Disclaimer, I don't own Family Guy.
Inside the Quagmire household, Glenn Quagmire wakes with a splitting headache.
"Oh man, how did I drink last night?" He asks himself as he rubs his temples. He then realizes he is in his own bed. "My God, I don't even remember coming home." He then puts his hand down and feels a lump next to him in his bed.
"Well I must've had some EXTRA fun after Peter's party I guess." He says as he cuddles up to the lump, which feels oddly shaped. The lump moves, revealing to be Brian Griffin who has a hangover equal to Quagmire's.
"Oh God, what the hell happened last night?" Brian asks himself. He then looks around and realizes where he is. "How did I end up at Quag- oh crap." Brian says as he realizes that Quagmire is cuddled up to him.
"Brian?" Quagmire asks in shock.
"Glenn? Are you wearing any…" Brian begins to ask.
"No." Quagmire answers in an embarrassed tone.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" They both scream and cover up on opposite ends of the bed.
"What the hell happened last night?!" Brian asks.
"I don't know! I never would've thought THIS would ever happen!" Quagmire says.
"Well it did, so now what?!" Brian asks.
"I don't know! Usually whenever I bring someone back here they're already gone or I kick 'em out! I can't kick you out, you'll just smell like me! We can't have people knowing about this, they'll laugh at us!" Quagmire explains.
"You're right, but let's just try to keep it down. It's still pretty early and we don't wanna wake anyone up." Brian says.
"Yeah… yeah you're right. Let's just clean up in here and… we'll just forget about it, like it never happened." Quagmire says.
Over the next couple hours, the two of them clean up any evidence that they hooked up and each take a shower.
"Alright, there aren't ANY traces in this house anymore, let's just forget and go on with our lives." Quagmire says.
"Yeah… yeah that's for the best." Brian says as he opens the door. He then notices a DVD that says "Play Me" on it. "Um, Quagmire, you may wanna see this."
Quagmire puts the DVD in and plays it. The video shows amateur footage of Brian and Quagmire stumbling back to Quagmire's house and laughing.
"Oh God, someone knows about us." Quagmire says in shock.
"We gotta figure out who filmed us- oh… wait a minute look at this." Brian notices on the video the Herbert tried to sneak over to the Griffin's backyard only to run away when he sees the camera.
"You know you guys should address that issue with Chris." Quagmire suggests.
"We might as well be talking to a brick wall." Brian replies in a cynical tone.
Later when the coast is clear, Brian makes his way back into the Griffin household.
"Ah, home safe." Brian says in relief as he makes a pot of coffee.
"Have a good time last night, Brian?" Brian turns around to see Stewie smirking at him while filing his nails.
"Um… yeah it was a great party. Probably one of the best birthday parties Lois has thrown for Peter." Brian says nervously.
"Oh really? Well, did you enjoy the fat man's new karaoke machine?" Stewie asks.
"It was fun, Peter has the voice of an angel." Brian says.
"Ha! Liar! Peter didn't get a karaoke machine, he got a 'Say Anything' VHS!" Stewie says while pointing a finger at Brian.
"Stewie, what do you mean?" Brian asks while growing increasingly nervous.
"Who do you think left you that DVD?" Stewie asks while shining an evil grin.
"You left that?" Brian asks.
"Yes I did. That's what you get for leaving me at the party with those morons." Stewie says.
"Hey, come on you have Rupert, and Chris understands you… from time to time." Brian says.
"Brian you know damn well that Rupert and I are going through our issues right now. And Chris… well you know." Stewie says.
"Yeah you're right. Well what's it gonna take for you to keep quiet?" Brian asks.
"You're going to spend the day with me. A day to relax, decompress, and-"
"You want me to take you to the spa, don't you?" Brian bluntly asks.
"Yes, I do. And you're going to enjoy it." Stewie asserts.
Brian sighs and walks to the Prius with Stewie in hand.
Quagmire has spent his day keeping his mind off of anything to do with sex. He has been organizing his garage and maintaining his car.
"Huh, you never realize how much stuff you have in a garage until you actually clean it up." Quagmire says to himself.
He then gets a text from Peter asking if he wants to get drinks at the Drunken Clam.
"You know what, fine. Have a couple beers with Peter, and move on." Quagmire says before texting yes to Peter.
At the Clam, Quagmire sees Peter and Joe sitting in their usual booth.
"Hey there's Quagmire." Peter says waving.
"Hey guys, how are you doing today?" Quagmire says, trying to hide his nervousness.
"We're good, Bonnie and I are planning a date night. We're going to this fancy new Italian restaurant, opening up next week." Joe says to Quagmire.
"Joe, Bertucci's is a chain restaurant. It's not fancy." Quagmire explains.
"WELL I THINK A RESTAURANT WITH A WINE MENU IS FANCY!" Joe screams while slamming his fists on the table.
"Easy, Joe. Calm down, let's have a drink." Peter says, calling his friends down.
"What'll you guys have?" Jerome asks, walking over to the booth.
"Hair of the dog that bit me, Jerome." Peter answers, causing Quagmire to feel uneasy.
When Jermome comes back with the beers, Quagmire chugs his beer down.
"Jeez, Quagmire. I'm surprised you can drink so quickly after last night." Peter comments.
"What do you mean after last night?" Quagmire asks nervously.
"You know how you were at the party last night, what?" Peter answers, trying to calm his friend down.
"Well it's just…" Quagmire pretends to check his phone for a message. "Hey sorry to drink and run but o have to… feed my cats again." Quagmire rushes out of the Clam.
"What's his problem?" Jerome asks. Peter and Joe give each other a look and smirk.
Quagmire rushes home to find Brian at his front door, both of them look exhausted and uneasy.
"What are you doing here, Brian?" Quagmire asks.
"I can't take it! This secret is eating me up! We have to confess! We'll feel better if we do!" Brian pleads.
"How is everyone gonna react?!" Quagmire asks. "What if they think we're freaks?!"
"Quagmire, I've had sex with your dad. You've had sex with Joe. And we're BOTH guilty of hitting on Lois." Brian explains. "A drunken mistake probably wouldn't shock them."
"Oh you're right. I hate to admit it, but you are." Quagmire says. "Let's just calm down, compose ourselves, and go over there."
The Griffin household is all watching TV when Brian and Quagmire walk in.
"There you are Brian, I haven't seen you all day." Lois says, turning off the TV.
"Um Lois, there's something we need to tell you." Brian says.
"You see Lois, sometimes Brian and I have made decisions we're not proud, and last-"
"You two got drunk and had sex." Lois bluntly states, much to the shock of Brian and Quagmire.
"You… you knew?" Brian asks.
"Of course we did. We saw you two leave together. You didn't leave quietly, and you didn't knock boots quietly either." Lois explains.
"Well, what do we do now?" Quagmire asks.
"You guys will just have to live with it and move on. I've made mistakes myself and live with it." Lois explains.
"Yeah we're all human, we're not perfect." Peter adds.
"Well that's a relief, guys. Thanks." Quagmire says.
"Sure, say why don't we all watch a movie." Peter says, inviting Brian and Stewie to sit on the couch. Brian sits next to Stewie who smirks at him.
"Stewie, if you knew that everyone else knew, why did you film us, and make me take you to the spa?" Brian asks.
"Because, Brian, you're MY dog. Quagmire can't have you. Besides I said earlier that I was disappointed that you abandoned me." Stewie says.
"I guess that makes sense." Brian says. Everyone then turns their attention back to the TV.
We now return to Joker 2: Arkham Boogaloo
The End
I hope you all enjoyed reading this crazy story. It's not typical of me to write Family Guy, but I wanted to try writing for a different cartoon. I'm in a mild creative rut with my Spongebob and KND stories right now, wanted to shake things up.