With or Without You?

"Oh, here he is now!" Uhura said while Spock stood in the doorway dumbfounded.

"Miss Kolumi was just leaving, and as a matter of fact," Uhura turned on Spock with angry wounded eyes, "you can go with her."

What in the world was Leila doing here, Spock wondered as he walked in on the explosive situation. And what had she said to his wife to cause this outburst?

"Leila? Why are you here?" He asked seeking answers from the offending party. That seemed to be the wrong thing to do as Uhura turned and stormed off towards the bedroom.

"Nyota, what is going on here?" He called to her.

She turned on him angrily and shouted out, "Ask your girlfriend!"

For her part, Leila looked repentant and sad. "I'm sorry Spock, I don't know why I came here. I just thought there was still something... I'm sorry!" She stormed out.

Spock watched her leave and he was confused and conflicted.

"Nyota, why was Leila here?"

"Why don't you go and ask her? Ask her why she felt the need to walk up in here and ask me if I loved you and If I made you happy? Ask her why our marriage is any of her business!"

"Nyota-"

"Don't call me that! Only my friends call me that." She stormed into the bedroom and started pulling out her clothes to pack.

Spock followed her into the bedroom but he didn't say anything as he watched her pack. She was angry and behaving irrationally. He had learned the hard way to leave an angry woman alone for a while.

This was another fine mess. Why had Leila come here? To cause trouble? What had she intended when she provoked Nyota? He would have never thought her capable of such machinations.

Because Leila made Nyota angry Spock was in the doghouse again. He was beginning to think women were nothing but pure trouble. How did the captain manage all the women he had loved before? No wonder he had a strict rule about relationships with crewmembers. It was a disaster waiting to happen if the women Spock knew were any indication.

Spock had never subscribed to illogical prejudices. Men and women were equal in value if differently abled. However, when it came to matters of the heart women were in a league of their own.

T'pring, Christine, and Leila were evidence that women played the game of love at a different level. They threw all logic and reason out of the window in pursuit of their goals. Even his own wife and mother seemed hell-bent on driving him mad in the name of love.

Nyota was displeased with him? Again? And what had he done? He had not invited Leila into their suite, Nyota had done that all on her own. He had not encouraged Leila to chat with him in the city yesterday, Nyota had done that as well. He had not told Leila anything about their relationship except that Nyota was his wife and he was pleased. Yet somehow he was again at fault?

"Nyota," Spock said calmly.

"What?" She said as she gathered the last of her belongings.

"Please listen to what I must say."

"Okay talk." Uhura crossed her arms over her chest and sat down on the side of her bed.

Nyota, I believe I have been quite tolerant of your behavior for long enough.

She opened her mouth to protest but he silenced her with a command "Kroykah!"

She stared at him with her mouth agape.

"You will listen," Spock said. "I have tolerated your emotional outbursts up until this point. I have respected your request for 'space' to deal with our sudden marriage. I have respected your desire to continue on as friends until you decide what you are going to do about us. But you have not afforded me the same courtesy.

"I have been trying!" She cut in.

"Have you? Have you respected the boundaries that I have set forth for our relationship? Have you respected my personal beliefs and cultural traditions regarding male and female contact?"

Uhura stubbornly held her tongue. She knew she hadn't but she refused to admit it.

Spock continued, "In fact, you have constantly touched me intimately in public and initiated physical contact of a sexual nature. You invited me into your bed when your intentions were unclear."

"I was trying to be nice! You make it seem like I as if I were trying to seduce you or lead you on or something," she said.

"Weren't you? I believe you were 'trying to have your cake and eat it too'

"That's ridiculous," she said.

"Nyota, I have acquiesced to all of your wishes and overlooked your transgressions because I acknowledge the great offense I have committed against you. I acknowledge that this is not what you asked for. I understand that this is new to you. But can you recognize and acknowledge that this is all new to me as well?"

"T'pring notwithstanding, I have not been married before. I have not been in a relationship with a woman that did not involve psychedelic spores, or hallucinogenic fevers, or my mind reverting to the primitive state." Spock said passionately.

"Why do you imagine I have it all figured out? You say you don't know how to be a Vulcan wife? Well, I don't know how to be a Vulcan husband! If Sarek is not an ideal role model then who do you expect me to emulate? Where is your ideal husband I am to pattern myself after to please you?" Spock asked.

Uhura sat dumbfounded. She had never heard Spock speak so openly and honestly and emotionally. Had he been thinking and feeling this way the entire time they were married? Why had he waited until now to tell her how he felt?

"Spock-"

"No Nyota, you will listen. This is long overdue," Spock interrupted her.

"The say Vulcans do not express their feelings openly, but you have reminded me quite often that I do have feelings. And did you know my wife my feelings can be injured as easily as anyone else's? Perhaps you should consider that before you accused me of whatever offense you think I have committed with Leila.

I did not invite Leila here to our suite. I did not encourage her. I, in fact, tried to release her painlessly. I told her in no uncertain terms that you were my wife and that I had feelings only for you."

And I should also like to point out, when I was with Leila, it was under the influence of the spores. I broke off our association as soon as the spores wore off. Any feelings I had for Leila ended at that time.

Before I finish, I have one question for you."

"what is it?" Uhura asked

"Why are you angry with me? Is it because I took you from the Enterprise and you were forced to bond with me? Is it because I did not tell you about my impending Pon far?"

"That's two questions. But no. I'm not angry about that anymore."

"Good. Then I assume you are angry with me because Leila has challenged your position as my wife?"

"No!" Uhura denied but even as she said it she knew it to be a lie. "She had no right coming here asking me about our relationship. I'm angry because every time I think we're making progress something or someone comes along and throws a wrench into it. I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I am tired of being angry and frustrated. I came here to Argelius to regroup and now I'm more confused than ever," She said sadly. "I never meant to hurt you. I hope you know that? I never imagined things could go this far. I'm not myself and I don't like it."

"What do you want?" Spock asked Uhura. He wanted to comfort her but he couldn't. Everything she was feeling he was feeling too. He too was frustrated. He too was out of his element. Uhura may tease him about his 'ex-wife' but he had never been in a relationship before. Leila was an aberration. Besides their friendship on earth, their relationship on Omicron Ceti had lasted little more than a day.

He had been with Uhura in one way or another for years. They had been through missions and adventures and hardships together. They shared experiences. They were more than just friends and had always been so. Couldn't Nyota see how much she was a permanent part of his life?

"Why do you not understand what you are to me?" Spock said sitting next to her. "Have I not tried in every way to show you how much I care for you?"

"What are you talking about?" Nyota asked confused.

"I am asking why you cannot see your own worth? Why can you not see your value to me? I have tried to show you how much I...feel. I have tried to demonstrate the caring I feel for you. My desire to bond with you did not occur out of biological necessity. I desired to bond with you because you were my dearest companion because you have become necessary for me to live in contentment. Because since becoming acquainted with you, you have given men an abundance of friendship, comfort, companionship, and understanding. I wanted to bond with you because I thought you felt for me the way I feel for you."

"Nyota," Spock took her hand. "on my darkest days you have been my sunshine. But I will not force you to be with me if that is not your desire. I did not plan our bonding to properly. I never told you about the consequences of bonding with me. I never asked you to join with me as my wife, And I believe it time I remedy that."

Spock slid to the floor and took a knee.

"Nyota, I would like for you to be my wife and live with me as husbands and wife. I would like for us to be together as a joined couple."

Nyota was gobsmacked. Spock was asking her to marry him? Now?

"You do not have to answer now. I will give you time to think it over. If you decide you do not want to be with me I will respect your wishes and I will release you, forever. Until then I think it best that we separate. We have to work together but I think it best that we keep our relationship strictly professional until you decide what you want from me."

"What are you saying? You want to separate now?" Uhura was crying. She could not believe this was happening.

"I did not say that. I have given you my proposal and now it is up to you to determine the status of our relationship. I took away your choice before and now I give it back to you."

He stood. "The enterprise is in orbit and the crew is taking shore leave for the remainder of the day. Whenever you are ready you can return to the ship. This suite is reserved until the end of the day so you may take your time checking out. I will leave you now."

"Spock wait! This isn't what I wanted."

"I believe this is for the best. Decide what you truly want, and when you are ready I will accept your decision."

Spock took out his communicator and messaged this ship.

"Spock to enterprise, one to beam aboard."

"Standby. Whenever you're ready Mr. Spock," Uhura heard Kyle say.

Spock turned to her.

"I'll see you on the bridge."

"Mr. Kyle, energize. Spock out!"

And just like that, he was gone.

Uhura could not believe what had just happened. She didn't understand it. Spock had proposed to her? But he also broke up with her?

Uhura didn't know whether she should laugh or scream or cry? That's how he was going to do it? That wasn't a proposal that was an ultimatum.

She threw herself on the big bed and sobbed. That bastard!

Uhura hugged her pillow and cried. She didn't want to decide. They were already married. She had the bride price to prove it! why was Spock constantly giving her an out? She could take it and his money and be free, forever. But she would lose Spock, not only as her husband but also as her friend and her colleague. She would never be able to work with him if they were to divorce. She would have to transfer, and start her life all over again, without him. was that what she wanted?

On the other hand, if she chose to accept his proposal this time, there would be no turning back. She would have to live with him for the rest of her life as his wife. She would have to go through Pon Farr with him again and again. She would have to have his children and probably live on Vulcan to raise them. She would be his clan matriarch one day. Why did that suddenly sound so appealing now when a few weeks ago it was the last thing she wanted?

This bed and this room felt so lonely without Spock. What if she had really lost him? What if he decided he didn't want to wait for her anymore? Could she stand to live like this forever? Spock said he could not live without her, but could she live without him?