NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: Before you dive into my passion project, I must make note of a few things. I refer to this fic as 'canon compliant' but I'm sure many of you will notice that the very premise of the story is technically non-compliant because of the Ahsoka novel. I have nothing against the author of this novel, but I take into consideration the fact that the novel was published before season 7 of the clone wars was released. This season to me is the most important season when it comes to Rex and Ahsoka's characters and their relationship. Therefore, I cannot consider the novel to be in the spirit of canon, which might sound pretentious, because it is, but I simply don't think the story would have been written the way it was had the author had seen what happened between Rex and Ahsoka in the season 7 finale. It's just not fair to them as characters to dismiss what had happened between them, which is what the novel does, in essence. Rex is barely mentioned at all, and their traumatic experience together weighs very very very little on Ahsoka's mind. Much too little. And so, as I was dissatisfied with the idea that their relationship fizzled into obscurity until they reunited almost two decades later in Rebels, I said "well frick that" and wrote a version that to me, does more with those moments we were gifted in season 7. Thank you for accepting my bias and delusions. Please enjoy.
Prologue: Make the Call
Abafar: 145 days after Order 66
Rex hit the ground, rebounded, and then hit the ground again. He rolled, the sounds of his armor smacking against the ground just as loud as the blaster fire streaking over his head. Rex's eyes closed in reflex. An explosion sent a wave of violent heat over him. His bike. So it was really over then. He wasn't going to make it.
Rex's body finally came to a rest, but his mind was far from being in the same state.
Get up. Maybe there is still a chance.
Rex ignored the protests of his body and pushed himself up. He looked towards the orange horizon and saw the three other speeder bikes continuing on their path towards the Marauder. He turned in the opposite direction and saw four land speeders in pursuit, each occupant aside from the driver overwhelming the air with the sharp sound of blaster fire.
Rex's face felt a hot breeze, and he realized that his helmet had come off. But the helmet didn't matter. If he got up right now and ran, maybe he could make it.
Just wait for me. Turn back.
But he knew that it was impossible. Dozens of Imperials were chasing them down. If his allies turned back now, even one of them, then no one would make it.
A blaster bolt flew past Rex's ear. He flinched and scrambled towards a tangle of broken mining equipment. He wedged himself into a gap between two excavators. A few more bolts hit the metal and produced a shower of sparks which stung his face. But then the red flashes turned back towards the fleeing bikers.
That's when he saw it. A single biker had stopped and had pulled their back wheel a quarter turn so that they could look back. Rex knew who it was.
Rex lifted his wrist to speak into his comm but found that it was crushed and sparking. He said the words anyway. "Leave, go." Blaster fire concentrated on the biker, and she returned fire.
She was half a klick away, but he could feel her blue eyes burn into his.
Words floated into his mind.
I can't. I won't.
"You have to."
Ahsoka took a half dozen more shots at the approaching enemies, and Rex heard the grunts of a few men. The landspeeder that no longer had a driver careened forward into the ground. Ahsoka flinched and used her unnatural reflexes to dodge pieces of land speeder and dirt from the following explosion.
Rex was on his hands and knees, blinking blood and sweat out of his eyes.
"Go." He growled. He knew she would. She learned to make those calls. This one was text book. You never go back for a man if doing so risks the entire operation. The squad. The mission. And nothing was more important than this mission. Nothing. Not even him.
She knew all this. He knew all this. Yet when she finally turned and sped away, all Rex could feel was the wrenching agony of abandonment.
Chapter 1: Static
Ciutric IV: 27 Days after Abafar; 10 Days After Daro
"What's that thing doing here?"
The words clattered against Rex like dirt after an explosion. Not lethal. Easy to brush off. Slightly irritating, but enough to put him on edge. Enough to remind him that at any moment he could be blown apart.
He felt very close to coming apart.
"I'm not going anywhere, thanks." Rex didn't look up from his drink. He had caught a glimpse of the unsightly blue mass as he entered the cantina earlier in the evening. It took less than his peripheral vision to realize that it was this glob that had shuffled up behind him to deliver his list of grievances against clones, the war, the Republic. The odor had given him away, along with his wheezing.
The Twi'lek gargled in displeasure. He heaved his gargantuan body forward in an impressive display of mobility for someone his size and slapped his fleshy arms onto the bar counter beside Rex. The small face, pinched by rolls of unwanted fat, leered at him. Rex's breath caught in his throat as the smell hit him full on: a foul concoction of organic odors that reminded Rex of infection and dampness.
The Twi'lek was gasping, from exertion and emotion. "I know what you are!" He pointed a grub-like finger towards Rex.
A jolt of surprise and anxiety made Rex's cheeks feel hot. His first thought was to call for extraction. His wrist jerked involuntarily. He reminded himself that he had no backup. Every frequency he had tried over the last 27 days had been dead silent.
Rex blinked rapidly, unsure what to do.
He only sees you as a clone. He is just looking for trouble. Ignore him and he'll go away.
Though Rex's small finger shook ever so slightly as he raised his Pantoran Glass-Whiskey, he kept his face military cool, unreadable.
"Go bother someone else."
The Twi'lek made more gurgling sounds of annoyance. "I know what you are. You're one of those disgusting clones." The Twi'lek persisted.
Rex was repulsed by the wetness in the man's voice. It caused shivers of anxiety to roll down his spine. His heart felt like it was bursting out of his chest.
He's not a threat. He's not a threat. He's just drunken and angry. Hold on to what's real. Like she taught you.
And he knew that it couldn't be real that a random Twi'lek on a remote outer rim planet could hurt him. He couldn't do anything to him.
"Go back to your drink, Twi'lek"
The Twi'lek tried to move his face closer to Rex's, but his gut was getting in the way. Spittle sprayed from his mouth. "Are you ashamed, clone? Ashamed to look into the eyes of one of the victims of your betrayal. LOOK ME IN THE FACE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU."
Rex squeezed his eyes shut and his head pulled back instinctively as the yell crashed into him on a wave of putrid breath. Again his wrist pulled up towards his face. He wanted to call for back-up. He needed someone to get him out. He couldn't handle this. He was going to break. He could feel it. He was too hungry, too tired. Too broken from nights spent alone listening to static.
"You're a traitor! You're a kriffing traitor! You're a Jedi murderer!"
Rex went cold. The Twi'lek's words ignited a fuse. A fuse to his pent up anger, anxiety, paranoia. His anguish and shame. It had happened many times before. But this was the first time he had been alone. All those other times he had had her with him.
Remember what she told you. You are yourself. No one is in your mind anymore but you. And her.
No, she wasn't there anymore. She had left him alone in his mind as well. Left him on that planet. Left him in his mind. There was only static. Nothing but static.
Rex felt like he was crashing forward. That gut wrenching feeling of taking a step only to find no ground, of reaching for a weapon that wasn't there, of talking to someone only to turn and find they were gone, sent him spiraling down a path that led to fear and terror. Animalistic. Instinctive.
Rex's eyebrows twitched. He was looking hard into his glass. His heart rate accelerated. He could feel it pounding in his head like a barrage of shock waves. In desperation he pulled from his memories, remembering her words, and trying to make them work for him as they did before.
You are yourself.
But it was like expecting warmth from the touch of a corpse.
Images invaded his mind in flashes. Ahsoka's frightened, confused eyes. Blue, like the 501st. His brothers firing at him. Maul ripping through his men. The shrieking of metal ripping apart. His brothers scattered on the ground like bits of shrapnel. Helmets lined up on posts.
Rex turned to face the Twi'lek at last, hoping the shock of his repulsive features would throw him a lifeline, help ground himself in the here and now.
You're in the Dug Brotherhood catina on Ciutric IV. It's been 172 days since the crash. You are not in any real danger you are-
Realization crashed into Rex like live ordnance.
The Twi'lek's snarling face was familiar to him. The shock of it froze his mind, pausing the explosive chain reaction for just a moment.
"Senator Taa?"
Senator Taa should be on Ryloth. Not here. Rex felt dizzy. His eyes drifted over the Senator's face, not seeing him. Had he been wrong? How many days had it been since the crash? The war was over, right? He wasn't actually on Ryloth, was he? He couldn't be. Panic rose in his chest. He stood up abruptly. Senator Taa squawked.
Rex's wrist twitched. He heard static in his mind.
"So you recognize me? You know who I am? Then you know what your betrayal took from me! The Empire took everything! All because of you." He shook his fists in a melodramatic fashion.
Rex turned to Senator Taa, his face turning numb. Rex's elbow drifted back slowly, his reflexes eager for his blaster. "No. No, I didn't betray anyone. It wasn't our fault!" His voice escalated along with his panic.
Taa laughed, his pinched features becoming nothing more than slits. "Not your fault? You destroyed the Jedi without hesitation. I saw the Jedi Temple burn. And now look at me. Look what I've become!" He spat at Rex. The glob hit his cheek.
"NO." Rex pulled out his pistols. He vaguely registered the sound of his glass smashing on the floor. He elbowed Senator Taa in the nose and kicked the Twi'lek hard in the chest. Taa squealed pathetically and grabbed a barstool in an attempt to steady himself, but it squeaked and buckled under his weight and he fell to the floor.
Rex pointed his pistols at Taa.
Stop this. Stop it now. You're losing control.
"No." He whispered to himself. "I'm taking control."
Taa whimpered and brought his hands to his chest. "Please, no, don't hurt me!"
Rex's hands shook. People around him were backing away, not wanting to get involved. He was aware of all the eyes on him, and he felt like he was being crushed, like he was sucked into the vacuum of space.
What control? Remember when you pointed your blasters at her? Remember when you fired?
He had to get to safety. But he was paralyzed by the images racing in his mind, the thoughts, the flurry of emotions.
You betrayed her. And your brothers betrayed you. And the Jedi. They are all dead. All of them!
"Someone, help! Someone stop him! He's going to kill me! They're murderers, all of them!"
Rex's thoughts rushed into his head like a barrage of lasers.
You were going to murder her. You were a murderer. Maybe you still are.
"I'm not- I'm not a murderer." Rex's voice wavered. He was losing himself like the times before. His mind was being overshadowed with something else, something that wasn't him.
How do you know there isn't another chip in your head? One that will make you kill everyone?
There was a rustle next to him and a thud, followed by the whine of a blaster being charged.
It was the Dug bartender. He had jumped up on the counter beside Rex. "Put the pistols down, clone. I don't want you wrecking my cantina."
This is why you can't feel her anymore. You're alone. You're alone because she can't trust you.
When Rex didn't move or reply, the Dug nudged Rex with the barrel of his blaster.
Rex's reflexes kicked in before he could stop them. He wheeled around and knocked the dug's blaster upward. It discharged, but the round flew into the light fixture above. Sparks showered down on them. The sudden noise caused people to start yelling. Movement occurred all around Rex.
No. No. NO.
Rex quickly counted how many people were between him and the door. He clicked his blasters to stun.
It's in my head again. IT'S IN MY HEAD.
It was over. His mind was stuck in a rut there was no getting out of. He fired his blasters. His left at the Dug, his right at the sniveling Twi'lek. More people screamed and scurried. Rex pointed his blasters at those near him, continually switching targets.
Get out. Get it out. GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.
"OUT OF THE WAY!" They didn't need to be told twice. They parted quickly. His escape route secure, he backed out of the cantina, his pistols still moving from face to face, each stricken with panic. He reached the door, kicked it open, and ran.