Chapter 14

The next days of travel are both tiring and exhilarating. So much time to spend together, so much to see and talk about. Of course they get very accomplished at loving on the narrow seats of a carriage, and whenever they stop for lunch they smooth over their clothes and play the newly married couple to perfection, holding hands and nothing more in public.

Travelling with Fitzwilliam is as much fun as with her aunt and uncle Gardiner, he knows so many interesting facts about the country they drive through, and he is so well-read, there is always something to talk about. When Elizabeth suffers from the realisation she will never go home again, or when she fears not to be accepted by the staff for being an upstart, Fitzwilliam always notices, and he holds her or talks to her until she either believes him or doesn't care anymore since his love will make everything good.

Time flies, and before she knows it, Elizabeth is driving through Pemberley woods once again, in a carriage she chose herself for its quiet perfection, the owner of every bit of land and most houses for miles around no longer a rich, vain man she rejected and wronged, but her beloved husband. It is a weird sensation, this very place is where her feelings for Fitzwilliam changed radically, where she finally realised he had good qualities, was a human being and treated others as such.

This is where she will have to find a place among the long time inhabitants, the staff who don't know who is good enough to marry their adored master. Will they give her a chance to fit in?

As they drive up the last hill before they will see the house, Elizabeth is as nervous as the first time but for a totally different reason. Then, she was afraid to meet its owner and be embarrassed. Now, she is its mistress, and afraid to find herself unable to live up to that lofty status.

Darcy can feel her tension, and he takes her in a firm hold and says: 'I will not tell you they're just servants and will think of you as I please, for I know that is not true. Suppose I had brought Miss Bingley here, who treats your aunt and Mrs Annesley as if they are air, let alone the servants, then they would have let her know what they thought of her. But you are very likeable, and you show an interest in people, you care about them.

And I love you, so very much, they will see that immediately, and even if they do not yet know you well enough to love you for you, they will love you for me. Poor thing, you didn't even blink at meeting my family and lofty connections, why be nervous now?'

'I was nervous,' Elizabeth answers, 'it just wasn't obvious because of all the flowers and the diamonds and everything. And you weren't sitting against me so you couldn't feel my tension. And somehow, rich people who live days away don't matter as much to me as real people I will see every day, who will know everything about me, every tiny detail, when I laugh, when I cry, when we make love, when we argue. They will always be there, and talk about it.'

'I absolutely refuse to argue with you, so no danger there. And when your maid gossips about us, she will swoon in the hope to find someone who loves her as much as I love her mistress.'

'You will not force me to have a maid, will you?' Elizabeth is seriously put out by his joking.

'What is it with you girls? Georgiana doesn't want one either, says they gossip too much and watch everything she does. I suppose you want me to let go of my valet as well?' As Elizabeth stares at him, is he serious or is he pulling her leg again?, he laughs merrily and says: 'Valets watch and gossip about their charges too, you know. If I want to lie at your feet and lick your toes, I don't want the whole house to know about it straight away.

And I had really hoped to get you to ride, can't have a maid or a valet see that. Cooks and gardeners and housekeepers don't babble.

Though I actually really like my valet, I'd be very sorry to dismiss him, he'd be hired by another gentleman within the day so no chance to beg him to come back if I were to regret my decision.'

'Don't do it then, Fitzwilliam,' Elizabeth pleads, 'I wouldn't want you to lose out on a servant you like for me.'

By now they've reached the house, and Peter the stable-boy is waiting to assist the tired driver with the horses and the carriage. As Darcy hands his beloved out of the carriage, he wonders if he should tell her that the entire staff will be gathered outside the front door of the house to greet her. She might bolt.

As soon as they are well and truly out, the carriage is led away, the luggage will be taken into the house later.

Walking around the stables to the front door, they are both assailed by memories of the last time they were here together. Darcy feels Elizabeth reaching for his hand, this affects her nearly as much as it does him, of course it is her first time here since that moment of recognition, as she turned around to look back at the house and saw him. Since then, Darcy has walked this path dozens of times, and each time the memory of his first view of Elizabeth since that horrible scene at the parsonage moves him strongly.

Taking a firm hold of her hand, for both their comfort, he can see everyone gathered already, there must be a good fifteen people, men and women of all ages. The cook and his helpers, Mrs Reynolds and the household maids and cleaning help, the gardeners and even the stable staff, excepting Peter and the driver of course. As the master and his wife come closer, they all form a formal line, ready for the introductions. His steward, Nathan, is there, too, so good of him to take the time.

Though Elizabeth does squeeze Darcy's hand when she sees the people gathered to meet them, she does not show any sign of stress, and greets his staff as politely and pleasantly as she did his family and friends at the wedding.

She wants to know everyone's first name, and what their duties are, which takes a long time, but does mean she will be done with the introductions after this. Darcy can see she makes a favourable first impression, how could it be different? His Elizabeth is just perfect.

After nearly an hour everyone returns to their duties, only Mrs Reynolds and the steward are left, and since a light drizzle has started to fall they walk into the house, where Mrs Reynolds says: 'Welcome to Pemberley, Mrs Darcy, I'm certain you will love seeing the parts of the house that are admissible only to the family. We'll have plenty of time to talk later, you must be tired with the journey, and spending so much time on the staff will be very much appreciated. Would you prefer to have coffee or tea and a snack first, or would you rather freshen up a little and wait for dinner?'

Darcy leaves it up to Elizabeth, she is the mistress of the house now, and she talked of duties, so he'd better let her take charge straight away.

'Thank you so much Mrs Reynolds, I think I would prefer to freshen up first, we had a good lunch on the road, unless you're very hungry Fitzwilliam?'

Good, she makes firm decisions, Mrs Reynolds will like that. 'I'm good, as long as I may feast my eyes on you. Let me introduce you to Mr Nathan Brewer quickly, and then I'll show you our private quarters.'

Elizabeth seems to take to Nathan straight away, he is a very likeable man, a bit over thirty and very well-mannered. Handsome too, fortunately he is married and has two lovely children. Nathan soon says: 'I will not detain you any longer. It will be my pleasure, Mrs Darcy, to tell you all about the estate so you have an idea of what is going on here. But not these two weeks, for this will be your honeymoon and there will be no talk of business. I bid you a good day, you too, Darcy.'

'One moment, please, Nathan,' Darcy suddenly remembers, 'I need to see you for half an hour, will tomorrow just after lunch suit you? It's not business, it's personal,' he tells Elizabeth.

She doesn't seem to mind, and Nathan agrees, and with that, Darcy takes his wife's arm and leads her up a the grand stairs to his private quarters, very comfortable and hopefully to her taste. They may be a bit masculine in their décor, but that can always be adapted.

'Do you want to use the washstand, or do you want a bath? We have one that will fit us both, but it takes a while to fill.'

'I'll settle for a quick wash, love,' she replies, 'if we bathe I'm sure we'll get all distracted again and I want to explore while it is still light outside. Let's keep the bath for tonight, and be distracted as much as we like.'

Elizabeth looks around the room with approval, the bed is large, made of oak stained in a dark colour, but not massive, it has a certain elegance despite being of solid wood. There is a large wardrobe of the same wood, a simple design but again, quite elegant. The bedding is a pristine white, and looks very luxurious, very comfortable. Better move on quickly, or they'll be in that bed in seconds, distracted again.

The curtains are heavy velvet in a beautiful dark blue, matching the colour of one wall. There are no ornaments, just a few books and a candle, and of course a pitcher and bowl on their own stand. A very large mirror adorns an otherwise empty wall, is Fitzwilliam vain after all? Why else would he have such a large mirror?

'Don't look at me like that,' he has read her thoughts, he must have, 'I like to look nice, you know that by now, suffering heatstroke and chills to wear the latest fashion in coats. But I'm not that vain, I had that brought here for you, Mrs Reynolds said ladies like to have a really large mirror, and she knew where to find one in the chambers that belonged to my grandmother. I think it fits the room admirably, don't you?'

It is a beautiful mirror, it must have cost a fortune once, and strangely enough it is not at all outdated in style. 'It is beautiful, and it fits the room so well, I indeed thought it was yours, and wondered if you were vain. Thank you for being thoughtful, Fitzwilliam, I really appreciate it.'

And she kisses him on the mouth, but softly, anything can set one of them off now, and then they'll never get to the park today. But is it really that important to start exploring today? Can't they just spend time on each other whenever it suits them, and explore tomorrow? There will be plenty of opportunity.

But Fitzwilliam is showing admirable control, he accepts the kiss as it is offered, and just holds her for a few minutes. 'I'm nearly overcome with feeling, Elizabeth,' he breathes, his voice rough, 'here you are, in my bedroom, married to me, I had totally given up on that ever happening. I spent a whole month at Pemberley, alone, I couldn't face anyone with my grief, this room has seen me in the depths of despair. Mrs Reynolds started to worry that I was sick, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't hunt. Everyone was so nice to me, but still I felt miserable.

And now you're here with me, in this very room, I'm so happy I may burst.'

Such love in one human being, and all of it for her. It's almost too much for Elizabeth, he told her he had been lovesick, but not how bad it had been. A whole month by himself, agonising over her? She had never been nice to him, had always tried to get the better of him, how could she ever have deserved such absolute devotion?

Does she deserve it now? She's just a twenty-year old woman with little experience in the world and plenty of shortcomings. It is gratifying to be sure, to be able to make someone so incredibly happy just by loving him and being with him. But isn't it tempting fate, isn't it hubris, to have one's mind set so much on a fallible fellow human? Will he not be certain to be disappointed as he finds more and more signs of imperfection in the woman he worships?

No, he knows whom he fell in love with, he knows her defects and he seems to love her for them as much as for her talents. Something like pride bubbles up in Elizabeth's mind, to have the love of such a man, so universally admired and respected, all to herself. It cannot but please her, and make her eager to return it, it is so easy to love Fitzwilliam, he is such an admirable man, and so handsome and yes, very sweet and loving as well.

'A penny for your thoughts, love?' The way he looks at her now is enough to make her heart skip a beat, such intense love, such devotion. But she has promised him to always say what is on her mind, and she will: 'Will I be able to live up to your image of me? I'm afraid you love me too much and will be disappointed. I'm not some kind of goddess, I'm just a twenty year old woman with a few very irritating character flaws.'

The look of devotion makes way for a really big grin: 'How can you ever disappoint me when you keep saying things like that, things that make me love you even more? You're beautiful, you're smart, and you're delicious, and your so-called flaws are the spicy core of your being. Without them you would be bland, tasteless.

Shouldn't I be the one doubting? You didn't like me before, why should you love me now? Maybe you just married me because you felt guilty for being unfairly prejudiced against me. Maybe you didn't want to hurt me again, maybe what you feel for me is pity, not love.

There is so much I could doubt, but I will not. I will love you to distraction and I will enjoy it. We're married and I can kiss you, and hold you, and talk with you, whenever I want.'

He certainly has a point there, if he doesn't doubt, why should she? They hold each other a little longer, then wash their faces and hands and go outside as long as the light lasts. Darcy shows Elizabeth his favourite spots near the house, a view across the stream in front of the house, the fruit- and vegetable garden, which in winter is merely a lovely plot with a high wall around it, a little Greek-style folly on the opposite side of the house, very secluded and a place that begs for some expert kissing and fondling. Tomorrow they will go further afield, but it is already starting to get dark, and they go back to the house, but through the stables.

Here they meet Peter, and Elizabeth is greeted enthusiastically by the stable boy with the sunny disposition. 'The new Mrs Darcy, I saw you get out of the carriage of course, but I had the team to take care of. So pleased to meet you, I can see the master is very happy to have you home with him.'

He bows as he speaks and is so ingratiating, that Elizabeth feels right at home, and she replies to his greeting with the same friendliness and enthusiasm.

Encouraged by her familiarity, Peter asks: 'May I take the liberty to ask whether you are a rider, Mrs Darcy?'

'You certainly may, but I'm afraid I have to admit that though I can ride, I do not really like to practise my skills. I find horses intimidating, they're so big and strong.'

Darcy adds: 'I would like her to try one of our good-tempered beasts, but I don't think we have a sidesaddle, nor has any of ours been trained to bear one, am I right?'

'I'm sorry Mrs Darcy,' Peter admits, 'I totally forgot ladies generally ride sidesaddle. That would be rather scary, I wouldn't like to do it. My misses is a farm girl, you see, and her father breeds hunters. She never uses a sidesaddle, that would be madly dangerous, those hunters are as fast as Mr Darcy's and as spirited. She always rides astride, with a special skirt split in the middle, like very loose trousers, she makes those herself.

Of course with the little one coming she daren't ride at all anymore, she's afraid to fall off and hurt the little mite. But she'll be back on a horse as soon as the little critter is born, I'm sure.'

Peter has less awe for his master's wife than he expected to, she is so nice to him and not stuck-up at all and he chats freely until he remembers the master asked him a question: 'I'm sorry Mr Darcy, sir, I forgot to answer your question, my misses always makes me talkative. We don't have a sidesaddle with the ones we use right now, but there is a right load of old saddles in the attic of the large barn. I could go there and check if you like, there are some huge spiders there that give me the creeps, but somehow I like scaring myself with them.

And I do think Daisy, the sorrel mare, has been trained sidesaddle, though we've never used her that way. You might ask master Hugo, he would know of course, he bought her when you thought you might want a placid horse for long distances, except you hardly use her, I know master Hugo means to ask you whether you want to keep her, but not now, after your honeymoon.'

It is such fun to listen to Peter talking, he has such a zest for life. Elizabeth clearly feels the same, she stands there listening to him talk and smiles. 'Do you have time to show us around?' she asks.

'I do indeed have half an hour to spare, of course after that there is the feeding to do, but master Hugo will not fault me for taking half an hour to show the new mistress around. We all want you to feel at home here, especially since you can see us. Some ladies don't, you see, Mrs Darcy. Begging your pardon, Mr Darcy, not to insult your friends or anything, and Miss Georgiana is always very friendly.'

'We all like to be treated as human beings, Peter,' Darcy says soothingly, the young man is clearly not used to talking with the people he serves, but he will get used to that with Elizabeth around.

The stables are large, well-kept, and very cosy, Elizabeth almost wishes she liked horses, just to be there more often. But Peter's talk of split skirts and farmers' daughters was very diverting, and it is clear he loves his misses very much. Apparently some other men adore their wives as well, maybe Fitzwilliam is not that unique.

After their tour it is fully dark, and they go inside to wash their hands once again, it's time for dinner and Elizabeth has petted several horses, among which poor Daisy who may be sold soon, a solid sorrel mare with a friendly face.

The dining room is another of those she hasn't seen before, and it is more grand than any room she has seen in the house so far. Wine-red walls, paintings everywhere, expensive, almost gaudy furniture and silk carpets on the floor. The China in the elegant cupboards and on the table looks priceless. Starting to feel very small once again, Elizabeth feels a hand on her shoulder as Fitzwilliam says airily: 'This room needs redecorating, it's ages out of style, but there is so much family-history attached to it I haven't dared tackle it so far. Once you've settled in we may try together. There are plenty of empty rooms to store the riches in, the heirlooms that we dare not sell.'

He doesn't even care about that room! In a flash of insight she observes: 'So that is why it's not included in the tour, you're ashamed of the opulence!'

He nods and adds: 'And of course of someone damaging a priceless hideous family-piece, but mainly because I think it's in very bad taste. I don't want people to think I'm a show-off. I prefer to be judged on my kindness as a brother, and my taste in landscaping.'

He says that with self-deprecation, it must be weird to let complete strangers in one's house, to unavoidably discuss one's taste in furniture and one's life. This room would indeed not form a faithful image of Fitzwilliam Darcy, nor of herself, for of course in a few months time people will start to become aware of Pemberley having a mistress, and then they'll blame Mrs Elizabeth Darcy for everything they don't like!

Imagine, there will be total strangers looking at and walking around in what is now her home. Elizabeth thinks of all the houses she has visited herself, she has seen sitting-rooms, saloons, even bedrooms. She wouldn't want anyone to see their bedroom, but those were probably the chambers no longer used, or the spare-rooms. Galleries are no problem of course, and the ballroom, if Fitzwilliam has one.

In fact, Elizabeth thinks most visitors would actually love to view the splendid dining-room. They are after all visiting the great houses to see riches and heirlooms from times long past, she supposes the taste of the current owner doesn't interest them very much.

But she can also understand Fitzwilliam not wanting to seem bent on flaunting his status, like Lady Catherine clearly was at Rosings.

Compared to Rosings, Elizabeth actually doesn't think the dining-room is in really bad taste, it is not ugly or anything, it's just way too opulent for daily use. If one wanted to impress rich relatives for instance it would do very well.

'Would it be possible to use a smaller room to dine in when it's just the two of us, or us and Georgiana and maybe a few friends? And keep this room as it is for larger occasions? It is not that ugly, merely very rich for daily use. It's great to impress rich visitors with.'

That idea seems to please Fitzwilliam, and he says: 'See, I knew you'd come up with a good idea. I love it. Let's find a new dining-room in the time we're here, and we'll make plans to decorate it. Unless you find that an unsuitable activity for a honeymoon, which in fact it is, then we'll wait until spring.'

But of course fitting up rooms is fun, and Elizabeth doesn't mind at all to do it in the coming two weeks, and they spend the rest of the meal contemplating the size a dining-room should have, and what colours would be desirable, and whether the China should be exchanged for something less gaudy from storage.

Elizabeth cannot help but speak up about the viewings: 'You know, Fitzwilliam, I've seen my share of great houses when I was travelling with my uncle and aunt, and we always got a thrill from seeing rooms like this, richly furnished but in good taste, historically correct, with a collection of valuable heirlooms.

We never judged the owner as being a show-off, it always was more a reflection of the glorious past than of the current inhabitant. I thought Lady Catherine's style of furnishing tasteless, because that was expensive without being beautiful or containing something of the family's history, but this is actually quite magnificent.'

That is something her husband needs to process, and after a minute or so of thinking and looking around, he observes: 'You may be right. I may have looked at it a bit too much from my own point of view, what I want visitors to see, but of course they have their expectations, too. This room is pretty much the same as it has been for generations. Seen in that light it would be a total shame to redecorate it, so much history would be lost.

Do you think we should not just keep it, but include it in the tour?'

'If you don't mind, I think your visitors would be very pleased to see it. Mrs Reynolds could explain, tell them how it was kept intact to reflect the history of the Darcy family.'

'I think that is a capital idea, I've never viewed a house so I just thought to show them the rooms I like best, excepting that one room we'll keep to ourselves.' This with a big wink of course.

'But you are right, visitors come here to see the riches they cannot afford, they want to gape at the magnificence of the old families. Let's rethink the whole circuit, you can be of help, you've been on the tour, saw everything yourself.'

That is true, but not entirely so: 'I was not a neutral visitor, love, I needed to see your human side, your endearing love for your sister especially, seeing her rooms was very important in my change of heart towards you.

Had I seen that dining-room, my prejudice against you, my conviction of your towering pride, would have been confirmed.' Then she adds, musing: 'Though I don't want your visitors to fall in love with you, so maybe you should show more splendour and less humanity.'

'My visitors will pretty soon be your visitors as well,' Darcy reminds Elizabeth, she may as well get used to the idea, people expect to get a tour in every big house they visit, and they will know there is a lady in the house.

'So think well what you want them to see, talk about it with Mrs Reynolds, and we can compose a new route together. But not necessarily on our honeymoon, it can wait.'

She seems interested, and she has the experience he lacks, this may become one of the duties she asked for, but it is clear that she would consider it a pleasure, not a duty.