Chapter one- saying farewell
You need to go in there.
Aki Shepard scowled at the large doors which loomed before her. Begging her mind to quiet itself, "I don't want to go in" she whispered softly to herself.
Just push open the door!
"I can't" she hissed from between clenched teeth, "I can't do this"
Aki could hear the soft murmur of voices from within the room, everyone waiting for the service to begin.
The composure in which she tried so hard to maintain since hearing the news now threatened to expose her for the mess she was inside. This was a nightmare, it simply had to be.
She had tried to convince herself so many times. Convince herself that at any minute she would wake up to a call from her sister about her latest exploits, even when they were so far apart there was always a vid call. For now there was a hope, just a small slither which she grasped onto... a small pigment that she would just hear Jane's voice, that they would laugh, and all would be as it was.
A deep sadness, more so than she already felt, washed over her in a wave strong enough to take her breath away.
Knowing that she would never speak to Jane again. That she would never laugh at her older sister's shitty jokes or her terrible dancing. Once this was done, that was it- she was gone.
The end of the first human spectre and the hero of the Citadel.
The call had come during a wet work assignment- Anderson's voice sombre as it told the tale of the mighty Jane Shepard's destruction- how she had been spaced, her body burnt up and the Normandy decimated.
Oh, come on Aki! You've done worse than this... just go in.
That voice- her own- drawing her back to the present.
She looked to her usually gloved hand as it lingered on the door panel.
She wanted to turn and leave, after all no one had seen her yet, she could easily turn and go, bury her head in the sand and forget all of this.
Then she imagined her mother sitting alone, the last of the family, saying goodbye to her eldest child and knew immediately that this wasn't something that could be so easily escaped. There was no running from this.
Jane deserved a goodbye.
She's gone and you can't just hide from it.
"I know" she argued, "but it just seems so final"
She's dead - it's time to say goodbye, do it for the crew... for your mother, just go in.
The blonde inhaled deeply, quickly brushing down any creases on her black dress and hit the panel before her body had the chance to fail her.
The door opened almost too slowly allowing her entrance inside.
She crossed by the mass of people who congregated within the aisles, finding her mother at the front of the room on the first bench, beside a huge photo of Jane in her alliance uniform, perfect as always, not a dark curly hair out of place from her usual high ponytail. Aki met her dark green eyes which shone in the camera flash, the light freckles scattered her nose and cheeks and her lips turned up at the edges into a soft smile.
Aki's chest hurt...
"You came" Hannah smiled to her youngest as she took a seat, "I didn't think you would" her mother admitted softly.
"I didn't either" Aki smiled sadly, sitting down in the chair next to her and placing a quick kiss against her mothers cheek before facing the front trying to avoid looking at the empty casket.
"Thank you" Hannah smiled to her youngest, giving her hand a small squeeze, "it would've meant a lot to her"
"She's dead- she would never know if i didn't come" the words slipped out before she could stop them, the regret immediately evident on her face, "shit, i'm-"
"No- it's okay" Hannah soothed the sting still lingered in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry" Aki murmured, "i don't know how i'm supposed to-"
"It's fine sweetie" Hannah looked older than usual, like the last few weeks had drained all her youth, new lines had begun to appear.
The longer Aki looked the more she could see Jane in their mother, the same green eyes, the same dark hair although her mother's was tinged by grey and cut short compared to Jane's long wavy locks, the freckles, the same turn up at the edge of the lips.
Goddamn it Jane! I always thought it would be me first.
The service was long and lavish made to honour a hero. Tales of her exploits were shared, everyone regaling in the legend that was Jane Shepard.
A one-woman wrecking machine- the first human spectre and humanity's pride.
Aki looked around glancing at those who came, friends, colleagues, civilians. She frowned deeply and returned to looking at Anderson who was just finishing off his reminiscence.
She hated being on the citadel right now.
Everybody going about their daily business like nothing was wrong, like there was no impending threat looming.
Everything Shepard fought for it seemed to have died with her.
Anderson, herself and the rest of the Normandy crew being the only ones who believed in Shepard, who believed in the reaper threat! with no concrete proof no one would listen- frankly, no one cared now. She was gone and it was easy to dismiss the worries of a dead woman.
They wouldn't even pool resources to try find her goddamn body, the anger and hurt was too much. Aki felt it deep in her core, eating her from the inside, she wanted to leave.
"Aki-" the blondes head snapped up from the loathing, "it's your turn" Hannah whispered in her daughter's ear.
She nodded, standing from her seat and approaching the podium at the front of the room.
She looked up to the crowd and cleared her throat once, she thought for a second, "what can i say that hasn't been said" she swallowed hard a frown pulling her eyebrows together.
Her eyes found that of her friends- both her own and Jane's- she smiled sadly to them knowing that they too had lost someone huge in their lives, they had also lost family.
"those of you that are here all know Jane as a Hero, she fought with every inch of her being to protect. It was so deeply ingrained in her to save lives and that- well that what Jane lived for so its only fitting that in the end that's how she died. She died being a hero, saving the lives of her crew" she shook her head once, brushing the silvery waves that fell into her features back behind her ear.
Garrus watched as she spoke. The emotion dripped with every word, he could feel the sadness radiate even though she managed to keep her composure, this loss had destroyed them all but witnessing Aki up there it seemed to hurt now more than ever.
"but i knew Jane... long before all of this, back when she got into fights with bullies, always standing up for her friends. I knew her when she back answered and argued with our mother, when she first went to a club- her dancing hadn't ever improved- and got so drunk that she was late for her first deployment" she laughed softly, a rumble of soft laughter and agreement filling the room, "my sister- was the best person, the fiercest comrade, the most loyal friend and worst enemy you could ever hope to have and i know that she held a lot of you so deep in her heart and she in yours. I'm deeply sorry on her behalf for the pain you must feel, and I thank you for coming to honour her memory" she returned to her seat, a moment of silence filled the room before the next speaker took position.
Aki reached out and held her mother's trembling hand, turning slightly at the warm hand that lay on her shoulder, she nodded to Liara who sat behind her to the left.
The ceremony went on for a while, so many people had words of kindness to share, finally after hours it ended with a lingering sadness.
"Aki?" Hannah pressed looking to her youngest, "thank you so much" she smiled sweetly, "I'm going to see David, if you're heading out be safe okay, promise to keep in touch" Aki stood giving her mother a tight embrace, "make sure you call me before you head out "
"I will" she promised, "I love you- never forget that" Hannah pressed her lips to her daughter's forehead.
"I love you too" Hannah smiled before turning and heading away. Aki watched as her mother made her way over to Anderson and was swiftly pulled into a tight embrace, they had been together for a while now. It was good that she wasn't alone anymore, she deserved some happiness.
Aki ran a hand over her face, brushing back her tousled hair with the same motion, "that had to be hard"
She turned slightly to glance at Kaiden over her shoulder, "for you too" she smiled at him sadly, he loved Jane, adored her and he was on the Normandy when it was attacked, he knew the pain, that gut wrenching ache only grief brings and for that she pitied him.
"I loved your sister" he whispered sadly.
"I know" she nodded, "we all did" she gave a small half-hearted smile to the rest of the crew who stood behind him, each of them sullen, "we all went through a lot together, this is not just my loss, its every one of ours to share, you were all her family"
"We're going for drinks to honour her memory- will you come?" Liara asked softly
"That sounds great" she nodded.
The first round of drinks arrived being placed into the centre of the table by a Salarian waiter who glanced at each of them with a saddened expression before returning to his bar.
"To commander Shepard!" Wrex boomed, everyone raised their glass before downing the drink in unison.
Aki grimaced slightly as she drank her whiskey, appreciating the burn in her stomach before it radiated throughout her entire body warming her completely.
"What's next for everyone?" Joker pressed, the next round of drinks arriving.
"I'm going to return home to my flotilla, it's been a long pilgrimage" Tali sighed "too long"
"I'm returning home too- see the damage whilst I've been away" Wrex grunted taking another drink "can't go anywhere without someone causing chaos"
"I've been grounded for now" Joker shook his head "so who knows what they'll do with me"
"You're not the only one" Chakwas smiled sadly "it seems we'll all be separated"
"What about you Kaidan?" Tali asked
"I'll go wherever I'm needed" he frowned looking into the brown liquid in his glass, "I'm alliance- I'll continue serving"
"Aki?" Liara asked
Aki downed her drink before looking to her friends, people whom she had fought alongside, people who she loved and couldn't help but smile softly.
Life would continue but it wouldn't be the same as before.
She would keep doing what she had always done, work.
But this group… this amazing group of men and women well... they would separate and that would be that- Jane was the pillar and without her…
"I've actually got a wet work assignment a week from now" she admitted softly with a smile.
"That's quick. I thought you'd take some time" Liara frowned worried "it could interfere with your work if you don't grieve effectively"
"I'm fine- keeping busy is best" Aki admitted, "if i stay stagnant for too long, i'll only feel it more"
"N7 are resilient bastards, eh?" Joker smirked
"Yeah- something like that" she flashed Liara a smile "plans?"
"I've got some... business to take care of" the Asari stated coolly
"Hmm- ominous"
"Garrus? You've been quiet" Liara piqued, changing the direction of conversation to someone else.
Aki flicked her silver eyes to where the Turian sat nursing his whiskey glass between his hands, his eyes low, mandibles clicking softly, this had hit him harder than many.
Jane was his best friend, someone whom he had trusted with his life, he'd found an affinity between them and to have someone who he'd both admired and loved as a sister torn away form him he felt more broken than ever.
Aki reached out and softly brushed her fingers along the back of his hand, he looked up to her and quickly away, clearing his throat.
The hurt was all too evident on his features, "I don't know" he admitted softly, his voice almost breaking- Aki felt her heart wretch in her chest, poor Garrus.
"well whatever we all decided on, i hope we can all meet like this again" Aki raised her glass "to the Normandy, thank you all for the memories"