Chapter 38: Put You Through Me
Song is by Arrows in Action.
Fall was in full swing, the leaves changing color as October neared its end. Santana's birthday hadn't been a very big celebration, overshadowed by Sectionals being a bit earlier this year and the trial. She hadn't wanted to make too big a deal of it either- after the last birthday party at Casa Lopez she wasn't too keen on another. Instead she had kept it between herself, Brittany, Quinn and Rachel. They went to a spa and git mani-pedis and had a movie marathon the whole weekend. However, Halloween was nearing and Brittany's excitement and begging for a party had convinced her to revive Lopez Party Planning with Diego. Well, at least she'd hoped for Diego's help, but with moving Kelsey in he was beyond busy. She'd reached out to Quinn and Rachel next, but apparently they were working through something again. Brittany has agreed to help already, but Santana had quickly realized that her girlfriend's organizational skills were seriously lacking. She realized that this party was hers to plan. With so much going on she decided on just doing a classic Halloween party, no theme. She gave Brittany a few jobs, planning the playlist and digging out the decor from last year. She also employed her height to help decorate the hard to reach places. Brittany, while disorganized, was exceptional at decorating, so after a while of directing her she told her to just go crazy with it. In the meantime, Santana came up with a list of activities, including a costume contest and bobbing for apples, and a menu, consisting mostly of finger food. With all her focus on planning, however, she'd neglected picking costumes for herself and Brittany. When Brittany hands her a Jack Skellington suit she can only chuckle and nod in agreement. She even spots a Zero costume for Asher, who happily shows it off after Britrnay puts it on. With everything settled, Santana has a few days to relax before the party. She invites Quinn over after school one day when Brittany is busy helping Liv pick a costume.
"Thanks for letting me come over. The place looks really great." Quinn says, slipping off her shoes and backpack at the front entrance.
"You don't have to do that, you know. Brittany trampled through here in muddy rain boots two days ago." Santana laughs, inviting the blonde to take a seat on the couch. "So, rumor has it you and Berry are on the rocks again?" Santana asks and Quinn sighs with a nod.
"I'd say more than on the rocks. I'm bad for her Santana. I see how Finn looks at her, he could treat her so much better." the former cheerleader leans her head back "She's mad because I refused to do a couple's costume. I'm not even dressing up, I hope that's okay."
"Brittany will force you into a bright orange pumpkin tshirt, fair warning. Why so glum? If memory serves, you enjoy Halloween." Santana asks.
"I'm just realizing we've been together over a year and I feel like Rachel's life has been turned upside down ever since. She was at risk of needing to get a restraining order, her dedication to singing has waned, and she is constantly insecure. I try to tell her that none of it's true, but she throws back the fact that I said all those things before. And she's right." Quinn tugs at her sleeves.
"This isn't about Berry." Santana lays a hand on Quinn's wrist "This is about you. What happened?"
"My dad showed up. I was home alone and he came to the house. And well…" Quinn swallows "You can probably figure it out."
"Q…" Santana says gently "You went to the police I hope?"
"Yeah, as soon as my mom got home I told her what happened. They caught him, but the emotional damage was done. I was violated again." the blonde wipes a few tears ."Rachel is wondering why I'm so adamant about not being intimate with her. It took her a long time to be ready, but now that she is I'm not. I never really have been, not since."
"I understand that. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with Brittany, and even for us it's a rarity that we discuss constantly." the Latina explains "You have to have an open dialogue with her, or you're never going to get anywhere."
"That would require a lot of revealing things I'd rather keep hidden." Quinn pulls at her sleeves again.
"Secrets break relationships. You need to at least admit to her that there are things you aren't ready to talk about." Santana whistles for Asher to come over and he nudges Quinns hands, occupying them.
"Rachel isn't exactly great at keeping her nose out of everyone's business." the ex Cheerio reminds Santana "I really think she's better off with someone who doesn't have baggage and skeletons in the closet."
"I know its not my place to convince you otherwise, but I'm still going to tell you I think breaking up with her will break her and you." Santana wraps an arm around Quinn "but know that even if you make that decision, I'll be here to help you pick up the pieces."
"Thank you Santana. You know, you're a really good friend." Quinn says "I think I need to go though. Be alone with my thoughts."
"Don't spend too much time with your thoughts. They're not always friendly like me." the Latina advises, and Quinn nods, slipping her shoes back on and grabbing her bag and heading out the door.
The next day at Glee club, Santana anxiously watches Quinn approach the microphone. As soon as she hears the first few lyrics, her heart breaks for the small diva sitting just a few seats away. Brittany gets up shortly after Quinn starts singing and pulls Rachel close as the girl falls apart. Santana can see the pain in Quinns eyes as the blonde's heart shatters with each lyric, but she knows that there's no stopping her anymore.
So darling, don't get too close
There's nothing here to see
If we end up going down this road
You'll end up underneath my feet eventually
No, you don't wanna love me right now
'Cause baby, I don't even like me so how
Am I supposed to let myself be everything you need?
So sweet, then leave
I don't wanna put you through me
When Quinn sings the last note, she darts out of the room and Santana is hot on her heels. The blonde runs straight to the bathroom, vomiting from the painful rush of emotions. Santana is there, holding back her hair as sobs wrack her body between each belch. The cheerleader collapses into Santana's arms, and the Latina does her best to control her own rising anxiety. The smell of dirty bathroom floors and vomit takes her back but she does her breathing exercises carefully directing Quinn to the sink and flushing the toilet. She helps hold the girl up as she rinses out her mouth and washes her face. Santana carefully ties the girls hair back into a loose ponytail. She let's Quinn sit against the wall as she shoots Brittany a text. After her girlfriend manages to get Berry settled somewhat, she brings their bags and Asher. Santana can see frustration and confusion behind blue eyes but shakes her head gently, letting the blonde know that talking to Quinn right now would do more harm than good. Brittany leaves them to go back to attending to Rachel, promising to see Santana later. Asher urges Santana to sit down as well, keeping watch as she slowly calms down as Quinns cries slow. After a few minutes, she manages to get herself and Quinn to Ali's car, and Ali drives straight home without question. Diego comes outside and carries Quin up the stairs to Santana's room, and gently squeezes his cousin's shoulder before leaving.
"Do you want to shower?" Santana asks, not sure what to do for Quinn. The blonde nods gratefully and Santana gets her some towels, fresh clothes and sits outside the door, oddly comforted because she can hear the soft hiccuping cries of her friend. The blonde emerges not much later and gratefully accepts the toothbrush Santana offers. Once she's done Santana leads her to the guest room where the blonde almost immediately falls asleep. She plugs the girls phone in and sighs at the lock screen picture of her and Rachel ironically drinking slushies. Her own phone buzzes in her pocket and she leaves, softly closing the door and seeing a message from Brittany.
"I took Rachel home to her dad's. They're taking good care of her. I'm coming to you. How is Q?"
"Asleep in the guest room. I told her not to do this."
"I'll c u soon."
Brittany arrives a few minutes later and Santana is at the piano playing scales. She's found scales calm her anxiety really well. Brittany kisses her forehead and listens as she keeps playing, giving her all the time she needs.
"Quinn told me she didn't think she was good enough for Rach yesterday." Santana says, pausing her fingers.
"And what did you say?" Brittany asks as Santana joins her on the couch.
"I told her breaking up would break both of them." Santana admits "I told her they were good."
"But she had already made up her mind hadn't she?" Brittany asked and her girlfriend nodded. Brittany sighed and leaned her head back. "Rachel's a mess. She doesn't understand, she thinks she did something wrong."
"Should we cancel the Halloween party?" Santana asks.
"No, you worked too hard. I doubt either of them are in the partying mood anyway." Brittay says.
"Rachel won't miss a chance to wear an over the top costume, and Quinn definitely doesn't want to be alone." Santana says.
"What makes you say that?" Brittany asks "What aren't you telling me?"
"It's not my secret to share. You'll have to ask Quinn." Santana looks down.
"Ask me what?" Quin says coming down the stairs "I'm looking for coffee."
"I'll brew some. You two talk." Santana gets up and Quinn nervously sits beside Brittany.
"What drove you to end things with Rachel, you totally broke her." Brittany crosses her arms.
"My dad came back to the house and he…he raped me. " Quinn says softly.
"Oh Q" Brittany wraps and arm around her friend "But what does that have to do with Rachel."
"Rach…Rach really wants to you know, be intimate. First I wasn't over Puck and then, as I was finally feeling ready…" Quinn shakes her head. "We haven't done it. Ever. I wanted her to be with someone who can give her everything she wants."
"I imagine Santana already told you that, while we've been intimate, we have an open discussion. Always. Have you tried being honest?" Brittany asks.
"Does it matter now?" Quinn stands up "I've ended things now. She's not gonna forgive me." she goes back upstairs and comes back just a minute later with her coat, bag and shoes and gratefully takes the coffee from Santana before walking out the door.
"Where's she gonna go? She can't drive." Santana says.
"I know. She's probably going to the treehouse park. She's got one too." Brittany says.
"Should we go after her?" Santana asks "It's pretty chilly out."
"Just wait a few minutes. Let her walk it off." Brittany sighs "She's self harming isn't she?"
"She's tugging her sleeves. I assume so. She didn't admit that to me. I promise." Santana grabs Brittany's hand.
"Okay. I believe you. Look I think your party gives them an opportunity to make up." Brittany says.
"You really think that's a good idea?" Santana asks.
"I do. But Quinn has a lot of work to do." Brittany says "Any ideas of how she can woo Rach?"
"She can start by fulfilling the other end of a couples costume." Santana smirks.