Thanks again to Snickerer, Ellen, Wren, Jo, Cherry, and Cloudy for cheer-reading and beta work.
Kaito and Saguru are going by Sora and Steven, respectively, and think of the other Kaito as Kurou or Kuroba.
Ever Onward
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
~East Coker, III.43-44. T.S. Eliot.
He'd lost track of Riku and Aoko and Saguru after the roller coaster, weren't they supposed to be at the Ferris wheel by now? Aoko's voice was too far away, coming from too many directions at once. Was that a flash of silver hair disappearing behind the coaster supports?
He was in the shadows of the coaster struts already, chasing Kudou—where was the sound of crows cawing coming from? There weren't any crows nearby. He dropped from the coaster struts like a falcon in a hunting dive, the baton impact shuddering up his arm as he landed. Kudou dropped like a stone and—
Was blond.
Was Saguru, face slack against the ground, eyes half-open but unseeing—
Kaito jolted out of his early-evening doze to the sound of a knocking. He shoved himself up from the kotatsu cushions, blinking away grogginess and horror, as Jii appeared to admit Inspector Hakuba and Saguru, locking the door again behind them. Saguru must have seen something in Kaito's expression because he shed his shoes in a moment and met Kaito halfway, one gloved hand reaching out to steady Kaito by the elbow.
"Are you all right?"
Kaito gripped Saguru's forearm in turn, letting the steady pulse through the thin fabric of Saguru's shirt calm his nerves while Inspector Hakuba and Jii spoke quietly in the background. Whatever they were saying was far less important than reassuring his hindbrain that Saguru was alive and uninjured.
And had asked a question and was looking more and more concerned by the second.
Oops.
"Bad dream," he admitted reluctantly, and hurried on as Saguru's concerned gaze sharpened, "Not one of his memories, just… my brain threw his and my last amusement park visits in a blender."
Saguru hissed faintly. "I hate to say it, but that's actually a good sign."
I am not awake enough for this.
"Why?"
Saguru's expression was at least sticking to grim sympathy rather than outright pity. "Because it means your subconscious is having a chance to process what you've experienced, rather than being railroaded through the same things on endless repeat."
"...Thanks, I hate it." Kaito counted Saguru's snort as a minor win for… something. Senses of humor? Maybe, it sounded close enough. He took a deep breath, focusing on equilibrium. "How did it go?"
"About as well as we might have hoped." Saguru shifted, steering them both back to the kotatsu to sit. "And you?"
"Fine. She was trying to not be too recognizable, so Nondescript Black Outfit was easy to replicate from the disguise bag Kuroba-san packed."
Impersonating her to be confident that any potential surveillance footage would be convincing had been as unpleasant as he'd expected, but not worse than he'd feared. Also thankfully brief: out to the train station, and then an unmemorable disguise to a nearby arcade and a third one back to the Parrot. Saguru probably wouldn't appreciate hearing it was anything less than easy, but… between today's panic attack and nightmare, and the way Saguru'd finagled sitting so that Kaito hadn't had to let go of his arm…
Huh. Maybe he had an idea already.
"And then I helped Jii-san get some more food and water into Kuroba-san, ate some more myself, and went back to bed." Not stumbling over Jii's name by being too familiar felt like a bigger accomplishment than it maybe should, but Kaito would take what he could get. "What did Kudou say?"
Inspector Hakuba and Jii joined them at the kotatsu. Kurou was probably still asleep, for Jii to be comfortable leaving the bedroom even with the door ajar.
"You were correct about the Americans," Inspector Hakuba allowed, steepling his fingers. "Vermouth is no longer our direct concern, and we'll be collaborating for the investigation. Kudou-san is not thrilled about Kuroba-san but has offered to arrange a safe house for us for the longer term anyway." He glanced at Jii. "I'm grateful for everything you've given us already, Jii-san, but—"
Jii waved a hand in understanding. Even over a decade later, he hadn't been Kuroba Touichi's right hand man for nothing. "The best disguises can still slip, and many can be seen through. I am delighted to lend you what aid I can, however. Both of your new identification papers should be ready for use by the time your other residence is available."
Saguru blinked at Jii and Kaito smothered a smirk.
You've only met him as the kindly bar owner. I may be good at magic, but Kid has to get all his disguise IDs from somewhere and I'm not THAT good, except for college student IDs like Riku's at the amusement park.
Mostly because Jii won't teach me the rest of it until I'm twenty. But maybe he'll change his mind now, with what happened last month…
Kaito curtailed the train of thought before it could properly hit Connery because Inspector Hakuba was nodding. "I'm grateful. There will be plenty, I'm certain, with the strict limitations on my own contacts and resources."
"Groceries at the least, equipment and travel funds as necessary. I insist." Jii's smile was gentle, but hinted at a core of stubborn steel that arguing would be useless against.
Inspector Hakuba started to respond, but abruptly yawned, mirrored by Saguru a moment later before they both grimaced and Hakuba said, "My apologies. Today has been a very long day, and neither of us got much sleep."
You didn't? But I… slept while you both talked. And then you got like three hours sleep before coming to Jii's and Saguru maybe got an hour the same time I was sleeping off the Battle Break trap and then Vermouth caught up. And we all started having been awake longer than 'barely dawn' would usually imply. Crap.
"There were more critical concerns," Saguru pointed out, "But if Kuroba-san is still asleep, perhaps we should follow suit and discuss further strategy in the morning."
"I can stay up longer in case he does wake up," Kaito offered. The nightmare aside, the nap had left him feeling more alert even if 'rested' was up for debate.
Saguru's immediate, expressive look at their arms, where Kaito had yet to relinquish his hand from Saguru's pulse point, was not encouraging even before Inspector Hakuba replied, "He is, god help me, my responsibility, and you should at least be attempting a full night's sleep after the stunts you pulled in the past twenty-four hours."
Kaito ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. "You're probably not wrong."
The impromptu meeting adjourned before it had properly begun, with Jii insisting that Inspector Hakuba use the bedroom futon for the night so as to not move Kurou any sooner than necessary, and Jii would sleep in the temporary setup downstairs. That left the kotatsu cushions for Kaito and Saguru to share, but Kaito'd been managing fine so far and would be the first to admit he'd slept on worse.
If nothing else, Saguru breathing nearby could only help on the nightmare-management front. Kaito spared a wistful thought for Solomon's tea, but Saguru'd had a point that the subconscious processing was an improvement. Trying to procrastinate it would just lead to more issues, and probably a pissed-off detective to boot.
By the time they'd finished preparing for bed properly, and the adults had cleared out of the small living space of Jii's apartment to the other rooms, the worst of Kaito's adrenaline had at least faded. The apartment was quiet, since after arranging for the doctor Jii had decided to post a sign that the Blue Parrot would be closed for the next few days due to a health emergency. With the doors closed and the lights off, the fading twilight barely leaked through the curtains and would soon give over to the nearly full moon, instead.
Kaito stretched back out on the cushions and stared up at the ceiling. On the one hand, Saguru was clearly exhausted, on the other, who knew when they'd have privacy like this again for talking about going home without Jii overhearing…
"I can hear your brain spinning from over here," Saguru muttered from the other side of the kotatsu, interrupted by another yawn. "You cannot have slept enough already to have recovered from that card trap on top of everything else you pulled, even if it was bloody clever."
On the gripping hand, it takes two to talk strategy and Saguru might smack me right now if I try.
"Not recovered, no," he sighed. "Not thrilled about the idea of new nightmares, though."
"Mmm." Saguru was silent for so long Kaito almost thought he'd fallen asleep, but then he added, "Recovery is, in some ways, the hardest part of trauma."
Kaito considered this, and their half-conversation over a week ago about sturdy bones and high pain tolerance. "You'd know?"
"Not... precisely the same manner as you have. A drunk driver in London broke or cracked a majority of the bones on my left side when I was thirteen." Saguru's voice was quiet, but sounded determined to make his point. "Mum and Aidan were on the driver's side and escaped with bruises. I spent ten days in hospital and… much longer undergoing physical therapy."
Kaito winced at the estimation. For Saguru to be that inexact about a span of time, he probably avoided thinking about it whenever possible.
"No one'd guess, to look at you now." Kaito hadn't even found that accident in researching Saguru in the past; his family must have kept an even tighter lid on him being in the news after they moved to England until it was on his terms, with cases solved.
A breath of laughter. "I had excellent medical care and motivation, and the UK doesn't look askance at mental healthcare or private schooling to the same degree as Japan, so my frustrations didn't overbalance me. But I still sometimes dream about the moments I was conscious after the impact. Some days I ache, if I pushed myself particularly hard the day before. It doesn't matter that it's been years. Recovery doesn't make what you went through ever stop affecting you completely, and that's the hardest part to accept."
Kaito rolled onto his side and reached out to squeeze Saguru's shoulder in solidarity. Saguru'd do the same for him at this point if their positions were reversed, even though this had started with Saguru being the supportive one. "...I guess so. Which sucks, by the way."
"All the more because it doesn't care what we think about it." Saguru covered Kaito's hand for a moment, the glove's thin suede material soft but effectively blocking the warmth of skin—and wasn't that a great reminder of the trauma Saguru was still dealing with himself—then yawned again. "It gets better. But it will likely take distance, both temporal and physical, and may well initially get worse once we're somewhere safe or familiar again."
"Something to not look forward to at all," Kaito groused. "But yeah, I get your point. Even changing things, being here feels like being stuck in the countdown to a heist notice, and fight or flight mode is not useful for anything but survival."
Saguru made a hum that was probably agreement. "Have you spoken to Lupin-san about the thread yet?"
"No, I want to be actually rested, and preferably with you there to tag-team getting answers he's been putting off."
"Sounds… int'restin'…"
Kaito waited to see if Saguru'd add anything else, until a faint snore made it clear that the battle for staying awake had been lost. Carefully pulling back to his part of the cushions, Kaito retrieved his phone and started a list of what they should talk about in the morning.
Not putting off nightmares, just… planning. Yep. Planning…
Around point two, the phone hit the cushions anyway.
Kaito woke reflexively to several unexpected noises overnight, which postponed REM sleep more by accident than design. He surfaced into the light of morning from running through the wild Shadows with Saguru and Riku, pursued by Kurou just out of sight but all too audible.
Pointed symbolism much in your remixes, brain?
He shook his head sharply to banish the vestiges of the dream, brief as it had been, but looked over for Saguru anyway, just to be certain the other teen was properly intact. Saguru was still in the same position he'd been sleeping in for the last few weeks, on his back with the sunglasses settled in place, and for a small mercy no apparent distress in his dreams.
With that reassurance, Kaito's nose oriented his attention to the kitchen area, where Jii was putting his skills to use to prepare food more quietly than should have been possible. Jii had apparently also coaxed Kurou to keep him company from the comfort of the rolling desk chair that had been in Jii's bedroom. (The old man clearly spent a lot of his time in his desk chairs, because both that one and the one in the manager's office of the Parrot were high quality and maybe even custom made.)
Kurou was already watching him, and most likely had been since Kaito had first moved. The man had a navy button-down hiding his bandages and didn't seem in any overt distress, but the bags under his eyes weren't going to disappear any time soon. Survival instincts weren't either.
"Good morning. Is Hakuba-san up too?" Kaito offered.
Kurou shook his head. "He woke up when Jii-san looked in an hour ago, then when he saw I was already awake, rolled over and said—" Kurou pitched his voice in perfect mimicry of Inspector Hakuba— "'If you're not going to sleep, go with Jii-san and don't make me regret trusting you to stay sane.'"
Kaito smiled ruefully. "Heeeee may have been running on like three hours sleep in the last thirty before we went to bed last night. There was a lot going on."
I won't feel guilty for being the accidental cause for that, sleep-deprived is better than dead.
"Yes." Kurou ducked his head. "It all feels like a dream, but I remember the parts I was awake for, I think. Jii-san's helped. And filled in some of what I missed."
"The past can stay in the past, for right now," Jii said gently, half-turning from the grill. "Would you like breakfast, Sora-kun?"
"Please. Should I wake Steven-kun up? He's kinda taking up half the kotatsu…"
"He is also awake, albeit reluctantly," Saguru interjected, sitting up and smoothing his hair around his glasses. "Good morning, Jii-san, Kuroba-san… or would you prefer we use the name from your identity Jii-san is making?"
"I hadn't set the name yet," Jii replied before Kurou could. "I thought we might discuss it over breakfast, in fact."
Kaito brightened. "Oh, if you haven't, I have an idea about that—Jii-san, do you have any paper?"
Kaito followed Jii's directions to the appropriate drawer in the downstairs office rather than risk disturbing Inspector Hakuba's sleep a second time, and wrote the kanji he'd mentally dubbed Kurou with yesterday. When he returned to the apartment, Jii had moved the food to the kotatsu and Saguru was helping Kurou settle on the cushions. Kaito sat on Kurou's other side across from Jii, and offered the piece of stationery after they started eating.
"So, if it were me, I'd hate for—her—to get the last say in my name associations. It'd be better for a first name since the kanji's more unusual, and that way less people say it aloud, but… here's an alternative to katakana for 'Kurou'."
Kurou accepted the paper and inspected it thoughtfully. "...'Long time' and 'skilled'?"
"Best I could think of off the top of my head, at that point, and it felt appropriate. You get to choose what your skills are now, or at least what they're used toward."
Kurou turned the paper in his fingers, with a faint quirk of his lips that was an infinite improvement on the hopeless smiles he'd had recently. "I admit, I like the idea of stealing it back. If it wouldn't be a problem to use it, Jii-san?"
After some consideration, Jii smiled indulgently and shook his head. "I believe it should be fine, paired with a common surname. Are there any that I should avoid, or that would be easier to respond to naturally?"
Kurou shrugged. "I never used any for long enough to matter."
"Very well. I'll think on it, and offer you and Inspector Hakuba a few names to choose between later today."
The table lapsed into silence for a while, until Jii turned to Kaito and said, "In addition, while I don't know what seemingly-impossible circumstances led you here, since you don't plan to be staying long with us, please don't feel a need to delay discussing your plans on my account. I don't need to know the details," he added at Kaito's blank expression—Poker Face only ever worked so well on Jii, he'd had too much practice reading Dad's more perfect version, after all— "but I thank you for your part in bringing Kurou-kun back to us, and hope you are able to get home."
"What gave us away?" Saguru inquired with an air of resigned amusement. His disguise was mussed from sleep, all things considered, and Kaito's probably wasn't much better—they'd had bigger concerns, and Jii was deceptively easy to feel safe around.
"I have houseplants older than you've been alive, dear boy. I've been doing this a while."
"We appreciate your discretion, then," Saguru replied. "If it's not too much trouble, perhaps I could borrow your shower after breakfast?"
After Jii gave his blessing on their cleaning themselves up, Kurou gave Kaito a sidelong look. "Are you dreaming? I think I've stopped... that part of it."
Kaito hesitated, then sighed.
No one is going to be checking how many people know about this once we're gone, and Kudou might even figure it out on his own just from knowing so many of the important players. And if anyone can keep a secret, it's Jii-chan.
"Not like before. It's back to the normal kind, as normal as we ever get."
Kurou nodded, swallowing another bite of food. He was still eating with the mechanical motions of habit more than appearing to actually process the taste, but at least he was keeping things down. "I was too tired to properly realize the difference until this morning. I'm… glad you're not stuck with them."
"Me too," Kaito replied fervently. The memories of the dreams were still bad, and reliving them was at the bottom of his to-do list forever, but waking up with the overlaid perspective of ruthless, heartless efficiency in his thoughts had been the worst.
As Kurou took another bite, Kaito realized he was favoring their off hand, for a relative degree of 'off' when practiced ambidexterity was involved. "How's your back?"
The pause was long enough for Kurou to be answering truthfully after legitimate consideration, at least. "The stitches are holding, and the pain is tolerable—barely noticeable if I don't move my head too far and stick to using my arms below the elbow. Or if I don't overuse my right arm; it was on that side."
Kurou looked like he was trying to figure out how to phrase another question—probably if Kaito knew anything about the Why of their nightmare connection. Kaito was saved from having to answer that by Inspector Hakuba leaving the bedroom. It had stopped being weird to see Saguru in more casual clothes than a school uniform or heist suit-and-tie, but after seeing Inspector Hakuba in exactly the same suit so many times, the jeans and t-shirt from Kurou's disguise closet was still vaguely bizarre.
He ran his fingers through his hair in a hopeless attempt to neaten the sleep-mussed strands as he approached the kotatsu. "Good morning. Please say there is black tea or coffee available."
The next few minutes of conversation switched to settling the Inspector with food and caffeine, with Saguru trading his seat in favor of going to clean up. Since Jii only had the one tiny space with a shower and sink, Kaito stayed at the kotatsu to wait for his own chance.
After the caffeine had time to kick in, Inspector Hakuba looked to Kurou and, amusingly, asked the same question Kaito had. Less amusingly, Kurou repeated his answer verbatim, which led to bad thoughts about Kurou's past history with assessing wounds until Inspector Hakuba interrupted that disturbing rabbit trail with, "Will you be ready to work with me later today? Jii-san ensured your electronics and the phone Vineyard had been carrying were clean while you were asleep, and as I am required to reconstruct my past investigation from memory I want to begin as soon as possible, with your input on how much detail I deduced correctly."
Kurou dropped his gaze to the table, shoulders shifting through an aborted hunch to a more defeated slump. "I. I'll tell you what I can, people and hierarchy and things people let slip about other missions when I was listening, but I don't—I haven't—please don't make me think about too many job details." There was a crack in his voice, an ungraceful and unmanufactured tremor at the prospect of reliving the past decade and change. "Just knowing it was all real—if I face it head on all at once, I don't—I have to see this through and that means I can't break again, I have to function, and if I think too far in that direction I'd have to draw on what… what I was."
He looked up again at Inspector Hakuba, face tight and drawn and with shadows in his eyes far deeper than what the mess of hair drooping over his forehead could naturally create. "I don't want to be that ever again, so… Please. After, when you have to decide if you're turning me in with the rest, just. Not now. Not yet."
Inspector Hakuba's pinched expression said volumes about his opinion on leaving out informational details. It was understandable, in a way. No access to his old investigation, no access to his accounts, no access to his usual contacts. Just an unstable ex-assassin, the wily old man helping him as much for the sake of said unstable ex-assassin as anything else, and Kudou's sense of justice.
Still, he at least had the sense to not push Kurou beyond his limits.
"Insofar as is possible without compromising the investigation, until it's completed," Inspector Hakuba allowed, if reluctantly, "I won't press for specifics of your activities. If we reach a point that the details are relevant but it affects you…" He set down his drink and massaged along his temples. "We'll negotiate what you can manage at a reasonable timescale. I have no more wish to see your coping methods revert than you do."
Kurou shuddered faintly, and Kaito found himself shivering in empathy.
I used up all my impossible things before breakfast for too many future breakfasts too count. Let's not undo all that work, ignoring that I didn't know that what I was doing was going to MANAGE this at the time...
"I'm certain you can find a balance," Jii said into the silence, since Kurou seemed too exhausted and relieved to reply right away, and Kaito had nothing coherent to contribute aloud. "I'll be working at my desk in the bedroom today, as there's more room to work together in the back office downstairs. Should you require anything, don't hesitate to ask."
He paused, eyeing all three of them, and added, "Though if I may, I also encourage copious breaks to rest. Youth does not substitute for sleep, even more so when injury is involved."
It probably said a lot that despite having each woken up within the past few hours, they were too bone-deep weary to make even a token protest.
Kurou's request to Inspector Hakuba was pulled heavily from Snickerer's contributions, with many thanks for her input on his perspective.
If you enjoyed, please leave a review. For more fic and earlier updates, find me on Archive of Our Own as Ocianne. See you next month!