Chapter 55

And it can, but that doesn't mean Darcy is pleased with it. He knows something is going on between Elizabeth and Georgie, the way his beloved looks at her sister whenever she thinks no-one is watching. Positively soft.

So it's probably as he suspects, Georgie has learned to love Mr Fielding, it is hurtful that neither of them will tell him, but it is also true that he does need some time to get used to the idea of his sister contemplating getting married to a penniless, though very gifted, man.

That way, when it does come out, he will be able to keep from showing his disappointment. And he can make sure his driven protégé cannot use his sister's fortune to further his own ambitions. Though frankly, Darcy doesn't think Mr Fielding capable of doing such a thing, he seems ready to give up on his boyhood dreams and build a life for himself a bit closer to home.

They do look good together, such a handsome couple. And though Mr Fielding always seemed rather overbearing in his teaching, seeing him at his most vulnerable has shown both Georgie and himself that he is a real human with strong feelings. Remarkably enough the complete opposite of Manners, who seemed so gentle but turned out to be rather overpowering, even towards Darcy himself.

Though he'd undoubtedly take good care of Georgie, too. Better hope she'll hide her feelings well, at least until that gentleman is back to his own house, for it wouldn't do for him to find the girl he is after already taken by his inferior. Though in a way, Mr Fielding is superior to the lot of them, having come so far from such humble beginnings.

All in all, the time until their departure does not give Darcy any cause to worry, Georgiana is much more like herself, she makes the most of the company she's in, playing dances for the young people, dancing herself with all the young men present, and with her brother.

And Elizabeth is even nicer to him than ever, a rather disconcerting situation to be in, to know the truth, and at the same time be spoiled by his wife out of guilt for leaving him in the dark. It makes being left out so much more real, it feels like rubbing it in. If only she doesn't go too far being nice, he so loves her to be pert to him, and yes, occasionally very bossy.

Of course that is just an act to her, though his need for it is very real. But the next time that strange mood hits him and he feels the need to give himself up to her completely, she reacts so strongly it almost seems real to her, too.

It starts during dinner, he is sitting next to Elizabeth, talking to Mrs and Mr Hurst, the latter of whom has taken quite a fancy to Elizabeth lately, or more probably from the start but daring to show it only since her marriage to Darcy has given her a certain standing, and who certainly shows his preference now.

Though he knows Elizabeth sees Mr Hurst merely as entertainment from an unexpected quarter, and maybe a kind of ally among the opposition, he still feels a flash of irritation at the man's open admiration of his wife.

Is his sudden overpowering urge to humble himself to Elizabeth his subconscious' punishment for his own scornful jealousy? It cannot be atonement towards Elizabeth, for embarrassing her in public does not make up for a despicable feeling that is so well-hidden only she can even discern it.

'Mrs Darcy,' says Mr Hurst, 'I know you prefer a hearty dish to one of these dainties, but this French duck's liver pâté is so exquisite, I am not below begging you to taste it. You'll love it, I'm sure.'

'Elizabeth my love, will you please taste the pâté quickly? I don't think I could bear it if anyone but me got to beg you for anything.'

The way she looks at him nearly frightens him in this mood, she is as close to anger as he has ever seen her, which gives him a thrill of anticipation and yes, pleasure.

'Mr Darcy!' she says, 'may I speak to you outside this room for a moment?'

Now he's going to get it, she's not even trying to shush him at the table, but admonishes him aloud right there and then, she must be livid!

He gets up and walks towards the exit, part penitently, partly very excited at what is to come. Will she yell at him? Or merely talk to him seriously?

Everyone is looking at them, Elizabeth does not excuse herself to Mr Hurst, who will not get to beg her after all. Good.

The moment they get to the hall, she takes hold of his collar and pushes him to a seat forcefully, he didn't expect her to do anything physical and stumbles and nearly falls altogether, but her hold on his coat just barely helps him to sit down instead.

She straddles him, and releasing his collar grabs him by the back of the neck and kisses him, also with force. He can hardly breathe with excitement.

'The servants will be talking away gladly anyway, so you may as well enjoy it. You want to beg me for anything?'

'Yes, please, Elizabeth, may I sit at your feet? Just you and me?'

Before he knows it, she has pulled him up again, and she leads him to the private little sitting-room, where she sits down in the largest chair, and he sinks to the ground at her feet.

'Will you scold me for making a scene?' he asks in a small but rather expectant voice.

'Of course I will, Mr Darcy, how dare you behave that way in public? When will you get the better of your jealousy? What has Mr Hurst ever done to you for you to act out that way? He didn't mean that literally!'

'I'm sorry, Elizabeth, I don't know what came over me.'

'I know, love, you're forgiven. You may sit in the chair and take me in your lap.'

That's too soon! He's not done with this by far, but Elizabeth is distracted, she has something on her mind. He cannot refuse her order, though, so he lifts her easily, and soon he has her in his arms, his face in her bosom, and she is stroking his hair. He sighs and relishes her closeness.

'Now tell me, Fitzwilliam, what brought that on? In public? Have you gone mad? You're still not back to yourself, are you? Have I upset you somehow? You've sure upset me, giving Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley food for weeks of gossip. Mr Hurst is probably jealous of you right now, so you've gotten your way, now I want mine, speak up.'

She's truly out of sorts now, and rightly so, she didn't do anything to set him off.

'I really don't know what came over me, Elizabeth, I'm truly sorry to have upset you. You did play along perfectly.'

'I was afraid you'd act out even more if I didn't. I knew you'd obey my bossy voice to continue this somewhere private.

You really don't know why you want to be bossed around?'

'Maybe I need a certain amount of pertness from you, and if you're too nice something in me acts out to get it?'

'I've been as insolent to you as ever, haven't I? No wait, I haven't. I've been trying to please you, because I knew you felt bad about my sharing confidences with your sister. But love, you know I can't tell you, if Georgiana cannot confide in me, whom can she trust?'

'My mind knows she needs you, Elizabeth, but my heart feels so left out. You're the two people I love most in this world, and yet it's as if you don't trust me. How can I ignore that?

I'm sorry I didn't just tell you, I suppose I didn't even realise I felt that strongly, and I don't expect you to betray your confidence. It's just so hurtful, how can it be that I love you both so much, and still it doesn't seem to be enough?'

'It may sound callous to you, love, but this has nothing to do with you or me. Nor with Georgiana's love for you, you know she loves you more than anyone, and you know I love you more than anyone.

Will you be angry with me, Fitzwilliam, if I put it to you that this is not about belonging, but about control? Over me, and over your sister? You like me to be bossy sometimes, and you are tickled that Georgiana has started to develop some teeth, giving Wickham his due, but in the end you are the one in control, you are the one who owns everything, the person Georgiana has to ask for permission to lead her life as she wants to.

Can you blame her for keeping certain things from you? Your power over her is as total as your power over me, except I chose to deliver myself to you because I love you, I made my own decision to put myself in your power.

But Georgiana needs to make her own decisions, and your power over her already influences her choices. If she were to confide in you, tell you all her doubts, all her insecurities, you'd want to make those decisions for her, to spare her the agony, but still the choice would be made and she'd accept it out of habit and love for you, and live with the consequences ever after.'

Angry, no. Devastated is a better term. Elizabeth put herself in his power? Feels herself ruled by him? That cannot be true, can it? He has always treated her as an equal, hasn't he? He cannot help the way the law works, or that the fortune is his, can he?

Struck completely dumb, Darcy cannot think of anything better to do than hide his face in his beloved's neck, inhaling her exquisite and familiar scent, clutching her to his chest as if he expects her to wring loose and leave him.

Her silence and her nearness calm him a tiny bit, she's stroking him again, she does love him more than anyone, and after some thinking, he realises she is right about Georgiana. He does feel a need to control her future, to protect her from poverty or being hurt. Knowing she is probably starting to fall for Mr Fielding, he was already planning to secure her fortune from him, he never even considered letting Georgie decide for herself. And he still cannot imagine himself letting go of his power over his sister altogether, he still needs to contemplate the implications of her future with a man who is not landed gentry, but merely supremely gifted and a very good person.

But Elizabeth? He has never tried to rule her, never! It's just not fair of her, how can he ever explain to her he feels so very safe and loved when she commands him? It's not a game to him, not a way to make their loving more interesting, it's a need deep inside him that sometimes surfaces, and that lies dormant for weeks after she has let him lie at her feet, stroking him as she does now, comforting him, taking the constant burden of those who depend on him from his shoulders for a few moments.

'Love?'

She's worried, he's been totally motionless for minutes.

'Love, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say those things like that, I mean, I meant what I said about Georgiana, you do control her life, maybe without meaning to, but you do and don't think anything of it.

But you've never once tried to rule me. That was unfair of me, and unworthy, after all you suffered for me. I know you love me, and I love you more than anything.

Will you please say something? Anything?'

He doesn't want to move, he feels safe here, he wants to stay like this forever, but he is upsetting his beloved further, after he has made a fool of himself in public and upset her immensely. Looking up, he can see tears in her eyes, he needs to be totally honest now, or she'll think his silence was a ploy to break her to his will, to get his way.

'You were right, about Georgie. I still think I have a right to rule her, decide her life for her, protect her from anything that might hurt her. I will need some time to get my head around the fact that she will get hurt some day, that it is my task not to protect her from it, but to teach her to cope, or to reach out to for help when it happens.'

A crushing embrace proves her whole heart is in this, and she covers him in kisses.

'But Elizabeth, love of my life, lying at your feet is not a game I like to play, it is the only way I can fulfil some great need inside me, lay down the burden of my responsibilities for a few moments, feel totally safe and protected, by you, my love. You're so strong and independent, when you control me I can let go, show my weakness to the only person I can truly trust. Please don't be angry at me, my love, I cannot bear it, I need you so much, I want you by my side always.'

She must believe him, though he cannot look at her to see if that is true.

'You know you can share those responsibilities with me before they get the better of you, beloved. But somehow I did know it was important to you, my love, to have me boss you around, and I'll keep doing it to you if you want me to, even in public, if that's what you need.

Please forgive me for accusing you unfairly of trying to control me, you've treated me with nothing but love and respect, Fitzwilliam. It was your boundless power over your sister that riled me up, but of course that doesn't influence my love for you, my affection is yours and yours alone.'

Resting his head in her bosom, Darcy finds his peace with his beloved's sudden anger, now fortunately put to rest, but only temporarily, unless he changes his attitude towards Georgie, radically.

But even if he doesn't, her love is his, it is not conditional, she will love him and support him regardless. Although he knows she'll fight him all the way if he keeps trying to rule Georgie's life.

Neither of them has an idea of how long they've been there, when a timid knock sounds on the door.

'Can I please come in? We're all worried, Fitzwilliam, what came over you?'

A muffled voice sounds through the thick door.

It's Georgie.

A quick look at Elizabeth shows she has no objections against her sister entering the room.

'Do come in, Georgie.'

She walks towards them and stands before them, then accuses them both.

'You've quarrelled! Your first quarrel. And it was over me, wasn't it? I shouldn't have forced you to keep a secret from the man you love, Elizabeth, it's too much to ask from both of you, I'm sorry.

Have you made up? You look awful, both of you, good, that'll teach you not to fight, you love each other, fighting can only hurt you, nothing good ever comes of it.'

'I beg to differ, my sweet sister, though for about ten minutes it hurt worse than anything except Miss Elizabeth Bennet's rejection, it most certainly did accomplish something very important. Not that I ever want to feel like that again, I'm cured of quarrelling, the making up just doesn't compensate for the pain suffered.'

'Oh my love, you didn't even quarrel. Don't let him fool you, Georgiana, he was entirely blameless for this thing turning into a drama. It was my fault, I was unreasonable and said some harsh things, most of them undeserved. I'm so sorry, love, I hope your fears are laid to rest, I love you so much, I cannot live without you either.'

Georgiana now looks doubtful.

'Are you sure, Elizabeth? I did witness my brother behaving scandalously, and to the public eye you merely shut him down rather effectively and discreetly. Of course it will be all over London within the week, Mr Darcy of Pemberley being undeservedly jealous of his beautiful young wife, and the selfsame wife calling him to order with a single sentence.'

They both look at Georgiana instantly, and Darcy voices both their thoughts.

'Jealous?'

'Yes, Mr Hurst said you told him off for being too intimate towards your lady wife, and Mrs Hurst says she didn't hear what was said, she was not going to listen to her husband flattering another man's wife and was busy talking to Jane next to her until she heard Mrs Darcy take her husband to task in such a tone as was impossible to ignore.'

'You didn't tell him off, did you, Fitzwilliam? You looked as if you were in the process of throwing yourself at Elizabeth's feet when she stopped you just in time. I heard her call you Mr Darcy, and that is not a good sign, outside the bedroom that is. You'd better thank Mr Hurst on your bare knees for lying to protect your reputation, and I hope Mrs Hurst really didn't hear whatever you said.

Now, you both look terrible, I'll make excuses for you and have some dinner sent up to your room for you.

And to prevent further quarrelling between the two of you, Fitzwilliam, I will tell you exactly what I told Elizabeth.

Since our evening in London, dear brother, I'm starting to have tender feelings towards Eric. You know him as Mr Fielding.

And I beg you to let your quarrels about this be with me, not with him. That would break my heart, he has been through enough, and he cannot help my falling in love with him.'

She turns on her heels, ready to storm out, but Elizabeth nudges him ungently.

'Georgie, please stay a moment longer.'

She turns around, fear of his reaction all over her beautiful features. Fear of him. In his sister. What to say to ease it?

'We did quarrel about you, Georgie, Elizabeth accused me of ruling your life, and she was right.

I will stop trying to control your life. Please don't be afraid of me, I love you so much. I thought I knew best what was good for you, but Elizabeth forced me to face what your expression just proved: I didn't, I merely made you fear my power over you.

I'll work on it, you take your time to sort your feelings, and tell me what to do. Until then, I'll do nothing at all. Can I have a hug? I feel like I've been pulled through a wringer. Slowly.'

'Now I'm not fit to be seen either, we'll have to send Fanny or Simon to excuse all three of us.'

Georgiana is crying silently, but with all her doubt and fears behind it, and embraces her brother and sister all in one, until Elizabeth makes way for her and Darcy can take his sister in his arms and try to console her for the fear he caused her.

And you know what? Elizabeth is so small, she fits on his other knee, he wants her close too, being a tall man has its advantages after all.

'I'm so sorry my ladies, to make such a fuss over something so unimportant.'

'You find my falling in love with a penniless pianist unimportant?'

Georgiana is back to herself instantly, and sounds more than a little insulted.

'Of course not, Georgiana, my baby-sister falling in love with anyone is big news. But I had already concluded you had learned to love him, from all kinds of little things I observed.

I made the fuss about not being told, I really did feel left out, you know. I love you both so much, to have you form a pact against me is so painful.'

'You knew?'

Elizabeth is stunned.

'And you didn't get angry?'

And Georgiana not less so.

'Of course not, I like Mr Fielding a lot, and I admire him. And he is so appropriate, to love you and hide it so well. I really didn't catch him at it until you held his hand to let him feel that exercise, Georgie, and then I only noticed because I was watching him intently for just such a sign of admiration.

But I must admit it will take some getting used to to consider him as my brother-in-law.'

'I'm not ready to think of marriage at all, Fitzwilliam, I'll be seventeen next month, that is way too young to leave you, I still have so much to learn!

Still, it will be a kind of relief to have you know about it, I've been so scared to slip up and call him Eric before you, and have you throw him out.'

'When I promised him he could come to live with us if circumstances were against him, I knew he loved you, and I knew there was a chance you'd one day return his affection. I'm not going to ruin his prospects for that.'

'Thank you so much, Fitzwilliam, now I'm looking forward to Christmas, and all our visitors, and I promise you, until I know exactly what my feelings are, I will not tell him or let him know about all this, everything will be just as it was for a while, we'll get to know each other better slowly.

I'm leaving you by yourselves, I'm going to my own room for an hour. I have some thinking to do. I'll ring for Fanny and have her tell Jane or Bingley we'll be joining them for supper. Agree?'

'Yes, dear Georgiana,' Elizabeth says fondly, 'we'll take an hour, too, then go back downstairs. But for now, we need to be together, your brother and I. We have some making up to do.'