Chapter 40: Last Hope
hi all, I'm doing my best to give updates to fics this summer despite my 42 hour work weeks. I'll be back to school soon, and I'm not sure my workload will be any less, so I hate to say the irregular updates are probably here to stay. anyway, this song is by Paramore.
Talking was all Quinn did those next few days in the hospital. She talked to Rachel, she talked to a therapist, she even talked to herself. Due to the reason for her hospitalization being the world's worst kept secret, she knew she needed to start being honest with herself and everyone else around her. When different members of the club came to visit, she didn't just say I'm fine or I'm good when asked how she was. Both would be lies on their own. She often replied with surviving and better, elaborating further after the initial response. The people she tried to be the most honest with were, besides Rachel, Santana and Brittany. It was tense when they came by, and the anger and resentment both of them had was well deserved. She apologized profusely, and they forgave her- after all they understood what she was going through. Still, they asked for space. For the first time in a long time, they'd felt like they were in a good place, and witnessing that set them back. Brittany especially struggled with what had transpired. Of course she was glad to have done what she thought would help, and it probably had, but it was traumatic. Healing was a process, and any disturbance could send you back to the beginning.
The day she got out was a Tuesday evening. Her mom, who'd not bothered to visit, was there to take her home. Quinn asked why, but her mom simply said she'd been busy burning all her dad's belongings. She was pretty sure the real reason her mom hadn't visited is because she couldn't admit her daughter was struggling. Fabrays push through, they don't give up and try to end it all. This knowledge that her mom was hiding made for a tense car ride home. Back at the house, things weren't much better. Her mom didn't tell her, but she quickly discovered every sharp object in the house had been locked up or gotten rid of. She supposed her mom cared a little bit, after all it had to have been a lot of work, and probably what she'd actually been doing rather than visiting. Even the kitchen knives were locked up, and Quinn supposed it was for the best. She knew herself, and if she really wanted to hurt she'd find a way. If that way was harder to find, she might be able to survive. Her next task was to make sure she was all caught up on her school work. Santana, Brittany, and Rachel had managed to bring her homework in the hospital, but she'd not gotten much done without her laptop. The hospital had insisted she have no electronics while she was there. She wasn't sure how they thought that made sense, but she didn't have any fight to give. Her laptop was set where she left it on her desk, so she sat down and got to work. Luckily the two days after Halloween rarely constituted a lot of work, so she was able to finish it before she needed to head to bed. Her mom came to check on her just as she was packing up her backpack for school the next day and picking out her outfit for the next day.
"Quinn" the woman said stoically "I have your medicine."
"I can handle taking it myself Ma." Quinn sighed, "You don't need to control it." she swallowed down the pills her mother handed her: an antidepressant, an antibiotic (no one sure where that razor came from), and the birth control she'd found helped with her hormones most.
"I don't trust you Quinn." Judy says "How can I? You never tell me what's going on in your life."
"Rachel's my girlfriend." Quinn says "Well…actually I'm not sure. She hasn't really taken me back."
"I didn't even know you were…" Judy looks down "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Can you even say gay or lesbian out loud mom?" Quinn argues "Say it."
"My daughter is gay." Judy locks eyes with Quinn "She's a lesbian. And I love her despite that."
"So you're not gonna send me to conversion therapy or something?" Quinn asks.
"I'm not your father." her mom says "Thank you for telling me, but I feel more comfortable if I keep your meds for now."
"Okay…" Quinn nods "I'm gonna go shower, but I'll try to keep you updated on my life I guess."
"Good." Judy smiles "Because I want to hear all about it."
The next day, Quinn nervously comes back to school, donning an old Cheerios hoodie. She needs to talk to Rachel properly, she's still not sure where they stand. She sees her girlfriend standing with her two best friends by their lockers.
"Quinnie!" Rachel says as soon as she sees her and practically jumps her as she hugs her. Quinn struggles to not lose her balance- she'd been neglecting her nutrition before she'd gone to the hospital too, mostly because she always felt sick. She'd regained her appetite since, but she was still thin. Rachel smiles at her happily and kisses the girl's palm. Quinn's heart flutters- she knows Rachel loves her and wants to be with her, but somehow she's not sure they are.
"Hey Q." Santana says tentatively. Asher sniffs the blonde before nuzzling her unoccupied hand. She gives him a quick scratch behind the ears before turning her eyes to the other blonde.
"Hey Brittany." Quinn says "It's, uh, good to see you."
"Likewise." Brittany is icy. Santana's eyes flash between the two blondes. Brittany pretend to be busy with her locker, and Quinn shifts nervously.
"We'll see you later in Glee." Rachel says, breaking the silence and pulling Quinn away with her. Santana turns all her attention to Brittany who closes her locker. She doesn't meet the mocha eyes watching her. She just lets her hand be taken in a caramel one and be led into the girls bathroom. Santana makes sure no ones there before she says anything.
"I know what she did was scary but Britt, she's our friend." Santana says as she locks the bathroom door.
"If she was our friend she'd never have done something like that. She's seen us do it, and did it work? No. Why would she do it too?" Brittany fumes.
"You know that's not how it works. She felt broken." Santana insists "Still does probably. And she needs us."
"I can't Sanny." Brittany says "Everytime I see her I see the blood and the blade."
"Britt…" Santana tries to meet blue eyes, but they're evasive. "Honey, you have to remember she's more than that. Nothing else can change your thoughts more. Think about the happy memories."
"I don't think I can do it." Brittany sniffles "Sanny, seeing her made me want to…"
"I know honey." Santana assures "And I will support you as best I can. Would talking to your therapist help? Maybe she has some ideas on how to work through it. Because you can't avoid her. We have almost all our classes together along with Glee."
"I guess, but I don't really feel comfortable having a whole conversation with her." Brittany admits "Am I a terrible friend?" Santana knows she needs to make sure Brittany doesn't feel that way, after all that's what sent her over the edge last time, feeling as though she was a bad friend to Kurt.
"No honey, of course not. You very well may have saved her life. And you saved Rachel from a lot of trauma." Santana kisses Brittany's forehead. She watches as emotion swirls in the blue eyes in front of her. She knows her girlfriend is fighting her instincts, it's always a fight to accept that you're good when you don't feel that way.
"Sanny" Brittany finally says "Do you have a lollipop?" Santana doesn't question it as she pulls a lollipop from her backpack and hands it to Brittany. Asher barks, reminding them they need to go to class. Santana leads the way, and they find their seats just as the bell rings. Quinn and Rachel are already there. Their history teacher starts lecturing and Brittany taps Quinn's shoulder and hands her a note.
I'm sorry is haphazardly on it in crayon. Quinn writes me too back to Brittany. A sort of understanding is found as Brittany puts her eyes back on her notebook which contains almost entirely doodles.
"I called my therapist." Brittany says as she sits down next to Santana at their tree. It's a rare day in November with no rain, so they happily sit in the fallen leaves.
"What did she say?" Santana asks as she refills Asher's water bowl.
"She said that I'll just eventually stop flashing back as I get used to seeing Quinn around more. I think she's right." Brittany says.
"I'm glad you talked to her. I think it'll help. How are you feeling?" Santana eats her lunch as Brittany takes her time to answer.
"Better. I saw Quinn in passing on my way out here and even said hi without any visions." Brittany smiles.
"Rachel is making her sit in that God awful cafeteria?" Santana shakes her head "Quinn's probably desperate for some fresh air right now."
"She looked pretty uncomfortable." Brittany admits "But I like our lunches together, just us."
"Me too babe. It's nice." Santana smiles "Do you want to visit the ducks this afternoon? Tia says most of them are gone but there's a few left."
"That sounds nice,but don't you think it might get dark kind of early?" Brittany worries.
"Yeah, but we should be able to get some time in with the sunset ducks." Santana says. Brittany shrugs in agreement as they eat their lunch.
Glee was pretty chill, Sectionals were done and they still had plenty of time to prepare for their winter concert. With that in mind, Mr.Schue let them leave early that day, much to Brittany's excitement since it meant more time with the ducks. She and Santana made their way to the park and found a few ducks still hanging out. It was surprising, seeing as the temperature was dropping and soon the pond would freeze over. The ducks usually head to warmer weather by November. However, there was a reason these ducks were still here. There was a relatively young duck from the last group of hatchlings still here, one they could recognize. This duck had one eye, and Santana had warned Brittany that the little duckling may not make it when the girl had almost immediately gotten attached. He'd grown up, but never once had they seen him fly. It seemed the other ducks still there were his siblings. He quacked at the girls. Since he'd hatched late that Spring, he'd started to approach them. He'd even eaten peeled grapes directly from Brittany's hands. He seemed to be intent on doing that again today. That's when Santana noticed that one of his wings was deformed.
"Britty" Santana whispered, and the blonde looked at her "He can't fly."
"Maybe he just doesn't want to leave us." Brittany answered.
"No, babe, he has a messed up wing." Santana said "He'll never survive in the wild."
"You said that when he was born and look at him how." Brittany argued.
"Honey, I'm serious." Santana said "We have to help him."
"How?" Brittany asks.
"Very carefully." Santana says "Stay here." She takes Asher back to the car and grabs an old box and returns. The duck quacks at her and she smiles, holding out a peeled grape. The duck walks up and takes it and she traps it . He wiggles a bit at first but he calms down quickly.
"What are we gonna do now?" Brittany says as she notices the rest for the ducks get ready to take flight.
"Well, we'll take him to the vet and I guess we have a pet duck now." Santana says.
"With a cat and a dog? Seriously San?" Brittnay sighs.
"Asher would never hurt a duck." Santana says.
"I can't argue with you. I've always wanted a duck." Brittany smiles. They make the short drive to the vet. He does what he needs to to make sure they can keep him as a pet and helps them register him as a legal pet. He also gives them a list of things that their duck will need, and Santana realizes she signed up for a lot of work. Luckily, a quick call to Ali and she assures she'll help out. They get a place for the duck set up outside, including a safe predator proof coop within a fenced in play area with hawk netting. Their vet also referred them to a neighbor who has ducks and he willingly gave them one so their new duck would have a friend. They don't want ducklings or eggs, so two male ducks is no problem for them. They carefully introduce them, and they get along really well.
"What are we going to name them?" Santana asks as Brittany fills up their food, water, and play tub.
"Well, you saved him. You should decide." Brittany says.
"Hmm…how about Pepper?" Santana asks and Brittany smiles in agreement. He's rather small for his breed, which is good considering their neighbor gave them a Call Duck who's even smaller than Pepper. They name the little white duck Salt, getting a huge eye roll from everyone they tell about their new pets. Santana also learns that she's made a long time commitment to these ducks, but Brittany is happy.
Quinn is the first friend to meet their ducks on Friday when she and Rachel come over for a double date. Brittany was a little nervous to spend so much time with Quinn, but seeing Quinn happier was helping. When they got back from their dinner at Breadstix, Quinn asks if Santana can help her with something. In the meantime, Rachel and Brittany sit with the ducks. Rachel is probably more obsessed with them tha Brittany. Her little vegan heart is so happy to know these ducks will never be anyone's dinner. Brittany's not sure how long they spend out there, but Santana calls them back in. She makes sure the ducks are securely in their coop and heads inside.
"I wanted to sing Rachel a song" Quinn says as Brittany and Rachel sit down on the couch. And I need Santana to play piano." Quinn smiles shyly and Santana starts.
Every night I try my best to dream tomorrow makes it better
And wake up to the cold reality and not a thing is changed
But it would be happen, gonna let it happen
Gonna let it happen, gonna let it happen
It's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out and no one's around it keeps glowing
It's just a spark but it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out and no one's around it keeps glowing
Rachel smiles as she listens to the song and Brittany catches Santana's eye and the Latina sends her a wink as she harmonizes with the other blonde. Brittany knows the feelings too well, but the song feels good. It feels empowering, and she can't help but jump up and hug Santana the way Rachel does to Quinn when the song is done. She pulls Santana into a kiss and rests their foreheads together as they pull apart. They turn to look over to Rachel and Quinn, and find them sharing a kiss too.
"Get a room!" Santana teases and Quinn laughs as she pulls away from Rachel. Rachel blushes profusely.
"Maybe we should." Quinn says softly to Rachel,and Rachel raises an eyebrow. "I'm not ready for a lot yet but…maybe something. We can take it slow."
"Should we go?" Brittnay whispers to Santana.
"This is my house." Santana crosses her arms.
"We're going!" Rachel sing-songs, and Quinn chuckles.
"Text us if you need anything!" Santana calls as they shut the door. They do one last check on the ducks before finding their way to a room of their own. They end up just snuggling and watching Hulu before falling asleep.
It's 1 am and Brittnay wakes up in a cold sweat, shooting up into a sitting position. Asher immediately knows something is wrong and helps to wake up Santana.
"Ash, off" the Latina groans before she hears a soft sniffle from Brittany.
"Britt?" Santana asks, grabbing her glasses and looking at her girlfriend. "Honey what's wrong? Are you okay?" A choked sob escapes Brittany's throat as she shakes her head no. Santana pulls her into her as the blonde's tears flow. Slowly, but surely, Brittany's tears stop. "Which memory baby?" Santana asks. The dancer points to a picture of Quinn. Santana takes a deep breath "Okay. And did you actually see her face in the memory?" Santana asked. Brittnay shook her head and then looked down at her own arms. It dawned on her she was probably actually remembering her own attempt. It could be either or both, but at that moment she just wanted to make the duo into a trio. She fought the urge, Santana watching her like a hawk- she knew she couldn't act regardless, but she needed to feel something. She needed to hurt. She looked at Santana, begging for help, what could she do. Santana pulled a rubber band from her own wrist and slipped onto Brittany's. At first, the blonde was unsure of the purpose, but as she played with it and felt the sting on her skin she realized what the gift was. It was like nicotine gum for a smoker, sometimes you can't quit cold turkey. Sometimes there's a step in between. Santana waits until Brittany isn't snapping the band with any sort of purpose anymore, just mindlessly, to set her hand on top of the girls to stop her motions. Blue eyes lock on brown, tears threatening to spill at any moment. Santana gently kisses her and helps her lay down again. She flicks off the light and pulls Brittany to her, peppering kisses on top of her head. Gently, she hums and sings the girl back to sleep.
It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood of these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have the only thing I know that's keeping me alive
Alive