A/N: A couple things: 1.all trigger warnings apply, and 2. I did research for the service dog but if I fucked up please attack me. Don't own glee or MCR or the beautiful Demi Lovato.song is by My Chemical Romance
Chapter 20:I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
After their first night together, things seemed to be going well for both Santana and Brittany. They attended therapy together Saturday morning to discuss (in a little detail) the progress they made and to make sure they had an open forum for any emotional wounds that may have been opened, but it seemed that they both had been able to put the past aside in favor of love. Their therapist applauded their efforts, the two were absolutely lovesick and she was almost jealous. After that they spent the weekend together, much more innocently than Friday night. They went to the movies, had dinner together and Brittany cooked Santana breakfast in bed Sunday morning. They went to the dog park with a growing Asher and Sunday evening had a Lopez-Pierce dinner with all of their family. What they didn't expect was their perfect happy bubble to be unceremoniously popped Monday morning.
"Brittany, is it true you testified in a court case?" JBI shoved his microphone towards the blonde who ignored him turning to her locker.
"According to my sources, one Brittany S. Pierce testified last week in a case that put a man who raped her in jail. However, the man claims he was falsely accused. Do you care to comment Brittany?" JBI badgered, Brittany's fist balled up at her sides, begging to take a swing at the idiot. But Sue's words against violence rang in her ears, so she slammed her locker shut on the microphone causing a painful static to ring through the hallway. She walked away, too bothered to wait for Santana like she usually did. The girl was still terrified by the crowds of the school.
Santana was walking in when she saw the commotion around her and Brittany's lockers. The static shocked her out of her stone cold state, and when the crowd dispersed, the only person by their lockers was JBI pulling on his microphone to free it from Brittany's locker.
"Get lost" Santana growled, and JBI, convinced she was some form of undead monster, scampered off. She quickly gathered her things and headed to class, glad to see Brittany already sitting there. She slid into her seat beside the blonde when she noticed something was wrong. The girl was absentmindedly scratching at her thigh incessantly. "Britt?"
"Huh?" the blonde answered in a daze.
"You feeling okay? You're doing it again." Santana laid a hand on a paler one stopping the movement.
"Sorry. I'm...honestly JBI announcing my crap to the whole school really got to me. Who knows what else he'll dig up, on both of us?" Brittany sighed "He's going to find out everything San."
"Ev..everything?" she asked shakily.
"I'm so sorry. They didn't even release the case to the news stations because of its nature but he picked it up. He's not going to stop until the schools in a feeding frenzy- and the glee club is the sharkbait. Santana trembled in her seat. She pulled out her phone and texted her Aunt to do everything she and Mrs.Pierce could to seal any records at Lima General about the girls along with the Columbus ICU for herself. She doubts JBI is that thorough, but her aunts assurance gets her through the day. But when they walk into Glee Club and the entire club is whispering, before turning to stare at them blankly, they have a feeling things have gotten much much worse.
"Everyone quiet down. I hear the rumors too, but let's give Santana and Brittany the privacy they should've been afforded." Mr.Schue said, finally seeming semi-intelligent.
"But Mr.Schue, if we know the truth we can help them tear down these outrageous rumors." Rachel interjected and Quinn felt Santana's eyes bore into the back of her head, pleading for her to stop her girlfriend.
"Berry's got a point, if my girls would just explain I'd feel a whole lot better." Mercedes said and Santana just closed her eyes and let her hair fall over her face. A decision was going to be made for her.
"I'd certainly like to hear the truth." Artie smirked from his corner, earning him a slap in the back of the head from Tina, who valiantly argued against the club. But it was of no use, as Santana found herself stood in front of the club like a new car.
"Tell us what you heard and we'll clear it up." Brittany said, sounding incredibly bored. Santana knew that meant she was holding herself together for her.
"Well, did you testify in a rape case?" Blaine asked, and Santana didn't miss the worried glance Kurt gave towards the girls.
"Yes. Against a man who took advantage of me when I was young." Brittany said stoically.
"So it's true, he raped you?" Finn said carelessly.
"Watch your words Hudson. And yes." Brittany cringed.
"Well, the other rumors are kinda about Santana too, is she going to answer?" Rachel piped up.
"Honestly Berry, if you don't keep your trap shut I don't see how I'm meant to get a word in." Santana said defensively. Snixx was ready to play ball.
"Okay well, uh, JBI says he has hospital reports saying you were taken in after a suicide attempt." Sam said and Santana gave him a glare that showed her massive disappointment in the boy she'd trusted.
"That's true." Santana left her words hanging.
"On Christmas?" Tina asked, before covering her mouth, ashamed she was joining the questioning line.
"Yes, Tina, on Christmas. Look all of you scared to ask or trying to be my friend, let it rip so I can clear the damn air and figure out what the hell this entire school knows about me." Santana snapped.
"Are you sure you want that Santana?" Quinn squeaked quietly, having been silent so far.
"Just tell us Q" Brittany sighed.
"Well, he says he has hospital records of both of you self harming severely. That Santana slit her wrists. That her parents disowned her because she was gay. That she too was raped, but her parents didn't care. That she lost a friend to cancer and has her name scarred on her arm. That you, Brittany, had and abortion." Quinn silenced. She had said it all. Santana looked to Brittany during the last one. She shook her head.
"Most of that is true, however, I didn't have an abortion or fall pregnant." Brittany sighed.
"I did." Santana looked out at the club "I fell pregnant the first time I was raped and my parents beat me to the point of a miscarriage. The second time was when I arrived at this school. Plan B did the trick." her voice shook as she continued "I did slit my wrists and I did attempt suicide. My friend's name is on my arm and she did lose a battle to cancer. And yes, my parents disowned me. Which you all know. I've been officially adopted by my aunt who loves me. Brittany and I are both survivors, and if you have any decency, I know we are not alone in this room. Stand with us because this shit is real and devastating and you have no idea how far being forced to relive this through gossip is going to be for us." Santana broke at her last word, sinking to the floor in silent sobs. She felt a second presence beside her and knew Quinn had taken to standing by their side.
"Quinnie, you don't have to tell them." Rachel pleaded and Santana patted the girls foot in agreement. No more painful stories needed to be out in the open.
"Shit." Finn said suddenly, his chair falling over and startling Santana. Stuck in the door was a signature JBI microphone. The boy shoved the door open and from the blood curtling scream, it slammed right into the face of gossip monger. Finn shouted obscenities and threatened him to take down the stories. Santana finally saw the slight appeal of the doofus. He stood up for his friends. The squeal of Artie's wheels told her the geek was going to go destroy the evidence and she couldn't help but breathe a shaky sigh of semi-relief. She stood up and Brittany and Quinn sandwiched her in a hug. For once, she felt calm in the usually suffocating sandwich embrace.
"Are you okay?" Brittany whispered.
"Honestly, no, I'm not okay. I promise." Santana said. The words rolled of her tongue and she suddenly needed to sing. She made as much clear to her two huggers.
"Mr.Schue?" Quinn looked at the teacher who wasn't sure how to handle the situation "Could Santana...or maybe the three of us sing something?"
"Ummm, sure but I need to deal with that." he pointed to the hallway.
"Go." Brittany assured. The teacher scurried from the room, clearly more uncomfortable than worried about discipline.
"I'd like you guys to sing with me yeah?" Santana softly asked.
"Of course." Brittany smiled and picked up the guitar. Finn came back into the room as they were getting ready.
"Schue took JBI to Sue. He sent me back in. You need a drummer?" he looked to the three girls.
"That would be great Finn." Brittany handed him the music and he nodded confidently. Santana sat at the piano. The song usually wasn't made for it, but she thought she could manage. What was surprising was Quinn with a bass in hand. Santana quirked and eyebrow and Quinn grinned. Her rebellious side apparently had a deep love of the underrated instrument.
I'm not okayI'm not okayI'm not okayYou wear me out
They played their hearts out, sang with raw pain and even with everything in her telling her that the pain wasn't worth it, that the humiliation wasn't worth it, Santana sang, tears streaming down her face. After strumming the last chord, Brittany was at her side gently wiping the tears away.
"That was powerful." Rachel said in awe.
"Well Rach, when you've been through something so painful, it isn't hard." Quinn reminded.
"Thanks for letting me help, I had some pent up anger." Finn muttered, slumping back in his chair in the corner.
"Finn." Santana said quietly, and the boy looked at her.
"Yeah?" he mumbled.
"You're a good kid. Just live your truth." she said.
"Thanks. I'll take that to heart." he smiled.
"Hey kids, I hate to do this but I need all of you in Sue's office." Mr.Schue peeked in the door. Brittany and Santana clung to each other as they walked the barren hallway with their club.
"Thank you William." Sue said exhaustedly, excusing him.
"Ms.Lopez and Ms.Pierce, I'll speak to you two first." Sue closed the door behind them and they fidgeted in the seats across from her.
"It pains me to do this but I have to ask- are these rumors true?" she said.
"Yes ma'am." Brittany nodded.
"Well mostly." Santana reminded "I had the abortion and pregnancy scare."
"Right. God that JBI should be glad he's expelled, you two could rip him to shreds." Sue muttered under her breath. "That said, well, as a mandatory reporter, I'm required to report this to the proper authorities." Sue sighed.
"But mine's all in the past and my Tia already knows! It's in my record." Santana argued.
"It is indeed Ms.Lopez. I'm more concerned with Brittany." Sue turned to her once cheerio.
"Call them." Brittany said quiet as a mouse. Sue sighed and shook her head.
"Brittany, I'm going to call your parents and save you a stint in the psych ward." Sue patted the girls hand "and Santana, your aunt was called immediately. She should be in the parking lot."
"Thank you Coach." Brittany exhaled.
"Yes well, let's get this call done." she dialed the Pierces.
"Hello?" Whitney said.
"It's Sue." the principal rolled her eyes.
"What happened to Brittany?" Whitney asked "should I come to the school?"
"Mrs.Pierce, are you aware that your daughter has committed self-harm?" Sue cut to this chase.
"I...am. Why?" Whitney interrogated.
"Wait mom, how do you know?" Brittany said.
"Oh dear, hi darling. Your bathroom needs to be cleaned sometimes." she admitted.
"Right…" Brittany swallowed "Am I in trouble?"
"Oh no dear. Look, is Santana there?" Whitney asked.
"Hello Mrs.Pierce." the latina croaked.
"Oh well you sound terrible. You go home with her and Ali, if that's alright Principal Sue." Whitney asked.
"Yes. Go. Goodbye Mrs.Pierce." Sue hung up and shooed the girls out. They received texts later that everyone else had been asked similar questions and given resources in case they were tempted. The two of them had not spoken a word since leaving the office. Ali looked on from the kitchen, Santana playing piano endlessly and Brittany doing homework with earbuds in. Asher sat looking between them worried. Then, Brittany starting humming quietly. It was a simple noise, unintentional but it caught Santana's attention. The blonde began to sing under her breath, not looking up.
Now I'm a warriorNow I've got thicker skin
Santana flipped quickly through her book and started playing the piano along. Brittany heard it through her headphones and looked up. Santana smiled.
I've got shame, I've got scarsThat I will never showI'm a survivorIn more ways than you know.
The girls finished the song together, Ali watching on from the kitchen.
"So I take it there's healing to be done?" Ali asked when they were done. They looked up with puffy eyes and nodded. She brought them each a warm mug of hot chocolate and ushered them to sit on the couch.
"I feel a serious talk coming on, and honestly I'm not sure I can handle it." Santana looked at her aunt who settled in the arm chair.
"You're going to have to mija." Ali smiled softly. "I talked to the Pierces and we are both going to be taking you to a psychiatrist. We want to understand exactly what mental disorders you're struggling with and how we can help you."
"Like it isn't obvious?" Santana shrugged "I'm pretty sure I can give you the answer Tia."
"While that may be true, you can't write a prescription. And I think we may be surprised so you're going." Ali conceded.
"Dios mio! Fine." Santana grunted.
"San, this could be good." Brittany kissed her cheek "It could make me see you smile more, and you know I'm a sucker for those dimples." Brittany's freckled cheeks blushed and Santana nodded solemnly.
Things hadn't changed at school on Tuesday, except that no one was asking for the information from them. It didn't matter what threats he'd been dealt, JBI ran the gossip blog and he was going to post. However, he was nowhere in sight that day.
"I can't believe that little coward would have the audacity to go spilling our whole lives out on the internet and then skip school. I can't punch his puny face in if he isn't here!" Brittany fumed, pacing in the girls bathroom while Santana wiped the mascara that was running down her face after overhearing her own story told in disgusting detail. "Sorry babe, I just have all this anger and I don't know how to channel it."
"Don't apologize. We both have appointments after school. And for once, I'm not disappointed to miss Glee club. Their faces of pity all day have been so frustrating." Santana sighed.
"How fucked up do you think this doctor is gonna say we are?" Brittany mused.
"I don't know but I don't want to be doped up on medication. It's going to suck the passion straight out of my singing." the Latina shook her head.
"Yeah, and if it makes me drowsy or clumsy how the hell am I supposed to dance?" the blonde attested
"I don't think anything could mess up your grace baby." Santana kissed a rosy cheek "We better get to class. I just want to get this day over."
When the final bell rang, the girls darted out to Ali's waiting car. Whitney Pierce sat in the passenger seat and Olivia was bouncing happily in the back.
"Hey Liv" Santana said, sitting on one side of the girl while Brittany took the other.
"Hi Tana, Hi Britty! We goin doctor!" Liv clapped her hands.
"We sure are Little Liv." Brittany ruffled her little sister's hair as they pulled out of the WMHS parking lot and onto the freeway. The psychiatrist was a few towns over, so the girls spent the car ride listening to Olivia tell them about her awesome day at school. When they arrived, they each had separate appointments, one after the other. Santana's was first. The appointment consisted of a tiring list of questions. What surprised Santana, however, was that they asked what she thought she struggled with and what she thought might help her most.
"Honestly? I'm positive I suffer from PTSD. The nightmares and reactions to certain situations, it feels like everything I've read online." Santana said.
"I agree. While you have other issues, I think the root of most of them is PTSD. This isn't easily treated medically, though medicine can help. However, therapy in all forms is most helpful." the doctor said.
"I actually wanted to ask, is it possible to legally train your own dog as a service dog?" Santana asked nervously.
"Absolutely, so long as your dog is well-tempered." the doctor said "Is this something you're seriously considering?"
"Yes, definitely. My dog Asher, he's a husky-pitbull but he is the calmest, sweetest dog I've ever met." Santana gushed.
"Then let me give you some guides to training and a doctor's recommendation to get him certified. It'll take about 8 months to train him, depending on your needs, but once he's partially through his training you can register him as in training and start training him in public. Have you done any training of the like yet?" he said, writing down notes.
"I have." Ali said "I noticed his instinctive reactions as soon as he came home with them and when he was a bit older I started training him how to notice the signs and, whether or not she notices, he does deep pressure therapy when she has panic attacks."
"He does really calm me down…" Santana said quietly.
"Then I suggest you teach Santana his commands. You should be able to have him fully registered by next school year." the doctor said "In the meantime, I'll help you get him registered as in-training. I'll also write to your school. As long as that's something you want?" the doctor said and Santana nodded gratefully. "Alright, I've also got a prescription for anxiety and depression meds that we can adjust as we see fit in about a month. Send Brittany in please." They thanked the doctor and Brittany and her mom went in while Santana played with Olivia. It wasn't long before Brittany came out holding her own prescription paper for the pharmacy. She smiled at Santana encouragingly. They stopped by the pharmacy on the way home. Brittany stayed at Santana's while her mom and sister headed home.
"So, Britt, Asher is going to train to be my therapy dog." Santana said as they sat down on the couch, Asher laying his head in Santana's lap.
"Really? Does that mean he's coming to school with us?" Brittany asked excitedly.
"Yeah, but look, you won't be able to pet him because he is supposed to be working, and if you do, everyone will want to." Santana explained.
"Okay, I guess that's okay." Brittany said "As long as I can still hold him at home."
"Of course Brittany. We also had to get special permission for him to come soon, but the doctor is contacting the school to recommend they allow me to bring him while I am still training him." Satana smiled.down at the dog. Ali made dinner and started to discuss what she'd already done with Asher and how Santana could do it. After dinner, Brittany went home, her parents wanting to discuss a way to help her to remember her medication. That night, Santana was feeling especially lonely without Brittany. School was still really stressful with the flying rumors about them. She fell into a restless sleep, Asher watching her nervously. She fell into one of her nightmares and felt Asher shake her awake. She woke up shaking, and he barked before trying to do DPT. He was somewhat successful and his bark had alerted Ali who came into the room. Santana explained what had happened and Ali praised Asher for a good job before leaving them to sleep again, Asher curling up against Santana's back.
That Friday was Asher's first day at school and Santana was slowly adjusting to having him at her side at all times. Luckily he was tall enough that she clip a short leash to her belt loop to keep him under control. She'd had to stop half the school from petting him, but it had otherwise gone very well. She walked into Glee club at the end of the day, excited to perform with Brittany. It was especially hard for the Glee club to not pet him, and she noticed Asher was exercising restraint as well. The entire club had met him and he was definitely excited to see them. She was really proud of him when she told him to sit while she performed and he did as told.
Now I'm a warriorI've got thicker skinI'm a warriorI'm stronger than I've ever beenAnd my armor, is made of steel, you can't get inI'm a warriorAnd you can never hurt me again