Chapter 70

Even when she is back in bed she cannot find sleep, so many impressions, her head is still spinning, she's glad she doesn't attend these occasions often, it would drive her crazy.

When she finally starts to feel herself drift off to sleep, a knock on her door startles her instantly back to wakefulness.

'Miss Darcy, are you still awake?'

That sounds like...like Simon!

Hopping out of bed and putting on a dressing gown, she opens the door very slightly, to find it is indeed Simon.

'Please, Miss, there is something very important I need to tell you. Will you let me in and hear me out?'

She must look her surprise, for Simon urges her, 'It's about Eric, Miss, please let me tell you.'

All right then, it's not entirely decent to let a man into her bedroom, but Simon is not likely to ravage her after all.

She leads him to her little seating area by the hearth, the fire is banked but it's warmer than elsewhere in the room.

'I'm still dressed, Miss, you better take your blanket with you in that chair, or you'll catch cold.'

That is sound advice, and anyway, Simon has known her since she was still a little girl, so he has some right to patronise her.

'Miss Darcy,' he says, when she is settled in her chair, 'what I'm going to tell you will shock you, and it will betray the confidence someone else has put in me.

But keeping my mouth shut firmly has allowed this to happen in the first place, so I can no longer justify my silence.

The thing is, Eric is planning to leave the house early tomorrow morning to head to Vienna. Vienna, Austria, Miss Darcy. He is going to leave you behind to go to the continent all by himself.

He firmly believes you two will not be allowed to marry, Mr Manners has assured him your brother will insist on your marrying a gentleman. I knew all the time that was not true, but I couldn't tell without betraying your confidence, and though it caused immense mischief, I still couldn't betray someone of my family.'

'But how do you know all that, Simon?'

He looks at her and continues, 'Please be patient, this is not easy to explain, nor is it easy to tell, for it puts someone I love in great danger.

With Eric out of the picture, in Vienna, Mr Manners is going to propose to you, not a normal marriage, but a marriage of convenience, for as you already suspect, he does not love you.

Miss Darcy, Mr Manners is like me, he doesn't love girls, he loves men. We've been having an affair from the moment we first met, and though I thought he was merely amusing himself with me, he has more or less confessed to me since then that he truly loves me, as you love Eric, Miss Darcy.

I loved him like that from the start, but you know I'm just a servant and he is a gentleman, I couldn't believe he could admire me as I admired him. But I digress.

The point is, Mr Manners wants you and him to marry, so no-one will suspect him of being involved with a man. He would invite Eric to come and live with him as his protégé, and hire me as his valet, and that way he'd have a decent marriage and children and so on and so forth, and at the same time both of you could be with the one you love best.

Except you can be with Eric without marrying someone else.

And now Eric is going to leave, waiting in Vienna for us three to join him there, Mr Manners planned that for Eric so he wouldn't have to witness your marriage to another man, but it's all for nothing for you can just tell Eric about the master's permission and he can stay.

So go to Eric now, Miss Darcy, and tell him you love him and have permission to marry him. And please don't tell anyone about Mr Manners, he stands to lose everything if anyone ever finds out he is who he is. I wouldn't have told you, but if I hadn't, he would have done it himself, when he proposed. He would not have married you without telling the truth, Miss Darcy, he is honourable.'

Georgiana cannot process all this startling information at once. Simon and Mr Manners? They were a bit more familiar than expected, but in love?

Of course Fitzwilliam hinted at Simon and something like this before they went to Netherfield, but Georgiana totally forgot.

Mr Manners was indeed working towards this marriage of convenience, that falls into place immediately.

But Eric, going off without saying goodbye? He would have left her just like that? That hurts!

'Miss Darcy, Georgiana, please go see Eric. He needs you, as you need him.'

'But I can't, Simon, it's indecent! I cannot go to a gentleman's room at night. Besides, if he looks at me in a certain way, I'll kiss him again, and who knows what will happen then? I can't do it, Simon, I'm not even seventeen years old, and a girl!'

Now Simon becomes even more serious.

'Do you want him to be gone in the morning? To only see him again if you marry Mr Manners? Oh, don't look at me like that, it's not that bad, you can probably have it sorted out, but in the meantime he'll be crushed.'

'No Simon, I don't. But I don't dare go to him all by myself, I cannot control myself, and that is not fair to him.'

'What if I come with you? And I leave as soon as it's safe? I have to confess to Frederick, he'll be gutted.'

'Yes, please, Simon, would you? I don't want Eric to be in agony, not even one minute. I don't want Mr Manners unhappy either, but I cannot think of anything I can do to help right now. Maybe later, when I've thought about it?'

'That is quite all right, Miss, Frederick can take excellent care of himself. You go make Eric happy, yes?'

'Yes.'

And so they sneak across the hall, Georgiana still in her dressing-gown with a blanket over her shoulders, Simon in his livery.

'I'm sorry you're unhappy, Simon.'

'Actually, Miss, I'm rather happy at the moment.'

'But you can never marry and have children.'

'I knew that from the time I was about ten, Miss, as did Frederick. We're very glad to have found someone of a like mind. He's fabulous, Miss, so calm and strong.'

'I know. I liked him from the first. He'll treat you well, and I hope he'll forgive you for this, but he must. For I would not have married him if he had asked me, even with Eric on the continent, I would have been angry at him for causing Eric more grief, and of course I would have expected him to set everything back to rights. He was mistaken about Fitzwilliam.'

By now, they have reached Eric's door, and behind it, all is silent. But that doesn't mean a thing, he's probably wide awake and suffering.

Georgiana knocks as silently as Simon did on her door.

She does not speak, however.

After two agonizing minutes the door opens, and Eric's face almost makes her laugh in its shock. He's in a dressing-gown as well.

'Georgiana? At this hour? Is something wrong?'

'No Eric, the exact opposite, something is much better than you think. I have wanted to tell you for a week, but I couldn't find the right words. Now Simon warns me I have to do it immediately or lose you.

Can I come in?'

Still startled, but soothed by Georgiana's calming words, he opens the door and lets them in.

'My fire is out, but I see you come prepared?'

'Yes, let's sit down.

Simon tells me you are leaving tomorrow for Vienna.'

Oh, poor Eric, it hurts him so much to leave, and still he would.

'I am, Georgiana, I have to leave, if I cannot marry you I cannot bear to be close to you. And I'm dragging you down with me, you'll be sick with love soon, and you don't deserve that. You need to find someone you can love and marry, not only love and ache for. I'm in agony, Georgiana, I cannot bear it if it starts to hurt you as badly.'

'But Eric, did you never wonder why I didn't hurt?'

'Your love is still fresh, it still has hope. But Frederick told me Mr Darcy would never allow you to marry beneath you.'

She just has to reach out and take his hand, he is such a pitiful sight, dark circles under his eyes, his hair all messed up around his dear white face. She desperately wants to kiss him, but she has to tell him the truth first.

'Mr Manners is wrong, Eric. My brother has come to the conclusion that since it's my life and I need to live it, I have to make my own decisions. I admit he had some help from Elizabeth, but the fact stands.

Even my cousin, who has joint custody over me until I'm twenty-one, has given me consent to marry where I choose. He said Fitzwilliam had actually threatened him to help me elope to Scotland with you, Eric.'

'He didn't!' Simon blurts out.

'He did. If my cousin says so, I believe him.'

It is all starting to dawn on Eric, though very, very slowly. He looks so wrung out, and he must feel so desperate. Georgiana wants to hold him really badly, exactly why she wanted Simon along.

'You can cuddle him a little, Miss Darcy, I'll see to it that everything stays proper for an engaged couple.'

'Engaged couple? You really mean we can actually get married?'

Somehow, Eric finally seems to hear what is being said, and the confusion on his beloved face does it for Georgiana, she just has to hold him, it must be all right if Simon says so.

Georgiana kneels in front of him, resting her face on his lap, still holding his hand.

After an initial shudder to have her so close, Eric very carefully strokes her hair and her face.

Looking up at him, she says, 'We can, Eric, that's what I was trying to tell you. No one will stop us from getting married. Please don't leave me, Eric, I don't think I can live without you. I've come to love you so much.'

Still a bit dazed, but starting to look hopeful now, Eric nevertheless looks at Simon for confirmation. That is rather annoying, as if he knows better than Georgiana. It's her life, isn't it?

'It's true, Eric. I knew, but I couldn't betray my mistress. Only tonight I realised things had gone too far. This has all been a big misunderstanding.'

Now Eric looks straight at Georgiana, wide awake, despair and hurt gone, passion and overwhelming love replacing it, making her feel very warm inside.

'You're in my spot, Georgiana. Please wait a second.'

And he gently lifts her off her knees and places her in the chair, almost reverently. Then he drops to his knees, still holding her hands.

His expression as he looks up at her is breathtaking. His mussed hair and the dark circles beneath his eyes just break her heart, though she knows his days of suffering are over.

'My beloved, after loving you without hope you make me almost too happy to speak. But will you truly trust your life to me, despite my humble origins?

Georgiana Darcy, will you marry me?

I have nothing to offer you but my love and my talent, and I feel almost ashamed to ask you to give up your sheltered life for what life with me will bring.'

'Yes, Eric, I want nothing more than to share my life with you and marry you. And don't be silly, I have thirty thousand pounds, we need never want for anything if we use them wisely. Don't worry, please.'

'My dearest Georgiana, you have such a way of soothing my fears! I am certain you will do incredibly well, you're so smart and you understand money much better than I do. I'll let you do the worrying, unless you need my help.

May I hold you now and kiss you?'

'Yes, my love, please, I love you so much, I have been yearning to have you do that.'

It is almost too much, to have this beautiful, sweet man take her in his arms and hold her against him, blanket dropping to the floor, his body strong and slim against her with just a thin dressing gown on both of them.

Finally she is in his arms where she so yearned to be, her gifted beloved, to lay her head on his chest, part of it bare due to him wearing such a skimpy garment, it has short hairs growing on it and it smells just delicious.

Another one of those sparks jumps to life inside her instantly, but this one is physical rather than solely in her mind, she wants to rub herself against him intimately, and stick her hand onto his dressing-gown to feel what is hidden beneath. And of course she wants those elegant, strong hands to explore the insides of her own dressing gown, a burning feeling she has never experienced before. This must be lust.

But then she feels a tiny touch on her hair, and she looks up to find his face really close to hers. Their lips meet, and this time it's not a mere brush, but a passionate kiss between two people violently in love.

It leaves both of them a bit stunned, and they sit down together for a long time, merely relishing their understanding, and looking forward to the future.

'Do you think you can control yourselves?' Simon now says softly. 'I think you can, and I really need to make a confession to Frederick, before he gives up on me and falls asleep.'

'We will behave decently, Simon,' Eric promises, 'I am absolutely exhausted and I need to sleep, we'll hold on to each other a little longer, and then we'll each go back into our own bed, dreaming of the future.

Please be good to him, he's been a really good friend to me, and I hope we can remain as close.'

'I'm sure you will, Eric, he didn't know, but he would have found out as soon as he spoke to Miss Darcy. Then I'm sure he would have moved heaven and earth to set things right. Good night you both, and congratulations.'

Can this be the sweet reality? Safe in Eric's arms, understanding reached, his pain taken away completely and replaced with happiness?

A glad voice seems to prove this, as Eric asks, 'May I call you all those sweet names out loud that welled up in me whenever I laid eyes on you? They've been right there on the tip of my tongue for so long, forcefully kept inside, waiting to burst forth.'

She looks up at him again to answer his request.

'You're not a creature of many words, are you, dearest, sweetest Georgiana? My love, my angel, beloved, girl of my dreams, the most beautiful, gifted woman that ever walked the earth, and she loves me, instead of one of all the rich, beautiful, talented men in the world, she chose me.

I've been miserable the last week, my love, but I've been the happiest man in the world, too. To find someone who feels and thinks the same way, with whom time spent is always total bliss, I did relish those moments together. And now we need not fear to be separated anymore, I can still hardly believe it, love.

I will see your brother second thing in the morning, though you say it's your decision I still feel a need to ask someone permission to marry you, our engagement wouldn't feel real without his consent.

But first I will pay Frederick a visit and make my apologies for not being able to accept his kind offer to send me to Vienna for further education. You are more important to me than my career as performer, besides, yesterday has given me a new confidence in my worth as composer, and I will take your excellent advice and explore that talent first.'

He has recovered so quickly from the difficult weeks he has behind him. To think he might have been married to Louise by now, doomed to play sonatas on Zumpe's latest innovations forever.

'Do you want to go to your own room and sleep, my love, or do you want us to sit down together for a few moments and talk a little? We can do that tomorrow, or any other day, but I'm so happy I can do another hour without sleep. Do you want me to tell you what Mr Manners and I did on Wednesday, instead of preparing for the charity ball as he told everyone? Mind you, you will be shocked.'

In that case, she must know, it must be exciting and a pretty good story to hear.

'Try me, Eric. I want to hear everything.'

'Some of it is rather embarrassing, not to Mr Manners, but some of the other guests. And, I'm ashamed to say, a little bit to me. You'll have to keep it to yourself, though, even from your brother and Mrs Darcy.'

Even better, a secret they can share.

'I can't wait to share a dark secret with you, Eric. It'll make me feel really close to you. Can I sit in your lap while you tell me, or is that too much? I don't really know, you have to warn me if I'm getting too intimate.'

'I admire you so much, Georgiana, to think of me before you act. It is very important for both of us to control ourselves, for I suppose we'll have to wait until you are eighteen before we get married. That is a very long time to wait if we let our baser feelings rule us, better let them know who's in charge straight away.'

'But I can kiss you, can't I? And hold hands, and stroke your hair, as I did that day we came back from the wedding for my lesson to find you here?'

'That you certainly can. And you can sit on my lap, even when we're dressed like this. I know for certain I can handle more intimacies, but they would be highly improper anyway.

Come, let me start the tale, and you can lay your head on my chest once again, that felt so good, I'm so happy.'

His voice sounds different when she's so close to him, deeper, like his singing voice, as she listens in total silence while he tells her about the journey and the house on the hill.

When she finds out about it being Grenfell's house, she is indeed shocked, mostly to hear he got celebrated during his punishment.

But Eric explains calmly that some men have burning needs, and if they cannot release them, they will turn desperate and even violent.

The description of Grenfell's mother convinces Georgiana that being stuck with her for two months truly is a punishment, for Eric describes how she has kept the whole house looking like the room the girls cleared to make their boudoir, at least twenty years out of date.

'And not even close to being almost fashionable again, believe me. It was plain ugly, and uncomfortable, and I think she did it just to spite her son.

But she was rather lonely, too, and drank too much wine. I hope she does move to London, to make a new life, for she was not that old.'

The piano has made an indelible impression on Eric, and Georgiana contemplates whether they can have her Clementi fetched. But that would be madness, that is just the kind of expense they cannot afford getting used to when planning to live on the interest of her fortune.

'You are thinking great deep thoughts, I'm sure. Do you care to share them with me? Do you blame me for going with Manners?'

She tells him, mostly to keep him from feeling guilty, how could he have refused? And what she says gains her another tight hug and a few kisses.

'I am so incredibly flattered, my love, that you are already planning ahead, and just for me. I can wait a few weeks to play a Clementi again, imagine my going to Vienna on my own, feeling miserable.'

Then he tells her about the paid women, and he does not hold back on any detail, though it clearly embarrasses him to describe the lewd things he saw. And what that one girl did to him, he can hardly bring himself to speak of it, but he does, up to the most revealing detail, how his body was at the verge of taking over and giving her her way, and how thinking of scales, and the actions of Mr Manners, saved him.

To think Mr Manners would arrange such debauchery, fortunately he and Mr Lascelles didn't engage in the same activities as their friends, Georgiana would never be able to respect either of them again.

But most would find what Mr Manners and Simon do as bad or worse, an abomination, and she asks, 'Eric, do you blame Simon and Mr Manners for what they do? I know it is very bad, but I can't seem to really feel that, they're both such good men. Before I fell in love with you I did consider marrying Mr Manners, I always feel very safe near him.'

'I feel exactly the same, my love. So much so I really have to get used to keeping it a secret, and so must you, for the rest of the world will be ruthless.'

'Not my brother, nor Elizabeth. They have known about Simon for a long time, and they have protected him against other servants who bullied him and threatened to expose him. Do you think Simon will tell them?'

'I don't know what will happen, Georgiana. I suppose Frederick will want to have Simon near, but they can never hold hands or kiss in public. Fortunately Frederick is rich, he'll find a way to make it work.'

As Eric finishes his tale, with Mr Manners' confession and proposal, Georgiana wishes she had told Eric much, much earlier, he must have been so incredibly unhappy and desperate.

Fortunately she can hold him and kiss him, and see him over the moon with her love.

But he is starting to look worn out again, he has been through so much these last days, he really needs a good night's sleep if he is to face Mr Manners tomorrow, and Fitzwilliam. Of course they will not make things hard on their friend, but nonetheless he will be nervous.

'You need to sleep, beloved,' she whispers in his ear, and she takes a good whiff of his masculine scent, in the hopes of taking it with her to her own lonely bed. Then she very naughtily strokes his chest inside his dressing-gown, and she can feel him shiver under her touch. He groans and grabs her tightly, mumbling, 'You tease me, little minx, have you any idea how good that feels? And what it shakes loose in me? I'm glad I'll be back in shirt and coat tomorrow, the less temptation, the better.

Good night, my love. I will dream of you, life will be sweet from now on.'

They kiss once more and then Georgiana sneaks back to her own room with her blanket.

Sleep comes much faster than she had ever imagined.