PART ONE: IN VITAM
Chapter V: Two of Wands Upright
By Friday morning, I no longer vomited after using the diadem. It was still by no means a pleasant experience, and my head throbbed after wearing the diadem for long periods of time. Thankfully, Lily noticed I'd been suffering from headaches every morning and brewed me a potion to cure them.
I needed to take a break from the diadem soon. Using it for hours on end every day couldn't be good for me. But…there was still so much to learn. I had just made it halfway through the first-year coursework and some of the second-year spellwork. My progress had slowed down considerably now that I had to do readings and essays for my current classes as well.
One upside to Marlene's schedule was that her Friday mornings were completely free of classes. This meant I could hole myself away in the Room of Requirement. After taking a couple gulps from the flask Lily had given me, I put on the diadem, opened up the Divination textbook, and began preparing for my second meeting with Evan Rosier.
I dreaded it. I could still remember his stare, following my every movement. The knowing glint in his eyes… If I could drop Divination and spend the rest of the year avoiding him, I would. Unfortunately, dropping the class would only increase his and everyone else's suspicions.
No, I would just have to keep returning to the North Tower and hope I had studied enough to fool Rosier.
A little before noon, I put away the diadem and followed Helena's directions to the library. After checking out under the librarian's fierce stare, I made my way down to the Great Hall for lunch. Lily found me outside the double doors, and she led me over to the Gryffindor table where Mary and Dorcas helped themselves to sandwiches and cooked vegetables. I took the seat beside Mary, while Lily settled on the bench opposite.
Mary had a piece of parchment in front of her, and she held a large, feathered quill in her right hand as she wrote something in black ink. I could see the words "Dear Reggie" written at the top of the paper and a few words like "miss" and "love" stood out from the rest of her cursive handwriting. Either a boyfriend or a family member, I guessed.
"How's Reggie doing?" asked Lily as she scooped a spoonful of steamed carrots onto her plate.
"Good." Mary glanced up from her letter and gave a big, soppy smile. Boyfriend then. "He's learning a lot at his internship. He says hello, by the way."
"Hello, Reggie," said Dorcas, speaking at the piece of parchment.
"Does he think he's going to stay at the Ministry after?" asked Lily.
"I don't know," said Mary. "He really enjoys what he's doing—examining continuous spells and finding ways to strength and repair them—but who knows how long he can do that, what with the war going on."
Lily grimaced, and Mary seemed to grow upset at her own words. Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap, knuckles turning white.
"What about you, Marlene?" asked Dorcas. She turned to me with a wide, forced smile.
"What about me?" I asked.
"How are things going with Sirius? Any progress?"
To say I was surprised was an understatement. I almost dropped my sandwich as I gawked across the table at Dorcas. Of course, I really shouldn't have been surprised at that point. Marlene had left out so much information about the previous seventeen years of her life that it wouldn't have been shocking if she turned out to be a selkie. Still, I hadn't expected her to have not-so-secretly fancied Sirius Black, and I had to give a little, fake cough to hide my mistake.
"What? That?" I gave a small laugh. "I guess, I, uh, got over him during the summer holidays."
"Really?" asked Mary. At least, we had distracted her from worrying about her boyfriend. "You mean no more fawning over Sirius's gorgeous hair?" She ran a hand through her own dark hair and batted her eyelashes at me.
I was embarrassed for Marlene. For her sake, I sincerely hoped she hadn't raved about Sirius's hair to her friends. "You know, I don't find shag cuts that attractive anymore."
Lily hid a laugh behind her hand. Her face was pink when she looked back up at me and said, "It's all right to still admit he's fit. Even I think his hair is gorgeous."
She and Mary glanced at one another and then they both collapsed in a fit of barely suppressed giggles.
"Well, I'm proud of you," said Dorcas. "I knew your taste in men had to improve some time."
When her laughter finally died off, Mary resurfaced and said, "Getting over Sirius Black is part of growing up." She let out a dramatic sigh. "Remember the little spats we'd have over Sirius back in fourth year?"
I nodded because I didn't know what else to do.
Dorcas smirked. "And then he dated Angelice Codde." She threw a joking glare in the direction of the Ravenclaw table.
I figured I was supposed to follow suit, and I scowled over my shoulder even though I had no idea who I was supposed to be looking at.
"She's happily snogging Eddie Park every chance she gets now," said Dorcas after taking a sip of her pumpkin juice.
"Oh?" Lily leaned forward eagerly. "When did this happen?"
Dorcas shrugged. "I've seen them a few times outside the Hufflepuff common room. Eddie turns bright red every time I catch them."
Mary and Lily laughed, and I smiled along with them. I was being far too quiet in this conversation, but I knew none of the people involved in the gossip. I took a big bite of the sandwich, chewing and giving myself time to think of something I could contribute.
"So, Lily," I said at last, "any progress with James?"
Lily let out a frustrated sigh. "Why would there be any progress?"
"The sooner you admit you fancy him," said Dorcas, "the sooner we'll all be at ease. J—"
"Shush," hissed Lily. "They're coming."
I looked down the length of the Gryffindor table and quickly spotted the four boys making their way towards us. James had a mischievous glint in his hazel eyes, while Peter had his head slightly bent. Remus and Sirius walked a little behind the other two, having an intense conversation.
James grinned at Lily as he slid into the seat next to her. I watched Lily, her ears starting to turn pink, while Peter sat down next to me and Sirius beside him. I wrinkled my nose when I caught sight of Sirius as his "gorgeous" black hair out of the corner of my eye. Thankfully, Sirius leaned forward and continued his discussion with Remus, and I didn't have to force myself to have a normal conversation with him.
I'd been a fan of Sirius Black when I'd read the books, and I'd probably have listed him among my favorite characters. But now that I'd met him in person, I found aspects of Sirius's in equal parts charming and arrogant personality that unsettled me and brought back memories of an ex I'd rather forget.
Peter was also someone I had a hard time talking to, though for a completely different reason. Every time I looked at his wide, brown eyes and cheeks that hadn't yet lost their baby fat, I remembered that he would murder twelve people and blame Sirius for the crime. He would then spend the next thirteen years as a rat before returning to Voldemort's side and helping him regain a physical body. How could someone fall so far, change so much? What could make him abandon his friends so completely? Why would he choose Voldemort and the Death Eaters?
I took a sip from my goblet of pumpkin juice. Around me, Marlene's friends and the Marauders chatted happily. Remus and Sirius discussed an article they'd read in the Daily Prophet. James animatedly told Lily about an encounter he'd just had with Professor Slughorn, while Dorcas and Mary compared Care of Magical Creatures essays. Only Peter and I sat in silence.
He would regret it, in the end, I reminded myself. That's why the gifted silver hand had strangled him. It had sensed his remorse. He would regret it, in the end. And with that thought, I turned to Peter and asked, "How's your day going?"
Peter looked a little startled that I'd address him. He glanced down at his plate of untouched food and then back up at me. "Oh, uh, all right."
My plan, of course, had been to not get involved with other people's personal matters, but for Peter, I would make an exception.
"You look pale." I nodded towards his plate. "You really should eat."
Peter bit him bottom lip. Then, he picked up his fork and ate one of the steamed carrots from his plate.
"That hardly counts," I muttered.
Peter gave me the barest smile. "Sorry. I'm not very hungry."
I understood that feeling all too well. Somewhere near the beginning of secondary school, I'd lost my taste for food. I would sit on the school grounds and watch as my friends enjoyed their lunches. Finally, one of them started bringing something a little extra for me every day and insisting that I eat at least that much.
"It's important," I said. "We still have a long afternoon of classes. You don't want to run out of energy in Professor Shafiq's class."
Peter shuddered at the thought of the strict Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He took a bigger bite of steamed carrots. He saw me watching him and, blushing, said, "I'll eat, I'll eat."
"Good." I smiled as I turned back to my own half-eaten plate. That was my first one-on-one conversation with Peter Pettigrew. If I hadn't read the Harry Potter books, I certainly wouldn't have thought of him as a future mass murderer. I glanced sidelong at the small boy nibbling at his lunch beside me. That was the trick of it, wasn't it? You didn't always know which ones would turn out to be Death Eaters.
When he caught me staring, Peter took an even bigger bite, making a show of it for my sake. Smiling, I helped myself to my sandwich.
"Do you have a class after lunch?" asked Peter.
I frowned at him, my mouth full of food.
"None of us have one," said Peter quickly. "So we were talking about going down to the lake, and I thought… because you haven't hung out with us in awhile…" He trailed off. To cover his awkwardness, he stuffed his mouth with mushy peas, which of course only made things more awkward.
"Sorry," I said. "It sounds like a good time, but I have Divination next period."
"Oh." With a wry smile, Peter said, "You don't sound thrilled."
I fought back a laugh. That was the understatement of the year. "Preparing for battle" was probably the best description of how I felt right then.
I had studied the tarot cards while wearing the diadem. I had spent hours examining the photographs on the wall behind Marlene's bed, memorizing the faces that appeared, figuring out her friends and family. Dorcas and Lily appeared the most times on the wall. Followed by Mary and then a tall, auburn-haired boy who I assumed was Marlene's younger brother, Hartley. James appeared on there a surprising number of times. There was one photo even I found charming of James and Marlene in their Quidditch gear, covered in mud and laughing. Judging from the photos, the Hufflepuff Quidditch team had won the cup twice while Marlene played for them. I'd also found a picture of Marlene and Hartley at a game holding a black banner with the white words "Montrose Magpies", so I figured they were fans. I had done everything I could to be prepared for whatever trick questions Rosier might throw at me, and still—still—it didn't feel like enough.
"I don't know why you insisted on taking NEWT Divination," said Sirius. He spoke with a drawl that tried and failed to conceal his posh London accent.
"You could have had a free period with the rest of us," said Lily, looking away from her conversation with James.
"It's interesting," I said. There was some truth to these words. In my own world, I believed things like fortune-telling to be a pile of cow shit, but here, I knew that some prophecies and predictions turned out to be true. Despite the threat of Rosier hanging over me, I'd enjoyed learning about the meanings of the tarot cards. "I won't ever be a great Seer or anything like that, but there's something fascinating about reading the cards predicting the future."
Sirius grimaced. "If you say so."
"My Divination partner is the worst, though." I said the words casually, allowing the slightest hint of genuine annoyance to show, while I scanned the faces of Marlene's friends, searching out their reactions. Remus and Mary nodded along with my words, while Lily looked uncomfortable. Perhaps she felt uncomfortable because Rosier hung out in the same group as Snape.
"Rosier is a prat," said Dorcas. "What else is new?"
"Isn't his da one of those high-ranking Ministry officials?" asked Mary. "The type that pay their way out of everything."
"Did he do something to you, Marle?" asked James with narrowed eyes.
"We just have to find him in a dark corridor…" began Sirius.
Remus scoffed. "You're going to hex Rosier?"
"Is that a challenge?" asked James.
"That's why the corridor has to be dark," said Sirius. "So we have the element of surprise."
Peter nodded along with Sirius's words.
"You're going to sneak up on him?" asked Dorcas. "What kind of Gryffindors are you?"
"The smart kind," said Sirius.
"You are not going to hex Rosier," said Lily, snapping into her Head Girl voice.
There was in something in their tones that was full of meaning, but I couldn't figure out what it meant. From the way they spoke, I was supposed to understand why they needed a dark corridor to hex Rosier. I bit back my questions. Asking would only raise suspicions.
Lily turned to me with a slight frown. "You usually say he's an all right bloke. Did something happen?"
"Uh, no." I took a sip of pumpkin juice to hide the surprise. Marlene hadn't hated Rosier? The future Death Eater? Had I read the whole situation wrong? I'd assumed that Marlene would hate his type and I'd treated Rosier with cold-dislike in our last meeting, but maybe that wasn't right.
"Well, Divination partners are like that," said Remus. "That's how Emmeline and I got to be such good mates."
"And how Sophie started dating Ludovic Bagman," added Mary.
James pulled a face. "Even so… Is Rosier worth defending, Marlene?"
"You shouldn't talk," said Lily, prodding his shoulder. "You don't know how many times she's defended you."
James grinned. He placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head towards me. "For which I am deeply grateful."
I rolled my eyes. My gaze met Dorcas's, and she looked pointedly at Lily and James. I nodded. Lily may still be in denial, but it would happen soon.
"I should head to Divination," I said, gathering my things.
"Have fun," said Peter with a warm smile.
With a wave goodbye to Marlene's friends, I made my way out of the Great Hall and up to the North Tower. Time to see if my studying was enough.
We began learning a new layout for the tarot cards in Divination that day: the five-card spread. It was a simple pattern, but unlike the three-card spread, it focused on the outcomes of possible courses of action.
After a lecture from Professor Vablatsky, we turned to our partners and started reading the cards. I volunteered to go first. I did everything perfectly. I lifted the cards by the edges, keeping the bottom of the deck turned so that neither of us could glance at it. I overhand shuffled the cards so as not to bend them. I let him cut the deck before I set them neatly on the dark violet table cloth in front of me. Then, with baited breath, I waited for his question.
"What will happen if I don't do my coursework this weekend?"
He chose a benign question. Easily asked and just as easily answered. My hand dropped to the table, leaving the deck untouched, and I met his dark eyes with a scowl. His mouth curled up into a half-smirk.
"Are you going to draw the first card?" he asked.
He knew. He knew I'd be prepared this class. He wanted to mess around with me. He had to know by now that I wasn't Marlene McKinnon. But how could he? Perhaps he was still uncertain. If that shadow of doubt existed, then I needed to work at it. I had to make that uncertainty grow. I had to make him believe that maybe I really was Marlene McKinnon.
I drew five cards and, without looking at the book, read his fortune. I gave answers as pointless as the question he had asked, and then I slid the deck over to him so he could practice.
The next few questions, from both him and me, were useless. What will happen if I drop Divination? What will happen if I tell my friend her haircut is ugly? What will happen if I don't go home for the holidays? All questions meant for the five-card spread, but all utterly useless in learning about Rosier. I wanted to throw the deck of beautifully hand-painted tarot cards in his face. After all that practice and all that stress, he was going to make this easy for me. What a twally-washer.
"What will happen if I follow in my father's footsteps?"
Rosier's question caused my head to jerk up. Our eyes met. His left eyebrow was quirked slightly higher than the other, daring me to ask him more. As if I would give him the satisfaction. I said nothing as I set the deck of cards down between us.
What was he thinking? Surely, he wouldn't ask such a dangerous question in the middle of Divination class. His da was a Death Eater. Was he really asking on Hogwarts grounds if he should join the ranks of Voldemort's followers? This was another test, slipped in after all those pointless questions had lowered my guard.
I tried to piece together the little things I knew about Marlene. Lily had said Marlene usually defended Rosier to her friends, even if they thought he wasn't someone who needed protection. Rosier obviously hung out with Snape and the other future Death Eaters at Hogwarts. Had Marlene been stupid or willfully blind? Of course, she was a Hufflepuff. Maybe I just didn't understand how Hufflepuffs worked. Maybe she hoped that just as you didn't always know who was going to become Death Eaters, you didn't always know who wouldn't become Death Eaters.
Keeping one hand on the top of the tarot deck, I made a choice and prayed to whatever god might have been listening that it was the right one.
"No." I met his gaze with a grim, steady stare. "You will not follow in your da's footsteps."
Rosier tilted his head ever so slightly to the right. "Aren't the tarot cards supposed to tell me that?"
"I don't need tarot cards for this."
"Why not?"
"Because we're friends." I tried to force truth into this lie. He had to believe me. I needed him to believe me. "And I know if you made that choice, you will come to regret it."
We stared at one another. I tried my best to look confident and self-righteous, to convey the emotions I thought the real Marlene would feel. I believed that we were friends. We'd been Divination partners for over a year now, and over that time we'd talked about our pasts, our present, and our futures. We knew each other. I knew this wasn't the right path for him. Believe me. I needed him to believe.
The corners of Rosier's mouth curled downwards. But his stare didn't look annoyed. In fact, it—
"Whatever is the matter, you two?"
The sharp voice of Professor Vablatsky cut through the silence, and both Rosier and I jumped in our seats. Rosier banged his leg against one of the table legs. He held back a curse as he rubbed his shin. I couldn't help but be pleased to see that even he could be clumsy.
Rosier noticed my smug smile, and he turned to Vablatsky and said, "Apologies, Professor. McKinnon strongly feels I shouldn't follow in my father's footsteps and take a job at the Ministry after school."
My smile vanished.
"Well," said Vablatsky, sounding thoroughly annoyed, "no matter your political views, Miss McKinnon, you should let the cards answer Mister Rosier's question. That is why you have taken this class, is it not?"
I gave the barest nod of my head. "Yes, Professor."
"Thank you." And with that, Vablatsky left us.
I watched her walk away, her dark blue robes swaying over the wooden floor of the Divination classroom. I didn't want to face Rosier. Not yet. He would have that arrogant look in his dark eyes because he knew he'd tricked me again. The answer seemed obvious now. Marlene hadn't known his da was a Death Eater. They'd probably talked about the Ministry job before. Hell, even Mary had known about his da's high-ranking Ministry job. She'd given me the answer a lunch today. Marlene wouldn't have assumed Rosier was contemplating becoming a murderous disciple of Voldemort. Rosier had known that. I hadn't.
"Are you all right, McKinnon?" he asked.
Slowly, I dragged my gaze back to him. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes blazed with triumph.
"Fine," I said through gritted teeth. "I'll read the tarot cards for you."
"Do you really think I'll regret joining the Ministry?" he asked, his tone light and mocking.
"I do." I had dug my grave. Now, I had to commit and hope I could do enough to keep Rosier from burying me in it. "I don't think you're the Ministry type, and it'd make you miserable."
"Not the Ministry type?"
I nodded. "You don't follow the rules."
For a second, Rosier looked as though he didn't know how to respond. Then, he grinned. A mad grin that didn't quite reach his eyes and sent shivers down my spine. His head tilted slightly to the right as he said, in a low, almost inaudible voice, "That makes two of us, then, McKinnon."
"What is wrong with that prick?" I asked as I slammed the door to the Room of Requirement shut behind me.
Night had finally come. I no longer had to pretend like everything was "all right" for Marlene's friends. Now, they were somewhere in the Great Hall, enjoying an evening without a mountain of homework looming over their heads. Meanwhile, I was once again in the Room of Requirement with a snooty ghost, a cursed diadem, and the threat of Evan Rosier hanging over my head.
"I hope the knobdobber spends a lifetime in Azkaban when they catch him and his da."
Helena drifted in front of me, her lips pressed together as she listened to me rant. "Who are you talking about?"
"And Marlene," I continued, "what was she thinking? She didn't tell me anything. Just a few sentences about her family, but she didn't tell me any of the important stuff. She didn't tell me about her morning runs with James Potter, about her future Death Eater Divination partner, about her fantasies of shagging Sirius Black and his gorgeous hair…"
How many more details had Marlene left out? She didn't think to tell me anything beyond the tidbits about her family and whatever Helena could remember? What was I supposed to do with that? Had Marlene really believed I'd manage to skate by with so little information? Did she think I could just guess the last seventeen years of her life? Did she think the books titled Harry Potter had been focused on her? She barely qualified a side character. Reading a couple mentions in a series of seven books did not mean I could passably pretend to be her.
I dropped my bookbag onto the floor of the Room of Requirement and then collapsed into the armchair in front of the mahogany desk. I stared at the shelves of spellbooks to my left, my gaze skimming over the colorful spines. There was still so much magic that I didn't know. The few books I'd gotten through this week weren't enough. I needed to learn faster, or someone was going to figure me out… If Rosier hadn't already…
"There's no way," I muttered. "No way he could know. None of Marlene's friends have noticed. But how could he not know? He'd be a fucking idiot not to notice at this point."
"Who are you talking about?" asked Helena again. She hovered beside the desk, her lips pursed together in annoyance as she looked down at me.
"Asking me about his ma, pretending that she's alive," I grumbled. "And today, he asked me about his da, tricking me into revealing I know his da's a Death Eater. I hope the dementors make them both miserable."
"Your Divination partner?" Helena ventured a guess.
I nodded, still staring a bookshelves.
"Do you think he knows you are not Marlene?"
"He must. Or at least strongly suspects."
"And you are certain his father is a Death Eater?" asked Helena.
I leaned back in the armchair and watched as Helena drifted through the mahogany desk. With a sigh, I said, "Yes. And I'm certain he'll be one too. He hangs out with a crowd that will all become Death Eaters, and his surname is the same. 'Rosier' was definitely a Death Eater."
"Rosier," repeated Helena. "Evan Rosier?"
My head jerked up at that. Helena didn't seem like the type to take interest in any of the students—apart, of course, from those who did "interesting" things like finding her mother's diadem.
Helena noticed my reaction and said in haughty tones, "I have lived in this school for a hundred years. Of course I would remember a student like Evan Rosier."
I was missing something. Wasn't that always the way of it? At least, with Helena, I didn't have to pretend to know and could ask upright: "What's the deal with Rosier?"
"He is the school's dueling champion," said Helena, "and has been for four years."
"Four…years?" I repeated the words as I did the math in my head. "He's been dueling champion since his…third year."
"Yes," said Helena. "Of course, the entire school will pay attention when a third year beats a seventh year for the title. He has tied Alastor Moody's record for longest reigning champion, and if he wins the title again this year, Rosier alone will hold the school record."
Alastor Moody. Rosier. I never would've remembered if Helena hadn't used those names together. Mad-Eye Moody had told a story at some point. I forgot which Harry Potter book it'd been in, but the Death Eater who had taken a chunk out of Moody's nose had been named Evan Rosier. Through a foggy cloud, the little snippets I could remember about Rosier came drifting back to me. The Death Eater who'd rather die in a blaze of magic than be sent to Azkaban.
That was who I'd made enemies of: Hogwarts' four times dueling champion, the man who would hold his own again Mad-Eye Moody, and definitely a future Death Eater. Fucking spectacular. This kept getting better and better. Why couldn't Marlene have had a plain, inconsequential Divination partner? Why did it have to be Evan Rosier?
"What happened?" asked Helena.
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up at her. "Uh, nothing much. Just brooding."
"Hm." Helena watched me carefully, probably taking in the shadows under my eyes and the paleness of my skin. It'd been a rough week, and I hadn't taken as good of care of Marlene's body as I should've. However, rather than comment on that, Helena hesitated before asking, "Have you given any thought as to how you will save Marlene's family?"
I still wasn't certain how much I could trust Helena. She had accompanied me to the Room of Requirement every night this week and watched as I used the diadem. Helena would hover behind me, commenting on my essays and asking if the side effects of the diadem had faded. I felt like little more than a study, and it certainly didn't make me want to trust her. However, she knew so much already that if she wanted to mess me over, she didn't need any more information to do so. It probably wouldn't cause more harm if I shared some things with her. And, perhaps, she could help me.
I drummed my fingers on the leather armrests as I spoke. "I don't know exactly when the McKinnon family will die. I know little details, like it will happen sometime in 1980 or 1981, after a certain photograph of the Order of the Phoenix is taken."
"The Order of the Phoenix," repeated Helena. She spoke the words with familiarity.
"You've heard of it?"
"Here and there," said Helena. "Whispers of professors. Some students join when they graduate, I know. Dumbledore is in charge of it, is he not?"
I nodded. "In the story I know, Marlene joins the Order along with her friends. I don't know if her joining the Order is related to why Voldemort kills her family."
"Could you not join the Order, then?" asked Helena.
I had considered this. An easy escape. Marlene hadn't asked me to save her friends. Only her family. I could avoid the Order, take her family far away from danger and then consider my promise fulfilled once infant Harry Potter defeated Voldemort. It was probably the easiest solution. And yet…I couldn't do it.
"If I'm going to do this," I said. "I'm going to do this properly."
"What is 'properly'?" asked Helena.
I hesitated. I wasn't entirely certain what "properly" meant either. However, if Marlene had wanted to simply take her family away from harm, she could have done so herself. She wanted me to find a more nuanced solution. Besides, running away with her family was too drastic at the moment. I was still a student at Hogwarts. No one would take me seriously. They probably send me to St. Mungo's if I started ranting about their impending deaths and needing to flee Great Britain.
"Do you want to save them all? Even her friends?" asked Helena. Her voice was flat, as if she was trying to keep her emotions hidden.
I shook my head. The task sounded even more ridiculous when Helena voiced it aloud. Save them all? This was a war against Voldemort, and I barely knew the first-year spells. What could I hope to accomplish?
"If I change one thing," I said, "it could change everything. Saving the McKinnons could throw the entire world out of balance." I had seen time travel movies before. Maybe real life would be different, but those speculative movies were all I had for guidance. "And if I change certain things now, while in school, perhaps the deaths of Marlene's family will never come about."
"Or perhaps they will die sooner."
Helena's words bit into me like ice. She was right, of course. I could change nothing, yes, but I could also change everything. Perhaps I could save Lily and James, but it was equally possible that I could accidentally prevent Harry Potter from becoming the Boy Who Lived. What if, with all my meddling, I ended up accidentally securing Voldemort's victory?
I closed my eyes and pressed my index fingers to my temples. Too much. I was thinking too much. I had to focus. I didn't need to save anyone but the McKinnons. The others… Their faces flashed before my eyes. Lily blushing when Mary teased her about her Head Girl duties with James. Dorcas smiling shyly at Jenn as they did homework together in the common room. James grinning at me as he bragged about how good the Gryffindor Quidditch team would be this year…
Marlene hadn't asked me to save them. And they were central characters to the story of Harry Potter. Saving Lily and James, or sparing Sirius from Azkaban, could completely upturn the events that would lead to Harry defeating Voldemort.
No. I couldn't do that. I needed to focus on saving the McKinnons.
"There's not much I can do while still in school," I said at last. "My priority should be to learn magic. I won't be able to save anyone if I can't cast a proper stunning spell."
Helena didn't dispute this point.
"But…" I hesitated. "I was thinking…" I bit the inside of my cheeks. I didn't trust Helena, but I also couldn't do this alone. She knew too much already—what difference could a little more make? I took a deep breath before saying, "One member of the Order betrays James and Lily Potter."
"Oh, they get married then?" asked Helena. "The Fat Friar will be pleased to learn he won his bet."
I decided it was best not to ask. "He joins the Death Eaters, and when the Potters make him their secret keeper, he gives up his friends to Voldemort." I was surprised at the anger in my voice.
Helena pursed her lips, and then asked, "Who is this traitor?"
I had already gone this far. "Peter Pettigrew."
Disbelief flashed through Helena's eyes. However, she didn't question the truth behind my words. "And what will you do about this?"
Right now, Peter was the quiet and awkward member of the Marauders, the sweet boy who devotedly followed James and Sirius around. I didn't know when he would make the decision to turn to Voldemort, but from what I'd read in the books, it would happen after he joined the Order. That gave me at least a year.
"Taking any dramatic action against Peter too soon will only make people suspicious," I said. "He's loyal to his friends, at the moment."
"Will you leave him there to betray the Order when the time comes?" asked Helena. She couldn't keep the distaste from her voice.
"No. I'm going to befriend him."
That must have been one of the last things Helena expected me to say, because her gray eyes got very wide.
"He regrets his choice, in the end," I said. I didn't add that it happened almost two decades later. "Perhaps if he does join the Death Eaters, I'll be able to stop him from sharing any information that would get members of the Order killed." I didn't voice aloud the vain hope that perhaps I could stop him from making the choice altogether.
"You would kill him?" asked Helena. She sounded skeptical.
I stared at my hands, at the long fingers that were mine but also not mine. "You don't necessarily need to kill someone to stop them. But, yes, if I had to, I would."
Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Helena lower herself so that her feet looked as though they were on the ground. "You are very different from Marlene."
In my opinion, that went without saying.
"There are two others," I continued, "who regret choosing Voldemort's side. They'll be much harder to convince than Peter Pettigrew, however."
"That is your plan?" asked Helena. "To befriend Death Eaters and hope that they will value your friendship enough to not betray you?"
"The ones I know will switch sides regardless." I gritted my teeth, annoyed at the scorn in Helena's voice. "They're already weak links. If I can convince them to switch sides sooner…or never choose Voldemort in the first place, then maybe it will help me save Marlene's family when the time comes. If they give me even a scrap of information more, then it may be worth it."
Helena still looked doubtful.
"I can befriend people," I muttered.
"Hm." Helena wasn't convinced in the slightest. "And who are these two turncoats?"
"Severus Snape and Regulus Black."
Helena's eyes narrowed as she ran those names through the list of students she knew. "Slytherins, and one descended from the ancient house of Black." She scoffed. "Are you certain he will regret joining the Death Eaters?"
"Yes." Regulus was the only one of the three I hadn't seen yet. Peter was easy to talk to, as he was part of Marlene's friend group. Snape lurked in the back of classrooms with the rest of the future Death Eater gang. I'd seen him having conversations with Rosier between classes, and every once in a while, I'd catch Snape staring in Lily's direction. But Regulus wasn't in the same year as me, and he kept a wide berth of his brother, Sirius. I couldn't even use the books as a guide to figure out who he was.
"Regulus will betray the Death Eaters shortly after joining, and Snape will turn to Dumbledore after Peter's betrayal of James and Lily."
In that time, Regulus would find Slytherin's locket and leave the note signed R.A.B. My gaze drifted down to the enchanted bookbag that rested at the foot of the armchair. Had Voldemort made Slytherin's locket a horcrux in this world? He must have. Had he stored it in the cave, hidden in the basin and surrounded by corpses? Just as he'd hidden the diadem in the Room of Requirement, he'd gone into the cave and stored a part of his soul there…
My throat felt tight, as if a cold hand had grabbed hold and started to squeeze. I closed my eyes and focused on deep, even breaths. This was my life now. The other option was lying on the road, life slowly bleeding out of me onto the asphalt. The tightness in my throat eased up, and my breathing returned to normal.
Helena hovered beside me, watching and analyzing. Only when our eyes met, did she ask, "Are you all right?"
"Fine." My voice was thick.
She hesitated and then asked, "How are you going to approach and befriend two Slytherins?"
I leaned back in the armchair. I raised a careful hand to my throat and ran my fingers across the smooth skin. "That's where I need your help, Helena."
Helena's eyes narrowed. She could guess what I wanted. "You want me to study them?"
"Yes. I need to find a way in, a way to make them trust me and want to befriend me."
Helena drifted backwards, her slippers lifting off the stone floor. "Are you certain this will help save Marlene's family?"
I wasn't certain of anything, but I couldn't think of another course of action right then. My hands were tied while I was still a student at Hogwarts, trying to catch up on seven years' worth of magic. But I couldn't spend a year doing nothing.
I stared up at Helena and said, "When the time comes, I'll be ready."
For the first time, Helena didn't look the impartial observer. There was something torn in her dark, gray eyes as if she was fighting back tears, though I didn't think ghosts could cry. Then, she blinked, and the emotion that had threatened to overflow just disappeared. "Then, I will help you."
"Thanks."
She turned away from me, showing the back of her pale corset and long gown. She drifted to the edge of the mahogany desk and extended a hand, as if to touch the wood. But when her fingers were barely a millimeter away from the edge of the desk, she drew her hand back. "What will you do about Evan Rosier?"
I fought back a sigh. What to do? I felt trapped, the walls of the Room of Requirement closing in around me. Rosier seemed like someone who'd be difficult to fool even if I had an entire book to read on the life story of Marlene McKinnon. The gap between what he knew and what I knew was too large. If he truly believed I wasn't Marlene, then I didn't know any way I could convince him otherwise.
"I'm going to have to learn some defensive spells this weekend," I said at last. "Though I doubt it'd make much difference against Hogwarts' dueling champion."
"Of course not." Helena's usual snobbish voice had returned.
With a plan of sorts laid out before me, I took out the silver diadem and the book I'd picked up from the library earlier: Quidditch Throughout the Ages.
"What is that?" asked Helena with the slightest hint of mocking her voice.
"I have a morning run with James Potter tomorrow," I said.
I ran my hand over the edge of the diadem. Was a piece of Voldemort's soul really in there? It had to be. The diadem didn't travel from Albania to the Room of Requirement without some help. And that help was Voldemort.
But…it'd been a week of using the diadem every night, and I had yet to see a hint of Voldemort's soul.
I didn't trust the diadem. Not one bit. Unfortunately, I needed it.
And with that grim thought, I placed the diadem on my head.