Camo, the twins, Wendy, and Wendy's friends were laying in the graveyard and trying to figure out what the clouds looked like. A chipmunk barfing an airplane, a waffle, and one of those director snap-shut-play-scene thingamabobs, from what she could make out. Everyone was laughing and having a grand old time.
"Ooh! That cloud looks like a big heart-shaped balloon," Mabel commented, looking up at the sky.
Camo thought about making a Star Wars reference, but she ended up deciding against it. It was dumb anyway.
"Clouds don't come in colors," Dipper realized. "That is a balloon."
"Oh, dude, it's the Woodstick festival," Wendy said. She gestured to the series of balloons in the sky. When Dipper was confused, she explained further, "It's this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon's up-and-coming indie bands." She grabbed Tambry's phone. "They're all coming. Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything, Love God. You've probably seen him in that viral video."
She played the video. "Who's ready for love tonight?" the band guy said, then he fell onto the camera. "I hope nobody's filming this."
"Whoa, like a real concert concert?" Dipper asked. "I've—I've never actually been to one of those before."
"That's because you've never had an awesome crew to roll with before," Wendy retorted.
Camo hummed. She'd been to a concert before. It had been loud, chaotic, and there had been lots of lights (and it was cold, since it was a repurposed ice rink), but, since she'd had earbuds, it was a ton of fun. She watched as Thompson licked some horrid sponge covered in mold, and she shuddered.
"When you're with us, you're in."
Then a horrible moaning sound could be heard. Camo thought it might've been one of the zombies left over from that party oh-so-long ago. Subconsciously, she reached her hand into the pocket she kept her lighter in. "Ghosty sounds," Mabel said. "Cemetery ghosty sounds!" She shook her twin roughly, which he was not pleased about.
"It's coming from that open grave," Wendy commented. As everyone else walked closer towards it, Camo grabbed a dry stick from the ground and prepared to light it on fire. You could never be too safe when it came to zombies.
Lee and Nate were fighting. "You look."
"No, you look."
"Thompson, go look," Dipper said, and everyone looked at him.
One of the guys laughed. "Heh. Nice use of Thompson." (She couldn't remember who was who, so she just grouped them together in her mind.) The other guy shoved Thompson towards the open grave, and they started a chant which everyone except Camo participated in, as she was trying to light her stick on fire to turn it into a torch. It wasn't going very well. Apparently, her stick wasn't as dry as she thought it was.
"Gaze upon death! Gaze upon death! Gaze upon death! Gaze upon death!"
Poor Thompson crept close to the grave and peeked in. Camo managed to get a little spark on her stick, so she prowled a little behind him, ready to light the zombie on fire. The moment he looked in the grave, though, he screamed. Loudly. She didn't much appreciate that. With a glare at him, she walked up to see what it was, as did everyone else.
Not a zombie. Just Robbie, holding a picture of Wendy.
(Camo debated lighting him on fire anyway.)
"Why did she leave me?" the teen moaned, oblivious to the fact that the "she" in question was right behind him.
Wendy crouched down and said, her voice full of disbelief, "Robbie?"
"Wendy!" He spun around in shock, then chuckled nervously as he wiped dirt off his clothes and got into a "cool" position. "Hey, what's up? Just, uh, hanging out in this grave, you know. Regular. Regular day for me." He kind of broke character to give them a slightly embarrassed look.
"Whoa, dude, we haven't seen you in, like, a million years," Lee?/Nate? said. She should probably learn how to tell them apart. "Where have you been?"
Wendy asked, a little disturbed, "You're not still mourning our break-up, are you?"
He hastily hid the picture of her. "What? No way."
"Robbie, we split up forever ago. It's really sweet you'd throw yourself into a grave for me, but, man, time to move on."
Camo, during all of this, was trying to find a puddle to drop her improvised torch into without burning her fingers. It was proving difficult, and it was also sponging up most of her attention. (Hence, the lack of snarky comments.)
"What? I've totally moved on." His phone rang to the ringtone of "Wendy, I miss you so much, I'll never move on, never ever". He nervously pulled it out and threw it out of the grave. "That was a different Wendy. Unrelated Wendy."
She couldn't help it here. She moaned in a mock version of what he had been moaning before. "Why did she lEaVe Me?!" she howled mockingly, leading to . . . literally nobody laughing but Nate?/Lee?, and that was merely a snicker. She pouted, but thankfully, she found a puddle and she dropped the stick into it, watching as the flames went down so as not to accidently burn down the graveyard.
(Would it really be such a crime if she did that, though? Basically nobody would die, since they all died before. She supposed that didn't roll with "rest in peace", though. Plus, they could press criminal charges. Stan would be proud, but she wouldn't be. Proud. Of herself. She wouldn't be proud of herself. She wasn't an arsonist.)
(That she knew of.)
"Dude, this is getting really awkward," Lee?/Nate? told Nate?/Lee?.
Tambry commented, "Yeah, the cemetery used to be fun. Now it's just depressing." The three of them walked away with various expressions of disgust or disappointment. Everyone else followed, Camo being last as she waited for the last pathetic embers to fade away. Her being last meant she saw Mabel, who was looking sadly at pathetic Robbie, putting dirt on his own head and making it look easy.
"Wait. You guys, he's in pain," Mabel said, the pity so blatantly obvious in her voice. "We can't just ditch him here."
"Well, he is in a ditch," Camo commented, walking over to the twins.
They ignored her, obviously. "Come on, Mabel. It's Robbie," Dipper said with a disgusted expression, as if saying the name was bad enough.
"But he's suffering. How can I be happy if I know someone else is sad? It totally throws off my Happiness Chart." She pulled out a picture with everyone's faces drawn on it. Everyone had a smiley sticker, except Robbie, who she stuck a sad sticker on.
"Hey," Camo said, grabbing Mabel's shoulders and shaking her slightly. "You don't have to be the one to care about it, okay? I know you're a really friendly person who wants to help, but if you keep that mindset, you're going to break yourself. Don't do it."
"Yeah, Mabel, trust us," Dipper said. "If there's one thing I've learned this summer, it's not to get mixed up in needless romantic drama. Besides, we're finally in with Wendy's friends. With Robbie gone, there's a good social balance. Maybe we should just let a good thing be, you know?" He walked over to the group.
Camo glared after him. That wasn't what she meant and he knew it. "Just eat me already, man," Robbie said behind her. He was talking to a vulture. It was fine by doing that. "Ah! I was just being dramatic! Quit it! Ow! Ow! My face. Vulture!"
The girls walked away, shaking their heads. Well, Camo shook her head. Mabel just looked sad.
Back at the Shack, Wendy was saying, "Oh, man. I'm sorry you guys had to see that."
"You know what Robbie needs?" Mabel asked, her characteristic cheerfulness back. "A new girl. Romance is like gum. Once it's lost its flavor, you just cram another one in." She shoved a new stick of gum in her mouth, revealing multiple wads of the stuff.
Camo frowned. "How can you still talk?"
"Mabel, it's not that easy," Wendy tried to explain.
"It is, if you're the world's greatest matchmaker. I've never had an unhappy customer. Like Soos and Melody."
She gestured to where Soos was sitting with a couple boxes and Melody was in some kind of video call. "Watch this. Walking down some actual stairs," he sang, getting down. Melody laughed. "Did it look cool?"
She laughed again. "The coolest."
"Match made!" Mabel shouted, punching the air. "And then, of course, there's Waddles and Gompers." The two animals in question walked by, and it was hilarious. They were taped to one another, Waddles had on a bow tie, Gompers had a bridal veil, and there were cans and a sign saying Just Married trailing behind them. Gompers bleated and proceeded to eat the veil. "Match made."
Wendy wasn't convinced. "That might work for a goat and a pig, but Robbie's a hopeless case."
"Plus, that looks like it might be an abusive relationship," Camo commented. "Them being taped together means Waddles is a dead weight on Gompers, who takes them anywhere it pleases."
Dipper laid a hand on her shoulder. "I think you're reading too far into this."
"Yeah, probably," she agreed.
Mabel left the house to go bother Robbie, or something, and Camo walked out onto the porch, where Stan was singing, "Putting a rainbow wig on a big white gorilla." The wind picked up, and the wig was blown away, revealing the hot air balloons. She watched him freak out.
"Oh, no. Hot air balloons. Fixed gear bikes." Someone on a hippie van showed up, singing ("singing 'bout the open road, my sandals are so open-toed"), and Stan shouted, "Folk music! It's the Woodstick Festival!" Stan screamed. "Soos, Camo, lock down the Shack and tie down my shirts before anyone tie-dyes them!" He pulled out a crossbow and aimed it at a balloon. "They're slow. I can probably take a few down."
"Wait, Mr. Pines!" Soos stopped him, leading to the plunger dart (was he gonna do any damage with that thing, anyway?) hitting the ground. "I've been thinking. Every year this festival comes by and every year you shun what could be potential customers."
Camo was paying more attention to Stan's Woodstick Festival Weapons Box, in which he had a mace. She pulled it out with a grin on her face. Then she noticed the bandage around Stan's hand, and her grin faded. How long had that been there?
"You really think I can make money off of these free-loading, kale-munching freak shows?" Stan asked.
"Not by shooting their hot air balloons down and reacting with general hostility," Camo pointed out.
Soos instructed, "You just got to figure out what appeals to them."
"Hmm. How do I appeal to young people?"
Camo decided to help him brainstorm. "I don't know, rainbows are pretty common for that group of people." At least in her time. There was a ten-year social time difference, though, so she wasn't sure.
"I've never even seen a rainbow, kid," Stan deadpanned.
She winced. "Oof. Don't tell Mabel."
"Already did. She blinded me for a day. Anyway." He looked up at the hot balloons. "So, young people are into hot air balloons, eh?"
"A rainbow hot air balloon! Perfect!"
"Balloon faster, Soos, Camo!" Stan shouted. "We need to get this thing up in the air before the festival ends."
"Are you sure that that open flame should be that close to that dangling cloth and rope?" Soos asked, which was a valid question.
"I'm sure about everything! Now lube up those engine gears with some kerosene. More kerosene!"
Camo nudged the alarmed Soos and whispered, "Fire is fine. If push comes to shove, blame Stan for not following safety guidelines."
"But—but I don't want to get Stan in trouble!"
She shrugged. "Or blame me. I don't care. Anyway, I'm going to go sneak into the concert. I'll see this hot balloon in the air, probably on fire, pretty soon, right?" She didn't have high hopes for this thing. She could only see it going hilariously wrong.
She pulled herself over the fence with minimal splinters and no eyewitnesses. She was in the crowd, listening to the garbage music, when Mabel, Dipper, and that Love God guy ran onstage. They pulled on the linked mustache of the Handlebar Bros and ran into the crowd, crowd-surfing. Camo cheered and high-fived the twins as they passed over her. "I don't know what you've done, but good luck!"
She watched as Stan's balloon rose into the sky, and she snorted loudly, wiggling her way through the crowd to get a better spot to watch the carnage. Stan's "I heart kids" message had been ruined. The H and the R had fallen off, making it say "I eat kids", and the bad craftsmanship made it terrifying. Everybody was screaming and running, and if they weren't before, when it lit on fire, they definitely were.
She cackled madly, practically seeing the wild look in her own eyes. Maybe she was an arsonist now, since she helped Stan not follow safety guidelines and it was on fire now because of that. It was epic and dramatic, seeing Stan's giant head on fire falling from the sky. She ran after it, laughing loudly and chaotically, not caring that it was hard to run while laughing this loudly.
It cruised down from the sky, a beacon of death and destruction. She skidded to a stop just in time to see it bury that Love God guy in flammable material. She was laughing loud enough and crazy enough that she was drawing lots of attention, most of it negative. She didn't care. This was awesome!
Unfortunately, nothing good can last, so somebody came over with a hose and put out the fire. She sighed sadly but spotted the twins with some weird bottle with black liquid in it. It looked ominous, and, knowing the twins, it was probably the thing they were fighting with the Love God guy over, since, you know, the twins were the twins.
However, Stan walked over. "What's everybody crying about?" he asked. "In my day, zeppelins fell from the sky like raindrops."
"I don't think that's a good sign . . ." Camo commented.
A teen wearing sunglasses ran up and gasped in horror at Stan's face. "It's him! The horrible old man from the sky!" He shrieked, as did everyone else, running away.
"EvErYoNe rUn FoR yOuR lIvEs!" Camo screamed mock horror. Then she snorted loudly and laughed at the retreating figures. "Cowards!" Well, Stan was terrifying, but not for that reason.
"You know what?" Stan asked. "Being loved by the youth is overrated. Being feared? Now that's priceless." He punched his hand.
Between Mabel, Dipper, and me, he's got all the youth he'll need.
"Love God, are you okay?" Dipper asked.
Mabel had her fingers crossed. "Please be immortal. Please be immortal." Love God gasped and wiggled his way out from underneath the balloon.
"Dude! I am so over this!" Then the announcer called for him, and he groaned. "Aagh! Look, kid, take it, okay? Spray everyone for all I care. You want to mess with people's lives? You want to play god? Do it. Cause I'm sick of it." He started limping away. "Medic, I need—I need onion rings!"
The three of them watched his retreating figure, then Camo finally asked, "Care to explain what the scuff just happened?"
Apparently, Mabel had been upset by Robbie being upset, and she figured Tambry was the right girl for him. She stole potion from the Love God, who was a real love god, or a cherub, but causing the two of them to fall in love ruined the friend group. So, they'd decided to steal the anti-love potion to undo the effects and put everything normal again.
"Okay, guys, now's our chance," Dipper whispered. They were hiding in a bush behind the happy couple. "They break up and the whole friend group gets back together." Mabel aimed the gun at them, but Camo had her doubts. Apparently, the twins didn't know the meaning of 'a grudge'.
Still, Mabel didn't have the guts to do it, and Robbie spotted them before she could shoot the potion. "Mabel!" he said happily. He was definitely a lot more cheerful then he was before, that was for sure. "Mabel, I just wanted to say thank you. I've been so miserable since Wendy broke up with me that I thought my life was over. But you were right. I just needed to move on."
He looked at Tambry with a happy expression on his face.
"I'm . . . happy? Weird, huh?" He chuckled.
However, Tambry interrupted. "Robbie, people are commenting on our pictures." He showed Mabel his jacket with the heart on it, for some reason, and then backed up to spend some time with his girlfriend.
"Dipper, maybe we shouldn't do this," Mabel said. "I mean, every time we've played with people's fates, it's only made things worse."
"They are kind of perfect for each other, in a gross kind of way," Dipper admitted. "But, what about our friend group?"
His twin sighed. "Well, maybe it'll sort itself out. I mean, there's got to be something that could bring everyone back together."
"Definitely," Camo agreed. "They've been friends for a while. I think they care about each other enough that this won't be the wedge that drives them apart."
"Guys, I made a friendship cake," Thompson said, holding a very pretty cake. "So let's all get over this, okay?" A beach ball hit him in the face, and he dropped the cake. "My cake!" As he was reaching to grab it, though, his jacket ripped, revealing all the snacks taped to him. The security guards noticed and chased after him.
In less than a minute, the whole gang was there, laughing at Thompson's misfortune, as usual. Camo grinned smugly at having been right as she sat down on the ground and tried to eat the parts of the cake that hadn't touched the dirty ground.
"I think everything just might be all right," Mabel said.
"Maybe someone up there really is a genius matchmaker."
Meanwhile, Thompson, dangling from a rope, said, "All according to plan." Then he noticed Camo eating his cake and he excitedly said, "Hey! You're eating my cake! Is it good?"
She nodded, then turned back to the twins. Everything was kind of all right, except for Stan traumatizing a bunch of teens. But who cared about them, anyway?!
Not her.
(Was it bad that she was thinking about how much more epic the Stan Balloon of Death would've been with rainbows?)