Dudley Dursley was a perfectly ordinary boy in many ways. He had two parents who loved him. He lived in a three bedroom house in a nice, suburban town. He enjoyed video games and television. What was unusual, was that he was a wizard.

It was the evening in the middle of the summer, June 22 and he was finally doing his history homework, in between watching bits of a horror movie—he wrote his history homework during the boring bits where nobody was getting their head ripped off. There was a large leatherbound book next to him (A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot), a piece of parchment and a big bowl of popcorn.

During a boring, talking scene, he raised the book and read

"Non-magic people (more commonly known as Muggles) were particularly afraid of magic in medieval times, but not very good at recognizing it. On the rare occasion that they did catch a real witch or wizard, burning had no effect whatsoever. The witch or wizard would perform a basic Flame-Freezing Charm and then pretend to shriek with pain while enjoying a gentle, tickling sensation. Indeed, Wendelin the Weird enjoyed being burned so much that she allowed herself to be caught no less than forty-seven times in various disguises."

Dudley grabbed his quill and scrawled a few sentences. He didn't care much about History of Magic—it was the most boring class at Hogwarts, so he didn't care if he passed or failed. His homework for this subject was just a token effort so at least he had something to hand in.

"Good bit coming up, Dudders," Vernon grunted.

Dudley put his homework aside and watched as the werewolf stalked a young woman through a creepy old forest.

A sudden rap at the window made all three of them—Dudley, his father and his mother jump. Vernon swore loudly.

Half-expecting to see a hair werewolf gazing in at them, Dudley looked at the window to see it was a cluster of owls.

Petunia eyed them distastefully but didn't comment as Dudley opened the window to let them in.

There were six owls there—two of them holding up a large, grey owl which was unconscious. Dudley recognized it as being Errol, the Weasley family owl. Each owl bar one was carrying a birthday present. The other had a letter from Hogwarts, once Dudley had relieved it from its burden, it flew away leaving the others behind. Dudley tossed the Hogwarts letter aside for now.

"Presents from my friends," Dudley called, excitedly.

He grabbed the package from the Weasleys first and tore it open. There was a birthday card, a present wrapped in gold and a second envelope.

He tore open the present first.

"What's that Dud?" Vernon asked.

Dudley stared at the item. It looked like a miniature glass spinning top. "Dunno," he said, assuming it was something magical.

He noticed a note had fallen out and picked it up.

Dudley - this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there's someone untrustworthy around, it's supposed to light up and spin. Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night. But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup.

Bye - Ron

He next opened the envelope. Two pieces of paper fell out—a letter and a newspaper clipping. Dudley glanced at the newspaper clipping first.

The clipping had clearly come out of the wizarding newspaper, the Daily Prophet, because the people in the black-and-white picture were moving. Dudley picked up the clipping, smoothed it out, and read:

MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE

Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw.

A delighted Mr. Weasley told the Daily Prophet, "We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank."

Dudley stopped reading there and looked at the moving photo. He saw all nine of the Weasleys waving furiously at him, standing in front of a large pyramid. Plump little Mrs. Weasley; tall, balding Mr. Weasley; six sons; and one daughter, all (though the black-and-white picture didn't show it) with flaming-red hair. Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling, with his pet rat, Scabbers, on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.

Dudley read the letter next.

Dear Dudley,

Happy birthday!

Hope your summer is going well? It's amazing here in Egypt. Bill's taken us around all the tombs and you wouldn't believe the curses those old Egyptian wizards put on them. Mum wouldn't let Ginny come in the last one. There were all these mutant skeletons in there, of Muggles who'd broken in and grown extra heads and stuff.

I couldn't believe it when Dad won the Daily Prophet Draw. Seven hundred galleons! Most of it's gone on this trip.

We'll be back about a week before term starts and we'll be going up to London to get my wand and our new books. Any chance of meeting you there?

Try and come to London,

Ron

P.S. Percy's Head Boy. He got the letter last week.

Dudley glanced back at the photograph. Percy, who was in his seventh and final year at Hogwarts, was looking particularly smug. He had pinned his Head Boy badge to the fez perched jauntily on top of his neat hair, his horn-rimmed glasses flashing in the Egyptian sun.

He then opened the package from a brown owl with tuft-like ears. It was from Hermione.

Dear Dudley,

How is your summer? I borrowed this owl from Neville—he wrote to me, and I asked if I could borrow it in my letter back. I've sent letters to all of my friends at Hogwarts, and since it is your birthday, I have attached your gift too. I hope you enjoy it.

Regards

Hermione

P.S. Ron says Percy's Head Boy. I'll bet Percy's really pleased. Ron doesn't seem too happy about it.

Hermione had sent him a box of Cauldron Cakes. He felt a little surprised that she had remembered. They hadn't spoke at all for large parts of the last school year, but had bonded more towards the end.

The third owl was from Dean.

Hey Dud,

How's your summer? Mum took me to Italy which was really good. We had a tour of AC Milan's ground—mum found it boring but I loved it. There's great food here, you''ll love it. I think I'm going to try out for the quidditch team this season. Mum has a new job and said she'll get me a broom. Here's your birthday present. I couldn't think what to get you.

Cheers

Dean

Dean's present was an Italy football scarf. Dudley wasn't a massive football fan, but he found it OK—since he had joined Hogwarts all he had ever watched was international matches during the summer. But Italy were a team he enjoyed.

The next letter, surprisingly, turned out to be from Lockhart.

"My friend, Dudley,

I hope this letter finds you well? I am getting along tremendously with my book about our exploits last year. It might be my best book yet—and it has a lot of stiff competition. I have sent a few early drafts to Rita Skeeter (Remember, I mentioned her?). I expect she will drop by at some point for an interview. She's a lovely woman with a quoll that can be a bit vicious—I think my smile has charmed her, she's always been positive about me! But tell her about what happened, Dudley—she'll especially be interested to know about our little battle with the snake! That's the key part of my book. Just agree with what she said, there a few embellishments … just to spice things up a bit for the readers. I'm sure you'll understand. I haven't forgotten about our lessons, I'll drop by at your first Hogsmeade weekend and give you a thorough grounding in memory charms! Really, Dudley, there is no wizard better qualified to teach you than myself!

I've attached your birthday presents.

Take care and all the best!

Your friend

Gilderoy Lockhart (Order of Merlin 2nd class, Order of Merlin 3rd class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and Six-Time Winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile)

PS

I won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile AGAIN

PPS

I also got my Order of Merlin, 2nd Class because of my exploits last year. One more to go!

PPPS

The shampoo is my own invention! Made from Occamy egg yolk. It will gurantee locks of lustrous luminosity

Lockhart's present contained a bottle of shampoo in a purple bottle, an extravagant and long (but not as long as Lockhart's own) peacock feather quill and a book by Lockhart called Marauding With Monsters which he had autographed.

He opened the last package carrying gifts, wondering who it was from.

To Dudley,

I hope you are having a great summer! Daddy took me looking for Nargles in Cornwall—we didn't find any, but we did find some round, brown little balls near some holes in the which daddy says Nargles leave behind. Apparently they're edible and daddy made a soup out of them. It was very delicious.

Thank you very much for saving me last summer. I didn't get the chance to say thankyou in person, so I sent this letter. Ginny said it was your birthday, so I got you something too. Dirigible Plum jam from our own garden. They enhance the ability to accept the extraordinary. You are meant to wear them, but they taste very nice too—especially on toast.

Your friend

Luna

Dudley felt surprised that Luna had sent him a present. He opened it up and indeed, there was a jar of orange-colored jam there. "Daddy Lovegood sounds like a kook," Dudley muttered. Since it seemed that Luna and her dad had spent the summer eating rabbit dropping soup, Dudley made up his mind to not eat the Dirigible Plum jam, feeling it could come from anything.

Finally, Dudley opened his Hogwarts letter.

Dear Mr. Dursley,

Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from King's Cross station, platform nine and three-quarters, at eleven o'clock.

Third years are permitted to visit the village of Hogsmeade on certain weekends. Please give the enclosed permission form to your parent or guardian to sign.

A list of books for next year is enclosed.

Yours sincerely,

Professor M. McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress

"Dad, can you sign my permission slip?"

"Pass it over, Son," Vernon said and scrawled his signature on it without looking at it.