Chapter 13

As they drive away from London towards Derbyshire, usually a three day trip, but Fitzwilliam has proposed to take four days to really enjoy their time together, Elizabeth finds herself a bit downhearted. She will never go back home, except as a guest, and every league they travel now takes her further away from her father and from Jane. For a moment her throat feels as if it is too narrow, and her eyes sting, but she is not going to break down crying for her old life.

She has married a man who loves her for her strength of mind, not for her dependent nature, it may upset his image of her to see her cry. During their engagement she felt so connected to him, but seeing his town-house and meeting his family and connections she has started to realise how much their circumstances differ, and how little they actually know one another.

It was easy to be madly in love with her handsome husband while living with her parents, in the house she grew up in, everything around her familiar, her future secured from want and having to live among people with inferior minds.

But now she feels totally at the mercy of the man she married, they are driving in his carriage, from his exquisite London home to his magnificent estate, Elizabeth of course knows the road, she has travelled it with her aunt and uncle after all and they checked their progress regularly with the help of a detailed road map. But Fitzwilliam arranged everything, he consulted her, but he did every practical thing himself, arranging the marriage, having the invitations sent, deciding what dinner was to be served, the inns where they will stay during the trip.

Will she ever be allowed to make a decision of her own?

Despite spending months thinking of the role she wanted Fitzwilliam to have in her life, having seen his estate, having gained quite a realistic insight in his character, finally deciding she did love him and wanted him part of her life, she really doesn't have a clue how he pictures her as his wife. Will he expect her to spend her days dressed up as a pretty ornament for his sitting-room? Will she have to visit poor families? Will he be out hunting all day, leaving her behind with his sister and a piece of needle-work? What will her life be like?

Even Elizabeth's strong, positive character has some difficulty with so much insecurity, and she suddenly remembers Charlotte's opinion, that one might as well get married without knowing the other party too well, since happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. That is not a comfortable thought at all, and she opposes it by thinking of last night, didn't she see a totally different Fitzwilliam then, who let her explore his body at her leisure, not taking control at all? And isn't he madly in love with her, just look at the adoring expression with which he watches her even now. He doesn't want to rule her, or he wouldn't have insisted on her not promising to obey him.

Darcy has been watching Elizabeth for some time, feasting his eyes on his beloved, and much of her feeling can be read from her face. She is not as deliriously happy as he is, she seems close to tears even, until she forcibly represses that, but her thoughts are clearly not very cheerful. Whatever can be the matter? She's exchanging insecurity for wealth, a tiny room in a country house for an entire estate, and her noisy family for a doting husband.

His wealth. His estate. And she loves her family.

A deep, sedate voice breaks the silence and says gently: 'You miss them already, don't you? Your family, your little room, your favourite walks?'

And sure enough, her expressive face shows her anxiety clearly now, and he gathers her to himself, sets her light shape on his lap, rests her head against his chest. 'Better let it out love, you'll feel much better after a good cry. There you go, I'm here with you, I love you so much, if you're sad I want to share it with you.'

His dearest Elizabeth feels free to cry a little, not too much, she's very strong and independent after all, but she holds him tightly and spills a few tears.

'I'm sorry I didn't realise earlier that you are leaving everything behind. To me it's as comfortable as always, only with my fondest wish fulfilled, I'm in heaven with you by my side.

But to you everything must be strange, and a little intimidating as well, a whole new life.'

That is not all, he can see there is more, but she dare not even mention it. How can that be? Elizabeth has never been daunted by anyone, not even his rather formidable aunt Catherine, how can she be afraid of someone now? Especially since that someone seems to be him.

'Please tell me, Elizabeth, it hurts to see you afraid of anything, this is me, your adoring slave.' He lays his head in her bosom to prove he is hers to command, and clearly, humour is the way to her heart, for she strokes his hair and confesses, carefully: 'I never realised how dependent I was going to be upon you, Fitzwilliam. We talked so much, and shared so much, but that was all in my father's house. Now I'm entirely at your mercy, I'll live in your house, the fortune is yours, everything is yours. Will there be anything for me? Some duty I can perform, something to make me myself? Or will I forever be an extension of you? What will my role be in your life? A beautifully dressed addition to your household, gathering more information and accomplishments until I can start carrying and raising your heirs?'

That is not it at all! Any gently bred maiden could do that, that is not why he fell hopelessly in love with Elizabeth! But how to tell her what she means to him, how to put into words what he hopes their life together will be like?

'Can I take some time to formulate my hopes and wishes for us? You're clearly upset, I don't want to make it worse by saying things that aren't perfectly phrased and impossible to explain in more ways than the one I mean.

Will you spoil me a little while I think? I'm getting a bit upset myself, I thought we had a perfect understanding, but I so understand your fears.'

As Elizabeth clings to his neck and strokes his hair and his clean-shaven cheeks, giving him little kisses on his bare skin wherever she can reach it, Darcy tries to gather his thoughts whilst being constantly distracted by some shiver of desire at her touch. Still he manages, and he observes: 'Please allow me some more time if you want me to become specific, but generally I thought we'd be together all the time, I'd love to share my duties with you as much as possible, and if you want we can find some duties for you, too. Of course I'll want to hunt, and if we cannot find a way to do that together, I'll leave you alone sometimes. But you'll want to take solitary walks, won't you? Then you will leave me. I'm sure we'll find a way to make it work.

And if we are to be blessed with children, I'm afraid I cannot take the burden of carrying and bearing them from you, but rest assured I will do my share in raising them. I love children, I've waited so long to find a woman I'd dare to have them with, I promise I will be the best father they can wish for, I'll spoil them rotten.'

On impulse, he lifts Elizabeth from his lap and puts her on the bench of the carriage, then kneels at her feet, head in her lap and begs her: 'And will you please, please talk to me when anything bothers you? If I fell in love with you for your frankness and yes, for your impertinence, how could I ever mind hearing what you feel or think?

I've ached for you for so long, love, do you think I'd just forget about that now we're married, and turn into some kind of tyrant? I'm yours to command, forever.'

As he looks up at Elizabeth he can see her relief, she was worried, and this will not be the last time, she will be sad over her family again, and she will doubt him again, she is dependent on him for material things, but he is dependent on her for his happiness, and they will find the perfect way to live together.

She bends over and kisses him with passion, does it excite her to have him at her feet? It is quite a good place to be, he can feel a bare ankle where her dress has fallen away, can he just follow that leg upward and get under her dress? That would be very indecent, but who would see it?

Then he realises he's not just sitting at her feet, he's actually right between her legs, a dress covers that up neatly but of course she feels him sitting there, remembering last night, and this morning. Laying his hand on her ankle, and slowly moving it upward, he watches her face to see what she thinks of him taking liberties.

Elizabeth can feel Fitzwilliam's mood turn from kind concern to anticipation. He strokes her bare ankle, and doesn't stop there, just as she hopes. Pretty soon he disappears under her dress, stroking her inner thighs, kissing her bare skin and tickling her through one of the leg openings of her underwear.

Since she is not ticklish at all, his touch is very exciting instead, and she wishes she had him within reach, to do her own share of the touching. Now he is trying to pull her underwear down, and she sits up for a moment to help him. Soon it's gone, and she feels two gentle hands spreading her legs, tantalizing, what will he do next?

He goes straight for the fleshy bit, takes a firm hold of it and now his tongue is giving her those little shocks again. There must be something similar she can do for him, didn't he say that yesterday? This is not the place, she knows no-one can see them in here, but it would be very inconvenient with the benches. Oh, that's as good as it was before, apparently one can do this all day long and not get bored.

All too soon, the little shocks cause her head to spin, and she cannot keep herself from moaning. The feeling keeps rising, until she has that release again, and she knows what she wants next, but it is not going to be easy on a carriage seat. But of course her beloved is in the throes of his own desires by now, and he finds a way, hitching up her dress a little bit, unbuttoning his trousers.

First she sees his handsome face right before her, smiling cheekily at his own audacity, then she gets a very heated kiss, and with only a little fumbling under her skirt she can feel herself filled up, ecstasy taking hold of her again. Through a haze of delight she can see her husband totally lose himself in lust, he is really letting go, so good for him. Neither of them lasts very long, it is all so new to them, and they are both so easily excited.

Still giggly and feeling very naughty they put their clothes back to how they were, and sit together in a very tight embrace. They kiss a lot, Elizabeth is still pretty excited, and that seems to amuse Fitzwilliam to no end. She hasn't touched him at all, and needs to catch up, so she shoves a hand up his shirt and fondles his stomach and his chest, playing with the little hairs, relishing the soft muscle under his arm. Her fears are forgotten for now, she is back to being very much in love, and very eager to touch and be touched. Physical contact is such a blessing, how did they do without before? How did Fitzwilliam do without so many more years than herself? He must have been so lonely, with no-one to be really intimate with, not even to have a good talk.

Remembering his demeanour just before he left the parsonage in Hunsford, Elizabeth can imagine how he must have felt that night, and many nights after. Elizabeth had Jane to talk to, but he had no-one that close to him.

Feeling his beloved's grip tighten, he looks at her with a question in his eye, and she answers his unspoken question: 'I am so amazed how good it feels just to touch someone with love. To just sit like this, holding a living, breathing human being close. How did you stand doing without it for so many years? How miserable you must have been that night...you know.'

He knows, and he observes: 'I have been quite alone for years. My father encouraged me to seek comfort where he did after mother passed away, with some ladies in town. But I was too proud to take it, also, I don't think I felt the need as badly as others would have.

I'm convinced I didn't really crave love until I started to yearn for you, and I didn't feel true loneliness until after you rejected me. But Elizabeth, beloved, I needed that rejection, I needed to really suffer the loneliness to learn to appreciate what love has to offer. My misery made me a better man, finally worthy of your esteem. I'm not sorry I suffered, it makes me fully appreciate what I have. I love you so much, just sitting here with you makes me so intensely happy.'

Elizabeth is almost ashamed of her doubts, he loves her so much, he would never neglect her or ignore her wishes. But she also allows herself to be human, she will miss her father and Jane again, and she will feel her dependence again.

They sit together, perfectly happy, until the carriage halts to give the horses their first rest.

'I've picked this place because it is one of the prettiest villages I know. Will you join me in a ramble, not solitary but hopefully in the best company you can imagine?'

'I will,' is her answer, 'am I decent?'

Darcy brushes back her hair a little with his hand, and he straightens her skirts. Then he puts his shirt back into his trousers, glad he has listened to Elizabeth and chosen hunting gear to travel in. Their little escapade just now would otherwise not have been possible.

Elizabeth straightens his collar and his coat, then puts on her own coat, and they get out of the carriage, where Darcy tells Bob, the driver, they will stretch their legs a bit, and to have a cup of coffee and a late lunch on his master's account while the horses eat their ration and rest.

Then he leads his beloved through the tiny village, the cottages well-kept, the gardens bare of flowers in this late fall, the cattle inside, but still it looks very pretty, with the natural stone houses and walls, the painted shutters, and the cosy square with ages old linden trees, now bare of leaves of course but still impressive.

Soon they are back on the road for another few hours, and just before dark they halt in a larger village, where they will spend the night in an ancient inn, a low building of darkened oak, where the village people gather in the tap-room to exchange gossip and to hear the weather-forecast for the next day from the local soothsayer, in exchange for a pint of course.

They have a private room to dine in, and since they arrived in a rather modest carriage and are dressed rather informally, they are treated like any other affluent customer, making Elizabeth a lot more comfortable than a grand inn with preferential treatment would have made her feel.

Of course they retreat to their room soon after dinner, then decide to try to get a bath. The inn does have a bathhouse, but it's communal, and therefore they are forced to bathe separately. Still they feel much refreshed after half an hour, and since they are not yet tired they decide to take a little walk through the village in the dark. Since the streets aren't lighted and the streets are therefore pitch-dark and unfamiliar, the walk turns out to be really short, and Elizabeth convinces Darcy to take a drink in the tap-room, which he would never have done on his own or with his sister.

There is a roaring fire, and a lot of conversation going on, and their host is very friendly. Soon, someone starts singing, and the whole room joins in. It is very amusing, but after one glass of barely acceptable wine the heat and the long journey start to make themselves felt and they retreat to their bedroom.

They are again amazed to find themselves totally on their own, with no-one to look at them disapprovingly as they undress and start to touch even before they are through.

This time, they have just crawled under the cold blankets when Elizabeth decides it is her turn to try something. She remembers Fitzwilliam mentioning she could do something with her mouth with him as well, and she is ready to try.

Her beloved smells of soap instead of himself, he has been very thorough in the bathhouse, and he freezes in anticipation when she moves towards his lower half and takes a firm hold of his manhood. She moves it up and down a few times, and gets an immediate reaction, as a shudder runs through his body and he grips her upper leg in ardour.

Then she takes a careful lick at the smooth tip, and it feels as smooth on her tongue as it looks. The shudder is accompanied by a moan this time. It's kind of fun, and she licks it a few times more, then takes it in her mouth altogether. Her leg is squeezed firmly, there is no doubt this feels very good to her beloved.

Fitzwilliam's reactions indicate that he really likes it, and if it causes him to grab her and take her there is no problem at all, it won't hurt her anymore if he loses control, so she really puts some effort in it. He starts to move along a little, he seems to have a real need to do that, and his sounds indicate an excitement rising fast.

And sure enough, shortly afterwards he spasms intensely, and something salty and hot-tasting sticks to her tongue. It is not very nice, the taste is very intense, and Elizabeth quickly jumps out of the bed and rinses her mouth at the washstand.

Her reaction causes her beloved to ask, mildly worried: 'Is something wrong? That was fabulous, I hope it didn't hurt or anything?'

'Something tasting hot came out, a really weird taste, not nice. I had to rinse my mouth, but it's still there. What is it?'

'Oh, I'm very sorry, I didn't know it tasted awful. Actually, I didn't know anything there for a few minutes, I suppose that is why it's very sinful. Did you realise that stuff is what makes children?' He waits a few moments to let it sink in.

'You've seen it before then?' Elizabeth asks, a bit stupidly, and still a bit bothered by the sticky taste in her mouth, salty, hot, weird. Not something to repeat.

'Countless times, love, when a man has not been with a woman at twenty-eight years, he gains a lot of experience with his own body. Those needs cannot be denied. I've spilled a lot of seed, that's very sinful too.

I cannot stop it from coming, but I more or less know when it will happen, you will not have to endure the taste again.'

'You mean to say that each time we make love, that ends up inside me? And that will make me get with child?'

'Yes, that is more or less how it works. Though it cannot give a child each time, for my parents had just one child between Georgiana and me, and we're twelve years apart. The poor baby didn't survive, my mother was much like my cousin Anne, not very strong. Which is why aunt Catherine's disappointed hope of me marrying Anne had nothing to do with you, I wouldn't have considered it, even if Anne had more character than a glass of tepid milk. Marriage between cousins weakens the blood, there has been too much of that going on in our family.'

The very idea of marrying his cousin is clearly offensive to him. Then his expression changes back to gentle concern: 'Does the idea of getting with child bother you? It will happen, if I am indeed able to sire children, but if I spill my seed outside your body it may take a little longer.'

'I suppose that is the worst sin of all?' Elizabeth cannot help but ask, laughing. He nods very seriously, causing her to laugh even harder, but she replies as seriously: 'It does bother me, yes, of course I knew that children somehow were the result of doing this, I just didn't know how, exactly. Do you have books on that in your library? I need to know.'

Then a terrible realisation: 'Charlotte...my cousin.' He nods again, this time unable to keep from laughing himself. 'She told me that men are totally different in bed, but I didn't catch on until just now... what did she mean? Didn't he excuse himself afterwards?'

That's it, now she's done it, her deadly serious face as she says that has him double up with laughter, not just a fond smile or a short chuckle, no, a full-blown, stomach hurting, tear jerking fit of howling laughter. Darcy cannot remember ever losing himself in pure merriment, but it feels fabulous, and dearest, sweetest Elizabeth, the smartest girl in all of England, gave that to him. The very image of Mr Collins jumping poor Charlotte is enough to set him off again, and Elizabeth joins him, she must see that exact image before her mind's eye, too.

'You're priceless,' he manages to bring out, 'I love you so much.'

They hug and kiss, and as her face turns serious again Darcy fears she really objects to getting with child any time soon, or maybe at all. But she observes: 'My sister, Fitzwilliam, Lydia. I'm pretty sure they make love all the time, and she will find herself with child. How will she ever take care of a child when she cannot even take care of herself?'

His mirth is gone instantly, though the memory remains, and frankly, he is happy that Elizabeth's look didn't concern themselves. Remembering when he found Wickham and Lydia in London, still unmarried, he knows Elizabeth is right, there will be children. He suggests: 'We'll do what your father must have done: hire a really good nurse.' That instantly calms her down, of course her mother was just as flighty in her youth, Mr Bennet must have hired someone to keep the young mother and her child out of trouble. Some things can be solved with money, and this is one of them. But Darcy really wants to know what Elizabeth thinks of getting a child of their own.

'Have you thought of us having a baby already? What do you want, Fitzwilliam? Are you looking forward to having children? Will your family be pressuring you for an heir?'

That's fair, having him answer the question first. 'I certainly want children, but I can wait at least a year, maybe two. I want to enjoy our time together first, just the two of us. But if it happens earlier, I will only mind if you do. And I will be there for you, really. I will not let anyone try to lock you inside the house with stupid superstitions as they did my mother, and I will wait on you hand and foot when you are tired or emotional. Remember, I was nearly twelve when my mother was growing and growing with Georgiana, and I only saw her in the holidays. My father was the best man alive, but he may have left my mother alone a little too often during that time. The servants bossed her almost to death and she was very unhappy for being left alone.'

That is clearly a memory that made an impression on her husband, but he nonetheless continues: 'The family I have left will only benefit if I never produce an heir. So no rush, but if it happens, I will support you.'

Elizabeth nods, and confirms: 'That is about how I feel, I'd rather wait a year or two, but if it happens and you support me, I'll be fine with it. I'm still a bit afraid of your family, after what happened with your aunt. They cannot be happy with me, and I've always been my father's darling, so I'm not used to being unwanted.'

Darcy replies decidedly: 'No-one wants you as much as I, not even your father. And cousin Fitzwilliam was very clear on that: he said if he had the fortune, he'd have married you, and not given a damn about what his family thought. I now support that statement wholeheartedly. If they don't approve of my choice, that is their problem, I fall a little more in love with you every day.'

What he says softens Elizabeth up considerably: 'Did Colonel Fitzwilliam say that? I really did like him, better than I liked you at that time. But I'm glad I didn't marry him, I think the two of us are better suited to each other, and you are so incredibly handsome.'

She kisses him, then snuggles against him, and says: 'I'm so glad you love me so much and express your love so eloquently and so often. It kind of makes up for leaving home, and Jane. We used to talk all night, sometimes.

Suppose I would have had to marry a Mr Collins, to secure an establishment like Charlotte did, and leave Jane for someone I didn't love or even esteem. I couldn't have, I would have become a governess first.'

'You're smart enough to be a governess, but I would have hated to see you humbled that way.' Darcy says that in a light tone, but the very idea of Elizabeth in a subservient position makes him quail inside. That must never happen, she is not meant to bow down to anyone. Not even if he dies without heir. As soon as they reach Pemberley he will make sure of that.

This time, it is Elizabeth who almost falls asleep in his arms, and he strokes her hair and kisses her softly to help her find sleep. Tomorrow will be another tiring day on the road, but they will be together, without other people. Darcy seriously thinks that there cannot be a happier man in the whole country than himself, to have won this marvellous woman and have her love him.

And with that thought he watches her sleep by the light of a cold fall moon. But all too soon he finds his eyelids grow heavy too, and he drifts off to sleep in the arms of the woman he loves to distraction.