"I'm all alone

xitim kowl solo

I'm all alone

oui mi sif kawl solo"

Belter Song, The Expanse

I wish I could post a link to this song on YouTube. This song is so sad but I imagine Kirk listening to it as he sits alone in his cabin at night thinking about his bleak future.

Inconvenient Truths

Captain James T. Kirk was a simple man. He had wanted to be in the space force and join Starfleet since he was a young boy when he and his brother were rescued by a starship from the Tarsus IV colony.

The scrawny kid who had nearly starved to death had worked hard, studied every book he could get about Starfleet, exercised daily, and trained in self-defense to achieve one goal. With the help of some friends of his father, he made it into the academy on his first attempt.

He didn't stop once he got into the academy, either. He was always at or near the top of his classes and during those early days, if you saw James Kirk on the campus you saw him with a DataPadd in his hand, studying in the library, or somewhere practicing. He had forsaken all the partying and wild antics that went along with being an upperclassman at the academy and instead took internships every chance he got. That was how he got assigned to the best ships. That was how he became the youngest captain in the fleet.

He had sacrificed everything so that he could travel among the stars, and explore strange worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and go where no one human had ever gone before. He did not do all that just to be a glorified ferry captain shuttling spoiled diplomats to conferences, delivering vaccines to stranded outposts, and most especially escorting two of his sick crewmen to Vulcan for an antidote.

Though he cared about Spock deeply, this wasn't a job for a starship. He wasn't running an ambulance service or a medical ship. He was a starship captain, damn it! He slapped his hand on the armrest of his chair and then caught himself. He needed to remain calm. They didn't know what set off Spock's empathic incidents, and he was taking no chances, especially since Spock had always been so in sync with him.

He spun his chair around to the back of the bridge. His first officer and head of communications were missing from their post, and in their place were Lieutenant Arex and Lieutenant M'Ress. Fine officers in their own right, but not his top officers, not his friends.

Somehow things had ended up just as he had feared. The fear that he would lose Spock and Uhura to their relationship had come to fruition. Bones had tried to tell him that all this was just temporary while they were ill, but Kirk knew better. Even when Spock and Uhura were cured, things would never be the same. Things hadn't been the same since their bonding on Vulcan. Things would only get worse as far as Kirk was concerned. The five-year mission was almost over and the ship would be drydocked for repairs and upgrades in just a few months. In that time, who knew what would happen next?

Already nearly half the crew that had started out with him when he took command of the Enterprise had changed. Some crew had been promoted or transferred off ship, some had married and retired from service to start families, and of course, some had perished during one misfortunate event or the other. Life on a starship was constantly changing, but during the five years on this deep space mission, Kirk's one constant was his main bridge crew comprising Uhura, Spock, and Sulu. And of course, his best friend and chief medical officer Bones had been there from the start as well. But Kirk had an eerie feeling that when the ship docked and the gang took their leave, they would go their separate ways forever. That feeling of foreboding, of dying all by himself in the vastness of space just wouldn't leave him alone.

And the premonition was coming true even before the mission ended with his two officers out of commission. Kirk jumped from his seat. "Mr. Sulu, take over. I'm heading down to sickbay."

"Aye Captain." Sulu's rich baritone voice responded, and the rest of the bridge crew went about their duties without remark.

Kirk headed for the lift while Sulu took the chair. As the lift doors closed Kirk couldn't help but think that Sulu actually looked good in the seat of command. No doubt Sulu would be a captain in his own right one day soon. It was just a matter of time before he lost another excellent officer.

*/*/*

"Well, well, well, look who it is. Are you haunting the sickbay or something? I usually have to trick you to come down for a physical and now you're in here practically every day," Bones said when he spotted Jim entering his office.

Kirk plopped down in the seat across from McCoy's desk. "Bones, you say you can cure a rainy day but what have you got for the blues?" he asked, only half-joking.

"The blues?" McCoy's eyebrows rose high on his forehead. "Jim, in all the years I've known you, I don't think I've ever heard you say you were blue or depressed. Oh, sure I've seen you grieve for the loss of your family, I've seen you self-doubt when a crew member was killed, and I've even seen you angry and obsessed with something but I've never seen you truly sad. What's wrong?" Bones asked with genuine concern. "No, never mind, let me guess. Spock and Uhura?"

"You guessed it in one, Bones." Jim let out an exhausted sigh.

"Jim, what is going on with you lately? I already told you they will be A-OK once we get Spock the antidote."

"Are you sure Bones? What about Uhura? Are you sure the virus is the cause of all this drama with her too? Am I being foolish to worry? Or could it be that Spock is projecting his emotions onto me right now?"

"Jim, you know I can't tell you that. There is no way to know what emotions Spock is feeling, when he's feeling them, or if he is projecting them onto others. And you know Spock has no control over this virus, it's not his fault. All we can do is hope they will both be fine once Spock has the treatment. He just got sick, Jim. People get sick, even Vulcans."

"Bones, they didn't just get sick. They got sick on my watch. This happened because they got married to each other. I should have never let it happen." Kirk said for the dozenth time. He was beginning to sound like a broken record tape to McCoy.

"Jim, I've told you already. You had no control over who Spock married. He had to marry, and who he married was his own choice."

"Was it, Bones? Spock was not in his right mind when he took Uhura from the ship, and I'm starting to think she wasn't in her right mind when she agreed to marry him. A contract made under duress can be challenged in court," Jim said, thinking out loud.

"What court? Jim, you're talking crazy. Uhura decided for herself and you were there. Besides, those two have been flirting with each other for years. I remember when Spock was possessed by that Medusan Ambassador, Kollos. Remember how he started reciting poetry to Uhura, I should have guessed then what was up with him. Jim, you couldn't have stopped them from marrying if you tried. And if you had tried, we might not be having this conversation with you in one piece."

"Well, I didn't try. I actually encouraged them, and now look." Kirk said in frustration.

"Jim, if you had interfered, you would have lost Spock anyway. He had to marry or he would have died."

"We could have fought again, Bones. Or why couldn't Spock's parents find him somebody else like T'Pring? A nice Vulcan girl he could bring along with him back to the ship. Or better yet, leave her on Vulcan and visit her when he needed to? Why did he have to kidnap Uhura!"

"Jim, what the hell are you talking about?" McCoy sounded completely scandalized by what the Captain was saying. "Nyota doesn't belong to you and neither does Spock. They are your friends, and they are in trouble right now. You should be focusing on how we can help them instead of feeling sorry for yourself."

Kirk calmed down and even managed to look both sad and chastened at the same time, which caused McCoy to soften his position. "Look, Jim. I think I understand where you are coming from. You've lost your family, and you have spent most of your life in service to Starfleet. These people, the crew you work with day in and day out, become your family and you don't want to lose them. I get it. I joined Starfleet for much the same reason as you, I think. It was the only choice left after I lost my wife. I didn't have anywhere to go and no one to care for back on Earth. So I joined up." McCoy said with a wistful smile.

"Imagine a guy like me, an old country doctor afraid of the transporter and prone to space sickness volunteering to join a starship. But it was the best decision I could have made. I have made some wonderful lifelong friends, I've made scientific discoveries I never would have dreamed of back on Earth, I've seen things I'll never be able to even describe to anyone besides the crewmen who were with me when I saw it. By god, I've lived! And if I should die tomorrow, I'll have few regrets."

"Few regrets, not no regrets?" Jim asked, intrigued by Bones' story.

"I'll regret it if I don't see my daughter again. And I'd like to see Natira again and figure out if there is anything left between us," he said softly.

Jim didn't say anything more after that. He and Bones shared a few drinks in silence, and then he left to return to his quarters. His visit to the good doctor actually made his mood worse. Bones may not have realized it, but he just rubbed it in Jim's face that he has someone out there waiting for him. He had a daughter and a young wife that he could reconnect with when the mission was over, while Kirk had nothing and no one waiting for him.

It looked like his worst fear would come to pass. He really was going to die all alone in space.

Note:

I could never find a definitive answer on how Kirk's parents died, so I assume they died at the hands of Kodos the Executioner. Since my story is based mostly on TOS and The Animated Series which never mentions his parents, my guess is as good as any.