Broken

by Rinoa Lionheart 805

After Edward left Bella in New Moon, she still has her adrenaline junky phase, but she is also talking with Rosalie to distract herself from what Edward did. When Alice and Rosalie tell her Victoria is still after her, Bella cannot make herself fear her as she used to. There is only one vampire she fears now... the one she used to think was her mate. Non traditional pairing.

6. Chapter 6

Broken Ch. 6 ...Derailed

APOV

I felt the rush of wind against my face, wild orange hair whipping across my face. I was sure now, there was no need to delay any longer. I had been able to more than match their numbers and the newborns were far stronger than the oldest of us, they would be easy pickings now. My revenge would be exacted. Edward would lose everything, just as he had stolen everything from me. My vision shifted to a mountaintop near our home, an imagined fire ravaging our home and Edward unable to help.

The true result of Victoria's imagined elimination of our family was more painful. I saw Bella crumpled and broken at the bottom of a sheer cliff off the side of the mountain. There was a finality to it that made it feel unavoidable, like no matter what, Victoria would snuff out her vibrant light.

I had to think of something! There had to be a way to end Victoria before she killed Bella. What if we sent her back to Charlie? Worse. The secret would be out and the quick vision of the Volturi ending Charlie made me change tactics before their killing strike landed. What if we went to meet Victoria and hid Bella away? At least one Newborn would make it through and wouldn't be able to stop themselves, and Bella would die painfully. What if one of us never left her side? The tone of the visions changed! Bella alive and healthy again… but different… like us! I cried out in Frustration. Couldn't this perfect example of a human being get anything she wanted?!

I pushed the vision further, what would Charlie be able to deal with most? Her death through an accident? He would ask questions, demand to see the body. Would we be able to pull it off? The chances were a coin toss: in some cases, Charlie realized that the new features of his daughter were too perfect and he would probe too deep, in some he would chalk it up to his imagination running away with him and making his last visit to her make it seem as if she was sleeping.

But Bella would resent the missed opportunity to continue to have him in her life. Would he be able to accept a partial truth, just enough for him to no longer be in danger of the Volturi, but still be in Bella's life? What if we told him an illness had changed how she looked, but that was the only way to cure her?

"... ice? Alice!" Jasper's voice pulled me from my panicked attempts at making everything alright.

I blinked rapidly as I came into myself again. I saw Bella's ashen face over Jasper's shoulder and knew I had failed. There was nothing I could do to make this right. "I'm so sorry… I-I… there's nothing I can do!"

Jasper's calm voice cut through my haze as he wrapped me up in a warm blanket of Calm. "Ally, you can tell me what happened. I want to help. Maybe if you tell me, we can all think of something together. I know you're scared, but saying what you saw won't make it real, it means we can make plans to avoid it."

"I-I-I tried to fix it." I recounted my visions with them, telling them what I had already tried. What had almost worked. And why it all felt so hopeless for anything to go how we wanted it to.

Jasper dialed Carlisle's number as soon as I finished, letting him know of Victoria's imminent return and to get home as soon as possible.

BPOV

Listening to all the ways my life could end didn't exactly do much for my morale. Just minutes ago I was thinking about college and how I might be able to get through the next few days. I had been happy to have normal, human things to worry about. I guess we have to be careful what we wish for, because my childish wish from almost a year ago was coming back to bite me, and this time it would be literally.

I couldn't help but think "Well I might as well get it over with then… I guess I had never had a choice in the matter anyway, but I can at least choose how I go out." I have to admit, I felt bitter, as soon as I knew what I wanted in life, I had to choose whether to end it, or live and give up everything. "I choose life," I said to the room. As soon as I heard Alice gasp, I knew I had said it out loud.

Alice's face split into a grin. "I saw you! You were happy! Being a vampire doesn't have to be miserable for you. I know this isn't what you want, but you can be happy despite it. You don't have to like it, but you can learn to live with it, just like we all have. Or at least you can know adjusting to it won't end your life, but just put a pause on it."

"Alice, is there a way to bait Victoria? I think I have an idea." I made my decision and waited for Alice's visions to decide my fate.

I waited patiently for Alice to watch my plan play out, but I couldn't help holding my breath as I waited for her answer. I finally got it as Alice began to speak slowly, "There's no way for you to get out unscathed, but it is certain that you will survive if you're changed as soon as possible after. You can survive as one of us. It will all depend on who can turn you when the time comes. I-I won't be able to… resist. I- I've never had human blood before and I w-wouldn't be able to stop, no matter how much I wish I could, I d-don't have the practice. The best candidate would be Jasper. He can protect you the best out of all of us leading up to the change, so you will be most likely to live long enough for the venom to take effect. He doesn't think it, but he is also the one who is most likely to be able to get through it without killing you.

I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible as we discussed my imminent demise, even though I felt a strong flare of anxiety at the possibility of the pain leading up to the change. "I've heard the pain of Changing is horrible anyway, so what's a little more leading up to it. I don't want us to lose our chance at getting Victoria if there is a way for me to survive and end her ability to be a threat to my family."

I heard Jasper's soft voice next to me. He had been so quiet I had almost forgotten he was next to me. I thought I had heard him leave, so I jumped at the soft sound of his voice.

"I-I know you've decided on what you want. And I don't want to undermine your decision, but since it involves me, I want to let you know exactly whose hands you are putting your faith in."

"Jasper, I- I don't understand? N-no matter what you've done in your life, I trust you. I mean with such a long life we're all bound to have our sins."

Jasper gave me what I could only describe as a bitter smile. "Bella, did I ever tell you about how I became a vampire? Or what my life was like before I was a part of Carlisle's family?"

"No..? I think E-Edward may have told me that you belonged to another coven before, but he didn't really go into detail about it."

"I think it's something you need to know."

JPOV

When Alice had said there was a chance of Bella surviving, my heart had felt like it would explode with relief, until she had said she couldn't do it, I knew she would imply me and heard the confirmation as I stepped into the backyard to calm myself, distance myself a little from the emotional cocktail in that house so I could focus on myself a little clearer. Alice had said that I was Bella's best chance of survival. I felt like I had when I was working as a field medic over a century ago. That a life laid in my hands when I had no idea what to do.

My brain was screaming at me. I was a Historian! A Philosopher! A Psychologist! Not a Doctor! Not anymore! I had to breathe and remind myself that I wasn't powerless to save people anymore. I was capable, with decades of medical training and a Medical Degree. Carlisle had trained me himself, and I had served my residencies under him. I had practiced medicine for over a decade before hospitals got to be too much for me. The years in the interim hadn't taken the knowledge I had, not like it would for a human. And even though I hadn't practiced in decades, I still studied with Carlisle whenever he freshened his medical training, in case I was needed and could help.

The memory of my reasons for leaving flooded my mind. The last time I had been in a hospital was after Emmet and I had run into those poor girls, the pull of their blood had been too strong. He hadn't been able to contain himself, and attacked them. I hadn't been able to stop him or pull him off, he was much stronger than I was and I was battling my thirst at the smell of them, all while trying to overpower the strongest skilled vampire I had ever met. By the time I was able to get him off of them and rush the girls to the hospital, they were beyond saving and died on my operating table. I was the doctor that had to tell the family, I had to lie to them and said that my brother and I had found them attacked by wild animals. I couldn't bear working there after that, or any other hospital for that matter. I had always known that our actions could send people to the morgue as easily as we could save them was too much, but after that, the reality was all too real. Emmet still felt guilty for those girls occasionally, He knew the temporary gratification hadn't been worth it, but he also knew he had been unable to control himself, and ever since had resolved to be better. His guilt always seemed to rear surrounding anything that hinted to my past in the medical field, knowing that his actions caused me to give up a career I had loved, but couldn't stand anymore.

I had loved working as a doctor. It had brought so much purpose to my life knowing how many I could save, and now it was time to re-immerse myself into that medical mindset and do everything in my power to protect this life. I would have to make sure Bella knew everything so she could give her full informed consent to put her life into my hands.

It had only taken a few seconds to ground myself and make my choice.

I re-took my place behind Bella and spoke softly so as not to startle her. She still jumped and I sensed a quick jolt of surprise from her despite my efforts. "I-I know you've decided on what you want. And I don't want to undermine your decision, but since it involves me, I want to let you know exactly whose hands you are putting your faith in."

I felt Bella's Confusion as she spoke to me, clearly not understanding why I needed to state my case "Jasper, I- I don't understand? N-no matter what you've done in your life, I trust you. I mean with such a long life, we're all bound to have our sins."

I couldn't hold back the bitter smile as I thought of every sin that I would be laying out for her. Knowing this could sway her from having me be the one to help her. "Bella, did I ever tell you about how I became a vampire? Or what my life was like before I was a part of Carlisle's family?"

"No..? I think E-Edward may have told me that you belonged to another coven before, but he didn't really go into detail about it."

"I think it's something you need to know."

I held out my hand and led Bella to the couch in the living room, sitting next to her and angling my body towards her as Alice took a seat on the cushion behind me. I took a deep, steadying breath as I began to tell Bella my story. I hoped it would let her see how much change was really possible after turning. But also let her know what I had been capable of before. And why what was being asked of me would be so hard. Though Bella's blood didn't draw me as much as it did for Edward, feeling his thirst around her had been difficult. I had to admit to myself that my biggest fear was that my next taste of human blood would send me back to who I had been before. Alice had always told me that it got easier to deal with as time went on, and she was right. But it would never not bother me what I had done and what I had become for so long..

"I- I was born in 1844 in Huston, Texas, I-I was born Jasper Whitlock to a lower class f-farming family as the tensions leading up to the C-Civil W-War were starting to b-build. M-My family, being from the t- times and conditioning they were, were fervent supporters of the s-succession of the South from the North. By the time War had officially declared, my f-father was too old to be allowed into the f-fray. I think that's the r-reason he let me go after he caught me sneaking off to the townsite a few months shy of my 17th birthday. It was early November of 1861. I-I was his oldest child,and I knew m-my father didn't want me to go at first, but I convinced him." I allowed myself a fond smile at the memory of my father, misguided as he had been when I was growing up. I had a feeling that if he were around now, he wouldn't have supported the reasons for the war and would have wanted a more peaceful world to raise his family in.

"When I-I told him that I couldn't stand by as the war endangered those we loved. And that I would leave crawling if I had to, he even gave me his favorite stallion to get me to Huston sooner. Brutus saw me throughout the war, and the last night of my life. I hated the reasons for what the war supported, it was so ridiculous to me for a man to fight to own another human being. But my focus wasn't on the reason, it was focused on my people, including the slaves whose lives were in the most danger in times of unrest."

I chanced a glance at Bella and saw her eyes widen as she was obviously doing the math and seeing how old I really was. The centuries had not been kind, even if my face didn't show the years.

I took a breath as I continued, pushing forward knowing that the longer I spoke, the more damning my sins would become. My voice grew stronger as I fell into my memories and allowed them to flow, trying not to think too hard on the words as they left my lips. "Little did I know that the war of humans was also covering up the wars of immortals. You see, the wars of the immortals had already been going on for a century or more in North America by the time the American Civil War broke out, and the latest smaller scale wars were easily hidden by the senseless killings between humans... but I guess I'm getting ahead of myself."

"When I got to Huston, I went to the recruiter for the Confederate army as soon as he set up his stall outside City Hall the next morning. I lied and said it was my 20th birthday, I got away with it since I was tall for my age. I doubt that he really believed me, at that point they would accept anyone that looked somewhat close to their age standards."

"I had a very promising military career, despite how short-lived it would turn out to be. I rose through the ranks quickly and by the first battle of Galveston, I was the youngest Major in the Confederate Army, not counting that lie I had told them to enlist. My human life ended just days before my real 20th birthday on the morning of January 1, 1863."

"I remember those days so clearly, they were my last human memories, and they were what helped me remember who I was through the pain of the change. What made me remember who I really was at my core. The day before the second battle of Galveston, I had been put in charge of the evacuation of Galveston to Huston. It took a day to prepare all the women and children for evacuation, and even then we couldn't take all of them at once to avoid detection. I remember being the most fulfilled in being able to protect my people, it was the reason I had joined in the first place and it was during missions like these that I felt I was doing my God-given duty. I remember that once I got them safely to Huston that night, I stayed just long enough to make sure my men began to get them safely quartered before I grabbed Brutus from the military stables and made my way back to Galveston. I heard the clock chiming midnight as I left the city limits and I knew my men would be following soon after, but there wasn't any time to lose. I had to get to the rest of the civilians and get them organized as quickly as possible so we could get them out of there. I had planned everything so precisely, I was running through how long the round trips would take and how long I could go without sleep. I was so sure that they would all be evacuated before the Union Mortar boats bombed that small town when dawn broke.

Everything was going according to plan, until I ran into 3 women on the side of the road. At first, I thought they were stragglers from my evacuation unit, but I had been so sure that I had counted everyone. Regardless, I went up to the women and as soon as I saw their pale skin and perfect features, I knew they weren't lost members of my party, I would have definitely remembered them from their looks alone. Not even mentioning the commanding presence from the youngest looking woman. I got off Brutus and went up to the women. You see I had been trained from a young age to always protect the women around me, so it never occurred to me to be cautious around these women.

I remember them arguing amongst themselves about whether I would be useful to them. I even remember one, who I later learned was Nettie, saying that she "killed them twice as often as she kept them". The one named Maria ordered Lucy to take their hungry comrade for a hunt. They headed in the direction of Huston as Maria turned her attention to me. Even now, I hate to think of which civilians lost their lives that night when they had been so close to safety. " I shuddered at what I knew those two had been capable of.

"I should have turned then, but my training to protect civilians kept me there. In the end, it was Maria who turned me after she sent Nettie and her other partner Lucy off to hunt, while she ended my life. She even said that she hoped I survived,and that she had a good feeling about me…." I trailed off for a moment as I allowed myself a feeling of bitterness at the irony of my death that I decided to voice. " Here's some sick irony... I died a few miles south of the town that I had gone to to sign up to defend the ones who get most hurt by war. I couldn't have been more than 10 miles from my parents the night I died."

I thought for a moment of how close I had been to the mother I had called out for as the change took me, I could still remember her long flowing hair, same honey color as mine, that she had always kept down, except on special occasions like going to church or social gatherings. It was the one feature I held dearly about myself since it reminded me of the woman who had loved me so much and taught me to be who I was today, despite all the hatred and pain I had been taught for over a century that had almost erased all of her hard work.

I cleared my throat as I realized that I had been quiet for a bit longer than intended. I looked Bella in the eyes as I went on, I needed her to know the gravity of what would be awaiting her if she chose to go through with this. "I- I normally wouldn't say this, I don't want to unnecessarily burden you, but since you need to know this to make this decision I will tell you. The days that it took me to change were the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. And I say this with a century of pain from the wars I was constantly fighting in. I'm sure you remember how much pain you were in last spring when you were bitten by James. And the venom had only been in your veins for a few minutes"

I paused here, giving her a moment to bring that memory to the surface and saw the moment it came to her. I felt a prickle against my own right wrist as I saw Bella's eyes grow wide as I reminded her of James's attack and her hand unconsciously went to the scar on her wrist that was always slightly colder than the rest of her. I felt the intensity of the pain she had remembered as Fear blossomed across my chest, matching hers. The remembered pain wasn't quite the degree of the actual Change, but it proved my point. Even though I wanted desperately to ease her emotions and send her Calm, I knew it would be wrong to deprive her of her emotions. Unless she asked me to, I would not consciously use my gift on her again.

At this point, I finally mustered up the courage to roll up my sleeves and show Bella what I kept hidden from everyone aside from my family. I angled my arms beneath the light of the chandelier so Bella could clearly see my war-scarred body. I watched as her head cocked to one side as I could feel the Confusion in her mind give way to understanding, then horror as she reached a hand closer to the scar one of my first newborns, Jeremiah, had given me. Bella had reached, but her hand hovered over my arm, I felt the apprehension to touch, the conflict in her mind "J-Jasper… what? Why?"

My voice was soft and I didn't bother to contain the sadness that every mark represented. "Each mark here is a life that was lost, a life full of opportunity ended at my hand. Children who thought that they had an eternity laid out before them, only for it to end within a year." I whispered as I gently took her still-hovering hand and brought it to my arm and traced the scar Jerimiah had given me with her finger. "This is the same thing that happened to you, only a thousand times over." I felt Bella's horror as she realized how many lives I had taken. I didn't feel any revulsion towards me though? Was her horror due to the concept of the war that forced me to take all those lives? Or was it directed at the monster I used to be?

I allowed myself a bitter smile. " It's ironic isn't it?" I looked up at Bella as she continued to look at my scars, I practically saw the gears turning in her mind as she processed everything I was telling her. "The only thing that leaves scars on us is our venom. Some will heal quickly, like our tears, but if it gets under our skin, like fighting an opponent, they will leave a mark on you that lasts until your last breath. I would remember all of them, even if I didn't see these reminders everyday." I released Bella's hand, but her hand stayed where it was, warming one of the many scars that had caused me to feel cold and unloveable for so long.

It was time to reveal the reason for the scars now. I took another steadying breath as I reached the worst part of my story for me, the one that still felt like it carved out my heart everytime I relived it. My voice trembled at the remembered pain and hate that had been my constant companions during that century of war. Bella's warm hand brought me the strength to continue, she was the only reason I was reliving this at all. She needed to know, before she trusted me with something so fragile as her life..

"From then on, I was Maria's pawn, quickly promoted to wrangling the newborns as we discovered that despite not being able to fully control it, I had a talent for calming the newborns, reducing hostility, increasing training successes, and allowing our numbers to swell. By the time of our first coordinated battle in Monterey, there were 23 of us against our opponent's 9 newborns and their 2 coven leaders. We only lost 4 which was unheard of, an overwhelming victory that started Maria's greed. In the end, our territory expanded into most of Texas and Northern Mexico. Unfortunately, all of Maria's success had also painted a target on her back. Within my first 18 months Nettie and Lucy had turned on Maria, and we had to destroy them."

I paused as I remembered the argument, their shrieks as I defended Maria with blind loyalty. I continued on, "The violence only escalated from there, we always had a dozen or so newborns around and once they outgrew their usefulness we would dispose of them." My voice grew hollow with the remembered horror of my first century as I tried to put them into words. "Once a year, I would call them outside our base, one by one and destroy them… I can still remember all the pain of each child as I ended their existence. The pain, the fear... and I gradually sunk deeper and deeper into a depression I never thought I would get out of. Until almost a century later, I connected with a newborn named Peter."

"Peter was 3 at the time and was trying to convince me to spare a few newborns after Maria's orders to destroy them all. Peter was my assistant for the night. I felt the night wearing on him as our body count mounted. and it was beginning to affect my ability to continue the hateful task. I was about to suggest he take the rest of the night off when I called Charlotte out. I immediately felt his Anger and Fury, so I was able to brace myself, but I knew that if it came to a fight, I would lose a friend, he wouldn't stand a chance, I had too many years of experience over him."

"But I didn't receive the blows that I expected from him, as soon as Charlotte came out his feelings changed and Peter surprised me. They ran. I could have caught them but I couldn't bring myself to destroy my only friend in a long time. Maria was very upset that I had let them go, and I guess that was the beginning of the rift that developed between us... and what allowed me to leave later."

"My mental state deteriorated rapidly after that. Maria and the others never felt guilt for the countless lives we took. And I did. After losing Peter I felt it more strongly because I had no one who even remotely understood what I was going through. Above all, Maria began to change, I began to feel the Malice and Fear that had tipped me off to Nettie and Lucy's strike years ago and I began to fear for my own life, knowing I would have to destroy my last companion to survive, if it came to it."

"But I would never have to, because five years later Peter and Charlotte snuck back to free me. They told me of their peaceful life, how they hadn't had to fight for territories or amongst others of our kind once. I had been with Maria for almost a century, almost as long as Carlisle has had this family, yet I felt no connection to her, since she just used me for blood and Power. I left within ten minutes of them coming to my door."

"My depression only worsened after I left Maria and I couldn't understand why, which made the situation feel all the more hopeless. Peter finally made the connection for me. It was the fact that We were hunting humans."

I felt Bella's prickle of confusion as she tried to connect the dots, so I helped the process along as I explained how my powers worked, and why this revelation had been so important for me. "As you know Bella, I can manipulate people's emotions within a certain radius, but did you know that the emotions from everyone in that radius also affects me? That was why I was able to find you yesterday and help you. I felt your fear gripping me, making it impossible to move for a moment at how intense it was. And your emotions lead me to you, It's why I found you in the bottom of the Bathtub instead of blindly looking for you elsewhere."

"Now that you know that my power works both ways, which took me over a century to realize, you can understand why once Peter made that connection, I couldn't live with them anymore. It had never been the constant fighting or the hateful environment, although they were key factors in making everything that much more miserable. It was the fact that every time I hunted, I felt the human I was hunting, all their emotions, the Wonder of seeing me, just as I had when I first saw Maria, The Pain and Fear as I drained away their life, I lived their emotions as I killed them. and it was slowly killing me fact that I could feel their life as I snuffed it out led me to grieving their loss, hundreds of thousands of deaths on my hands, innocent lives taken, just so I could survive.

I felt a pang of sadness from Bella, the empathy she had for my plight all those years ago. " I thought there was no other way. That I could only survive on Human blood. So I would starve myself once I knew that my prey was the reason for all my pain. I loved Peter and Charlotte dearly, I still call them brother and sister, the same as many who go to war feel like the people in their unit have become family, united by trauma and mutual understanding. But despite all of that, they couldn't understand why I would care if I killed humans. They could rationalize it as they needed to survive, so why should they feel guilty if they were just choosing to live? But I couldn't make that leap, because I saw humans as people too, whereas Peter and Charlotte had long since left that sentiment behind. I parted with Peter and Charlotte not long after that. They knew I meant them no ill-will and that I left simply due to a need to find a way to still live with this existence... and I needed to be alone to find it."

"I left them and wandered for years. I began to slowly let myself go out into the daylight, only on days when it rained, but I was still so uncomfortable with it, I still am to be honest... a century of leaving only at night is such a hard habit to break. It was a mid spring day in 1948. I was in Philadelphia that day, there was a storm raging and I was trying to become more comfortable being out during the day, and so far only days like that hadn't drawn attention to what I really was. But I knew standing outside during a storm would attract too much attention. My eyes were black that day. I was in one of my months of fasting, so I was starved, but at least my eye color wouldn't attract attention. So I ducked into that small diner and that is where I met Alice…"

Bella whispered "What was it like? After all those years of only knowing people during a war? Her voice full of wonder and curiosity. I had almost forgotten she was there,being so immersed in the past.

I smiled broadly as I allowed myself to remember what meeting Alice had been like, the apprehension of knowing she was also a vampire, and not knowing if she would attack me or not. But only being able to detect the absolute trust she had in me, as if she had known me forever. "From then on, she changed my life. She had been expecting me, of course." I smiled down at my tiny pixie miracle of a wife as I continued. "She hopped down from her stool at the bar as soon as I walked in and came directly up to me. I was shocked. None of our kind had ever dared come up to me like that because of how I looked, they knew I had been a killer. I didn't know if Alice was going to attack me, but that was the only way someone would come up to me like that, or so my life of war had taught me. But her emotions didn't match her actions at all. I had never felt anything like what I did from Alice. I later learned that it was Trust."

I heard the chime of my tiny wife's voice as she told Bella her side of things. This was her favorite part, I couldn't expect her to not contribute after all that I had said ."What can I say, I was eager to finally get to know the man I had my first vision of." she let out my favorite tinkling laugh "I came up to you and said 'You've kept me waiting for a long time.' I had built you up quite a bit in my head. And I wasn't disappointed, you ducked your head like a good southern gentleman and said-"

"I'm sorry ma'am" I said, just as I had half a century before. It was amazing how when I was around Alice it seemed like time had never passed at all. " You held out your hand and I took it without even trying to make sense of what was happening. I just knew from then on, my life would figure itself out.

I looked at Bella and said " Alice gave me my first taste of Hope…and continues to be my light when my world gets Dark. She was my first true taste of life, my first kiss, my first love, she has shown me the beauty of the world that I wasn't able to see at all after almost a century at war. I had never had time to truly feel anything for myself or knew anything of what I wanted, until I was allowed to make a choice that didn't involve a blood sacrifice."

Bella smiled as she heard the happy ending to my story. "I'm so proud of you Jasper, you really have been able to adapt to being a vampire so well. Maybe I can too…"

My eyes burned as I admitted to the sins of the life I had before. I had only told the story a few times before, and it was still surprisingly painful despite the pain being almost a century in the past.

"But Bella, just because I found a new life with Carlisle and this family, it doesn't mean that I have been perfect since. I've still killed… I've still taken lives that weren't mine to take. Having Alice has made all the difference though, she's allowed me to overcome my mistakes and try again... And the most recent one was the reason we moved to Forks. There was a boy… 4 years ago... and he had fallen on a hiking trail less than a mile or two from where I had been Hunting. At the time we were living with another family of vegetarian vampires, the Denali Coven in Alaska. I had been making sure I was well fed before going near humans, but I had reached the limits of my control and was out on a solo hunt to remedy that. You see, we give ourselves over to our instincts a bit more when we hunt. And I had always hunted alone so I don't hurt my siblings or my wife. But that also means no one was there to stop me. No one saw as I took his life. I covered my trail, making it look like he had gone missing without a trace. But I couldn't bear the thought of being so close to where I had killed him. And Carlisle did me the kindness of helping me get away from that place, we had already been attracting too much attention with so many vampires in one place. Since then I've always tried to hunt with someone near me, that way I wouldn't be a danger to others."

Bella's hand clapped over her mouth- I felt shock and sadness pass over her as she heard of the darker reasons that had pushed us to move to yet again, the circumstances that had brought us into her life.

I paused, taking a breath before telling Bella why I was so hesitant to accept this responsibility… Fear. "Bella, ever since I left Maria's Army, I have always been afraid of what blood does to me, I feel like an addict! That I can never control myself around other humans as well as everyone else. I have only been practicing this new way of life for about fifty years, whereas I've had about 150 years of being a vampire who hunts Humans, with no need to have restraint. Everyone else, even if they're younger than I am, have spent a larger portion of their own lives practicing self-restraint… I'm the one with the weakest self-control! It makes no sense to me h-how I'm the one Alice sees as giving you the best chance at survival. I'm so new to self control that the thought of trying to change someone terrifies me."

My voice began to tremble as I voiced my worst fear. My words catching in my throat, every sound a struggle. "I-I'm t-terrified that the next t-taste of human blood I have will be what sends me back to b-being the m-monster that M-Maria c-created." I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees, it felt like it was all I could do to hold myself together. I couldn't help but remember all the men I had been unable to save during the war and that same feeling of total uselessness and panic washed over me all over again.

My hands began to shake as I gripped myself ever-tighter, My vision tunneling as I voiced the very real possibility of all of this. "I'm t-terrified that when I try to change you, th-that I-I'll k-kill you i-instead. And th-that absolutely terrifies me. I-I couldn't live with myself if I couldn't save you, e-especially with you putting all your trust in me. We're giving you a choice in all of this, much more than any of us ever had… but what if it's a death sentence instead?" I took in a gulp of air as the venom burned down my throat and stung my eyes as it rolled down my cheeks. "Bella, what I saw last night, you... b-being so close to losing you and feeling like there was n-nothing I could do. That. That is my biggest fear."

"Jasper, I trust you with my life. I know you are hurting right now and probably don't think you are trustworthy, but it is because of all you have done that I know you have the strength for this. I know Alice is right and I will put my chance of surviving all of this in your hands." I felt Bella's arms wrap firmly around my shoulders, giving me more strength than I felt I deserved. I stiffened for a moment, knowing I shouldn't be losing control right now, but I hadn't realized how much I had needed Bella to accept this part of me. She was putting my life in her hands despite knowing about the blood that had stained my hands for over a century. I felt myself lower my knees and my arms instinctively wrapping around her. I knew I couldn't fail Bella's trust, no matter the personal cost. She would live through this, even if my family had to end my existence in the process.

I rested my head on Bella's shoulder, taking comfort in her trust. "Bella, I will protect you with my life. As long as I exist, you will be safe." My voice was raw and I felt like I was talking through a throat full of razors.

I felt Bella's arms tighten around me, burying her face in my neck. "Jazz, you of all people know that I never wanted to be thrown back into all of this… But after everything that has happened these last few days… I feel like I can get through all of this, even if it means not being human in the end." I felt her whisper towards the end as Bella's grief gripped at my heart, mirroring where Bella was feeling it herself.

Bella's voice took on a faraway tone as she continued. "Do you remember how I was about all of this just a few days ago? Even if I wasn't saying it, I know you felt how reluctant I was to be here again, surrounded by vampires again with practically no choice in the matter. But the longer I stayed here the more I realized how much I missed having you all as a family. Doing our best to bring the battle to us and to get the area around the house and the defenses shored up, it made me realize how you all were never the problem. I had built it up in my head that you had all been in on Edward's plan to leave me, and I blamed you for it, regardless of what the reasoning had been. But as we worked together and talked more than we ever have before about the side of the story you all never got to tell me, I realized that you all had been just as blindsided as I was. It feels like it was so long ago, it's crazy how a few days, or even hours can change your life."

"You and Alice made me feel the most heard and understood as I started getting re-settled here. Even if the rest of the family still doesn't exactly treat me as equals, they still care about me and want to do their best to keep me safe. Like you said Jasper, everyone is getting used to me being an adult who needs to make decisions for myself. I didn't have a chance to get to know you all very much before when I was with E-Edward. It was always about how new this whole world was for me, then it was just trying to survive it.

"Knowing that there is practically no way I'll survive this as a human though… I feel like I need to start some "end of human life planning". I feel like I've been diagnosed with some crazy illness and I need to go through the Change to survive. If I want to keep living, I don't really have any choice. I know I've got to start coming to terms with it now or I'll just resent everything." Bella paused for a moment, taking a breath. "Jasper, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always love and trust you all. We have had times where we've let each other down, but when it really matters, we always come through for each other. I've put my life in your hands before, and I've never doubted you would do everything in your power to keep me safe. This is just a different kind of protection now, one that will last forever. Soon you won't be able to get rid of me." I felt Bella's nervous laughter vibrating across my chest, and it was contagious. I couldn't contain my own laugh of relief, that felt like it was bursting out of my chest. Bella was going to be okay with her new life.

We all knew it would take adjustments for all of us, but Bella Swan would be the first vampire I had ever met who had known what was coming and had a chance to come into this all a bit more prepared than we had been… I had a feeling Bella could find purpose in this new life that was waiting for her.

Author's Note:

Hey everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've been able to update the story. I appreciate everyone being so patient and understanding about the lack of updates. We all know 2020 kicked everyone's butt, and to be honest I thought I would have a better chance of writing more during quarantine times. The past 2 years have had other plans. I can't believe the last time I published anything for this story was back in November of 2018?! Time flies so quickly.

I had a few roadblocks to writing this but I'm happy to say I feel like I finally got that ball rolling again. I even wrote a tinesy bit ahead (1 half done chapter in advance lol).

But hey at least I can say that I now have the rough draft of a book under my belt. Now I just have to polish, edit and publish that on top of working full time, so no big deal right? But I have been wanting to bring this fic back into my life for ages now, so now that I've put another chapter out I feel like I can keep that productivity snowball going easier now.

Last time I wrote a chapter, I promised I would stick this fic through to the end and even if it takes me a bit I want y'all to know I will finish this fic.

Thank you for all the reviews that you kind readers have left, I read each and every one. And if you like my story feel free to follow it so that you can get notified when the next chapter is ready. I love you all dearly and hope you will continue to ride with me on this adventure though my own take on Bella's world.