Chapter 12
I stay away, lingering only in my own shadows. I don't speak to anyone. I don't interfere. The new robot is done, yet remains unactivated. Bass, Wily calls him. Not a Robot Master, something more. I don't know what Wily is waiting for, and I dread finding out.
Word of my treachery has not reached Wily. There is a consensus, even with Crash Man, that what I said will not be repeated. Wily's feed appeared to have been cut during that point. Electrical interference, it seems.
After months of hesitation, I take Blues' armor and leave it for Kalinka to find. I do not know if he wants it, but she will know what to do, and keeping it in my possession risks further unmooring of my mental state. I am not that fractured to be blind to how it risks my sanity. I am not confident enough to admit my own fragility to anyone but myself.
Yet the longer I remain, the more agitated my shadows become. They pull and tug until my attempts to ignore them become painful. Something about my being cannot sit still. A design flaw, or perhaps an intended function I no longer understand. Finally, I give in, though I know where they will lead me.
The bedroom is quiet, the boy still. I sigh, perhaps with relief, perhaps regret. If his nightmares had truly settled, then my presence is no longer needed. I shift to leave, but something stirs on the bed. A pair of bright eyes stare out at me with suspicion. A robotic cat, settled firmly on Blues' chest, armored in various shades of green.
"Ah," I say softly, unable to stop myself. "So you're the new guardian of his dreams, hrm?"
The cat blinks at me. If it can communicate, it doesn't seem inclined to answer. I risk petting it, an action that, in retrospect, might've cost me a hand if the cat had been so inclined. There's weaponry hidden along the spine, spikes meant to tear metal in two. I wonder who's idea that was. I would bet on it being Kalinka's.
I turn to leave and a hand grabs my wrist, freezing me in place.
"You know," Blues says, watching me through half-lidded eyes. "If you're going to visit someone in the middle of the night, you can at least say hi."
"I… didn't mean to disturb you," I manage to say. Blues does not let go.
"Sit down," he says, sitting up. The cat climbs onto his shoulders as he reaches for his sunglasses. Despite my panic, there's something absurd about wearing dark sunglasses in a dark room.
Blues still doesn't let go. I sit down gingerly.
"I should not be here," I say.
"When has that ever stopped you before?" Blues replies, his voice teasing. His grip lingers on my wrist, not so tight, as if I'll vanish if he releases me.
I just might.
"Kalinka is…?" I don't know how to finish the delicate question.
"She's okay," he says. "Pharaoh Man is... somewhat better. I think hating me gives him something to focus on, something he can use to motivate his recovery."
"Are you okay with that?" I ask, giving him a sharp look.
Blues shrugs. "Can't change it, can I?"
Gone is the vulnerability his voice had earlier when struggling with being unforgiven, but he has had time to process it. Time to pretend it no longer bothers him, regardless of how true that was.
"You know," he continues, looking at me sideways. "I used to have nightmares in Skull Fortress. Not ones as bad as they get now, but… I remember what made them go away. I remember the hand on my hair."
I wish he would let go.
"I could ask how long you've been stalking me," Blues adds lightly.
"Not stalking," I say harshly. "You were… different. Most of us are one thing. Most humans are one thing, but you are filled with contractions. You love your brother. You have tried to kill him. You cried in your sleep, convinced in your dreams that you had succeeded."
Blues lets go of my wrist, but I don't leave.
"I did not mean to… hover," I continue quietly. "But the more I watched, the less I understood. And it was not until you met Kalinka that I did. You needed more than what Wily was willing to give you, but were not able to understand what that was. You were… lonely. "
"And so were you," Blues replies, just as quiet.
"And so was I," I say. "But you found a way to escape your loneliness, and I… cannot."
"Why not?" Blues asks. He looks as if he's about to touch me again, but instead, reaches up to pet the cat.
For a long moment, I cannot find the answer. We sit in silence, in the dark, as the cat makes a strange rumble that I eventually recognize to be purring.
"I do not remember where I came from," I say finally. "Or what my original purpose was meant to be. All I know is that when Wily woke me, all I could remember is that I failed. I don't know what I failed to do, or how. Only that I did. And I kept failing. I failed to warn you what Wily would do when he learned about Kalinka. I failed to find a way to free you faster. I failed…"
My hand reaches up toward Blues' dead eye, brushing his cheek. Blues reaches for it, but I've already pulled away.
"You blame yourself for my eye," Blues says, frowning. "You know, Kalinka does that too. So does my brother, though he did tell me that you went out of your way to say it wasn't his fault. I think even Dr. Cossack blames himself for it."
"You don't blame me?" I ask bluntly.
"The only one responsible for this is incapable of feeling guilty," Blues replies quietly. "You know that."
The cat bumps his head sharply with a chirping sound. He smiles, petting her again.
"Tango," Blues says, responding to my inquisitive look. "Kalinka thought she'd be a good idea. Humans have support animals, Mega has Rush—why not?"
The cat purrs again as Blues pets her. "She's keyed into my emotional programming—stress levels, mood swings, that kind of thing. She keeps me from getting trapped in my own head."
"And keeps the nightmares at bay," I reply, trying to ignore the pang that statement gives me.
Blues' smile goes crooked. "She does, but I kind of miss that hand in my hair."
I can't look at him anymore, trying not to squirm.
"You know," Blues continues. "Pharaoh Man—"
"Ptolemy is not well and he should not have said that," I say, truly flustered now. "That was not meant to be—"
"Shadow Man," Blues interrupted. "It's fine. You're allowed to have feelings."
I snort, despite myself. "Listening to Skull Man, are we?"
"Sometimes," Blues replies. He's very still, afraid I will bolt. It's still a possibility. "When I want to."
There is a silence.
"I don't know how to explain myself," I say finally.
"You don't have to—"
"You do not understand," I say sharply. "I am not like you, Blues. I was not made by human hands. I was not made to be human. I want to understand what that is like, and yet so often I don't. That's what drew me to you. I did not understand why you acted like you did, and it was clear you did not either. Yet it didn't bother you."
"It did," Blues says, his voice barely above a whisper. "It did bother me, I just wasn't willing to… deal with it. To admit I wasn't happy."
"So I realized, too late," I reply bitterly. "Too late to get what I wanted. To even want it anymore is wrong."
"Shadow Man," Blues says, quiet. He reaches for my arm and I let him take it. "I don't understand what you're punishing yourself for. I can't help you if you don't let me."
I make the mistake of looking at him. His sunglasses are bothering me, and I reach up to take them off. His eyes are blue, not brown anymore. He draws in a breath, eyes wide, as I run my fingers through his now black hair, pulling his lips to mine.
Kissing is not what I expected. Softer. But it's everything I wanted, everything that scared me. Blues makes a soft noise against my mouth, and I pull away to apologize.
Blues hooks an arm around my neck and pulls me back into another kiss, a harder one. I didn't know that want and need could be the same. I didn't know how hunger felt before.
We break apart, our breathing ragged. Cooling systems trying to deal with an overload of something it was never meant for.
"Oh," Blues says. Several things seem to be happening in his expression, and I cannot pin down a single one. I stand too swiftly for him to stop me.
"Hey—look, you need to stop spying on people," Blues says, still trying to catch his breath. "I mean it."
I frown at him.
"And stop trying to read Kalinka's diary," he adds.
"I only attempted that once," I protest.
"The only reason she didn't kill you for it is because she's worried about you," Blues replies. "We're both worried about you. Just... talk to us, Shadow Man. Or should I call you Hikari?"
" Ugh ," I say. "I will try, but not if you call me that."
Blues' laugh makes me want to stay, but I have already overstepped, and I can see uncertainty creeping back into his expression. My shadows pull me toward them.
"I will try," I repeat quietly. "Good night, Blues."
"Good night," he replies, still smiling, and it's the memory of that smile I take with me.
My shadows have always been comforting, but now they also feel warm.