a/n: I promised more and so I deliver. I'll deal with the legal jargon to pump out an update on that. TW for mentions in this chapter. song is PMA by All Time Low ft Pale Waves
Chapter 31: Post Modern Anxiety
With Brittany's situation, Santana and Quinn had been able to distract themselves from the anniversary that had fallen on Friday. They weren't by any means happy for what happened to Brittany, but there was an undeniable blessing to the curse. Still, as the Glee club dispersed and Brittany sat with Livvy, Quinn and Santana began to take in the reality. It had been a year for both of them, since they'd both been raped by Noah Puckerman. And suddenly, he was up for probation, and their fight was looking like a losing one. Asher alerted Santana who had zoned out, and she sat down and drank some water. She gave Asher some ear scratches and a treat, letting him relax a bit.
"How are you doing San?" Quinn asked sitting beside the Latina.
"Probably the same as you." the girl shrugged "It's kind of nice to see how far I've come since then, but I'm definitely worried about having some nightmares tonight."
"Agreed. But I feel lucky cause Rach has been able to hold me up all week. Aren't you struggling with B being out of commission?" the blonde questioned.
"It was a distraction. She's coming over tonight. Her parents are wary but as soon as Britt… well, y'know, all the razors in the house went under lock and key." Santana looks to the elder Pierce sister fondly "I just hope we don't have a disaster where we both crumble."
"Is Ali prepared to handle that?" Quinn motions for Rachel to join them as she makes her way back into the auditorium.
"She briefed Diego and Kelsey too. The Pierces are on speed dial. She's doing the best she can." Santana admits.
"What's going on? You two holding up okay?" Rachel says, kissing the top of Quinns head.
"We were just talking about that." Santana says "I'm waiting for it to set in. Something tells me I'm in for a long night."
"Well, I hope things turn out okay. Quinn, we need to go. My dads are here." Rachel says, gently pulling her girlfriend up.
"I'll call you San." Quinn waves as Rachel pulls her out the doors.
"Tana!" Livvy jumps into the Latina's lap "Britt says she's having a sleepover with you and I'm not invited. Why not?" Santana looks to Britt with raised eyebrows,but only gets a shrug.
"You know how sometimes scary things make you upset and it can scare the people around you?"Santana waits until the girl nods before continuing "Well, sometimes I have nightmares, have you had a nightmare?"
"Yeah. It was super scary and my parents were really worried cause I screamed." Livvy looks down embarrassed "I got so scared I wet the bed."
"Scary things can make our body's out of control. You don't need to be embarrassed, Liv." the Latina assures "but you know how your parents were worried? Well, I bet Britt was too. And if your parents had screamed, would you have worried?"
"Of course!" Liv assures "I'd be really worried cause mommy and daddy are really brave so it must be really scary like a dragon."
"Right. So, I was attacked by a dragon last year. Exactly a year ago, remember how I went to the court?" Liv nods and Satana says "Well sometimes I have nightmares about the dragon. And I don't want you to be scared too. So that's why you can't sleep over."
"But I'm a good dragon fighter." Liv pouts.
"I know. But it's important to me that you don't face this one, okay?" Santana asks and Liv eventually concedes. The three of them make their way out to the parking lot, Brittany tugging her sleeves. Santana watches as the elder blonde lewd the way to the parking lot. Santana sees the brick wall and stops in her tracks. She sees it everyday, but today it stops her. Liv, who holding her hand looks at her confused, tugging gently. When Satana doesn't respond she yells for Brittany.
"San." Her girlfriend steps in to her field of vision breaking the trance "Where'd you go?"
"The wall." Santana points past Brittany "That's the wall."
"I know. C'mon, let's go. Livvy go get in the car okay?" Brittany says and the little girl nods.
"Britt. There's something written." Santana says, pushing past her girlfriend. On one brick, in bright orange paint it says "Freedom for Puckerman. Death for Dykes."
"San, let's go." Brittany says seeing the words.
"Let me just.." Santana snaps a quick photo with her phone "Alright. Let's go "
As soon as they're in the car, Santana shows Ali.
"This could be evidence. Good job." Ali says "Forward it to me and I'll get it to the right places." Santana does as she's told and leans her head back, taking a deep breath. She barely remembers the car ride home a year ago. She looks to Brittany who stares out the window, and she gently takes her hand. It grounds them both as they arrive back at the Lopez residence.
"Alright. You two hangout,I'm going to make dinner." Ali says, Brittany and Santana nod and let Asher out to roam the yard. Lady Domino comes prancing down the stairs and plops herself on Santana's lap.
"You can't move now." Brittany says "Go on, pet her."
"I know how cats work." Santana rolls her eyes, gently stroking the cat. She smiles softly as the little cat falls asleep.
"So are you prepared for what the night might bring?" Britt asks.
"Nope. But we can make it through. I hope" Santana sighs.
"Is there anything I should do in particular?" Brittany says "I don't want to make anything worse either."
"Just be there, but don't necessarily touch me. Maybe just my hand if at all." the Latina says "Asher should be a big help."
"And Ali is going to keep an eye on everything?" the blonde looks for reassurance.
"Yup. Hopefully this is all preparing for nothing." Santana shakes her head.
"Yeah...hopefully." Brittany says.
That night, they have a small and easy to digest meal, trying everything they can to ensure the night doesn't spiral out of control. Ali and Diego do a final check for sharps and lock everything away. No precaution is too extreme. Kelsey watches warily, unsure of how to help and definitely looking scared of what the night may entail.
"Hey Kels" Brittany joins the older girl on the sidelines of the Lopez madness.
"Hey." she replies softly "I heard what happened. You doing okay?"
"I'll be okay." Britt shrugs "You seem tense. I know tonight may seem pretty overwhelming."
"I'm just not sure I can help at all." Kelsey looks down "What's my place here?"
"To calm Diego down in any aftermath I assume." the younger girl offers.
"You may be onto something there. This just seems…" Kelsey looks around "Unimaginably careful."
"It's all important. Just...try to stay level headed. Things may be fine." Brittany leaves Kelsey with that and goes to get ready for bed with Santana.
It's one in the morning when it happens. Brittany bolts awake at the sound of Santana's blood curdling screams. Asher is already leaping onto the bed, but Santana's flailing presents a challenge. He does his best to wake her up as he was trained to. Ali is in the door not even a minute after the first scream. After some licking on Asher's part and Brittany and Ali's help, Santana's eyes flash open. She stops flailing and Asher immediately begins DPT. Brittany sits next to her, and when Santana wiggles her fingers, takes her hand softly. After a few minutes, Asher moves off Santana and she sits up, gratefully accepting water from Ali. Brittany pets Asher, calming down herself. Santana looks to Brittany and gently squeezes their still connected hands.
"I'm okay. You're okay. It was just a nightmare." Santana finds that her words calm her down as well.
"I know." Brittany says quietly. Santana smiles softly at Ali who leaves as the girls settle back down. Santana lays nose to nose with Brittany, their eyes locked.
"Are you okay?" the shorter girl searches her girlfriend's blue eyes.
"Just a little shaken. You screamed so loud...I never screamed." the dancer closes her eyes momentarily.
"It was a different situation. Let's just see if we can get through the rest of the night." Santana says hopefully.
Unfortunately, Santana has two more nightmares that night. The morning comes and she is absolutely wrecked. The memories she has play on loop in her head. Brittany looks no better, Santana nightmare triggering her own after the second one. Santana had spoken in her sleep that time, sending Brittany back to her own memories of sexual abuse. Still, they both drag themselves out of bed and to breakfast in the morning. Coffee helps some, but having to talk about the trial on a bad night's sleep spells trouble. They can only hope things weren't as bad for Quinn and Rachel.
Later that day, Santana and Brittany are laying on the couch watching mind numbing TV to try and forget the past. Santana's phone goes off, and she sees a text from Quinn.
Q: San, how ya holding up?
S: as well as can be expected. U?
Q: pretty much the same.
S: So terrible and exhausted from a sleepless night too?
Q: u can say that again. Rachel doesn't seem to grasp how emotionally exhausting this is. How much it taxes the mind and body to have to experience something so horrific again. It feels real.
S: you can come over here if you want. Bring her if you must.
Q: I'll come, but I'm not bringing her. It'd be nice to be around people who understand. See you soon.
Santana sets her phone aside and runs a hand through her tangled hair. Brittany waits patiently as the Latina collects her thoughts.
"Quinns on her way." Santana stands up, stretching out her aching joints.
"Should I go?" Brittany asks.
"No. You get it. Rachel just doesn't understand. Quinn needs people who do." Santana explains, cleaning her glasses.
"It's not something that can easily be understood." Brittany admits "I'm kind of glad Rachel is in the dark."
"I just feel bad for Q." Santana sighs "Their relationship is so rocky as is and Quinn can't even control this."
"I'll deal with Rach if it comes to it." Brittany smiles softly "She'll learn to accept what is."
Not much later does the doorbell ring. Santana invites Quinn in and she joins their laze fest on the couch. It takes a minute before Quinn starts to talk, but she goes off when she does.
"Rachel said I was being overdramatic. Rachel Berry...accusing someone of being overdramatic. As if…" Quinn huffs "Sorry experiencing something, even if it's all mental, horrifying is sob inducing. Sorry it interrupts your beauty sleep"
"Rachel can shut her mouth." Santana shakes her head "That's such bull. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it. I just want to tell her somehow. In a way she'll understand and listen." the blonde throws her head back exasperated.
"So through a song." Brittany says "That's the only way to get through to her."
"Britt has a point. But what?" Santana scrolls through her playlist and it hits her. "I've got it!"
That evening, Rachel Berry is invited to dinner and a song at the Lopez house. After dinner, Diego, Kelsey and Ali disperse leaving an awkward silence until Santana moves to the keyboard. Brittany picks up her guitar. Rachel sits quietly, fidgeting as an audience member. Santana looks to Quinn and Brittany and they start their performance.
What are you trying to fix me for?Maybe I'm broken but I'm not sureAm I depressed or am I just bored?Apathy and irony, post modern anxietyTell me you're okay, yeah, what's that like?Rose tinted glasses, that must be niceDoing your best while you die insideApathy and irony, post modern anxiety
They finish the song and look to Rachel, waiting for any sign of understanding.
"You think I wear rose tinted glasses?" She asks, and after Quinn nods she stands slowly, pacing. "I guess, maybe I try to live glass half full."
"It's more than that Rach. You expect me to swallow my feelings and pretend I'm okay just like you. Anytime your feelings get too big you stuff them away." Quinn points out.
"It's called being a professional." Rachel shrugs.
"It's called unhealthy coping. I'm dealing with trauma babe. If you can't understand that, then I can't love you." Quinn gives Rachel an ultimatum. It takes a few minutes, but eventually Rachel surrender and takes herself and Quinn home.
As Santana lays in bed that night she hopes that this trauma is not only something she'll overcome, but the last one she'll have to.