1
"Knock, knock!"
"Come in," Chakotay called, recognizing the voice of the woman at his door as he pulled tight the laces on his work boots. He heard the door of his small shack open, and without looking up from his shoelaces, he said, "There's hot coffee if you want some."
"I never knew you to be such a coffee drinker before," the woman said as she walked past him to take him up on his offer.
"Not everything stays the same, Sveta," he replied.
"Mmhmm," Sveta answered in an all too knowing tone. "Maybe not, but most things do."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Chakotay asked, exasperated, finally looking up from his boots.
"Just what I said, Chakotay." Sveta inhaled the scent of her coffee and grinned at him. "You don't have to talk about her, but I know who gave you a taste for coffee."
Chakotay frowned. "Coffee is good for the hard work we're doing. It gets me going on these early mornings." He looked at the chronometer. It was barely 0600 on Bokara III, and the sun was already rising. It was time to get started on their workday before it got too hot.
"If that's what you want to tell yourself."
Chakotay's frown grew deeper. "What are you getting at, Sveta?"
She sat down in the small chair that was next to his. "I want to know when you're going to stop running."
"Running? I got here six months ago."
"Running away from yourself, Chakotay. From your feelings. From your memories of Voyager. From your feelings for Kathryn Janeway."
"I haven't seen or spoken to Kathryn Janeway in ten years."
"I know."
Chakotay gritted his teeth. In the six months since he'd reconnected with Sveta, she'd tried to broach the subjects of Kathryn and Voyager with him several times, but this was the most direct she'd been about it. "I don't have feelings for Kathryn anymore, Sveta. Voyager was a long time ago. The Delta Quadrant is in the past. I've moved on, and I'm sure she has, too. I'm finally getting over Eleni's death. I finally feel like I'm doing something good and useful. I'm happy that you found me. I'm happy that you brought me to Bokara, but I don't want to talk about the past anymore, okay? I just want to focus on today and work on getting the frame on the community center finished."
Sveta sighed. "All right. I won't bring it up again." She paused, unable to hold her tongue. "But you're still running away."
"Sveta," Chakotay growled.
She held up her hands in a defensive posture. "Okay, okay. Let's just get to work."
Chakotay nodded, downing the remainder of his coffee and grabbing his tool belt from the peg he kept it on by the door. He and Sveta walked the half mile into town in relative silence, and he tried to get the questions she had asked him out of his mind. Sveta had always had an uncanny ability to see through him; it was how she had recruited him into the Maquis in the first place, and he could see that her level of insight hadn't waned in the intervening years.
Six months earlier, he had been living on Yadozi, doing odd jobs. He wandered aimlessly from town to town doing handyman type work for anyone who needed it. He had been unable to find the motivation to leave the planet, even more than a year after Eleni's death. Then, out of the blue, he had received a communique from Sveta. He had been shocked to hear from her, and he learned that she had finally been released from prison a year earlier and had been looking for him the entire time. Her search had finally brought her to Yadozi, and she had asked permission to come and see him.
He had reluctantly agreed and had spent two days trying to spruce up his humble abode. He had shaved for the first time in weeks and tried to find some decent clothes so that he would be presentable. Their reunion had been an emotional one, and although it had been nearly twenty years since he had last seen her, when they started talking, it felt like it had only been a day since they were last together.
Chakotay had been able to admit, for the first time, how aimless he had felt ever since Voyager had returned to the Alpha Quadrant, and Sveta, in her usual perceptive way, had told him she had just the cure. Since her release from prison, she'd become involved with an organization that was building homes and communities for refugees from the Dominion War. Although the war had ended a decade earlier, its effects were still being felt by colonists who had lived in the border colonies as well as those whose homewards had been attacked and severely damaged by the Dominion. Charities had formed to help these disadvantaged refugees, and the Bokarans had offered the third planet of their system, an uninhabited M-class planet, as a colony for these people. Sveta, looking for a worthwhile cause after her release from prison, had become connected with the organization, and some of the other former Maquis who had been incarcerated by the Federation had decided to follow her lead. They were creating basic infrastructure for the settlements like plumbing, transporter stations and communications arrays, building new school facilities, bringing in qualified teachers, and building houses and community centers. Sveta had asked if Chakotay would like to join her. He hadn't needed much time to think about it.
During the past six months on Bokara III, he'd been happier than any time since Voyager. He had a real purpose again, and he knew that he was doing something that mattered. He saw in the native children the faces of his own brothers and sisters and kids he had grown up with. He saw in the refugees echoes of his friends from the Maquis who had been slaughtered by the Cardassians. Doing something good for them was the first step in healing some of the wounds he had held onto for years.
In spite of this, there was still an emptiness in his heart. He knew it was there, but he avoided thinking about it. He thought that maybe if he refused to look at it for long enough, it would go away. He felt the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach when he put the coffee grounds in the percolator on his small stove and sipped his morning cup of black coffee. He thought maybe he should stop drinking the stuff, but then, every morning, he put the grounds in the percolator and boiled it on the stove again.
He shook off the thoughts of coffee and the empty feeling in his heart. The streets of the settlement were quiet at this early hour, but soon the children would start to awaken, and he'd hear the shouts of playing in the nearby school yard.
As he and Sveta arrived at their worksite, he exchanged greetings with the other men and women on the team. He had become friendly with all of them, but wasn't close to any of them. Today, their goal was to complete the frame of the new community center for the town. It was an ambitious task, but Chakotay was confident they would be able to achieve it. He talked with the others about the day's plan, anxious to get the work started before the sun reached its peak in the sky.
=/\=
The white gold sun sank into a strip of wispy lavender clouds, casting a silver glow on the lake, reminding Kathryn of the silver blood aliens who had been able to replicate Voyager's crew by sampling their DNA. The water shimmered under the glow of the setting sun, glistening and rippling, almost appearing white. Kathryn Janeway sat on the dock of the Janeway family property at Lake George, watching the sun sink towards the trees on the western shore. Since her early teens, watching the sunset from the dock had been her own private tradition. Now, ever since she had moved to Lake George on a permanent basis, it had become a nightly occurrence.
Many of her former colleagues had expressed surprise and even shock when Kathryn took an early retirement from Starfleet and moved to Lake George. But upon her return from the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn realized that Starfleet had changed, and so had she. She was no longer accustomed to following orders, especially if those orders went against her better judgment. The incident with the Romulan supernova and Starfleet's blanket condemnation of all artificial life forms had been the final straw for her. Voyager's own EMH had been harmed by the movement against synthetics, even though he was not an android. She had seen him ridiculed and persecuted for his very existence, and despite her valiant attempts to fight on his behalf, Starfleet had done nothing to protect his rights. He had finally decided to book passage on a freighter bound for parts unknown in search of a life where he would be truly appreciated, and while Kathryn had thrown him a goodbye party and cried at their parting, she couldn't blame him for leaving after the way he'd been treated.
For the first several days of her retirement, she had absorbed herself completely in tasks around the house. No one had lived at the property full time since the death of Kathryn's grandmother, and there was much to be done both indoors and out. She had repainted each room, repaired some of the furniture which had been in the family for generations and stained and painted the outdoor deck. One of her former colleagues, another admiral with whom she'd had a brief relationship, had come to visit her soon after her retirement had been announced. He'd been shocked by the news and had come to confront her about it, but her protestations of the changes in Starfleet fell on deaf ears. Then again, he had never seen the side of her that liked to plant tomatoes and muck around in the dirt. He didn't know how much she enjoyed swimming in the lake, and couldn't understand how painting the deck rails could be so satisfying. He'd left bewildered, and she hadn't spoken to him again since.
After a week of busying herself with chores around the house, Kathryn had started to plan her next steps. The new chapter of her life started when a friend from childhood who was now head of Indiana University reached out, and, having heard of her retirement from Starfleet, asked her if she might consider giving a lecture at the university. One lecture had turned into a series, and it wasn't long before requests started pouring in. She enjoyed teaching, lecturing and meeting and talking with students. It gave meaning to all that she had been through when she was able to share the lessons she had learned with so many young people. The same childhood friend had later asked her, "Kathryn, why don't you write a book? I think that people all over the Federation would be interested in reading it."
Kathryn had never considered herself much of a writer, but she had discovered, once she sat down in the quiet of one Lake George evening, that the words flowed easily, and in a year, she'd completed three drafts. The final draft had just been sent to her publisher, so she had several weeks to relax and enjoy the lake before her next teaching and lecturing engagements and a planned book tour. She took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled. At one time, it would have upset her to have nothing to do but garden, cook, and do chores around the house, but now she relished the quiet and the time to herself. She had discovered that in solitude, she could learn to live with herself in peace, something she'd never been able to fully accomplish before.
The sun dipped deeper behind the wispy clouds, and the sky at the edges of the clouds began to turn pink. From somewhere across the lake, a loon cried out its woeful song. A dragonfly buzzed past her. An elderly couple glided by in a canoe. "Good evening," they said, and she waved and returned the greeting. She saw the woman lean into the man and settle her head against his shoulder, and for a brief moment, she allowed herself to feel the loneliness that sometimes settled over her like a fine mist.
She'd had a few relationships over the years, but none had lasted longer than a few months. Although her life had not turned out the way she had planned, she had learned to enjoy and appreciate what she had, and to accept what she did not. There had been years when she had wished that things could be different, but now, those days were few and far between. Her life was far from boring, and she always knew she was coming home to the most beautiful place on Earth.
Kathryn stood, but waited on the dock for a little while longer as the clouds changed color, from grey to purple with a pink and gold glow surrounding them. She took a deep breath of the sweet fresh air, and as the sunlight disappeared completely, she turned to go up to the house.
She stopped suddenly when a flash of movement caught her eye along a log on the shore that sat next to the dock. It was not unusual to see mice, chipmunks, or even a snake, but the creature she saw was none of these. She stepped closer to the log and saw a bright green lizard. She gasped, the image immediately conjuring a memory.
"Hello," she whispered to the creature.
The lizard almost seemed to hear her. It cocked its head at her and then skittered away, disappearing into the underbrush.
Kathryn stood there a moment longer, staring at where the lizard had been, before she forced herself to turn away. She looked back out over the dock at the water, which had gone from a light silver to a dark grey. She was tempted to return to the edge of the dock and enjoy the rest of the beautiful night, but she knew that now that the sun had set, she would be surrounded by the local insect life, so she turned away from the lake and walked up the small hill to the house.
=/\=
"Hey, Chakotay!"
Chakotay looked down to see Avram extending a long plank up towards him. He was sitting astride one of the beams on the new community center frame, where they were laying the roof. Tightening his legs around the beam, he reached down to grab the plank. "We'll lay a few more of these before we stop for lunch," he said.
Avram nodded. "You got it, boss."
Chakotay smiled and laid the plank over the frame of the roof, then reached into his tool belt for a hammer and nails to secure it. He felt the sweat dripping down his neck, but ignored it. He enjoyed the daily physical labor and was particularly grateful for it today. He had been distracted all morning. He'd left a sand painting out that he'd been working on the night before, forgetting that Sveta would see it when she came to meet him. The painting, a representation of a wooded glen on New Earth, had been an image he simply couldn't banish from his mind. He'd meant to destroy it at soon as he'd finished it, but had delayed a day. Sveta had seen it and questioned him about it, immediately asking if it had something to do with Kathryn when he'd refused to answer. It seemed that Janeway had become one of Sveta's favorite subjects to bring up, especially seeing how much it annoyed him when she did. She seemed to think his relationship with Janeway was an unresolved issue in his life and that he would not be able to move on or be truly happy until he addressed it within himself. Maybe she was right, he mused, as he reached down to grab another plank.
At that moment, a bird flew by, skimming across the air just a few feet away from him. It was red and gold, and so resembled a bird that had inhabited New Earth that it shocked him. He craned his neck to see where the bird had gone, but the twisting motion threw off his balance. Distracted by the bird, he had loosened the grip of his legs on the beam, and he suddenly found himself tipping, then falling through the air. He felt the harness around his waist pull taut but then heard a loud crack as it snapped. Then, he was free falling. He reached up, as if the bird or the sky could catch him, but nothing did. He heard a loud thump, and then, blackness.
=/\=
That night's sunset was bright red, a brilliant, fiery color, but she was distracted, unable to keep the image of the lizard she had seen a few days earlier from her mind. Lizards were unusual at Lake George, and while she had searched high and low for the creature, she had been unable to find it or any of its kind again.
She tried to rationalize it away. It's just a lizard, she told herself. You see snakes and insects all the time. What's the difference? But much as she tried to make herself believe it was just another creature dwelling near the lake, she couldn't shake the feeling that the lizard's appearance had a deeper meaning. Why, she wondered, would I see it after so many years?
Seeing the green lizard had instantly transported her back over fifteen years, to a moment in her ready room on Voyager when Chakotay had taken her hand for the first time, and the jolt that had gone through her had been electric. She had first seen the lizard in a vision as he introduced her to her spirit guide, and while she had occasionally sought guidance from the spirit animal on Voyager, it hadn't crossed her mind for years now.
As the glowing red sun sank below the horizon, Kathryn allowed herself to wonder about Chakotay, where he was, what he was doing. He had resigned his field commission upon Voyager's return and had spent a couple of years teaching at a university. His short-lived relationship with Seven of Nine had not ended in marriage, as the other Admiral Janeway had predicted, but instead, in what Kathryn perceived as disillusionment for both of them. Following the end of his relationship with Seven, Chakotay had left his teaching position and disappeared. It had been almost ten years, now, since she had heard from him. At first, she'd spent hours asking herself what she could have done to make his life on Earth easier, to help him be happier. Eventually, she had stopped asking and decided to move on with her life. Now, Chakotay only entered her mind occasionally, when something jogged a memory, as the lizard had.
She breathed in the last breath of the sunset with a small smile on her lips before turning to walk back to the house. She wasn't tired tonight and decided to do some work, planning for her upcoming book tour. She had turned one of the spare bedrooms in the house into something of an office for herself, the only part of the house with 24th century technology. She poured herself a cup of coffee, decaf, at this hour, and went straight to the office.
When she entered the room, she noticed that her console was flashing, indicating that she had a message waiting. Unusual, especially during the late spring and early summer months, when she didn't have many classes or lectures coming up. Placing one hand on the back of her chair, she leaned over and accessed the message.
An unfamiliar woman appeared on the screen. She wore civilian clothes and had short blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. Her slightly wrinkled skin indicated that she was probably a few years older than Kathryn. "Kathryn Janeway," she said, "I'm sorry to call you out of the blue like this. I'm Sveta Korepanova, an old friend of Chakotay's."
Janeway gasped. She recognized the woman's name as the woman who had recruited Chakotay into the Maquis.
"I don't know if contacting you is the right thing to do, but, well, I thought you'd want to know." Sveta hesitated and looked down before looking back up at the screen again. "Chakotay has been in a serious accident. He's badly injured. We didn't have the medical facilities on Bokara III to care for him, so I contacted Starfleet. He's currently being transported to Starfleet Medical aboard the USS Archer, and we're due to arrive tomorrow afternoon." Sveta paused again, seemingly about to say something else, but then thinking better of it. "I'm traveling with him, so you can contact me aboard the Archer if you'd like to. Sveta out."
The message was replaced with the Starfleet symbol, and Janeway stared at the screen in shock, gripping the back of her desk chair, her knuckles white. Her thoughts flashed back to the lizard she had seen. Had it been trying to tell her something? But no, that was foolish. And yet, she hadn't seen Chakotay in nearly a decade. Here was this call out of the blue from a woman she didn't even know telling her he'd been badly injured. She forced herself to breathe and wondered why Sveta had chosen to call her. Surely there were others that Chakotay had grown closer to over the years. She released her iron clad grip on the back of her chair and lowered herself into it. Then again, maybe not. The man had been her closest friend for seven years, and since then, she'd met nobody who could even approach his level of significance in her life. She tried to imagine where he was now, how he looked, lying in a medical bay on a strange ship with a crew he didn't know, helpless. The image sent a chill down her spine and made her feel ill.
She placed a transmission request to the Archer, naming her contact as civilian, Sveta Korepanova. The screen beeped for a few moments before the call was answered.
The woman, who Janeway now recognized, appeared. She pulled a checkered robe tight around her thin frame and sat down in front of her console. "Kathryn Janeway," she said, sounding both relieved and apprehensive.
"Sveta," Janeway replied. "Thank you for contacting me. What is Chakotay's condition?"
"Pretty bad. He fell off a building that he was helping construct, and then some other planks and wood fell on top of him. The doctor here says he has a severe spinal injury along with a list of other broken bones and damaged organs. He's been in a coma for the last three days."
"I see." Kathryn tried to keep the rising emotions she felt out of her voice. "Forgive me," she said, her voice cracking. "I didn't even know Chakotay was on Bokara III. We've been out of touch for a few years."
"I know," Sveta said.
"What prompted you to contact me? Surely Chakotay has other friends and family who would be closer to him."
Sveta shook her head. "He has friends on Bokara, but no one he's close to other than myself. They're all aware of what happened, but the medical facilities there weren't capable of treating him. That's why I contacted Starfleet. I figured that because he'd been an officer in good standing, they would be willing to treat him."
"That was very brave of you. I know from Chakotay that you were in a Starfleet prison for a number of years."
"Yes," Sveta acknowledged, a darkness crossing her face. "But that's in the past now, and I wasn't about to put my own comfort ahead of Chakotay's life. As for why I contacted you, well…" Sveta trailed off as if unsure what to say.
"Yes?"
"Before he slipped into a coma, Chakotay kept repeating one thing. Your name."
=/\=
The next day, Kathryn entered the grounds of Starfleet Headquarters for the first time in many months. She noticed immediately that the feeling of the place had shifted even more since her resignation. Many of the admirals who had mentored her had now retired, and the new breed of Starfleet officer seemed to be of an altogether different ilk. As she observed the cadets and officers on the grounds, walking swiftly with grim expressions on her faces, she couldn't help but think that if she were of Academy entrance age today, she would choose a different profession. She found something about their attitude off-putting. Janeway walked faster.
She had never liked spending time at Starfleet Medical. The environment was too sterile for her, and hospitals were pretty close to the bottom of her list of places she wanted to spend time, but as much as she disliked Starfleet Medical, she was anxious to see Chakotay. She had called Tom and B'Elanna to tell them what was going on and ask them if there was anyone else they thought she should inform. "I'll let Ayala and some of the others who used to be close to him know," B'Elanna had said, "but he doesn't have any family, at least not that I'm aware of." His cousin in Ohio had passed away shortly after Voyager's return. "Maybe you should let Seven know," B'Elanna had then suggested tentatively.
"Yes," Janeway had agreed. "I will." She had called Seven and informed her of what little she knew, and the other woman had graciously offered her support and told Kathryn to call her if there was anything she could do to help. What Kathryn couldn't figure out was why ten years later, "Kathryn," had been the name Chakotay had cried.
When she reached the main entrance to Starfleet Medical, a young ensign at a reception desk looked up at her and asked coldly, "How can I help you, ma'am?"
She told the young woman what she was looking for and received directions. She found Starfleet Medical to be even less inviting than it had been before. She could remember walking these same halls as a child once when her father was injured on a mission and brought back to Earth to heal. The memory was not a pleasant one. Finally, she reached her destination. When she walked through the double doors marked, Division of Starfleet Veterans, she expected to find another sterile, hostile environment, but she found something else entirely.
The waiting room was furnished with comfortable chairs and sofas, and a table in the center of the room was decorated with a large bouquet of colorful flowers. The young man sitting behind the desk smiled as she entered. "Hello," he said. "How can I help you?"
"I'm Admiral Janeway," she said, the title feeling foreign on her tongue. "I'm here to see Commander Chakotay."
"Just a moment, Admiral," the young man said, still smiling in a friendly manner. "Have a seat, if you'd like."
Janeway remained standing and walked around the small waiting room, marveling at how different this wing felt from the rest of Starfleet Medical. She soon realized the reason, as a doctor in a blue lab coat with long red hair streaked with grey emerged from behind the reception desk. "Admiral Janeway," the woman greeted her, coming forward to hug her. "I'm so glad you're here."
Janeway had recognized the other woman immediately, and although they had never known each other well, she'd had several encounters with Dr. Beverly Crusher over the course of her tenure in Starfleet. "Dr. Crusher," she replied, "I didn't know you were in charge of this division."
"A few years ago, I thought about leaving Starfleet altogether," Crusher confided quietly, "but then this post became open, and I knew I'd rather be here for these officers than transfer to a private hospital."
"You've done a great job," Janeway said, with true admiration. "As soon as I walked in here, I felt…"
"More comfortable?" Crusher supplied. "I don't think 'hospital' should be a dirty word, and I don't believe patients heal just from medicine. They need a place where they can feel happy and comfortable, and so do the people who come to visit them. Now, let me show you where Chakotay's room is. His friend Sveta is with him now. She mentioned that she'd been in contact with you."
"Yes, Sveta was the one who told me about Chakotay's accident." Janeway followed Crusher back down a corridor. "What's the prognosis, Doctor?" she asked.
"His broken bones have been healed, as have the damage to his vertebrae, but he's still in a coma. I have a couple of experimental treatments I'd like try. I have a fair amount of experience with comas, both unexplained and explained, as well as spinal injuries."
"I'm familiar with your service record, Doctor," Janeway replied. "I'm sure anything you want to try will be worth the effort."
"It's always been my experience that being surrounded by familiar people, sounds and smells is one of the most effective ways of helping people heal."
"Yes, I understand that. I've contacted some of Voyager's former crew," Janeway said. "I'm sure some of them will be coming by. There's also a tradition of his people called a medicine wheel. It's supposed to be a signpost to help the injured person find their way home."
"You'd be welcome to set one up in his room," Crusher replied.
"I'm not sure I know how," Janeway admitted, embarrassed. B'Elanna would be the one more likely to know how to set up the medicine wheel. She made a mental note to talk to her about it. She knew that Tom and B'Elanna already planned to stop by the next day.
Crusher stopped in front of a door. "May I call you Kathryn?" she asked.
"Of course. I'm not an admiral anymore."
"You're welcome to call me Beverly." Crusher reached out and squeezed Janeway's shoulder. "I understand that this might be a difficult time for you, Kathryn, but if you need anything, please let me know."
Kathryn knew that the doctor was preparing her for the worst. She nodded, unable to find words to reply.
Crusher opened the door to the room and held it open for her. Chakotay was on the biobed, pale and gaunt. His cheeks were sunken, and consoles all around him beeped. Next to his bed, Sveta was sitting, a book in her hand, reading softly aloud. She looked up when the two women entered the room, and put her book down.
"Kathryn," Sveta said. "I'm so glad you're here." Sveta enfolded her in a warm hug.
"Thank you for everything you've done for Chakotay," Kathryn replied, feeling a bit overwhelmed at Sveta's warmth and kindness.
"He's like my little brother," Sveta said, looking over at Chakotay's biobed. "There's not much I wouldn't do for him."
Kathryn stepped towards the bed and brushed her hand against Chakotay's. His fingers were cold and clammy. Beverly was running her tricorder over him. "I need to do some work on my patient, ladies," Crusher said.
Sveta nodded, understanding the doctor's request, but Janeway seemed not to have heard it. She was staring down at Chakotay's face, her fingers still hovering over his. Sveta stepped forward and took her by the shoulders. "Why don't I take you for a cup of coffee?"
Kathryn nodded. She let Sveta lead her out of Chakotay's room, the image of Chakotay's pale face and the feel of his cold fingers seared into her mind. The peacefulness she'd found during the past year at Lake George seemed to have evaporated. Sveta led her by the shoulders through the corridors and to the cafe, where she sat Kathryn down and ordered coffee for both of them. Then, she took a small flask out of her bag and emptied it between the two cups.
"What's that?" Kathryn asked, coming back to herself.
"A little Saurian brandy. Excellent in coffee," Sveta replied with a wink.
The two women clinked mugs without a word and each took a sip. The brandy was strong, slightly sweet and slightly bitter at the same time, and the coffee was hot. Sveta was right, Kathryn thought. It was a good combination, and she could already feel it beginning to warm her insides. She took a longer sip the second time, then noticed Sveta studying her.
"I always wondered what you would be like in person," Sveta said.
"Do I live up to your expectations?"
"You're full of fire, just like he said you would be." She paused, as if appraising her companion. "And full of heart, too."
Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "How do you know so much about me?"
"Chakotay wrote to me a few times when you were out there. He talked about you a lot back then."
There was a long stretch of silence between them. Kathryn looked into her coffee, wanting to ask Sveta what Chakotay had said about her all those years ago. Instead, she said, "How did Chakotay end up on Bokara III? It's been almost a decade since I last spoke with him."
"I guessed it was something like that. He didn't talk much about the past these last few months. I tried to bring up your name with him a few times, but he wouldn't talk about you. I didn't know if there had been some falling out. It's one of the things that made me hesitant to contact you."
Janeway shook her head. "No falling out, not really. He left Earth, and we lost touch. I felt that he wanted to make a break from his past and start a new life. It… well, it hurt me for a while, but I wanted to respect his wishes."
"I found Chakotay on Yadozi a few months ago," Sveta said. "I know that he lived there after he left Earth, and that he had a relationship with a woman there who passed away. I'd been looking for him since my release. I finally found him through another former Maquis who had supplied him with some irrigation equipment. Since I was released, I became connected with an organization that's helping to build a colony on Bokara III for refugees from the war. I thought that Chakotay might be interested in helping, that it might bring him the peace it had brought me. When I proposed the idea to him, he was excited. I don't think there was much for him on Yadozi anymore, and he came with me to Bokara III." She sighed. "I feel responsible for what's happened to him."
Kathryn felt an urge to reassure the older woman, and reached across the table to put a hand on her shoulder. "It's not your fault," she said. "It was an accident."
"Like I said, Chakotay is like my brother," Sveta said. "I just want for him to be healthy and happy." She looked back at Kathryn. "And now that you're here, I'd say his chances have improved."
"Why do you say that?" Kathryn asked, regarding her carefully. Several sips of brandy gave her the courage to ask what she had avoided earlier in the conversation. "What was it he said to you about me in those letters?"
"He clearly felt a lot of affection for you. He admired you. It was obvious from the way he wrote about you that you were special to him. I was surprised when Voyager came back and he wasn't…" Sveta trailed off, realizing that she might have crossed a boundary to speak so personally to a woman she had just met.
"You mean when Voyager came back and we didn't get together?" Kathryn asked.
Embarrassed, Sveta nodded.
"Maybe, if we'd gotten home years earlier, things would have been different," Kathryn admitted, surprising herself by saying it out loud. "But by the time we actually did get home, our time was past, I think. He was already with someone else, and I wasn't about to interfere."
"That's another thing he said about you. That you were always ready to put everyone else's needs before your own, even if it meant giving up what was important to you."
"I suppose I did do that sometimes. When it seemed like it was what was right."
"Is that what you're doing now?" Sveta asked pointedly.
"You mean, am I here because of Chakotay's needs and not my own?"
"Yeah."
"I couldn't abandon him," Kathryn replied, not answering the question.
"That's good," Sveta said. "I can't stay. I have to get back to Bokara. Now that you're here, I'll leave tomorrow."
"You're leaving?"
"I have work I have to do. I have buildings that won't get built, food that won't be grown, people who won't have a bed to sleep in or fresh water to drink, if I don't go back there and help them. I've become one of the main organizers at the settlement, and while there are plenty of people who can help with the tasks that need to be done, there aren't many others who can organize the projects that need to get done."
"I understand," Kathryn said. "You have a responsibility to these people."
"I wish I could stay here with Chakotay, but I can't, not right now."
Kathryn sat there for a long moment, suddenly wishing that the older woman would stay. For some reason, she felt she could instinctively trust her. "What do I do if he never wakes up?"
Sveta looked away for a moment, and then back again. "I think we both know Chakotay wouldn't want to live in this condition."
Kathryn nodded curtly, and then shifted the topic in another direction, avoiding the emotional impact of Sveta's statement. "I'd love to see the work you're doing on Bokara III sometime. Maybe there's something I can do to help."
"I'd love for you to come see it," Sveta said with a smile. "We've made a lot of progress. When Chakotay is better, you'll have to bring him for a visit."
Kathryn gave a wry chuckle. "I think you have a lot of assumptions about me and Chakotay that aren't necessarily true."
"I've known Chakotay for a long time," Sveta said, downing the rest of her coffee and brandy, "ever since he was at the Academy. I think that after his sisters were killed, he started to see me as sort of another older sister, and I know that I saw him as a brother. We've been through a lot together, war, sickness, nearly starving to death. When you're in the line of fire next to someone, and your life is in their hands and vice versa, you get to know them pretty well." She regarded Kathryn over the rim of her glass. "You know what that's like. You've been there. And sometimes it takes an outsider to see the truth. That's all I'm saying."
"Are you saying that you know something about my relationship with Chakotay that I don't? I haven't seen him or spoken to him in ten years. He left Earth and cut off contact with everyone from Voyager. Ten years and not a word, not a communication, nothing. I didn't even know where he was!" Now Kathryn was allowing her anger to show. "Honestly, I thought he didn't give a damn about any of us. And now I get a call ten years later that he's been injured and that I should come right away. What is it you want me to do, Sveta? I don't have any magic. I can't make him well!" Kathryn's voice had risen so high that some of the other people in the cafe had started to glance over at their table.
Sveta tried to quiet her with a soft tone. "I know you don't have magic. I know you can't snap your fingers and make everything okay again. I'm 70 years old, Kathryn. I'm not a child. But what I also know is that Chakotay needs you now. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anybody else. He needs you. You have no obligation to stay with him for me or anyone else, but ask yourself what you really want to do."
Sveta's words hit Kathryn like a punch in the gut, and she deflated in her chair. "I'm just afraid that I can't be what he needs me to be."
"Just be yourself, Kathryn," Sveta said, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand. "That's always been enough for him."
=/\=
The road seemed to stretch for miles in both directions. It was a dirt road, and his shoes crunched in the sand and gravel when he took a step. He did not know where the road was. He did not know where he was. He was not even sure that he knew who he was. He knew that he had two choices. He could turn back on the road and return from the way he had come. Somehow, he knew that direction led to a barren desert. Or, he could go forward, towards the unknown. He looked in that direction, squinting his eyes in the bright sunlight. It seemed that there were lush trees in that direction, maybe even water, a river or a lake. It seemed that far in the distance, he could see the silhouette of a woman, and he felt a strong impulse to go towards her. But no, he thought. That's only a mirage. There's only more desert, only desolate, empty desert in all directions.
He had two choices, forward or backward, but he did not know which way to go, so he remained where he was.
=/\=
Over the next two days, Kathryn visited Chakotay at Starfleet Medical as Dr. Crusher implemented her experimental treatments. Kathryn spoke to him and read to him. She filled him in on what she knew about the movements of their former crew over the last ten years, who had married, had children, divorced, left Starfleet, gotten promoted, changed careers. She told him how proud she was of all of them, how frustrated she'd been by the Doctor's situation and how sad she'd been to see him go. She told him how Seven had decided to leave Starfleet after their breakup and of her move to join the Fenris Rangers, a decision Janeway had questioned at first but had later come to believe was a courageous and moral decision. She confessed to him her own disillusionment with Starfleet and relayed the series of events that had caused her to take early retirement. Somehow, it almost felt to her that she was speaking to her old friend, that they were back in her quarters on Voyager having one of their weekly dinners. Then she would remind herself that he couldn't hear a word she was saying, and that speaking to him at all was probably pointless.
But she was unable to convince herself with this argument, and she kept going back, visiting him twice or three times a day. When she had run out of news, she started to tell him about her life at Lake George, how peaceful and beautiful it was there and how much she appreciated living in the midst of nature after so many years surrounded by bulkheads and titanium. She admitted to him how often she thought of him, and only realized it herself after she'd said it to him. She described the Lake George house to him in every detail, the number of rooms inside, the big bay windows and deck that faced the lake, the sloping grass that led down to the waterfront beach and dock, the old sauna and the boathouse that her grandfather had built, the garden that she had started and which was now blooming and producing fruits and vegetables. She told him how she watched the sunset every night off of the dock and tried to describe some of the sunsets to him, knowing that her descriptions fell far short of the actual reality.
As she spoke, she often imagined what his responses would be, if he could hear her, and she realized how much she had missed his companionship over the years. After Voyager's return, when Chakotay and Seven had been at the beginning of their relationship, the new couple had distanced themselves from everyone. Kathryn didn't know whose choice that was, his or hers, but she thought it was perhaps because they sensed that the rest of the crew might not fully support their relationship. Tom and B'Elanna had been decidedly against it, and the Doctor had been deeply wounded when Seven disregarded him. Even Harry had once confided in his former captain that he had confronted Seven about it and told her he thought it was a bad idea. Kathryn had tried her best to be supportive of them, having promised herself that she wouldn't interfere in their happiness, but she had found it difficult to be around them when they were together. It had seemed so clear to her that the relationship didn't make either one of them particularly happy, but she felt powerless to say anything to either of them, especially with her knowledge that in the other Admiral Janeway's timeline, they had married, and presumably been happy together.
When they had ended their relationship, Seven had turned to Janeway, who had still been a mentor to her, for advice, feeling that not seeking Janeway's advice in the beginning of the relationship had been an error. Kathryn had provided whatever help and advice she could through Seven's relationship issues as well as her ultimate decision to leave Starfleet and seek another path. She had reached out to Chakotay to tell him that she was still there for him, as a friend, but he had rebuffed her offer and instead broken all ties. She had hoped that this meant he would find peace and happiness with someone else somewhere else, but, as she looked down at his broken body, she knew that this was not what had happened.
Hesitantly, she reached down and touched his fingers with her own. They were still cold, but as she wrapped her hand around his, she thought that perhaps his hand was not quite as cold and clammy as it had been.
=/\=
The destination of the road was slowly becoming more clear. There were definitely trees and what appeared to be lush greenery in the direction that led away from the desert. And he was almost certain he could hear water of some kind. Even the sky seemed bluer in that direction than it did behind him. And he thought he heard a familiar voice beckoning him to go that way.
He took his first step down the road, heading forward, towards the trees and the sound of water and the silhouette of a woman. He hoped that he would not have to walk for too long, and that when he got there, the lush green trees would not turn out to be merely a mirage.
=/\=
Later that night, as a cool breeze blew across the lake, Kathryn sat on the dock at Lake George, watching the sun, a bright, golden, glowing ball, sink in a cloudless sky. She contemplated the strange turn her life had taken over the past week. She had finally made peace with the fact that Chakotay was out of her life for good when he had reappeared. And yet, she didn't know if he would ever awaken. If he did, what would he remember? What kind of man would he be? She didn't know anything about the person he had become or the life he had lived for the last ten years. She had been talking to him as though he were still the man she had known on Voyager, but she had changed a great deal since then, and she was sure he had, too. When he woke up, if he woke up, she had no idea if he would be happy to see her or would even care that she was there.
She turned to go up to the house and stopped short with a gasp. The small green lizard was sitting on a rock, staring at her. "Hello again," she said softly. The creature didn't move, but continued to look at her. "Are you trying to tell me something?" she asked.
If she hadn't known better, she could have sworn that the lizard actually blinked in response before it skittered away into the bushes.
Kathryn stood there, staring at the rock, waiting to see if the lizard would return, but it didn't. She wondered if she should contact Dr. Crusher, if the lizard's appearance meant something about Chakotay's condition, but then she shook her head. The very idea was ridiculous. Seeing the lizard was just a coincidence, no different than seeing a squirrel or a woodpecker. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself as she marched up to the house.
=/\=
The road now was lined with bushes, shrubs and even the occasional wildflower. The air smelled sweeter and was a little more humid, not the arid dry of desert. The sun was warm on his skin, but didn't beat down oppressively. He heard a bird sing and watched as it flew overhead, darting from tree to tree. The bird was gold in color, and he had never seen a bird so entirely golden. The bird sang again from a nearby tree and flitted across the road in front of him, almost as if it was beckoning him to follow. He smiled at the golden bird and followed her down the road. She flew from tree to tree, branch to branch, all the while singing her happy song. His doubts about his destination were slowly evaporating, and he could feel his steps begin to quicken as he moved down the road towards his unknown destination.
=/\=
On the third day, before Kathryn had a chance to schedule a transport to Starfleet Medical, she received a call from Dr. Crusher. "Kathryn, I think you should get down here," she said.
"Has there been some change?" Kathryn asked, feeling her heart instantly begin to pound. Had Chakotay taken a turn for the worse? Should she have called Crusher, as she had contemplated, after seeing the lizard the previous night?
"His vital signs have improved significantly in the last few hours. His heart rate has increased, and so has his brain activity."
"I'm on my way," Kathryn replied, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. She made her way to Starfleet Medical and walked the now familiar path through the facility to the Division of Starfleet Veterans. The young man at the desk now knew her and waved her through. When she arrived at Chakotay's room, Dr. Crusher was checking his vital signs on a nearby console. His medicine wheel was hanging above his bed. Tom and B'Elanna had brought it the day before.
"Kathryn," Crusher greeted her. "Good to see you."
"Hello, Beverly. Thanks for calling me" She looked down at Chakotay. He did look healthier than before. His skin was less pale. She ran her fingers over his. They were warm.
"His vital signs have improved significantly since last night. If he does regain consciousness, I thought it might be good for him to have a familiar face nearby."
Janeway didn't voice any of the doubts she had about whether Chakotay would even want to see her. Instead, she sat in the chair beside his bed and took his hand in hers. Just wake up, she thought. Just wake up and be okay. Then, if you never want to see me again, I'll go.
=/\=
He reached a hill and began to climb up it. The little gold bird was still flying in front of him, beckoning him on. When he reached the top of the hill, he could see that beyond the hill was a large lake, and at the bottom there was a brown house. As he approached the house, he could see that in front of it there was a large garden filled with lush, growing plants. There were vines in the garden, too, vines that looked somehow familiar to him. The golden bird began to tweet loudly in his direction, and he realized he had stopped.
He resumed a quick pace towards the house, easier now that he was going downhill. When he reached the bottom of the hill, he turned towards the house. Its lawn was well manicured, the garden obviously kept up. The bird led him past the house, down a sloping lawn to the edge of the lake.
The bird hovered over the lake, but he hesitated, wondering what the bird wanted him to do. She twittered relentlessly, flying out over the lake and back again. Finally, he stepped forward onto the sandy beach, knelt down, and placed his hands, palms down, into the clear, blue water.
=/\=
Kathryn jolted in her chair, pulled from the lecture she was reading, when she felt the fingers beneath hers jerk suddenly. The figure in the bed that had been still for days breathed in a deep breath, and Chakotay opened his eyes.
His eyes locked with hers, and for a moment, he smiled the same smile she had seen a thousand times. "Kathryn," he said. Then, his face clouded as he looked around the room. "Where am I? What are you doing here?"
She pulled her hand from atop his and pressed the console on the wall that would page Dr. Crusher. "You were in an accident, Chakotay," she explained. "You're at Starfleet Medical."
"Starfleet?" he asked, confused.
"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked.
He struggled to remember. "I was…" He thought harder. What was the last thing he could remember? "I was on Bokara III," he finally said.
"Yes," Kathryn replied, relieved that this memory seemed to be intact. "You were badly injured. Sveta brought you here for medical treatment."
Chakotay tried to prop himself up on his elbows, and Kathryn immediately moved to his side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Don't try to move, Chakotay. Wait for the doctor."
"I'm fine," he started to say.
At that moment, Dr. Crusher entered the room and immediately went to Chakotay's bedside. "You most certainly are not. Lie back," she ordered. "Just relax." She took out a medical tricorder and began to scan him. "I'm Dr. Crusher. How do you feel?" she asked.
"How long have I been here?" Chakotay asked, ignoring Crusher's question.
"About three days. You were brought here on a ship before that." Crusher replied. "Can you move your arms?"
Chakotay lifted one arm, then the other. He attempted to wiggle his fingers. "The fingers in my left hand feel numb," he said.
"Most likely, full feeling will return over time," Crusher assured him. "Can you move your legs?"
He moved his right leg without effort. The left took more concentration. "My left leg feels partially numb, too," he said.
"We'll continue to try and stimulate those nerves," said Crusher. "With a little bit more treatment, full feeling should return in time."
"What happened to me?" Chakotay asked again.
"You were in a severe construction accident," Crusher explained. "You had several broken bones and a severe spinal injury. You were in a coma."
"Beverly has been treating you," Kathryn added.
Beverly looked at Chakotay and smiled. "I still need to run some more scans. Just lie back for a few minutes."
Suddenly feeling that she was intruding on his privacy, Kathryn excused herself. "I need to go call Sveta and tell her you're all right," she said. "And Tom and B'Elanna, too."
With Kathryn out of the room, Chakotay looked with curiosity at Crusher. "Doctor, what's my prognosis?" he asked.
"A hell of a lot better than it was yesterday," she replied, and her candid response made him genuinely grin. "Your accident was severe, Chakotay," she continued, honestly. "But given the way your body is responding today, I think it's likely that you will regain between 80 and 95% of full feeling and mobility in all of your limbs."
"That's good news. How much longer do I have to stay here?"
"Why? You don't like my unit?" Chakotay almost opened his mouth to respond, but then realized that the doctor was teasing him. "I'm not sure. A few more days? Maybe a week? But I am going to need to do several weeks of treatments to make sure that you regain your mobility and sensation as fully as possible. I understand that you were living on Bokara III at the time of your accident. Do you have anywhere to stay on Earth?"
Chakotay furrowed his brow. It had been years since he'd spent any time on Earth, and he hadn't exactly left his friends here on the best of terms. "I'm not sure," he said, "but I'm sure I'll figure something out."
At that moment, Kathryn peered in the door. "May I come in?" she asked.
Chakotay nodded, and Crusher warned, "All right, but not too long. My patient needs rest." With that, the doctor gathered her tricorder and left the room, giving Chakotay a reassuring wink as she did so.
Kathryn gestured to the chair by Chakotay's bed. "May I sit for a while? Or would you like to rest?"
"No, stay," Chakotay said, suddenly feeling that he didn't want to be left alone in this place which used to be familiar, but was now strange.
She smiled as she sat beside him, relieved that he had not told her to go. "It's good to see you awake," she said softly. "And alive."
"Seems like I'm lucky to be here."
She nodded. "Sveta was smart to contact Starfleet immediately. She saved your life."
"It's not the first time."
"She seems like a wonderful woman, and she cares for you a great deal."
His eyes widened. "You spoke with her?"
"I met her, actually. She was here until a couple of days ago."
"I owe her," Chakotay said ruefully. "Again."
"I just talked to her. She'd like to talk with you, when you're up to it."
"Okay," he replied. "Soon."
She saw his eyelids beginning to get heavy and knew that soon he would need to rest. "You know, Chakotay," she began, hesitant at first, "if you need somewhere to stay on Earth, you're welcome to come to Lake George."
"Lake George?"
She felt foolish; she had almost forgotten that he had not heard everything she had shared with him over the past couple of weeks. "I live there now," she explained. "I have that whole big house to myself. I've found it a very refreshing and peaceful place to be." He didn't seem to know how to respond, so she held up a hand. "You don't have to give me an answer now. I just wanted you to know that the offer is open."
"Thank you," he said, not knowing what else to say. He yawned and felt his eyelids begin to droop.
She saw his tiredness and stood. "I'll let you rest now."
"Okay."
"Sleep well." She had taken two steps towards the door when she heard his voice again.
"Kathryn?" She turned around. "Thank you for being here."
She smiled, nodded and knew that his eyes had closed before she even shut the door behind her.