It wasn't long before there was yet another emergency meeting called at the Order headquarters, at this point they may as well have just all moved into the meeting room. Hermione had had her fill off these meetings, she was sick and tired of all the talk but lack of action that they always produced, and judging by Nevilles glazed over eyes during them he was as fed up as she was. Seriously, what did they hope to achieve gathered around a table?
Little did her fellow Order members know, yet again, this was a waste of her time. They already knew what this meeting was for, in the early hours of that morning they had received a text from the Slytherins to let them know that, for the moment, they were safe again.
More than one tear had been shed between Luna, Neville and herself when they were told that Kingsley was gone, however there was little space to dwell on these forms of emotion and they had gathered themselves together and were now prepared to act the part of stunned and outraged. Kicking a rock along the little path towards the tent Hermione realised that more than anything else she felt relief, these people may anger her on a daily basis, but if she didn't have them to fight for she would have lost her only purpose to keep on going.
She had always been a caregiver, always willing to risk her life for those she loved, she had just moulded that aspect of her personality into something suitable for the depths of war. At least she was happy to convince herself that she was still doing things for them, even when that small part of her subconscious crept in to tell her this was more about vengeance than love.
Hermione had changed herself, built the walls in her mind, cut the useless parts off, readjusted her morals, and figured out how to survive. She held many flaws and many regrets but no one could ever say she wasn't resilient, nor that she wasn't a survivor.
Now all that was needed was to figure out how to win.
She was so caught up in her thoughts that she barely noticed when Remus called the meeting to order, nor did she really register when he broke the news of Kingsleys death to the others. She tried to gather herself together, she needed to play her part well, the last thing she needed was any more talk about her emotional lockdown that had garnered attention before. More and more often, living within the Order felt like constantly being on display, her every move watched and her every opinion scrutinised. When had these people become such strangers to her?
"I know this is going to be something that takes us all a while to fully process, I myself am in a complete state of shock at this moment in time." Remus addressed the group, and the exhaustion was so evident across his face. His lycanthropy already aged his body quicker than the standard wizard, but the deep circles under his eyes and the greying of his hair were clearly the toll of his leadership role in this war. A man who had never wanted to stand out, but always forced to the centre of attention. He continued wearily, "However, let me reassure you all that we will make sure to keep everyone's safety paramount while we adjust to this loss. Kingsley died to allow us all to continue living, and that sacrifice can not be in vain. We must try to remember all he accomplished, and keep the fond memories to the front of our minds. We can not let ourselves crumble under the weight of our losses, and we will honour his sacrifice to the war by continuing to stand against the dark."
Despite her best efforts she had to allow herself to zone out again otherwise she was at risk of the anger that was creeping up at his words from spilling out. Kingsley deserved them to fight for him, he deserved some form of actual effort to be made to avenge his death and all the others they'd lost in this absolute shit show. However, yet again, it would be Neville, Luna and herself that would be the only ones to take action. What would those around her think if they knew that they had been working with four active death eaters to do the things they weren't brave enough to do?
Would they ever be able to accept that the Slytherins had already done more to help change the outcome of the war than any of the Order had since Harry died?
How would they feel to know the Order's safety, and the act of mercy given to Kingsley, had been the actions of four people branded with the dark mark.
Who now would defend her when she brought up more active measures during meetings? After all Snape was barely accepted in the Order, he couldn't defend them.
No, she thought as she watched the others leave the meeting finally, they were truly alone now…
Or perhaps, given the events of the past twenty four hours, they had now gained four allies…
Remus approaching her snapped her out of her spiralling thoughts. She had decided this morning that she would give one last try at convincing him to act, maybe the shock of losing Kingsley would force him into action.
"You wanted to speak to me?" Remus took the seat beside her, his voice full of dejection.
"Yes, and I really hope you will hear me out fully Remus. We have known eachother for far too long, and seen far too many things to not offer each other that courtesy." he nodded at her to continue, "Harry once told me about the day Moody died, what happened before we arrived… He told me that you had been furious at him for disarming Shunpike rather than stunning or killing him."
She paused for a moment, watching as Remus rubbed his temples clearly knowing where this conversation was going - however she would not be deterred.
"Back then you knew it was kill or be killed, back when there was far less threat to our safety than there is now. If we don't do something soon there will be none of us left, and I don't think any of us want to have gone through all the pain we have over the last few years not to win. Harry would want us to fight, he fought from the moment he was brought into this world and you more than anyone know that… you know his story, how he and his family lost their lives to try to bring down Vol.. He-who-must-not-be-named. Please, I'm begging you, we need to start taking action."
Hermione wasn't used to having to pull so deeply from her emotions and she struggled to keep her barriers in her mind in place while still showing how much she needed him to listen. Every time she mentioned Harry the whole fragile defence she had constructed in her mind threatened to crumble, but Harry more than anything was what appealed to Remus. He met her eyes and she could see the battle of emotions within them as he spoke.
"I don't know how many times we can have a variation of this conversation Hermione. You know very well I never told any of you to use dark magic, that clings to your soul and warps you into someone you wouldn't recognise. Trust me, to live in a body and mind that is not truly yours is something I know well, and something I would never want for anyone else."
Hermione tried to cut in, but he held his hand up to silence her.
" I don't want any of this to come across as condescending, you are the brightest witch I have ever met, but you know we can no longer compare the situation before Harry's… passing, and now. We don't even have magic any more, stunning or killing is out of the question. It is one thing to cause any form of harm via a wand, but imagine what causing harm would do if you used your bare hands? Surely that is even more likely to change you, to break you, to seep into the darkest corners of your being. I have spent nearly my whole life trying to control the violence within, dreaded the idea of having ever laid my hands on anyone, and I will not condone or encourage any one of the Order members under my care to do something so terrible. We are not the killers here Hermione, and if we lose that we lose ourselves."
Yea because we aren't losing countless to horrendous deaths by sitting here sharing those views.
The bitterness in her tone was evident, but she couldn't hold it back. "Oh Remus, the likelihood of any of us making it out of this without regrets is zero. The only thing you are really preventing is any chance of us making it out of this at all. If you think fighting is too much for our delicate sensibilities, wait for what they will do when we are all at their mercy... I hope if that time comes that they dispose of me quickly, because the one thing I really couldn't live with is knowing I could of fought but instead led those I care for into certain pain, torture and death. I suppose then you will also see things the way I do. Hindsight is twenty-twenty after all."
Before Remus could say anything else Hermione pushed her chair out and stormed out of the room, unwilling to hear any more and hoping that he would find the fight that once was within him. It was a futile hope, she knew that, but if she couldn't hold onto it she was frightened she wouldn't be able to remain here a second longer. What had happened to Lupin? The Professor she had viewed so highly, the one that kept going no matter who or what he lost, the one that Hermione had once had the deepest respect for had become a shell of the person she once knew.