Nocturnal Admissions

The closer the Enterprise got to his homeworld, the more tense Spock became. The last time he was home he had been hastily bonded; there had been chaos at his clan's gathering with T'Pring, and he and Nyota were not on the best terms back then. It was hard to believe that was only a few short months ago. Before that, he had only been home long enough to be challenged by T'Pring and depart, believing he had killed his best friend. He had not seen his parents at all during that disastrous visit. In fact, he had not seen his parents together in several years, not until their journey on the Enterprise to the Babel Conference.

Now he was going home for an official visit as a married adult with his wife. Yes, he was seeking medical treatment for himself and Nyota, but they would visit Vulcan as a bonded couple and for Spock, this was a big deal. This visit might decide their future, where he and Nyota would settle down after the Enterprise was decommissioned, at least until a new ship was ready. He had never thought of living on Vulcan again. When he was planning to go through with his marriage to T'Pring, he thought he would at most visit her there for his Pon Farrs and then live on the Enterprise alone. And once the five-year mission was over, he thought to return to Earth to work at the Academy or some other role within Star Fleet until the ship was ready to travel again or until his Vulcan nature called him home to mate once more.

Never had he imagined himself living on Vulcan with a human wife by his side. But once he had bonded Nyota his mind strayed down that path. He wondered if he could have the life of a normal Vulcan man? Could he and Nyota live on Vulcan with his family and perhaps start one of their own? What kind of life would that be?

He had lived half of his life off-world and among humans. His wife was human. Would he and Nyota be accepted into Vulcan society or would they be shunned as he had been as a child? What would they do for careers? Where would they live? Would Nyota be happy? There were so many things about Vulcan Nyota did not yet know and would not understand. The exotic mix of innovative advanced technology with non-emotional, logical thinking inhabitants who also held steadfastly onto tribalistic tradition.

For example, this virus he had contracted that targeted the empathic races. Spock had never heard of it and therefore he assumed it must be rare for Vulcans to contract it contrary to McCoy's belief that it was a common illness among telepaths. Yet he knew there was a faction of Vulcans who shunned telepathy and psi practitioners and tried to suppress the teaching of it. It would not be unheard of for this virus to be a well-kept secret, one that good Vulcans did not discuss. Or perhaps he was just one of the rare Vulcans with enough psi abilities to be vulnerable to the virus. Vulcans may be a telepathic race but they didn't celebrate it and although everyone had some degree of psi sensitivity, not everyone indulged in telepathy or found it a reliable means of communication. And then there was Sybok.

"Nyota, I have something I must discuss with you, something that I would ask that you do not share with others," Spock said as he lay awake next to Nyota in their bed.

Nyota's head rested on his chest, but she lifted it to look into his troubled face. "Oh boy, what is it now? It sounds serious."

"For a Vulcan, it is very serious. If we are to live on Vulcan even temporarily, there are some aspects of Vulcan society that you must learn. There Are some Vulcan taboos and traditions that will be illogical, there is no other way to put it."

"Illogical Vulcan traditions? Honey, surely nothing can beat Pon Farr or the koon-ut-kal-if-fee?"

"You would be quite surprised. I do not know how to adequately explain the Vulcan mind or the extent to which Vulcans will go to avoid conflict or to avoid causing harm to others," he explained.

"I know Vulcans don't like to use force or violence even towards the smallest of creatures. I know that you will put your own life at risk to save another. Some people say Vulcans are the harbinger of peace," Uhura said.

"That is what we Vulcans would like to believe in ourselves. However, Vulcan is not a utopia. My own childhood, filled with racial taunts and bigotry bears that out. Vulcans are like any other people with their illogical... tendencies."

"I know, and I am so sorry that you had to endure that, Adun. I wish I had been your friend back then. I would have given those bullies a piece of my mind."

"I believe you would have. I still get the odd look from Lieutenant Boma which I attribute to your scolding of him on my behalf." Spock said with fondness in his voice. "And how ironic your choice of words considering that I have inadvertently given you a 'piece of my mind'."

"You didn't mean to," she dismissed his claim, "besides if you hadn't restored my memories I might not be here now."

Spock thought perhaps no truer words had ever been spoken. If he had not infected her with his katra she might not have become his bonded mate and bride laying in his arms now.

"You've asked me several times about my telepathic abilities, about how I restored your memories, and about whether I can speak to your mind, or interact with your dreams?"

"Yes, I still do not understand Vulcan telepathy and this virus is just another thing I do not understand."

"The truth is, I do not understand it all myself. I do not know if I can interfere with dreams. I have never tried to do so, but I probably can and I probably have. I was never formally trained in the telepathic arts because my father did not approve. He, like many other Vulcans, believes telepathy to be untrustworthy, unscientific, and at times unethical."

"Really? I just assumed all Vulcans practiced telepathy, at least with one another if not outsiders."

"No. It is a practice performed between the most intimate of acquaintances only. Rarely between strangers and certainly not with off-worlders. Some Vulcans believe telepathy to be dangerous and my father is one of them. I do not think he is not incorrect in that assessment but he has his logical reasons. In the wrong hands, telepathy can be a powerful weapon," Spock said. "My predecessor, Gary Mitchell is a testament to that notion."

"Oh yes, I've heard the stories about him, he died shortly before I came aboard. These quarters used to be his. I was told you refused to take over the first officer's cabin out of respect for his passing?"

"That is what the crew thinks. I simply didn't see the logic in moving." Spock said.

"Sulu thinks you assigned the big cabin to me for some special reason," Uhura teased.

"I based your cabin assignment solely on availability," Spock said simply.

Uhura shook her head but said, "Sure, sure. I know you wouldn't play favorites. You don't have favorites and besides, you'd have had to like me from the moment we met in order for you to do so." She looked at him askance.

"Indeed," Spock said cryptically.

"You won't admit you liked me, will you?"

"No," he answered stubbornly.

"Good. I wouldn't want people saying I got the best cabin on the ship out of favoritism. They already have enough fuel for gossip about the two of us."

"Nyota, does it disturb you that we are fodder for ship's gossip?

"I'd like to say it doesn't, but I'm human. It does bother me to think of what people say about me behind my back. However, I'd also be a hypocrite if I didn't admit that I've indulged in gossip myself, so I guess I have to take it all in stride."

Spock understood her dilemma all too well, but for different reasons. "My mother would often advise, "what other people think of you is none of your business". However, being a telepathic society makes it difficult to ignore what other people think of you. Especially for some unfortunate few with above-average psi ratings. Most Vulcans must maintain physical contact with the subject of a telepathic link. However, I discovered very early in life that I could read some thoughts without physical touch. I could even send my thoughts telepathically to others if I concentrated."

"I see. And this is your secret? That you are more telepathic than the average Vulcan?"

"Yes. I learned very early never to divulge this talent. That it would be frowned upon. It was just one more aspect of myself that set me apart from others. Vulcans do not approve of the use of the mind-melding except between intimate partners, or close family members. Healers may use them but only after rigorous training to maintain privacy. The practice of mind-melding on strangers, especially without consent is one of the highest violations on Vulcan. A mental assault carries some of Vulcan's harshest penalties."

"I understand, and I'll keep your confidence. Does anyone else know about your psi abilities?"

"Captain Kirk has seen me mind-meld with others. He has even asked me to do so occasionally when a mission was critical. He knows the risks, so I am certain he would never betray my confidence. My parents know and T'Pau knows. She has given me some minor instructions before I left for Star Fleet because she wanted me to protect myself." Spock reflected, and then he took a deep breath. "And my brother knows."

"Your brother? Spock, you have a brother?" Nyota asked in shock.

"Yes, a half-brother to be precise. Sybok left home when I was very young. He too possessed unusually strong psi abilities. It caused him to clash with my father often because Sybok did not keep his talents secret. Sybok held beliefs that were in direct conflict with my father's adherence to the teachings of Surak. He did not think Vulcans should practice complete control of their emotions. He thought that some emotions were beneficial to our mental wellbeing. He felt logic should only play a minor role in our everyday life."

"An emotional Vulcan without logic?" Nyota whispered in amazement. She had witnessed Spock when out of control and could not imagine an entire planet like that.

"Yes," Spock said gravely.

"Where is your brother now?"

"I do not know. He left Vulcan many years ago. Like me, Sarek would not speak to him so long as he lived outside of tradition."

"I'm sorry, Spock, it must be... difficult knowing you have a brother somewhere out there and not knowing where or how he is."

"Indeed, it is troubling, especially for my mother."

"Oh, yes poor Amanda, to lose a son... Wait, I don't understand! How could Amanda have a son old enough to leave home when you were a child?"

"Sybok is the child of my father and a Vulcan priestess, born before my parents bonded. My father actually had a bondmate before my mother. Sarek was even younger than I was when he bonded. His wife joined a religious order and left my father with the care of Sybok."

"When Sarek wed my mother, Sybok was already an adolescent, but my mother considers him her son too. Before he left, when Sybok lived with us, we were a very close family. And it was Sybok who taught me some things about life perhaps I shouldn't have known at such a young age." Spock almost smiled in memory, thinking of his brother.

Uhura thought there were some stories of the two brothers she should like to hear someday. To think Spock had an older brother! Oh! And it was odd to think of Sarek having another wife before Amanda. Sarek and Amanda were soulmates; if ever the word could apply to anyone, it was them.

"I thought Vulcan bonds were forever, unless?" She said, suddenly wondering what that meant for her own bond with Spock.

"Of course, ideally, they are. However, the bond can be broken, a wife need only invoke the Kal-if-fee to be free."

"Oh my god, does that mean your father?" She couldn't even finish the thought. It was too grim.

"I do not know. Pon Farr is not spoken of. Nevertheless, he was free of the bond and he yet lives. One can only assume he was challenged and he prevailed."

"That's awful. I can't imagine anything so horrible. Why? Why must someone die? Why can't logical people just agree to end their bond before it comes to Kal-if-fee? Why must there be a fight to the death?"

"The time is not logical, it is primitive hormone-induced madness. Without a bondmate, a man will go insane and die. If his bondmate chooses the Kal-if-fee he will fight to live and either kill or be killed. That is the Vulcan way, that is our nature, Nyota. A nature I have tried to protect you from." Spock hung his head.

"Spock, I understand, I do. You can't control your biology. We humans have tried and failed time and time again and nearly destroyed ourselves in the bargain. So I understand what you're thinking. I don't have to like it though. And all this time I thought having my period was annoying," she laughed. "Your period beats mine by a country mile."

"Indeed, it does," he said, soothed by her words of acceptance.

"So, you're a powerful telepath, you have a brother who is also a rebellious telepath, your father may or may not have killed someone during his Time, and of course your grandma is the de facto ruler of Vulcan and probably the Federation too. Anything else you'd like to tell me about our family?"

"Not at this time, no." Spock felt elated at Nyota's use of the term 'our family'. She really was accepting this revelation calmly.

"Okay. Well, just remember this when you meet my side of the family. I don't know if the Uhuru's can compete with all that you have going on, but trust me they will give it a try."

"So, you accept everything? You are not frightened of my abilities? You don't want to separate?"

Uhura rolled her eyes. "Spock, what is wrong with you?" She touched his forehead checking for a fever. "Why wouldn't I accept it? You haven't told me anything horrible. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. It is who you are, who your family are. You're the same man I thought you were 10 minutes ago before you told me. Maybe just a little more interesting, a little more human. And as long as we're confessing secrets, I want to confess something too."

"You don't have to make any confessions. This was something I thought you needed to know about me considering I seem to be vulnerable to telepathic illnesses."

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. It is a secret that is between us that I don't want there."

"Alright," he conceded.

"Well, then... Spock," Nyota cleared her through nervously.

"Yes, Nyota?"

She sighed. "It's about a touchy subject and I know you don't like to dwell on it."

"What is it?" he asked, beginning to worry again.

"Well, it's about our bonding and Pon Farr."

"What about it?" Spock asked the tension in his voice tightened.

"Nothing bad," she rushed to say. "In fact, I hope you consider it a good thing. I think it is anyway."

"What is it Nyota?"

"Well, I wasn't exactly completely straightforward with you either. I mean, I have my own secrets, you know?"

"Yes?" he said, getting more concerned with her stalling. What could be so bad that she couldn't tell him? Was she finally going to tell him that he had hurt her?

"You see... I was kinda, sorta... a virgin when we bonded." She rushed out the last few words. "There I've said it."

"Ah," Spock nodded his head in relief.

"That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"I am uncertain what else I should say Nyota." He was looking at her as if she had just told him the sun was hot.

"You already knew, didn't you?" She said, feeling foolish all over again. "Of course you knew. You know everything about my past. I'm so stupid." She turned her back to him and closed her eyes.

"You are not stupid Nyota. Never say such things. It was simply logical."

"And why is that?" She was getting irritated that he was not taking her confession seriously.

"Well, during our melds, you didn't have any memories of sexual encounters with anyone, not any other so-called 'boyfriends' from your youth. I would think for human females those kinds of memories would be significant."

"Oh," Nyota said feeling like an idiot, anyway. Of course, he knew all her most intimate memories. How could she have forgotten that she had a piece of Spock's Katra and he had a piece of her memories too?

"I'm sorry Nyota," Spock said when he realized he was not reacting as she expected.

She turned back over to face him. "Why are you sorry? If not for you I'd have no memories at all, significant or otherwise."

"Because this upsets you. I am sorry your first sexual experience had to be with me and under such undesirable circumstances."

"Nevermind, I'm not sorry about that," she dismissed.

"Then what is bothering you?" he was truly dumbfounded now.

"I don't know. I just thought... It was significant to me. I thought it meant nothing to you because you didn't know when it meant something special to me."

"I see. But it does mean something special to me. I am extremely grateful that you agreed to bond with me and save my life. I am very honored that you were willing to make such a sacrifice. I was not worthy of you and for that, I will be forever sorry."

"Spock, you've nothing to be sorry about, as has been pointed out many times, I agreed to bond with you. I chose you just as much as you chose me. You know I've always been attracted to you. I was just embarrassed about the whole thing I guess."

"Why would you embarrassed?"

"Lots of reasons," she said shyly. "The whole thing is embarrassing Spock. I never intended to be a virgin at my age, it just happened. I just never wanted anybody the way I wanted you. But you needed a partner to guide you through Pon Farr and I was obviously a poor choice. You could have died if anything had gone wrong."

"But it didn't go wrong, and you were a perfect choice for a bondmate. I only would wish that our bonding had been under better circumstances. You deserved better."

"I suppose you must think I'm a terrible prude or something?"

"I have never had any such thoughts about you. I always believed you to be a very level-headed female, except perhaps for certain lapses in logic concerning tribbles or Kevin Riley."

"Yeah. Apparently, everyone else on the ship thinks I'm some kind of tramp sleeping with every guy I've ever flirted with or something. They would laugh their asses off if they knew the truth."

"Everyone thinks nothing of the sort. Besides, it does not matter what anyone thinks. What others think of you is none of your concern," Spock repeated his mother's advice.

"That's easy to say but Spock people are judgmental sometimes, and it hurts. I'm here because of my education and talent, not because of how I fill out a uniform nor because of my romantic involvements. I worked hard to get here but that's not what they think when they see me."

"Nyota, I have noticed you seem overly concerned with your appearance lately. You are perfect, just as you are. And your romantic involvements are no one else's concern and have no bearing on your skills and position on this ship. What happens between a bonded couple is private and not open for judgment from others. Do not think of it further."

"Easy for you to say. It wasn't your first time in that cave," she grumbled.

"It was indeed my first Time."

"I mean, it was not your first 'sexual experience'."

"Wasn't it?" he asked in surprise.

"Well, I was there. You didn't seem inexperienced to me."

"I was also there. And if I recall correctly you had to, um... take matters into your own hands and initiate the proceedings. And besides, you have nothing to which you can compare my performance," he reminded her.

"But what about all those women, like Leila, you thought of her in your dream?"

"Lela and I had a relationship very much like you and Kevin Riley. When I knew her on Earth I dared not pursue a physical relationship as I was still bonded to T'Pring. And we were not on Omicron Ceti III long enough to go much beyond what humans would call making out."

"Really?" Just the thought of Leila touching Spock made Nyota dream of scratching her eyes out if she ever saw the girl again. "Okay, so what about that Zarabeth, you thought I was her at one point and you seemed to know her quite intimately?"

Spock nodded his head gravely, "Yes. I do recall that memory."

"Ah-ha!" Uhura said with an accusing tone.

"But Zarabeth lived five thousand years ago. I don't remember all the details of what happened between us in that timeline, though I know I behaved shamefully primitively. In any case, the Spock who may have been intimate with Zarabeth was not the man who is intimate with you. He was a throwback to my ancient ancestors, a thoughtless primitive, both savage and brutal. I didn't recognize him at all. Dr. McCoy could tell you more about that Spock than I could. I have little memory of those events."

"But you remembered Zarabeth so vividly in your dream. You must have slept with her?"

"I truly don't remember. You would have to ask Doctor McCoy. Unsurprisingly five thousand years didn't affect his mind at all."

"Alright, and what about the Romulan Commander you 'captured'?"

"No. I was just meant to distract her," Spock said unreservedly.

"So as far as you know, I was your first?"

"Yes." He said and hoped that reassured her.

"Mmm-hmm. And you're sure there's been no one else? I don't think you touched that Droxine girl?"

"Indeed, you know I did not. There have been no others," he stated with confidence.

"Huh. Well, why didn't you? What were you waiting for? Is that a Vulcan thing?"

"I do not think it is a Vulcan practice. T'Pring certainly did not wait for me. I was waiting for my bondmate."

"Oh. I guess I was too, I mean, waiting for my husband. But what would you have done if you didn't marry? How long would you have waited?"

"All Vulcan males must marry or die trying," He reminded her. "But if I had been spared that aspect of my Vulcan biology, I suppose I would have exercised my freedom, eventually. What about you, my wife? What if we had not married?"

"I guess I would have settled down and married somebody or 'exercised my freedom' eventually too, or become an old maid ship's captain," she grinned, feeling a weight lifted from her shoulders. She was glad she only belonged to Spock and he only belonged to her. "Spock, you and I are not normal. We're a mess, aren't we?"

"I see nothing amiss with us," he said.

"Yes there is," she said, ignoring his deliberate misunderstanding. "Charlene says we're like a couple of kids with their first love."

"Charlene is very wise. On Vulcan, we would indeed be a very young couple."

"Very young? That's nice. I think I might like Vulcan after all." She settled down next to him and closed her eyes again, this time she felt very content.

"I think you will not like some aspects of it. Though we are married, and you are technically a matriarch, you are still quite young measured in Vulcan years and will be treated as a child by some of the older Vulcans who view all humans as immature. I believe you opined that we view you like pets?"

"I'd like to see them try it," she said getting her dander up. After a moment of silence, she said, "Spock thank you. For my memories, my life, for everything."

"Your gratitude is quite unnecessary. It was my duty and my honor to heal you if I was able. I could not live with myself otherwise. It is I who am grateful to you for not rejecting me after the way I've treated you."

"I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to lose you, and I still don't want to. I didn't want to give you up even when I wasn't ready to accept you one hundred percent. Seeing you with Leila sort of pushed me over the edge."

"I must attempt to thank Leila then. Perhaps we shall name our firstborn after her," Spock teased.

"Oh, hell no!" Nyota said. She rose up to straddle Spock and pinned him down to the bed. "Do not even joke about such things." She warned him.

"I do not joke," he said, taking umbrage at her inference.

"How about you don't talk about other women while in bed with me, hmm?"

"Agreed." Spock kissed her lips and assured her that she had him as long as she wanted one hundred percent.

Note: Lieutenant Boma was the douche who was insubordinate to Spock in The Galileo Seven episode. I need to write a story just to abuse him :-)