Chapter Thirteen

Darry drove his wife, Casey and me back to the Ottavi house. No one said a word. As I sat in the backseat, holding Casey's hand, I thought about how the Northside boy was right, the day had turned into a circus. By noon a description of that circus had been reported by our local radio station, several times. I looked ahead of our car at Mr. Ottavi in his car and the two police patrol cars leading the way. I turned my head to be sure Mrs. Ottavi was still following us in her car. Everyone was present, and more were waiting for us as we pulled into the Ottavi family's driveway. There must have been two dozen people, who had heard about the shooting, loitering on the front lawn. I spotted Soda, Steve, Evie and Two-Bit standing next to Curly and Skibby. I looked at the front steps and found Ponyboy, Pete, Owen and some of the kids we went to Prom with waiting to see that I was okay. The sight of everyone waiting there made my anxiety level rise again. I didn't want to be with anyone.

Darry looked into the rearview mirror at me. "Go right upstairs and put those clothes into the evidence bag then we can give it to the officer and this will all be over." My brother was being optimistic. He knew the morning events were a long way from over.

My heart began to race, along with my mind, as I uneasily questioned him. "Darry?"

My brother knew what I was worried about. "Don't worry, I'll get you out of the car and we'll go in through the back door before anyone can see you." Darry's job was made easier as Mr. Ottavi and the officers kept the crowd from approaching the driveway.

I let go of Casey's hand and grabbed the folded paper evidence bad. Kathryn ran ahead to have the back door open for me to enter. Darry walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened my door. I stepped out of the car, raised the paper bag to keep anyone from seeing the look on my face and darted into the house. Once inside, I knew the drill. Relinquish my outfit, and try not to damage the evidence. Without a word, I walked straight up the stairs and into the bathroom. Standing on the rug, I opened the paper bag and set it on the floor. I undressed myself and examined each article of clothing one more time before I stuffed it into the evidence sack.

In just my undergarments, I stood in the bathroom and looked into the mirror. It was the first time I had seen James' blood on my cheek and in my hair. The sedative they had given me at the courthouse cured me of my panic attack, but I hadn't entirely processed all that had transpired. Alone, shut off from everyone else, was the first moment I had to give rational thought to what had happened. Since I wouldn't be his girl, James Young wanted me dead. The rational of his thinking brought feelings of confusion, grief, guilt and betrayal to my mind.

To avoid the cocktail of emotions, I fixated my thoughts on how every second had to be perfectly timed to hear the switchblade and see him coming. My very positioning in the front row made it so I could put my hands above me and stop his arm from stabbing me in the heart with the knife. If one second was off, I may have been dead. I struggled to understand where I found the strength to hold him at bay.

The image of James' blood spilling onto the courtroom floor entered my mind and I thought of that boy. Not the cold hearted devil who treated me like an object he could own or destroy. I thought of the sweet boy who existed for a few weeks when I first met him. I thought of that boy, and how poverty and his neighborhood friends may have helped to turn him into the monster he became. I thought of Delores crying for her son. A tear rolled down my cheek, quickly followed by another.

"Scout?" Kathryn softly called through the door. "Sweetheart, the officer is waiting."

I wiped my eyes with my hands and straightened up. I thought about the crowd of people waiting outside. "Kathryn?"

"Yes sweetie."

"I don't want to see anyone."

"Sweetie, the officers asked them all to go. My father has arranged for an officer to keep watch outside the house tonight so you'll be safe. Come on downstairs so your family can see that you are okay."

"No, I don't want to see anyone, at all. I just want to be left alone."

"I understand how you feel, but that may not be what is best for you."

I got choked up before I answered. "Can you just tell everyone, I'll be okay. I just want to be alone."

Kathryn took a long pause before she answered, "Okay. I'll tell them."

I was relieved that she would be there to speak to everyone for me. I opened the bathroom door a crack, handed her the evidence bag then closed and locked the door to ensure my privacy. I stepped into the shower and let the warm water and soap wash away the visible evidence of what had happened. I let my soft cries and tears try to clear away the confusion and sadness I was feeling on the inside. Afterwards, I went to my room, put on a cotton t-shirt and shorts. I walked close enough to the window that I could still see the police car across the street. I backed away from the window before anyone left on the lawn would see that I was there.

I locked my bedroom door and stepped into the closet. I shut the door to assure additional privacy. To make room, I pushed a few items out of the way and sat in the corner on the wood floor with my back leaning against the cool plaster wall. I pulled my knees against my chest. It was now that I could feel my temples pounding and the headache from the morning returning to remind me of my lack of sleep. On the outskirts of my solitude, I heard a knock at my bedroom door. I didn't move to respond. I kept replaying in my mind the parts of the morning that I could remember. The sound of a metal key in the bedroom door lock reminded me of the click of a switchblade. The door creaked open and sounded like a chair sliding across a wooden floor. Footsteps outside the door meant someone was searching for me. I remembered hearing the shots from the gun, but nothing between that moment and seeing James lay motionless on the wooden bench in front of me. Why don't I remember those seconds? The closet door swung open. I looked up and squinted in the fresh sunlight.

Ponyboy looked down at me. He stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans and told me, "Mrs. Ottavi says you can't stay up here alone."

"She's not the boss of me." I quietly snarled.

"Fine then, I say you shouldn't be alone right now."

I furrowed my brow and looked away from my brother. I muttered under my breath, "No one forced you to be with everyone after your mental breakdown."

Ponyboy sighed then sat down with his back against the closet door jam. He stared at me a few seconds then spoke his mind. "You know, I kinda know how you feel about all of this. When the Socs were trying to drown me in that fountain all I wanted was to be free, but when I saw Bob laying there… what they tried to do to me didn't matter anymore. Johnny killed a boy to save my life, but all I could think about was anyone but myself. I felt guilty for a long time because Bob was dead. You and I both know I considered it all my fault for too long."

I looked over at my brother and realized we now had one more common tragedy that bonded us together. I shifted my weight and thought about James. "He was laying there, bleeding. I thought he was going to get up, but he didn't. I couldn't believe he was dead. Once I understood he was dead, I knew it was all my fault."

"That's where we're both wrong." Ponyboy scooted across the floor to sit beside me. "It was never my fault and it sure the hell isn't your fault! You know who taught me that?"

"Who?"

"You! You yelled at me that I needed to get back to reality, and I remembered those words for a long time. You were the one who forced me to move on."

"I was an idiot. I only yelled at you because I was being selfish."

"Why you did it doesn't matter. I needed to hear that."

"Well I don't." I said stubbornly.

Ponyboy sighed again and rested his arms on his knees. "All of this is James' fault, and he got what he deserved for trying to kill you."

"When he jumped that railing… I thought he was trying to kill Darry, not me."

"He probably would have tried to kill you both if he had the time."

Outside of the bedroom we heard rapid footsteps ascending the stairs. Pony nudged me with his elbow. "Here comes, Sodapop. He's been super anxious to see that you are okay."

Pony barely got the sentence out of his mouth before Soda found us in the closet. Sodapop dove onto his knees in front of me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"He's dead, Sissy!" Sodapop said with a hint of excitement. "He can't ever hurt you or Darry again. You're free!"

I didn't share in Soda's optimism. I still worried about Northside gang members 'finishing the job', Cindy berating me in public, or having to face Delores at the grocery store. In my mind, I was a long way from free.

"A bunch of people were here to see that you are okay!" Soda excitedly told me. "You need to come downstairs and be with everybody!"

"No, I'm not ready for that." I said matter of fact.

The grin on Soda's face held steady. "Come on, Scout. You'll be fine. Just come downstairs with Pony and I to say hi to everyone."

"Soda, I'm not ready to be in a crowd of people. I just want to be left alone!" I barked at him.

My brother blinked in confusion. "But, it's not 'a crowd of people', it's all of your friends and family."

"It's not all of my family!" I snapped and began to get upset.

Soda looked to Pony to see what I meant. When Pony had no response, Soda decided he was not taking 'no' for an answer. He stood up and tried to pull me to my feet.

My mind began to fill with anxiety. I pulled in the opposite directions and screamed at the top of my lungs. "Stop it! I can't go down there! You can't make me!" My screeching took my brother by surprise and he let me go. I fell back into the wall with a thud. I curled up and began to bawl.

Pony and Soda heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. In the next moment, Darry was by their side asking what had happened.

"Nothing." Soda said. "I was just grabbing her hand to help her up and she went crazy!"

"Stop it!" Darry snapped a warning at my brother to remind him not to call me 'crazy'.

Sodapop pleaded with me, "Scout, I'm sorry, but now that he's dead I just want everything to be normal again."

Ponyboy knelt by my side and placed his hand on my shoulder while I cried out. "I got that boy killed. He died because of me!"

"You're wrong." Ponyboy said quietly.

I sat up, stared my brother in the face and snarled, "I don't care what you think! I caused this mess for everyone and I just want to be left ALONE!"

Darry reached his hand down for Ponyboy. "Come on. Let's give her some time alone."

From the bedroom doorway Mrs. Ottavi questioned her son in law, "Darrell, I don't think that's a good idea."

Darry hoisted Ponyboy to his feet and pulled him out of the closet while I continued to bawl and whimper that I didn't want to see anyone ever again. Darry looked over at his mother in law. "Yeah, let's just give her some time to calm herself down."

Kathryn stepped into the room beside her mother and questioned her husband. "Darry, we all agreed it would be best for her not to be alone."

Darry raised his voice a tick. "I know that Kathryn, but I'm changing my mind. Besides, she can't hurt herself in there. Let's just give her a little space. Okay?" With that, Darry left the closet door open and began shooing everyone out of the bedroom.

The small crowd gathered in the hallway outside of my bedroom. Owen was there leaning up against the wall, his face drained of all color and his eye's blood shot from tears. Mr. Ottavi stood by his side to give him comfort.

Art looked over at Darry. "Owen wants to know if he can sit with her. Maybe she wouldn't mind if he did."

"If she gets upset I'll leave right away. I Promise." Owen explained.

Darry thought briefly about the proposal then nodded his head. "Alright, I'll wait here on the steps. Let me know if she needs me. Okay?"

"You got it." Owen answered softly. Before he joined me, he grabbed a glass of water from the bathroom for me. He pushed my bedroom door shut, then took cautious steps towards the closet. My cries were loud so I did not hear the boy approach. The boy wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeve and sat down in the closet doorway. He said nothing. He just sat there for a dozen of minutes until I ran out of energy and began to calm myself down.

He took in a calming breath before speaking. "I'm here for you if you need me."

I jumped at the sound of his voice and looked over at him. "Leave me alone! You're not safe around me. You need to go."

Owen was too exhausted and too emotionally fragile to hold back his quiet tears of frustration and sadness. He picked up the water glass presented it to me. "You can take a drink if you need to."

"I don't need anything except to be alone." I cried out. "Go away!"

Owen pleaded with me. "What if this isn't about you? What if my being here is about me because I need you? What if this is all too much for me too?"

"Then you drink the water!" I snapped.

"I already have." Owen said to keep the conversation going.

"If I take a drink, will you leave me alone?"

Owen wiped his eyes again and softly said. "Sure."

I snatched the glass from the boy's hand and spilled some of the water onto the floor. I put the glass to my mouth and took a big gulp of the water. "There, now go!"

Owen took the glass back from me and set it on the floor outside of the closet. He brushed his hand through the tiny puddles of water on the wood floor to disperse it. When he didn't move I snarled at the boy. "You told me you'd go! Now go!"

Owen grabbed my hand with my promise ring on my finger and cried back at me. "I'm staying because I promised to take care of you!"

I sat up and angrily pulled the ring from my finger. I attempted to throw it across the bedroom but it ricocheted off the closet door jam and landed back inside the closet. The mistake infuriated me. "You're a fool! You can have any girl you want! I'm no good for no one!"

"Say whatever you want. Ring or no ring I'm keeping the promise I made to you, and I'm staying right here because I need you!" Owen paused a moment then asked in confusion, "Do you even remember what happened last night?"

I looked at the boy and for the first time since he joined me in my solitude I noticed the immense grief on his face. I thought about how I tried to banish the symbol of Owen's promise to me, but it wouldn't leave me. It felt like something else had directed that ring to ricochet back to me. Some force was there to protect me the same way I had felt additional strength when I fended off James in the courtroom. It felt like I wasn't as alone as I often felt. No doubt, my lack of sleep was affecting my ability to cope with the traumas. I quit focusing on James and forced myself to remember Owen crying in the hallway outside of his brother's room as he unveiled the truth to the detective to save me from having to say anything.

"Do you?" He asked again through his tears.

"I'm bad luck." I whimpered in confession.

Owen threw his head back in dismay as he tried to regroup his thoughts. He put his hand on the floor and felt the promise ring underneath his palm. He picked the ring up and looked at it. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and luck has nothing to do with it." Owen slowly scooted into the closet to be by my side.

"You should go. I'm sure your family needs you." I said softly.

"Yeah, that's why I'm here." Owen took a chance and handed the promise ring back to me.

I took the ring in my hand and stared at the boy. I realized that for the first time in our relationship Owen had as much to worry about in the moment as I did. I wiped my eyes and softly questioned, "He wanted to kill me, so why am I so upset that he is dead?"

"Because you're a kind person. You never wanted anything bad to happen to anyone. You just wanted him to leave you alone."

I nodded my head and quietly joked. "No matter how loud I scream, I can't get anyone to do that for me."

"A lot of people who yell are never really heard."

I thought of Owen's mother. I wondered if my fit of rage had reminded him of her. I was screaming just to scream, and I wasn't being reasonable. I held the ring tight in my hand. I took a chance and leaned in to rest my head on his warm chest. I wrapped my arms around him. Unexpectedly, he began to quietly cry. He wrapped one hand around my body to keep me close to him and used the other to hold my head close to his heart. I didn't let go as I gave him time to grieve and calm himself. When I could hear more of his heartbeat then I could his sobs I told him. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me too. I am so sorry for everything."

"You have nothing to be sorry about."

"I tried to throw my ring away, and I wasn't kind to you."

"Let it go, Scout. It don't mean nothing." Owen told me while he petted my hair to give me comfort. "Do you want to tell me about what happened today?"

I shook my head. "No, right now I'd rather hear about how everything is with your mom."

"I don't know anything. I don't want to talk about her."

"Have you talked to your dad?"

"A little. I called him and told him what had happened to James. He said he had already heard about it and the first thing he did was call the coroner's office and told them not to bring the body to us because he wasn't going to have that boy laid to rest on Jasper property."

"That was a sweet thing for him to do for you."

"He didn't do it just for me. He really likes you, and he knows how serious I am about you." Owen paused then shared a memory. "Remember the day I picked you up in the rain?"

"Of course I do."

"I went home that night and my dad thought I was drunk because I was bumping into things and stuff. I told him that I couldn't get you off my mind. I told him everything I knew about you, and he told me not to let you get away. Then you vanished!"

"That's the day I forced Dallas to take me to Windricksville."

"I know. That's also the day I started going to the gas station where Soda works hoping I would hear about where you were or find you there."

"Seriously?"

"That's the truth. After seeing in the paper that you were back in Tulsa, I talked Peter into following the girls there. When I found you, I was so nervous, and I really didn't want to leave you. I only did because I didn't know how to tell my friends I liked you."

"Because they thought I was a greaser?" I said with a yawn.

"No. I didn't want them to be mean to you because you weren't like them."

"Because they thought I was a greaser!" I added matter of fact.

Owen sighed, "Yeah… I guess so, but that's not how I felt. Do you ever wonder how different that day would have been if I had stayed with you at the station?"

"I hadn't ever thought about it." I told him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Do you think it would have made any difference with how that night turned out?"

"I don't know." I said with a sleepy sigh. "Johnny would have still died, and the rumble would have still happened."

"If I had gone there by myself , I would have sat there on the curb with you all day."

"I wasn't there a long time. I went home right after you left." I informed him.

"I would have gone with you."

I laughed at the thought of a Soc coming to my house on the night of a rumble against the Socs. "Soda would have let you come home with us, but he probably wouldn't have let you in the house. I am guessing we would have sat out on the porch while the boys got ready. I don't think they would have liked a Soc in the house before a rumble with the Socs."

Owen laughed. "Would you have stayed on the porch and talked with me."

"I probably would have sat out there with you. I don't know how much I would have talked to you." I yawned again. "I'm sure Darry would have liked seeing you again, but he would have told you to go home before the boys left for the rumble."

Owen yawned too. "I would have had to wait with you for someone to come and get me."

"Darry wouldn't have trusted you to stay there with me."

"Really? I'm harmless, plus he knows me!" Owen questioned with bewilderment.

"Well, maybe he would have let you wait on the porch, but he would have made me go inside."

"Would you have gone inside or stayed with me?"

"I would have done what Darry told me to do, but I probably would have come back out to check on you after he left."

"So, do you think the night would have ended different if I had stayed with you?"

I thought a moment. "If we stayed out on the porch after the gang left we would have been there when Dally arrived. He would have come up and asked 'who the hell' you were, and if you were bothering me. He probably wouldn't have listened to me and just focused on you begin a Soc. Then he would have told you to man up and go to the rumble with him. You would have said 'no', and Dally would have told me I wasn't safe staying on the porch with a pansy Soc who couldn't protect me."

Owen laughed, "He doesn't know me very well."

"Dally wouldn't have let me stay there with you. He would have grabbed me like he did that night, and dragged me down to the rumble. Once we arrived I imagine the night would have gone exactly the same."

"What if I stayed on the porch, and waited for you to return?"

"Well, we would have come home all wet and muddy. Darry would have asked why you were still there and probably drove you home. Pony would have still gotten the concussion at the rumble. Dally would have still dragged him to the hospital to see Johnny who would have still died. By the time Dally robbed that store and called for us to meet him Darry would have been back from driving you home. The cops would have still shot him, and I would have lost my mind. So, I don't think anything would have been different."

"Other than I would have called you every day and maybe have visited you at the hospital. I could have brought you your homework, and shared my notes with you."

"You would have done that for me?"

Owen reacted in disbelief. "How do you not know how head over heels in love with you I am?"

"Even then?" I questioned him.

"Even then! Scout, that night of the rumble I missed you so much I almost cried that I couldn't be with you. We went to Kirby's house after the movie, and everyone knew something was bothering me. Pete took me outside and I told him that I was upset that I may have left my future wife sitting on the curb at some gas station in order to spend the evening with a bunch of shallow minded gals. I was an idiot! I knew since the first day I saw you that this was forever, but I just left you there all alone."

"But you are here now." I said softly and closed my eyes to listen to his heartbeat.