Chapter 65

Except for nearly losing his control, and his inability to tell off a paid woman, practically a girl, Eric doesn't regret this evening, it's taught him a lot about human nature in general, and gentility specifically. They seem mostly bored with life and eager for amusement, but generally not truly bad, except for Grenfell, who really doesn't respect anything or anyone, except Manners.

When he finally hits his bed he falls asleep instantly, exhausted with impressions and plain fatigue, he has been playing for hours on end. His sleep is dreamless, or maybe he dreams of the gorgeous Clementi, bought by a boorish gentleman to lure an unsuspecting gentle lady into a very weird and depressing situation.

But at the very least he doesn't dream of, or remember dreaming of, the enticing shape of the woman on his lap, kissing his face, her thighs giving his suppressed male feelings bad ideas.

The next morning everyone does appear for breakfast, but most of the gentlemen, and the lady of the house, look much the worse for wear. Only Lascelles and Manners seem at all awake, and Eric guesses that to the rest he must look disgustingly healthy and fresh-faced.

In fact he is very happy, for he is going back home today, to people with solid principles, who treat each other with dignity, and where he can be almost himself. Home. Is he fooling himself? Probably, but he will relish those moments with Georgiana and her kind family nonetheless.

But before their carriage is announced, he will play the Clementi one more time, and make sure he leaves it behind in tune.

It needs only a little adjusting to sound perfect once more, and he puts in an hour of practice on his new study piece. He knows the widow will be there, and indeed she is. Of course she wants to hear every shred of superior music she can, and somehow they need to talk in private for a few moments.

As he looks up from his sheet music, he finds her sitting exactly where he expects, in total silence, as he had requested yesterday, looking less wrung out than one would expect from her state of intoxication yesterday.

'My maid has a certain herb-tea that helps tremendously. None of the gentlemen ever ask how I manage to recover so quickly, so we merely let them suffer.

Manners didn't pick you up in a bar, did he?'

Eric shakes his head.

'Frankly, I don't think Manners has ever been to a bar. And your name isn't Philip either.'

'Not my first name, no.'

'Well, I'm merely glad I got to enjoy your playing, when you're famous I'll try to come and visit one of your concerts. Will you play that haunting piece for me once more? The one you played just after the first tuning, not the jangly thing, though that was very beautifully done as well.'

The music that is currently taking shape in his mind. Of course she should never have heard that, it's way too private still. But what does it matter, she must be desperately unhappy here, despite forcing her will on her son.

'I will, though it's very personal. Will you consider having your son buy you your own little place in London when he gets married? There are beautiful parks there, and there is art, music, theatre, something different to enjoy every night.'

'I suppose you are right. I don't really want to leave my garden behind, Bertie will have it torn down as soon as I turn my heels, but summer lasts only a few months, and the rest of the year I am bored to death. I will consider it, Philip, thank you very much for caring. I hope your love will soon be rewarded with the young lady's hand. She must be very special to inspire such beautiful music.'

Incredible, how one finds those who truly feel music everywhere and anywhere. But since there is not much to be said in reply, Eric starts to play. It will be slightly different this time, it's still evolving, and the Clementi is not perfectly suited to the melancholy music, its sound too fresh, too clear, but this lady needs some heartening, she's still young enough to live life, not stay stuck in the past.

They shake hands afterwards, in the presence of Manners, who has come to fetch him for their return journey.

'I will not tell Bertie that your bar-pianist is actually a rising star, Manners, but I expect an invitation once he's reached a certain eminence. And take care whom you match my son to, he was such a sweet boy, and he still has his good points, but he needs firm management. I'm thinking of moving to London, I'll hate to leave my garden, but I suppose I like being entertained better, and who is going to keep my son from mischief when I'm gone?'

Manners is clearly startled by Mrs Grenfell's penetrating remark, he probably sees things differently, but it's also very obvious the idea of Grenfell getting rid of his mother's dominance appeals to him.

'We can but try, Mrs Grenfell. I'm sure you'll love London, there are places bordering a park, you know, and some have large gardens. It's all a matter of how much dear Bertie is willing to spend to make his mother comfortable.'

Get rid of her, Manners means, and the lady knows it, but she ignores her son's friend as few others can.

'Are you ready to leave, Philip?' Manners asks.

'I am, though I will regret leaving the Clementi behind. Still, it cannot be helped.

Good bye, Mrs Grenfell, see you in London some day, maybe next winter?'

'It may be before then, if I am to get a house with a garden, I want to spend a summer having it made over to my exact liking.'

As they walk to the carriage, their luggage having been loaded already, Manners expresses his admiration.

'Do you have any idea what you just did, Eric? Grenfell has been desperate to get his mother out ever since his father died, but she refused resolutely, not wanting to let go of the good times she had as lady of the house.

You've seen the garden, seen the furnishings, all hers, Grenfell has no life of his own, we think that has made him the person he is, always ruled by his overbearing mother.

What did you say to her?'

'I felt sorry for her, she's obviously very unhappy, drinking so much, having her son engage in such debauchery, she knows what's going on. I merely suggested she might be happier in London, with a house of her own and art, music and theatre available every single day of the week, all year around. She seemed to agree.'

'But she is right, Grenfell does need firm handling, and though it may seem strange to you, we're carefully considering whom he should marry.'

'And will the lady in question have a say in it?'

'She can refuse him, her brother will neither force her to accept him, nor forbid her to marry another. She seems eager, actually.'

'He raved at me last night about all kinds of things, like how he nearly caught Miss Darcy, but Mr Darcy put a stop to that. Do you really think she liked him?'

'I am quite sure she didn't. But though Darcy warning Grenfell off was a ploy to please his sister, make no mistake, Eric, Darcy will decide whom Miss Darcy will marry, there is little doubt about that.

He may be very pleasant and generous, Fitzwilliam Darcy is also a dominant man who will not accept his sister marrying below her, despite doing so himself.'

Is Manners on to him? Is this a warning to guard his heart?

'Grenfell suggested Mr Darcy would want his sister to marry you, Frederick. Imagine him feeling rather sad for Miss Darcy, such a sweet thing with a man who never looked at a woman twice, that is what he said.

Of course he was so inebriated he could barely stand. Frankly, I'm glad you and Lascelles didn't carry on like the rest, yesterday, it would have made me think less of you, I'm afraid.'

'So you noticed we didn't show much interest in the girls?'

'Actually, Lascelles did, to a certain point. It is not my position to judge him for fondling a paid woman's breasts when he only got engaged yesterday to a very genteel girl, but at least he did not take any of them upstairs.

You did not even look at one, as Grenfell said, though you talked to them easily enough. I suppose you were both busy keeping an eye on the proceedings.'

'We did that, Eric, but that is not all of it. Grenfell apparently is more observant than most, of course besides my friends, few other people see me in these situations. And I thought my friends were otherwise occupied, but it appears I was wrong in Grenfell's case.

I have a proposition for you, Eric, one that will benefit us both, but I will also have to make a confession to you which will undoubtedly shock you. By making it, I am putting myself in your power, and though you may feel angry for my being honest, I beg you not to take action against me until you've heard all of it.

Will you hear me out?

I merely want to offer you the chance to be with Miss Darcy, of which there is no hope for you at all under normal circumstances.'

Well, Eric is staggered already, and he cannot say anything for shock of Manners indeed knowing his feelings for Georgiana.

Manners does observe soothingly, 'It's not that obvious, Eric, most people will not have noticed, you're both hiding it well.

You know I have talked to Miss Darcy very often, and very openly, and this one time she professed she didn't love you, or anyone else, in that way. Then the next time I saw her she was absent-minded, confused, something had changed during the days she had spent mostly with you. I gathered she fell for you then, and I suppose you have been in love with her for some time already before that, though Miss Darcy never mentioned it.

But I am very certain Grenfell is speaking the truth about Darcy, Eric, he will not let you marry his sister, he will want her to make an advantageous marriage to a gentleman with connections.

As Grenfell deduced, like me. In fact, I've asked Mr Darcy to allow me to pay court to his sister, even though she is rather young to be married.'

Of course Eric feels the ground drop beneath his feet, all his hopes have been in vain, as he knew from the start. They will be separated forever. At least she'll have a chance at happiness with Manners. His mind reels with devastation and a rising feeling of intense loss.

'So you're not the kind of man to rage in the face of adversity. You merely go to pieces.

I'm not your rival, Eric.'

Manners sounds so calm, so understanding.

'Grenfell doesn't know by half how right he is about myself and women, if he knew he'd kill me. I hope you are more understanding or I'll regret telling you this, I did not choose to be this way any more than you chose to fall in love with a gentle lady miles above you.

I do not love Miss Darcy. I can never love a woman, believe me I've tried, but I just cannot bring myself to love them.

Now you are getting angry, but please hear me out, I do not plan to play with Miss Darcy's feelings. I do not want to marry her for her money or her name, this is where my proposal comes into play.

I want Miss Darcy and myself to enter a marriage, yes, but not of love, of convenience, for the outside world and to get a few heirs.

For I love just as desperately as you do, Eric, and just as forbidden, even more so, at least your love for Miss Darcy would be seen as natural. It was even in the papers, I did see it, I pretended not to, to try and spare you the embarrassment.'

Eric can no longer feel anger or anything else, he is totally numb with shock. And Manners swallows audibly, he looks positively vulnerable, a sad sight, such a strong man brought to despair.

'I may be a respected gentleman, Eric, but I love as hopelessly as you.

My love for Simon would get both him and me ostracised from society, public shaming, physical abuse, even imprisonment or being murdered would be our fate.'

Of course. Simon. Who said his feelings of love just went to waste. In love with a man, a gentleman, as much above him as Miss Darcy is over Eric.

'Good, you haven't spat on me yet. But you look singularly thoughtful, Eric, do you despise me now?'

'That's not it, Frederick, I'm still shocked at your assurance that Mr Darcy will not even consider letting Georgiana marry me, even if she loves me as much as I love her.

And some other things just fell into place in my mind, things Simon told me. I feel for both of you, of course, but something Simon said still doesn't make any sense.

You tell me you love him desperately, he seems as far gone in love as you are, but insecure about your feelings for him. He told me he envied me my ability to put my feelings in music, his just went to waste, taking the morsels of kindness thrown at him and trying to survive on them.'

'Simon doubts me? Why? I worship him, his beauty, his intelligence, his abilities. And he's so good to me, always.'

'He's a servant, Frederick, you're a gentleman, he could be a way to pass your holidays pleasantly. Servants get treated that way.'

Well, this is a singular bit of news. Manners not after Georgiana at all. Of course it doesn't make things one bit easier, but Eric'd do anything to be with Georgiana.

Even love a woman who is married to another? And live with two men who are in love? Would they hold hands and kiss where Georgiana could see it?

None of them could ever hold hands in public, not with the person they loved.

'That thought hurts, I thought I showed my love clearly, I thought he trusted me. There has been another before him, but not like my friends and those paid women. I don't do that, like you don't.

Nor does Lascelles. He was checking up on the staff, find out whether Grenfell was taking advantage of their maids. But apparently Mrs Grenfell has enough clout to stop her son from committing such abominations at home.

So you don't hate me, Eric?'

'I don't, Frederick, though I don't want Georgiana to marry anyone but me, I suppose you understand that. But I do feel for you, and for Simon. I like him, he has been very good to me, very understanding and helpful. I wondered why he was single and so sad about it when he could have any girl he liked with his looks and his steady position.'

'I will fall on my knees before him and apologise for not declaring my everlasting love to him before. Then I will declare him my everlasting love, and beg him to stay with me if I manage to find a way to do so.

If Miss Darcy accepts my offer for a marriage of convenience, I want to ask Mr Darcy to let me take over his patronage of you, and I'll beg him to let me hire Simon as my personal valet, and we can all live on my estate together and be with the person we love best in this world.'

'Won't that cause a lot of gossip?' Eric asks, confused to the extreme and in need of some contemplation of what such an arrangement would mean.

'Horrible gossip, which is why we would start by travelling the continent together and making you the best pianist ever. My current valet would leave me if he knew I was going to travel, giving me a perfect excuse to hire a new one. And my staff cannot gossip if I'm not around.

By the time we returned I'd have a reason to be close to Simon, you know men often are very close to their valet, though some personal servants abuse that intimacy by gossiping even more.

Strangely enough, what you do with my wife is my business, and would cause much less outrage, even if it were to become known.'

But that doesn't sound at all right to Eric. Having an affair with someone else's wife? The love of his life married to another?

'My head is spinning, Frederick, I need to think this over really well. Of course I swear I will not breathe a word to anyone, not even Simon if you don't want me to.'

Manners is obviously relieved to hear Eric's mild reaction, but frankly, he hasn't completely registered everything, yet. Two men together? In love? How is that possible? Does Mr Darcy suspect?

All Eric's better feelings revolt against letting Manners marry Georgiana, though of course he knows he will not have the least influence on that event. But imagine them exchanging vows in front of witnesses, and Eric looking on, seeing the love of his life married to another man, who doesn't even love her? Who is yearning for a man while he kisses her. Can that be borne?

Can he bear leaving the life he has now? Altogether? For that is the only alternative, strike out on his own, build a life somewhere else. If Manners wants to marry Georgiana, he will, and she will be forced to live under his roof without love.

Eric will not be able to witness her unhappiness, he'd have to stay and love her in shame or be out of her life forever. To see his beloved as lonely as poor Mrs Grenfell, before her life has even truly started, would be too much to bear. Wouldn't that be too much to bear for Manners and Simon, too? Wouldn't that ruin their happiness, to see her pine away while being happy together?

She'd never take a lover, she's way too proud for that, and thus she'd spend her life surrounded by sweet and caring brothers, but without passion. Wouldn't Manners' proposal be better for all of them? Why bother with conventions, if he can have the love of his life, and she can be loved like a woman as well as a sister?

A voice breaks his thoughts.

'I'm sorry to do this to you, Eric. I've always known I wouldn't have a normal marriage, with a woman I loved and my own children to raise, I've had years and years to come to terms with that.

And now I'm just breaking this to you as bluntly as if I'm buying a loaf of bread, not making a life's decision. But please consider it, for it may be the only way you'll get to be with the woman who was obviously meant for you. You look so right together, lost to the world in your mutual love of music.

Imagine the fun you'll have translating those Bach-works from harpsichord to piano-forte, you'll both love it!'

He knew all along. It's just incredible, who else knows? Simon suspects, Eric is certain of that, is Mr Darcy already fuming inside at Eric's audacity? He didn't give the impression of being angry, he actually seemed rather sorry to see Eric go, even for a mere day and night.

And Mrs Darcy, does she pity Eric, in doubt whether to fight her domineering husband over his sister's right to marry below her class? Of course to lose out eventually, Mrs Darcy is s strong woman, but she's hardly more than a girl herself, while her husband is nearly ten years her senior and as self-assured as a landed gentleman can be.

'Can we please talk about something innocuous for the last few miles? I've upset you immensely, and you need to be composed when we get back.

What did you think of the instrument, did Lascelles choose well?'

That may be the one subject with any chance to distract Eric from the situation, and he does calm down and talks about the innovations in the Clementi, and the way it hold its tune much better, how he really wants to own a piano like that one day.

'It would travel well, too. Though it is not very well-suited to my own concerto, it lends itself better to virtuous works.'

They talk a little more about various subjects, and when the carriage halts before Mr Darcy's town house, Eric feels a bit better, still confused, but he can retreat to his own room immediately to lose himself in practise, whereas Manners must be as distraught, he has entrusted a relative stranger, a rival, actually, with a very dangerous secret after all, but he is company and needs to be entertaining.

Eric supposes Manners can greet Simon heartily, and probably sneak in his room at night, but they will never ever go anywhere as equals, they will never share their lives in public.

Of course if they accept Manners' proposal, Eric and Georgiana will not either. Maybe sharing disappointment makes it less poignant?