Why do we give up our hearts to the past?
- Eagles, "Pretty Maids All In A Row"
2
Gray stepped inside his room to slap the alarm off. He didn't want it to rouse Erza. It was three minutes to four and she wouldn't appreciate being awoken so early. It was important to recover from the journey, too.
There were three bedrooms in the cabin – two with attached bathrooms, and a smaller one without. This last one he'd converted into his gym. Not that it was impressive. All it had was a punching bag and a wooden pull-up bar he'd made himself. Its height was adjustable, so he could use the bar to do sit-ups and crunches as well. It served his purposes.
As he went in for his morning workout, towel slung over a shoulder, Gray felt a little sleepy. His routine demanded that he get up before everybody else and finish his exercises by five-thirty. That way, he didn't disturb anybody. But after a night of about three hours of sleep, it was hard.
Quit your whining, he chastised himself as he picked up the skipping rope. You can't just stop because it's hard. Heh. That's what she said.
He rather liked working the skipping rope. It was fun. There was a rhythm. Left-left, right-right. It was an easy tool for warming up. Usually, he did it for five minutes. He swiped it side to side and even crisscrossed his hands. Once his body had freed up, he did lunges on the way down, too. He took a thirty second break before moving on to the next drill: shadow boxing.
For the next thirty seconds, he worked an imaginary opponent. He threw in elbows, knees, kicks, headbutts and sprawls. He darted in and dashed out. Created angles. Made sure to move his head laterally. Once the time was up, he immediately moved on to burpees. Thirty seconds, all he could do. Jump, squat, push-up. Rinse and repeat. After that, he went back to shadow boxing. Another thirty seconds.
By then, his legs had started burning. Gray didn't mind. If your muscles burn, you're doing something good. Excellent advice. After some more shadow boxing, he dropped to the ground for a half minute of push-ups, followed by some rest.
The whole circuit took him three minutes. He moved on to the pull-up bar after completing five sets.
Pull-ups were fun, too. He took it slow, put his back into it. Pulled himself up, held the position, then slid his body all the way to left and then to the right. The longer you take to do one, the longer you'll be able to hold your muscles at tension. You'll be stronger. He usually did about ten per minute, letting himself hang a while before resuming.
After five minutes of that, he swung his legs up and wrapped them around the bar. After tightening his legs as much as he could, he hung upside-down for a moment or two before crunching up. It'll decompress and stretch your spine. You do a lot of squats, so it'll help. Gray just liked hanging upside down. It was pretty nice.
The real fun came after all that: the bag.
Five rounds of five minutes, with a minute to rest after each. The bag was his friend, so he went at it without mercy. Be careful you use half your power. Don't hurt yourself. He listened, most of the time. Other times, he got too worked up to care.
Gray decided to forgo using his knuckles. After yesterday, he didn't want to damage them again. Instead, he punched with the heel of his palm. Open hand strikes. Jabs, crosses, hooks, overhands, uppercuts. Kicks. Straight, round. Elbows, hammerfists. Straight knees, jumping knees. Clinching.
He inhaled through his nose and exhaled sharply, breathing with every strike. Kept his guard up, changed stances. Went high, went low. Feints. Slips. Bobbing and weaving. Creating angles. He hit the bag with everything he had, everything he knew. You have to get the poison out of your system. Better the bag than other people.
So much anger. Not enough time.
Not enough. Never enough.
Holding the bag with his forearms, he pushed it away to create distance. You control their movement. You control the pace. Then he pulled it in, jumped off his right foot, pushed his hips out and drove his knee in.
More.
Releasing the bag, he let it swing away from him. His upper body was leaning back, his hips thrust out. His shoulders, pulled back, were loaded and ready to fly.
Gray let instinct take over.
He placed his right foot forward, putting his weight on the ball of his foot. His left hand shot out like a cannonball while his left foot pushed off the ground. The bag was swinging back, towards him. Into his fist. All the momentum in the world. A sure knock out.
But the clock in his head ran out of time.
Opening up his fist, Gray stopped the bag with his palm. His body shut down immediately. One minute rest.
The pants came then. As long as he was in the swing of things, Gray seldom felt the fatigue, the fire in his muscles. Every time he sat down, though, it took a little bit more willpower to get up. But, his routine for the morning was done. The last fifteen minutes were for stretching and cooling down. Usually, he did it religiously. Sometimes, he skipped. Like yesterday. So he decided to make up for it.
No trains to catch today.
As he lowered himself into a full split, Gray had to smile. The source of most his stress yesterday was, hopefully, still fast asleep in her room. And the day had been stressful. It involved a lot of travel on her part and Gray didn't want to overburden her. Then again, she was Titania. She always did what she said she would. He'd never asked for her to come down. She did it because she wanted to. There was no thank you big enough for that.
Gray pressed his chest flat against his thigh, his nose to his knee, and touched his toes. One leg, then the other. He then put the soles of his feet together, his legs flat against the ground and sat straight. It worked out the kinks in his thighs. He controlled and slowed his breathing down. Relief spreading over his body, he stretched his triceps, holding his bent elbows behind his head one after the other.
For the last few minutes, he just lay down and meditated. Keep your back straight, relax your posture, and breathe gently. It did wonders for his disquiet mind. Prepared him for the day.
Remember, Gray, an angry mind is a narrow mind. If you're angry, you're not thinking. Ice magic is all about thinking. It's about structure. Lattice. It's not a chaotic explosion. You have to control it. Don't let it control you. Stay cool. And above all, think.
Oh, how he missed that woman. Ul was more than a teacher or a mentor. Gray sometimes thought she had the secret to life all figured out. If only I had more time… if only.
Heaving a deep sigh, he rose to his feet and towelled away whatever little sweat hadn't already dried off. Then he stepped outside. A quick glance told him that it was a quarter past five. Perfect. Erza was nowhere to be seen, either. Even better. He could actually cook her something, then.
Happy that he could do that much for her, Gray didn't waste much time in the bathroom. His good spirits, however, came crashing down when he left his room to find Erza at the stove. She smiled at him over her shoulder.
"Good morning, Gray. Coffee's on the table. No milk and sugar for you, as you like it." He came and stood beside her, frowning. "How you drink it, I don't know."
"Right back at your cake-philia. When'd you wake up even?"
"Ten minutes ago."
"You're up way too early."
"It's five-thirty. I overslept by a full half hour." She was applying jam to pieces of bread while making tea for herself. Heh. Typical. "You should have woken me."
"You were tired."
"Oh, it's fine. I slept early. Eight and a half hours is too much." She looked around, searching for something. "What about you? Did you sleep well?"
"Ehh." Glancing at the pot, he noticed the problem and handed her the milk. It was the least he could do. "I slept."
Erza hummed, but didn't ask. Gray picked up the coffee mug, leant back against the counter and watched her work. Never in his life had he thought he'd be able to share kitchen space with her. His little mountain cabin had changed that.
She's so domestic. It's adorable.
Like everything else she did, Erza pursued perfection in her tea as well. She didn't even look like she'd crawled out of bed ten minutes ago. Her hair was neatly brushed, and she smelt faintly of strawberries. How she managed to be so well groomed in ten minutes, he didn't know.
"Breakfast is ready," she said and carried and carried the tray of jam toasts to the table. Then she sat down, sipped her tea, closed her eyes, and hummed happily. "I've missed this."
She drank tea twice a day – once in the morning, and again in the evening. Like clockwork. It was a sickness. Gray opened an overhead cupboard and brought out the tin of biscuits. He picked out four and handed them to her. "Here."
"Why, thank you. Won't you sit?"
"Mhmm." He picked up a slice of bread and bit down. "Thanks. Though I wanted to cook you something."
"You cook every day, Gray. You won't as long as I am here."
Gray swallowed. That was oddly touching. Her smile only made it worse. "So, uhh, whaddaya wanna do today?"
"Nothing." She dipped the biscuits in her tea and ate them fast. Didn't want them to break off and fall in. "I just want to talk."
"What about?"
"You. You're obviously doing well. The people like you. You exercise, go out, eat properly." She picked up a piece of toast. "I was afraid you'd turn into a recluse."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing."
She chuckled. "I'm glad you proved me wrong." But then she set the toast down and leant forward. "But are you okay, Gray? I know yesterday was tough for you."
Ahh. Right.
"It wasn't any harder than usual, I guess," he replied after some thought. "I mean, it's never easy. You know? But it gets easier. You being here helps." He offered a smile. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it." She reached out and patted his hand before returning to her tea. "It's good to see you doing so well for yourself."
"What about you? How're things back there?"
Erza made a so-so motion with her hand. "As usual." Then she hummed. "Better, I should say."
"Oh?"
"Laxus made several changes in the past couple of years. Mostly in ROE. I think it's made us… less destructive. We don't have to pay for damages as much."
ROE stood for Rules of Engagement. What with all the property damage the mages of Fairy Tail had incurred, a revision in policy was a good idea. Of all people, Laxus was the best suited to keep the others in line.
"Heh." Gray raised his mug to his lips. "That's always good news. No resistance?"
With a roll of her eyes, Erza asked, "What do you think?"
Gray snorted. "Say no more."
"Mhmm. You'd approve, I think."
He didn't reply, instead taking refuge in his bread and coffee. Erza didn't push it, either. Her objective had been to lodge the thought in his head. And she knew she'd succeeded.
After making short work of breakfast, she carried the tray over to the sink. "I see you washed last night's dishes."
"Oh. Yeah. I do that before going to bed."
"Very responsible of you, Gray. I approve."
Sitting at the table, Gray watched her bustle about the kitchen. His kitchen. Erza tended to take over wherever she went. But now, seeing her hijack his house, it almost felt like they were a married cou-
No. Bad. Stop this. Right now.
"What about, uh, what about you?" he asked. "What's new with you? Got anything exciting in the works?"
Small talk had never been his area of expertise, but he still wanted to know. Erza had a penchant for getting into some crazy shit. Another major sickness.
"Hmm. I suppose I do, yes." A pause. "And I need your advice for it, Gray."
Her? Needing his advice? That was curious.
"Sure, if I can help," he offered uncertainly. "What is it?"
Having washed and dried off the utensils, Erza put them in their place and came back. She placed her elbows on the table, interwove her fingers, looked straight at him, and said, "I am going to the South Pole."
Gray stared at her. "A quest?"
She nodded. "An exploratory expedition. The objective is to set up the first permanent, all-weather research station."
After considering this for a few seconds, Gray whistled. "That's… wow. That's big."
"It is. Fairy Tail, being the top guild of Fiore, was the natural choice for this undertaking."
"I believe it. But nobody's nuts enough to send you there alone." Gray put his left arm over the backrest of the chair. "You need someone with medical experience. So, Wendy's going. It's the Pole, so Natsu's going, too. Are you taking Lucy with you?"
"I am, yes."
"Heh. The old team back together again, huh?"
She smiled wistfully. "Yes."
"Anyway," he hurried on, "what d'you need from me?"
"Well, seeing as how you are an ice mage, I was hoping you could give me some advice."
"Yeah, sure, but when is this? Details, please."
"We were given this quest two years ago. We spent the past couple of years preparing. They wouldn't let us go without us having some polar experience."
Gray nodded. "You went north."
"That we did. I know that the North Pole is very different to the South Pole, but it was good practice."
Earthland's North Pole was a frozen landmass completely devoid of life. It wasn't too big, maybe a little more than twice the size of Fiore. The South Pole was a very different beast altogether.
"Okay." Gray hummed. "Okay. That's good. So, when d'you go? You've been preparing a while."
"Next month."
"Shit, Erza." His gut clenched. "You couldn't have told me sooner?"
"They're going to announce it next week to the public. I was contractually obligated to not disclose anything to anyone outside the guild. We all were. We didn't want other nations to get wind of this." She shrugged. "But they are going to announce this publicly within the week, so now I can tell people. And you're the first person I decided to tell."
"Ahh." Gray rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "But still… it's not a race…"
"Gray, the South Pole is the only place left on Earthland that doesn't have a complete map. It's the last unknown frontier!" Her eyes gleamed with unbridled passion. "Imagine! Exploring that is an honour and a privilege! How many people get the chance to do something this important? And if I can be among the first to do something like that? It's the chance of a lifetime."
She was certainly excited. That much was evident. Gray sighed. Erza being excited about flattening challenges was nothing new. Still…
"You've had two years to prepare. What advice can I give you?"
"Equipment," she answered immediately. "In all our trips north, we had a few issues. Chiefly, whenever we woke up, the inside of our sleeping bag had moisture. It was not nice. Same issue with our anoraks. We work up a sweat all day and that hinders everything."
"The simple solution is to carry a fuckton of sleeping bags and parkas, but I'm assuming you want an answer more sophisticated than that."
"Please."
"All right. Make sure your sleeping bags have both an outer and inner vapour barrier. You probably only had an outer vapour barrier to keep the cold out. Body sweat wets the inside of the bag. Then you risk frostnip. It's not nice."
Erza pulled out a notepad and a pen and scribbled it down. "And the anoraks? Is it the same with them?"
"Not exactly. You got weatherproof ones, right?" Erza nodded. "That's why. Proofed parkas will protect you, but make you sweaty, wet and cold. Unproofed ones allow sweat to escape and let your skin breathe."
"So we should get unproofed ones instead?"
"Get one of each. There's a kinda parka made of loosely woven cotton that protects you from the wind when dry. Lets your body breathe and avoids sweat condensation. You can wear that when you're out doing axe work." He paused a bit. "You know the native tribes that live a little north of here?"
"Yes?"
"I know 'em. There's this seamstress called Emilie. She can make you sealskin parkas. Weatherproof and fur lined. I got one made for Luca. It'll come in handy when you're out working. It'll take her about a month, but I can assure you on quality. She'll charge a steep price, though. They need it to survive."
Erza nodded. "Understandable. Money is not a problem."
"Must be a great sponsor. Who is it?"
"Hisui E. Fiore."
Gray raised his eyebrows. "The goddamn Queen of Fiore is your sponsor?"
"She wants development for the country. I cannot fault her for it."
"Yeah, neither do I, but still. Wow. That's a lotta money."
"Mhmm." She sounded rather pleased with herself. "Hence me assuring you that funds are not a problem."
"Yeah, well," he hesitated, "if you want, I can take you up there tomorrow. You can talk it out. You know all their sizes?"
"I do."
"Good." Gray drummed the tabletop with his fingers. "You thought about routes? What's the plan?"
"I am glad you asked. I could use your advice in that regard as well." Erza got up from the chair across from him and took the one to his right, pulling it up close to him. Gray edged away a little. "We've spoken about routes, yes. Airships don't go around the poles due to strong winds. And unless it's a lacrima powered vessel, it'll be useless for transport. We tried using a sailing ship. The sails and ropes all froze solid."
"Not surprised."
Erza conjured up a map of the South Pole and the oceans surrounding it and spread it over the table. "We're setting sail from Hargeon Town." She pointed. "From there, it's straight shot down. The ship is named the Miraculous, and she's a reputed ice-breaker. She was used for polar exploration twice before. She's used to the waters."
"Okay. Where d'you make land?"
"Here." She pointed and Gray leaned in. "There's an inlet from the Igmundsson Sea. We'll disembark and carry on from foot there."
"You're going during winter. Gonna sit it out?"
"Yes. Levy came up with an ingenious design." She smiled up at him. Gray felt his breath catch. "It's a cardboard box."
"A… a what, now?"
"A cardboard box," Erza repeated indulgently. "One for each of us. It's shaped like a hut. We'll place it in the snow, and the snowdrift will cover its outer shells-"
"-insulating you from the cold." Gray chuckled. "That really is pretty smart."
"Mhmm." Erza's smile widened. "I told you."
He glanced down to smile back at her, to tell her she was right. Instead, his eyes fell upon hers and he stopped. They were so warm… and arresting… aglitter with excitement and happiness. Gray realised only a few seconds later that he hadn't said a word.
When he opened his mouth to speak, he noticed her eyes flit down to his lips. That close, he was pretty sure she could feel the heat radiating off his cheeks. Gray closed his mouth.
OhnoohnoohnoohnopleasehelpwhatdoIdoadistractionpleasesomethinganythingIcan't-
Her lips parted. He saw her mouth form shapes. His name. "Gray?"
With a gulp, Gray replied, "Uhh."
"What is it?"
She sounded a bit worried. A little breathless. Her voice was soft, gentle. It was… a fantastic sound.
But fortunately, he didn't have to answer. Like a delayed answer to his prayers, the front door was kicked open and in stepped a hooded figure, covered in snow.
"Hot damn, it's cold out! Why do we live on a mountain? I froze my stubble off! D'you know how long I waited for that damn stubble? Years!" Pulling back the hood, the boy grabbed a brush from atop the shoe cabinet and swiped away the snow from his parka. "My face feels like a goddamn snowcone! But hey, guess what, Gray? I saw two reindeer bangi-oh." He looked up, noticing Gray and Erza, and his cheeks coloured a bit. "Uhh. Heya, Auntie Erza. How, uh, how you doin'? You two, uh, busy?"
Thanking whatever gods heard his plea, Gray chuckled and leaned away from Erza. "You'll need brushes too. Wipe off the snow before you enter the tent. As many brushes as there are people. No sharing." Then he turned to the boy. "Luca, we've been expecting you."
Luca, a sunny-haired lad of sixteen, frowned slightly at that. "Yes. Literally everyone down at the village felt personally responsible for letting me know." He pulled off his parka and came into the kitchen. "What's up?" Then he spotted the map. "Are we planning a holiday?"
"No," Gray replied. "But she is."
With a laugh, Erza waved the boy over. "That can wait. Let me have a look at you first. Have you gotten taller?"
"Just a little bit. I hung from trees!"
"Mmm. Impressive. How's your training going?"
"Ehh." Luca made a so-so motion with his hand before taking a seat. "A bit of this, a bit of that. More importantly, did you get me anything?"
As Erza pulled out tin after tin of chocolates for a squealing Luca, Gray silently got up and went into his room. He pulled out his phone from the top drawer in his nightstand and turned it on. As it booted up, he took out a packet of cigarettes and a matchbox and sat down on the edge of the bed. He picked out a single cigarette and tossed the pack back into the drawer. Then he picked up his phone and dialled a number.
Holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder, Gray pinched the cigarette between his lips and lit a match. After lighting his cigarette, he shook out the flame and tossed the match into the dustbin. He got up, dropped the matchbox into the drawer, closed it with his foot, went up to the window and opened it before exhaling.
All the while, the phone kept ringing. Once it disconnected, Gray dialled again. He watched the smoke from his mouth vanish into the darkness outside. He was sure Erza would smell it on him afterwards, but this counted as an emergency.
On the third try, there was a click and a sleepy voice slurred something incomprehensible into his ear. Gray took a deep breath.
"Hello," he said.
"It's four in the morning, you bitch," Cana returned, sounding a little more awake. "Whaddaya want?"
Gray wasted no time. "Erza's going to the South Pole."
Silence. Then a sigh. "She told you, huh."
"Yeah."
"You smoking?"
His cigarette was half gone. "Yeah."
"How many?"
"Just the one. She told me ten minutes ago."
"Right." She moaned, and he heard her bed creak. "Okay. What's up?"
"Did you know?"
"Yeah. I was under-"
"I know. I'm not mad about that, don't worry." He took another puff. "Are they ready? If I ask her, I know what she'll say. So I'm asking you."
Cana sighed again. "Gray…"
"Cana, if they're not, I'm going with them," he said resolutely. "Past be damned. So I need to know."
Another sigh. "Okay," she cleared her throat. "Okay. I think they're ready. I've seen them train for this for two years. Lyon helped out too."
Gray nodded to himself. "Good."
"Lyon said that two years of experience isn't exactly the best, resume wise, but he greenlit it. He's satisfied with their ability."
Pulling out the drawer again, Gray crushed down the cigarette butt into the ashtray.
"Okay," he breathed. "Okay. Thanks, Cana."
"You okay?"
"Still digesting it. I will be."
"All right. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"I know. Don't be." You have your loyalties. "I understand. I'm sorry for waking you up. Try to go back to sleep."
"Will do. Talk soon?"
"Yeah. Bye."
"Bye."
After disconnecting, Gray turned off the phone, put it into the drawer and shut it for good. He washed his face, rinsed his mouth, and pulled on his white coat. It was well past six now. The village would be abuzz. Didn't make sense to waste time.
Gray, after popping a mint, stepped outside his room and saw Luca devouring the chocolates like there would be no tomorrow and explaining something to Erza with frantic gesticulations, who sat listening with a smile on her face.
"You, go easy on the chocolates," Gray told his student, getting a raspberry in return. "I'm serious. You're gonna hafta make 'em last until she can bring you more." He paused. "Which won't be for at least a year and a half."
Watching Luca choke on his chocolate was most satisfying.
"Whaaaat?!" the boy wailed, turning to Erza. "Say it ain't so!"
Erza smiled gently. "I'm afraid your master is telling the truth, Luca."
"But who's gonna feed my sweet tooth?! Him?!" He pointed at Gray. "He'll die if he sucks on a lollipop! Sometimes I think he's not human. Boy, am I glad you never married him. On second thoughts, you should marry him. At least then maybe I'll get a steady supply of sweet stuff."
"Oh, Luca, I'm afraid Gray's taste buds are forever malformed," Erza said, laughing. "He has always been this way." She glanced at him and smiled. "And always will be."
"Exactly! I have to live with that!"
"My most sincere condolences."
"What a lark," Gray said drily, frowning at them both. "We're going down to the village. Luca can have breakfast there."
Gray was already dressed, and all Luca needed to do was slip on his parka. Erza merely requipped into appropriate clothing and they were off before long. Luca peppered Erza with questions on the way down, and she answered each one.
"But why go next month? It's the dead of winter!"
"Down there, it's winter for eight months out of twelve. We can only work during the four months of summer. If we set sail in summer, we'll lose valuable time. Thus, we go there in winter, settle down, get used to the cold, and work in the summer months, hopefully finish our work, and come back."
"Still, that sounds awful. Gray?" Luca called ahead. "How cold will it be in the South Pole in winter?"
"Minus fifty degrees," Gray replied over his shoulder. "Wind speeds exceeding ninety knots. Chill factor would be around minus eighty-four degrees."
"We have 240 days of that to look forward to," came Erza's voice. She was smiling. He could tell. "That too without sunlight."
"Yeesh. That sucks."
Gray silently agreed as he walked in front of them. It did suck. Dry flesh froze in sixty seconds at minus twenty-nine degree temperatures and nineteen knot winds. Erza's crew would be facing way, way, way worse. He didn't like it.
But I can't stop her.
That was how it had always been. Erza did what Erza wanted. That's why she had his respect.
"Heidi!" Luca cried as soon as he entered the inn, startling absolutely nobody but the girl herself, and ran up to envelop her in a tight hug. "Auntie Erza's going away for years and taking my sweets with her!" He kissed her cheek. "But I've got you, so I'll be okay."
"Luca!" Heidi screeched, her face about as red as it could get, but the boy only kissed her again.
"So sweet."
Poor girl, Gray thought and walked up to Helgi, the innkeeper. "Morning. You feeling okay?"
"I am," she replied. The morning rush had all but died, so she could take it easy for a bit before lunchtime approached. "It's ready for today."
"Good. Keep it under wraps till evening."
She nodded and jerked her chin at Erza, who hovered at his elbow. "It's for her?"
"Yeah, and I want to talk about her. Erza wanted to cook for the whole village today."
Helgi raised a pleased eyebrow. "Does she?"
"Yeah, so I was wondering whether she could borrow the inn's kitchen this evening?"
"Of course she can! As long as we help."
Erza had no objection to that, so the matter was settled. Gray then took a seat at a table where Heidi was taking Luca's order.
"Can you feed me?" Luca asked. Heidi coloured immediately. "It's been a while. I've missed you."
"I missed you too," she replied quietly, a smile tugging at her mouth, but shook her head. "But it's against policy to feed customers."
"Even if the customer is your boyfriend?"
"Ummm. Yes."
"Luca, stop hitting on her in front of her mother," Gray groaned. "Have some class."
"Hey, I'm your student. How much class can I have?"
Erza laughed politely while Heidi slapped Luca's shoulder, asking him to be more respectful. Gray shook his head and sighed.
Kids, I swear.
"Were you on a quest, Luca?" Erza asked while Heidi served him the food. "I seldom see you away from home."
"Yeah," the boy replied. "Gray lets me go places now."
"Wonderful. And what was your quest about?"
"Well, I'll tell you! Heidi, I haven't told you either, right? Sit down, I'll tell you too. Okay, so this old dude in a village a few miles away was having some deer trouble, right?"
Gray, knowing exactly what was coming, tuned out the rest. Luca had a gift for telling stories. He could become a great bard, if he felt inclined to pursue the career. He could make even a quest about chasing reindeer off a man's property sound epic. It was a rare talent.
His mind wandered back to the polar expedition. Lyon knew his shit when it came to the cold. If he had given the expedition his blessing, then there was no reason to mistrust it. But the nagging sensation persisted in his gut. Whether it was fear or worry Gray didn't know, but it didn't ease his mind.
"You smoked."
Her voice was low, and she kept her eyes on Luca, but the words still brought Gray out of his thoughts. He hummed in response, but didn't turn towards her.
"I didn't realise you still smoked."
"Only when I'm anxious."
It was a shameless admission. Why bother denying it? He knew she'd smell it on him soon enough. He'd been prepared. What caught Gray unawares was when Erza grasped his hand under the table and squeezed tenderly. It was so gentle, so intimate, that his breath left him in a quiet gasp.
"I'm sorry," she whispered and let go of his hand. "But don't be worried. It'll be fine."
"I'm sure."
Luca's attention was focused solely on Heidi by then, who'd sat down beside him and listened to his story with a smile. Gray glanced at Erza, only to find her nodding along to Luca's blabbering. He quietly pocketed his hands.
"So, yeah, that's how I shooed away the reindeer," Luca finished both his story and his breakfast simultaneously before rounding upon Gray. "So, what's the plan for today?"
Gray shrugged. "I dunno. Whaddaya wanna do? Rest?"
"Hell no! I was bored outta my mind chasing reindeer for a week!" Luca grinned at Erza. "I wanna train with you! If you're gonna go away for a few years, I might as well get some work in."
Feeling his gut clench at the words, Gray sank down a bit lower in his seat. Why does he hafta keep saying that? It was annoying, how annoying it was to him.
Erza laughed at the boy's declaration. "Are you certain?"
"Yeah, why not? I don't get to use weapons a heck of a whole lot." Luca shrugged. "It's why I look forward to you dropping by every time."
"Aww." Erza's eyes softened, her bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. Gray rolled his eyes. She was affected way too easily. "That is very sweet, Luca." She rose to her feet. "I shall do my best to make up for the time we'll spend apart."
"Damn straight!" Luca rose too, eyes alight with determination. "This'll be great!"
And great it was. Gray didn't know whether it was what Luca had imagined, but watching Erza demolish the boy at sparring was spectacular to behold. For six or so hours, she continually beat the little twerp into the snow. To Luca's credit, he always kept coming back for more. He even got past a few of Erza's attacks to launch some of his own, but nobody could touch Titania in swordplay.
"Don't cross your feet, Luca. It's why you trip so much."
"Right, right."
"And step in more aggressively for your lunges. You have to commit to everything, especially the feints. If you don't believe you can do it, your opponent definitely won't."
"I'm trying!"
Cheek in hand, Gray sat on the front porch of his cabin, watching the two go at it with a smile. It was true, what Luca had said. Erza showed up for a few days at least two or three times a year. It was a short holiday for her, but it meant a break in monotony for Luca. He looked forward to his Auntie Erza's visits. Gray wondered how the boy would cope with her absence.
After two more rounds of watching Luca get his ass beat, Gray clapped his hands and stopped the massacre.
"You two might wanna stop for lunch," he said decisively. "Put the swords away. It's afternoon."
"How can you tell the time in this perpetual gloom?" Erza muttered as Luca handed her his practice sword. "That too outdoors?"
"Yeah? How can you spar for hours on end and not keep track of time in your head?" Gray threw back, unimpressed. "Get some rest." Luca opened his mouth. "Both of you. Heidi's going to bring your food up. I knew this would happen, so I asked her to." He shook his head. "Children, I swear. I'm dealing with children."
That his girlfriend would be stopping by made Luca cease all complaints and he went inside happily. Erza followed him in, but held the door open for Gray.
"I'm glad I sparred for so long. I hadn't in a while," she confessed and closed the door behind him. "We have all been too preoccupied about-"
"Yeah. I know." Gray tossed her a bottle of water from the kitchen counter. "I know. Otherwise, I woulda stopped you sooner."
Erza hummed and took a long gulp from the bottle. She requipped back into her morning clothes and came up to the counter.
"Don't worry," she told him lightly.
"You know I will," he replied.
"I know you will. And it means a lot to me. But some things…" she hesitated and looked away, rubbing her arm. "Some things you just have to do."
"Have to?"
"Yes," she replied with a nod but said nothing else.
Gray sighed. "Okay."
Erza waited a beat before turning the other way and jerking her chin in the direction Luca had gone. "Where is he?"
"Attic. He calls that his 'lair.'" Gray shrugged. "I dunno. I don't go up there."
"He sleeps there?"
"Insisted. I made him a bed."
Her eyes found his at that and her lips curved into a smile. "You made him a bed."
"Yeah."
"That's very… nice of you."
"Ehh. His shit. He cleans it."
"Mmm. You raised him well."
"Not really." Gray shrugged again. "His mother did most of that."
Erza said nothing to that. Neither did Gray. He stood looking at her from across the counter, stopping his tongue from uttering the words it so desperately wanted to say.
What's the point? Let it go. It's not worth it.
"Hey, Auntie Erza," came Luca's voice as he descended from the attic. "Can you teach me how to, like, change clothes without taking them off? It's so cool how you do that! It'd save me so much time."
Snorting, Gray walked past Erza towards the door. He didn't want to deprive Luca of the Erza Effect. They really liked each other.
Sometimes, a little more than they like me, he thought somewhat sourly and opened the door, startling Heidi who had just lifted her hand to knock.
"Eeek! Oh. Umm."
"Come on in." Gray stood aside. "You'll find your customers at the dinner table."
Ducking her head, Heidi carried the basket of bread, toasted cheese and milk inside. Peter, being the resident goatherd, was usually rewarded in kind with milk products all year. Made running the inn much simpler, Gray was sure.
All through lunch, he stayed as silent as he could. Gray didn't have the heart to talk. His mind was focused on one thing and one thing only. He wanted to talk about the expedition, about every plan and backup, about every bit of training Erza and her team had done. But he wouldn't. Worried as he was, he trusted her, just as he trusted Cana and Lyon. He didn't want to disrespect them, but the situation made his spirits sag lower and lower as the day wore on.
Finally, early in the evening, they went down to Huldsborg and Erza was given command of the inn's kitchen. Gray sat back and watched her summon mountains of supplies from her pocket dimension and go to town on the cooking. It had been a long time since he'd seen olive oil used so liberally. It made him smile.
The villagers all gathered to watch, too. It wasn't every day that a celebrity cooked for them. The scent itself was enough to fill the inn completely. Everyone chattered with everyone else. It was loud and boisterous, but also calming and familial. Gray couldn't help the sigh that escaped him.
This feels like home.
"You gonna tell her?"
"Hmm?" He turned to see Luca taking a seat beside him. "Tell her what?"
"Y'know." Luca shrugged. "Talk about your feelings. Propose and stuff."
"What? No."
"No offense, my dude, but what the fuck? She's gonna be leaving for who knows how long and you're still pussyfooting around?"
Gray shook his head in disbelief. "What's the matter with you?"
"I want her to be your wife, okay?"
"Yeah, no. Don't even think about it."
"Look, I'm just saying. Don't keep her waiting, y'know? She won't stick around forever." He paused. "If she knows how you feel, it'll give her strength to survive the pole and come back stronger, y'know?"
"Fuckin' hell." Gray stared at the boy. "You're sixteen. Worry about growing your stubble."
"Did you have a girlfriend at sixteen? Didn't think so." Luca smirked. "Some things I know better than you. And speaking of which, here comes the food. Fuck me, I've missed authentic Fiorian cuisine!"
Now that, Gray agreed with. Dinner had become a buffet, with Erza serving everyone whatever they wanted. She smiled at one and all, and laughed with the compliments. She seemed happy. Satisfied. Gray sat watching her from his table, content with just that. She would make a good team leader. She looked after everybody. As seriously as she took missions, she also knew that it wasn't as important as the people she was with. With her, the ends never justified the means. The thought lightened the load in his heart just a little bit.
He didn't know whether he'd been staring too long, or whether she was looking for him, but Erza's eyes soon found his. The woman had a habit of doing that. She was always purposeful with everything she did. Firm handshakes and direct eye contact. The latter always unnerved him. The eyes were windows into the soul, or so they said. Being the only visible part of the brain, Gray didn't doubt it. Erza didn't mind people taking a look into her mind. She seldom had anything to hide.
I wish I could say the same.
Her smile softened when she caught his gaze, and she waved him over, asking him to come eat. Gray smiled back involuntarily. Ah, yes. This feels familiar. He pushed himself to his feet and strode up to the counter.
"People like the food," he commented.
Erza grinned. "I'm glad. What'll you be having?"
"Dunno. When're you gonna eat?"
"Not until all the guests are done."
"That'll be a while."
"I don't mind. It's the duty of the hostess, after all."
Gray hummed and leant his elbows on the countertop. "I'll eat with you."
"Gray, no-"
"I want to," he cut her off firmly. "I'll wait."
Erza gave him a long look, but Gray didn't flinch. He'd long since mastered the art of staring down Erza. The trick was not to blink, and he did that by focusing on an object behind her head. It gave off the impression that he was staring right through her. She merely thought he wasn't backing down. Little did she know that had he been looking at her, he would've caved within seconds.
Eventually, she sighed. "Suit yourself."
Gotcha.
So Gray waited. Some people returned for seconds and thirds, Luca included. The crowd started thinning out after that. Everyone still had to wake up early the next day. This was merely a surprise reprieve. Putting their lives on hold for an evening. It awaited them in the morning.
Finally, Erza took a plate for herself when only she, Helgi, Heidi, Peter, Luca and Gray remained at the inn. She chatted about recipes as she ate – Luca translated – while Gray stayed silent. He liked her cooking. She was good at it, and he was certain the polar crew would not go hungry. That was another worry struck off his list.
When he finished, he glanced at Helgi and said, "Okay, it's time."
Grinning widely, the woman went off to the kitchen. Even Heidi couldn't stop her smile. Luca looked around, confused, and found only Erza to share it with.
"What's going on?" the boy asked.
"I have no idea," Erza replied. Then she rounded upon Gray. "What did you do?"
"Why is that always your first question? I feel insulted."
"Clearly you did something."
"Nah. I did nothing." He pointed at Helgi. "She did."
Erza turned just as the older woman pushed out a trolley. On it was a plate, and when Erza saw what was upon it, she dropped her fork.
"You ranked Kvaefjordkake second because it didn't have strawberries," Gray said lightly. "So I had one made with strawberries. I guess you going to the pole is a good enough reason."
Erza turned towards him, mouth hanging open. There were no words with which to describe the unadulterated joy etched onto her face. Enraptured. That came close. She was in rapture of the cake, a little piece of heaven on a plate, coming her way.
He didn't want to interfere. It was her night. Her cake. Some things… he didn't want to be a part of. It felt too much like a farewell party all of a sudden.
"Don't get a sugar high and stay up all night," he told her as he got up. "We're going to see Emilie tomorrow morning. Bright and early, both of you."
Then he took his coat and, before anyone could say a word, slipped out into the darkness.