Chapter 19

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

- William Shakespeare [Sonnet 116]

Rose paced nervously back and forth across the gravel lane that would lead her to Remus' cottage. Her heart was beating at double-time in her breast. She clutched the bottle of brandy she had brought to her chest, hoping that it might anchor her resolve. Glancing up at the cloudy sky, Rose felt small snowflakes settle on her face and begin melting against her skin warm skin. She felt lost, standing there in the gathering darkness. Would it be a mistake to go in? The consequences of continuing to meet with Remus had been plainly laid out for her that very morning. But she was feeling so sad and frustrated and lonely that the idea of going back home to a cold marriage bed and a man she had been cautioned to keep at a distance was almost unbearable. More than anything at the moment, Rose wanted to feel less alone.

It was with some surprise that she realized her feet had carried her to the picket fence. Turning at the gate, she looked around at the clearing the cottage was situated in, watching the snow accumulate on the boughs of trees. The snow was glistening from the warm light that poured out of the house, and Rose felt like she'd been plunged into a world painted in grays and whites. She heard the door behind her open and listened to the crunch of his footsteps across the snowy ground but couldn't bring herself to look at him yet.

"Isn't it beautiful," Remus asked, and the sound of his voice was so calm and inviting, Rose couldn't help but breathe a but easier.

Rose glanced up at him, admiring the way the light caught the silver strands in his hair just like it did the snow in the branches. His blue eyes were especially warm tonight. Without thinking, she reached out and wrapped her arms around his middle, pressing her face into his chest and breathing in the familiar earthy scents of his body. Remus stiffened momentarily, before wrapping his own arms around her and letting his chin rest against the top of her head.

"Do you want to talk about it," he asked, and she could feel the vibrations of his voice in his chest where she laid her head.

"Not really," she said quietly, closing her eyes when he reached up and ran a hand gently through her hair.

"You're cold," he said, when his fingers brushed across her cheek. "How long have you been out here?"

"Not long," she lied.

"Let's go inside," he suggested, and Rose nodded, allowing herself to be led into the warmth of the cottage. He helped her out of her coat, and Rose untied her snow-covered boots, setting them in the entryway where they could dry. There was almost a strange intimacy in this action—as if there was a place for her here. Following Remus, she wondered if this was what it would have been like to come home the past few months had he let her come with him back in June.

"I brought you this," she offered the bottle of brandy to him. "Since you made dinner."

"Do you want me to open it now? You look like you could use a drink," he offered, already turning to the cabinet to pull out a pair of glasses by the time she nodded.

"It smells great in here," Rose said, enjoying the quiet and the freedom to just stare at him while he poured them drinks. He looked more relaxed today than she'd seen him in a long time, as if years of worry and care had left him. Lately, the only time they'd seen each other was the couple times a month she took samples at St. Mungo's, and he was always on edge there. Looking up, he smiled at her compliment, his shaggy brown hair falling casually into his eyes from the movement. It made her heart lurch in her chest.

"It's the garlic cloves. I roasted them for the pizza," he explained.

"You made pizza," she asked in surprise? Rose had only ever had pizza with her friends and they'd only ever ordered it in. "That sounds difficult."

"It's not hard, just takes practice," he explained, offering her one of the glasses of brandy.

"Will you teach me some time," she asked, taking a small sip of the aromatic drink. Remus leaned back against the counter and sipped his own drink, looking down at her thoughtfully. Rose thought she knew what he was thinking—that he was weighing the appropriateness of agreeing to such a request. Slowly, he nodded.

"Just let me know when," he said. Rose tried to hide the wide smile that accompanied these words by taking another sip of her drink but wasn't sure she managed it.

"I thought we'd eat in the living room, we can watch the snow from there," he said, gesturing through the door.

"That sounds great," she replied, following him into the cozy room. There was a fire in the fireplace today, and Remus had set out the pizza on the coffee table. An old record player in the corner was playing a relaxing jazzy instrumental piece that she wasn't familiar with. A large bay window lined one wall and through it they could easily see the snow gathering on the ground and the trees outside. Though at first glance the space gave off an intentionally romantic air, Rose didn't miss how careful he was to sit at the far end of the couch from her and did her best to give him space. As the couch had not been designed for a full three people in mind, this was easier said than done. Rose couldn't help thinking back to the many days of sitting beside him, marking papers at Hogwarts.

While they ate, the two made easy conversation. It was only after they had finished that the awkward silence descended. Remus stared at her over the rim of his glass, distracted for a moment, by the way her red hair shone in the firelight. The corner of Rose's full lips tugged back in a cheeky smirk, and Remus, realizing he'd been caught, quickly drained his glass and stacked their plates together.

"Would you like another drink," he asked, flicking his wand at the plates to levitate them at his side. He felt like kicking himself as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Now that dinner was done, there was no reason for her to stay. Just like last time, it would be safest for them both if she left. But looking down into her hazel eyes and seeing the loneliness there, a loneliness mirrored in his own heart, he couldn't help wanting her to stay just a bit longer.

"I'd love one," she said with a small smile, offering the glass to him. Remus tried very hard not to let his fingertips brush her own as he took it from her and went into the kitchen.

Rose stared into the flames of the dying fire and felt the familiar coldness that had crept over her since that morning seeping back into her limbs. She wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep breath.

'I should go,' she thought. 'It would be safer for both of us if I did.'

But when Remus walked back into the living room, a glass of brandy in each of his hands and a look of concern on his face when he saw her, all thought of leaving was put far from her mind. Setting the glasses down on the coffee table, he knelt in front of her, grasping one of her hands in his own and looking into her face searchingly. Rose couldn't help the ache in her chest at the way his eyes flickered between her own.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it," he asked again, tucking one of her curls behind her ear. Rose leaned her cheek against his palm, closing her eyes at the familiar touch. And for a moment, Rose was sorely tempted to tell him everything. To tell him about Stefan and the Dark Lord and Dumbledore's warning. But Severus' reprimand echoed around in her head—the more she revealed, the more she put herself and those she loved in danger.

"It's nothing. I promise." she said, opening her eyes and gazing into his own. "Can I have that drink?"

She saw his lips press together in the barest sign of irritation, but he let his hand fall from her cheek, and he passed her a glass of brandy. Sitting down beside her again, he threw one of his arms casually across the back of the couch. Rose didn't care whether this was an invitation or not. Drawing her legs up, she shifted to lean into his chest, taking another long sip of her drink.

'Don't be greedy,' she thought to herself when she felt him stiffen once again. But Rose wanted to be greedy tonight. They sat that way for several minutes watching the snow fall and the fire glow lower in the hearth. Despite the heat of his body, the fire, and the pleasant burning of the brandy in her stomach Rose still felt cold.

"I hate the snow," she said at last in a monotonous voice. "It always reminds me of my first winter at the orphanage."

She was surprised when Remus set down his glass and stood up. She'd never been in such a bleak mood around him before and was wondering if he was angry with her. Instead, grasping one of her hands, he pulled her up too.

"Remus, what are you doing," she asked, when he guided her towards the small patch of empty carpet in the room.

"If you won't talk about it, I can at least try to distract you. If by nothing other than my terrible dancing," he said. Lifting his arm, he spun her completely out of time to the music and pulled her back into his arms.

Rose couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. She'd learned to dance with Draco at a young age and had grown up going to parties and balls where knowing the steps to a waltz or tango was a must. Not once in her life had she ever danced the way Remus was dancing with her now. One of his hands was looped lazily around her waist, the other held hers in a casual, relaxed grip much too close to their bodies to look elegant or be effective for leading her. He clearly wasn't following any particular type of step, just shuffling his feet in time to the song, turning them both in a small circle.

"I like your dancing," she said, looking up at him and smiling. He grinned at her, spinning her again. When he pulled her back, Rose leaned into him, warmth spreading through her body.

"You won't say that after I've trodden on your feet a few times," he joked, a boyish smirk spreading across his face.

"Why do you like the snow so much, Remus," Rose asked while they revolved slowly on the spot.

"It reminds me of my first winter at Hogwarts," he replied. "It's the first Christmas I remember having friends."

Rose didn't know what to say to this, so she just squeezed his hand, but the affectionate look he gave her when she glanced up at him told her that it was enough. She let her head settle against his shoulder, enjoying the closeness of his body and the heat he gave off. She felt as if his large hand at the small of her back was searing her even through the sweater she wore. Shifting her hand to his shoulder, he let his hand slide down to join the other one at her waist. Rose's breath caught in her throat as their bodies came into fuller contact with one another. Her entire body felt hyperaware of each sensation, of the beating of his heart, of the smell of his body, of the curve of his chest beneath his shirt.

"I think I could learn to like the snow," Rose said after a while. She lifted her head enough to look up at him and was startled to find just how close they were. The dilation of his pupils and the heat in his eyes sent a jolt of electricity through her body.

"Rose," he began, his voice huskier than she'd heard it in months, but whatever he intended to say seemed caught in his throat. Rose's lips parted to ask what it was, only to suddenly find his lips on her own.

She couldn't help the moan that immediately escaped her lips, her arms sliding up around his neck while his tightened their hold of her waist. This kiss was nothing like the ones they had shared in Godric's Hollow. It was not cautious or sad, but full of desire and mutual longing. Merlin, she had missed this. The softness of his lips against hers, the scratch of his stubble, the taste of his mouth. One of his hands traveled up capture the back of her neck, the other finding the bare skin beneath her sweater. Rose felt like her knees might give out at any moment. She hadn't realized just how much she needed to touch him, to kiss him, to be caressed by him, until this moment.

When they broke away, minutes later, it was to her severe disappointment, and she quickly tried to return her mouth to his own, but his hands on her arms stopped her.

"I'm sorry. We… we should stop," Remus panted, and Rose couldn't help the intense anger that flared up in her stomach at this statement. She hadn't started this and, now that he had, he just wanted her to forget it?

"Why? Why should we?" She asked, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Please, enlighten me Remus."

"Rose," he said in a tone of disapproval, but she glared at him and he sighed. "Rose, you're married."

"Son of a bitch," Rose cursed loudly, pulling away from him and walking towards the door. She heard him follow her and there was obvious frustration in his tone when he next spoke.

"You are married. Am I supposed to just forget that?" Rose whirled around and stabbed her finger into his chest.

"You're right. I am married. You left, and I married Stefan Dolohov just like you wanted me to—"

"I wanted?"

"Yes, you wanted. You wanted me to go off and live my life without you and be happy. Well did it ever occur to you—brilliant as you are—that maybe my life can't be happy without you in it? Because I've tried. I really have. For months. I have money, I have success, I have a husband who I can be with in public, and I'm not happy, Remus. I'm fucking miserable," she shouted, and he looked taken aback by the torrent of words that were pouring out of her. "I love you. I love you with everything I am. I love you despite knowing how much easier it would be not to love you. I can't go a day without thinking about you, wanting you, needing your smile, your voice, the sound of your heartbeat. And I know—I know you love me too or you wouldn't have asked me here."

And she said the last part a little desperately because the idea that he might not love her—might not feel that same burning desire that she felt for him—was an idea too terrible to imagine.

"I love you, Remus Lupin," she said, and the sentence felt almost like a prayer.

Whatever gods existed in this messed up universe she was living in must have been listening because suddenly his lips were on hers again, devouring her with a passion she'd never experienced before. She could taste the saltiness of tears in their kisses—whether his or her own, she was not sure. It wasn't long, however, before the tears dried and desire took over.

She felt his hands slide up her sides beneath her sweater, raising goosebumps across her flesh. His fingers closed at the small of her waist, slowly guiding her backwards while they kissed. Rose was vaguely aware that they were moving down the hallway. Their progress was impeded when she was backed into the door of the bedroom, but as he took the opportunity to slide her sweater up and over her head, she didn't really mind. She could feel just how hard her nipples had become when the cool air hit them, and she gasped into his mouth when his hands found their way to her breasts.

Reaching behind her, Rose groped for the doorhandle, shoving the door open so they could stumble into the room. The back of her legs found the bed quickly enough, and Remus pushed her back onto it, taking a moment to stare down at her in appreciation. Rose watched hungrily as he unbuttoned his shirt and slid it off his broad shoulders. Climbing into bed with her, he slid a hand up her stomach to cup one of her breasts, his fingers gently teasing her nipple. Rose dropped her head back when his lips sought out her neck, planting kisses across the smooth flesh he found there. She moaned when his teeth grazed her collarbone, and she pressed her chest against his, molding her body to his own. Hooking one leg around his hip, she ground herself against him, eliciting a sharp intake of breath that made her grin.

"Get these off," he said into her ear, tugging forcefully at her pants. Rose was happy to obey, squirming out of them and kicking them onto the floor. Reaching down, she ran a hand across the front of his pants, biting her lip at the feel of him through the fabric before fumbling with his zipper. As soon as they were off, she shoved him onto his back so that she could straddle him. Rose pinned his hands over his head, grinding herself against him and sliding back and forth across his length teasingly. Remus stared up at her with dark lusty eyes.

"Enjoying yourself, pet?" He asked with a smirk on his face. Rose grinned, releasing his hands to toss her long red hair over her shoulder.

"A bit, yeah," she teased. His smirk turned wolfish and before she had time to regain control of the situation, his hands had moved to her hips and he'd thrust up into her—filling her completely.

"Remus," she gasped, throwing her head back in pleasure at the sudden intrusion. His fingers dug into her hipbones, guiding her as she rode him before one of his hands found its way to her clit and began rubbing slow circles there. Rose could feel just how fast she was going to come from this—it had been so long, and she had wanted this so much.

"Fuck," she gasped as her pleasure built, running her nails over his chest. She didn't miss the smirk that crossed his face when the word left her lips. Sitting up, he wrapped an arm around her waist and flipped her onto her back, pulling one of her legs up over his shoulder while the other was pressed into the mattress.

Their lips found one another's again but Rose couldn't help the small mewls of pleasure that escaped her mouth every time he thrust into her. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten how perfectly their bodies fit together or the way the weight of him pressing down on her filled her body with a burning heat. She could feel him quicken his pace and knew he wasn't going to last much longer either. With a cry of pleasure, Rose's head dropped back into a pillow and her back arched as she came around him. Remus' head dropped against her shoulder, and his whole body tensed up before suddenly relaxing.

For several moments, Rose was only aware of the haze of pleasure in which she found herself, the slick sweatiness of their skin, and the sound of them panting in the semi-darkness. He groaned softly when he finally pulled out of her, collapsing beside her on the mattress, his head laying on her bare breast. Rose let the fingers of one hand trail lazily through his hair while they laid there, their heartbeats slowly returning to a normal pace. Lifting one of his hands, he grasped hers and planted gentle kisses on her fingertips before propping himself up on his elbow to look down at her.

"I love you, Rose," he said, running his thumb across her cheek and kissing her softly.