Chapter 102: What Would You Do?
Gus sat across the table from Flack, studying him carefully. She didn't know why this case was staying with her, especially since it was wrapped up from a procedural standpoint, but it was haunting her.
"Case is staying with you, huh, sunshine?" Flack stated, removing the mutilated napkin from her hands.
"You know me too well, but yeah, it is," Gus sighed.
Flack looked pensive, "you really think Isabella was going to off herself?"
"Yeah, she was."
"It's just sad when bright young people resort to murder," Flack said, leaning back in his chair.
"In a manner of speaking," was Gus' reply.
"Whadda mean, murder is murder, Marilyn Monroe capped the other two!"
"With their permission!" Gus argued.
"We don't know that for sure," Flack's eyes started to spark.
"So a note would have made it not murder?" Gus pursed her lips.
"Not within the law, still murder," Flack remained matter of fact.
"But they didn't want to suffer!" Gus cried.
"Not their choice to play God. Besides aren't you the more Catholic one, lightin' candles for every case?" Flack raised his eyebrows at her with a slight smirk.
Gus felt a blush rise to her cheeks, how did he know that?
"Yeah, maybe I do know you too well," his smirk grew wider.
"I am not about to break out the catechism, Flack, you and I both know I am just a rogue New Orleans Catholic anyway, the Jesuits warped me."
"So they still get candles?"
"Still? Because they killed themselves, even more so, I think they define lost souls and I really don't want to be having a theological debate with you," Gus voice cracked.
"Fine, we don't have to have one," Flack dug into his food, like nothing had happened.
Gus picked through hers, still feeling saddened by the terminal illnesses of the vics and also greatly worried about Stella. Gus could not imagine how her friend was dealing.
Gus was still lost in thoughts about the case and Stella and mortality as she and Flack walked home.
Flack felt her silence and said, "what ya thinking on so hard?"
Gus shrugged, not wanting to talk, not wanting to be trapped in her apartment, "just stuff. I think I am going to go in the park".
"Can I come with?"
Gus nodded, turning her key in the lock and heaving open the iron gate. She walked into the park, stopping in the middle and looking up at the night sky. Feeling infinitely small, as the city skyline always made her feel, she realized it was actually clear enough to see stars, which only functioned to make her feel smaller.
Flack came up and stood in front of her, not saying anything. Gus stood there for a while, hugging herself and lost in deep thoughts. Still thinking about Stella, the words poured from her mouth, without her really meaning to ask them out loud, "what would you do if you knew you were dying?"
Flack looked at her for a long and intense moment and then shrugged, "I don't know. See the world, spend more time with my family, get a luxury box for the Rangers. What about you?"
Gus heaved a sigh, "I think if I found out today I was dying, I would try my hardest to do something to leave my mark . Try to make a difference, try to be remembered."
Flack shook his head, he should have expected such a serious response from her, given her somber expression, "you don't think you do that already?"
"Not enough," Gus exhaled.
Flack moved closer, moving his hands behind the lapels of her coat and yanking her to his chest, "ya have, ya do, everyday."
"Not enough," Gus replied, hating feeling so philosophical.
Flack's smirk turned into a dimpled smile, "I think I gotta add something to my list."
"What? Dump ruminative girlfriend for hot, airhead model-type?" Gus sniffed.
"Nope. If I knew I was dying I think I would have to marry you," and as Gus' eyes widened but before she could respond, Flack yanked her in for a desperate and heated kiss, nearly bending her over backwards.
When he reluctantly broke away, a grin filled Gus' face, "well if you were dying," she quipped. He dimpled down at her, and she led him out of the park and into her apartment.
Gus fell back into her old pattern of nightmares that night, plagued by trying to stop a jousting match in Gramercy Park which was stopped by a crashing wall of flood water and her trying to rescue Flack from drowning only to have him continually slip just out of reach.
She awoke to Flack shaking her, sweat beading on her brow. "Gus, calm down, you're safe". Gus sobbed, still in a panic, onto Flack's chest,
"I just don't want to lose you," she cried, half asleep.
Flack reassured her, "ya ain't gonna" and rubbed her back until she fell back asleep.
Flack, however, did not fall back asleep. For once he was the one who was lost in thoughts and unable to sleep. He laid there, Gus cradled on his chest, reviewing the night, the last month, hell the last couple of years.
Mostly he was caught up in the fact that he was so much in love with the woman sleeping on his chest. In love love, in ways that he didn't think guys were supposed to get, especially not tough New York legacy cops who swore they never would fall in love.
He knew he loved Gus, and why he loved her. Hell she was smart and sexy and everything you could ever ask for in the opposite sex, except for that fact they he didn't always know how she felt about him. Weren't women the ones that were supposed to be actively chasing as opposed to running away? The ones they wanted to be all lovey dovey and tell the world about how much they adored their man? Gus sure as hell wasn't doing either of that.
But then again she was here and so was he. She had let him in, in ways she hadn't let anyone else. He hadn't even so much looked at another woman in forever, even months ago when he was supposedly dating, his heart wasn't in it. The realization stuck him cold, he swore his heart actually stopped for a moment. He wanted a commitment from her. His biggest question, did she? Maybe, maybe not, of course he never really knew what was going on in that head of hers.
Gus tried to keep in an upbeat mood the next day, but Flack had been weird and quiet since waking up and then he disappeared shortly after they arrived at work. She sat there, grumbling about being left with the paperwork while being teased by Parker.
Gus finally decided to head to the lab to catch up with Stella to see what she had gotten from Isabella and to try to be a better friend. "Hey Stel" she said, knocking on Stella's door.
The older woman was also deep in paperwork. "Hi, Gus. Is that the file on Derek Curson?" Gus nodded and walked in, sitting on the chair in front of the desk.
"So how did it go with Isabella?"
"She was going to kill herself, but backed out at the last minute. She's a little torn up about it." Stella looked somber.
"I can't even imagine. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Stella, please don't do the brave front. I feel like I am being a crap friend and I just kept thinking about you last night and..." Gus trailed off.
Stella sighed, "I'm hanging in there. The good news, if you can call it that, is that Mac is signing off on the lab getting a DNA kit to test for HIV, so I can find out for sure quickly."
"Like GI Joe says, 'knowing is half the battle', right?"
"I suppose so. About that bad friend thing, you aren't. You are a great friend, sitting around moping with me and worrying about me . I know you have been dealing with a lot of your own stuff, not to mention trying to carry on a somewhat normal relationship with Don".
"Normal would not be the word to describe it."
"It might be more normal than you think." Gus snorted but did not respond. "Regardless. How about you assuage your guilt by coming out for margarita's with me and Lindsay tomorrow night if we don't get caught up in another case?"
"Yeah, that would be good Stel. And no matter what, I am here for you, any time," Gus stood, smiled at her friend and walked out.
Gus went back to her desk, noting that Flack was still missing in action. "Freaking task force," she swore but was happy to not have much to do.
She caught up with Reed, including making plans to check out a new band with him that night. One benefit of a younger cousin was staying up on what the cool kids were doing. She also surfed bulletins and the web, finding nothing overly interesting.
Gus was about to start reading training manuals for fun when her lieutenant called her into his office.
"Hey Loo," she said, for once not worried about being called in, because not much had been going on.
"Broussard," he said, motioning for her to sit, but looking pretty relaxed, "What are your thoughts on this CI?"
"You mean Jimmy? I don't know, I haven't met him."
"Yeah but his girlfriend, is she solid?"
"Yeah, she's a good kid, too good to be with the likes of Jimmy and his rap sheet by the sounds of it."
"Speaking of which, I want you to do a work up on him."
"Isn't the task force doing that?" Gus said, not wanting to rock the boat, but also not wanting to waste her time is something was already being done.
"The task force is going to be more about who is going to take credit for what and coordinating different agencies. Not much is happening with it right now," he shrugged.
Gus wrinkled her brow, then where the hell had Flack disappeared to all day? "Yeah, I can do a work up. But I have to tell you, despite what Flack or you or Brass might think, I believe I can handle being part of the task force. I am up on all my physical readiness and range tests, I've done the training simulations. I don't like everyone trying to be overly protective all the time, I can handle myself."
Lieutenant Daddino looked at her carefully, "I know you can, kid, and when it gets closer to action, I'll let you know. Now here, take Jimmy's juvy record and get out of here. For the day. You've put in 41 hours already and it is only Wednesday!"
"Fine, see ya Loo." "Good night, Broussard."
Gus looked down at her suit, she would obviously have to change before meeting Reed, and she should probably shower. She had a stop to make first though, two actually. Her first stop was to the hardware store to get the new key for Flack cut.
She was on her way to her second destination when her phone started buzzing, "speak of the devil. Ironic since I was about to go to church," she said into the phone.
"Who goes to church on Wednesdays, except Baptists?" Flack joked.
"I am about to light a candle at St. Xavier's thank you very much, didn't get around to it last night."
"Ah, I see," was all Flack replied.
"I have something for you later, but I don't know when I will see you, I'm meeting Reed later."
"We'll figure something out. Just wanted to call and say hi and apologize for disappearing today."
"Figured you had stuff to take care of, it was slow today anyway. Good news is our paperwork is all caught up".
"That's my girl. I'll let you go then".
"Yeah, I'll call you later. Love you, bye," Gus rushed out before hanging up.
Chapter 103: Not Enough
Gus stood from her kneeling position in front of the candles, crossed herself and turned to head down the aisle and out of the church.
She caught sight of a familiar dark-haired head bowed, and while taken by surprise, she couldn't help but to breaking into a grin.
Her heels clacked down the aisle, echoing in the empty church, a cadence that Flack immediately recognized. He looked up, seeing Gus' form cutting a quick path towards him. He made a quick sign of the cross and unfolded himself from the pew.
"Hey, didn't expect to find you here!" Gus exclaimed, coming up to him with her sunny grin.
"Well, I kinda needed to talk to you about something," Flack replied, looking somber.
Gus felt her blood both drain from her face and rush to her heart, fear gripping her. Flack needed to talk, that couldn't be good, it in fact had to be the opposite of good. People didn't need to talk when things were all good.
He had to be breaking up with her, not that she should be shocked, people where always leaving her, it had been a good run and it was over. At least he hadn't been killed because she loved him.
"Oh God, literally." Gus stammered and did the thing she knew how to do best, she ran. Gus ran out of the church, trying to not slip down the steps in the sleet that had started to fall.
"Gus, wait! Hold up, whaddya doing?" a flustered Flack called behind her. Flack caught up with her on the sidewalk in front of the church, grabbing a hold of her trench and spinning her towards him.
Gus gulped, feeling like her world was slipping out from under her, "I get it, I just don't want any big scenes. I mean people break up all the time and people ALWAYS leave me, so it is no big deal, really. I mean, I get that I probably scared you away last night with my ridiculous questioning. I guess I deserve what I am getting but just don't make us talk-"
She was cut off by a rather harsh kiss from Flack and his short, "sunshine?"
"Huh?"
"Shut it!" Flack demanded.
Gus looked at him with wide and terrified eyes, feeling like she was on the chopping block and waiting for the death blow. It didn't come, at least not in the way she was expecting.
"You are sorta right," Flack said, shoving his hands deep into his coat pockets.
Gus fought back the bile rising in her throat and then caught his inflection, "sorta?" she asked.
"I did get scared last night," Flack breathed out, "with the case, but you were right. Those kids were younger than us and they were dying. Dying," he shrugged, his hands still shoved deep within his pockets.
"I got to thinking about my life. There are things have been clear and laid out for me ya know? I knew I would go to the Catholic high school, I knew I would become a cop, I knew I would live at my aunt and uncle's place. I knew these things were mapped out for me. Then there were things I knew I wanted, to become a detective before thirty, to work in homicide, to become something more than just 'junior'. And then, then there were things that were just unexpected, like working with the team and enjoying it. And then you. I definitely did not plan on falling in love with you."
Gus just stood there, trying to follow him, trying to stay one step ahead, trying to protect herself and trying to not hurl.
She nodded slightly and Flack continued, "So yeah, with this case I really started reviewing everything and thinking about what else I want out of my life and what's missing and..." Flack trailed off and Gus waited for him to get it done and over with, hoping he wasn't going to resort to 'It's not you it's me' or the ridiculous 'we can still be friends'.
Flack drew his hands out of the safety of their pockets and stepped towards Gus. She instinctively stepped back, she sure as hell didn't want to get suckered into a goodbye kiss, no matter how much she had fallen in love with him, no matter how much she had let her guard down and had let him in. She had trusted him with everything and he was not getting any more.
"Marry me," he said finally and steadily.
Gus had been expecting a breakup, so it took her a moment to realize he had not said "goodbye" and an even longer moment to be able to focus on the velvet box sitting in his outstretched palm.
He looked at her expectantly and carefully raised the lid open.
Feeling temporarily blinded and most certainly blindsided, Gus was only able to exclaim, "what the hell is that, Don?" pointing at the emerald cut ring nestled in the box.
Flack's meek replied came from a confused and furrowed brow, "an engagement ring, or so I thought." This was not the reaction he had been expecting or wanted.
"Put it away, you want us to get mugged?" Gus said through clenched teeth.
"Somehow I think our badges and guns might dissuade that. Gus, did you hear me?"
"Yes I heard you," Gus responded, stepping towards him and covering his palm with one of hers and gently curling his fingers around the box.
"Is that a no?" Flack's face grew even more somber, his eyes turning gray.
"It's a, it's, oh crap," Gus stammered out, buzzing and clanging ringing in her eyes, blackness sucking her in.
Flack noticed that Gus was shaking and she had gone from very pale to slightly green. He shoved the ring back in his pocket, forgetting about the proposal for a moment, more worried about Gus.
"Sunshine, you gotta remember to breathe," he said, laying a hand on each shoulder and leaning his forehead against hers, "alright?"
Gus took a few greedy sniffs, nodded and watched as Flack moved away. "Better?" he asked gently, still perplexed.
"We can't," came Gus' reply.
He said nothing, staring at her, sleet pining off of them both, stinging as it hit exposed skin.
"Four months," she choked out, "we have only been together together for four months."
"I've known you for a lot longer than that, sunshine and how many hours have we spent together in that time and dammit!" Flack's anger reached the surface, his eyes flashed violently, striking fear straight into Gus' heart.
"We just can't," Gus shook her head, "I love you too much to marry you."
Flack stumbled over the words in his mind, they made no sense at first, but looking into Gus' telling eyes, he realized she was terrified of losing him. "You think marriage would be a death sentence for me."
It was a statement, not a question, one said from deep knowing and understanding of all that Gus had been through and all her beliefs about people, love and the world.
Gus felt her eyes well with tears, and nodded again, "It would be," she croaked and then caught sight of the time.
"I have to go, I have to meet Reed and I have to change," she took off again at a quick pace.
Flack hurried after her again at a quick pace, "can't we talk about this? I thought you were done with the running away thing!"
"I was before you sprung that freaking iceberg on me. How the hell did you afford that anyway? It looks like it cost about as much as a small country!" Gus spouted all this in a yell, not turning around, but garnering strange looks from passersby.
"We gotta talk about this, sunshine," Flack demanded striding up beside her.
"I don't see what I can say here," Gus sneered.
"How about 'yes'?"
"No, I can't say yes. And why now? Because some stupid kids offed themselves because they were dying? Not the best reasoning to propose. I could see maybe if I was Stella-" Gus broke off, clamping her mouth shut and cursing silently to herself.
"What does any of this have to do with Stella?" Flack yelled back as they stomped through the now icy streets.
"Forget it," Gus waved him off.
"No. I am not going to forget it. I assume Stella told you I had a thing for her forever ago, but it wasn't going to go anywhere, I am like a kid brother to her!"
Gus hurried on, shaking her head, "Don, shut up. I can't tell you what it is about, but it is not about that."
"What can't you tell me? Why do you always have to have secrets?" Flack pressed on.
"It isn't about me, and it isn't my secret to share," Gus protested.
"Is it about why Stella has been acting so weird lately?" Flack questioned, "And why she romanticized this case so much?" Realization lit up his face, "Is Stella dying?" he croaked out.
Gus didn't want to betray her friend, but she couldn't believe Stella had not shared anything with Flack as close as they were. "She got cut at a scene and she is waiting to hear if she is HIV positive," Gus rushed out.
"What?" Flack stopped short, dragging Gus to a stop beside him.
"Look, I'm not telling you anything else. If Stella wants to tell you anything more, that is her business. But that is what I have been thinking about with this case, not freaking wedding bells!" Gus huffed.
"I didn't say you were, but I was. Look-" he cut off, running his hand through his hair and then rubbing the back of his neck, at a loss as to how to proceed.
"I know you gotta meet Reed. How about I drop you at home and we talk about this later?" he sighed looking deflated and defeated. Gus felt her heart melt and crumble at the same time, nodding in meek agreement.
"Car's this way," Flack said, pointing down the street.
Gus walked slightly behind him, each of them lost in their thoughts with hands shoved deep in pockets. Gus studied Flack's squared shoulders and pensive stance. They remained silent on the drive to Gus' place. Out front, Flack drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, not knowing what to say.
"Please come in, I can cancel!" Gus stammered out feeling like everything was out of control.
"No you can't, I know how much spending time with Reed means to you," something caught in Flack's voice as he said this.
Gus was struck by how much something most women yearned for caused her to feel like her heart was breaking. "Come in. Please, Don. Wait for me and we'll talk when I get back," Gus pleaded.
Her tone was enough to make Flack turn off the car. Jaw set, he followed her inside.
Gus changed quickly, hoping she wasn't going to be too late in meeting Reed, feeling torn in a million directions and not really caring how she looked at this point. She stepped into the living room, looking at Flack slumped on the couch. Flack took in her layered t-shirts, torn jeans, and converse and couldn't help a small dimpled grin, "you look like a college kid," he remarked as she slipped into a corduroy jacket.
"Thanks, I think," Gus replied, still trying to hold back tears, "I can still bug out".
"No," a cloud passed back over Flack's face, "go, I'll be here when you get back".
Gus said a silent prayer, hoping that would be the case. She suddenly felt very insecure, "I do love you, you know."
He didn't reply until after she had hitched her purse over her shoulder and left. "Not enough," he sighed to the empty apartment.
Gus met Reed at a coffee shop right off campus. She greeted him with a quick hug and a sneer at the espresso machine, "no offense, Reed, but it has been a crap week and a worse day. Can we go someplace with something a little stronger?"
"Yeah, we can go straight to the club," Reed shrugged giving her a strange look, she did look a little frazzled, even for her.
Gus paid the cover for both of them, not saying anything as Reed flashed the bouncer a fake id. Gus settled at a high table with a double vodka tonic, swallowing half the drink in one gulp.
"You weren't kidding!" Reed exclaimed, "And thanks for not narcing on me."
"Why would I narc on you? You are drinking club soda and lime. Plus, I had my first fake id at fifteen," Gus grinned.
Reed grinned back, "it is hard to get good dirt for stories if you can't get into places and if I want to make editor, I need good stories."
"The paying for tests stories wasn't big enough?" Gus questioned.
"Competition is tight," Reed replied and took in Gus shredding her napkin, "You alright?"
Gus motioned, "yeah, I just need to chill out. Thanks for inviting me, by the way. Makes me feel a little less ancient," Gus quipped.
"It's all good. You are pretty cool ya know-" Reed paused, "for an adult," he finished.
Gus playfully punched him while a trio of preppy looking boys came walking up to their table, collars popped on their polo shirts.
"Yo Garrett" "What's up, Ace" and "Reed" they called out by way of greeting, doing that whole man hug, complicated handshake thing.
"Who's this, Ace? I know you didn't pull her!" one of them questioned, giving Gus a leer.
"This is my cousin," Reed answered, eyes narrowing ever so slightly.
"Hey cousin, ya gotta name? Mine's Tommy. This here is Jeff and this is Carl but we call him Stuffy on account of his name being Carl."
"And Stuffy is better?" Gus asked, draining her drink.
"Better than Carl," Tommy replied, pulling up a chair. "So are you a grad student or something?"
Gus looked at Reed, not sure what he had told his friends or what he wanted them to believe. They exchanged a long look before Gus said, "something like that."
"Cool," Tommy leered again.
Gus really wanted to imprint her badge on his forehead, but wasn't willing to deal with the complaint on her file. "I gotta get another drink," she said slipping off to the bar.
She bought her drink and a pack of cigarettes, wandering over to the exit to the patio. She was staring at the rain and sleet mix puffing away when Reed came over to join her.
"Sorry about those jerks, they aren't really friends," he said softly.
"Not worried about them," Gus said waving him off.
"It musta been a really bad case if you are smoking," Reed questioned, flashing a small smile, "anything news worthy?"
"Sort of," Gus chuckled, "group of young terminally ill kids killed themselves in dramatic fashion. I guess it does have it all: money, drama, sex, youth, beauty, mortality. As soon as it is all signed off on and put into record, I will shoot you what I can," Gus sighed.
Reed looked as excited as a puppy and then turned serious, "if you are telling me about it, then the case is wrapped up, so why you still worrying about it?"
"You, Reed Garrett, are too perceptive for your own good," Gus patted his face, "it is just the after effects. Part of the job I guess," she corrected herself, "not really, just stuff".
"Want to talk about it?" Reed asked, acutely somber.
Gus stubbed out her cigarette, "not really, and isn't it supposed to work the other way, dear younger cousin?"
"Not always and if you change your mind..." he then pointed to the stage, "wanna go dance it out?"
"Sounds like a plan to me" Gus said following him to the stage.
Between sets the pair walked back to the bar where Gus bought two sodas, Reed took a long drink before speaking, "I hate to ask this but..."
"What? Anything, kidney, money, fix a speeding ticket?"
"Nah, nothing that major, it's just, Mac. Has he been really busy or something lately, because I haven't heard from him in a while," Reed looked at his feet.
"Peyton," Gus growled under her breath, "er, um yeah. He has been, the lab has been under a lot of pressure lately and lots of weird cases and stuff." Gus studied Reed carefully.
"It's cool, he has a life, I get it. I'm not worrying about it," Reed tried to play it down, "much" he tacked on.
Gus let a small smile play at her lips, "things should be settling down, I'm sure he'll get in touch with you soon."
"Whatever. We can head if you want, the next band sucks," Reed gestured to the band setting up. "It's up to you," Gus shrugged.
"I kinda have a paper due tomorrow."
"That's cool. How are classes going by the way?"
"They are going. The newspaper is hard without Brian there."
"It will suck for a while," Gus replied, refusing to give him empty comfort.
"Thanks for not saying, 'give it time' I swear I want to stab someone every time they say that. It sucks being a grown up!" Reed kicked at the floor.
"Eventually it will suck less, or so they tell me," Gus said, throwing her arm around him, "you want me to treat you to some food to take back with you?"
"That'd be great!" Reed grinned.
"Figured as much," Gus said with a genuine smile. She was glad she hadn't canceled, even if there was a lot to deal with at home.
Chapter 104: Worth It
Gus let herself into her apartment. It was quiet and still, she froze trying to figure out if Flack had left or not. Glancing at the clock, she realized she had been gone under three hours, even though it felt like a lifetime.
Slipping out of her coat and shoes, she caught sight of Flack between the partially open pocket doors between the living room and the office. He was turned, staring out the window. "I'm back," she called out softly.
He nodded, but didn't turn around.
Gus swallowed, feeling the floor shift beneath her as fear coursed through her veins. She padded through the living room, taking note of the velvet box sitting ominously on the coffee table. Tears pricked at her eyes again, somehow in her fear of losing him by loving him she had already lost him, she just knew it.
An anguished cry caught in her throat as she stepped into the office, worsened as Gus' shin made contact with the desk leg, a sickening whack augmenting the cry.
Flack turned, looking disheveled and exhausted, as if he had spent the last three hours running himself through an emotional wringer, which is exactly what he had done.
Pacing, thinking, dissecting, treating it like it was a case to be solved when he finally figured out he couldn't. There wasn't a perpetrator he could interrogate and arrest, there was only one very complicated woman who he loved but didn't know what to do with.
"I give up," he said softly, but firmly.
"Please don't," Gus uttered, feeling like the desk between them had grown into a yawning moat, "don't give up on us!"
Gus didn't feel right begging, after all she had been the one to say she couldn't marry him, but that didn't lessen her love for him, even if it seemed crazy, even to her.
"Not on us, on figuring you out sunshine. I can't do it. Sometimes you run hot and cold, I don't ever know what you want out of us. Do you want us to be partners or 'partners'." Flack looked like he had been to battle.
"I thought we had at least figured that one out," Gus sniffed wryly and wearily.
"Long term, Gus. Do you even know what you want long term?" Flack queried.
The question appeared so simple coming from his lips, but twisted itself into a complicated mess while being considered by Gus' brain. "No, I don't, I've never had to figure that out, nothing has ever been settled for me, planned out for me, not in my life. You know that, Don!" Gus' voice was strained and cracked.
Flack threw his hands up in the air, frustrated, "just tell me what you want for us."
Gus' reply was raw with emotion, "to just be. Happy, sad, angry, ecstatic, I don't care, but just one day at a time. I can't map out my whole, no, OUR whole future right now. Every time I think my life might be settling, I get another curve ball and can we go sit down and talk about this?" Gus asked, wavering on her feet, unsure of how long she could stand there, her very being pulsating in her ears at this point.
Flack nodded and followed her into the living room.
Facing each other on opposites sides of the room, in lockdown as they stared in silence at one another until finally Gus said, "I don't know how many times I have to tell you I am crap at relationships, crap at love and crap at being a normal girl. So don't suddenly expect me to know what to do here or to be fine with this idea that came out of the blue."
Flack dropped his head down into his hands, at a complete loss, "you say you love me, but do you, really?" he asked quietly, not looking up.
Gus slipped off her seat and crouched down in front of him, "I do, I really do and I hoped you at least knew that without a doubt. But that's part of the whole problem isn't it? If I didn't love you I could say yes. Not that you actually asked, it was really more of a statement."
Gus paused long enough to drawn in enough air to continue, wondering if her words were making any sense as she spoke straight from the heart and gut, "and I know we have spent a million hours together and I know we have been through more in the past year than most couples go through in a lifetime and I know our lives will never be normal, but there has got to be some middle ground. I need middle ground," Gus ended with a whoosh.
"Like what? You already said you don't want to marry me!" Flack said angrily, still not raising his head from his hands, pondering if this was going to be the end of them.
"No, I said I couldn't, that's different than don't want! I don't know what I want entirely. But I do know I am terrified of losing you and I know I have these stupid ideas, and it is just too much right now," Gus rambled.
Flack finally looked up and then down at where Gus was wedged between the couch and the table and looked so utterly shattered that he pulled her up beside him. "I know I sprung this one ya, but I thought it was a good thing," he closed his eyes briefly, not having a clue how this was going to end up.
"Move in." Gus suddenly replied.
"Huh?" he asked, his eyes snapping open and studying her for sincerity.
"Move in, for real, all your suits and books and stuff, move it in here, your real toothbrush, not the stupid travel one you hid in my bathroom. Change your address move in, even on your personnel file," Gus felt the words pouring through her with a mixture of fear and relief.
"And that is fine with you?" Flack looked at her bewildered.
"I can't explain it, Flack. But that makes sense to me, mostly because I can wrap my head around it and I would love it more than anything if you would move in." Gus looked at him with wide eyes, not wanting to loose him but not able to accept his proposal.
Flack sighed deeply, "I should have known better."
Gus slumped back against the cushions, "I am sorry I can't be a normal ecstatic girl about this."
"I suppose if you were, I wouldn't even be considering such things," Flack realized he had been pushing Gus well beyond her limits, but was thankful he hadn't pushed her over the edge, "plus, I do admit it was out of left field."
"You think?" Gus rolled her eyes, "most couples at least discuss such things before they happen."
"Yeah, I got that now," Flack shook his head.
Gus got up and went to her purse, pulling the newly cut key from the envelope and set it on the table beside the foreboding velvet box. "8, 29, 05," she said as she set it down and stepped back.
Flack's confusion could only form a simple, "what?"
"Code for alarm system and the gun safe, where you can put that monstrosity before you take it back. You can take it back right?"
Flack was still trying to process all of what had occurred over the past few hours, he shook his head, his mind in a million different directions, "yeah, I can take it back. I'm going to look like a chump though."
"How did you decide upon that, anyway?" Gus pointed at the box, gingerly poking at it as if it were a dead body.
Flack looked suddenly sheepish and embarrassed, "um, it was big and shiny," he replied opening the box.
"Did you expect me to use it as my back up weapon or to blind perps with it?" Gus gaped, it didn't look any smaller in her apartment.
"I don't know, I hadn't really thought that through," Flack answered honestly, he really hadn't, simply walking in and taking the plunge, giving the salesclerk a price range and saying he wanted the best.
It had seemed wildly romantic at the time, of course at the time he was also picturing an ecstatic agreement out of Gus.
"Flack, a pack of gum is an impulse buy, not an engagement ring! How the hell did you afford it?" Gus cried, torn between amusement and horror.
"Yeah, well as you like to occasionally tease me, I have been living virtually free for a number of years, so I had some cash."
"Yes, your nest egg, your fall back, savings are meant to be SAVED!" Gus protested.
"Can we please, please not turn this into a big fight right now?" Flack implored. "I thought I was going to end today with you agreeing to spend the rest of your life with me, not arguing about how much I spent on a ring I now have to mope back to the store like a moron to return."
"I didn't say anything about not spending my life with you, Don, I am not saying no forever. I don't know what I am saying other than I really want you to move in because I love going to sleep beside you and waking up beside you and trying to have a semblance of an ordinary life with you."
Flack frowned in concentration, "I've learned to take what I can get from you, so I'll move in, but if you change your mind on the whole marrying me thing, you let me know, won't you?"
"I promise you would be the first to know," Gus cracked. Flack shook his head at her. Gus rubbed her forehead, "I know I'm not making things easy for you. It says a lot that you are still hanging in there."
"Yeah, like we both need our heads examined!" Flack quipped.
Gus bit her lip, silently agreeing. "Can we go to bed, I really think I am in need of a new day again," she sighed.
"Yeah, I think we both need one. No telling the girls about this tomorrow night," Flack warned.
"How did you know I am going out tomorrow night?"
"Danny called wanting a boys night. Figured you had to be occupying Lindsay's time and he seemed to know you would be busy," Flack dimpled pulling Gus to her feet and wrapping her in his arms.
"Am I still worth it?" Gus sniffed into his chest.
"You can tell me no a million times, sunshine, and still be worth it," Flack said inhaling her scent and refusing to let her go. One day, she would change her mind, or at least he hoped she would.
Gus woke up the next morning, hoping the night before had all been some utterly realistic bad dream. Flack lay beside her, sprawled face down in a deep sleep.
Slipping soundlessly out of bed, Gus padded into the living room and was assaulted by the damn velvet box sitting on the coffee table, as apparently Flack had not put it in the gun safe.
Staring it down, she felt compelled to check to make sure it was still in there, considering odder things had happened in her apartment. Settling into the cushions, she locked eyes with the box, as if it was her nemesis, unable to reach out to touch it. Pondering why she could face down crazies and perps with no issues, but was terrified of a chunk of pressurized carbon, she reached out toward the box.
"Come on, girl, it is nothing to be afraid of," Gus sighed, knowing full well she was lying to herself, if it was nothing for her to be afraid of, she would be wearing the damn thing right now and would be the future Mrs. Flack.
She made a face at that, that certainly didn't seem right, Flack was Flack or Don and she was Gus or Gussie or Broussard, but certainly never Mrs. Flack. She creaked open the box gingerly, struck again by the sight of the ring, nestled there so innocently.
"You are certainly not as innocent as you look," she said to the ring. "First off you are big enough to poke someone's eye out and secondly you stand for some sort of bondage that would only result in the death of the only person I have every really loved. So, you simply have to go back, not matter how big and gorgeous you are. No matter how much most women would proudly flash you about up and down the upper east side, using you to signal for freaking Batman. No matter how much I wish I could have said 'yes' and shoved you on my finger for even the briefest of moments, because seriously even if I could marry Don and he not die, I could never cart around a colossal boulder like you, I am a cop after all" Gus muttered to the ring.
It didn't answer, but Flack you had been standing in the hallway, listening to her, snickered slightly. "Broussard, are you waiting for the ring to answer you? I just need to know if I have to drop you off at Bellevue before work."
"Elmhurst, Bellevue only houses men," Gus responded without thinking, still lost in the brilliance of the ring.
Flack walked over and gently removed the box from her hand, he was still torn by her refusal, but strangely comforted by her revelations to the ring. He just wished she could formulate her fears into words to him and not inanimate objects.
"Sure you don't want to try it on?" he asked carefully. Gus' wide eyes and adamant shaking of her head garnered a dimpled smile from Flack.
"Sunshine, I won't die if you put it on, I promise, lightning ain't gonna shoot through the ceiling."
"A fatal injury occurs in the home every 14 minutes," Gus quoted.
"I am completely amazed that you are still alive then", Flack joked, marveling at her random trivia.
"I can't, I said no," Gus countered.
"And I am saying you can, go on, before I take it back, at least let me see if I got your ring size right," he proffered the box back to her.
Gus looked at it as if it might explode, carefully taking it as if she was disarming it.
"It ain't a grenade, sunshine," Flack joked, swooping in to take it back.
"Hold up!" Gus suddenly protested, the idea of just seeing what it looked like on her suddenly seeming like the best idea in the world.
"Heh, thought so. No matter how much you protest on not being a normal girl, I still know you can't resist shiny and sparkling things, sometimes I think you are half raccoon."
"That would be coon ass but, yes, so what I like shiny things!" Gus said quickly slipping the ring on her finger. It was indeed a perfect fit and a breathtaking sight that also did not match Gus or her personality whatsoever.
They both stared, transfixed and at the same time shook their heads and exclaimed, "Nah!"
Gus slipped the ring back off, popped it back in the box and snapped the lid shut, shoving it back at Flack, "I need a shower," she mumbled.
Flack stood there, frozen in the living room watching her walk off. "Note to self," he whispered, "way less flashy ring next time."
Gus and Flack spent the day at the office, catching glances at each other across their desks, trying to pretend everything is normal, that he hadn't asked her to marry him last night, and certainly ignoring that she said no.
They also were pretending to do work, when in reality Gus had caught them up in files during Flack's absence the previous day. "Don't you have somewhere to go?" Gus asked pointedly in the middle of the day.
"Nope," Flack replied, scrolling through the latest inter-department news.
"Ahem," Gus cleared her throat and pointed at his suit jacket where she knew he had slipped the ring box.
"Oh yeah, well I was just making sure," Flack smirked.
"I don't think that is necessary," Gus hissed.
"Uh oh, lover's quarrel you two?" Parker joked walking past their desks.
Gus snorted and said, "I need coffee," and took off for Special Vics.
After hiding out for as long as she felt she could, Gus was relieved to see Flack gone when she got back to the homicide pit.
"No calls?" Gus queried to Parker, who had his feet thrown up on his desk and was doing a sudoku puzzle.
"Two, but we are at full staff today so...where did you disappear too?"
"Special Vics, better coffee."
"Yeah and I am sure you also enjoyed basking in the glow of how wonderful they think you are and what an asset you would be to their team," Parker snickered and then furiously rubbed out a square.
"Why Detective Parker, I do not know what you speak of," Gus drawled.
"Just don't go forgetting where you came from. So, where did your partner go?"
Gus shrugged, "lab maybe, bored, who knows," she said, hoping he was marching himself over to the jewelry store to return the iceberg before their relationship turned into the Titanic.
"You might want a keep a better eye on him, Broussard, before one of them hot young lab things scoops him up."
Gus was in mid eye roll when Parker hoisted himself off his seat and thudded down on her desk.
"Don't give me that, my daughter does that and I don't take it from her either. Don't think you can hide it, no more than he can. Ya love him, he loves you, if you both would just grow up and admit it and get it out in the open things would be a lot better. In fact, if you play your cards right you just may be able to get New York's finest bachelor down the aisle-"
Parker was cut off by Gus' screech, "could every body please just mind their own business?" She growled low in her throat, pushing her chair back from her desk with such force that it knocked into Montgomery's behind her.
"Time of the month?" Montgomery questioned.
"Screw all of you men!" Gus said, stomping towards the lab.
Flack arrived back in the pit in Gus' wake. "I didn't miss a call or something did I?" he asked, worriedly.
Parker shook his head, huffing back to his own desk, "nope but I think I learned to never mention marriage around your partner," Parker took in Flack's pallor, "you okay, junior? It's alright, most guys get weird over the prospect of marriage, you'll get over it."
"What precisely did you say to her, Parker?" Flack demanded.
Montgomery poked into the conversation, "something about owning up to the fact that you two are knocking boots and to drag you to the alter before one of the badge bunnies does. And I think she's on the rag," he added as an afterthought.
"Screw off, Montgomery!" Flack said heading in the direction of the lab.
"Hey Broussard said that too!" Montgomery called after him, "you two got your cycles synced or something?"
Flack was growling by the time he got to the lab, not seeing Gus right away and getting waylaid by Stella on a case from forever ago that she was getting ready for trial. "Flack, are you even listening?"
"Sure Stel," he said distractedly, trying to look around her shoulder for Gus and then focusing on her, he was reminded of Gus' revelation, "Stella, how are you doing?" he asked with concern.
"What do you mean, Don?" Stella said, trying to figure out if Gus had said something.
"You seem like you have been real distracted lately, upset about something? And you really got into this past case more than I thought you would. I just wanted to make sure everything was going alright with you," Flack responded, not revealing his knowledge of her HIV scare.
"I'm just going through something right now," Stella started, then seeing the concern in his eyes, she broke down, "I-" she took a deep breath, "I am waiting to see if I was exposed to HIV."
"That's pretty big Stella," Flack replied somberly.
"Yeah, well I got cut at the Gable scene."
"And he had AIDS."
Stella nodded, "but Mac signed off on a DNA test that will clear things up for good and Adam has the clearance to do the test."
"I'm here for you, if you need anything."
"I know, Flack," Stella broke into a wan grin, "and Gus' is fuming in the canteen with Sheldon and Danny."
Flack dimpled and squeezed her shoulder, "thanks Stel."
"No problem," she said, comforted by the thought that she had her family of friends to carry her through.
Flack walked toward the canteen, catching sight of Gus slumped at the table while Hawkes and Danny appeared to be taking turns either teasing her or trying cheer her up. "You know Broussard, you should be happy that things are so slow around here, savor it while you can," Danny was saying.
"If you weren't spending all your time trying to surreptitiously ogle Lindsay, you would be going just as stir- crazy as I am," Gus retorted. Sheldon couldn't hide his snort into his drink.
"I don't wanna hear a peep outta you, Hawkes," Danny snarled.
"What has gotten into everybody?" Flack asked stepping into the room.
Gus made a noise and stood up, "I'm headed down to the gym," she mumbled brushing past them.
"You have any clue what's up with her?" Danny asked.
"Don't ask," Flack said with a shake of his head, noticing that Sheldon was looking at him intensely, "what?"
"Nothing," Sheldon replied, finishing his drink and throwing out the can.
Flack grunted as Danny said, "you still up for tonight?"
"I guess so, what did you want to do?"
"Well Hawkes wants to try to kick my ass at basketball, but I was angling for a game of poker."
"Whatever is fine with me," Flack shrugged.
"What has gotten into everyone, man what has gotten into you?"
"Just stuff. I don't care, we can really do whatever," Flack replied.
"Fine, meet at my place then, but bring your own beer, I'm runnin' low."
"You are always running low, Messer," Flack joked.
"Whatever, I got work to do," Danny retorted leaving the lab.
"You guys okay?" Sheldon asked sheepishly.
"Me and Danny?" Flack grinned as Sheldon just gave him a withering stare, "Yeah, we're fine, I think." Sheldon wandered out of the canteen shaking his head.
Gus hadn't wanted to avoid and ignore Flack for the rest of the day, but every time she caught sight of him she wanted to rush up to him and ask if they were going to be fine.
She figured they were, but she didn't want to press him, after all she was the one who turned him down and he could walk away with a hundred good reasons in doing so, all of them based in her fears and inadequacies and issues.
God she hated having such issues, why couldn't she just let her past go? Lindsay has apparently done it, and Mac was working on it and it wasn't like she was the only orphan in the world, she had had a good number of years in a normal family unit. Look at Stella, she had been left as a toddler and she had turned out...so maybe Stella wasn't the best example, but she had been through a hell of a lot and kept fighting and hoping for the best and that was something Gus admired.
And it wasn't like she really had a hex on her. Or did she? Gus was lost in these thoughts when she looked up and realized it was past time to go.
"You going home first?" Flack asked as she stood to put on her jacket.
"Nope, heading straight out with the girls, amazed that none of us are on call" Gus said with a small smile, "what about you?"
"Heading to Danny's, playing poker," Flack replied nonchalant. Gus gave him a somber and worried looked but remained standing on her side of the desks.
"Sunshine," he said softly so she had to move towards him to hear.
"Yeah?" she said, also lowering her voice even though the pit had emptied out and the next shift was in roll call.
Flack pushed his chair back and stood, leaning close to her but not touching, "we're fine. Stop thinking, have fun and I am going to move my stuff this weekend, Bobby's gonna help."
Gus didn't know whether to laugh or burst into tears, it's is scary how well-" she broke off then as Thatcher came bounding out of the roll call room.
"Don't want to be interrupting you love birds," he snapped.
"Screw off!" Flack and Gus said at the same time turning to head out of the precinct.
"Have fun, sunshine, love you," he said giving her a quick squeeze.
"You too, see you later?" Gus asked hopefully.
"I would hope so," Flack dimpled.