A/N: Well its the Christmas chapter! I know I could've saved these holdiay chapters for the holidays but I had like...nothing to post in between. As usual, I don't own glee or any songs or lyricsThis chapter's song is by All Time Low and I implore you to listen to it and have a good laugh.TW: Suicide Self Harm are botje present in this chapter. skip the flashback to avoid.
Chapter 16: Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass
"Santana! It's Christmas Season!" Brittany squealed, wrapping her arms around the shorter girl's neck. Brittany was in a red sweatshirt with Rudolph on the front, antlers on her head.
"Britt, Thanksgiving was four days ago." Santana said, carefully organizing her locker.
"But it's Christmas time!" Brittany pouted "I brought you a hat."
"I am not wearing a Santa hat." Santana crossed her arms and leaned against her locker.
"You're Santana Claus." Brittany didn't let up her pout.
"Brittany we talked about this. I don't like Christmas." Santana played with the strings on her plain black hoodie. She had pulled a baggy Nirvana shirt she'd stolen from Brittany over it. She'd paired it with acid wash black jeans and black high top vans. It was as un-christmas as she could get.
"I know but you told me you'd let me try to change that." the blonde laced her fingers with Satana's.
"Not today, okay? How about tomorrow we get to school really early and I let you decorate my locker?" the Latina attempted to get the pout to dissappear.
"Deal." Brittnay smiled and kissed the Latina on the cheek before they went to class.
They met in Glee club at the end of the day and Santana was glaring at the word "XMAS" scrawled in bold on the board.
"Of course you would hate Christmas." Artie said rolling in and seeing the grimace on the girl's face.
"Roll yourself off a cliff, Wheels." she barked back.
"Santana be nice." Brittany scolded.
"I have a good reason." she growled quietly.
"And what's that hot stuff?" Sam said slipping into the other seat next to her.
"None of your beeswax Trouty Mouth." Santana sighed "I like ya blondie. Don't mess it up."
"You heard the girl Sammy. Back off." Mercedes said, the boy trotting back like an obedient dog. Britrnay winked at Mercedes: they both had their partners WHIPPED.
"Alright Glee club, Christmas is coming up as is our Winter Showcase." Mr.Schue leaned against the grand piano.
"And do I have to smile?" Santana quipped.
"Yes Santana. If that's a problem, see me after class." Mr.Schue said continuing to explain the ins and outs of what their showcase would entail. Throughout the explanation, Santana ground her teeth, Brittany playing with her fingers absent-mindedly. By the time Mr.Schue finished talking the majority of the club was bouncing ideas back and forth. Brittany held onto her hand while talking to Sam and Mercedes. Santana continued to stare off, uninterested, until Mr.Schue came to a stop in front of her.
"Come to my office?" the teacher asked, and Santana looked at Brittany who squeezed her hand, letting her nervously follow the teacher.
"What's up?" Santana asked, fidgeting uncomfortably in the seat across from the curly haired teacher.
"I was wondering why you're so opposed to Christmas." he asked.
"I'm not really comfortable sharing my reasons." she pulled at the loose strings of her jacket cuffs.
"Is there anyway you can cheer up about it? Brittany seems excited." Mr.Schue wondered.
"There's one song I enjoy…" she smirked mischievously.
"Well I have to approve it if you want it in the showcase." he looked at her questioningly.
"I don't want it in the showcase. I'll be singing tomorrow Schue. And as far as the showcase, keep me by B and in long sleeves and I'll cooperate." Santana got up and went to sit next to Brittany, smiling happily.
"You look happier." the blonde chirped.
"I am B. Let's get our Christmas on!" Santana smiled happily.
The next day the club sat anxiously awaiting Santana's performance. She walked in, wearing a Santa hat provide by Brittany with her All Time Low denim jacket and black pants and a t-shirt. She handed the band the music and broke into song. She hit the chorus and her energy really started to show.
"Well, I hope you're happy with yourself cause I'm not laughing don't ya think it's kinda crappy what ya did this holiday.
When I gave you my heart you tore it apart like wrapping paper trash.
So I wrote you song, hope that you sing along and it goes Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass!" she smiled and slapped a picture of her father and the boy she'd hated on the board. It was clear she was singing to them, and for Santana, it was cathartic. The song made it seem like she had liked the relationship. And truthfully, she did miss her father. She'd always been a daddy's girl. When she came to the end the song she tore the picture to shreds. Brittany jumped up happily and hugged her, kissing her hard.
"I won't ever abuse your heart. You know that right?" the blonde stared into chocolate eyes.
"I know babe. That's why I love you." Santana whispered softly.
As the week came to a close, the Glee Club was really feeling the pressure to pull off a fantastic performance in just two weeks. For Santana, it meant hours at the piano. He'd struck a deal that she'd play piano for the showcase since he really needed Brittany dancing with Mike. She'd frowned at the idea, but trusted Mike to take care of her girl. Mr.Schue had given her the sheet music for the final setlist to practice over the weekend. So while Brittany bustled about her house with Ali and Diego decorating, she played them tunes to whistle to while they worked. Asher, who was starting to get bigger, hid below the piano bench to sleep while the house was full of commotion. She couldn't blame him as she watched them barely manage to keep the tree standing in corner of the room. She wouldn't want to be Asher's size and risk getting crushed. Despite the festive energy in the house and her growing excitement for the showcase, she couldn't help the twisting feeling in her gut as the anniversary of her attempt approached. She knew the nightmares were coming, they were unavoidable. Her memories of those days were so vivid, they would haunt her for the rest of her life. She looked down at her hands as she played and caught sight of her scars where her shirt sleeves has rolled up slightly. She breathed deeply and let out a sigh when Asher put his chin on her knee. She scratched behind his ears and smiled sadly at him. At just under forty pounds he was about half the size he'd be when he was full grown. She couldn't wait for her big guard dog to be all grown up.
"Tana, what up with the silence?" Diego called from across the room.
"I'm busy petting the most handsome dog to ever bless the Earth." she laughed.
"Asher is totally our son. Only our kid could be that hot." Brittany added making Santana laugh harder.
"Whatever. I wants my tunes." Diego complained.
"Oh shush. Mi nina don't listen to him. El stupido." Ali addressed Santana. Diego glared at his mom, and Santana just shook her head, getting back to playing.
By the time the whole house was decorated, even Asher had been dressed up, wearing a reindeer costume that he looked absolutely adorable in. There were light strung all around the house, the tree sparkled in the corner and the fire place was crackling. Up in Santana's room, Brittany had wrapped tussle around her bed posts and sat a reindeer on her desk. There was even a miniature tree on one of the nightstands. Santana had to admit that her girlfriend brought out the good in the season. As they cuddled in bed that Saturday evening, Santana told her as much before shutting her eyes to remember a very different Christmas.
One Year Ago, Christmas Day
"WHY is he here?" Santana asked when her ex and his parents walked through the door Christmas morning.
"Because he loves you Santanita. He wanted to spend Christmas with you." her mother calmly explained.
"Mami I told you we broke up." the younger Latina pointed out.
"That's not what happened." the boy said. Santana glared at him, daring him to lie.
"You told me you wanted to break up, but I said no. I convinced you to stay." he smiled sickeningly sweet and Santana gagged.
"It doesn't matter if you agreed or not. He is a man and as your parents we expect you to treat him with respect as a lady." her father squeezed her shoulder.
"Fine. I'll go change out of my pajamas." she stomped up the stairs, her abuela hurrying after her.
"You should just indulge them Santanita." she advised, closing the bedroom door behind her.
"He raped me abuela. I shouldn't have to face him. He should be in jail." Santana argued, pulling out her Christmas dress.
"Si, I know mi nina. But please, try to pretend just for today." the older woman begged.
"For you Abuela. Feliz Navidad, si?" Santana forced a fake smile.
"Feliz Navidad Santanita. I'll leave you to change." her abuela left and Santana took her time tracing her scars before pulling on the tight dress. It itched and burned where it pressed against fresh wounds but she prevailed, pulling her tights up and slipping into her red flats. She sighed sadly at herself in the mirror. She felt bloated from her recent miscarriage, her eyes were dull and has deep purple bags below them. She dragged herself down the stairs regardless and sat with everyone as minimal gifts were traded as was usual. Following tradition, Miguel, the boy of her nightmares, gave her a necklace just as their parents did. She vowed to destroy it.
Miguel invited himself up to her room that afternoon while the adults had tea. She lay completely still when he violated her this time. With her reacting so little he grew bored quickly and left after using her for a few rounds of measly pleasure. He made sure to tell her of her inadequacies before leaving the room. She only emerged for her room to eat Christmas dinner after the guests had left. Her parents shamed her thoroughly for her misbehavior. She went upstairs with a quiet apology. She didn't wake until midday the next morning, her parents long gone to work. Abuela would be gone as well, occupied with knitting club or something of the like until later in the evening. She felt numb as she ate her breakfast of pancakes, her final meal. Even they lacked any real flavor. She blindly went back up the stairs and sat on her bed staring out the window. The bare branches of the oak tree gave her little comfort or how for life. The picture of Emmy in the corner made things worse, as did her homecoming picture with Miguel. She grabbed her notebook and tore a page from it, making sure it was neatly torn before writing what she needed to say.
Dear Mami, Papi and Abuela,I know you think you love me, but if this were true I would matter to you more than Miguel. I would matter more than your perfect image. But you know I do not. And for this reason my heart is hollow since I said goodbye to Emmy. She was my only true friend, and she showed me love that no other ever has. Miguel raped me. You should have believed me and not blamed me. I am a victim of his abuse and yours. You have hit me Papi, I know now this could never be out of love. Mami, you forced me to be the perfect daughter when I could barely breathe. Abuela, you told me to indulge them. No one cared about me. I have been in pain since the day Emmy left. I have lost all hope and belief in miracles. There is nothing left in my life but mundane tasks to please you and abuse at your hands. I am mocked at school, endorsed by Miguel. He does not love me and neither do you. If I have no love, what do I live for? Only to support your perfect image. Well, I am tired of holding up your pedestals. I'm gay and that is never going away. Seeing as you will kill for being this way, I'll save you the trouble.I love you. I wish you loved me.Santana Marie Lopez
She left the note on the center of her desk and walked into her ensuite bathroom. She grabbed the razor blade from the counter and filled the tub. She didn't bother with removing her pajamas. She traced her older scars gently, cherishing the way the skin was raised and discolored, Emmy's name on display. She spent what could've been minutes or hours inspecting her damaged skin. She watched the way the light reflected off the blade, and without a further thought of her life to come, she cut it short.
She didn't know where she was when she woke up. She saw a bright light and hoped for heaven or even hell. But when she realized she was strapped down to light. hospital bed her hopes were lost. She thrashed against the straps holding her down, blinking against the blinding light.
"WHO the hell thought it was okay to save me? Why'd you save me! I WANT to die!" she screamed as her vision, blurry as always, cleared enough for her to make out a face.
"Go go?" she blinked up at him and he nodded, tears falling from his eyes, following paths already carved. She had never seen Diego cry before.
"Mami? Papi? Abuela?" she asked, but Diego shook his head as Tia Ali came to his side. "I was right." she mumbled.
"Tana, we're going to take care of you, ya hear me?" Diego said "I am not letting you leave this Earth. You're more than my prima you're my hermanita."
"Si, mi hermano" Santana blinked lazily. Diego slid glasses on to her face, realizing the issues.
"You're going to live with us now." Tia Ali said "Family should love one another. We love you Santanita."
"Te amo Tia." she mumbled tiredly "Can I move yet?"
"Let me ask your doctor." she peaked out of the room and the doctor came in, leaving her hands cuffed to the rails.
"I suppose this is the best I get?" she mumbled.
"You're still on a 24 hour watch. Surprised they let us in here." Diego muttered.
"I'm a Lopez. They don't care if I'm estranged, I get special treatment." Santana shrugged.
"Why'd ya do it Tana?" Diego asked.
"Emmy left. I was ready to follow." she said simply.
"I'm glad you're here." Diego said.
"I'm not" Santana groaned "I'm going back to sleep. Maybe I won't wake up this time. Te amo Diego."
"Te amo Tana…"
Present day, two weeks to Christmas
"Santana wake up, Santana!" Brittany shook the muttering and tremb no one Latina. Asher jumped up on the bed and kicked her face. Santana squirmed and finally her eyes opened as Asher landed a heavy paw on her chest.
"Get off me!" she screamed, throwing herself from the bed to the floor. She dragged herself to the corner of the room, rocking back and forth.
"Santana it's just me. It's Brittany."
"Make it stop. Red. Red. Red." she repeated. Diego came crashing through the door, Ali on his heels, both slowing when they saw the Latina in the corner.
"Shit." Diego said.
"Tana, it's go go. Your hermano." he whispered softly, kneeling in front of her.
"Go go?" she asked softly.
"Yeah hermanita." he scooped her into a hug, the girl softening and sobbing loudly. After a minute, calming down just slightly she stuttered out.
"B…br...brit." she sniffled.
"I'm right here darling." the dancer gatherd the girl in her arms, Asher resting a chin on her stomach. She pet him slowly, her tears coming to an end.
"That's good Santana" Ali said. The smaller Latina smiled softly and opened her eyes.
"I had a nightmare." she stated, and the room nodded.
"It's not going to be the last." Ali said.
"I know. But I can get through it with all of you." she said sleepily.
Santana's nightmare recurred daily, sometimes having small results or full breakdowns. Brittnay had bene staying with her overnight for the duration. At school, the Latina managed to keep up surprisingly well, her pain skills more than ready for the showcase. The showcase came faster than anyone could have predicted, and Santana kept up well with the fast pace of classic songs being performed. She kept a smile on her face the whole time, even taking the chance to glance at the brilliant dance moves that Mike and Brittany had choreographed. She couldn't help the way her heart swelled seeing her girl glide effortlessly through the moves.
In the past two weeks, Santana had indulged all of Brittany's Christmas wishes. They'd gone ice skating, made snow angels, built a snow family, visited Santa Claus in the mall and baked more cookies than Santana could ever remember. Luckily, the cookies sold well at the Christmas showcase, leaving just enough for them and Santa and his reindeer. With the end of the showcase came Winter Break and Santana couldn't be happier. Christmas Eve she let Brittnay fill the whole day with a Christmas movie marathon, snacking on Christmas cookies and caramel corn, Diego and Ali even joining in later in the evening. She made sure Brittany heard the click clack of reindeer hooves on the roof and Santana munching on cookies before letting the girl sleep peacefully in preparation for Christmas day. She'd slept through the night without a nightmare for the first time in two weeks and it made her smile all the bigger. The Pierces joined them at the Lopez household bearing gifts and donuts. Santana skipped the gifts and went straight for the food, gaining happily as she ate her chocolate donut. Gifts of clothes were given to older kids, and Olivia was surrounded by every stuffed animal a kid could dream of. The parents got mugs and homemade gifts of coupon books and photographs. Santana gifted and especially nice photograph of everyone on Thanksgiving to both the Pierces and Tia Ali, bringing on joyous tears and hugs she tried to get out of unsuccessfully. While wrapping paper was being cleaned up downstairs, Santana managed to sneak Brittany away for a moment to give her her gift. She'd embroidered her guitar strap with her name and hearts full of SB. Even little paw prints were scattered amongst the design. Brittany gave her something that meant the world to her. A locket necklace with her picture inside it and their initials engraved on it.
"Did you know he gave me a necklace last Christmas and I threw it in a fire?" she asked
"No, I'm sorry. Does it bring up bad memories. I can knit you a scarf." Brittany said hastily.
"Britt I love it. You replaced the bad memory, don't worry. The best gift I could've asked for is for the memories of last Christmas to be wiped away, and you did so much more. You replaced them with beautiful memories and hope for the years to come." Santana kissed Brittnay softly. "I love you so much."
"Te amo Santana."
With Christmas gone, came New Years. Ali hosted a less than sober New Years party for the Glee Club, on the condition that no one drove and they all stayed there that night. After the amazing birthday party and Halloween party, she received few complaints about a party that would be even better with liquor. They set off legal fireworks in the backyard, running around with sparklers. Santana and Brittany spent most of the night cuddled by the fire pit with Asher at their feet, watching their friends goof off.
"You know, this year started off really horrible." Santana sighed "But then, I met you, and it was like I went from seeing in black and white to seeing in vibrant color."
"I have to say Santana, I feel the same. I was down and out and on my way to failing out of school at the age of fifteen. But then this new girl showed up, and suddenly, I had a real friend for the first time. And in her I found my one true love." Brittany kissed Santana's forehead.
"You took me to a treehouse and got me to sing for the world. You made me feel beautiful for the first time ever. You brought me a best friend in yourself and in Asher." The Latina smiled.
"You showed me the stars and healed my wounds. You made me feel less alone in my struggles and carried my pain with me. Together we are both so much stronger." the blonde rubbed their noses together.
"Without you, I would've just fallen down the same path I was on. But instead, I found a warm hand in mine, shouldering the struggle together." the brunette's eyes sparkled in the fire light.
"I've never felt more alive than I am when I'm with you. You make me whole." the dancer kissed Santana softly. They were called inside for the countdown to the ball dropping and when the clock struck midnight, Santana pulled Brittany into a long and passionate kiss, not caring who saw or what anyone thought. Because for the first time in her life, Santana wasn't only happy, but she finally had hope for the future.
A/N: and a happy new year! to the reviewer who wanted a better in sight into Santana's mind when she attempted, I hope this fulfilled that wish! I can touch on her attempt again into the future, but to be honest, I am trying to cheer up this fic from point forward. I also try to avoid the graphic imagery as much as possible for your sake as a reader and mine as a writer. see you as the glee club gets ready for regionals!