AN: Thanks for reading, everyone! Aqua, so glad I'm back too. I am on a role. Cannot stop writing and watching old reruns. This has been the best way to have a relaxing Christmas break. Enjoy and PEACE!

The GD Letter

A decade passed. Elliot moved his family to Rome and thoughts of Olivia and New York City vanished under the Wisteria trees, the warm breeze of the seaside, and the easy lifestyle of Italy. He even saw a change in Kathy when she was forced to make new friends and learn a different language. They grew closer when they had to rely on each other for things like learning a new language and navigating to a grocery store. He was still a workaholic, but when he did make it home, there was a mutual peace that he and Kathy had never had in New York, not even in their youth.

"Eli, can you pour me some more wine before you head out," Elliot asked from a chair on his back patio.

"I got it," Kathy said as she touched Elliot on the arm and went into the kitchen. "Don't stay out too late Eli, okay?"

"Sure," Eli shrugged before disappearing outside. The sound of his motor scooter starting and fading away.

Elliot took the glass from Kathy while sifting through some paperwork in his lap. His phone rang.
He looked at the caller ID, silenced it, and placed it on the side table next to him.

"Who's that," Kathy asked.

"Fin. I talked to him the other day. I have to finish this paperwork."

"Oh wow. You haven't heard from him in years.. How is he?"

"Great. He's doing great. Wanted to see me when I'm in town next week."

"Oh, yeah, you should catch up."

"He also told me that he's getting married in a few weeks and wanted to invite us to the wedding."

"What?!," Kathy gawked. "To who?"

"His old partner. The woman he's been on and off again seeing for years. Phoebe. Have you met Pheobe?"

"No," she paused, taking in that first bit of the sentence, imagining Elliot and Olivia together, and then quickly pushing it from her thoughts. "We should absolutely go to his wedding. We are due for a visit anyway. I miss my grand babies."

"Yeah," he replied unfocused and unsure, his head remained in his papers.

"Kathleen said she ran into Olivia last week."

Elliot's eyes perked up, and then retreated when he caught site of Kathy. He answered, pretending to be vaguely interested. "How's she doing?"

"Fine. I guess Kathleen did most of the talking. Told her about her new job. She is now instagram friends with her. Apparently she has a kid."

"Good for her," he replied shortly.

Kathy laughed. "Good for her? I thought you'd be excited to hear that."

"I am. I am! I don't remember her being on social media."

"Why have you searched for her?"

"No. Just doesn't seem like her kind of thing."

"Ah, so you would have, but you are too old and grumpy to have an instagram account, so you never looked."

Elliot chose to ignore that and deflect. "Actually…eh… Fin also mentioned she's getting some kind of award next week and he wanted me to be a speaker. That's probably why he's calling again."

"Oh, you should do it," Kathy said with excitement.

"No."

"No?! Oh come on, you know her better than anyone," She pleaded.

"No. No," he replied, scrunching his face up and taking a large gulp of wine.

"Why not?," Kathy pushed, genuinely interested in going, but also slightly interested in trying to see if she could get him to fess up to anything. 30 years of marriage and she still felt like Elliot was holding something back when it came to Olivia Benson.

Elliot wasn't playing, though. "What would I even say… at this point?"

He had come to the conclusion that what he felt for Olivia was a delusion, and a long time ago he decided to push that delusion so far down into the depths of his memories, that pulling it back out would hurt like a blade being ripped from his guts. He couldn't see her face or hear her voice or speak her name without feeling great pangs of guilt and lust. Just the thought of her standing across a room from him with that laugh or smile that would inevitably be radiating from her face until she realized he was there, was enough for him to retreat into a big black abyss. The stare before he gets close enough for a hug. The awkward hug, vibrating with so many feelings that he was never brave enough to face. The frown before the silent hurt she would dance around as they made small talk, which would soon turn into anger and resentment with a hint of held back tears that she would hurl at him through those perfect piercing brown eyes. He couldn't do it.

"Wow. Really?," Kathy continued, with a hint of disappointment. "All of the time you spent with her on the job. She's saved your life countless times. She birthed your son. She helped your daughter stay on top of her bipolar therapy. She helped your mother! Something I would NEVER do. She got you to stay with me during our divorce days… I mean, geez, when I list it all out like that, it's no wonder I was always second fiddle, she's a saint, and you can't even show her some appreciation at an award ceremony.``

"A saint? Since when did you become the president of the Olivia Benson fan club?"

"You heard me," Kathy said in all seriousness. "We should go and support her if we're going to be in town for it."

"No, it's…I don't want to ruin her special night."

"Why would you think that?!," She pushed

"I…it's been 10 years. I didn't even say goodbye to her, Kath. I would feel like an ass making a speech. What would I even say? I don't even know her any more. She's got an instagram account, for god sake!"

Kathy laughed. "Everyone in the world but you, has an instagram account, Elliot. So don't make a speech. Let's just go and say hello."

"I have to think about it."

"Well, I'd like to see her. Maybe I'll just go by myself."

Elliot gave her a glare and shook his head.

"Just go," Kathy said with a finite tone.

"Fine. I will get us an air bnb and tell Fin that we're in."

Kathy clapped her hands together. "Fantasticia! This is going to be fun! And, you know what might make seeing her easier, why not write a letter? Keep things light at the ceremony, give her the letter at the end, and then when we see her at Fin's wedding it won't be so awkward. Time heals everything, Elliot. I mean, surely she's married by now. She has a kid. She will understand. It might be easier for us all to be friends now that she isn't constantly calling you to come in to work."

"Yeah…"

But he wasn't fully convinced. It was like telling an alcoholic they could go to a party and just have a sip of booze.

"I think it's assurdo that you and Olivia haven't talked in ten years. I almost don't believe it."

SCENE

The next few days were a whirlwind of Elliot wrapping up cases in Rome and packing for a one month visit to the states. His mind was flipping from the OC case he was working on with the NYPD to what he was going to say or how he was going to act in front of Olivia to renting cars and air bnb's.

Kathy was trying on dresses.

"What about this black one for the award's ceremony and this blue one for the wedding?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't even look."

"I've seen them both before. Did you check in with my brother about Eli staying with them while we're gone?

"Not yet," Kathy replied. .

"Okay! So I have to do that too," He barked as he stomped around stressed out.

"Elliot, I can call him. Now, come on, El, I don't want to look frumpy when we go back to New York."

"Whatever you're comfortable in, Kath. You're not frumpy."

Kathy threw the dresses in a pile on the bed. "Well that's not helpful at all! Maybe Maureen has something I can borrow. What are you wearing?"

"Blue. Liv always likes me in blue, says it brings out my eyes, so I have this new tie, and my Armani suit. She's into designer clothing, or was, I feel like she would appreciate some Armani…"

Elliot was so focused on packing that he didn't realize what was coming out of his mouth. Kathy fell into a silent mental spiral of seeing her husband sneaking away with Olivia in his Armani suit. She would probably have on some amazing little black dress and perfect hair, while Kathy stood there like a mousy house wife. Elliot could sense her sudden uneasy energy the minute the words registered in his brain.

"I mean, I don't know, what do you think? I'm just...pulling stuff."

Kathy stopped herself . "Blue Armani, good choice. You really haven't talked to Olivia in 10 years?"

Elliot redirected and grabbed his phone. "I'm gonna call my brother and get Eli set up. And, no. Keep packing. "

She nodded, but she was stewing.

When he got off the phone with his brother 15 minutes later, she still hadn't let it go. "So what are you going to say to Olivia when you see her?"

"Huh," Elliot responded, half listening and half getting ready for bed. "I don't know. I generally don't plan this stuff out, Kath."

"Did you write that letter?"

"What letter?"

"The letter to Oliva, explaining why you haven't reached out to her."

'Eh…I tried. I couldn't think of anything good to say. It all feels like excuses. I'll just have a few drinks and…I'll wing it."

Kathy was starting to regret pushing him towards this reunion. "Sit down. Let's do this together. It will be so much easier to clear the air, if you say the right things, and writing them down is best.."

Her mind raced with second thoughts. What was going to happen when Elliot takes Olivia to a private space to talk. Tears and hugging, and booze and touching, and then before you know it, Elliot would be having lunch dates with her when he's in town, and the air bnb would turn into a full blown apartment where they can hash out cold cases and watch Mash. Kathy looked at Liv's instagram page after they decided to go to New York, and there was no sign of a husband in those pictures. She had to make sure they both remembered what the objective was, and having a long distance affair was not on that agenda.

Before Elliot could object she had a pen and paper in front of him dictating things he didn't even realize she thought about.

"Write," she said with a forceful, but loving smile.

He sighed and started.

"Liv,"

"No, no, no, write her full name. Olivia. Here's another piece of paper."

He gave her a curt look and she just smiled back at him.

"Olivia, ….Okay now what?"

"I don't know.. maybe something like 'I'm sorry so much time has passed and I haven't reached out to you.' write it.," she said waiting. " It was never my intention to leave SVU without calling or saying goodbye, and I hope that you can understand that I was in a bad place, dealing with my family and my new job. Time just slipped by. I couldn't call you after I made my decision because you were so persuasive at keeping me there. When really what we were to each other was never real and I felt that we got in the way of each being who and where we needed to be. I had to cut things off cold turkey, and I hope we can mend any hurt feelings.."

Elliot stopped. "I can't write that."

"Elliot, you know it's true! Look at you now! You got out of that horrible SVU job, that you were only staying on because of her, and got a huge promotion working for Hilary Clinton. And now you're back on the force, better than ever, in a dream job. You never would have done this had you stayed in New York….with her!"

Elliot looked away while rubbing his face, searching for the answers. "I didn't stay at SVU because of her. I loved…that job."

"Did you?"

He stared at her blankly, he knew on some level she was right, but it was so much deeper than he could ever admit to Kathy..

"Just write that down, Elliot. I'm sure she feels the same, isn't she a Captain now?"

He silently nodded and gave in.

"Fine, what else."

Kathy poured herself a glass of chardonnay and sat on the couch watching him tense up and squirm like a 5th grader who didn't want to write a book report.

"Okay, then you have to talk about her a little. That will make her feel like you were thinking about her well-being, which I'm sure you were."

He looked up at her and curled the side of his lips up in annoyance.

"What? I'm sure it's true. You don't have to lie to me. At the end of the day I won the grand prize," she joked.

"There's the jealous woman I know." He furrowed his brow and continued writing.

She took a sip of wine relishing in his discomfort. "It sucks to have to talk about your feelings, El, I get it. Okay…so how about ', I am happy to hear that you have been promoted to Captain and are receiving awards for your heroic deeds. You were always the best at your job, and it's about time that others take note of it. If there is a man in your life, I hope he is the kind, faithful, devoted man that you deserve."

"Eh…I'm not writing that last part," Elliot wrung his hands.

"Why? It's the truth. She deserves the kind of happiness we have, right?" Kathy smiled and kissed his cheek.

Elliot was not about to start a fight, so he wrote it down.

He scribbled on the paper. "Okay, done. That's all that needs to be said. I need an envelope."

Kathy headed toward the kitchen. "Envelopes are in the office."

Elliot walked back to the office and took one more glance at the page. Thinking of Olivia with another man still brought a flutter of emotion to his gut. He could hear Kathy in the front of the house, and he almost tossed the letter, but the logical side of his brain knew that some of what she said was right. And maybe it would be easier for him to express that in this letter and not face to face. He was about to fold the note and seal it in the envelope, but his thoughts tilted back to the dreams he'd had of her. Still so vivid like it had happened maybe in a different life. He wished he could write a letter about that to her. How they made love on her couch for the first time. How she mothered his children, and maybe they were her children in that coma. How he proposed to her and she turned him down and then said yes three days later, which was as expected.

He grabbed the pen from his ear and added.

"But in a parallel universe, it would always be you and me. Elliot."

Kathy was saying something from the other room and he quickly folded the note and sealed it inside the envelope.

"Our flight leaves at 5am, so we should hit the hay early tonight," Kathy nagged as she zipped up her suitcase.

"Yeah."

They both got into bed. Elliot couldn't sleep. Kathy tried to arouse him, but he pushed her away. He held the side of his head and prayed the thoughts would go away and sleep would take over. They never did.