You Have to Tell Them Now:
Sakura clung onto Kakashi's lifeless, cold hand, the one that wasn't hooked up to a number of different IV catheters, her face painted with dread at his prolonged unconsciousness. Naruto and Sasuke were standing right next to their pink-haired teammate, both of them gripping the metal railing that lined the hospital bed as if their lives depended on it.
They were thinking the exact same thing as her; It was almost 10:00 at night, and practically a whole day had passed since Kakashi had initially lost consciousness, so why was he still sleeping?
They had refused to leave his side the whole day, as did Kurenai, Asuma and even Gai, who'd seen them rushing to the hospital, and had come along without any hesitation. The image of Asuma cradling a limp, blue-faced Kakashi in his arms, jostling his motionless form as he ran, was engraved into Gai's mind. He never wanted to see his rival in such a weakened, unmoving state ever again.
The usually exuberant shinobi looked uncharacteristically sorrowful as he took in Kakashi's prominent dark circles and sickly pallor. God, he had been so naive—no, selfish. He'd thought that Kakashi would be fine with treatment, that he could handle his illness on his own, just like he always did with everything else.
Now, his rival was lying in a hospital bed, a screen making sure that his heart was still beating, fluids being forced down his veins to restore his drained strength, the same strength that Gai had failed to preserve. He would never be able to forgive himself.
The door opened suddenly and Tsunade trudged in, Shizune at her side. The hokage had just finished going through Kakashi's treatment plan with the best of her medical staff for hours on end, so she was exhausted, as was her apprentice. Because of the unexpected seizure, which had lasted much too long, they were prompted to reconsider the date that the surgery was previously planned to take place on.
"Granny!" Naruto cried hopefully, breaking the tense silence that had settled around the room. The hokage gave him a small, weary glance in return, before heading over to the copy ninja's bedside, all eyes on her.
"So," she started with a sigh, noting how Kakashi's ghastly visage rivaled the bleached, white color of the sheets, "Has he woken up at all yet?"
The anxious air grew around them once more, before Kurenai spoke up for everyone.
"No, milady. He's been unconscious this whole time," she said softly. Tsunade nodded slowly as she took in the new information, her brows furrowing slightly.
"Could it be that he's in a coma?" Asuma thought aloud, a grim expression on his face. It was possible, as Kakashi had even slept through the loud, conversational bickering of his genin.
Without answering the Sarutobi, Tsunade put a hand to Kakashi's shoulder and shook it lightly.
"Kakashi," she said gently, with a bit of firmness instilled into her voice at the same time, "It's time to get up now."
The occupants of the room, namely the Hatake's three disciples, watched, horrified, as he stayed completely still, the only indication that he was alive being the slight way that the sheets rose up and down every time he took in and let out a breath, and the hypnotic beating of the heart monitor itself.
"Come on, Kakashi. Open your eyes."
Tsunade frowned and shook him again, but was given the same response, which was nothing at all.
"L-lady Tsunade," Sakura whispered, her chin quivering, dark circles beginning to form under her watery jade eyes, "Is Kakashi-sensei in a c-coma?"
"Just hold on, Sakura," Tsunade said, attempting to comfort the young kunoichi, "I seriously doubt that he is. After going through such a bad seizure, it's only natural that his body sleeps it off."
But just to make sure...
The hokage grasped the thin blanket and slowly peeled it off, exposing Kakashi's chest to the sterile chill of the hospital room. She gathered her fingers into a tight fist, resting her folded hand on his chest for a few moments, before grinding it across his breast bone, applying pressure that she knew for a fact would cause any lucid person to cry out in pain.
Sure enough, he let out a low groan in his sleep, his fingers twitching ever so slightly as he shifted uncomfortably on the mattress.
"Kakashi's fine, he's just sleeping," Tsunade informed them with a forced smile, gently pulling the blanket's edge back up to his neck. They all collectively released a breath that they hadn't realized they were holding.
"As for all of you guys," The Hokage started, her voice becoming stern once more, "Go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat."
The group had been there the entire day, and hadn't stopped to eat dinner, or even lunch, using the argument that Kakashi needed someone to stay with him until he woke up.
Throughout their time by his bedside, they'd also asked Tsunade to give an explanation for the seizure, however she'd purposely held back, even though she already knew the answers to their questions. Since they weren't family members, she legally wasn't allowed to tell them that he had cancer.
The fact that they didn't know what was going on with Kakashi's health made their wait all the more difficult—all they had to go off of was his sudden collapse, and the violent convulsions that had followed afterward..
"But Granny! Kakashi-sensei isn't even awake yet!" Naruto exclaimed exasperatedly, "We can't just leave him here...I won't leave him here!"
"That's an order, Naruto. If you fail to follow it, you are directly going against the Hokage's wishes. You might as well consider this a mission."
The blonde pouted and looked away, his eyes squinted petulantly, "Hokage's wishes, my foot! I'm not going to leave Sensei's side until I know he's okay!"
"Naruto!" Sakura hissed, "That's Lady Tsunade you're talking to!"
But it wasn't like she didn't agree with him. One could tell by the way her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and how her grip had only tightened on Kakashi's pale, unresponsive hand, that Sakura also dreaded leaving his bedside.
"No! No, you don't understand! I-I didn't do anything..." Naruto started, voice cracking with emotion, his blue eyes glistening with unshed tears, "I didn't do anything to help Kakashi-sensei...I just...I was useless!"
"Naruto..." Sakura whispered shakily, her bottom lip quivering. It was safe to say that she related deeply—Aside from getting Asuma and Kurenai, the Haruno hadn't really been able to do much of anything either.
Sasuke stood his ground in deafening silence, his hands clenched into fists at his sides, black bangs shadowing his eyes from view.
How was he supposed to have known how to handle the situation? That wasn't just something you learned in the Academy. Well, Sasuke probably could've done something, but his body had completely frozen up. As much as his mind had screamed for his legs to move forward, to take at least one step in Kakashi's direction, they simply hadn't, because he'd been…scared. Sasuke admitted it: He had been terrified of the seizure.
The three jonin watched Kakashi's students lose their composure, the scene tugging on the bottoms of their hearts. They knew one thing for sure: they would never want their own kids to be in the same position.
"Oi," Tsunade said firmly, snapping everyone out of their stupors, "If you really want to help the brat, then go downstairs and eat something. I'm sure he wouldn't want any of you to go hungry."
No one, not even the adults, moved a muscle towards the direction of the door. Tsunade sighed.
"You could also get Kakashi something to eat while you're there. He...He's pretty malnourished."
That statement seemed to convince everyone, as they slowly filed out of the room they had been occupying since morning, throwing one last glance at the Hatake, who looked so uncharacteristically weak in the depths of the white sheets that covered his form, before they left.
Tsunade waited until the group had exited the hospital room and closed the door behind them to heave another sigh.
"Shizune," she started, the stress evident in her voice, "How are we going to tell him?"
"We'll just have to let him know what to expect, like we do with every other patient, Lady Tsunade," her disciple replied, giving the standard, diplomatic answer.
"You saw how he reacted when we told him about the tumor, Shizune. And that was just the cancer itself...We hadn't even begun to talk about the treatment..."
Kakashi slowly opened his eyes, his strained gaze meeting a bleak, white ceiling. Even in his semi-conscious state, he was able to recognize the familiar setting, as he had spent an extensive amount of time in the hospital over his lifetime.
"I can't stand it," the Hokage continued wearily, unaware that the said man was now conscious, if only barely, "...I just don't know how we're going to tell him that the surgery isn't in a week anymore...And then the complications..."
She ran a hand through her blonde hair, which for once looked unruly, with a few lone locks escaping from her two loose ponytails.
"Lady Tsunade..." Shizune said softly, her voice warm and soothing, brows scrunched up in distress upon noting how uncharacteristically distressed the hokage was, "Everything will be fine."
"How are you so sure, Shizune?" Tsunade questioned curiously, tilting her head to make eye contact with the kunoichi standing beside her.
"It's not something that I can explain...I just have this gut feeling that tells me Kakashi will pull through...He's a strong shinobi, Lady Tsunade…much stronger than you're giving him credit for."
At that moment, the Hatake unwillingly let a pained groan escape past his lips, which were uncomfortably chapped under his mask. His muscles ached to no end, and his whole body felt unusually sore, as if it were bruised all over, as if he had been beat up thoroughly after running a long marathon. He strained his neck to the side, attempting to face the source of the hushed voices.
"Lady...Tsunade..." Kakashi rasped with great difficulty, barely able to address the hokage due to how unbearably parched his throat was. The two women snapped their gazes toward him, undiluted surprise glistening in their wide eyes.
"Kakashi? You're awake!" Shizune exclaimed in relief, her lips pulled into a wide grin. Tsunade couldn't help but smile herself, glad that he had finally woken up after being asleep for nearly twelve hours.
"Water..." he croaked quietly, his silver eyebrows furrowed in discomfort at how his mouth was practically devoid of any moisture, and the grotesque, acidic taste that was overwhelming his pallet.
Shizune hurried to a small table in the far corner, which had a convenient pitcher of water placed on it, returning with a tall glass of the cool liquid. Tsunade positioned one of her hands under Kakashi's neck and rested the other across his bruised chest, gently lifting his head off of the pillow so that he would be able to down the water. She chose to ignore his pained grunts.
When Shizune hesitantly brought the edge of the glass to his covered lips, Kakashi didn't hold back; he took fast, greedy sips, a trickle of water finding its way out of the glass and trailing down his masked chin. Through all of this, the hokage held his shoulders firmly, making sure his form was in place, and that he didn't fall back and hurt himself even further.
"More," he breathed after drinking every drop of the liquid he had been given, tiredly leaning back into Tsunade's sturdy, unmoving hold. Even the simple action of straining his neck forward had stolen a notable portion of his already little energy.
"No, Kakashi. Just wait a little bit, you don't want to throw up," Tsunade explained as she lowered Kakashi back onto the mattress, adjusting the sheets around him so that they covered his shivering torso. She clicked her tongue and wiped his dampened mask with her personal handkerchief, not understanding why he hadn't just taken it off to drink the water.
"Do you think you can stay awake? We've got something to tell you..." she continued, gaze fixed on the wall opposite from her, Kakashi's silver hair in her peripheral vision. He sighed, suspecting even more bad news, but wanting to go to sleep at the same time.
"Yeah...I'll stay awake."
The hokage shared an uneasy glance with Shizune, who gave her a short, encouraging nod to begin the tricky conversation.
"Kakashi..." she said softly, "The surgery we told you about, the one to remove your tumor...It's tomorrow."
He quickly sat up in bed, ignoring how his muscles were rebelling against the movement, his eyes wide in shock.
"Huh? B-but I thought you said...You said it was in a week… " Kakashi uttered in bewilderment, a surge of adrenaline streaming through his veins, his mind overwhelmed by a sudden fear of the impending operation on his brain.
"I know—I know I said that, Kakashi, but things have changed now. Your tumor is too big for us to ignore. If we don't take it out soon, it might press onto important tissue and cause irreversible damage...Your most recent seizure was a sign that we have to start treatment right away."
Kakashi exhaled shakily and bowed his head in deep thought, his dark orbs fixed on his lap as he processed the information he had just been given. Just the sheer prospect of having someone tamper with such a vital organ of his was absolutely terrifying.
"What if…I don't have the surgery tomorrow?" he said after a few moments of stifling quiet, oddly calm. Tsunade's eyes widened.
"You aren't planning on not getting the craniotomy done, are you?" the hokage questioned anxiously. Kakashi raised his eyes and met her intense gaze, deciding to be honest about how he really felt.
"I'm not ready to have a brain surgery tomorrow, Lady Tsunade. I'll admit it, I'm just not prepared for such a major change—"
"You'll never be ready, dammit!" Tsunade cried out suddenly, grabbing him by the shoulders, and jerking him forward harshly, "It's not possible to be ready for things like this, you idiot!"
Kakashi was thrown into shock once again, his aching head jerking back and forth as the hokage quite literally tried to shake some sense into him.
"Lady Tsunade, stop! Please, stop it, he's the patient, it's his call!" Shizune exclaimed frantically, a pleading hand outstretched towards them as she reflexively stepped forward.
"You don't get it, do you?! Without this surgery, YOU'LL DIE! Do you have a death wish?!"
An eerie silence settled around the three of them at her blunt words, and everyone stayed still, as if time itself had frozen. The harsh lines on Tsunade's face softened almost immediately, her eyes widening as she realized what she had just said. But it didn't matter that she regretted it; the damage had been done.
Kakashi inhaled sharply, his teeth gritting as he tried to ground himself, and come to terms with the fact that he had a craniotomy the next day. He wasn't ready to give up his sense of normalcy, however false it may be. It wasn't even that he particularly wanted to survive—Kakashi was too accustomed to the prospect of death to fear it.
What actually scared him, was that they were essentially going to be cutting into his mind, which he held very dear to himself. Even one mistake could cripple him for life, or take away from his cognitive ability. Not to mention, even if the risky surgery was successful, he would be facing an extremely painful and arduous recovery.
He hated that he would, without a doubt, have to rely on other people after the surgery.
His shoulders began to unconsciously tremble under the tight hold that the hokage's hands had on them, once again feeling the burden that his disease had placed on them. Feeling his breath begin to quicken, he tightly grasped the bottom hem of his shirt, his brows furrowing as he tried to get a hold of his rising emotions.
Tsunade felt the guilt weighing down on her as she noticed the Hatake losing his composure. Without a moment of hesitation, she enveloped his visibly shaking form into a firm, but comforting embrace. Shizune quietly stood beside them, respecting her two superiors enough to let them have the necessary moment.
"I'm sorry," the hokage breathed, eyes shut as a few tears slid down her cheeks, "I'm so sorry, Kakashi…You don't deserve this—none of this should be happening to you."
"Maybe I do…deserve it…" Kakashi choked out, his chin resting on her shoulder, the painful lump in his throat making it hard to speak. Tsunade just hugged him even tighter in response, able to hear the pain in his voice.
"Kakashi...I might not look like it, but I'm old. I've seen as much as I'm going to see, and I've experienced more than I ever could. You...you have a whole life ahead of you," she started, her gruff voice noticeably steadier, "Don't let something like this take hold of you, don't let it keep you from moving forward and enjoying things like someone your age is supposed to be doing. I know it's...it's got to be hard. And that's okay. It's okay to feel sad and depressed, or stressed out, or shocked. But it's not okay to keep it all in."
She put a strong hand on his shaking back and gently started rubbing large, calming circles across it.
"That's why, Kakashi...That's why I want you to let it out. All of these feelings you've had, the hate, the shock, the depression, the fear; just let them all out. Don't hold it in anymore."
Kakashi heaved a quiet, shuddering breath, his eyebrows pushing together as a sudden wave of despair came across him. He quickly blinked his watery eyes, closing them shut to prevent anything from leaking out. He wasn't going to cry.
What the hell is wrong with me? I never used to be this emotional…It's pathetic.
"I'm sorry for not being there for you, Kakashi..." Tsunade whispered, softly stroking back his silky, silver hair, "Have you been dealing with this all alone?"
Because if you have, I'll never be able to forgive myself...
"No...I told Gai," Kakashi reassured her, making the slight motion of shaking his head, "He...he helped me."
"Is Gai the only one you've told?" she questioned in quiet solemnity, "Do your genin know that you have cancer?"
"I haven't...I haven't told them..." Kakashi admitted with a sigh, feeling as if he had betrayed his students.
The last thing that Kakashi wanted was for them to turn out like he had after his father's suicide, a cold, miserable jerk who was insensitive to everyone else's feelings, and didn't believe in friendship anymore. He knew that some of them, especially Sasuke, had experienced pain and loss before, but that gave him all the reason to make sure they never did again.
Although he'd had good intentions from the very beginning, and still did, now he just felt like a deceitful snake.
"Kakashi...they deserve to know. For some of them, you're the closest thing to family..." Tsunade persuaded, "I tell you what, why don't you give them the news when they come back up from eating dinner? You know, they've been here for a whole day, worrying their asses off about you. They only left to eat dinner because I forced them to..."
Kakashi shook his head vigorously, the intervals decreasing between each hypnotic beat the heart monitor made.
"No…I can't...they'll...they-"
"What?" Tsunade interrupted, "Will they feel pain? Will they hurt? Is that what you're so worried about? Well, they'll feel hurt if they find out you've been keeping something so important a secret. And besides, you can't do this alone, Kakashi. You need your precious people—all of them—standing by your side. "
"But Lady Tsunade, they're just kids…they don't need to be exposed to this kind of—"
"Stop babying them, dammit," Tsunade said, not wanting to hear another word of him trying to be their guardian, "This is about you. If you let them know, will you feel better?"
"...I don't know. Maybe," Kakashi replied softly, after a long pause.
"Then tell them. Tell them, Kakashi."
All three of their heads jerked toward the closed door as they heard footsteps approaching the hospital room.
"They're here," Tsunade said aloud. She pulled Kakashi away from her embrace and set him back into the pillows, so that he was sitting up in bed. He gave her a look of pure fear and apprehension, his eyes wide, visage taking on an unhealthy pallor.
He would have to tell them now. In a few mere moments, he was going to change everything.
"You'll be fine, Kakashi," Tsunade encouraged with a smile, giving him a few uplifting pats on the shoulder, "If they mess with you, I'll kick their asses to Suna."
The door opened with a creak, revealing the very people they had been talking about. Sakura was the first to step in, her pale hands gripping a plastic tray of food, gaze drawn to the floor. Sasuke and Naruto followed her inside, deep in thought, just as she was. It was the adults behind them that were actually attentive enough to realize that Kakashi was sitting up in bed, his consciousness restored.
"MY RIVAL?!" Gai exclaimed, rushing past the three Genin, who's heads had snapped up at the mention of their sensei, "You're finally awake!"
Before any of the other jonin could take another step forward, Kakashi's students bolted towards his side, their breaths catching in their throats upon seeing that he was alive and lucid, and that he wasn't in a coma.
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Sakura shrieked fervently, wrapping her arms around his abdomen in a tight hold, the tray carelessly abandoned atop the bit of blanket by his covered feet. Her head rested on his bruised sternum, tears wetting the thin cloth that covered his chest.
Kakashi put a tremulous hand to her head in an attempt to smooth her pink hair back, the small gesture requiring more effort than it should have.
"S-sensei!" Naruto cried, gripping the metal railing on one side of the bed. He ached to hide in Kakashi's comforting embrace, to have his sensei tousle his blonde locks and reassure him that he was okay. But with one tiny glance at Sasuke, who was standing right beside him, his demeanor cold as always, Naruto stuffed his emotions back down.
Sasuke didn't say a word, just acknowledging Kakashi with a single 'hn' and a nod of the head.
"Hey, guys. What's up?" Kakashi croaked, hiding his anxiety behind a mask, a facade of cool indifference.
I have to tell them.
"What's up?!" Naruto exclaimed, clearly exasperated, "You wake up after a whole day of being unconscious and that's what you say!"
"Kashi-sensei..." Sakura sniffed childishly, releasing him from her stifling embrace, "We were all so scared...what w-was that? Are you going to be o-okay?"
Kakashi remained quiet, gazing intently at the needle inserted into his wrist. Although he had accepted that he would have to tell them sooner or later, he just couldn't bring himself to do so.
"Lady Tsunade," Kurenai said, her embellished lips pulled into a frown at the unbearable silence, or more specifically, Kakashi's lack of an explanation, "What brought on the seizure?"
Her words were concise and straight to the point, articulated in a quiet, but firm manner that demanded the truth at once. Tsunade shared a look with Kakashi and gave him a minuscule nod, a signal that it was time. Telling them of the news was his responsibility, and only his.
Gai gazed at Kakashi with a meaningful look from the foot of his hospital bed, and when they finally did make eye contact, he smiled slightly and raised his thick eyebrows, encouraging him to finally let out all that he had been hiding.
Kakashi took a deep breath.
"The thing is, guys...I'm not okay."
Naruto and Sakura gasped simultaneously, while the rest of the occupants of the room frowned, their brows furrowing in curiosity at what he could possibly mean by that. The atmosphere became thick with anxiety with just those few words, a haunting, tense quiet settling all around them.
"Tomorrow, I have a surgery," he explained hesitantly, trying his best to maintain eye contact with all of them, but finding that it was extremely hard, "Because I...b-because..."
The hypnotic beats became faster, and his hands started to shake noticeably. A bead of sweat slid down his temple, his face paling to an unhealthy, white hue. Kakashi ducked his head.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.
Gai came forward on instinct and put a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, his unease and worry hidden behind a warm grin. Even that small gesture seemed to have helped Kakashi, as he inhaled, then exhaled, and continued on with his confession.
"I have a surgery tomorrow to remove a tumor from my brain…" he said solemnly, his voice deep and gruff, "I have cancer."
"Y-you can't joke about things like that, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto chuckled nervously, being the first to utter a single word.
"I'm completely serious..." the copy ninja said softly, his intent gaze locking with Naruto's blue orbs. The blonde looked away.
"NO! Th-this is a test!" Naruto cried, ignoring the seriousness of the atmosphere, "I-I know! This is part of our training, isn't it!"
Naruto's eyes gleamed with a kind of desperate, clinging hope that all of this really was a crude joke that Kakashi was playing on them, even though it had become almost completely obvious by that point that it was not.
Gai put a firm hand on Naruto's shoulder, closing his eyes and shaking his head to halt his naive assumptions. It was hard for him as an adult, a full fledged shinobi, to come to terms with Kakashi's illness, so he couldn't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for the young genin to take the sudden news.
"N-No...No..." Naruto whispered in denial, his face falling dramatically.
Sakura's hand was clamped over her parted lips, her narrow shoulders heaving with every audible, panicked breath she took. Her jade eyes were wide in shock, tears escaping from their red rims and streaming down her round cheeks. Sasuke was completely still, unable to move. Perhaps his heart had frozen as well, because he couldn't feel a thing, as if the blood had stopped circulating through his body, as if he had stopped living, breathing. He felt numb.
"Damn," Asuma uttered solemnly, rubbing a hand over his face, everything he had been suspecting clicking into place, "Shit...Shit."
"Oh, God...Kakashi..." Kurenai breathed in shock, a few tears springing forth from her crimson orbs. She came forward and enveloped him in a hug, wanting to comfort him, but needing the comfort herself. Kakashi's arms were limp at his sides, his head buried into her shoulder, eyes hidden from view. He regretted telling them, all of them.
It was his fault they were in so much pain.
Kurenai retracted her hands from his slouched shoulders and turned to his three students, who looked as if they had just lost everything.
"Go on..." she encouraged, resting a hand on Sakura's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.
Sakura timidly moved her gaze to her sensei's lonely form on the bleak hospital bed. Although her teammates were probably too dense to notice, she was different; Sakura saw the pain gleaming in Kakashi's darkened eyes. She could tell that he was yearning to be comforted, instead of being the one doing the comforting.
"Kakashi-sensei..." Sakura whispered shakily, shuffling closer to his side, her heart pounding, "K-Kashi sensei!"
She tackled him into an embrace, her wiry arms wrapped around his abdomen, tears dirtying the front of his shirt. Unsure of what to do, Kakashi patted her heaving back in return, his face twisting into a look of torture as her despairing sobs pierced his ears.
Naruto watched the two with longing, his breath hiccoughing unknowingly, fat tears streaming down his tanned cheeks. Without looking at the frozen Uchiha standing beside him, he trudged to Kakashi's other side, almost as if he were in a trance.
"Naruto..." Kakashi said guiltily, trying to instill as much comfort as he could in just his voice. The Uzumaki just quietly stood beside him, hands clenched into trembling fists, salty liquid escaping out of closed eyes.
"Listen, Naruto...I'm sorr—"
Naruto jerked forward and planted his head onto Kakashi's pillow, his form trembling. After a moment's pause, Kakashi slowly withdrew his hand from Sakura's shivering back and rested it on Naruto's head of blonde hair, trying to let him know with a single touch that he would be just fine, that he was barely even sick.
The Uzumaki moved to bury his face into Kakashi's open chest, and clung onto the fabric that clothed his waist, every sniffle forcing him to breathe in his sensei's scent.
"You're going to die...you're going to die..." Naruto sobbed, clutching his shirt even tighter. At those words, Sakura trembled even more, a new flood of tears wetting Kakashi's bare flesh under his clothing.
"No," Kakashi said firmly, pulling them into his chest, "I'm not going to die."
His two students looked up at him in awe, eyes glossy, noses red and raw.
"I'm not going to die."