Girl Could Get Lost
Olivia lead the Stabler teens and their baby brother down the sidewalk towards her apartment building. Baby Eli hidden under a mound of blankets in his car seat. The city, which would normally be filled with additional stress and noise, was refreshingly filled with a peaceful glow of holiday twinkle lights tonight and light dusting of crisp white falling snow. The small group of weary hearts took it in, and a calm grew over them as they piled into the tiny apartment.
Each one of them tried hard to stay in their own solitude. They stewed in their own terrible tired thoughts of Christmas as the apartment prodded them to buck up. For if New York was a Mecca for small living Olivia's apartment was the size of a shoe. Togetherness was not optional.
The abandoned Stabler family pretended to watch television while Olivia dug through Elliot's things. Her mind was unfocused, off course. The files and papers were starting to look the same.
She called Dean for a second time when she decided that the information was just not there. The degenerate Stablers hung onto every word and movement that she made.
"Dean, all I found were some names and they aren't even legible. First name ', Uncle Fun' and then Jarvis Bard. Jarid Burd. I can't even read that. Try google searching 'Uncle Fun.' Sounds like the name of a store or restaurant."
"That's all you could find?"
Olivia dropped the paper work on her kitchen counter in an angry manner and practically yelled at Dean through the whisper she'd been trying to uphold for the sake of Elliot's already shaken family.
"If you could give me more information about this case other than Borgen and a Santa suit, I might be able to help you. I'm not a magician. You're going to have to find Elliot or help me to help you."
"We have an epa out on his plates and no sign of a car accident. Are you sure you've looked in every box?"
"Yes, Porter," she yelled. The room grew stressfully quiet and Olivia walked to her bedroom and closed the door. "Dean, this is ridiculous. Why haven't you been communicating with him! He said nothing to you? And instead of wasting your time on the phone with me, why haven't you found him?"
"I have two missing children under the age of six on my hands and every department is short staffed from he holiday. What do you think?"
"Yeah, I get that, but you've been calling me all day about the only person who seems to know what's going on. I would think he would be a top priority right now. It sounds like he's more involved in this operation then you're letting me believe."
"I can't make Elliot a priority. Besides, I don't trust him on this case."
"Why?"
"You know why."
The phone line remained silent and Olivia realized that she was on her own.
"Wow, you are thick. In the brain. Instead of wasting all of my time helping you find a piece of information that may not even exist I should be out looking for my partner. You know, the man that you were supposed to be working with."
"I tried, Olivia. He's impossible to talk to."
"You did not try, Dean!"
"Don't do this! I need your help. My ass is on the line. All I need is this location."
"Well how do you like that," she said to herself as her insides grew into a hard ripened mood.
Taking a step back from her bed she opened the door. Her eyes fell into a dozen thoughts as she paced into the living room with her cell phone in hand and a mesh of ideas forming into derivative actions. Her polished nail clicked on the screen of the cell phone as she thought to herself.
Maureen jumped from the couch when she entered the room and shoved a piece of paper into her jeans pocket.
Olivia grabbed Maureen's arm out of paranoid reflexes. "What was that?"
"It…it was…"
Those young baby blues flickered towards her siblings and with a sigh she pulled the slip of paper from her pocket. "It's from my mom. She left it in my purse. I found it when I went to pick up the formula."
Tears formed in her gaze as she passed the notebook paper on to Olivia.
"She's not coming back," Elizabeth whimpered.
Olivia read the note with a shaky hand while the three young adults watched her like a pack of wolves.
Even little Eli, who sat in his car seat on the coffee table, was engulfed by the intense mumbling and head-scratching coming from Olivia's end of the apartment.
"Dear Maureen, please don't hate me. I know you and your brothers and sisters will be in good hands. I am not fit to be a person let alone a mother right now. I will be leaving to rebuild my life. Don is going to help me. I know you will think this is the worst thing for me to do, but it is only in best interests for all of you. I won't be too long. I just need space. I'll be back when I get myself together. Keep your head up; hug Kathleen and the twins for me. Take care of your baby brother and don't be too upset with your father. Listen to Olivia. I love you. All of you. Please understand this is for the best. Love, Mom."
Olivia closed her eyes and crotched to the floor with her head between her legs.
She gulped for breath and held in her angry thoughts.
The silence was thick. "I should have seen this coming. We have to find your father."
"Olivia, there was nothing you could have done. She's totally lost her mind," Dickie grumbled.
"Shut up," Elizabeth carried on as she slapped her brother on the arm. "You've been such an asshole. It's probably all your fault she left to begin with."
"Language," Olivia interjected.
"If you weren't such a whiny baby all of the time-"
"Stop it," Maureen yelled. "Both of you, shut up, this is nobody's fault. Mom was depressed. She's being irrational because she refuses to take medication for it. I give her one week. I wasn't even going to tell anybody, but then Dad and Kathleen went missing..."
Olivia folded the piece of paper and grabbed a hold of her senses. "You're right. Maureen, you are absolutely right. She'll be back. Let's not worry about this. Your mom just needs to revaluate and rejuvenate, and trust me, as a woman going on forty, that's not easy. In fact, it's hell," she added slightly going into her own flash backs of depression.
The blue eyes snapped her out of the small spell of panic she almost allowed herself to experience, and from a deep pit of Mamma Bear instincts that stemmed from god only knew where, she pulled herself together and rounded them up for the task at hand.
"We can do this my friends. You're all adults. Young adults, but capable just have to find your father and Kathleen, which really shouldn't be this hard. Just give me a minute to think. Maureen, what did Kathleen say before she left."
Maureen racked her brain. "Nothing. She said she was headed to grandmas and that she was stopping by a friends house, but I called all of her friends and she wasn't there."
Once again, Olivia started talking to herself and going through papers on her desk. "Okay, think guys, would your dad have taken Kathleen somewhere to talk?"
"Church!," Dickie answered.
Elizabeth threw a pillow at him.
"What?"
"Okay, church is a maybe. Did you notice any men hanging out side of your house recently? Kathleen isn't really Borgen's type, but at this point I have no idea. Did you notice anything like this? Black car, men dressed in Santa suits."
Elizabeth's face grew into a horrified scrunch. "No! Should we have?"
"No. Good. No men. Okay, so he could still call. His battery could have died."
"And he couldn't have stopped somewhere to call us," Maureen wryly added.
"Payphones? Payphones are on the verge of extinction, Mo," Dickie replied.
Olivia pulled at her bottom lip and nodded in agreement.
Elizabeth the most dramatic of all the Stabler girls started to cry.
"What if he doesn't call, Liv? What then? How will we find him if he never picks up his phone? What if we have to live here forever? What if we become orphans and I have to spend the rest of my high school life in a foster home? This is terrible."
"Bethie, come on! You will not be sent to a foster home," Maureen interjected.
"Hello, 'Party of Five', Bethie," Dickie scoffed. "How many times did you make me watch that stupid show? Maureen is old enough to raise us."
"And if not Maureen, I'm definitely old enough to raise you." As Olivia said those words, she swallowed hard for fear it was too much.
The three pairs of eyes blinked at her in awkward fearful expressions.
She back pedaled. "I mean, if worse came to worse. Which, I'm sure would never…be the case. Or won't be, because we're going to find your father and your mom will be back…soon."
Elizabeth bounced off of the couch and hugged Olivia in a tight squeeze. Before the emotions got too involved she remembered she had one last thing to offer ", Hey, you know what I've got?"
"No," she said wiping her eyes.
"I've got ice cream and cookie dough. You up for some?"
She dejectedly nodded and held onto Olivia's arm. "I'm not all that hungry, but if it will help pass the time…I guess we could…make some cookies."
As they headed for the kitchen a light sound came buzzing from the desk in the corner. The one-inch square of plastic phone vibrated and rang a second time and the room fell still as they watched the corner of the room for a third ring.
Dickie and Elizabeth jumped next to Olivia to view the ID screen.
"Dad, it's dad. It has to be," Dickie jumped as Olivia clicked the phone to her ear.
"Elliot."
"Liv, where are you?"
"Elliot! Where are you? We've been worried sick."
"Dickie and Elizabeth were pressing their ears as closely as they could towards Olivia. Maureen was hanging onto her shoulders.
"You could have called, Dad," Dickie yelled.
"Olivia touched his mouth with her hand to silence his excitement as Elliot did his best to explain./
"I know, I know. Dickie, I'm awful. Now you know how I feel when you don't call.
"Liv?"
"Yeah, I'm still here."
"Where are you?"
"We're all at my place. What happened?"
"Long story short. I passed Kathleen on my way home. She had run out of gas. My phone died. I heard the call about Borgen on the scanner and I just grabbed Kathleen and we started driving to the address I'd found yesterday. It took hours."
"Why didn't you call Porter?"
"I wanted to make sure I was right. That and Porter and I…let's just say I may have just gotten him fired. Can we talk about this when I get home?"
"We found the kids, Liv. The feds had me and Kathleen held in an interrogation room for about two hours. I just need for this night to be over."
"Understandable. Get home. We've got cookies."
"We'll be there. Thank you, Liv."
When Elliot and Kathleen got to the apartment its tiny walls seemed to bust with people and excitement. They all piled around Olivia's coffee table in their pajamas, dipping hot chocolate chip cookies in large tall glasses of milk. Elliot held a sleeping baby Eli in his arms as his grown-up family finished one more round of Cranium.
"Score!," Dickie jumped. "Eat that Mo Mo!"
"I so let you win," Maureen said with an eye roll./
Elliot watched Olivia laughing from the other side of the coffee table and he smiled as he caught her eyes and nodded towards the kitchen.
She grabbed the empty glasses and they met on the glossy linoleum.
"Thank you," he whispered standing behind her as she rinsed the dishes.
"So the kids that Borgen abducted…"
"They're safe. We got them. Borgan is in custody as we speak. Should be an open and close case."
"Good. Lake was sick to his stomach."
Olivia would keep things professional as usual, but Elliot could think of nothing but her and his needs.
"What about Borgen's accomplice?, " she continued, much too addicted to her work to just let the evening come to an end.
Elliot rubbed his eyes. "Ah…His partner was MIA. They're thinking that this other guy is the real killer and Borgen was just to mask it. Dean, messed this case up big time with the details. There's going to be a big meeting tomorrow morning."
"Why?"
"He was on cloud nine. I've been calling him with that location information for days and he wouldn't listen. He refused to listen when we found evidence that there was an accomplice. He's just damn lucky nobody got hurt."
"Olivia wiped her hands on a dishtowel and faced Elliot. "Hmm, that's odd. He's not usually like that."
She nodded in disappointed agreement and looked down at Eli's little sleeping face. He breathed lightly between them and Olivia touched his soft head. "Poor little guy. He fussed for hours."
"I'm sorry for that. Kathy…I can't even talk about it. Did the kids tell you?"
"I know."
"Liv, I am so sorry for leaving you with my burdens. I owe you my life. My kids owe you their lives. I can't even begin to thank you."
She brushed off his gratitude in classic Olivia form. "No need for that. Your children are not a burden. I would have done it for anyone. I should get you and Kathleen a blanket and a pillow. Unless you want to drive back to Queens."
"Do you want us to drive to Queens?"
Olivia looked at his blood shot eyes and awkwardly replied ",No…I mean, you are more than welcome to pull up some floor."
His masculine features softened and he pulled her face towards him with his warm gentle hand. "Do you want me to pull up some floor?"
"Well Dickie already called the couch."
"You don't have to pretend anymore."
"I..I'm not."
He smiled at her with a lifted brow. "Do you really want this?"
Her eyes flickered with mixed emotions. "This?"
"You and me, and all of my baggage."
"Elliot, it's always been you and me…with all of your baggage," She lifted a brow.
Elliot pulled her face closer and kissed her softly on the lips. Her crossed arms fell from their defenses and the audience of eyes watching them from the living room became more like a crowd hidden behind the fourth wall.
That is until Dickie started whistling through his teeth at a high-pitched volume.
"Dickie," Maureen scolded. "Come on, we just got Eli to sleep."
Olivia was as red as a fair-faced Irish lass on a hot summers day, which only made Elliot's Irish blood beat harder through his horny veins. Nothing was more seductive to him then watching Olivia care for his children and talk about the details of a case at the same time. Olivia on the other hand was out of her element. The embarrassment of public display of affection was even more horrific in front of his kids. Elliot released his hand from her soft cheek and gave his children a nod.
"It's getting late, you all need to get to bed."
Kathleen, who was still in a dark mood, made her small hint of acceptance through brash bitchy sarcasm. "Dad, please don't scar us any further. I don't want to hear you and you'd better be using a condom."
Olivia almost curled up and died with embarrassment. "Kathleen! Your father and I will not be doing…anything like that."
"Right," Dickie mocked as he grabbed a pillow and made loud moaning sounds with it.
Elliot bopped him on the head. "Alright, simmer down. Your ol' dad may not be a saint, but Olivia is, so let's not scare her into the nunnery."
As soon as the furniture was moved and the sleeping bags were placed in the small living room space, the Stabler family settled down for their unplanned Christmas slumber party.
"I haven't slept like this since middle school when we went on that camping trip," Maureen said as she snuggled into her sleeping bag.
"No farting, Dickie," Elizabeth grumped.
"Ah, Bethie, I hate that word," Kathleen whined.
"What word, fart," Dickie pushed.
"Dickie, I swear to god if you say that word or do that act I will kill you," Kathleen yelled.
The threat was not taken seriously though, and as Elliot pulled Olivia into her bedroom he could hear the sound of Dickie making his sisters squeal and yap in aromatic discomfort.
"Good times," Elliot said to Olivia, who was gently placing Eli on a blanket surrounded by pillows.
"Don't get any ideas, Stabler, there's just enough space in the kitchen for you and your tight jeans."/
He sat on the edge of her bed, tired and worn. Her strong sense of self and humor brightened his soul. "Aw, you looked at my butt. I do believe that's harassment."
"You can't harass the willing."
Elliot started to shake his booty and she slapped him and hushed his vocal booty shaking music. "I swear to god if you wake this baby up, Elliot Stabler…cut it out."
"Oo baby, you sure know how to keep a guy moral."
She turned and sat next to him on the bed. "If that were true then why do I feel so guilty right now?"
"I'm sorry. My inability to make a decision and my dysfunctional marriage have now effected you on every level. I'm happy to sleep on the floor in the kitchen."
"No, no. It's fine, Elliot. It's just…how do you know this isn't a mistake?"
"Do you think it is?"
"She paused and chose her words wisely. "Not yet."
"Like you said. It's always been you and me."
Without another word he guided her to lay down next to him on the bed. Their eyes holding each other as Elliot pushed the hair from her face and lightly touched the side of her cheek and the nape of her neck. Olivia closed her eyes and released the knot in her stomach.
Her delicate peaceful features were too perfect. Elliot was almost afraid to touch her. He pulled his body closer and kissed her on the lips. She returned the kiss with a desire for more.
The smell of her perfume and the undiscovered shapes under her clothes drove him into an immediate high. She let out the softest sound as he nuzzled his nose into her neck and continued to taste every inch of her skin. The anticipation caused her to grab at him with the same kind of intensity that he'd watched her use in the heat of a good case.
Elliot's pants twitched and she felt him warm and throbbing next to her thigh. Thoughts of reasoning for this relationship ran through her mind. The good and the bad bounced like a ping pong ball: Endless conversation, Kathy's son, unspoken understanding, that woman at the immigration office, the way he needed her more than life one moment, and that one hurtful time he replaced her so quickly the next. What made Elliot the man she was supposed to fall for? And why now? Why here? What made this any different from the other women in his life?
"Elliot," she pushed through the kissing.
"I know, I know, we have to stop."
"Yes, stop," she moaned.
He froze with his lips still resting near hers and his eyes closed. His erection was pounding between their legs as he did everything he could to control it.
She pushed him away and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry I can't do this right now. Kathy just left you and your kids are in the next room. Not to mention…I can't…trust this yet."
"I know. It's too fast. This is not what I intended…"
"It's okay. Let's just…slow down."
She sat up and brushed her disheveled hair back down. She could tell that he was still trying to get the thoughts out of his mind by the way he held his hand over his eyes and stayed completely still. The bulge was teasing her too, but she wasn't convinced that this was how she wanted to give Elliot her everything. Her trust issues started eating away at her painfully mature conscience. She turned away and reached for her pajamas./
"I'll be back."
"Liv, I didn't mean to force anything."
"You didn't," she said plainly before heading to the bathroom. When she returned Elliot was on the floor and fluffing his pillow.
"I set the alarm, although I'm sure Eli will beat it to the punch," he said while lying down next to Eli's makeshift crib.
"Thanks."
She got under her covers and turned off the lamp. The night traffic usually lulled her right to sleep but not tonight.
"El?"
"The answer is yes."
Olivia looked up at the ceiling and held back her smile. "That's very proclaiming, but seriously. I need to know. How many women did you…date while you were separated?"
Elliot's regret clicked on like a demon, but he knew the answer was necessary.
"Five."
When Olivia remained silent he sat up and searched for her eyes in the darkness. Of all the things she could have brought up, this was the last thing he was prepared to deal with. "Liv, they meant nothing to me."
"Why didn't you ask me?"
The pause was much longer than he intended it to be.
"I was afraid."
And words were hurtful. She'd spent most of her life questioning the intentions behind the men in her life and the reasons for her solitude. For him to be afraid of her was as painful as his silence. "Of what," she slowly questioned trying not to get upset by his answer.
"You're a very intimidating woman, Olivia Benson. You were the only person that I could trust. The last thing I wanted to do was mess that up."
"So you just gave up on me? On us?"
"No, I gave up on allowing myself to be happy."
He couldn't look her in the eye, but the words kept falling from his mouth. "Have you ever loved and lost, Olivia?"
"Everyday for eight years," she practically grumbled.
"Okay, that was hard to swallow," he said completely ashamed now for making it seem as if he were the only one in the room afraid of happiness.
"Loving to lose is a great way to look at it, but it's not easy to choose the leap of faith, especially when you have children with someone."
"Says the man of faith."
He slowly lifted himself up to emphasize his deepest affections for her.
"Liv, forget about the past. I am throwing myself at you right now in hopes that you'll forgive me and to please allow me to make up every minute of pain I may have caused you. I was scared and lost. Confused. You are not a rebound Olivia. You're my other half. My partner. My life. I fear losing it."
She sat in his words watching him and unable to express her own thoughts. "I want to jump. I do. I thought I could, but I have to be honest, tonight kind of freaked me out, Elliot. Your kids are...impressionable and there are so many of them. I love them, I do, but what if I can't do it? I'm not Kathy. I can't cook and I work all of the time. I almost burned your house down."/
"Yeah Dickie told me. He got a huge kick out of it."
"I'm glad somebody did."
"Liv, my kids love you. They know you're not their mother, nor would I or they want you to be. We love you as you are. I love you as you are. And Kathy will be back. She has a week before I throw a court order at her to come back and mother her children."
Olivia hung her head down in contemplation as Elliot crawled over to the side of her bed. Very gently he grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles.
"Can I read you something I found the other day?"
"You read?"
He pulled his phone from his back pocket.
"Ha. You got me. I actually heard this guy on NPR. He's a poet. And I usually hate poetry, but I really liked his interview and this poem. Hang on let me find it."
Liv lie back on her pillow and snuggled into her bed.
"Okay. Don't laugh at me."
"I won't laugh," she whispered intrigued.
"Okay…ahem…okay…" Elliot nervously began to whisper the poem to her in the dark.
Lying together in the park on Seventh,
our backs smoosh grass and I say
I will love you till I become a child again,
when feeding me and bathing me is no longer romantic,
but rather necessary.
I will love you till there is no till.
Till I die.
And when that electroencephalogram shuts down, baby
that's when the real lovin' kicks in.
Forgive me for sounding selfish
but I won't be able to wait under the earth for you
(albeit a romantic thought for groundhogs,
gophers and the gooey worms).
I will not be able to wait for you…
Hold your finger up
(two fingers if your hands are frail by now)
and count two stars directly to the left
of the North American moon.
You will find me there./
You will find me darting behind amazing quasars
Behind flirtatious winks
of bright and blasting boom stars!
Sometimes charging so far into space
the darkness goes blue.
I will be there chasing sound waves
riding them like two-dollar pony ride horses
that have finally broken free and wild.
I will be facing backwards, lying sideways,
no hands, sidesaddle, sometimes standing
sometimes screaming zip zang zowie!
My God, it's good to be back in space… Where is everybody?
You will recognize my voice.
You will see the flash of a fire trail
burning off the back of me
burning like a gasoline comet kerosene sapphire.
This is my voice.
Don't look for my body or a ghost.
I'll resemble more a pilot light than a man now.
I'm sure some will see
this cobalt star white light from earth
and cast me a wish like a wonder bomb.
And I'll think "Hmmph. people still do that?"
I'm sure I'll take the light wonder bombs
to the point in the universe
where sound does end.
The back porch of God's summer home.
So love, you should know what to look for/
and exactly where to go…
Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
…I honestly don't know
But I do know that I could still fall for a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me./
It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."
And the two pilot lights go zoooooooom
into the black construction paper night
as somewhere else
two other lovers lie down on their backs and say
"What the hell was that?"
Elliot clicked his phone off and the room grew dark and quiet, except for the sounds of the city outside and the moon shining in through the window.
"That's really beautiful, " Liv finally said.
"Reminded me of us."
"Why were you listening to NPR?"
Elliot slapped the bed in jest. "You're such a cop. Can't a man profess his love without bad jokes and beer?"
She started to laugh out loud and stopped herself when Eli cooed and fussed in the corner. "Oop."
"Nice, wake the kid with your big mouth, Benson," Elliot whispered sarcastically as he threw his pillow at her.
"I can't believe Elliot Stabler just recited me a poem."
"You see. And this is why you are intimidating. I give you a hint of my heart, and you shut it down with wise cracks and walls.
Liv smiled to herself. "Okay, you're right. I'm a hard ass."
Elliot now lay on the floor staring up at the ceiling.
"I'm not a hard ass all of the time."
"I know that," he sincerely whispered.
"Do you?"
Elliot sat up and looked her in the eye from the floor. "Of course I do."
They sat in the dark looking for each other's eyes when, ever so gently; Olivia sat up and pulled Elliot into her bed. He lay on his side hovering over her, waiting for her to call the shots.
Her independent woman melted a bit as she watched him wait. "Can I hold you?"
"He got under the covers and pulled her close to him.
They held each other tightly the entire night, and fell asleep in the glow of the moon and the occasional sound of a car alarm or a bus stopping and going on the streets below.