WARNING! Chapter is not meant for sensitive readers.
So new chapter is finally last one was really emotional and this one will be too. It is about what happened immediatelly after miscarriege...Kuvira and Baatar are really sad and heartbroken. Kuvira still suffers with pains but refuses doctor's help. Idea of a new family was really important for Kuvira and now when the baby is gone...she is devastated... In the next chapters, we will move on in storyline.
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Zaofu, the Beifongs' Residence, the same day
It seemed like the time in Zaofu froze in one moment... The weather was grey and cloudy and no sunlight casted trough the clouds. The rain was heavy and the only dome which stayed open was the one above the Beifongs' Residence...
Sadness and shadows were everywhere...
When Baatar burried his and Kuvira's little child... he felt like never being happy again. Raindrops covered his tears as he was coming back from the gardens and his feelings were so confused and sad...
Baatar knew that he couldn't save the baby. It really was too late... but he also knew that Kuvira is in danger too. Right now he had to do everything to help her. To save her... She's been trough a lot... and her state was more serious than Baatar thought.
Before returning to his bedroom where Kuvira was sleeping, Baatar took all the medical books from his laboratory. He had to find a way how to help her. Or at least relieve her physical pain. Psychological pain will never disappear...
Baatar slowly walked inside of his bedroom and saw pale Kuvira sleeping while small tears still ran down her face. She was crying in her sleep and it was breaking Baatar's heart. Kuvira had to be so scared when she started bleeding. She didn't know what was going on with her body when the blood clotts started coming out...
He sighed with worries and quickly rushed to her side. The picture of her... tightly holding small bunch with their little child filled up his mind. He will never forgets how it looked like...
"Kuvira..." Baatar whispered sadly and took her cold hands to his and tried to warm them up. He always saw how strong she is. How she doesn't know fear... but right now, Kuvira's shell was destroyed. She was so slim and fragille... Baatar was sitting on the floor next to the bed and rested his forhead on Kuvira's side... "I wish I could do more for our little one... and for you..." tears were now on his face again. He knew Kuvira doesn't hear him but he had to say it. "I wish I could go to Laghima's Peak instead of you..." he added and was caressing her hand...He felt like he failed in everything.
Baatar sat on the floor for a few minutes and tried to fight his own thoughts. Later, when he checked Kuvira's pulse... he felt the wave of fear. It was so weak and slow... Kuvira lost so much blood this night... and after checking bedsheets, shivers ran through Baatar's body. Kuvira was still bleeding. Not that much like before but Baatar was really worried and desperate...
He sighed in sadness. Baatar knew Kuvira told him she doesn't want to see a doctor or go to the hospital but maybe, there won't be any other choice. He knew Kuvira could need blood transfusion. It would help her recover...
Baatar took a deep breath and hoped Kuvira's health condition will get better soon... If not... then he will have to break his promise and call the doctor. He couldn't loose them both today...
...
The sun was hidden behind the clouds all day and rain didn't seem to stop. It was such a strange atmosphere and Baatar begged spirits to help Kuvira...
When she was asleep, Baatar cleaned bathroom and bedroom. There was blood everywhere and Baatar didn't want Kuvira to see any of it. It would be too much for her...
Baatar himself got another anxiety attack when he had to clean all the blood clotts left in the shower corner. He thought it was all his fault... He was angry at himself because he got Kuvira pregnant and now she was suffering because of him. Baatar felt guilt... He loved the baby but still wished he had been more carefull that night when they slept together...
Baatar also felt anger towards everyone responsible for Zaheer's escape from prison... Kuvira and the baby had to pay for mistakes of all those people who made mistakes... Baatar was frowning when thinking about it.
When everything was clean, Baatar took on fresh clothes and sat on the bed next to Kuvira... He studied all the pages of his medical books about pregnancy and miscarriage...
His glasses didn't seem to be needed as Baatar couldn't see because of tears which were forming in his eyes. He took it off and massaged his face. The book said Kuvira had to suffer with intense cramps, chills and nausea. She didn't have a spontaneous miscarriage... it was caused by Kuvira's injuries and that's why it was so much more painfull for her... and baby had to suffer as well...
Baatar was heartbroken. He tried to understand what exactly happened and how he could help Kuvira... but right now, her body was apparently "cleaning out" as the book said... It can last weeks... The only thing Baatar could do was giving Kuvira medicine which will help her relieve the pain... and he did it...
Right now... Baatar was angry he studied only two semesters of medicine on Ba Sing Se University... He had to calm down because his hands were shaking when he was trying to give Kuvira an injection of sedatives to help her...
It was better for her to sleep trough all that terrible pain...
...
It was early evening when Kuvira started waking up. She was so exhausted and weak. She felt pain in her full body and she couldn't move properly... Breathing was challenging for her and she still hoped it was all just a nightmare...
But when she opened her eyes and saw sad Baatar with dark circles under his eyes... she knew she was in reality.
She was looking at him for a while. His eyes were red and he was holding big book in his hands. Kuvira tried to take his hand to hers but she didn't have enough strength...
"Baatar..." it was barely a whisper.
Baatar heard Kuvira's quiet voice and immediately put medical book away. He climbed closer to her and took her hand to his.
"Kuvira... I was so worried about you..." Baatar said sadly and Kuvira saw fear in his eyes. She was still in pain but Baatar's presence was helping her...
She looked him in the eyes and picked all her strength to put her pale hand on her belly... but felt emptiness. Everything was a sad truth... Kuvira felt that the baby is not inside of her anymore and is gone forever... Baatar knew what she's gonna say...
"Baatar... where is our baby..." Kuvira asked quietly and Baatar saw all the pain in her eyes. Baatar gave her a sad look and looked at their connected hands.
Baatar took a deep breath and looked back at her. He saw tears in her eyes forming again as she was waiting for his response.
"The baby is resting peacfully now... on...on a really nice place in the gardens... by our willow tree..." his voice cracked and Kuvira closed her eyes. Her breathing got faster. Her little baby was burried in cold dark ground... the baby was alone...
Kuvira wanted to start sobbing again but she tried to hold it inside of her. Baatar couldn't stand seeing her even more demaged than before...
She turned her head towards window and Baatar immediately knew why she did it. She was hiding her tears before him... Baatar caressed her hair and held her hand...
They weren't talking. They were just together...
Kuvira felt so many emotions and her body was in pain. She tightened her grip on Baatar's hand to remind herself that she's not alone on everything...
The bedroom was filled with quiet for a long time but then... Kuvira whispered... "baby boy or baby girl..."
Baatar looked down. He remembered the little baby which was a size of a plum and quietly said: "It... it was too early to say..."
Kuvira knew he would say that... She was only nine weeks far along... But it didn't make it less painfull...
"I am so sad you have to find out about the baby this way..." Kuvira sobbed.
"I am so sorry Kuvira..." Baatar said sadly and Kuvira looked at him. She saw guilt on his face...
"For what..." Kuvira whispered back and her dark green eyes were watching Baatar.
"That you have to suffer because of me... It's all my fault... If I even was more carefull that night...I was afraid... I nearly lost both of you today... " Baatar couldn't look into her eyes...
Kuvira now couldn't hold her tears. "It's not your fault Baatar...our baby wasn't a fault... There were two of us that night..." she was sobbing again.
After long time of crying, Kuvira gained strength to speak. "I...nearly did it myself... I nearly killed our baby..." she was now shaking and crying heavily. "I was so scared of everything...I was so scared of being a mom... but then I just couldn't do it... I couldn't harm our little one... I decided to keep the baby, Baatar... I was-...I thought I could finally have a family with you Baatar... I was... happy..." Baatar was now looking at her and imagined their little family. He imagined life they could have...
It was breaking Baatar's heart to see Kuvira so sad. Her body was still full of pregnancy hormones. Baatar couldn't take it anymore and hugged Kuvira tightly.
He helped her sit up and held her slim shaking body in his arms. Kuvira was crying and she hided her face in Baatar's t-shirt. "Now when I know our little, innocent, fragille baby had to suffer and was slowly dying in pains..." Kuvira couldn't breath. "it destroys me so much..." her voice was cracking.
Baatar's breathing was fast and when he closed his eyes, he saw that little fingers, arms and head... their lifeless baby covered with blood...
"Why did all of that happened to us..." Kuvira gasped and Baatar wasn't able to respond. This was not the spirit's will... There are people responsible for everything that happened...
Baatar held Kuvira in his arms and felt anger... Their little one who never harm anyone had to pay for mistakes which others have made...
The room was filled with sobbing and Baatar was giving Kuvira needed support... He tried to be strong for her, but deep inside he was broken like never before... Why it had to be them...
...
Kuvira and Baatar were mourning in each others arms for a long time. The time seemed to stop and darkness filled the bedroom...
Baatar felt worries when Kuvira started moaning in pain... Her sedatives had to stop working...
"Baatar... I am... I am still bleeding..." Kuvira whispered and sadly looked down. Baatar looked at her and remembered that the book said it can last weeks... she didn't need to say anything else...
"I will help to the bathroom." Baatar responded quietly and saw shame on Kuvira's face. Even when she almost bled out on the bathroom floor, she didn't want Baatar to see her like that... to see her weak and vulnerable...
Baatar wished Kuvira knew it was okay to let others help her... but he also knew Kuvira was hurt too many times... She was always hiding her fear and sadness deep inside... but pregnancy hormones made it difficult...
Kuvira groaned in pain when she tried to stand up. She was now sitting on the edge of the bed and her breathing was fast. When she saw towells soaked with blood on the bed under her...she wanted to start sobbing again but tried to hold it...
Baatar took Kuvira's hand and gave her support when she tried to stand up. It was really painfull for her. Kuvira's legs were shaking and her sleeping t-shirt had a blood stein on the bottom again. She sighed and closed her eyes.
Baatar wrapped his arms around her and felt how she's shaking. He saw that Kuvira has to be in pain...
"I will carry you there..." Baatar said and wanted to pick Kuvira but she stopped him.
"No... I can do it myself..." she said but Baatar knew it is her pride's words... on the other side her body was suffering...
Baatar sighed and nodded. He held her thightly and together they went to the bathroom. Kuvira was having her hand on her stomach and felt sharp pain with every step.
She felt blood running down her tighs and when they reached the bathroom, she grabbed doorframe with both her hands... She was taking deep breaths and was glad her long hair was hiding her tears now...
Baatar was gently caressing her back and watched how Kuvira is trying to stand on her own. It was destroying him to see her like that... "Kuvira... let me help you..." he whispered desperately...
Kuvira listened to his words and couldn't hold it anymore... She started sobbing... "My stomach hurts so much..." was a sentence she wanted to cry out loud but she couldn't... Instead she said: "No Baatar... I... I..." no words were coming out of her. She couldn't catch breath.
Baatar was worried. He couldn't stop himself and hugged Kuvira tightly. "Please Kuvira... is there anything I can do to help you..." he asked desperately.
Kuvira gasped and looked at blood on her legs... then she looked him in the eyes. "Baatar..." Kuvira sobbed. "There... there is...a small red bag in the cabinet under the basin in the bathroom of my apartment..." she said quietly and her body was still shaking... "Could you please bring it to me...I need it... " she added with pain in her voice.
"Of course I will..." Baatar replied but he didn't like the idea of leaving Kuvira alone.
Kuvira knew what Baatar is thinking about and had to assure him. "I will be okay Baatar..." she whispered and wanted to sound strong.
Baatar still didn't like the idea but he promised he would be back as fast as possible. "Kuvira... please... don't lock the door again..." he replied and helped Kuvira to the bathroom. She nodded and held his hand in hers. He kissed her temple and then quickly ran out of the bathroom heading straight to the Guards' Residence...
Kuvira closed the door and she couldn't hide her pain anymore. She held her stomach and her breathing was fast. She sat down on her heels and threw up again from pain... Kuvira couldn't even remember when she ate for the last time... She knew there's something wrong inside of her... Miscarriage was only one part of her suffering... Bruises on her leg and hip were even darker than before and her skin was burning on the place...
She knew she has inner injuries... but Kuvira closed her eyes and took a deep breath... "Nobody... can know..." she whispered and sat on the toilet. She groaned in pain when she passed two more blood clotts and tissue while shaking.
"I need to cope with it on my own..." Kuvira gasped and tears ran down her face. She covered her face with her hands and was sobbing. She felt sadness, fear and anger... The price she had to pay for helping the Avatar... was too high... She wished she had her little baby back...
Zaofu, the City Center
The dome above the City Center was closed and raindrops were falling on the top. Baatar quickly ran to the Guards' Residence and tried to avoid other citizens. It was already late afternoon and streets were almost empty. Baatar took on his long jacket and carried his bag with tools to not look suspicious.
Baatar was powered by anger and worries. Adrenalin was in his blood. He didn't want Kuvira to stay alone for much long...
After Baatar entered back entrance of the Guards' Residence, he quickly ran upstairs and still tried to be as quiet as possible. When he got close to Kuvira's apartment, he took his spare keys from his pocket. He took a deep breath and realized it's already four days since Kuvira left it...
He unlocked the door and came in. When Kuvira was there for the last time... She was happy and their unborn child was still safe and alive...
Baatar had sad expression on his face and he sighed. It was such a strange atmosphere...
On the kitchen table there was an empty teacup and close to it... there was almost full box with spearmint teabags... Baatar saw it and immediately thought about article in his medical book... article about morning sickness...
The wave of sadness ran through his body. Baatar took a deep breath and knew he has to continue. He had to get that red bag for Kuvira and quickly get back to her.
Baatar headed to her bedroom and saw her dark green dress on the bed. Kuvira had it on... that day in the gardens... when she wanted to tell him about their baby... Baatar remembered how she was standing under the willow tree and held a daisy in her hand... so beautiful as always... Baatar now felt tears in his eyes.
He looked at the bathroom door and slowly opened it. The bag is under the basin... Baatar opened it and his heart stopped when he saw what's inside of the cabinet...
Next to the red bag... there was a small empty pink box... It was from a pregnancy test... Baatar couldn't breath and he lost it. He started sobbing and took a small box to his hand...
"Oh Kuvira..." he sighed sadly and was now on his knees. Kuvira was hiding her pregnancy and was alone for everything. Baatar knew she had to be so scared when she found out and she carried this secret for... Baatar didn't even know for how long Kuvira knew that she's pregnant...
He felt so many emotions and was so angry at himself... How did he never noticed how pale and tired Kuvira was... How she had to spend hours in this bathroom all alone while suffering with morning sickness... How did she hide it at work...
Baatar should be there for her all the time... He took off his glasses and covered his face with his hands... How he could allow it that Kuvira had to face danger during fighting the Red Lotus. Twice...
"I should be there for you... I should be there for both of you..." Baatar sighed and the picture of his little son or daughter occured again in his mind... It was such a miracle... How Kuvira created someone so beautiful and precious...but sadly never get a chance to carry baby safely to term... their baby became a victim.
Baatar wiped his tears away and slowly stood up. He saw his reflection in the mirror... his eyes were red and he had dark circles under them.
The Avatar is now considered a hero and poor Kuvira... who almost bled out in the bathroom and lost little baby... is being forgotten... Noone cares about how she feels and it was making Baatar furious...
"I will never leave you Kuvira..." Baatar said and grabbed the red bag. Kuvira needed him now... Baatar closed the bathroom door and rushed back to the Beifongs' Residence... He had to be on her side...
Zaofu, the Beifongs' Residence
Kuvira was taking deep breaths and hoped her pain will fade away at least a bit... She felt so ashamed when she saw that dirty bedsheets and knew she has to do something with it before Baatar returns...
She slowly stood up from the toilet and carefully walked back to the bedroom. Kuvira felt pain but she knew she has to clean all of it...
Kuvira took the towells and bedsheets off. It was all soaked with blood... Tears were running down Kuvira's face again. She couldn't even control it...
She carried everything back to the bathroom and started washing it in the basin while quietly sobbing. Even standing was painfull for her... but the thought of washing off remains of tissue which used to protect her little one hurt much more than all the physical pain...
Kuvira looked into the mirror and almost couldn't recognize herself. She was so tired after everything and her body was never weaker before... Kuvira felt bad when she realized Baatar has to see her like that... after everything that happened... Kuvira felt her pride being destroyed...
After a few minutes, Baatar entered his bedroom and saw that the bedsheets are off... Kuvira still had to be in the bathroom. Baatar sighed and wished Kuvira felt more comfortable around him in this... He doesn't care about bedsheets, Kuvira's health was his priority...
Baatar knocked on the bathroom door and said: "Kuvira.. I am back... you don't have to do this..." he heard Kuvira sobbing inside.
"Yes I do..." she replied decisively and Baatar sighed. Kuvira wiped her tears and opened the door. She saw downhearted Baatar...
"Here is your red bag..." Baatar said and handed it to Kuvira. Her hands were so cold...
"Thank you Baatar..." Kuvira whispered.
"I also brought you some clothes..." Baatar added and handed Kuvira her nightgown and underwear. She took it and realized she only has her uniform here... Baatar thought about everything... "Do you want me to help you..." Baatar asked but Kuvira shaked her head without saying a word. She looked down on a blood stein on her sleepshirt.
"I need to do this alone..." it was barely a whisper. "You can't see me so weak again..." she added in her mind and Baatar nodded sadly. Kuvira closed the door again and Baatar closed his eyes. "I love you Kuvira..." he whispered and put his hand on the door.
Kuvira on the other side... was holding her bag close to her chest and heard Baatar's words... She quietly whispered in return: "I love you Baatar..."
...
It was almost two hours already and it was dark outside. Baatar changed the bedsheets again and he was sitting on the bed waiting for Kuvira who was still inside of the bathroom...
Baatar was worried but he wanted to give Kuvira some alone time. From time to time, he checked if she's alright and then gave her silence she needed.
Kuvira tried to pull herself together... She finished washing the bedsheets and then took off her sleeping shirt... It broke her heart when she saw herself in the mirror... her tiny baby bumb was gone...
She was crying in the bathtub for a long time and her arms were wrapped around her knees. Kuvira was thinking about her baby, about everything that happened and she realized she never said goodbye to her little one...
Kuvira couldn't leave it like that...
She took a deep breath and groaned in pain when she was standing up from the bathtub. Kuvira grabbed her red bag which she thought she wouldn't need in a really long time and opened it... She kept her period supplies here...
It took her half an hour to dress up and prepare for everything. She was so tired and every move cost her so much energy... Baatar was looking at the bathroom door and heard Kuvira moving inside...
After a while, he saw the door open and quickly stood up... Kuvira was wearing her khaki nightgown with long sleeves which Baatar brought to her and her hair was in a messy braid... She still looked like being in pain but Baatar was glad that at least she feels more comfortable around him now...
"Kuvira..." Baatar said quietly and went closer to her. They were now holding their hands but Kuvira still didn't look Baatar in the face...
Baatar gently caressed her back and after a while Kuvira whispered...
"Baatar... I... I need to say goodbye... I want to see the baby's grave..." Baatar wished he could never hear those words coming from Kuvira's mouth... The baby's grave...
He looked into Kuvira's sad dark green eyes and caressed her cheek. She didn't have to say anything else. Baatar kissed her forhead and then gave Kuvira his warm coat...
It was already dark and cold outside and Baatar with Kuvira had to secretly sneak around the guards.
They quietly walked downstairs hand in hand and Kuvira held her pain deep inside. Baatar was supporting her and they were having stops everytime when Kuvira needed it. Baatar offered Kuvira that he could carry her but she refused it...
It already stopped raining but it was very cold outside and the grass was wet. It was so quiet everywhere... Baatar guided Kuvira to the place where their child was resting and the closer they were getting... the worse they felt... Kuvira started shaking again and her breathing was fast...
When they got to the willow tree... Kuvira started crying again... She saw that the ground close to the roots was not settled yet. That was the place... Kuvira closed her eyes and remembered strong heartbeat which she felt... she remembered how the baby was happy and beautiful in her dream... and now... she was standing by the grave...
Kuvira started sobbing and covered her face with her arms. Baatar wrapped his arms around her and felt his own tears again. Kuvira didn't know what she did to deserve all of this. She was so broken...
Baatar was caressing her back and tried to give her at least a small comfort... but it wasn't very succesfull. While sobbing, he heard Kuvira whispering...
"I need to say goodbye... I need to tell the baby how much I loved the short time we had together..." big tear ran down her face when she finished the sentence... Baatar held her for a few more seconds and then let Kuvira go.
Kuvira turned around and looked at the small white stone on the ground... She slowly walked towards the grave barefoot and felt raindrops on the cold grass...
She took a deep breath and sat down on her heels... Kuvira didn't care that her clothes will get wet from the grass...
Baatar was standing behind Kuvira and put his hand on her shoulder to support her...It was so hard for them.
Kuvira put her shaking hands on the ground and tried to feel her baby with her seismic sense for the last time... "Mommy's here with you, my love..." she said in her mind and closed her tearful eyes...
Kuvira sat there in quiet and was talking to the baby in her mind... She was expressing love and sadness... Kuvira knew she will never get over everything that happened in last few days... over death of her little one... she... wasn't able to say goodbye... Kuvira wasn't able to accept it... Kuvira was sad that her and Baatar won't have a chance to be parents of their first child...
She felt like part of them died together with the baby...
"I wish I could go back in time... I wish I could protect our little one... I wish I 've never tried to save the Avatar..." Kuvira said as her tear fell down on the grave...
Kuvira regrets she helped the avatar...anger is growing inside of her and Baatar. They are mourning and it really changed both of them. Stay tuned for next chapters.
PS: I cried again while writing :(