Chapter 20: Chapter 20
Lessons Learnt
Chapter 20
All was calm in the house now. Molly was upstairs asleep. Charles stood looking out of the window into the moonless night. How had things got so messed up?
"Pregnant." Was what he shouted at her as soon as she has told him. He saw her flinch at the volume if his voice. "How? Fuck. How far are you?"
"How? I think we can get. Something has gone spectacularly wrong." She mocked. Not sure how she felt about it, but bloody certain she didn't need his anger to make her feel any worse. "They reckon about six weeks." She answered.
"Oh Molly." Was all he said and turned away, couldn't look at her.
She understood, she didn't even know what to say herself. She wouldn't apologise though. This was as big a fuck up his as it was hers. She didn't know how he'd react. She just knew that potentially the news was not welcomed by either of them.
"What we going to do?" He said biting his finger nails. "How can we be parents. We don't even live together anymore."
"I don't know."
"Well we'd better get some bloody answers soon Molly." He bellowed at her.
"Wind your neck in Charles." She shouted. "This isn't all my fault you know. Wasn't planned or nothing you know." She wasn't being treated as though she was the guilty one in all this, no bloody way.
"Shit Molly I know. Just what the fuck are we going to do?" He flopped down onto the settee.
She stood there, alone. He hadn't once offered her any comfort. She was tired, had missed him and was scared. Plus she was fed up of feeling so nauseous. She just wanted him to hold her. Ashamedly she stared to cry.
"Oh hell Molly come here." He reached over to grab her and pulled her into him on the couch. "We'll sort it." He promised, but God knew how he thought.
She lay sobbing in his arms for what seemed like hours. Eventually she fell asleep and he carried her tiny body that was now growing a new life inside her, carefully upstairs. He was too wound up to sleep. So he came downstairs and that was where she found him hours later. Standing. Staring. Thinking.
"You ok?" She asked encircling his waist and putting her arms around him, resting her head in his back.
"Yes. No. You?"
"I don't bloody know Charles. I thought if it ever happened I would. But I don't." She admitted.
"Well I guess that's the first thing we need to figure out. What are we going to do... I mean options and that."
"Yeah. I guess. But not tonight eh? Can you just come to bed and hold me. I bleeding missed you."
"Ditto." He turned and held her hand leading her up the stairs. Whatever happened he vowed he wouldn't hurt her.
Amazingly they both had some sleep that night, and both woke feeling slightly refreshed. They sorrowfully smiled at one another. No words were necessary, because no words could be expressed that could solve this problem. They simply didn't have the answers for this problem at the moment.
"I suppose we should get up." Charles said practically, for want of something to do. However just then Molly raced out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. He could hear her being sick from behind the closed door. The audible reminder of their predicament just as hard to take on board. Hearing Molly in distress made him even angrier that this was happening to them. He grabbed his running kit, and slammed out the house, taking his frustrations out on the road ways rather than Molly.
She heard the front door shut, and guessed he was running. Not just running for exercise but running to escape her and their problem. She felt awful. The life inside her making her feel sick, and the guilt of the situation expounding it. What could they do? How could she be a mother. She had started to make something of herself, and now here she was knocked up and unmarried. Just the type of life she had ran away from when she joined up. She wasn't embarrassed, only disappointed that her plans were interrupted. She was pissed off though that Charles had left. Not because she wanted him to stay, but because he could leave. It wasn't his body who was reacting to any movement, protesting at the changes occurring inside it. No it was hers, and no matter how badly she wanted to run, for the first time in her life, she couldn't.
She made her way into the kitchen. There was nothing she wanted that the mere thought of it didn't bring on further wave of nausea. So she sat there in this big perfect kitchen, watching the winter sun warm up the back garden. The day was coming to life. She felt overcome by it all. The choices she had to make, both the emotional and practical ones. She ran her hands across her stomach, nothing was noticeable, but there was something in there that changed everything. Molly rested her head on her arms, laid now on the kitchen table and closed her eyes. She slept. That was how Charles found her when he came home and hour later. Crumpled, uncomfortable, leaning over sleeping on the kitchen table, a testament to how exhausted she must be.
"Molly." He gently touched her shoulder. She whipped her head up, instantly regretting it, the motion sending her rushing to the toilet to be sick again.
"Oh for Fuck sake" Charles muttered.
When she returned she felt she had to say sorry. Although she knew it wasn't her fault, it was habit that made her say it.
"What for?" He questioned, perhaps not getting his tone quite right, for a tired sensitive Molly. It was meant to be a simple question. One she interpreted as a leading one too.
Molly spat back at him.
"This isn't just my fault Charles. How dare you."
"God….. That's not what I meant. I meant I know this morning sickness you can't help it. You don't need to apologise for that." He strode over and pulled her into a hug. Unfortunately the smell of his sweat and dampness of his clothes sent her running back to the toilet to heave what was left in her very empty stomach.
Later, much later in the day, after Molly had come back downstairs, several more hours sleep under her belt, she found Charles sitting on the settee staring.
"You feeling any better?" He asked. Cautious as to how he asked her anything.
"A bit. Yes a lot thank you. You?" She tried to be a pleasant as she could.
"I will be when I can cuddle my girl again without making her vomit." He joked, and was relieved to see her laughing. How could he tell her that everything in his worlds was far from ok.
She sat down next to him and rolled into a ball by his side.
"I'm sorry about that." She said. "Think it's only now and then you make me sick." Attempting a half giggle back at him.
"It's ok. Not your fault. I guess we need to talk about this if you're up for it." He tentatively asked, cupping her face and kissing her forehead.
"I'm not, but I don't know if I ever will be to be honest. But there are some practical things we need to do."
She explained that she needed clothes, as well as the need to see her folks for Christmas, and finally to make an appointment at the Medical Centre on camp. All in all she need to go back to her barracks. To get back there she needed Charles to drive her, which he willingly agreed to. He thought it would be the perfect time to talk too, but true to her form she slept most of the way. When they arrived at barracks it was as though the past year hadn't happened. She lived in this small room, and he was back living at a school again. As he looked around the room, watching her pack clothes for her leave, he dared to ask the question.
"Can we talk about this Molly?"
"Guess we are going to have to." She replied. "Honestly though Charles I don't know where to start."
"I guess the first question is…" He hesitated, it was an awful question to ask the mother of his child. "….Do you want to keep it?"
"Oh God Charles. I don't know. All I do know is that I can't get rid of it. Whatever answers I have to give. I just know that I can't get rid of this, our baby." She paused to watch him awaiting his response. This was where everything began or ended, right here on Charles' reply.
"Yeah. I know. It's not the baby's fault." That was all he said.
"Charles? What about you? What do you want? Do you want the baby?"
"No. No I don't Molly, but we have one and I couldn't get rid of it either. You're growing a little bit of me and you inside you now. We're just going to have to face up to that I guess." Saying the words, hearing the words of their intention to keep the baby brought about a small degree of calmness in their nuts.
She sat down on the bed next to him. They had moved a step forward. They were going to have this baby. They hadn't wanted one, but they had made one, and they stood by that. As to how they would bring it up, where, and whether they would do it together would be something else they should discuss.
"I guess that's a start." She sighed. "I…erm….need to see the Doctor at the Med Centre to get it all official. Then I guess I've to tell Elvis. That will be me off active duty for the foreseeable."
"I'll come with you." He said. "To the Doctors. I'll be with you 100% of the way you know." She smiled her thanks at him. "When do you want to tell your parents?" He asked.
"Oh God….I hadn't thought. Not for a while yeah. Yours too. Let's get our heads round this first." To that he readily agreed.
The Doctor's appointment was routine, and her meeting with Elvis was formal, and in confidence. They both told him the basics. It was a surprise, not planned, yes they were keeping the baby, and no they didn't have a bloody clue what they were going to do from here on in. The questions Elvis asked were the same questions that kept going around and around in their own heads, without any answers. They knew though they had to start finding them soon.
"Do you want to get married?" Charles suddenly burst out. They were driving to visit Molly's parents, to drop Christmas presents off when Charles asked. He didn't even look at her, he just blurted it out sharply and without thought.
"Bleeding hell Charles. I thought that one day if you asked me it would be more romantic than that." Molly looked hurt. She was ultra sensitive at the moment, but even so that as a proposal in anyone's book was a shit one.
"Well I haven't had much time to plan. Have I? Didn't really expect this." Worried he'd really upset her. The tears rolling down her face, wetting her coat. "Well do you?" He demanded. He just couldn't stop himself.
"Tell me Charles. Why do you want to get married?" She wailed.
"Well because of the…. you know baby and that." Then seeing the hurt on her face, watching it crumple, he knew his mistake. "Of course and because I love you Molly."
"Yes I know." She sobbed loudly. "It just I know you've only asked cause we stupidly got into this situation. Not because you want to." The tears just wouldn't stop now.
He knew he'd hurt her. Done something he had vowed he wouldn't do. He'd upset her. The whole situation was awful.
When they arrived at her parents. Molly still hadn't recovered and Belinda asked straight away what was up. Molly needed her Mum and couldn't hide her feelings from her. She told her all. Dave shouted at Charles. Called him all the names under the sun, while Belinda scolded him for being such a prannet. Both of them enraged, not because Molly was pregnant, but because Charles was hurting her.
"I could knock your heads together." She shouted at Charles. "My baby is upstairs crying her eyes out. You hurt her you know."
"All I want to do is make her happy." He said sadly. Everything was a mess. "What do I do Belinda?" He pleaded at her.
"Well get up those bleeding stairs and start making it right. She's the mother of your child you idiot. Whether you both like it or not."
Charles didn't need to be told twice, he bounded up the stairs two at a time. He found her very red faced and puffy eyed. Crying on her bed.
"Molly I am so sorry. I messed up big time." He crouched down in front of her, unsure about touching her. Each time he had tried she had moaned everything hurt, throbbed or made her feel sick.
"You hurt me." She said thickly blowing in to an over saturated handkerchief.
"I know." he pulled her gently into his arms, taking a risk. "Look I love you. I'll love this baby. I just need to get my head round it a bit. I'll do whatever you want."
"Would you ever have wanted to marry me Charles?" She asked. "You always said it was too soon."
"I did. I guess I did because I was frightened you thought that too. I know I want to be with you, forever, for always. Thought we would marry. Guess I just wanted more me and you time before all this came along."
"Me to, but it's here, and it aint going away."
"No it's not. Listen I've been thinking. I can't move school for a year, but when I can I can look for a school closer to your job. I'll take paternity leave, then there my holidays, I could even go part time to look after the baby. Whatever we need to do. I need you, and will do everything I can to keep you."
"You'd do that. Move jobs, go part time?" That type of sacrifice by a man in the Dawes world was unheard of.
"Yes I'd do that and more Molly. I don't want to be ever without you." She kissed him, and held onto him. He had meant everything he had said and he knew she had forgiven him.
"So…." He said. "What about you marrying me Miss Dawes, and making me the happiest of men?"
"I will Charles, one day, just not now. Let's get baby out of the way first." She didn't need that piece of paper to know that Charles was committed to her now. Their time for marriage would come.
"So that's not a no then?" He teased. "Just a not now but later?" He knew he had messed up and had been forgiven, he would not do it again. Brain would definitely been engaged before he asked next time.
"That's right. Oh and when you do it again mate it had better be bleeding perfect." They both laughed, but Charles made that important mental note of her words.
Then next couple of weeks passed by. Christmas came and went. They had moved no further forward with their plans, not had shared their secret with anyone else. Both were still unsure about how they felt. Molly tried to get excited about being pregnant, but the morning sickness was crippling, so joy was not on her agenda. Charles found it difficult to see the woman he loved so unwell so many times a day. Plus it meant that there was little intimacy between them, little physical contact, which they both mourned its loss.
Jacki and Elvis joined them for New Year's Eve, a very quiet sedate affair. Jacki of course knew their news, and could see they both were shocked by it.
"So what you going to do Mols?" She asked.
"I want to stay in Jacki, it's just how do we manage it? Can't see me though ever getting back into active service. That wouldn't be fair on Charles or the kid."
"Have you thought about re training or something? Coming out but doing something similar?" Practical as always was Jacki.
"Like what?" Molly had thought of nothing but the Army since the day she started. She hadn't thought of any options, because for so long the Army was her only option.
"Well teaching, or a Paramedic. Something like that." Jacki threw her a few suggestions.
Molly laughed, but it gave her food for though. Elvis added to her and Charles' machinations.
"You know Herefords not too far from here. Could recommend you for a teaching post there. You could commute from here. Leave you in for now. Wait until babs is born then you can work out what's what."
It was sounding so simple. Charles could keep at his school, and maybe for a while Molly could keep in the Army. Relief and a little bit of happiness started to wash over them. This happiness continued into the first few days of the New Year as Elvis and Jacki quietly announce, with no fuss, no grand gesture that they were engaged. It was a million miles away from how Georgie would have wanted it to be. Jacki and Elvis just kept it simple and about them, and their future together. Charles looked over at Molly when they heard his friends news, she was so happy for them, and in between bouts of sickness and crying she managed to tell them so. Charles realised he had messed up his proposal when he saw the joy on Jacki's face. He winced when he remembered how his bungled proposal had made Molly just cry.
The following week Charles stared his new job, he came home that night full of busy and full of excitement. This was his perfect job. Something that made Molly happy about, but sad that he might have to give it up to look after their child. What they did love was Molly and him being under the same roof again. Their dreams of waking up in each other's arms again were fulfilled. Well that is they almost were. Molly's morning sickness quite often found Charles alone in their bed, while Molly visited the bathroom. Her morning sickness was actually becoming a problem, and she was signed off on the sick. The rest of the team would know and therefore it was time to tell Charles' parents too.
To say Mary was delighted was an understatement. She hugged them both so hard and pressed them for all the details. She was amazed to find that so much was still up in the air, and no wedding was being planned. Eventually they took their leave, both exhausted.
"Elvis has got me an interview in Herford next week." Molly said.
It was a huge piece of news. Their future depended on it. Both tried to be calm about it.
"I've also a scan coming up. Bit earlier than usual, cause of what happened at the beginning. Do you want to come?" Just asking the question scared her.
"Of course I bloody do. I told you I'm in this 100%."
"Yeah. I know. It's just you're with me, but you're not happy about it are you?" She needed to know.
"Molly I love you. Every day I see you vomit, tired, emotional…stressed…worried about how we're going to do this…it's just at the moment there aren't many positives to all this. It's hard to watch. That's all."
"Yes plus…." She giggled, relieved they were honest to one another. Especially as she felt the same way. So far all she felt towards their situation was frustration. "….You haven't been able to get your leg over for weeks."
"Lovely. Well there is that to." He smirked. It was hard though to feel amorous towards someone who was physically sick just by the mere smell of him! A tad off putting he felt.
The day of the scan arrived. Charles made sure he put on his most supportive face. Because an emotional Molly was hard to cope with these days, and well as causing havoc with her morning sickness. Clam and steady were the best ways to keep everyone happy.
When she went in to the room for the scan Charles followed like a spare part. Unsure of his role in all this, but he had agreed to be by her side, and here he was. For both of them it felt unreal, a process they had to go through to help bring their healthy baby into the world. That was until the screen was turned towards them both and the sonographer showed them their baby.
Their tiny little blip of a life growing inside Molly. This life they had created together out of their love. As they heard it's heart beat they knew nothing else mattered. Careers, where they lived, other's people's opinions. All that matter were the three human that were going to be starting a new journey together.
Molly turned to Charles and he pulled his hand away from hers. He was using it to wipe the tears from his eyes, both of them. Molly nearly missed that he had removed his patch, as her eyes were flooded with tears too.
"Oh my God Molly. That's so beautiful. You're so beautiful. That's our baby. Yours and mine." He sobbed. Really sobbed. Weeks of wondering questioning now being able to be expressed.
"Charles." Was all she managed, fighting against the urge to desperately wee and to vomit. Pregnancy was not the sexiest state at times. She was so happy though. There was their baby. She could see just how happy Charles was too.
In that room, in that instant they saw their child, both their hearts were filled with love and any lingering doubts that they were doing the right thing disappeared. They were going to be parents, and they were going to be the best.