Are You a Clown?
-.
/"This certainly feels strange…"/ Monika remarked as we aimlessly ambled down the street.
"How so?"
/"It's been such a long time that we've been really left to ourselves. In fact, we haven't spent a single day in this other world without you being in the company of others. You get along with people so well, I find it hard to believe you were ever an introvert or depressed."/
"Mmm. I don't know. Robin Williams. Anthony Bourdain. Brian Randall. Just because you look successful, productive, and are loved, doesn't mean you have achieved happiness. If depression was rational and could be driven away by mere arguments to look at the good things in your life, it wouldn't be depression."
I smiled and continued, smiling softly, "Sometimes the things that make us most envied are the things that torture us. Just because I feel relaxed in these conditions doesn't mean I'd feel the same way in others."
/"… now you've just made me sad. I remember now how people who give others so much joy may actually leave it too early. The grass is always greener on the other side, and even those who seek only the 'low-key no-stress life' may in the end tangle with feelings of inferiority and futility."/
Monika may be an artificial girl, but she had clear memories of her childhood and enjoying Robin Williams movies. That such a jolly person would actually commit suicide was a surprise to everyone. So it turned out 'Clowns are the saddest people' was not just a trite ironic saying after all.
Monika put a finger to her lips and said, /"I remember an old story…
/"A man was being chased. It was a dark moonless night, so dark that he could barely make out the trees in front of him, or the thick underbrush. All he knew was that he was in a forest and that there was something hunting him. Something big and angry and he thought he could see the eyes in the darkness behind him.
/"It sounded a lot like an angry cat. And the eyes were getting closer.
/"The man was out of breath now but he still pushed on.
/"That's exactly when the ground ran out, and he felt only empty air under his feet. He was falling now, on the side of the cliff. He flailed helplessly, and miraculously, grabbed something small and hardy. It was a branch. He clung to it desperately, with both hands and then craned upward to find a white tiger peering down from the top of the cliff. He heard another growl under him and found another white tiger at the bottom of the cliff. It was waiting for him down there, circling around impatiently.
/"Then the man heard squeaking sounds, and two mice crept out of a hole on the cliff-wall, one white and another black and began chewing on the branch that he was holding onto. He felt the branch give a bit, and he dropped a few inches - That's when he noticed a fruit on another branch beside the one he was hanging on. He plucked the fruit, chewing it, and then declared happily, 'Ah, this is life.'"/
"Hm. I don't quite remember that. What's the moral?"
/"It's about the Buddhist inspired concept of mindfulness, about living in the moment. All the pain, hurt, anxiety, is either reaching out from the past (the tiger that was chasing the man), or in the future (the tiger in the future). All anybody can do is live in the moment and be happy. Eat the fruit you have now. Reach out to the people around you while you still can.
/(The mice are Time. The white one, day, and the dark one, night.)"/
"Oh. I see now. For all that we might rage about it, no person no matter how great their power or wealth, can defeat Death. The now is all that we have."
/"This also makes me suspicious about whatever cheer you have, Player. What makes you actually happy here?"/
"You?"
/"Try again,"/ she replied flatly.
"Because…" I took a deep breath and then belted out, "BECAUSE IT'S A PLACE WHERE I CAN BE ONLY ME!"
"A place where I can be~!" I began to sing. Not very well. "As I make my myself!
- "Nothing behind me, and everything ahead,
- A city of dreams, and never dread,
- I'm happy just to see…!
- A world full of magic and mystery!
- A place where I can be only me!"
/"… are we doing this? Really? Are we doing this now? A song-and-dance number? Really?"/ Monika looked taken aback. /"I know you like being random, but Player, really? How long have you been itching for a chance to segue this into a conversation?"/
I began to take long strides and swing my arms from side to side.
- "It's a beautiful day in Belfast,
- "It's a beautiful day in Alephis, you see!
- "It's a beautiful day to be no one – but me!
- "The man who looks at no one – but you!"
/"People are looking at you like you're some kind of lunatic, you know. I really wonder if you would actually have dared to do this if Elze and Linze were around."/
Well of course not. That would be ridiculous and humiliating. I wouldn't dare to be this shameless in front of people whose opinions I actually cared about. And yes I did care very much about Monika's opinion, but having her smile or frown my antics was a win-win situation either way.
If I could not dare to be a fool in love, could I really say that I have ever loved?
- "Why should I care, and why should you?
- "I don't know any of these yahoos
- "They don't know my name
- "I am beyond shame!
- "Their opinions don't matter one whit-
- "TO MEEE!"
I began to joyfully spread my arms and people had to move to keep from getting accidentally punched in the face. Even a tall well-muscled minotaur beastkin decided to cross the street than to deal with this fully enthusiastic idiocy.
- "It's a beautiful day in Beeeelfast,
- "It's a beautiful day in Alephis, you see!
- "It's a beautiful day to be no one – but me!"
"Ack!"
- "It's a day to- oof!"
I stopped, having bumped into someone.
I glanced down to see that a little girl had fallen down, having run into me. She had long blond hair and tall ears with dark tips poking up from her head, even though she had a regular pair of human ears on the sides of her face too? She had a long fluffy white tail curled protectively around her as she sat on the ground, rubbing her face from running into my swinging legs.
She ran into the side of my legs, we were both not looking where we were going. Fortunately, I did not accidentally kick her in face.
/"Foxgirl! Eeee!"/ Monika squealed.
I dropped down to one knee and held out a hand to help her up. "Are you all right? Sorry about that."
She looked up at me, and fearfully cringed back.
"Don't worry, I'm not a suspicious person."
Monika sighed. /"That's exactly what a suspicious person would say. Let me talk to her."/
A changed my open hand to a pointing finger, a 'hang on' gesture and reached into my bag. I took out the cube-shaped projector and held it lens-up in my palm. I activated the projector and then whispered "Come forth, Water, [Mist]."
Carefully I imagined that a thick mist should emerged well above my palm, around the level of my fingertips.
And then Monika projected herself onto the water-saturated air with scanning light beams from below. All in glorious low definition, very much like Princess Leia's hologram. A light-printed image, technically. It was only very recently that we were able to figure this out. Magic came naturally to us, but making the most out of our existing technology in the framework of what magic allowed was still something that took practice.
Far more efficient than just magic or tech alone, though.
"Hello there!" Monika greeted the girl. "Don't be afraid. We're not bad people."
"A ma-magic show!" the little beastkin girl gasped out. She looked up at me in awe and asked, "Mister, are you a clown?"
Monika didn't even hesitate. /"… yes. The answer is Yes."/
So it turned out that the little fox girl was lost in the city. And it looked like no one wanted to help her. It was a familiar sight, it wasn't just that people in the big city have cold hearts but also feared that showing kindness to the innocent would just be a trap.
If you help someone they might come back to ask again and become dependent and then come to resent you when you fail to help them anymore due to charity starting to look like parasitism. Child beggars may become a form of child labor, packs of children sent out to earn money instead of going to school. It's a common problem in third-world nations, and even dates back to Charles Dickens and his story of Oliver Twist in the coal-streaked industrialized chaos of old London.
/"So… you were separated from your companion?"/ Monika asked. /"That's scary. Do you have any idea where you could stay so they could find you again?"/
"Um- we… we dediced… um, decided, that if we ever got split up, t-there's a place we could meet up! But I don't know where the placey is. "
"Excuse me a moment."
Monika vanished from the projection then appeared back on my screen. She presented her virtual image as if clutching my head. /"Her mispronouncing words is cute. SO CUTE. My maternal feelings are on overdrive!"/
Heh. Well, people fear being taken advantage of. But if you have enough power, you don't have to fear showing kindness. If this was a trap, those poor idiots who would be using this poor child as bait would shortly come to severely regret their life choices.
And then Monika reappeared. /"So where is this placey-wacey?"/
"Um, a magicky shop called Luca, I thinks?"
Ah, probably not a trap then. Pity. Well, helping a lost child was its own good.
/"Ah. I see. There it is. That's no problem at all."/ Monika plugged it into her minimap and the fated trail lines overlaid our vision. /"We could take you there, if that's all right with you?"/
The foxgirl stared at Monika's small transparent figure, then up at my face. Then, hesitantly, she nodded. "I'm… I'm Arma."
/"Hello Arma, I'm Monika."/
"Hello Army, I'm Navy."
Monika sighed. /"And this clown is Zah Playa."/
Arma curtsied politely. Children in these times had a lot of freedom and self-reliance. No 'stranger-danger' panic just yet. A part of me was terribly afraid about that for all their sakes, what would have happened to Arma if someone else had come along?
Just recently we had saved royalty from kidnapping just because of anti-beastkin sentiment. Though the Duke did say the capital was the center of lawful protections, so there was hope a police patrol might have helped her eventually.
But Magic Shop Luca wasn't that far away anyway.
"Do you live here in Alephis, Army girl?"
/"Player, don't. I can just see you running that joke into the ground."/
No. I would totally kamikaze that joke into the ground. Witness meee! Okay I'll stop.
"No… no sir. My sis had work to do here, I w-wanted to see the capital too. Um. You?"
"We had work to do too, but we're leaving day after tomorrow. This is actually my first time visiting Alephis too."
Arma blinked. Then softly she asked "If sho, then how do you know where to find…?"
/"MAGIC!"/ Monika answered her question before the girl could finish.
"… that sounds legit," Arma had to admit.
-.
.-
- "IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THIS HERE CITY
- "SO MANY SIGHTS STILL LEFT TO SEE
- "AIN'T GOT NO MONEY SO WE JUST GOTTA SING
- "NO NEED TO WORRY WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING!"
We marched down the streets, singing loudly and rudely. The little foxgirl stiffly swung her arms up and down. A very serious look was on her face.
- "ALEPHIS SOUNDS LIKE A WHOLE LOTTA FISH!
- "IF I'M HUNGRY GONNA HAVE TO LAKE MY OWN WISH!"
"Oh look! There it is. There SHE is!" Arma broke off suddenly. "SIS!"
She jumped up and began waving. An older fox beastkin standing in front of the shop perked up her ears and began running towards us.
The two sisters ran at each other and the younger foxgirl was swept up into a hug. "I was so worried!" the older foxgirl said. "How could you get lost- I told you to stay close!"
"I'm shorry," Arma mumbled into her sister's chest. Then she looked up and said brightly "But it wasn't that scary. Mister Playa and Miss Monika here helped me!"
It was only now that the foxy lady noticed us. We waved back in greetings. I was still holding the projector cube with Monika remaining visible.
"They're clowns!" Arma added helpfully.
Monika palmed her face and began to laugh uncontrollably. /"I am recording all of this for the girls to see later, you realize?"/
With respect to Robin Williams, there is literally nothing wrong with being a clown.
-.
.-
Arma was a golden-haired young foxgirl wearing rough but cute commoner clothes. Her sister, introducing herself as Olga Strand, had a more martial air. Her hair was tied back behind into a ponytail by a large green bow. Her irises, unlike Arma's warm vulpine-yellow eyes, were more of severe ruby red.
She was wearing a blue military-looking coat over a skirt that was open in front, exposing her riding pants and tall black leather cavalry boots. Her hair was more of a reddish fox hue and her tail was much larger and bushier with a white tip.
She bowed in thanks again. "Thank you for helping my sister, sir." Olga blinked and stared down at Monika's flickering image and seemed to dismiss her as a magic trick. She reached into her pocket. "Could I… repay you somehow?"
/"Ahaha, no that's not necessary. Despite all the singing, money is the one thing we don't lack right now."/ Monika looked up and glared at me. /"Player, don't you dare. There has to be a limit to your money-grubbing ways."/
I nodded. "Instead of that… do you happen to have something else to do this afternoon? Maybe you have time to join me for tea so we can talk about what's there to see in Alephis?"
/"… Player. Are you seriously trying to pick up another girl? Right in front of me, even?"/ She put a finger to her chin. /"Although, the fact that this is deliberate now rather than accidental does make me feel better about your self-confidence."/
"Monika please. We are new here in Alephis. And look – someone who either lives in Alephis, or is also here for work. We have common ground to talk about!"
/"Lies. You just want to Touch Fluffy Tail, don't you?"/
"There is no need for that salacious tone, woman!" I replied in mock injury. "My intentions are pure and purely hands-free!" I wiggled the fingers in my other hand to demonstrate. Also the fact that she even knew that meme proved her intentions were hardly so innocent either.
Olga stared at the wriggling digits with suspicion. "Umm. Actually, we had actually best be heading home right now, I'm sorry. Couldn't I just… pay you?"
Alma's ears drooped. "Sis…? We don't really have more time?"
I smiled and nodded. "That's fine too. It's fine to be suspicious of strangers too." I reached into my pack and brought out a piece of paper. "I'm based mainly on Reflet, just visiting the capital for now. If you ever need anything or in that part of the country, please feel free to drop in at the Silver Moon Inn.
"We deal with medicine, open air sound systems, and wide scale extermination. My references include the Duke of Ortlinde, if ever you have the chance to ask someone in the House of Ortlinde about Zah Playa Von Chara."
I nudged the mantle flap of my traveling hood away to expose the medal I had pinned to my chest.
Her eyes widened. "T-the Duke?!"
Yep. Namedropping people works. Of course it could also backfire if you were speaking to a political enemy or revealing yourself as someone that could be used to damage your patron's reputation.
"I… I myself work with people in the palace," Olga admitted. "I am an ambassador for Mismede. I apologize for any offense, sir. I… might have time for a little chat over tea after all."
"Yay!" said Arma, her fox ears perking up again.
Ahh. That might explain why she was so suspicious. She was politically relevant.
I shook my head sadly. "No… I would not want to make you feel uncomfortable or feel under duress. That's not the kind of guy I am." Then a thought just occurred to me. "Do you know Charlotte, the court magician?"
"I have seen her, yes. She did study in Mismede. We are not real acquaintances, but we have met before."
"We may be speaking to her tomorrow too. We may meet later in more… official… capacities. There will be plenty of time to speak then."
For some reason she looked vaguely displeased at my mentioning Charlotte. Why?
Racial tension from a human studying in the beastkin kingdom? Sounds unlikely.
/"Flag?"/ Monika asked.
"Inevitability," I responded. "We might not deal in politics, but politics deals with us."
Olga now far less warily accepted my business card. I dropped down to one knee and ruffled Arma's hair, who was pouting at being ignored. "And you, don't go running off on your own anymore, eh? Your sister just wants you to be safe. Be more careful of random people on the street, not everyone is a good person. Be a good girl."
Arma's fox ears flicked up and she nodded happily. "I wills!"
I chuckled, patted her head one last time and got up. Let this world keep warming the cynical lump of coal that is my heart. When I'm allowed to put a mask on my face I can shed bit by bit the armor around my essential humanity.
The two fox girls bowed again and made their excuses to leave. Arma waved happily at us all the while until we were out of view.
/"So what now?"/
I pointed. "Conveniently we're in front of the thing we were looking for in the city. A magic shop."
-.
-.
The inside of the magic shop was exactly as we expected, a bright and clean well-stocked establishment that nonetheless managed to have this musty mysterious smell to it. The proprietor was a middle-aged woman who looked a bit like a librarian.
We bought a few books and arranged to deliver others to the Silver Moon Inn in Reflet. The magic shop owner told us that magic items and armor were sold in a much more exclusive shop in the eastern avenue.
/"Well that was interesting,"/ said Monika. /"Because it turns out, that's what a magic shop is. Something like a bookstore and office supplies shop. In world of functional magic, they would treat magic with the same view of ubiquitous utility as we would our computers."/
Interesting, but not very useful. Certain ubiquitous items as in DnD were actually quite rare or sold in more specialized high-class shops. A small downtown magic shop didn't stock magic items, they actually stocked magical reagents.
Enchanted items were usually found in deep ancient ruins, or mass produced by a magic-using kingdom in the Far East. Even then however, it was said they were expensive due the success rate for enchanting an object was very low, and sometimes even risked the destruction of materials.
-.
After some time, we found the place. It was a tall brick structure with a large signboard that said BIRKUT. It felt like the insides of a high-class department store, what with its tall ceilings and a large open indoor courtyard area and white paneled walls. Oddly enough, there were no visible guards anywhere.
An attractive young lady approached and greeted me as soon as I entered.
"Welcome to Birkut's, milord. Is this your first time here?"
"Yes. This is my first time in this establishment."
"Very well, sir. Might you have something that proves your social standing or an invitation that permits you to shop here?" It really was no place for random gawkers or street customers. Only nobility and the truly wealthy were allowed to shop there.
I showed her the Ortlinde medal and handed it over for inspection. Unlike Olga, she merely bowed her head in acknowledgment, not impressed at all.
"All is in order, milord. Now, how may we help? Is there anything in particular you seek?"
"I'm looking for a very specific enchantment on a piece of armored fabric. And also light armor in general."
She bowed again and requested for me to follow her to a section of the store that stocked armor. There were things from shiny shields, to fine plate armor, to plain leather gloves that didn't seem special at all. "All of these things are enchanted, right?"
"That is correct, sir. For example, this Silver Mirror Shield has been enchanted to reflect offensive spells, while this one is a Gauntlet of Demigod Strength, which has a strength increasing enchantment placed upon it. It will increase the power of muscles through your whole body."
/"So just like Elze's [Boost]?"/ Monika mused privately. /"This sort of general body enhancement sounds like a common enough Null ability, but there are variations enough to be unique to each person. If this strength boost magic doesn't provide increased durability, it is actually inferior to what [Boost] can already do, and giving it to someone else in our team… will just bother them about strength they're not trained to handle.
/"My [Amplify] is already so much superior to this thing. It is useless."/
I tapped at the gauntlet. "Rather thin. I'm assuming this isn't just enchanted steel."
"You are correct again, sir. That is fine mithril, crafted by the dwarves of Lyle and enchanted in the Felzen Magic Kingdom."
"Good. Then am I allowed to ask for customized items? I don't necessarily need to have it now, but I will pay in advance and then have it delivered to another town. I'm here in the capital on business, and will need to leave by day after tomorrow." I took out a piece of paper from inside my pack.
"We can certainly accommodate that, milord. What exactly were you looking for, sir?"
"First, what is your name?"
"I am Marine, milord." Pronounced 'Mah-ri-nee' rather than 'Ma-reen'.
"Thank you, Marine." I showed her a drawn page with schematics. "For now, find me a better helmet than the one I'm wearing right now. I need something lighter yet stronger. I will also need it to be modified with certain attachments to the front – like these."
I pointed out the distinctive trihorn crest with a pentagon-shaped centerpiece. "Inside this part of the crest, I will require a ceramic slug with copper wire wound around it. If possible I'd like the wires to be lacquered so that they don't conduct on contact with metal. The ends of the wire should go through these holes, down into the helmet, and trail a few yards. I'll handle the rest for my purposes."
/"… that's an electromagnet, Player. Why would you want to put something that would interfere with my wireless signals on your head? Although…. I suppose I could use the EM field to boost the signals too. But I already have magic radar and sonar, this seems redundant."/
"Another hole must be drilled here, at the back, about a quarter of an inch wide," I finished. "It's a fairly simple job."
Marine nodded. "I understand. Is there anything more, sir?"
"Two things: first… cloth that has a certain enchantment placed on it, so that it appears to show the night sky. No matter how you move the cloth, it shows only the parallax background on an unmoving sky. Like a window cut into space."
I took out the projector cube again, cast [Darkness] over us to obscure the light, and shone an example image onto the wall.
"How fascinating! But unfortunately we do not have such a thing in stock. If you are not in any particular hurry, we will see about fulfilling your request."
"All right. How about some general-purpose armor cloth? While I don't doubt that you have a good selection of armored clothing, I require enough bolts for some uniforms."
"We do have those in stock. That is not an unusual request. Would you like to see a selection of colors or undyed cloth? Unfortunately, armor cloth will not have as strong protective qualities as those of already finished outfits. How do you feel about tightly woven mithril mail?"
"Can that be worn an under-layer to standard clothing? I need enough cloth to outfit… say, five people, who will face real combat. I don't need shite that just looks good, I require soft discreet armor for protection detail."
The shop assistant's eyes widened in some form of realization. "I see. I will have to discuss this with the others, sir. Is there anything else?"
I handed over the page. "No, that's it."
She bowed again as she accepted the order notes. "In that case, please have a look at our selection of helmets while I call for the samples. Please excuse me. I will be back shortly."
The young woman left us alone in the shop. Our attention was drawn to a white longcoat with a fur-lined collar. It looked terribly anachronistic. "Well maybe if I had decided to cosplay Soma Cruz instead of Char Aznable…" I murmured.
Monika giggled. /"Even I know that meme. You are certainly a man. What are you but a miserable pile of secrets?!"/
"Enough talk! Have at thee!"
"Ah! Dear customer, why?!"
I blinked and turned to see a young man in a shop uniform with arms up in surrender.
-.
In the end, it turned out that he was Florian, another shop assistant, and soon after Marine returned with the enchanted bolts of cloth and a sample of woven mithril mail for a mail shirt. The latter was a very fine metal weave, and indeed very much like what Frodo wore in the LoTR movie.
For much the same reason, unless there was some shenanigans afoot, however, without sufficient padding the mail shirt would offer almost no protection as it simply folds into the blade tip and drive into the wound.
The material had more resistance to slashing and being cut, however.
"They are enchanted with blade, heat, cold, and strike resistance. Not as much as this… say, leather jacket that is very strong against blades, flame and lightning…" Florian showed off a gaudy red jacket with gold filigree and an oriental dragon design at the back.
Monika blanched in disgust.
I shook my head. "No. A consistent theme is as important as protection."
"Might I make a suggestion?" Marine asked softly.
I nodded. "Go ahead."
"Why not a cape or a cloak? If a gambeson would be too conspicuous… you could get a thicker layer for protection and then another one close to the body."
/"Cloak and dagger combat is perfectly legit, Player!
/And I mean this literally, not ironically. Fencing masters kept it in their repertoire from the 16th to 18th centuries until it was largely replaced by pistols. Which made things more lethal, but more equal, with less need for physical skill and training. Even Mark Twain narrowly avoided fighting a duel with a rival newspaper editor."/
I rubbed at my chin and thought it over. "All right. Show me several cloaks, preferably ones that won't lose their enchantment if dyed or re-stitched."
After a few more hours, I ended up buying three bolts of armor cloth, six armor cloaks (colored deep purple similar to the shade on Elze and Linze's clothes). They gave me a lighter replacement helmet with anti-heat and anti-sweat/wetness enchantment. Their in-house smith managed to actually hammer to shape, modify and attach the mithril crest for a real Char Aznable helmet within the hour.
I also bought several sets of new facemasks so I could go around with my face still covered if I removed the VR headset. The eyeholes were matte on the outside but perfectly clear seen from the inside. Magic was nifty like that. The cloth would also reduce skin chafing.
New white gloves with basic cut and stab resistance, and most importantly – magic conductivity. I could actually wear magic rings or wands and still cast spells even with my hands protected. Though after practicing with spells magic amplifiers shortly proved unnecessary anyway.
I also found white boots with interesting composite material soles. Metal was sandwiched between anti-noise pads and grip layers. The shop assistants tried to get me to shell out for boots with stride enchantment to feel impact with every step and thus end up less tired in the long run, but I was already doing that all the time with Wind Magic.
Anti-poison magic items? Sure why not. Rings were the most convenient form for that.
"So, how much for everything?"
Florian and Marine looked at each other, and then Florian said to me "Since you're buying a lot, we'll make it cheap for you and sell the combined goods for only eighteen gold coins."
"Two platinum, huh? Fair enough."
I reached into my pack and brought out two platinum coins. Marine smiled at me and held out a small tray. I put the two coins onto a tray, and she went off to the counter for change while Florian began calling out for servants to pack everything.
/"So that's fifteen thousand dollars down the drain, in melt value, and up to ninety thousand adjusted for purchasing power. Player, is this even a reasonable investment?"/
"It is a very small price to pay compared to going Full Vlad Tepes if Elze and Linze dies."
Monika sniffed. /"Heh. You say that like you're joking. But between the two of us, I'm the one who has actual experience with murdering people."/ Her smile was open and serene. /"Don't rely on me to keep you sane when that happens, Player.
/"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh.
/"Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, Act Two, Scene Five. Greatness awaits us, Player. Maybe the great and terrible. I actually do appreciate that you recognize we would simply go mad together, instead of unfairly placing me on an pedestal."
I smiled back at her. I loved this new life of mine. But while Monika and I might be able to beat back our suicidal depression, that didn't mean we have essentially solved the reason why we have that deep-seated despair.
We ached to be good people. We wanted to be happy in the company of others, we would care for them and protect them and be good to them.
Because deep in our hearts we knew we were just terrible people capable of some truly terrible things.