Ch.2
A/N: I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! I was stuck at home with Covid but it allowed me the time to finish off this chapter! I am absolutely loving getting back into this. Love it or hate it, don't forget to drop a review! It means more than you know.
"Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Kathy's day today," Olivia had said quietly as they pulled back into the parking lot of the cemetery.
The group had had a great lunch catching up on life, reminiscing about memories shared and memories missed. Some of it happy and some of it sad, but all around it was an afternoon well spent.
"I'm thankful you came," Elliot replied gently, truly grateful she had come and spent her day with him and his family but feeling a sense of guilt that she had missed a day with her son. "I'm sorry you missed out on some time with your boy."
"Ah, don't worry about it," she smiled as she scrolled through her phone, showing him a picture of Noah and his friend Brett. Their faces were covered in paint, "I'd say he's having a good time!"
Elliot chuckled and a smile broke out across his face, "I'd say he's having a blast!"
He was happy for her, truly so happy that she became a mother but his heart was always so divided. He hated that he had missed it, that he didn't know the whole story, but he hoped he would one day.
"I'm really happy for you, Liv….I'm happy that you got your dream."
She closed her phone and held it to her chest. Looking over at him, her eyes were glistening but full of love and there was a small smile on her face, "It's been the greatest blessing. Being a single parent is incredibly challenging….but it's still one of the most rewarding jobs I've ever had."
"Single parent," he murmured softly, a few things running through his mind but the first was, "I guess I'm technically a single parent too…."
Her eyes went wide. She hadn't meant anything by sharing her reality, but she regretted opening up the wound nonetheless. She did what she could to try and make it better, "You might be a single parent, but you'll never be alone as long as I'm around….I'll be here to help however I can. Plus, it seems like Kathleen has been doing a really good job looking out for Eli."
"Hey," Elliot interrupted her thoughts calmly, resting his hand on hers, "I'm good….I just never looked at it that way before….but I'm fine." She gave his hand a little squeeze and truly had no idea what a simple touch from her did to him, what hold she had on him. "Plus, I have you," he added gently. "Maybe I'll get to meet Noah, soon?"
There was a couple seconds of silence, her mind processing things before she spoke up, changing the subject and pulling her hand out from under his, "God, Eli's grown up fast."
He already missed the contact with her, and a pang of guilt ran through his chest. He decided not to push the subject right now and followed where she was going, "I wish you two could have had a closer relationship….known him better before all of this." He heard her sigh and he looked over at her, the sadness was evident on her face, "I'm sorry for that. I know that's on me."
"It's never too late," Olivia said softly, trying her best to sound optimistic even though it had hurt.
She was there when Eli had come into the world and she had shared a special bond with him because of it. It was something that had changed her and Elliot's dynamic, added depth to it, an almost shared experience and trauma. He credited her with helping save his wife and son on that fateful day.
There was a lot of give and take with them, up and down with rekindling their relationship. It was par for the course, but if that's what they both wanted, they'd have to go through all of the emotions. Sooner or later.
"How are you doing with the trial coming up?" Olivia asked, breaking the silence and redirecting the conversation. Saving both of them for the time being.
"I'm just ready for it to start….until Wheatley goes to trial there's no closure," Elliot answered honestly, and he was ready. Ready for this to be over, to put everything behind him and really start to heal instead of delaying it any further. He was ready to see what his life held post Wheatley.
"Carisi said that Wheatley is out of postponements. The clock is ticking," Olivia added, unbuckling her belt and grabbing her purse and phone.
He knew their time today was coming to an end and it was bittersweet. "It could tick faster," Elliot responded with a heavy sigh, looking over at her and hoping she could read him.
"It will work out, El. One way or another," she said honestly, preparing herself to walk away from him. For however long it would be this time. She was hopeful though. Today had gone well and she felt parts of herself rebuilding, coming back together with him.
"I know it will….it always does," he agreed, feeling that pain in his chest already. The familiar ache he felt whenever she wasn't with him, the ache that had taken up residence in him for over a decade straight. He never really learned how to live without her. How to breathe without her. "Thank you again for coming, Liv. I appreciate it more than you know."
"You're welcome, El," she replied, reaching across the console to cup his cheek, brushing her thumb across the smooth skin of his jaw. Contact for them until this point was sacred, almost too much for each to handle but it was what they needed. It's what healed them, made things real. Grounded them in a sense when words couldn't be said.
"It's good to have Elliot Stabler back," she admitted with a smile, that beautiful smile that was so pure and genuine. The smile that made his world feel right, and made his chest feel lighter even in the worst of circumstances. She was breathing life back into him and she had no idea.
"It feels good to be back," he smiled as her hand fell from his face, "Do me a favor?" He asked and she nodded, "Text me when you get home?"
"Elliot," she chuckled but it was a warning too, "I managed to stay alive for ten years without you." Minus getting kidnapped, she thought and it sent a chill down her spine. She made a mental note to tell him about that on a day she felt safe with him again.
"Yeah," he shrugged and smiled but he wasn't giving up, "Humor me then?"
Olivia rolled her eyes with a huff but gave in and smiled, "Fine. I will text you when I get home."
"Great," Elliot grinned, his chest puffed up just a tiny bit. He had won. "Be safe, Liv."
"You're still as stubborn as ever," she chuckled as she hopped out of his car and shut the door behind her.
He heaved a sigh of relief as soon as the door had shut. Today had gone well, great actually and he had managed not to completely fuck it up. It was good reconnecting with Olivia, she was good for him. For his kids. He waited for her to pull out in her SUV and gave her a nod.
Watching her drive away from him was getting harder and harder.
Elliot started his drive home in silence, thinking about the day…about her. He knew he had loved her. He knew well before he had left her. That's why it was so hard, why this was always so hard. Making the final decision to leave her, the squad, everything he knew was the hardest thing he had done in his entire life. One of the hardest things he had ever been through. And now? He didn't even have the balls to tell her why he had left, let alone confess everything he had felt for her for almost twenty years.
Olivia was the only person who could completely shake him to his core, make him believe that soulmates existed, and that someone could really change the entire way you viewed the world. He couldn't remember a time before he had fallen for her, but he imagined it was somewhere around eighteen years ago. If he was honest though, his life had changed the moment she walked into the squadroom on her first day. She was a force; intelligent, compassionate, capable, and beautiful beyond belief. With his years away it looked like the only thing that truly changed was that she was wiser, a seasoned vet when it came to the 1-6, and if anything else, maybe a bit more guarded when it came to him. The only part of that he hated was that she was guarding herself, her heart, and her son….from him. It broke his heart in a way not even losing his wife had broken him.
He had loved Kathy, truly loved her. They had a young love that grew over the years. He loved her for giving him his incredible children, for the amazing mother she was to them, for truly stepping up and providing for them in a way he couldn't. She was their shoulder to lean on, the gentle parent they needed, she was always steady. Never ran too hot. She was calm, patient, and loving. He had spent the majority of his kids' lives working, providing an income, and on a deeper note, safety. He worked to keep the bad guys away, to chase demons while they slept and felt like every perp he took down was one less that could hurt them.
He had put Kathy through her fairshare of bullshit, his job, his relationship with Olivia, she didn't deserve half of what he had put her through but he had loved her then and he loved her now. He would be forever grateful to her and would love her as long as he walked this Earth, but it wasn't the same love he held for Olivia. It wasn't the all consuming, life altering love, but it was safe and they were happy and for a long time it had been enough. It was what he had needed for all of those years. But now? All he needed was Olivia. He needed her like his very existence depended on it.
Pulling up in front of his place Elliot made a quiet vow to himself. If it took him until his dying breath, he would break down all of the barriers between himself and Olivia. He would move heaven and earth to prove to her and show her how much he had loved her, had always been in love with her and that he wasn't going anywhere. He was here and he could never, would never, leave her again. He wouldn't survive it.
—
Olivia had made it home before Noah and took a moment to shoot Elliot a quick text to let him know she had made it home safely. Setting her phone down on the counter, she poured herself a glass of her favorite red and leaned against her kitchen counter, dropping her head down between her shoulders and rolling her head from side to side. She didn't even know where to begin.
There was so much to unpack, Thinking about the last few months, she still had a hard time with the fact that Elliot was back and in her life and that they were getting closer and closer as the days went by. What she was truly having a hard time with was trying to figure out if having him back was really good or bad for her. She was fighting with what her mind was telling her and what her heart was feeling. The battle between the two was almost too much some days.
She leaned back and took a generous sip of her wine. This would be hard to navigate with the most sane of people let alone it being her and Elliot. She chuckled at that, they truly had a way of making things more complicated than they needed to be. But truthfully? Olivia was scared. Scared of getting hurt again, scared that she couldn't trust him, scared she didn't know him the way she used to, and scared that this would end the same way it did a little over a decade ago.
Since he had been back in her life he had spent the majority of the time running, from her and from everything. On top of that, he had managed to completely tear her heart apart with the letter. It was one of the most nerve wracking nights of her life.
"I didn't write the letter," He slurred, his eyes going wide as the truth had fallen from his lips.
"What?" Olivia stammered, completely shocked and she's not even sure she's heard him correctly.
"I didn't write the letter," He repeated, a little more sure this time. Forceful.
"The letter that you gave me when you came back from Rome?" She's reeling, trying to catch up with him.
"Kathy…",
And suddenly it made so much sense. The letter that she had been rereading for months. The letter that she had committed to memory. The letter that had completely turned her world upside down wasn't even comprised of his own words. She felt confused and betrayed, hurt and violated, but there's a part of her that feels a little bit relieved…vindicated almost.
After going back and forth for a moment, there was one more bomb left for him to drop on her, the proverbial icing on the cake in his night of honesty:
"But in a parallel universe…" she had started, barely able to find her voice. Her heart was pounding a mile a minute.
"It will always be you and I," He cut her off, "I wrote that….I slipped it in there before sealing the envelope."
She was rendered speechless, not for the first time by him and certainly not the last. But she didn't even have a moment to recover before he was moving out of his chair, reaching for her.
"Liv," he murmured, moving towards her, falling onto his knees and before she knew it, she was catching him. She would always be there to catch him. He had just a moment of consciousness left and he was cupping her face in his hand, staring up at her completely helpless as he whispered, "I love you."
Olivia had collapsed against her sofa with Elliot in her arms.
That night had kept her up more times than she cared to admit, cared to even think about but it was always on her mind. Rolling her eyes she still didn't fully get the point of it. He had sent her mind into overdrive after that night.
Hadn't he done enough damage? Did he really have to give her the letter? Did he really agree with the parts that Kathy had written or was the only truth to it that it would always be them?
Olivia took another long drink from her glass. Did he even remember that night? Remember telling her he loved her again? She had so many questions for him, so many things she wanted to know but there had yet to be a good time for that. While Elliot had spent the last several months running, she hadn't really done any better. She had been keeping him at a distance, but ultimately she knew it was a battle she wouldn't win. Her heart had belonged to him for as long as she could remember.
She had almost crumbled earlier when he had asked about Noah, but she just wasn't ready yet. Wasn't ready for those two worlds to collide. She owed it to herself, and to her son to figure things out before she added her son's heart into the mix. It was one thing for Elliot to hurt her, but she would never give him the opportunity to hurt Noah.
Their love story was long and messy, so incredibly complicated and yet so simple. She wanted to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him how badly he had broken her but also how much she had loved him. How much her life revolved around him and that she could never fully put him behind her. And if she were honest? She didn't want to.
Yes she had loved in his absence, spent time with other men, even built a semblance of a life with Brian and then with Ed. But it wasn't the same. She could never really give herself fully to another man because she had already given so much of herself away to Elliot. He had stolen her heart without her even knowing it was happening. That was the sneaky thing about love, it came out of nowhere and when you least expected it.
Olivia tossed back what was left of her wine, put her empty wine glass in the sink and checked her phone. A text had popped up from Carisi that told her Wheatley's trial would start at the beginning of next week. She breathed a sigh of relief. It was a weight off of her chest and she knew that Eliot would feel the same. It was the day they had both been waiting for for so long.
Thinking about what was to come, she promised herself that no matter what came of the trial, no matter the verdict, once it was finished she would find a way to put all of her cards on the table. She would level the playing field between her and Elliot and finally tell him everything her heart had been wanting to say. Whether he was ready or not, she deserved to be able to spill out her truth and she deserved all of the answers she desperately needed from him.