Chapter 4

I haven't seen you in a month.
And nothing.
I'm a bit paler, a bit sleepier, a bit more silent.
But as you can see—one can live with no air.

- Maria Pawlikowska-Jasnorzewska

"We're going to need to figure out how to get werewolves to participate in our research," Gina told Rose as the two looked over the proposal.

"I think Damocles Belby gave his volunteers a small stipend when he was testing the Wolfsbane potion," Rose answered, and Gina frowned.

"We do have some funds, but I don't know that it would be enough for that," she scratched at her nose ring absent-mindedly before pushing her thick-rimmed lilac glasses farther up her nose.

"I wonder if we could find out who his donors were and see if they'd be interested in offering further funding," Rose mused.

"Worth a try. Researchers can be pretty protective of donors though," Gina said. "We also need to think about participant protections."

"Like what?"

"Well, we need to guarantee anonymity for one," Gina told her. "And we may need to take samples at a secondary location like St. Mungo's or at a different time of day. The Clinic is so high profile, and we do work with the ministry from time to time, werewolves might be hesitant to come here."

"Do you think Mungo's would partner with us?"

"Hmm, they've been willing to in the past, I can reach out to them if you want to work on donors."

"Sure," Rose agreed instantly.

"We're definitely going to want to ask Vic for help with sample analysis. What kinds of samples are you hoping to take by the way? We'll need to specify."

"Well, blood samples, obviously, but also enamel scrapings and nail clippings since lycanthropy spreads through a bite and their claws seem to have some detrimental effects to victims as well. Ideally, we would do this for them both as humans and during the full moon," Rose mused, and Gina raised her dark eyebrows in surprise.

"You want to take enamel scrapings from werewolves during the full moon?" She carefully emphasized her sentence, her almond eyes observing Rose calculatingly.

"Well yes… maybe not right away, but I think it will be necessary eventually," Rose answered, waiting to see if the woman would throw up her hands and walk away at this piece of news. Gina only nodded slowly.

"Let's see what our research looks like in an untransformed state first. It will also give us time to build trust with possible participants." Rose nodded at Gina's suggestion. She'd been doing research with Damien for four years now and had a better understanding of how to go about these things than Rose did.

"Thanks for helping me with this, I know you're busy with Damien researching metamorphmagi."

"No problem, we're a bit stalled on that area of inquiry anyways. If the ministry would let us bring in a muggle geneticist, we might get somewhere but they keep denying our request—statute of secrecy and all," Gina blew a strand of short black hair out of her face irritably.

"Maybe you'll get lucky and a witch or wizard will get born to one like with Vic," Rose suggested without much hope in her voice. Gina laughed.

"I won't hold my breath," she said with a wry smile. Glancing around the empty lab, Gina stretched and sighed. "I think it's time for us to head out. Everyone else has left. Didn't you say you had plans?"

"Yeah, my friends and I are hanging out tonight."

"Well, off you go then," Gina encouraged.

Rose didn't need telling twice. She hung her crimson lab robe in her locker and hurried out through the clinic entrance. Sam was already waiting for her outside, pushing a grumpy looking Kwesi back and forth in a stroller. Rose looked down at the small wizard in surprise but couldn't stop the grin that crossed her face when he began making excited noises upon seeing her.

"He was being absolutely atrocious, so dad asked me if I'd take him with us on our walk. He usually falls asleep in his stroller," Sam explained with only the barest trace of irritation in her voice.

"Cool, what all do you want to get," Rose asked as they walked towards the nearby Leaky Cauldron.

"Snacks, dessert, alcohol," Sam answered with a shrug. "You said Stefan wasn't gonna be around tonight, so we don't need to get enough for him, right?"

"Yeah, he's out of town for work this weekend," Rose agreed, managing to keep a straight face. Stefan had taken the opportunity of her wanting to do a girl's night to spend a weekend with Damien.

"I'm so excited for tonight, I am going to get drunk. We've been so overworked at the Ministry with this stupid World Cup," Sam grouched, tapping her wand against the brick wall so the two could access the Alley.

"I think that's the first time I've ever heard you describe anything related to Quidditch as stupid," Rose said with a wry smile.

"I know. I really am excited for it; I just can't wait for an end to all the preparations and a start to the actual match."

"Yeah, this would be a hard time to start at any department in the Ministry let alone the Department of Magical Games and Sports. You are liking it though?"

"So much. I really have to introduce you to Ludo Bagman, you'll love him, he's great fun and very nice. He said he might be able to get us into the pre-game mixer, if I get to bring a guest do you want to come?"

"Of course I do! But wouldn't you want to bring Ava?"

"She's already given me the go-ahead to ask you, you know she barely tolerates Quidditch."

"Well, if it happens, count me in," Rose grinned.

Sam was correct, and Kwesi did fall asleep while they shopped. The back of the stroller also made a fantastic place to set their groceries. The pair loaded up on chocolate frogs, magical floating popcorn, fizzing whizzbees, self-dipping chips, and various confectionaries and snacks. It wasn't until their last stop at the liquor store that the boy woke up again and began crying.

"Kwesi, come on," Sam said tiredly, picking the boy up from the stroller and trying to distract him from his post-nap tantrum.

"I can watch him if you want to go in and grab us something to drink," Rose offered, sensing her friend needed a break from her little brother. Sam gave her a grateful look and shoved the crying child into her arms, hurrying into the store before she could change her mind.

"Hey, none of that now," Rose told Kwesi with a smile, bouncing him on her hip. She wiped the tears from his eyes and tickled his round belly, eliciting a giggle from the small boy. She ran a hand through his light chocolate curls, brushing them away from his large brown eyes. Rose felt warm all over as she held him in her arms. Maybe her mother was right and children were what she needed to focus her attention—she thought Stefan would probably like that too. But somehow, the idea of having children in their current situation terrified her. It felt too late to second guess her choices now, but did she want to have kids with someone she didn't really love just because they were married?

"Rose?"

She turned her attention from the giggling child on her hip to the speaker. The bright smile she'd been giving Kwesi died somewhat when she saw just who it was that had said her name. She could feel her heartbeat quicken traitorously when their eyes locked. It was her first time seeing him since he had left.

"Hello Remus," she said softly, looking him over just as he was doing to her.

"You look like you're doing well," he said.

"You too," she replied quickly, and he chuckled knowingly at the lie. It must have been just after the full moon because he was quite pale and had dark circles under his eyes. His robes were looking shabbier than ever, and he had a listless air to him she'd never experienced before. The scars that had been fresh on his face when she'd last seen him had healed to soft pink lines that stood out gruesomely against the long-healed ones.

"I look like shit," he said, and she grinned.

"A bit," she agreed cheekily, and they laughed together. Her stomach squirmed at how much she'd missed talking to the man and listening to the sound of his laughter.

"I suppose I should congratulate you; I saw in the Prophet—"

"Thanks," she said quickly, hiking Kwesi higher up her hip with one hand. In a desperate attempt to change the subject, she gestured around Diagon Alley with the other one. "What brings you here?"

"Job applications," he said.

"How is that going?"

"Not very well," he said honestly and the two trailed off into an awkward silence. Rose recalled the horrid article the Prophet had done on him and Dumbledore. She imagined that it was even more difficult to find work now that he had been publicly outed as a werewolf.

"Ouch!" Rose winced when Kwesi grabbed a lock of her hair and gave an unexpectedly hard tug. He giggled unabashedly at her reaction while she carefully pried her hair free of his little fingers. "Knock it off you little imp."

"And who is this?" Remus asked, stepping closer and smiling at the small boy. Kwesi gazed curiously at the man and giggled when he made a silly face at him, drool bubbles accumulating at the sides of Kwesi's mouth.

"This is Kwesi, he's Sam's little brother. She's inside picking up some firewhiskey."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Asare," Remus said politely, extending a finger to the little wizard.

Kwesi reached out and grabbed for it, wrapping his fingers around Remus' own. Remus gently moved his finger up and down in a simulacrum of shaking hands and smiled goofily at the child. Rose felt a lump rise in her throat. It was almost too much to be standing so close to him with a child on her hip. Too easy to imagine what it might be like if this were their own child and they were just out walking together rather than having a chance meeting. He seemed to be having a similar train of thought as he glanced at her with warm sad eyes. The smile slowly slid from his face and he straightened up, disentangling his finger from Kwesi's grip. Stepping back, he cleared his throat awkwardly, his eyes sliding over her once more as if he were trying to etch the image of her into his mind.

"Well, it was nice seeing you again," he said, not quite meeting her eye as he started walking away. Rose felt panic at his sudden departure and turned quickly to watch him go.

"Remus!"

"Yes?" He paused and glanced back at her curiously.

"Would you, uh, would you want to get a drink sometime? You know… as friends. It would be nice to catch up," Rose felt her heart pounding erratically in her chest while she waited for his response. He ran a hand uneasily through his graying hair, looking at the ground. He seemed to be having some kind of internal war with himself. Finally, he looked up at her and gave her a small smile that set butterflies loose in her stomach.

"I'd like that."

Rose looked down at Kwesi, letting her hair fall into her face to obscure the warm blush and wide smile that refused to be suppressed.

"How do you feel about doing breakfast… tomorrow," she said, tucking one of Kwesi's curls behind his ear. She risked a glance at Remus who was looking flustered again, his eyes looking at the pair of them with… was it longing? The expression was quickly hidden when he scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. Rose wondered if he'd hoped to get out of the outing by agreeing to it and fleeing before they could make plans. She was not going to be ditched so easily.

"Tomorrow works," he said at last giving her a look that clearly communicated that breakfast was a lot more than the drink he'd just agreed to. Rose only smiled innocently return.

"Meet here at eleven? Sam introduced me to a place I think you'll really like." She said breathlessly, and he smiled at her sincerity despite himself.

"Eleven o'clock," he agreed dipping his head at her. "Until then."

"Until then," she agreed, unwilling—or unable—to say the word goodbye. She watched his shaggy head and patched cloak until he disappeared around the corner, her heart refusing to calm its relentless pounding against her chest. For a moment, it had felt as though not a day had passed between the end of term and the warm July evening. Rose wasn't sure whether to jump joyously or pound her head against the wall in frustration. Did she do the right thing asking him to join her for breakfast or was she just tearing open a wound that had barely begun to heal?

"Was that who I think it was," Sam asked, walking out of the door, clutching two large bags in her arms. Rose nodded mutely, strapping Kwesi back into his stroller. "What did you two talk about?"

"We're going to get breakfast tomorrow," Rose said quietly as they turned back towards muggle London.

"Is that… wise?" Sam asked cautiously.

"Thanks, Ava," Rose teased.

"She's infectious," Sam shrugged with a grin. "But I am worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt again."

"I don't either," Rose assured her friend. "Things just feel so… unfinished between us."

"Sometimes the best closure is no closure," Sam advised sagely. Rose gave her a sidelong glance.

"You'd be one to know," she said with mild sarcasm.

"Baba says it," Sam told her.

"I'm sure he's right. Still… I don't think I can just walk away from him"

"Just be careful."

The rest of their night was significantly more lighthearted. Despite the cloud of anxiety hanging around her at the thought of the next day, Rose did her best to enjoy her night with her three friends. Sam had bought a bottle of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Whiskey which led to an enjoyable—if occasionally disgusting—drinking game. Rose had a couple lucky shots of cotton candy and peach cobbler, one very strange shot that tasted like a full steak and mashed potato dinner, and one particularly disgusting shot that tasted like what she could only describe as dryer lint.

After a few hours of drunken revelry, Mari, Sam, and Ava began to doze on summoned mattresses. Rose, however, stayed awake long into the night, remembering the feel of Remus' hands on her body and waiting with bated breath for what the next day would bring. Had it been a mistake? She didn't know the answer to that question, but as of that moment, it was a mistake she wanted to make. Rose wasn't sure how she would react to sitting and talking with him. Would she be angry, would she be sad, would she be ecstatic? All of those emotions swirled around inside of her. Which would win out, she couldn't say.

Rose wasn't the only person who was struggling to sleep that night. Remus was also tossing and turning in bed, berating himself for even bringing himself to her attention. He should have turned around and fled as soon as he'd seen her. Instead, he'd been drawn irresistibly closer to her, completely entranced by the sight of Rose with a child on her hip. He had hoped that some distance might make him more aware of her flaws and imperfections. She had many of those. Rose was often selfish and insensitive, rude and self-important. Yet none of these characteristics had come into sharper focus over their weeks apart. Instead, they were balanced by her rare moments of empathy, the gentleness of her touch, her quick wit, the sound of her laughter, and her eagerness to learn about what she did not understand.

Remus laid awake in his bed and wondered how he would ever manage to get through having a meal with her tomorrow. It had been hard enough to walk away from her once.