Merlin was getting concerned. It wasn't the fact that he and Arthur had kissed at least three times now, but it was the way Arthur was treating him. Arthur had always treated Merlin badly, he didn't mean to, he was raised by an ass who ignored him unless he was beating something or someone up, and then got praised for that. So, it wasn't Arthur's fault that he didn't know how to have a friend, Merlin accepted that. But it was now the way Arthur smiled at him, or reached for him, or wanted to spend time with him, which shouldn't be a bad thing. But it scared Merlin because this isn't how it's supposed to go, Arthur needed to marry Gwen. Which is why, after some prodding from Morgana who was probably up to something evil...which Merlin wasn't going to even begin to deal with right now, he had convinced Arthur to spend the afternoon with Gwen. He just needed time to remember that he was in love with her, not Merlin, even if that did hurt Merlin a little bit. He wasn't kidding though, about what he said when he was drunk, he really did know he was destined to be alone. That was alright, just as long as Arthur did what he was supposed to do, he needed an heir to the throne, Merlin couldn't give him that. Not to mention Gwen would be a way better queen than Merlin, who would be a...well, a secret. That's how Merlin lived his life...with secrets.

Knowing all this didn't make Merlin any less irritated at the idea of what they might be doing together for all this time, alone, out in the woods. He didn't want to think about it, he tried very hard not to, but even so, he was. He was sitting at Gaius' table, trying to eat lunch but he just couldn't do that either. He couldn't get the thought of Arthur kissing her out of his mind, and as he thought about it, slowly the image of Gwen turned into himself and he got angry and threw a roll across the room, mad at himself for being so dumb.

"You're meant to be eating your food, not throwing it, Merlin," said Gaius, from his spot by the fire he had made, which he sat reading a book next to. He closed it and looked over at Merlin with his judging eyebrow. "What's the matter with you?"

"Arthur is out for a picnic with Gwen," said Merlin and Gaius just looked at him, as if he were stupid. "Which is good...they love each other, they should do things together, but-"

"You're jealous?" questioned Gaius and Merlin felt offended by that idea.

"No!" he retorted angry. Gaius' eyebrow went even higher on his forehead then. "I'm not jealous!"

"Then why are you throwing your roll?"

"I just...feel, I don't know..." Merlin fumbled with his words. "Like maybe I am pushing him too hard to marry Gwen, but I know he loves her...but just because he loves her, does that mean he couldn't love another as well?"

"It isn't your concern," said Gaius then, pointedly. "Density or none, you have no right to pick Arthur's wife. That is Arthur's choice, if you like her or not. If it is Gwen or not."

"I know he can choose whoever he wants, but-"

"Do you know that, Merlin?" asked Gaius still rather pointedly. "Because it does not really seem like you do...it seems to me as if you think you can control his life just because you are destined to protect it."

"I'm not trying to control him!" argued Merlin, he was feeling offended again. "I only want what's best for him!"

"I know you do...and I know your heart is in the right place, but you have to let him figure out what's best for him first," said Gaius much softer now. "Before you can want it for him."

Merlin got up after this, leaving his lunch behind, it was awful soup anyway. Gaius needed a cooking lesson. He wasn't really offended by Gaius' words, he knew he was right in one way or another. Merlin just didn't know why he felt so torn about Arthur spending time with Gwen, he thought this would be better for all of them. Merlin knew one thing for sure, without doubt, he had let his feelings for Arthur cloud his judgment. Now Merlin had just started walking, and honestly he didn't know where he was going at first, until from the corridor of the fourth flour he saw Arthur climbing the stairs to the castle alone and Merlin headed to his chambers then, to meet him there. He wanted to know how it went with Gwen, he thought maybe if it went well it would make him, himself, feel better...or worse, he wasn't sure yet. Either way, Merlin beat Arthur to his rooms and waited there for a few minutes before Arthur had come in. When he walked in, he looked surprised to see Merlin there.

"Were you waiting for me?" he remarked with a smirk. Arthur's quick return was due to the fact that he had a knight training in just a little bit from now. He took off the brown jacket he had been wearing and threw it onto his bed, as he walked deeper into his room. They really didn't have much time to waste, but Merlin wanted to know how his afternoon with Gwen went.

"No," he retorted quickly and Arthur's smirk grew.

"Shame..." he said, offhanded. "I thought you were."

Merlin waited a beat, and watched as Arthur changed from a nicer tunic to an older one, which would be under his armor. "Why would I want to wait for you?"

"I don't know..." said Arthur and Merlin sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"Well," he said, trying to sound more offhanded than he actually was. Because he wasn't offhanded at all, he was very seriously concerned about Arthur's outing. "I was kind of wondering how your afternoon with Gwen went."

Arthur stopped the changing of his clothes and gave Merlin a questioning look. "Why do you care?"

"Because she is my friend?" offered Merlin in return, and that was a lie. Not that they weren't friends, but that was not why he cared. "And you're you...I'm trying to make sure you didn't offend her or something."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "It was fine," he said, and then frowned and added, "It went good...if that is what you wanted to be nosy about."

"Did you talk?" Merlin ignored the insult.

"Yes," retorted Arthur. "Did you think we just sat silently eating grapes? Of course we talked!"

"Did you kiss her?"

Arthur's eyes grew wide at this question, and he only stared at Merlin for a long moment after he had asked it, and as soon as Merlin had asked he he thought he really shouldn't have. "No..." said Arthur, after a very long time and Merlin thought he was probably lying.

After this Merlin didn't ask anymore questions and instead helped Arthur get ready for his training, they left together afterward, but Merlin didn't follow Arthur outside to the field like he normally did. Instead, he sort of just aimlessly walked around again, not sure what to do. Merlin was used to Arthur being short with him and not telling him things, but eventually he always got it out of him, but he seemed odd about his afternoon with Gwen, as if he wasn't sure how much, if anything at all, he should tell Merlin. Why? because he thought Merlin would be jealous? Merlin sighed and aimlessly continued through the halls of the castle. After a bit he found himself in front of Morgana's door, not that he really wanted to be there, or meant to be there, but it just sort of happened. The door was slightly ajar and Merlin walked closer to it, hearing Morgana's voice traveling from inside her rooms. Merlin took any opportunity to try and catch Morgana doing something evil, yet every time he did he could never tell Arthur. It was stupid, she was stupid...why did she have to go against them again? Oh right, because of Uther, and Merlin understood that, he really did. But what she didn't understand was that Arthur wasn't Uther and it didn't have to be like this forever, and she was putting magic users back several steps by just...being herself.

"Tell me what happened!" Morgana was saying, in a would-be sweet voice.

"Nothing," said Gwen's voice after this and it almost surprised Merlin to hear Gwen, but Gwen still did think that Morgana was their friend. "We just sat, ate grapes."

"Did you talk to him at all?"

"Yes, we talked about things..." Gwen sighed then, kind of sounding tired. "I'm just not sure how to feel now."

"What do you mean?" Morgana was asking.

"Well, we talked...but it was strange because all he really talked about is this fantasy he has of running away and he and Merlin owning a farm together," Gwen was explaining. "And during this I wondered why exactly Merlin would be going with him, and I wanted to ask...but the idea seemed to please him so much I didn't want to ruin it for him."

"Oh Gwen," said Morgana then, and she almost sounded like she used to. Like an actual good person. "You're so sweet."

"What do you mean?"

"I think we have all known it for a long time and just ignored it," Morgana was saying now. "Arthur is obviously in love with him."

"Who?" asked Gwen, confused now. "Merlin? I always wondered that, they're very close...but I had hoped-"

"I think he does care for you," said Morgana. "But with Merlin around no one will ever truly take his heart."

"I wouldn't want to stand in their way. Arthur deserves to be happy, with whoever he wishes...even if it isn't me."

"I don't think you should give up, there are always ways-"

Merlin stopped listening now, because he was sure Morgana was going to try to convince Gwen to plot Merlin's death, or get him thrown out of Camelot, and neither of those two things were ever going to happen. So, instead of being worried about this, he worried more about the first part of their conversation. Morgana thought Arthur was in love with him? Gwen had wondered if it were true? And Merlin wondered now, was it true? Part of him, like Morgana, thought it might be, but other parts of him worried if it were true, and what that would mean...and if Arthur would ever admit it. Of course he knew they both knew something was there, and hadn't it always been? But Love? Was it really...? Merlin had to deal with and take a lot of things here, and he would, for Arthur, always. But shouldn't Merlin at least have the right to know how Arthur felt? Even if it didn't matter and even if they could never be together, Merlin still had a right to know rather than wonder for the rest of his life...right?!

Merlin was annoyed now, he stomped his way down several flights of stairs until he reached the outside, in the field Arthur was training in. Except no one was there. Instead, Arthur and the Knights had all gathered inside, as night fall approached, and they changed together in the Knights quarters. By the time Merlin had gotten there most of the men had filed out. A few stuck around, Leon had, to talk to Arthur about something Knight related. Merlin marched in and looked at both of them seriously as he did.

"Hi Leon," said Merlin, as nicely and as not irritated as Merlin could be in the moment. Leon grinned at him either way. "Do you mind if I have a word with Arthur alone?"

"Of course, he's all yours. Goodnight, Sire...Merlin," said Leon. Picking up a bloody sword as he walked out, and Merlin swore he wouldn't bother asking about that now. Leon left and Arthur looked at Merlin strangely.

"What was that about?"

Merlin took pause for a long moment, just looking at him, Arthur looked back confused. Merlin was so fixated on the idea that Arthur might be in love with him, and so fixated on demanding to know the truth that he actually had no idea what he had wanted to say or how to ask it. So, it made perfect sense in Merlin's mind, at least for that moment alone, that instead of asking Arthur straight out, he just pushed Arthur against the stone wall behind him and kissed him hard on the mouth.

(A/N: New drinking game! Take a shot every time I say "Afternoon with Gwen" you'll be tipsy in no time! ;) I hope you enjoyed!)