a/n: TW SH is the topic in this chapter. this chapter started as just the journal entry, so bear with the rest of it being a bit under developed. I felt really inspired to write the entry but the rest is mostly filler. sorry :(
song is by paramore
Chapter 33: We Are Broken
Per her parents wishes, Brittany was going to therapy after her most recent cuts. She wasn't sure it would help, but agreed to give it a try. Her therapist suggested writing anytime she had strong feelings or the urge to self-harm, or really whenever she wanted. Brittany sat in a rocking chair beside Santana's bed watching the girl sleep and pulled out her journal.
Dear Diary,
One of the biggest hurdles to overcome with SH is the scars fading. I know some of mine never will, but seeing some of them disappear almost makes me want to replace them anew. It's silly to think that healing can make you want to reverse that process, but in this case it's true. I've given into that urge before, and even though I'm ashamed of my actions, I know these scars will last for many years. I hope they serve as a way to satisfy the urge. To not feel it. I've heard stories of people who've been SH free for years when, what seems to be suddenly, they feel the urge again. It's the scars fading. You want the reminder, that's why they're there. Some people have found tattoos ,where their scars once were, serve the purpose in a healthy way. I guess it's my biggest fear. That my healing scars will only serve as a detriment to healing my brain. I hope I'm wrong, but the truth is I know I'm not. It's happened before, what's to say it won't happen again.
A drop of water fell on the page slightly smudging her writing, and she looked up, wondering how she'd explain a leaky roof when she realized it had been a tear. She looked to the bed to see Santana's sleepy eyes open and studying her.
"Staring is rude." Brittany said, wiping her eyes urgently.
"I can't help it. You're too beautiful to look away from. What's wrong?" the girls voice was scratchy from sleep.
"Nothing." Brittany hurried "Sleep."
"Britt, tell me. It's okay." Santana urged.
"Really, I'm okay. I was writing in my journal. I guess it made me a little emotional is all." Brittany shrugged.
"Can I read it?" Santana said quietly, knowing her request was a bit invasive.
"I want you to, but no. It could trigger you. I'm sorry." Brittany closed it, wrapping the band around the cover to keep it shut.
"Can you tell me what it's about?" Santana asked as Brittany crawled into bed beside her. The blonde sighed and nodded.
"It's about recovering when the scars disappear." she admitted "How hard it is."
"Oh." Santana looked at her own arms, knowing some of hers were gone "That is… very real."
"It's important I write those thoughts. I'm not thinking of doing anything, but it's the fear I will." the dancer closed her eyes momentarily "I have before."
"I'm here for you. No matter what." the Latina snuggled closer "Can we sleep though? I only woke up cause you weren't beside me. I'm starting to overcome the worst dreams."
"Of course." Brittany clicked off the bedside lamp and gently stroked her girlfriend's back until she felt her breaths even out. She, however, stayed awake for longer.
Brittany drives herself to therapy that Saturday morning, letting Santana sleep and saying a brief good morning to Ali on her way out. She clutches her journal close to her chest as she takes a seat in the big soft chair in the therapist office.
"You seem timid Brittany. What can I do to help make you comfortable?" her therapist, Dr.P asks.
"I'm okay. Here's my journal. I wrote an entry last night...or was it this morning?" Brittany chews her lip.
"Brittany." Dr.P says softly and the girl stops. Dr.P takes the journal and give Brittany a lollipop which helps her not bite her lip. She reads the most recent journal entries before closing the journal and setting it on the table.
"That's an interesting phenomenon you brought up in your latest entry." Dr.P says as Brittany finishes her lollipop and throws the stick away.
"It's a phenomenon?" Brittany asks, grabbing the fidget cube off the side table to calm her fidgeting thumbs.
"It is. It's quite difficult for us therapists to grasp why such a thing would happen. But you seem to know it's clear as day. Would you mind telling me?" Dr. P asks and Brittany nods.
"Well, you see, the scars serve as a reminder of the pain, making you not need to feel again. They also show the damage it causes, and deep down most of us don't want to cause damage. We just do." she shrugs.
"That's really helpful. Thank you Brittany. Now, do you mind telling me why you were anxious about sharing your journal today?" Dr. P says and Brittany stops fidgeting.
"I wasn't."
"You were"
"Nope"
"Brittany."
"No." the blonde says and hugs her knees to her chest "I'm done for today."
"Brittany, please." Dr. P sighs "I won't force you to talk about it, but I want you to think about it."
"No," the blonde repeated.
"I am just trying to help you."
"No." The dancer makes herself as small as possible.
"It's okay." Dr. P says softly. She watches as the blonde uncurls and immediately grabs a stuffie. Regression was something Brittany did often, and Dr.P knew it was something she needed. Brittany sits down on the floor and colors in a coloring book Dr.P leaves on the table. Dr.P is quiet and takes note of the picture and colors Brittany picks. Black and red overwhelm the unicorn that the blonde has chosen.
"Brittany?" Dr.P says softly and the girl looks up quickly. "It's okay. I just want to ask you a question. Is that okay?" Brittany shrugs, toying with the ears of the stuffed.
"Why did you pick those colors?" Dr.P points to the picture.
"Are they wrong?" Brittany asks worriedly.
"No, of course not. You can use any colors you want. These are just a choice I don't see often." Dr. P kneels down on the opposite side of the table "I really like them."
"So does Sanny. That's why I picked them." Brittany says happily "it's a gift for her!"
"So those are her favorite colors?" Dr.P asks and Brittany nods.
"Do you like those colors?"
Brittany shakes her head shyly
"It's okay to not like the same colors as Santana. Why don't you like those colors?" Dr.P asks carefully.
"Blood." Brittany points to the red crayon "The dark" she points to the black "Both scary."
"I see. Why do you think Santana likes them?" Dr.P asks.
"Love heart." Red again. "Her hair." Black.
"You're probably right. Are you ready to tell me why you were worried about your journal?" Dr. P asks and Brittany nods.
"Santana saw me writing. I cried a little. She was worried and wanted to read what I wrote. I told her no. It felt...wrong to share with someone else but not her." Brittany admits "I know she shouldn't read it cause it could be a trigger, but I also want to share with her."
"Brittany, I completely understand. But Santana knows that sometimes therapy needs to be just for us. I bet she keeps a journal too, right?" Dr.P asks and Brittany nods. "And has she ever told you not to read it?"
"Yes." Brittany says "I know you're right. I'll talk to her. I think it'll make me feel better."
"I agree. That's our time. Just keep writing okay?" Dr. P asks and Brittany nods slightly.
Brittany tucks her journal in her bag and begins to drive back to Santana's house, but driving past the treehouse park, she realizes she should check on the place. She makes her way up the ladder and sweeps away leaves and debris that had found its way in. She sees some of her old notebooks stacked in the corner and picks them up and sets them in the basket to bring them back down with her. She takes a look around and has an idea. She quickly climbs down the ladder, lowering the basket for her notebooks and makes her way back to the car.
"San?" Brittany calls out as she enters the Lopez house. Usually Santana would be watching TV, cooking or playing piano this time of day. She climbs the stairs and sees her girlfriend and Asher snuggled together on the bed. She goes to sit beside them but Asher growls. Confused, she texts Ali.
A: he's trained to do that when he thinks someone poses danger or touching San could be dangerous
B: so why is he growling at me then?
A: he must be saying touching Santana isn't safe right now. I wish I could help more.
"Asher, buddy, work with me." Brittany runs a hand through her hair. She sits down and sighs. She sees Santana stirring and immediately Asher is on high alert.
"Ash, what's wrong boy?" Santana asks and Brittany slowly stands as he turns towards her.
"Britt?" Santana says "Why didn't you wake me?"
"Asher wouldn't let me." Brittany points to the dog who growls in warning.
"Asher, no. Not a threat." Santana says and he turns back to her "You know that."
"Why are you still in bed?" Brittany asks.
"I need the sleep after all those nightmares." Santana shrugs. "But first, Asher, why are you protecting me from Brittany?"
"Maybe he smells something on me? I was just at the tree house." Brittany says. She tosses her jacket to Santana and Asher immediately grabs it. He takes it away and then returns and greets Brittany as he usually would.
"What the hell is on that jacket?" Santana asks. Brittany racks her brain and it hits her.
"I keep it in my car. I haven't washed it in ages. It probably smells like…" Brittnay sighs and walks over to sniff it "Oh God. It smells like cologne. OH MY GOD. I let Mike borrow it."
"Wait. What cologne does Mike wear?" Santana asks.
"Uh some basic one that old guys like." Brittany shrugs. Santana stands and sniff the jacket and recoils "That the same stuff my dad wore." Asher watches them intensely. "So why doesn't he go after Mike?"
"I told him after he borrowed it to change his cologne. I told you it's been a long time." Brittany sighs "I'm sorry Ash. Good boy."
"Well, moving on, treehouse?" Santana asks.
"Oh yeah, I was thinking we could maybe have a little picnic date there." Brittany says shyly "It's quiet and we can talk and be alone."
"That sounds really nice. Let's get you a different jacket and we can grab some food and go." Santana kisses Brittany cheek and the blonde smiles. While she waits for Santana to get ready she flips through some of her old journals. Most of the entries don't surprise her. It's hard to read how badly she was suffering just a couple years ago, but it's vague. Until she finds the final entry. It's a suicide note. She reads it over and over and can't pull her eyes away. She doesn't hear Santana open the bathroom door, she just stares at the words "I'm sorry" as her girlfriend snaps the book close and gathers her in her arms. Brittany realizes she's crying and snuggles into the Latina's embrace. After a few minutes, she calms down and Santana takes a deep breath.
"Old journal?" Santana asks, picking up the notebook. Brittany nods. "May I?" Santana thumbs the pages.
"It's a suicide note." Brittany says plainly. "Shortly before I met you."
"B…" Santana sets the notebook aside "you need to be emotionally ready to read these. And have someone look through first. Like your therapist."
"I'm sorry, I thought it was all gonna be stupid stuff. It almost all was. I remember that day. Liv stopped me. She crawled into bed with me cause she had a nightmare." Brittany sighs "It's in the past. But I want to keep it. It's important."
"Okay. Are you okay?" Santana asks.
"Yeah. It was just more overwhelming and shocking. I didn't realize I had it." The blonde says "Let's go on our date okay?"
"Of course." Santana says.
They make their way to the treehouse with sandwiches and manage to get Asher up with the help of a fellow treehouse owner's doggy ramp. Brittany explains what happened at therapy that day, and Santana promises her that she never needs to read, she just wants to help. She knows how personal journals are. After they finish their lunch, Santana and Brittnay spend a few minutes just being together cuddling.
"Can I sing you something?" Brittnay asks quietly.
"Sure babe." Santana says.
"I've never sung acapella alone." Brittany says nervously.
"It's okay. I promise." Santana encourages and Brittany nods. And softly sings
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored?
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole
"Why that song?" Santana asks when she finished.
"I don't know exactly what they intended it to mean, but I want to go back to when everything was good. Before I lost my innocence to him. Before my life was just trying to live, when it was more about what I did than what I didn't. I want to know how I can get out of the hole and feel human again. How I can be more than just a shell of who I was." Brittany wipes a few stray tears.
"Oh hon...I love you and you are so many amazing things. But I feel broken sometimes too. And like until I overcome all of this, I won't feel human again. It's going to take time. Our innocence was stolen. I know. But we can recover. And we can thrive." Santana promises.
"You think?" Brittany looks into Santana eyes.
"I know." The Latina echoes
a/n: hi again. I know thats not the interpretation generally given for the song. however, like poetry and art, music too is up to interpretation. and that's mine. cool
-GEK