Chapter 5: Plans...

EPOV

As the door closed behind me, I stood in shock as Jasper's words replayed in my head. I had hurt them too deeply to hope to be part of the family again. I felt the beast clawing through my chest, sensing its opportunity to overtake me as it had every other time I had felt hurt or threatened.

I wished more than anything that I could fix this now. But I knew I would never be able to be near them again. I needed to work on myself, as Jasper had said, make a change for the better with no expectations of a forgiveness that would never come. But I had done so much wrong in my life, had treated others so badly on a regular basis. And that was just thinking about how I treated my family. I had done far worse to those I didn't know. So where to begin?

Bella's sweet voice caught my ear as she assured Alice it was alright? What was? I decided to listen in on this last conversation, savor her voice one last time, so I could have something to hold for the rest of eternity without her.

Her sweet voice began to clog with emotion as she began her confession. The me in Port Angeles cautioning her away from danger, the increasingly reckless activities. Alice's mind shifted as Bella's words triggered a memory of a vision she had had of Bella on a rickety dirt bike crashing into a tree. Her eyes alight with excitement, then focusing on something only she could see. The sound of the crash was horrific as I saw a tall dark-skinned boy run over to check her. "I'm fine Jake." Her voice echoed through Alice's head as the vision ended.

Bella continued to confess that she had seen me, but that I had become her waking nightmare. I had made my old warnings a reality, the warnings of me being the actual villain had come to fruition. The beast clawed at my chest again at her words, begging me to lose myself to my instincts and just do as I pleased. But no, I had created this situation. If I was to be a better person I had to accept the consequences of my actions.

But Bella's final confession is what drove me to my knees again for the third time that night. She had become so estranged from who she was and so tormented by my memory that she had tried to kill herself?! I was too shocked to move until I realized that Alice was bringing her downstairs. I should have been long gone by now, so I did the only thing I could, and I began to run with no certain direction, away from the house that sheltered my only family and the girl I would love until my last breath.

JPOV

I was shocked to say the least when Bella told us she didn't want to be a part of our world anymore. But it was what we had wanted before, so she could be safe. However, we had gone against our better instincts when it came to the girl who had slowly made herself an honorary Cullen. As long as she wanted to be involved in our world, we had let her. Her happiness had come before our common sense. But now that she had realized that she wanted to pursue a normal human life, it was difficult to keep my feelings in. Half of me wanted her to stay, hoped that we could spend an eternity together. I felt I had met my match, a friend that I could rely on forever. The other half knew that she didn't want to be a part of our world and feared for the consequences that her knowledge of us could bring her.

I would even be content to be involved with her throughout her human life. I had found a best friend who could understand just how deeply I felt everything, someone with who I didn't feel like I had to hide who I truly was. I had only ever felt that way around Alice. But if remaining human would make her happy, then I would pretend as if I could bear to be apart from her. I couldn't explain these emotions running through me, until Alice caught my gaze and a rush of heat, similar to a blush creep over me accompanied by a wave of Embarrassment. Her attachment to Bella had become like iron cables. This Lament was coming from her, mixing with my own emotions towards Bella. I knew my wife enough to know that she wouldn't want to talk about her cocktail of Worry and Love in this situation until Bella was deeply asleep.

BPOV

I walked down the stairs with a lighter heart and heavier steps. Telling Alice and Jasper how my sanity had left me proved to be harder than I thought. It was a great relief that someone finally knew and fully understood what I had gone through, and most importantly didn't judge; however I stood by what I had told them. I needed to talk to a professional about this. Moreover, I needed to get my life back together. I had half-heartedly applied for the colleges the teachers laid out in front of us, the state universities, the University of Washington. Before Edward had left, I had already drafted up all my answers to perfection since last year when looking at the questions, I had just copied and pasted when the applications opened to placate Charlie and my teachers. Now I really did want to go through with it. I resolved to throw myself into my school work and work on my self-care with a therapist. I needed to be healthy in every way if I planned to leave Forks and go off to a university.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and Jasper was leading me to the lovely dining room. It had been repaired in my absence and looked lovelier than ever. Whatever Esme had cooked in here smelled wonderful. The smell of herbs and spices worked wonders to calm me, I felt grounded again. I knew I could do what needed to be done next.

Alice guided me to a chair and placed my phone in my hand, with Charlie's contact open. She must have Seen what I had planned and knew things would go how they needed to. "Thank you." I whispered, my voice still hoarse from crying.

I took a steadying breath and pushed the call button, this was going to be difficult, but I had heard that the more you put your pain into words, the less scary it was. I prayed that it got easier after this, I didn't think I could take it if it was this painful forever.

I was just about to hang up when Charlie's groggy voice answered the phone. I had forgotten what time it was. But this couldn't wait. If I didn't say this now, I don't think I ever could ever gain this amount of courage and stupidity again. I would certainly never be able to tell him to his face.

"Char- Dad… I-I'm s-s-so s-sorry." I began sobbing as my chest closed painfully around my heart. I couldn't bear it anymore and for the second time tonight I burst into tears, telling Charlie everything I could. The only thing I left out was vampires. I told him how after Edward had not only left, but how he had said I had just been a distraction for him, a plaything. How I had let it get to me and I lost my grip on reality. Of all the risks to my life I had taken to get some semblance of control over my life. And finally, of how I had almost died by suicide for trying to calm the demons in my head that had been created by the boy I had cared about. By the time I finished Charlie was sobbing and furious all at once. He told me that he blamed himself for believing when I had claimed I was better, he had wanted to believe it so badly and so he turned a blind eye to what I was doing during the day. He thought that if it made me happy then that was all that mattered.

"Dad, I-I'm so sorry for lying to you all this time. That's why I'm telling you this now. I-I know I need help, I should have gotten it a long time ago. I realize now just how much he messed me up-." I took a deep breath, pulling in the strength I needed to tell him what had happened today. "I-I saw him today, he had separated from his family after he left me. He hasn't been exactly welcome after they found out what he did. He-he came in and-and I lost it. He still terrifies me, dad. I ran into the woods and Jasper had to come find me. I-I couldn't be near him dad and I-I know it's not healthy to be so scared of someone. When I was cleaning up in the bath; Dad I had a flashback to when I tried to die. And I got so scared, cuz Dad I don't want that anymore. I almost drowned."

"I've made a choice; Dad I need your help. I need to start seeing a professional. Can you make me an appointment for after I get back from this trip? My plane ticket has me leaving in about 3 days. Can you make it for the day after I get back?"

"Of course, I can Bells it's the least I can do." Charlie's voice was almost as raw as mine was. Neither of us normally showed emotions, so things got bottled up and came out hard when we did. Well, I was going to change that on my end, it had gotten me into nothing but trouble. "Bells, I am so glad you can trust me now. I'll be with you every step of the way."

We said our goodbyes, promising to call each other every night until I got back, I knew full well it was just as much for him as it was for me. He was a parent after all and I had just told him how close he had come to losing me. We both had a long way to go in letting our relationship have healthy communication. But if we both really wanted it to work, I had no doubt that we would be able to do it.

APOV

After Seeing that both Bella and Charlie would get some closure from what had happened being aired out I made sure she had the time she needed to work through it. While they were talking Jasper cleaned the kitchen as I readied the room for the evening. I looked to be sure and Bella would want to stay in our room. I hoped it would ease her mind to be with us. I truly missed her every day that we were away. I had wanted to go back, but Carlisle had put his foot down with that one and said that her final day with Edward had probably turned her off to us as a family. It had been difficult to see her after that as she was almost always surrounded by one of those werewolves, whether she knew about it or not was another matter. Those flashes of her with that Jake boy had been the clearest thing I had seen all these months. I should have left to check on her sooner but I had instead allowed her to worsen as she exchanged emails with Rosalie. She had made a good show of recovering from Edward's betrayal. I only hoped we could help her get on the road to true recovery, she at least deserved that.

I heard the light clink of the bowl on the table downstairs as I fluffed the last pillow. I sped downstairs to check on her. Sometimes I longed for Jasper's gift, to ease the pain of others, but he also suffered to feel all the pain of the world. As I watched Bella eat, I couldn't keep myself from feeling a pang of sadness. I hadn't been able to know Bella for long when she had been with Edward. But her beautiful soul had shined through all the hardships that had come to her, her concern for those she loved and her deep devotion to us as her family. I had always wanted to help that beauty shine through in every physical way I could. Looking back, there were probably better ways to go about it than dressing her up for a prom she hadn't even wanted to go to.

I looked for a future where I might be able to be with Bella again, with less pressures, more time just for us to be together, for her to develop her own interests and become her own person. But that future seemed to bend and weave, through a static I had grown accustomed to when looking for Bella's future. It worried me that her future had been up in the air for so long, I had hoped the static would clear once we got her away from the wolves, but no such luck.

I hoped that when this was all over Bella would want us in her life again. I wanted to be in every part of her life, help her find who she was, become the successful person I know she could be. It killed me that my world had brought her so much pain. I wished I could share the days with her, however limited they may be.

Jasper grasped my hand in my lap, pulling me from my reverie. I had missed any conversation that might have happened, but my concern couldn't be alleviated, it wouldn't be until I knew Bella could be safe.

As Bella's yawns grew more frequent, we led her to bed. I lay next to her as she began to snuggle into the covers, hoping her dreams would be peaceful. Jasper joined me next to her and helped her sleep as he had before. Soon, her breathing deepened as sleep took her.

Jasper caught my attention as he began speaking softly. " Alice… I felt that earlier. I know you care for her, just as I do. But she told us herself, she doesn't want this life anymore. And if we continue to be involved in her life, we-we'll only put her in more danger. She wants a human life, who are we to deny her that?"

"Jasper, I can't live like this much longer, you know my heart stayed with her in Forks when we left. You know I never agreed with us leaving, or Carlisle's order to stay away. But I could never See if it was ok to go back without hurting Bella. When she goes back, I want to go with her."

"And if you follow her without her wanting you to? You would be just like Edward…" I hissed at the thought of being compared to him. "Just ask her first. If she wants all supernatural away from her-"

"I'll stay away. I won't be happy, but she would be. And that's enough for me." I gazed down at the sleeping woman that had become my best friend, her and Jasper were the only ones I felt understood me, who matched the missing parts of my soul in every way.

BPOV

I woke up the next morning with Alice to my back and Jasper's chest in front of me. It made me happy that they had stayed with me throughout the night. I had finally been able to rest for the first time in so long.

We padded downstairs for breakfast and I had the delicious leftovers from last night. Jasper taught me how to make the tortillas and how use the little hot plate to cook them. He let me use a spatula to turn my thick misshapen tortilla as he flipped his perfect circle with quick fingers. I was normally good at cooking, I was determined to get the next one right. I heard him chuckle and ruffle my hair.

"I've been doing this for quite a while, no need to feel bad about not being able to do it the first time. When I first tried to make a tortilla, it was too thick to cook completely and it wasn't even close to a circle. Yours is at least edible. How about we sit down, the soup is almost done reheating."

"Thanks." I felt a bit embarrassed for letting a little tortilla get to me, "But I will totally own making them for lunch."

As I carried the tortillas to the table, I heard rapid chopping and found that he had chopped a few limes, onion and cilantro in the seconds it took me to get to the table. As Alice brought the soup to the table I had a thought. "I am worried about getting into college."

"It's alright, I was too my first time." Alice chirped. I hadn't realized that I had said it out loud.

"And the second and third."

"Exactly! I still get nervous, it never really goes away."

I was blown away, the most collected people I knew, the ones who had been able to see it all, still worried about college? "I would really like to hear more about the process you all go through. Especially recently. Do you all even go to college after High school? What are my options? I feel like I know nothing about this and I'm too late to get where I want to be.

Jasper gave a light chuckle. "Do you want any of your questions answered or to just keep asking? We sometimes go to college, if we feel like it, about once every ten years or so. But to maybe give you a bit of guidance, I guess a good way to start is to ask, do you know where your passions lie?"

I paused and soon realized I had already hit a dead end before I had even started. I knew that this college thing wasn't for me. Who was I to think that I had a chance to get anywhere when there were kids who had prepared for university all four years? I was smart but how could I compete with the students who were driven by more than grades. I had never gotten a passion for anything; how could I think of going to school if I had no passion for what I planned to dedicate my life to? I couldn't-

"-lla, Bella, look at me. You are safe here. Breathe with me."

I began following the breathing. "Imagine a golden light, let it warm you. First your chest… then your arms… now your legs. Let the light spread through you until you're warm again… all the way to your fingers and toes… You are safe and loved… That light will always be there, just let it in." Jaspers voice was slow… deep… calming all my erratic thoughts.

I felt like I could breathe again. This was doable. "I-I-I like to plan things, I think I did an okay job with planning Rose's wedding, even though she didn't need a planner." I sniffled, growing a bit more optimistic. "Maybe that, or maybe helping people plan trips, I heard people pay for that kind of stuff. I could make a living with that."

"You did great with the wedding, Rose really did love the designs and she fully intended on using everything you planned. We even went dress shopping together based on your designs that you thought would go with the theme of the wedding. I know you applied to universities, but that doesn't have to be the be all, end all. What about Renton, that Community College near Forks? You could still live with Charlie. Or in Seattle, and still be close enough to visit every weekend if you want."

Alice is right, so many people go to community college and are able to achieve their dreams by getting their start in smaller institutions."

I took a thoughtful bite of my soup as Jasper and Alice explained the ins and outs of how acceptances to university worked and how community college was a real, viable option if I was worried about my chances getting in elsewhere. By the time they were talking about housing options and how to find a deal, I was nibbling the edge of my tortilla monster, feeling much more like this whole college thing wasn't as bad as I thought. As Alice cleared the table I felt like I could plan for my future and not be worried out of my mind. And then the bowl tumbled from Alice's hands, shattering. And just like that bowl, I felt my life shatter once again.

Authors Note:

I decided to give you guys an extra long chapter for bearing with me through the wait. Lots of overtime recently and life got out of balance. I'm getting back on the ball though and hope to churn these out a bit more regularly. For those of you wondering, I wouldn't just leave you guys on a cliffhanger and never finish. I just happen to not have anything pre-written and am writing by the seat of my pants. I have a general idea of where this is going, but some parts are just harder to work through than others. I plan on sticking with this fic through to the end, no matter when that may be.

Thank you for all the reviews that you kind readers have left, I read each and every one.And if you like my story feel free to follow it so that you can get notified when the next chapter is ready. I love you all dearly and hope you will continue ride with me on this adventure though my own take on Bella's world.