Not All Who Wander Are Lost
For RagdollPrincess. My darling, we talked about traveling from our world to ME so much that this happened :)
"Thea, get your arse into my flat this very moment!" Thea Martin tumbled off her li-lo, her mobile pressed to her ear.
"Sod it, Wrennie, I'm partially deaf from this! What the…?"
"Belt it, and get to my place right this instant!" Her friend hung up, and Thea stared at the screen in shock. She had never in the twenty years she'd know Wren Leary had heard such tone from her. Firstly, Wren never swore. Secondly, she never raised her voice, if emotional she was more prone to hissing if anything. And of course, Wren Leary never ever in her bloody life had lost her composure. Thea grabbed her coat and rushed out of her flat.
Wren opened her door, and Thea quickly looked her over. She seemed unscathed, a bit dishevelled but fine.
"What the actual fuck, Wren?" The redhead was blanched, shaking and biting her bottom lip in the nervous habit Thea hadn't seen her childhood friend indulge in the last ten years.
"It… he is in the living room."
"Who he?" Thea asked carefully.
"Fuck me if I know," Wren twirled on her heels and disappeared in the depth of her flat. Wren Leary had just said "fuck." The world was surely ending. Thea shook her head and considered giving herself a slap to make sure she wasn't sleeping.
She followed Wren into the living room and froze in the doorframe. He, and it was indeed a he, was a short man, about an inch taller than Wren, who was ickle by the way, but about three times wider than her. He was also clad in some sort of barmy medieval armour. He looked bleeding angry and had a disproportionately long sword clasped in his right hand.
"Thea..." Wren's voice was shaking, "Allow me to introduce you to Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, a Dwarf from the line of Durin."
Thea looked at her friend to see if she was taking a piss. Wren clearly wasn't.
"A what what from the line of what what?"
"My name is Thorin Oakenshield, and I demand to know where I am," the bloke had a low commanding voice with a surprising Northern accent.
"London," answered the girls together.
"Earth," Wren specified, and Thea looked at her friend askew. Surely, Wrennie didn't assume the man in front of them was an alien. He was clearly mental, slightly dirty and… fit. Thea licked her lips. Through all and all he was fit. She looked closer, and yep, the bloke was smashing.
"Excuse us for a mo," Thea dragged her friend out of the room. "Spill it, Leary," she hissed at her friend. "Not every day there is a mental hottie in your living room!"
"Hottie?" Wren looked at her confused. "I didn't notice… Thea, you don't understand! He materialised in my living room! Like in sci-fi, there was a… don't know, like a portal, and he materialised! And then pulled out his sword and started yelling in some throaty language. Sounded like Turkish to me..."
Thea pressed her palm to Wren's forehead. "Wrennie..."
"I'm not hallucinating! I'm not arsed up or high! He just stepped out of some wobbly cloud. And then apparently since I am 'a fair maiden' he at least stopped swinging his sword around! But he killed Toby!" Toby was Wren's favourite ficus. She had unnatural relationships with plants.
Thea flopped on a chair in the kitchen where they were apparently hiding from an alien from another universe. Thea shortly lamented not watching that mental septic show Wren was fond of, with cowboys in space and shite. Maybe the short bloke in the living room wasn't speaking Turkish, maybe it was Chinese. The fit Canadian bloke in Wren's show was.
"What are you going to do?" Wren made a small circle around the kitchen.
"I don't know." She looked utterly lost. That was also new, Wren Leary was a know-it-all. Her lashes fluttered, and she looked at Thea pleadingly, "What do you think? Should I call coppers? They'll take him away… Probably lock him up in a mental institution…"
Thea pursed her lips, "Such a waste though… Have you seen those shoulders and hips?"
"Thea!" Wren looked at her aghast, "How can you even think about shag right now?! And no, I haven't noticed the hips, for goodness sake!"
"My fair ladies," the alien's voice came from the entrance to the kitchen, and both girls squeaked and jumped up. Thea pressed her hand to her chest.
"For fuck sake, mate, you scared us shitless!" The man wrinkled his nose, apparently Thea's expressions were a bit too much for him. What a sensitivity from a bloke with a giant sword in his hand! Thea gave him another look over, and decided that if Wren didn't want him she'd probably keep him.
"Lady Wren," the man gave Wren a small bow, and she made a step back from him. Thea shortly wondered if that bad break up Wren had had couple years ago was affecting her libido. Seriously, how can any woman with a pulse not want to jump his bones right there?
"Yes?" Wren's voice was coarse and slightly irritated. Apparently the break up also had fried her synopses.
"I understand that I have been transported to your dwelling by some sort of magic. I am hardly dim, I can understand I am in a place utterly different from my home. And I understand I'm intruding..." He looked significantly devastated, and Thea threw Wren a pleading look. Common, the bloke was a darling! And a gentleman! And hot, properly fit! "Is there any way for me to stay in your house in the hopes that the same magic might transport me back to Erebor?"
Wren was staring at him, her eyebrows frowned, and Thea couldn't help it anymore, "Common, Wren! He asked politely, and you have a spare room, after that wanker Auggie moved out." Wren's nostrils flared, and Thea rushed to fix her own blunder, "And you can finally have someone to help with your flower boxes! Look at him, he can surely move those heavy crates you've been struggling with!"
"I'd be delighted to be of any assistance," the bloke gave both of them another small bow, and Thea wondered if Wren was thick. Seriously, swoon! The redhead was still frowning, but under the double puppy stare, and the bloke knew what he was doing with those blue peepers, she caved in.
"You can stay but I have a taser, so you know." The bloke's eyebrows jumped up.
"Beg your pardon, my lady, I am not familiar with a taser. Is it a weapon?" Wren groaned and walked back into the living room, haughtily passing the bloke. He looked after her, and that's when it clicked in Thea's head. Short or not, of the line of what-not or whatever, he was still a bloke. And he just checked out Wren's arse! A sly smile spread on Thea's face. Oh, Wrennie needed it, it was time. Enough moping around, the chick was starved. Thea was a good friend. She was an excellent friend, and selfless too. She came up to the alien and put her hand on his shoulder.
"So, Mister Shield, let me give you a few pieces of priceless advice. And I suggest you listen attentively..."
XXX
Thea was ringing Wren three days later but she had to wait for quite a while for her friend to pick up.
"So, how's your alien?" She tried to keep her tone non-suggestive, but it didn't work out. She could practically hear Wren rolling her eyes.
"Still here," Wren's tone was grumpy.
"What's he doing?" There was a pause there, and then Wren puffed air out.
"He is apologising to the telly."
"What?"
"He hit it with a chair, there is a crack in it. I tried to explain to him what it is. I don't think I succeeded…" Her tone was exasperated. "And now he is apologising to David Tennant, because he thinks he hurt someone called Doctor Who. He freaked out when they showed an Ood..." There was some rustling at the background, and Thea heard Wren's yell, "Oh no, not the microwave! It will… Oh no!" There were some louder noises on the other end, and Wren hung up. Thea sighed. She had told him to not take any initiative with that control freak she had for a friend. The shortest way into her knickers was listening and nodding and looking at her with adoring eyes. Bugger, why men never listen?
XXX
Three weeks later the atmosphere in Wren's flat seemed to calm down, the accidental flatmates seemed to have found some sort of balance, but to Thea's deep disappointment no bonking was taking place. Perhaps, the shortie didn't understand her advice. He did seem rather confused when she mentioned "rumpling sheets." To think of it, if he was from some equivalent of Middle Ages, he probably was all chaste and honourable, no boffing before wedding and shite, and perhaps assumed she was talking about laundry.
"Hey, Wrennie, so how is it going?" The usual pause followed, and Thea prepared herself for another report on a disaster the bloke conjured in Wren's flat. As useful as he turned out to be in the greenhouse Wren had on her balcony, he was still completely daft with technology. Just two days ago he botched up a toaster. It was the seventh in a row.
"He is in a shower," Wren's voice was astonishingly raspy.
"Oh?" Thea straightened up in the armchair she was lounging in.
"Yeah… He actually does it a lot now, taking baths and showers, I mean. And then he slipped there..." Wren sounded as if she just saw a ghost. Well, in her case, an alien. Apparently, in a shower.
"Tell me, Wrennie dear, did you rush into the bathroom to help him?" Judging by the tense silence on the other end, she did indeed. "And?"
"The door wasn't locked, and he was fine, he was already vertical..." It was getting very interesting very quickly.
"Yes?" Thea purred into the mobile and could just imagine Wren's giant eyes with dilated pupils.
"Like I said... He was vertical..." Oh, the things were looking up, Thea thought. Indeed, the things were looking… up.
XXX
A week later Wren didn't pick up when Thea called. She was sent into voicemail, and when she finally got a ring back, her so called sexdar was ringing so loudly that she considered sending Mr. What's-His-Shield a basket of roses.
"So, Wrennie, my darling, how is it going?"
"Fine," Wren was never good in faking non-chalance.
"Oh? Lovely," Thea was metaphorically circling her victim, "And how's our darling alien?"
"He is fine," Wren's voice was so unnaturally even that Thea wondered how Wren could get away with any lie in her life at all.
"Lovely," Thea repeated and murmured, "So what the two of you have been up to these days?" The pause stretched, and let's face it, Wren Leary was never good at withstanding Thea's tense silence.
"Alright!" She yelled, "I shagged him! He shagged me! Oh blast, we shagged each other! And he is enormous! And I came seven time! And I think I am in love with him!" That Thea didn't expect. Oops. She should have known it was never just a shag with Wren.
"Ummm, Wrennie... is he aware? Because you just yelled it, and half of London knows it for sure..." Thea heard a dull thud of what she supposed was Wren's head hitting a table.
"He can't hear me, he is on the balcony, watering flowers. And he is singing. Thea, he has the most gorgeous voice I've ever heard in my life..." Three more dull thuds followed. Thea facepalmed herself. The chick had it bad.
"What am I to do?" Wren's voice was miserable, and Thea sadly shook her head. She just wanted Wren to loosen up a bit. Damn this reasonable uptight type. They always end up hurt.
XXX
Thea arrived at Wren's flat for their usual Saturday jog, and the door opened under her enthusiastic knock. Apparently it became an odd new habit of Wren's. She was careless these days, after all she lived with a five foot four killing machine. Thea would actually want to see the face of a burglar who would decide to break into that flat and would be met by a terrifying snarling shortie, swinging a giant sword, and Thea meant the metal one in this case. He'd also be probably starkers, considering the amount of shagging going on there these days. Wren was blushing like a beet but Thea had always been good at pulling it out of her friend. Let's face it, after finally deciphering Wren's embarrassed mumbling, Thea was impressed. And she was rarely impressed. Good on you, Mr. King Under the Mountain!
Thea stepped into the flat, but the sounds she heard from inside the bedroom told her Wren wasn't going for a jog today. Thea got it, Wren hardly needed additional work-out these days.
"Oh, Thorin!... Oh yes!... Oh my god… Yes!"
"Oh… Ah… Wren, ghivashel… Oh, kurdu!"
"Oh Thorin, yothur!... More! Yothur!…" Thea assumed that was the Dwarf lingo of sorts. Wren had always been good with languages.
"Sanyasith… Wren…" The masculine and Wren's shrieky screams were gaining crescendo, and Thea smiled approvingly. She turned around to walk out of the flat, when she heard the shortie's triumphant roar accompanied by a very impressive growl, "Mine!"
Wren joined his cries with a reverent, "Yours, oh yes, Thorin, I'm yours!.."
Thea closed the door behind her and felt slightly uneasy. She'd hate to lose a friend, but on the other hand she got it. She'd follow a bloke with such talents through a portal to another universe as well. She started running towards a park. She needed a new partner for jogging. And at the moment she also needed a "work-out."
P.S.
It took Mr. and Mrs. Oakshield three years to finally decide on moving out from Wren's flat. Not that either of them particularly wanted the portal back to his home open again, but they were sort of keeping pretense that they were still waiting on it. John, and seriously, they couldn't come up with a better name for him, found a brill job in a company specialising in manufacturing faux medieval armour, Wren got preggo two months after his arrival, apparently his prolific alien sperm didn't give an arse about any contraception available, and once the second sprog was on the way they finally had to accept that the flat was getting too small.
Thea was helping to pack their winter coats from a closet when Wren pulled some old box from it. She started laughing, and in her hands Thea saw the very brigandine Mr. Oakenshield was wearing when he stepped into this very living room from a 'wobbly cloud'.
That's how John found the two of them, sitting on the carpet, giggling, and seemingly talking about fishing, considering the gestures they were making. Wren was holding her hands in the air, her open palms about ten inches away from each other, and Thea fell backwards on the floor roaring with laughter.
"Evening, ladies," he honestly couldn't understand why his polite greeting caused another bout of laughter, and then his now rather bulbous wife ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed him hard, which always seemed to slightly turn off his brain, and he blinked and stared at her.
"Good evening, Mr. Oakenshield, we were just talking about you." Thea nodded at the background, and he finally saw the box they had between them on the floor.
"Oh, my armour..." He came up to it and pulled out his tunic from the box. All of his belongings were cleaned and carefully folded, and he looked at them pensively. He then shifted his eyes at his wife and saw her studying him. She was clearly waiting for his reaction, and he saw a shadow of insecurity in her eyes. He grabbed her hand and threw to Thea over his shoulder while decisively marching out of the room, "We will be right back, lady Thea!"
"Oh, do take your time," Thea giggled.
They did and emerged from the kitchen dishevelled, their lips slightly swollen, good twenty minutes later. Wren was cheery as a lark, and Thea shook her head warm-heartedly. She did love it when her plans worked out.