Chapter 49

The next days pass by pleasantly and relatively uneventfully, with conversation, exercise in snowy Hertfordshire, and of course some loving in private. Wickham first goes back to Longbourn, then leaves the neighbourhood altogether with his lovely wife, back to his regiment.

Elizabeth delights in long talks with her sister, and Darcy can see Kitty getting rather well-acquainted with Mr Lascelles. That is certainly not an unwelcome development, Mr Lascelles is a handsome man with a noble estate and pleasing manners, and if he doesn't mind that Kitty is poor and not as clever as her elder sisters, he has Darcy's blessing.

Not that she needs it, she has a father of her own, after all, but somehow Kitty and himself are getting used to each other, her awe of him is much reduced and she is growing as familiar to him as Jane is. Of course Georgiana and herself being so close makes a difference, too.

Miss Bingley is sadly disappointed with Mr Grenfell's departure, apparently Bingley hasn't even told her he was sent away in disgrace, they have kept his misstep from the others, though Darcy has insisted Manners tell Georgiana everything that happened or he'd do it himself.

Manner obliges, of course, and is still invited to London for Christmas. But to not tell Miss Bingley about Grenfell's behaviour seems outright dangerous, though of course if Bingley were to tell his sister, it would be all over the house within a day. For now, even most of the servants are still in the dark, Fanny, Bob and Simon have kept their quiet as promised.

When Darcy challenges Manners on his silence, the latter explains.

'When he has served his punishment, Grenfell has paid for his crime, and we want him to be able to pick up his life without having people prejudiced against him. And you know once the servants hear, it will be all over London as soon as the party breaks up.'

Darcy does not agree, he feels the world should know, but at least anyone within his responsibility is aware of Grenfell's true nature, and he did consent to Manners handling the affair. Still it would be sad if Miss Bingley were to suffer for her brother's boundless support of his friend.

Soon, the day has arrived that he will have to leave his beloved to take Georgiana to London for her piano-lesson, but despite that little detail of him going to miss Elizabeth terribly, he's actually glad to be doing something again.

He cannot remember why he used to enjoy being among friends so much, of course he feels satisfaction at finally having seen and talked to Bingley again, and it has been undeniably pleasant to ride out in a group, and to have more than a few intelligent people to talk to. But now he certainly feels the need to be active again, to run his estate and write letters of business.

And most of all he is aching for privacy, to be with only the people he loves, to openly show his affection, to read to them in the evenings, that ludicrous pirate story, to have Elizabeth correct Georgiana's mistakes on the piano meticulously without fearing to irritate the company.

Of course that last will have to wait a little longer, Elizabeth will stay with her sister a few days extra, and then they'll all move to London together, excepting Bingley's friends and sisters of course, they have their own engagements for Christmas, though Darcy is contemplating inviting Mr Lascelles as well as Manners, he has grown pretty close to Kitty, teaching her the rudiments of French, obviously finding great satisfaction in improving the pretty girl's mind.

Better ask Elizabeth before they separate for two lonely days.

And with Lascelles' pleased acceptance of their invitation, Darcy is ready to leave, and he kisses Elizabeth goodbye for a day or two. It's incredibly hard to leave her behind, and it's clear she feels their impending separation as much. They have not been apart since their marriage, not for more than an hour or so.

'Why don't you just come with us, Elizabeth? If it's so hard to leave my brother behind, why not join us? Mr Fielding will be pleased to see you as well.'

'Thank you for your kind invitation, Georgiana,' Elizabeth replies, 'but I think we have to do this, we can do this. Imagine how happy we'll be when we're finally reunited.'

'That's all right for you to say Elizabeth,' Georgie actually retorts, 'you'll be with your sister, who is almost ridiculously happy with Bingley, but I'll have to bear Fitzwilliam's constant sighs and melancholy air.'

Of course Elizabeth can't help laughing at that, and in fact Darcy guesses Georgie may be right, he'll have to watch out for self-pity, he was alone for years, he'll survive.

'Elizabeth is right, Georgie, I think we have to just accept being apart for a day or two, we'll get over it. And if I sigh or feel sorry for myself, you may kick me. We'll find some amusement, and the days will fly by.

Can I have one more kiss?'

Of course he gets his last kiss, and as Bob drives off, Elizabeth waves at them until they cannot see her anymore because the road takes a turn just across the river.

Two days without Elizabeth, it will be so weird and awful, but there will be plenty for him to do, and Georgiana is excellent company.

And the half day of travel indeed passes quickly, Bob is setting a good time, he must be eager to return to Fanny as well, no-one considers their feelings, perhaps Darcy shouldn't make a fuss about his own either. It's not that bad.

They stop only once to rest the team, having lunch at an inn, a tiny one in a picturesque village, Georgie wants something different for this special occasion, and it's pretty nice with excellent though simple fare.

It's pretty busy in town, as always, but they arrive safely. Bob stops the carriage to let them get out, then corners the house towards the stables. It's not as impressive to see him turn the tiny carriage with no more than one pair of horses, come spring they'll use the thoroughbreds again, they'll be frisky after a winter's lazing about.

There is no butler to receive them, not for this short visit.

Mrs Annesley looks relieved to see her master, that is not a good sign, but there doesn't seem to be anything really amiss either.

'Mr Darcy, I'm so glad you're here, and Miss Darcy, you look fabulous, you must have had a good time at the wedding.

I was expecting you for dinner, but I suppose Miss Darcy will want her lesson first?'

'Thank you, Mrs Annesley, dinner will be lovely, and indeed, we'll have to take a cab to Mr Fielding's in an hour or so, maybe we can get a cup of tea and a snack to tide us over until then?'

'You may not need that cab, sir, something happened the day before yesterday. Will you let me ring for tea before I tell you, and take your coats?'

At Darcy's nod she indeed rings and talks to the maid, who takes the coats from her and disappears quickly. The three of them march to the drawing-room, where a fire is burning merrily, and Darcy invites his housekeeper to sit down and explain.

'Well, sir, you told me there was a slight chance Mr Fielding would seek refuge in this house, and would be welcome anytime, though it wasn't likely he'd have to take you up on your offer.

Well, on Tuesday he was here, looking forlorn and more than a little disappointed with life. He said he'd done what Mrs Darcy and yourself had advised him, bare his soul to his patron, and had been given an ultimatum as a result: to marry his patron's daughter and play what that worthy ordered him, or gather his things and take himself away from the house, to support himself from then on.

He was distraught, apparently this patron had practically raised him from childhood, and Mr Fielding did not just feel rejected for this reaction to his owning up to his real feelings, he also felt guilty for disappointing his patron's expectations.

He was in a terrible state, Mr Darcy, fortunately he didn't object to letting myself and Cook comfort him with a listening ear and good food.

I managed to console him a little by stating that any advice from Mrs Darcy and yourself had to be good, that you were a much respected gentleman and would never urge anyone to betray their loyalties. That therefore, his patron must be in the wrong here, and to take heart and hope for the best.

We quickly readied the room for him, and he has been taking his meals with us in the kitchen since then, said he wasn't a gentleman and didn't deserve to be treated as such, and since he shouldn't be alone all the time we agreed to let him join us, Cook and I.

The rest of his time he spends playing the piano in the drawing-room, and such heartbreaking music as ventures forth from that usually cheery place, it makes the two of us feel for him so much. He's even better than I thought, sir, you are doing the right thing taking care he ends up well.

When he heard the carriage, he fled to his room, I suppose he feels bad about your finding him here, though I insisted you prepared me for such a thing happening. Will you ring for him, sir?'

'I think not, Mrs Annesley, he is not my servant and I will not encourage his humility by treating him as such. Mr Fielding's talent is a gift that should be treasured not just by himself, but also by the people around him.

His patron raised him as a gentleman, sending him to school, having his manners polished, he intended well by meaning Mr Fielding to marry his daughter, thereby elevating him to wealth in due time, he did however not take into account that by forcing his pupil into a lifestyle not of his own choosing, he actually reduced him to servitude.

For his talent to bloom, Mr Fielding needs to feel strong and self-assured, and therefore we will treat him as a gentleman. He will dine with us tonight, of course he may sit with you in the kitchen when we're away, if you think he will suffer from being alone.

I will talk to him and try to elevate him a little, and teaching Miss Darcy will cheer him up.

Though I regret this state of affairs, Mr Fielding need not suffer too much, I can easily take over where his patron left off, and the rest is up to him.

Imagine, Mrs Annesley, those heart-breaking compositions being played in every theatre in England, and the composer living under our very roof.'

Mrs Annesley acknowledges her employer's opinion, asking, 'What would you have me do then, sir? Fetch him myself for tea?'

'No need, Mrs Annesley, I will fetch Mr Fielding myself, see whether he is up to tea with Miss Darcy and myself, and if he needs some heartening first, I'll do that in my office.

You'll manage to entertain yourself for half an hour, won't you, Georgie?'

'I will, Fitzwilliam, no problem. To think Mr Fielding is right here in the house, and so upset. I can use a few moments to get accustomed to the idea, that means we'll be in each other's company constantly.'

And she sits down on a sofa, lost in thought, as Darcy decides he will see to Mr Fielding straight away, for he is hungry and ready for his tea.

Mrs Annesley has given their guest the room Darcy designated for his use, should it become a necessity, a rather large apartment with a bedroom and a sitting-room attached, knowing his stay will be of some duration if he needs to use Darcy's offer.

And he'll need a piano of his own, he cannot share with Georgiana, she uses the piano constantly, and he probably plays all day, practising, composing and entertaining himself. Darcy doesn't even know whether he owns his own piano, but that is something they can discuss later.

He knocks on the door calmly, expecting a distraught young man to open the door, but when Mr Fielding opens up he sounds tranquil enough.

'Mr Darcy, I wasn't expecting you to come by in person, I guessed you would send a servant to fetch me. Please do come in, your housekeeper has given me such a beautiful apartment, I have all I need to receive a guest.'

They shake hands, and Darcy takes one of the comfortable chairs to sit in. Mr Fielding sits in the other one.

'I'm very sorry your patron didn't react as we'd hoped, Mr Fielding. After being so close for years, to expect you to change your life so radically, and give up your ambitions to marry a girl you cannot love. I truly cannot believe it.'

'I've been racking my brain why this happened, sir. Whether I was unreasonable and ungrateful to want to keep developing. I can't decide, Mr Darcy, Mr Zumpe has done so much for me that it cannot end this way, it just cannot.

But I still can't crawl back on my knees and beg forgiveness, not because it would be demeaning, but because I cannot face the future I'd have, being stuck in a life I'd hate from the start, I'd resent Louise's love, as if it was her affection that shackled me to London and mediocrity.'

'Please try not to worry too much, we will keep you safe from want, you can play whatever you like and compose whatever your mind throws at you. I've designated you use of these rooms so you can have a measure of independence, a place to be by yourself and to practise in, and even receive guests in privacy.

Of course you are welcome in our midst whenever you care to join us, I expect you to dine with us whenever we are at home and you are not eating out, but you may sit wherever you like when we're away.

But Mr Fielding, to me you are a gentleman and a guest, and you have no obligations to pay for your keep in any way. We'll let you settle for a few weeks and then we'll make a plan for your future, see how you can develop your skills and work towards independence, if you prefer that, or my patronage, if we can come to an arrangement that is mutually satisfactory.

Do you own a piano?'

'Fortunately, I do, Mr Darcy. The instrument I used to teach Miss Darcy is in fact my own, but I didn't see a possibility to have it moved already, besides, it seemed a bit forward to do so without your consent.'

'And rightly so. Let's arrange for it to be brought here as soon as possible, we're expecting a large party of family and friends for the holidays, and I'm very certain you'd prefer to be able to practise and compose in peace with a house full of guests you don't know.

Do you want to supervise the removal yourself, or would you prefer not to face your patron so soon after what happened?'

Now Mr Fielding does show some of his despair and disappointment, and he practically begs, 'I need to make sure it is transported safely, but I cannot do it, I cannot face him. Or Louise. I'm so glad you understand, but what can I do but supervise?'

'Don't stress yourself, Mr Fielding, I've had at least three pianos moved in the last two years, two of them all the way to Derbyshire. I know a company that hasn't failed me yet, we'll send them in to pick up your instrument and deliver it to this very room. The owner of the company will be respectful towards your former patron, he is used to dealing with all walks of life.'

'Mr Zumpe will not give him any trouble, he gave me a fortnight to pick it up before he'd have it moved to his warehouse, he'll be pleased to see the end of this within days.'

'I'm certain Mr Zumpe regrets this as much as you do, Mr Fielding, but I'm also certain what he did was wrong. You'll have your opportunity to prove the worth of your compositions, to ourselves and our visitors, but I hope to others as well, though personally I have no idea how those matters work, we will find out.

Are you up to tea in the drawing-room with my sister and myself? We've been travelling all day in a cold carriage, and I'm hungry.'

'You mean sit with you and Miss Darcy, and chat?'

'Of course Mr Fielding, I consider you a gentleman belonging to this household, you can chat with Miss Darcy whenever you like, you can play the piano together, you may sit to one of her drawings, you know the boundaries of propriety and within them you are free to move where you will.

Though I've no musical mind at all, I'm not without talent, you know. I can read like no-one else, and if you have a mind to, you can sit with us in the evenings and listen in. Or read any book from the library, or play your latest creations to us, or some other favourite. Now, will you join us downstairs?'

The poor guy is almost stunned, apparently he expected to be some second rate inhabitant of the house.

'You were part of the family at Mr Zumpe's house, weren't you?'

'I was, but they're traders, they're rich but nothing more. And you know what happened with Louise, aren't you afraid...'

'You're a handsome fellow, Mr Fielding, and my sister admires your talent very much, but she is not an unsophisticated adolescent, she has enjoyed a very thorough education, and she's grown worldly-wise pretty quickly since she has become a woman. She knows she cannot fall in love with the first handsome face she meets, for that'll certainly deliver her into the hands of a mercenary looking to make his fortune quickly.

I trust you, and I trust my sister, enjoy each other's company, you two share a love for music that Georgiana can find with no-one else.'

'Thank you for your trust, Mr Darcy, I will not disappoint you. I'll be glad to join you for tea, I am starved for some company my own age, though your staff have been very kind to me when I needed it badly.'

When they walk into the drawing-room, Georgie takes one look at Mr Fielding and gives a little cry of shock, then runs towards him and takes his hand in sympathy.

'Oh Mr Fielding, you look so tired, and so sad, I'm so sorry this happened. But don't doubt your decision to stand by your own music, it is worth every bit of suffering, I'm sure.'

Such a reception, he clearly didn't expect that, and neither did Darcy. Georgie almost looks like the infatuated adolescent he just told this man she wasn't. But Mr Fielding reacts very appropriately.

'Miss Darcy, I suppose I do look a bit worse for wear, but that does not mean your staff have allowed me to suffer, I've been received very handsomely by them and just now by your brother. So please don't feel too sorry for me.

I just feel terribly guilty for not being able to conform to my patron's fond wishes.'

Of course Georgie can be a bit blunt at times.

'Fond wishes? Indenture you mean! Playing fairs and demonstrations, bragging your virtuosity when you have a unique gift to create music. Mr Fielding, you were not given your talent to waste it on promoting someone's instruments to rich tradespeople. You were endowed with this gift to give it back to the world in the form of valuable music, music that will stir the heart, and not just that of a well-fed, self-proclaimed connoisseur, but that of the ordinary man or woman as well.'

'Amen,' Darcy cannot help saying, and Mr Fielding's eyes are wide with surprise.

'Don't you dare give up your ambitions!'

'I won't, Miss Darcy. I wouldn't dare, frankly, if I'd incur your wrath by doing so. Thank you for believing in me, I guess we'll have a great time. There's music taking shape in my mind even now, I'll let it ripen and then I'll play it for you just before I write it down, to prove I believe you and will obey you.

Thank you so much for your kind reception, Mr Darcy, Miss Darcy, I was a bit worried to find you regretting your offer. This is a great relief to me.'

And to prove it, he eats heartily of the dainties provided with tea, and talks with relish to both of them.

Then when tea is finished, Georgie and him move towards the piano as one person, without speaking one word, and start their lesson.

Mr Fielding is back to his authoritative self instantly, though Georgie gets a lot of praise this time, she must have practised well despite being in company all week. And after an hour of disciplined application, Mr Fielding says, 'That was very well-done, Miss Darcy, you must have practised a lot, and very efficiently, you seem to have addressed all those little things I pointed out to Mrs Darcy and yourself.

And how was the piano? Did it measure up to your new standard? Did you manage to get it in perfect tune?'

'It was pretty good, Mr Fielding, it turned out to be as modern an instrument as your Zumpe, I cannot imagine why Mr Bingley would have such an expensive piano-forte in a leased house, but he did. And it wasn't very badly tuned at all, just sloppily. We had it fixed in half an hour, Mrs Darcy and myself, and she did help me a lot with those nuisances you told me to take particular care to correct.

You know I played with an orchestra on the wedding itself, it was a thrill.'

This is the first time Mr Fielding and Georgie have the time to just chat about music, normally she would leave right after her lesson, and it is clear they are both overjoyed to finally have a companion who can talk music by the hour.

As they start discussing the instruments the orchestra was composed of, and the likely level of expertise of a local collection of musicians calling themselves the Meryton Merry Ten, Darcy suddenly remembers he has some business to attend to this afternoon, arrange for Mr Fielding's piano to be picked up and brought to his room, and ask Mrs Annesley how preparations for the Christmas party are coming on and tell her to plan in two extra guests.

He quietly leaves the room, not to disturb the two remaining, and frankly, they don't even see him g out.

Of course Georgiana does see him leave, and she feels a mixture of pride, to have Fitzwilliam trust her enough to leave her by herself with an adult man, and confusion, to be sitting here by herself with a man she knows is in love with her.

It's so weird to have him part of their household all of a sudden, she feels she needs a little time to adapt, but here she is, talking away about music like never before in her life.

'Can we talk of music a little more, Georgiana? I feel as if the world has dropped away from under my feet, and sitting here discussing pianos and violins makes me feel less forlorn.'

He is so right. If anyone has a right to need a little time to adapt to a new situation, it's Eric. He's been kicked out by his patron, a man he loved as a father figure.

'I'm sorry Eric, I felt a bit uncomfortable having my piano-teacher chat with me, I've idolized you more than a little, you know. But I do try to understand how you must feel, and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel at home with us.'

Eric seems surprised.

'You idolized me? I thought I was quite a taskmaster. Sometimes after one of your lessons, I felt I had been so demanding you might rightfully despise me. Then the next time, I would try to take it easy on you but somehow I always ended up pushing you as far as you would go.'

'Eric, you are the best pianist I have ever heard. Of course I idolize you! I know you are a demanding and authoritative person, but how else would you get the best out of a pupil, how else would you have reached the height of your own potential?'

'So you do think I'm a taskmaster?'

Why does that bother him? It's who he is, isn't it?

'Yes, I suppose you are. But that's only natural, isn't it? Otherwise you would be lying under a tree, chewing on a sprig of hay, waiting for your cows to finish grazing for the day, maybe whistling a tune in perfect pitch.

Or you'd have married Louise, let yourself be waited on hand and foot between selling pianos and playing sonata's.

You're supposed to drive yourself, and your pupils, Eric, that is what makes you worthy of admiration.'

Oh my, if he looks at her like that on a regular basis, she's really going to fall in love with him. He's so handsome, the dark worry-circles under his eyes make him even more ravishing and he seems so... vulnerable.

'It's mostly other people's expectations that make me that way, Georgiana. Please don't judge me too harshly, I'm so afraid to fail the people who have supported me, who pay me for lessons, that I cannot seem to take it easy, to trust in my talent and my abilities to give them their due.

I'm so afraid to disappoint the people who invest in me, and now I've disappointed my patron. But I don't want you to just respect me and obey me, I desperately want you to like me, Georgiana. To talk about music, but also about other things. About yourself. About me.

I'm actually quite a nice man, Georgiana, sensitive, and also with a sense of humour. You've only seen me at my worst.'

'Eric, you're just upset with what happened. Of course I like you, I always did. You're not that bad, truly, I love taking lessons with you because you always explain things, and really care about helping me develop my talent.'

Never in her life has Georgiana felt so helpless in the face of someone else's grief. Except that time when Fitzwilliam was sick with love, but she had the right to hold him and comfort him. She can't even take Eric's hand to show him she cares, she has nothing but words to try to put some heart in him, and somehow Eric seems beyond the application of words.

But not music. Never music.

'Please believe me, Eric, everything will turn out fine. You can show me your true personality at leisure, and you may play any music your mind provides. You'll never have to deny yourself with us.'

That is a relief to him, she can see him digest that bit of information, and his beautiful features brighten.

'I can, can't I? Will you let me play for you right now? Please?'

'Eric, to listen to your playing is not a favour, it's a privilege. So, yes, please, play for me.'

And music is his means of forgetting everything for a few moments.

Georgiana suppresses an urge to stroke his beautiful black hair, then moves out of his reach, he'll need the space and when he is really playing with concentration he won't feel her presence until he bumps into her.

Taking a comfortable chair and pulling it as close as possible to the piano, she can see him concentrate on the music in his mind, and disappear to a place where he will be free of doubt or regret for an hour or so.

When he strokes the piano to produce the first chord, she is as lost to the world outside as he is.

This time, being caught up in Eric's music is not altogether pleasant, for it makes her part of his hopelessness, he is slogging through the snow all by himself, driven from hearth and home, desperate for a little warmth and affection, rejected by the people he loved for wanting to be himself instead of some image they hoped to fit him into.

Of course it never happened this way, but his fear to become destitute must have been real, and his feeling of rejection certainly is.

The beautiful music doesn't indulge in self-pity, he promises himself he will rise to the challenge, and follow his dream anyway, go to the continent again, through the lovely green valleys of the Danube to the magnificent city of Vienna, where he will measure his skills against the best performers of the continent.

Of course he will triumph, this music now reflects his trust in his gift, the force of his dream that has brought him this far, he cannot fail to perform in this mood.

And then the music changes again towards intimacy, the warm side of an English winter, a cheery fire, the whole family gathered to celebrate the shortest days of the year.

The performer, who ruthlessly shoves aside all that is not essential to his success, still yearns for love, and for someone belonging to him, accepting him as he is, with all his talent but also his failings and needs.

The music tugs at Georgiana's heartstrings, spoken not in words but in flowing notes she must believe his assurances, Eric cannot lie in his music, it comes straight from his heart, he is indeed a man of feeling, besides his driving ambition he also has an overpowering need for acceptance and love, and though most people would only hear heartbreakingly beautiful music, to Georgiana it's language, and she can understand what he tells her as if spoken in the most articulate English.

This is a declaration of love, and in the shape of Eric's overpowering music it is much more real than spoken words could ever be.

Eric cannot tell Georgiana outright that he loves her, he is beneath her and now dependent on her brother for his very survival.

But his music speaks to Georgiana, more intently than anything else has ever done, and deep inside her, she feels a spark kindle in reply.

She has no idea what love is, she knows it can take a long time to grow and bloom, but from this moment on she will spend some thoughts on marrying a penniless pianist.

Georgiana doesn't think she's in love, not yet, but Eric's plea that he is not the ruthless driving force she's known him to be so far has touched her, and she will allow the possibility of loving this beautiful, sensitive, gifted man some time and space in her mind.

Her feelings, stirred by his music, by the plea for love and acceptance in it, will not be denied, and when he finishes his tour de force, playing the music in his mind with no help of written music whatsoever, and sits still, bent over the keyboard of her beautiful Buntebart, still lost in his feelings and probably rather worn out with worries and guilt, she gets up and does stroke his hair, with all the feeling of that moment.

He looks up at her, eyes still a bit glazed with the intensity of his concentration, and Georgiana kisses him on his lips very lightly, a mere brush, then runs out of the room in total confusion.