do not fret, emo Santana has not been abandoned. I've just really been enjoying R44, but I still love this story with my entire being. song is by Set It Off. mentions of SH.

Chapter 41: I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

Brittany's nightmares came back in full force after the first one last Friday. They became more vivid and obvious of what she was remembering. Some old memories started to creep into the lineup as well, things she'd thought were in the past. Thanksgiving was on the horizon, and things weren't getting any better for the dancer. With Christmas being the next holiday, Santana knew things were going to get far more difficult after the upcoming break passed, and decided more intentional action was needed.

Brittany had taken a serious interest in caring for the ducks. She'd even started being suspicious of the Thanksgiving turkey that was soon to be the centerpiece of the upcoming Lopez-Pierce family dinner. Weren't turkeys and ducks distant relatives? And if she wouldn't eat the ducks, why would she eat a turkey? She was starting to understand why Rachel was a vegetarian. On the other hand, the ducks also brought her a lot of peace of mind. Their simple lives, despite the challenges Pepper faces, are full of joy. Sometimes Asher even sits outside their pen and watches them, and he can't stop his tail from wagging at their adorable waddling and quacking. It's in the duck pen again that Santana finds her girlfriend that Saturday morning, the first day of Thanksgiving break.

"Hey Babe." Santana says, joining Brittany in the duck pen and laying some new hay on the ground and adding more food to their bowl "How are Salt and Pepper doing?"

"They seem really happy. Are you sure they won't be too cold out here?" Brittany asks.

"I've installed heating lamps in the coop, and I ordered sweaters. I didn't even know they made sweaters for ducks, but I guess there's a market for nearly anything." Santana smiles "So they're happy. What about you?" Santana knows Brittany has been shoving her feelings down recently- it made the nightmares worse and also made comforting her much more difficult.

"I'm fine San." Brittany says off handedly "Thanksgiving will be good, we've got five great pets, though I'm not sure you ever count Lord Tubbington, and we're together. How could I be anything other than fine?"

"Because you haven't stayed in your own bed for weeks, and Liv keeps having to be to see you? You barely sleep and you have more conversations with ducks than you do people." Santana sighs "Honey, I'm really worried about you."

"Well stop it." Brittany groans "I'm fine. I haven't relapsed, I don't want to die. It's just a few bad dreams. They'll go away eventually."

"Can you please consider being proactive here?" Santana begs, and Brittany turns to her. "I'm scared. What happens if we both spiral?" Brittany walks Santana out of the duck pen, latching the gate carefully and making sure there's no holes in the protective netting. She ushers the Latina inside and up the stairs past Kelsey and Diego who eye them warily.

"You can cry now." Brittany says "I always feel better crying into a pillow."

"Crying isn't a solution." Santana says with a sniffle "You need to talk to your therapist and figure out how to stop these dreams."

"Not sleeping has worked pretty well." Brittany shrugs "I can just keep doing that."

"And have the little sleep you get plagued by your worst memories? That's not a solution." Santana argues.

"I don't need sleep. It just brings me more trouble anyway." Brittany grabs her guitar and starts to play a song that fits the situation all too well.

It's the same each and every night

Glare at my screen with two big bloodshot eyes

Santana sighs as she sings back

YOU'RE stuck self torturing

Brittany glares at her

My meds are failing me

Internal clock in smithereens

Can't fix this

I'm hopeless

Santana pauses the girl's hands on the guitar, and looks into her eyes. Brittany pulls away and stands up, continuing her song.

My eyes are stapled open wide

As I lay down on my side

I am bouncing off these walls

Santana knows the song and keeps up the fight

I notice your hands begin to twitch

Brittany strums the guitar harder, trying to get a louder sound

Unprovoked assaulting of my conscious wit

Santana stares Brittany in the eyes, fire behind her brown eyes burning bright.

You and the TV are enemies

Sickening static surrounds your mind

Brittany shakes her head

I'm losing time

Santana sings the next line like a question

And realizing that after days of thought that?

Brittany sighs

I'm stuck self torturing

My meds are failing me

Internal clock in smithereens

Can't fix this

I'm hopeless

Santana watches as Brittany dissolves to tears, but doesn't stop her strumming. Santana takes over the lyrics, knowing Brittany can't sing through the cries.

Your eyes are stapled wide

As you lay down on your side

Your bouncing off these walls

As I focus on the clock

Time stands still, but you cannot

You can't strap yourself in bed

You guess you'll sleep when your dead

You talk to yourself

Lie in the darkness so content

As the sun begins to rise

Brittany looks at Santana- the Latina had heard her conversations with herself late in the night…of course she had. Brittnay sucks in a breath, fighting her crying.

I can barely shut my eyes

This crazed delirious mess

Laughing at everything I see

My sanity is spent

Just tell me where my time went

Brittany pauses. She doesn't need to repeat what's already been said. She slides the guitar off her shoulder and places it back on its stand. Santana waits patiently- she can't keep extending the invitation, Brittany has to reach out to her. Finally, Brittany falls onto the bed, burying her head in a pillow to muffle her cries. Santana sits beside her and strokes her back, waiting for the girl to stop crying and return her breathing to normal before she says anything. It takes a while, probably ten minutes at least, for the blonde to roll over with tear stained cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Santana grabs a tissue and gently wipes away the few stray tears before gently kissing a freckled cheek.

"What am I supposed to do, Sanny?" Brittany whimpers. She turns to look at the Latina, lost. "How am I supposed to fight when I'm asleep?"

"You're not, honey. You have to talk to your therapist, tell her the truth. She can help you, give you ways to help stop the nightmares before they happen." Santana says "There's lots of methods."

"Why can't you just tell me them, I'm sure you know them, right?" Brittany whines. Santana takes a deep breath.

"What works for me isn't going to be the same thing that works for you. And your therapist will know better how to advise you. There's no need for you to try every method when your therapist may find the best one for you right away." Santana explains.

"Can you at least come to my appointment?" Brittany begs, and Santana agrees.

"I think, babe, that would be a really good idea. Now, what do you want to do today before we face her tomorrow?" Santana asks.

"Can we figure out a turkey alternative for Thanksgiving?" Brittany questions.

"I suppose we could ask Rachel. I don't think anyone else is going to agree to no turkey though." Santana chuckles.

"That's okay, just for me then! Maybe I should be vegan too…" Brittany wonders.

"You're not giving up ice cream." Santana smiles "but maybe vegetarian."

"Say, if we're talking to Rachel anyway, why don't we just hang out with her and Quinn?" Brittany asks.

"Are you sure seeing Quinn is a good idea?" Santana asked- things had gotten better between Brittany and the other blonde, but she still had nightmares about that day.

"Yeah, seeing her alive and well helps, I think." Brittany shrugs " As long as she's wearing a jacket."

"I wouldn't worry about that. It's barely 50 degrees today." Santana chuckles.

"Are you SURE the ducks aren't going to be too cold?" Brittany asks again.

"I've already put in warming mats and their sweaters are coming soon. But they'll be fine until it gets a lot colder." Santana assures the blonde.

"What about Asher?" Brittany asks as they get ready.

"He's a baby. We can put his jacket on." Santana grins "Right big guy?" He fakes a shiver beneath his thick fur. Santana puts his vest on and he whimpers that she didn't put on his jacket. "Ash, your part husky. Stop complaining."

"He just wants to match us San." Brittany says, layering a hoodie and her denim jacket.

"His fur is thicker than your two jackets combined. Plus his vest helps keep him warm anyway." Santana chuckles. "Go ahead and call Q and Berry, I'm gonna make sure the ducks are all the way in the coop." She heads outside and ushers them from the play area and into their proper wooden coop. She locks everything up tight and then heads back inside. They'd already had the coop tested. Ali's backyard security cam caught quite a few animals trying to get in, and they'd been entirely unsuccessful. Hawks had tried one day when Brittany had left the ducks out in the play area a little too late, but the fencing and netting stopped them. Santana was glad Ali had been so ready to help with their new pet- it wasn't exactly a small responsibility to take on.

"What are you up to?" Diego said as Santana got back inside "I saw you dragging Britt up the stairs pretty quickly earlier. And then y'all started singing again." he crosses his arms "is everything okay?"

"Yeah, she's just been having a lot of nightmares." Santana sighs "We're gonna focus on that with her therapist tomorrow."

"Are you not worried about yours coming back before hers stop?" Diego asks, and Kelsey peeks in from the kitchen.

"Of course I am. Hey Kels." Santana says "Look Go-Go, I've got it handled. Kels, will you keep this one calm?"

"I make no promises, but I'll try." she smiles.

"Cool. Brittany and I are gonna go find Quinn and Rachel and bug them. Have fun in the empty house- just not too much." Santana winks "Britt, let's go!"

"Coming! They wanna meet at the mall." Brittany says.

"Cool. See y'all later." Santana waved and grabbed her Beanie.

"Bye! Asher, let's go!" Brittany said and Asher trotted out after them, his leash in his mouth.

"Some dog those two have huh?" Kelsey said to Diego.

"Suppose he's pretty good looking for a dog. Talented too." Diego grinned "But I happen to know another dog far more handsome very personally."

"As do I." Kelsey smirked, pushing Diego towards his bedroom.

Outside of the Lopez house, Santana and Brittany made their way to the mall where they found Quinn and Rachel outside the doors, bickering again. Santana sighed- this was the last thing Brittany needed, and she honestly couldn't believe those two couldn't make it a month without arguing.

"What's the problem here?" Santana said as she approached, Brittany slightly behind her, as if Santana could protect her. Asher noticed the tension immediately and pawed at Santana's leg. Great- her anxiety was rising.

"It's nothing really. Just that Quinn doesn't want to hold hands in the mall." Rachel huffed.

"You're joking right?" Santana looked to Quinn who was pale as a ghost "Dios Mio, what are you thinking?"

"I'm just scared." Quinn said "I mean remember what happened to Kurt over summer?" Santana's hackles raised and immediately she felt Brittany put her arm into a vice grip. Asher pawed at her more urgently. She grabbed the harness and let him lead her to the nearest beach. Brittany was dragged with, never letting go of Santana's arm. She was in a full on flashback that was almost certainly going to turn into a panic attack. Luckily, Santana didn't have a full blown anxiety attack and was able to focus on the girl beside her. Asher noticed his Mami's focus and turned his attention to his Mama as well. He gently nudged the two girls arms apart and, understanding what he was trying to do, Santana helped Britt lay down, her head in her lap. This allowed Asher to perform DPT on Brittany. He was trained to respond to Santana, so he looked to her for instruction multiple time, but she consistently assured him he was doing exactly what he was meant to. Rachel, on the other hand, focused on shooing people away so they wouldn't gather a crowd. It took a bit, but eventually Brittany's eyes lit up with life again. Santana let out a breath, and Asher moved off the blonde so she could sit up. Quinn chewed her lip nervously- this was all her fault. Santana glared at her and Brittany followed her gaze.

"Don't San. Q didn't mean to do anything wrong, it's okay really." Brittany said.

"Not this time." Santana stood up "How dare you mention that in front of her? Do you have any idea the trauma she's been dealing with? Being around you is already tough for her. The least you could do is try to be considerate."

"I wasn't thinking, I just wanted to answer. I didn't think about how Brittany would respond. You asked what I was thinking and that was it." Quinn rambled.

"Exactly. You weren't thinking. You never consider how your actions affect those around you. I used to do the same thing, but it's time to grow up and take accountability. Rachel, I'm sorry, but Britt and I are going to need to go." Santana said.

"But San," Brittany said, "I don't want to go home. I want to see our friends."

"B, I love you, and usually I'd let this go, but if I don't go home now, I'm going to be the one having a panic attack." Santana whispers. "Please. Let's just go." Brittany nods and follows Santana to the car.

"Guys wait!" Rachel says "Maybe we can just come over to your place Santana?"

"I'm sorry Berry, I'm just not in the hosting mood." the Latina shuts the door to the backseat for Asher before climbing into the passenger seat while Brittany takes over the driving. Brittany keeps glancing at Santana as they drive back to the house. They were barely gone fifteen minutes and everything went to shit. She sighs as she parks the car in the driveway. Santana gets out of the car like a robot. Brittany runs ahead to open the door and yells that they're back. Diego peeks his head out into the entryway, and Brittany is 90% sure he has no clothes on.

"Why are you back so soon?" he gulps.

"It's a long story that I'll tell you when you have more clothes on." Santana says as she stomps up the stairs, Asher right behind her.

"Sorry Diego." Brittany says and he grunts back unintelligibly. She closes the door and Lady Domino wanders over to greet her. "Hey little kitty. Your Mami isn't doing so well. Guess your mama isn't either huh?" The cat just purrs in response as Brittany pets her. Diego emerges a few minutes later in sweatpants and a tank top and plops down on the couch. "I take it we interrupted something?" Brittany asks and Diego nods. "You didn't have to, y'know, stop, or only do it when the house is empty, we don't."

"I did not need to know that about my little cousin, but you two must be quiet. I've never heard anything." Diego says.

"Ever hear music playing at random hours of the night?" Brittany asks, and she smirks when Diego nods "Yeah, it's a method."

"God, I wish I'd never said anything. Kelsey, save me!" He yells pitifully.

"What?" She asks as she comes out of his room in one of his t-shirts and pajama pants. "Are you torturing him Brittany?"

"Not on purpose. I just was wondering why you all can't have fun just cause we're back." the younger girl shrugs.

"Diego is shy. Just kidding, we just, we feel weird you know?" Kelsey shrugs "Maybe you don't but we used to have a more private place and this isn't really private."

"I guess that makes sense. Well, I'm gonna go find Santana. She was pretty upset and I'm sure she needs a hug." Brittany goes upstairs.

"She has a point." Diego says as soon as the girl is gone "We don't have to wait until the house is empty."

"But what if they hear?" Kelsey blushes "I'd be mortified."

"It's not like they don't know we do it, it's not a big deal. Plus I'm sure we can keep quiet. Brittany says they play music to drown out the noise." Diego says.

"I guess we might as well test it then, right?" Kelsey says, and Diego chases her back to his bedroom.

Upstairs Santana is face down on the bed in an attempt to muffle her cries. She's actually pretty successful, but Brittany can see how the girl's body moves with each cry. Brittany isn't sure what to say, she's not even sure she should touch Santana. Eventually, she reaches a hand out and gently rubs slow circles between Santana's shoulder blades. Santana rolls over stopping Brittany's movements and pulls the blonde down on top of her and into a fiery kiss. Brittany pulls back- they'd promised each other no funny business when they were dealing with compromised emotions.

"Please B, I just need to feel you." Santana begs.

"No, you need to replace the bad feelings with good one. And we aren't going to tarnish that special feeling." Brittany says with finality.

"Then go! Just leave for fucks sake! If you're not gonna help then just get out!" Santana screams as her tears start again. The words sting, and Brittany tries to reconcile that Santana didn't mean it. She's just emotional. But she's not strong enough and she slides down the wall as tears fall from her eyes too. Santana has been her rock and now she doesn't want to be near her. That's it. Brittany has lost everyone. Her family is mad because she's never home, Quinn and Rachel are mad cause they left the mall, and Santana doesn't want her. She has nothing left. Her eyes scan the room for something sharp. Her handheld mirror! It was durable, but she was sure she could break it. Santana was still crying on the bed. But she wasn't calling for her. Not at all. Brittany knows better than to do what she wants to do. Her head is in full on war when Diego bursts in hot on Asher's tail.

"Brittany, put the mirror down." he says and the girl drops it. It clatters as it hits the ground but doesn't break. Santana hears Diego and whimpers out a weak "Go-Go".

"I'm here hermanita, it's okay." he says, cradling her carefully in his arms. "What the hell happened today Britt?" he asks.

"We…we went to the mall and um…Quinn said and…" Brittany is scared- Diego hasn't scared her this much since she first met Santana.

"Breathe chica." Diego instructs "I'm not trying to scare you, I'm sorry. I'm just worried."

"She doesn't know Go-Go." Santana says quietly.

"I don't?" Brittany asks "I was there, I remember saying hi to Q and Rach and then we left cause you were mad."

"Do you remember anything else?" Santana's voice is hoarse.

"Should I?" Brittany thinks "Q and Rach were fighting when we got there but I don't know why."

"That's okay." Santana says as she move to sit on her own, resting her head on Diego's shoulder. "They were fighting because Q didn't want to hold hands with Berry. The reason she didn't want to was the incident last summer."

"And she said his name in front of Britt in that context?" Diego asked, and Santana nodded "Which triggered a flashback."

"I don't remember any of that…" Brittany says "It's like amnesia."

"Well you were basically no responsive babe." Santana says "Ash had to perform DPT on you."

"He did?" Brittany looks at the dog who had probably saved her twice in a day "that dog is an angel."

"He brought me up here. He knew something was wrong." Diego admits "I left Kels high and dry so if you all don't mind I need to go beg for forgiveness ."

"No apology necessary." Kelsey says from the doorway "When someone's in trouble, we help, no matter what we're doing."

"I don't need the details on what that was." Santana says "Let's just try and get through Thanksgiving without another incident."

"Agreed." The other 3 say in unison.

That night, Santana is restless, still on edge about what Quinn had said so recklessly. She knew Brittany's nightmares were bound to be worse after a flashback like that, and was unsurprised when the girl woke with a blood curdling scream beside her. Santana pulled the girl to her as she fell apart, sobbing hysterically. It also didn't take long for Santana to realize that, in her fear, Brittany had wet the bed. That hadn't happened in a long time, and Santana worried that this nightmare was worse than all the rest. After she got Brittany's breathing slowed and her cries to small intermittent sniffles, she gently carried the girl to the bathroom. Brittany was disillusioned and thus easily let Santana run her a warm bath and strip her of her wet clothes. Santana gently set Brittany in the bath, making sure the girl was awake enough to not slip under the water. Assured of that, she made quick work stripping the bed, and before making the trek to get new sheets and put the old ones in the wash, peeked in on Brittany. She was absent-mindedly squeezing a rubber duck, and while Santana was glad to see active motion, she knew Brittany was detaching from reality. She returned a few minutes later and checked on Brittany again before making the bed.

"Hey baby." Santana said, gently stroking the girl's hair "How's your bath?"

"Needs more bubbles." Brittany murmured. Santana nodded and added some more bubble bath and some more warm water. Brittany smiled weakly at the Latina in thanks and went back to squeezing her rubber duck. Santana kissed the top of her head and went to put the sheets on. When she got there, however, she found Ali making the bed.

"Tia, why are you up? You don't need to do this." Santana said "You have to make it a certain way or-"

"The sheets come off overnight. I know Santanita. Eschuchme. (Listen to me). You focus on Brittany, get yourself clean too. Comprender?"

"Si. Gracias Tia." Santana says and she goes to join Brittany, bringing two new pairs of pajamas with her. She slides into the bath behind the blonde, who rests her head back against her chest. They soak in the tub until the water is no longer warm. Santana gets out first before helping Brittany out and wrapping her in a warm towel. The blonde hadn't said anything the whole time, and Santana didn't push. It was a comfortable silence where they could just be. The talking was coming soon as morning came, right now, they could just be. Santana helped the girl into another pair of pajamas and then dressed herself. They cuddled in bed with Asher and watched the sunrise- Brittany was too afraid to sleep, and Santana couldn't sleep when Brittany was emanating so much anxious energy. Eventually, after the sun was higher in the sky, they dragged themselves down to the kitchen. Ali was there already, brewing coffee and handing them each a bowl of yogurt and fruit.

"Eat. It'll give you enough energy to get through therapy. I'll drive you." she said, and Santana had no will to fight her. She was far too tired to drive- she knew that. Neither of them had bothered getting properly dressed before breakfast, so they went back upstairs quickly before they left. Brittany ended up just putting a bra on beneath her pajamas, and Santana changed into her favorite sweats and threw on a baggy sweatshirt. She handed a jacket to the blonde who shrugged it onto her shoulders. Brittany still had been mostly quiet. She'd said a few quiet things to Santana- I love yous and I'm sorrys mostly. Santana had replied accordingly, and let the girl be quiet as long as she wanted. They made their way back downstairs and into the car. Ali walked them up to the office and sat herself in the waiting room with them.

"You can just come pick us up after." Santana whispered.

"Don't be silly. I'll wait here." Ali insisted. Santana sighed, and when they were called in, was relieved to get away from her Tia's overbearing eyes.

"Good morning Brittany. Santana, it's good to see you as well. You'll be joining us today?" Dr.P says. Santana still went to her own therapy sessions with Hailey, but she'd met Dr.P on occasion with Brittany.

"It's morning." Santana said, tiredly slumping onto the couch beside Brittany.

"I take it you two didn't get much sleep last night?" Dr.P asks, and Brittany nods quietly, chewing on her lip nervously. She hands the blonde a lollipop and she happily sticks it in her mouth. "So you wanted to talk about overcoming your nightmares, right?" Brittany nods again. "Can you tell me about them?"

"I can tell you how they manifest, if you want." Santana offers.

"Sure,we can start with that." Dr.P clicks her pen.

"Well, she usually wakes up with a scream and then sobs for a while, and usually there's cold sweats too. Last night she wet the bed." Santana explains. Brittany looks down and pulls at a loose string on her pants.

"So that's not usual then?" Dr.P asks and Santana shakes her head "Good. So Brittany, what are your nightmares about?"

"Usually my attempt at school or Quinn's on Halloween." Brittany sighs "But last night wasn't that. I dreamt about what happened to me as a kid and what happened to Kurt at the mall. It all sort of fused, but it was really scary."

"Was there anything in particular that stood out as scary, or just the situation as a whole?" Dr.P asks.

"Well with the attempts, usually whoever it is ends up dying. So that makes those really bad. And then last night, the men were all these monsters." Brittany shakes her head "I don't really want to remember."

"That's okay. You're doing great. So, we're going to do a couple things. We're going to do imagery rehearsal therapy, which Santana I believe you're familiar with?" Dr. P asks and Santana nods "And then I want you to do a relaxing routine before bed as well. And try to keep it regular. I know you don't always sleep in the same place so do your best to replicate it. I also want you to take anti-anxiety medication at night rather than in the morning. I think this will help and should also alleviate some of the reactions you have to the medication. Lastly, and it seems silly, but get a nightlight and maybe try a weighted blanket or stuffed animal. Those can be really helpful, and should help keep your body feeling secure, which will ground your brain in reality." Dr.P finishes.

"If we do all that, you think it will help?" Brittany asks.

"I do. It might take time, but they should get better pretty quickly. They may not go away completely, but you should have a lot less and less extreme ones relatively quickly." Dr. P smiles.

"There's one other concern, why we are so worried about this actually. I tend to have nightmares around the holidays, they're sort of triggered by a time of year. And we're worried with us both having nightmares, it's going to be worse for both of us." Sanatana sighs "But we also tend to find comfort in each other."

"So, as much as I'd love to say you'll be able to snuggle and share a bed without worry, I can't. What will be best, and may help set a relaxed routine, is you sleeping in your own beds. I know you both are generally calmer around each other, but you're also teenagers. I don't think sharing a bed this much is healthy." Dr.P looks at them seriously "I have no real issue with it, but it could create some codependency. And we need to avoid that."

"If it's better for us…" Santana looks at Brittany sadly

"Then we ought to try it. Besides, it's really not fair to my family to never be there." Brittany shrugs.

"Great. I'll write down everything for you, and Brittany, we're going to add a couple extra meetings so we can do that image reversal therapy, okay?" Dr.P says.

"Of course, thank you so much." Brittany smiles.

They leave armed with skills to try and ward off the nightmares.

I should strap myself in bed

I guess I'll sleep when I am dead