3

The transport station on Earth's moon was crowded, filled with travelers of all shapes, sizes, ages and races. One young woman bid a tearful goodbye to a young man man while a Ktarian mother tried to corral her two small children. A few Academy cadets were passing through, perhaps returning from their summer vacation. Chakotay watched them all pass by as he sat waiting for his transport to Bokara III. Out the station's viewport, he could see the blue and green swirling colors of Earth below. He stood from his chair and walked over to the viewport, looking down at the planet he had only left that morning. North America was plainly visible, and he imagined that he could see Lake George itself as he peered at the spot on the continent where he knew it lay.

His farewell with Kathryn that morning had been awkward and strained. He sensed that she was unhappy with his choice, and the truth was, he hadn't really wanted to leave, either. But he had promised Sveta that he would return, and he had promised himself that he would do something useful, something that would make a difference. At that moment, his personal communications device vibrated in his pocket, and he picked it up to see an incoming video call from Sveta. "Hello," he answered.

"Chakotay!" she exclaimed. "I got your message."

"I'm waiting at the transport station now," he said, putting a small device in his ear so he could hear Sveta without her voice being broadcast to the rest of the station.

She looked at him through the screen, and even across the lightyears, he could feel her scrutiny. "When we spoke, I was under the impression that you and Kathryn were quite happy together at Lake George."

"Not the last couple days," he replied. "Ever since I told her I was going back to Bokara, she's seemed upset about something."

Sveta crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Of course she's upset, you idiot."

"I don't understand why she should be. I told her from the very beginning that I would be going back as soon as I was well enough. It's not like it was a surprise. And it's not the way I left before. I didn't leave without saying goodbye. I told her I'd call her every day."

"Oh, men!" Sveta exclaimed, exasperated. "Chakotay, in some ways you are so smart and wonderful and sensitive. Sometimes I forget that you can be just as dumb as any other man."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that Kathryn Janeway is in love with you. That's why she's upset. She wished you would decide to stay, and now she's hurt that you didn't."

Sveta's statement hit Chakotay like a ton of bricks. He considered it for a moment and then shook his head. "No," he said. "No. Kathryn and I lost our chance for anything like that years ago. She's happy with her life at Lake George. She found peace there, without me. She told me as much."

Sveta smiled gently. "Just because she found something that she lacked on Voyager doesn't mean that she doesn't want you to be part of that, too." She paused. "Think about what you're doing, Chakotay. You say your chance to have something with her passed a long time ago. She said something similar to me when I first met her, but think about the last several weeks and ask yourself if that's really true, or if that's just a lie you're telling yourself to make it easier for you to walk away."

He opened his mouth as if to speak, and then closed it again, unsure what to say.

She continued, "I've known you a long time. The only time in your life when you haven't been running from something was those years when you were on Voyager. Because you were happy then, weren't you?"

"Yes," he replied, his voice catching in his throat. "I was."

"We don't need you to come back to Bokara right away. There are plenty of us here that can do the work that needs to be done. If you decide to come back here, I'll welcome you, as I always have, but I think you should think long and hard about this choice before you make it. You said Kathryn found peace at Lake George. What about you, Chakotay? Where will you find peace now?"

Chakotay didn't know how to reply and merely nodded.

"Think about it," Sveta said, and ended the call.

Dumbfounded, Chakotay sat in the middle of the transport station, staring at the now blank screen in front of him. He had no answers for Sveta and even fewer for himself.

=/\=

Clouds emanated from the horizon like crooked, puffy spokes on a giant wheel. As the sun passed behind one of them, its rays jutted out in all directions and made the lake glow. Kathryn Janeway sat on the dock watching the sunset alone. It was one of those particularly spectacular sunsets when it seemed clear to her why ancient peoples had looked up at the sky and believed that heaven was in the clouds. The air smelled sweet and fresh, and she tried to tell herself that her life was better this way.

The clouds shifted in the breeze, nearly covering the sun completely. Glowing rays shone down through the cloud cover, and across the clouds was a single streak of light, resembling a bolt of white lightning suspended in the sky. She hadn't been lying to Chakotay when she'd told him she had found peace here at Lake George, but having a glimpse of what it might be like to share her life with him had been both tantalizing and intoxicating. When he had told her on the boat that his departure was imminent, only then had she realized how much she wanted him to stay.

On Voyager, their relationship had always been restrained by the parameters of a command structure and their isolation in the Delta Quadrant. They had not been free to pursue or explore their feelings and had forced themselves to be content with being close friends who occasionally shared an embrace or held hands. Undoubtedly, there had been an attraction between them, but it was one they had never acknowledged, and it had faded the longer they had pushed it aside. By the end of Voyager's journey, while they certainly still had cared about each other, their relationship had become strained. She knew now that she bore the brunt of the responsibility for that because she had increasingly isolated herself from the crew and from him and had stopped sharing many of her feelings with him because it had been easier for her to pretend that she had no feelings. It had been a survival mechanism for her, one that she had held onto until finally leaving Starfleet.

In the peace and quiet of Lake George, she'd had time to think about everything, to acknowledge everything she'd felt over all those years, to process it, and to listen to herself. Only after months of relative solitude had she finally been able to make peace with her past and her choices. She felt more in touch with herself and with her emotions now than she had ever been before. She had realized, thinking back, that she'd been in love with Chakotay on Voyager, but had been so unable to express or act on her feelings that she hadn't even been able to acknowledge them to herself. And over years of denial, those feelings had withered, like a body starved for nourishment.

He had returned to her life just as suddenly as he had left, and she had found herself getting to know him all over again, as the person she was now, the more mature, settled woman, as opposed to Voyager's eager, focused, and enthusiastic captain. In their weeks together, she had fallen in love with him anew. It was not the rekindling of an old flame, but rather, a new and different feeling. Only after he said he was leaving did she realize how strongly she had started to hope that perhaps he would decide to stay and explore these new feelings, taking the chance they had never taken before.

A sudden cold wind gusted across the lake without warning and then began to blow in earnest. Across the horizon, she could see from the hazy look of the clouds that there was rain falling on the other side of the lake. The cold wind whipped up the water so it was churning in big white capped waves. The clouds became bright purple with pink and orange streaks, a golden glow emanating from the place where the sun had just gone down. She stood from her place on the dock and let the wind blow her hair. It was cold, but she stood in defiance of the cold, facing directly into the wind, letting it blow as it would.

=/\=

The road was dark. It was nighttime, he surmised, but when he looked up at the sky, he could not see any stars. It was so dark that it was difficult to see anything at all. "Hello?" he called, but there was no response.

He started to walk in the direction he thought was the lake house, looking for the little golden bird, but he didn't see her. Perhaps she was sleeping.

He walked for a long time, so long that he began to wonder if he was lost. Finally, defeated, he stopped. His eyes had adjusted to the dark, and he could make out vague shapes in the forest. He saw the stump of an old tree and sat down, his eyes downcast.

"Hello, Chakotay."

The voice startled him, and he looked up to find a familiar face looking down at him. His father's arms were crossed loosely over his chest, and he was looking down at his son with a patient, kind expression.

"Father, what are you doing here?"

"I met your little Goldenbird," his father replied, sitting on another stump next to him.

"The golden bird? Where is she? I was looking for her."

"She's right where you left her, Chakotay. In fact, at this very moment, I think she's watching the sunset."

"No, I mean the little yellow…" Chakotay trailed off, a sudden realization hitting him. "The golden bird is Kathryn?"

His father smiled, and did not answer.

"What do you mean you met her?"

"She's a lovely woman," his father continued. "Strong and beautiful. Wise enough to let you go."

"What are you trying to tell me, Father?" Chakotay asked.

"Search your heart, my son. I think you already know."

Chakotay awoke with a gasp, and for a moment, he didn't know where he was. He realized quickly that he was neither on the dirt road speaking to his father, nor at Kathryn's house at Lake George. He was on the transport station on Earth's moon, where, following his conversation with Sveta, he had delayed his trip to Bokara III and booked a bunk for the night. The bed was hard and lumpy, and he found himself missing the soft, cushy bed at Kathryn's house. He turned over on his side, trying to get more comfortable.

His father's words echoed in his mind. Strong and beautiful. Wise enough to let you go. Search your heart, my son.

Chakotay lay in the uncomfortable bunk for several more minutes, tossing and turning, before he threw off the covers, sealed his duffel bag and hurried back into the hub of the station.

=/\=

The wheelbarrow creaked as she pushed it up the hill. It was another beautiful, sunny day, and one of the neighbors had felled several old trees on their property and offered her however much firewood she wanted. She'd use it in the sauna in the summer and in the fireplace in the winter, so she had happily taken them up on their offer. They had piled the wood at the top of their drive next door, so she was pushing the wheelbarrow up to the pile, where she then filled it with freshly chopped logs. She paused to wipe the sweat from her brow before lifting the handles of the wheelbarrow and wheeling it back down the hill to her woodshed. She unloaded the wheelbarrow, stacking the logs in the woodshed in a neat pile, and then returned to the top of the hill to do the same thing again. She knew that the best way for her to move forward was to keep busy and keep active. After the third trip up and down the hill with the wheelbarrow, she was sweating and grimy, and decided she would light the sauna.

Her grandmother had had a saying, "Whatever the problem, sweat it out." It was a saying she had always found to be true. Somehow, after sweating in the sauna and jumping in the lake, everything seemed a little bit better. She turned the damper on the stove pipe in the sauna straight up and down so it wouldn't get smoky. She shoveled the old ashes out of the stove and put them in a metal bucket. Then she folded up some old paper and put some kindling into the stove, criss-crossing the pieces of wood so that they would burn well. She lit a match and watched as the paper went up in flames, soon taking the kindling with it. As the blaze became a healthy fire, she added more kindling to it. She went inside and turned the damper on the stove pipe, then threw some water around in the hot room. Then, back to check the fire again. She took the metal fire poker off the sauna wall and used it to move the wood around inside the stove.

"Can I help you with that?"

Kathryn gasped and dropped the fire poker on the ground. She turned around to see Chakotay standing over her, carrying his duffel bag over his shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't go to Bokara."

"I can see that." She stood to face him, wiping her hands on her shirt before placing them on her hips.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

She almost shot back an acerbic remark like, 'We are talking,' but she thought better of it and nodded, gesturing to the picnic table by the lake. Chakotay followed her down to it and put his duffel bag on the ground before sitting on one end of one of the benches. Kathryn sat at the other end of the same bench. "I thought you'd be well on your way by now," she said.

"I never made it off the transport station." He took a deep breath. "I decided I was making a mistake." She looked at him, waiting and listening. He considered where to start. He closed his eyes and searched for the right words. "When I was in my coma, and after, I had this recurring dream. Every time, I was on a road, like I told you that day when we were talking. I knew that one end of the road led back to the desert on Yadozi, but the other direction was unknown. For a long time, I couldn't decide which way to go, but then, finally, I started walking forward, away from Yadozi. And as I started to walk, I saw that the road was lined with trees and foliage. A little golden bird appeared and started flying back and forth in front of me. I felt that she wanted me to follow her, so I did. She led me down the road, past the greenery, through the forest, to a house by a lake." He paused. "I don't know why it took me so long to realize it, but that golden bird is you somehow, isn't it?"

She looked stricken. "How did you know?"

"Last night, my father appeared to me in a vision. He helped me see the connection."

"My father used to call me Goldenbird," Kathryn said softly. "It was his nickname for me. No one else has ever called me that."

"I didn't know," Chakotay said. He continued, "This may not make any sense to you, but my father told me he had met you."

"That's impossible," Kathryn began to reply, but then, suddenly, an image appeared in her mind, a bright green lizard leading her through a forest to a withered old man with grey hair and a fedora. There's no shame in asking for help. Sharing one's pain is often the best way to heal, and being strong doesn't always mean standing alone. The words echoed in her mind as if from a dream. "Maybe he did," she said softly.

"Kathryn," Chakotay continued, moving a little closer to her on the bench, "when you told me you had found your peace here at Lake George, I thought that meant you had found peace in solitude, without me, and that I shouldn't interfere." He paused. "Sveta told me I was an idiot."

At this, Kathryn laughed out loud. "She's right. You are an idiot." She closed the rest of the distance between them and placed her hand over his. "I found peace here because in the quiet of this place, I was finally able to make peace with myself." She squeezed his hand. "That doesn't mean I don't want someone to share it with."

"Someone?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

"You, if you're interested."

Chakotay shifted his body towards her. "I'm definitely interested."

"As long as you're not going to run out on me again."

"I won't. I want to try this for real, Kathryn." He reached over and took her other hand in his.

"This?"

"Us."

"We never had a chance to explore our feelings before." She gripped his hands, trembling.

"Are you scared?"

"A little."

"Me, too." He kissed the backs of her hands. "But I think we can do this, together."

She smiled. "Of course. If we can conquer the Delta Quadrant together, surely we can manage a relationship."

"I'd say the last few weeks have been a pretty successful experiment."

"There are still some things we haven't tried."

"Such as?"

She popped up from the bench, startling him, and pulled his hand to lead him towards the sauna, where her fire was now roaring. She added some more kindling and checked the temperature inside. It would be hot soon. "Are you up for another sauna?" she asked.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "I'll go up to the house to change."

She nodded and tended to the fire and put on her own suit while he went inside.

This time, when Chakotay stepped into the Lake George house, he felt like he was coming home. The house smelled good and felt good. Feeling sure of himself, he placed his duffel bag in Kathryn's room instead of the spare bedroom where he had been sleeping before. He changed into his swim trunks and walked back down to the sauna, a new spring in his step. By the time he got there, she was already in the hot room, pouring water on the hot rocks.

He stepped inside and smelled the scents of old wood and smoke and was immediately greeted by a wall of heat and steam. Kathryn was sitting on the top bench and invited him to join her. Unlike the first time he'd been in the sauna, now, climbing up to the top bench was not a problem. The top bench was even warmer than the lower benches, and he could feel the beads of sweat begin to form on his brow immediately. Kathryn reached for another small pot of water and threw it on the rocks.

They sat in silence, both almost afraid to break the moment. When Kathryn reached for the pot again, Chakotay caught her hand mid-reach. He began to trace her fingers with his own, all the way up the back of her hand and her arm. Then, his fingers traced the low-backed outline of her bathing suit, all the way down her back, almost but not quite touching the top of her buttocks. His fingers followed the line of her suit back up her back and over her other shoulder, then tracing a line up her neck. She shivered at the intimate contact despite the intense heat of the sauna. He traced down her other arm and let his fingers slip from her hand to the top of her thigh, where they began to trace lazy circles.

Kathryn let her hand slide over to Chakotay's thigh, where she began to trace a line from his knee up the edge of his shorts and back again, each time inching a little bit higher. Now, it was his turn to gasp.

As Chakotay's fingers began to trace their way down her cleavage, she could feel the sweat dripping down her back and her chest. "I'm hot," she said breathlessly.

He chuckled. "Yes, you are."

"No, I didn't mean…" A second hand found the top of her thigh and inched its way up towards her center. She gasped aloud and wiped the sweat from her brow. He leaned towards her and put his lips against her neck, just below her ear. Another gasp, her head tilted back to give him better access until she suddenly pulled away.

"What?"

"Lake," she gasped, climbing down from the top shelf, her whole body tingling with heat and sensation. Before he had a chance to reply, she was swinging open the sauna door and running for the lake.

He had recovered well, but he still wasn't up for running, so he walked down to the lake, feeling the sweat drip from every pore in his body. She was already swimming out into the bay, but he continued to walk into the water until he saw her swimming back to meet him. He waded out a little further until he was close enough that he could catch her in the water. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled the length of her body against him. He felt her arms encircle his neck as cold lake water dripped from her body onto his. He looked into her eyes, seeking her soul as he sought her body, and then, seeing what he hoped for there, he lowered his mouth to hers.

Their lips met in a sensation that was overwhelming, and their tongues intertwined passionately. His still warm body was pressed against her cooling one as their mouths met and explored each other. Finally, when they broke the kiss, both gasping for air, they clung to each other, still standing waist deep in the lake, as if they would never let go.

They spent the remainder of the day in and out of the lake exploring their newfound intimacy, holding hands, kissing, taking every possible advantage of the opportunity to touch one another and delighting in the sensations it produced. It was Chakotay who asked if they might go for an evening boat ride, and Kathryn agreed, grinning at the idea. There was enough of a breeze that they decided to take the sailboat, and they drove to the marina in an anticipatory silence, holding hands across the hovercar's console. Somehow, Chakotay felt that this sailboat ride was going to end differently from the first one.

They set sail, Chakotay following Kathryn's instructions, more comfortable this time than he had been before. When they were out in open water, he brought up a picnic basket that they had hastily put together, with replicated champagne, cheese, strawberries and chocolate. He found two champagne flutes in the galley below and poured them each a glass.

The sky was hazy, and the sun glowed red. Chakotay handed Kathryn her glass of champagne and sat down on a bench next to her.

"Thank you," she said, holding up her glass to him. They clinked glasses and sipped their champagne. Kathryn let her body relax into Chakotay's side and felt his arm encircle her shoulders. Being in his embrace felt warm, comfortable and safe, and she marveled that at her age, she could still feel this way. "Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"I think I'm in love with you."

He pulled away so he could look her in the eyes. He studied her as if evaluating how serious she was. The look in her eyes must have convinced him, because he leaned forward to place a kiss on her forehead. "Sveta told me that you were. I didn't believe her."

"Sveta is a wise woman."

"She asked me how I was going to find my peace now. I didn't have an answer for her."

"Do you have answer now?"

"I think so."

"You once told me that you had found peace because of me."

He nodded and leaned over to kiss her again. "I did. And then I lost it, but I'm starting to believe that things like that can be found again, even if they've been lost a very long time."

"Maybe that peace was never lost," Kathryn replied, resting her hand on Chakotay's chest. "Maybe you just forgot where to look."

"Maybe." He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers for a long, languid kiss. "Kathryn Janeway," he whispered, taking her face between his hands, "I've been in love with you for a very long time."

"Really?" she asked, placing one hand over his "How long?"

"I don't know," he admitted, honestly. "The angry warrior was in love with you."

She leaned in and kissed him again, then snuggled closer into his side, looking at the red glowing sun sinking slowly into the haze. "I never let myself be in love with you before," she said. "But now I can."

"All these years, since Voyager's return, I've felt that I was trapped with this unlucky hand that I'd been dealt," he admitted. "Somehow, I just couldn't see that there were all these other possibilities out there."

"Sometimes it's hard to see what's not there," she said. "That's what the possible is, after all. It's what's not reality. If you'd told me ten years ago that I'd take early retirement from Starfleet and move to Lake George, I don't think I would have believed you."

"I would never have believed you'd do that either," he said, laughing. They sipped their champagne, and he passed her a piece of cheese, taking one for himself, too. "If you'd told me on Voyager that after we got home I'd run away because I couldn't face myself, I wouldn't have believed that, either." His tone had become more serious.

She placed her hand on his thigh and squeezed it. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Chakotay."

He smiled. "I think I'm starting to believe that."

"Good." The red sun had sunk behind hazy clouds, giving an eerie glow to the sky.

"We'll have plenty of time to talk about the future," he said. "Tonight is about the present."

"Yes," she agreed, raising her glass to his. "Our very first sailboat ride was a celebration of life. I think tonight is, too."

They clinked glasses and sipped. The vanishing sun cast a glow over Kathryn's face, and Chakotay tenderly brushed a lock of hair out of her face, then took her champagne glass out of her hand and placed it on the table. He leaned forward to cover her body with his as he kissed her full on the mouth.

Beneath him, Kathryn gasped. The sensation between their bodies was electric, and her hands immediately began to roam over his back as they kissed. His hands wandered under the hem of her dress, and somewhere in the back of her mind, Kathryn realized that in a moment, she would lose all ability and desire to stop him. She stilled the movements of her mouth and lips and placed a firm hand on his chest.

It took him a moment to come back to himself, to realize that she was giving him a signal. "I'm sorry," he said. "I was getting carried away, wasn't I?"

"I think you were carrying me right with you."

He looked embarrassed. "We can stop."

"I didn't think we should make love for the first time on the deck of the boat. Some of the other boats have lights." She paused and added with a grin, "Besides, I can get quite loud."

Even in the dim light, she saw Chakotay's cheeks redden. "I'll wait," he assured her, still trying to catch his breath. "I'll wait till we get back to the house."

"We don't have to wait till we get back to the house. Unless you want to."

"We don't?"

She shook her head. "There are quarters below decks, Chakotay." His face lit up as she stood, extended her hand and led him below.