No Turning Back:
Kakashi stared up at the ceiling with wide, thoughtful eyes, the blinding fluorescent lights glaring right back at him. He had just officially signed the consent forms to go through with the operation, and despite his strong resolve to get his tumor excised, he couldn't help but feel the fear.
He'd given up one of his pale arms to the gentle, but firm grip of a nurse, who was working dexterously to start an IV unit before the surgery. Devoid of any clothing but a thin, blue gown, made out of a papery material that would most likely tear if he were to suddenly escape off of the gurney and bolt out of the prep room, Kakashi shivered, out of both cold and exceptional discomfort.
He jokingly wondered if that was the true purpose of the gown—to make sure he didn't run away, escape at the last minute.
A surgical cap, made of the same material as his gown, was stretched over Kakashi's head. In addition, to make the surgery easier to perform, and less messy, for that matter, a few nurses had come in the night before the big day and shaved off a generous section of his silvery hair, leaving the fresh skin of his scalp exposed to the general chill of the hospital.
He could now safely say that he understood why Sakura loved her hair so much.
The door opened and a few more nurses entered. His unblinking eyes followed their movements as they made their way over to his bed and gripped the metal railings with steady hands, proceeding to roll him out of the door, steadily moving toward the operating room.
Kakashi felt his heart beating against his chest as he watched the ceiling whizz by, a trickle of sweat making its way down his brow, his chest visibly heaving up and down with each shaky inhale and exhale. This was it—there was no going back. One tiny mistake, one minute sliver of extra tissue they cut off could cause irreversible damage.
He could lose his ability to walk, to speak, to comprehend words—he could lose his right to ever be a shinobi, to teach—
"Take a deep breath, Hatake-san," one of the surgical interns said kindly as they pushed him into the double doors of the operating room, noticing his out of sorts gaze, and his nearly palpable anxiousness, "Lady Tsunade is the best surgeon in this village. You're in very good hands."
They swiftly moved him onto the operating table, so that he was looking straight up. The hokage silently observed with Shizune and the rest of her surgical staff as the interns did the preoperative work, all of the tedious tasks, such as administering drugs and fixing the IV line, things that she absolutely dreaded doing. One of the reasons she had actually become a medical ninja, or just a doctor in general, was for that undeniably exhilarating surge of adrenaline that swam through her veins whenever she got a new case, for the unusual high she got in stressful, unbearably tense situations.
"Okay, Kakashi, just one last question and we'll be all set," Shizune started after the staff that wasn't particularly needed in the surgery had left, her voice taking on a professional edge, "Are you absolutely certain that you want to proceed with this craniotomy?"
"Yes," he replied softly, after a small, admittedly uncertain pause. It wasn't like he could just quit right before the operation, anyway. That would be like admitting defeat, equivalent to giving up on both himself and his precious people, practically betraying them.
As scared as he was, as close as Kakashi was to hyperventilating, he couldn't quit.
"Alright then, Eito, you know what you need to do," Tsunade said to her head anesthesiologist, "Start Kakashi on general anesthetics."
The man nodded curtly and came forward with what seemed to be a breathing mask, raising an eyebrow at the obvious obstruction to Kakashi's mouth. The copy ninja stared at him in confusion, before realizing why he had paused amidst the procedure.
"Oh. You can...take it off for the operation, I guess," he muttered, giving up yet another thing to cancer. The doctor awkwardly hooked two fingers into the temporary surgical mask they had provided him with, and managed to yank it down, pausing for a small moment in astonishment at how handsome he was, before quickly strapping the needed equipment over Kakashi's pale visage.
Almost immediately, Kakashi felt as if he were being suffocated.
"I want you to count backward from ten now," Tsunade ordered, her hazel orbs meeting Kakashi's terrified gaze intently, a surgical mask obscuring her own mouth from view, the only indication that she was actually even talking being the way it shifted as she spoke.
"W-wait," Kakashi stammered gruffly, earning himself a glare from Tsunade, "Promise me...promise me that I'll be the same."
The intensity of her stare went down a few notches. "We'll try our best, brat, and that's all we can really do, so I promise that I'll do my utmost best job, okay? Now count backward from ten, or you'll get no anesthetics."
She couldn't promise him anything, but it was her job to make sure he got the dangerous tumor excised, and she'd do anything necessary to make sure that happened.
"Ten, nine..." he started, already feeling a heavy drowsiness settle over him, "...eight...sevuhh..."
His eyes drooped close. There was a quiet murmur among the crowd of surgeons as they adjusted their planned positions around the man, preparing to start.
"Kakashi has lost consciousness," Tsunade informed evenly, more as a formality, as they already knew, "Shall we begin?"
"...Kaka..."
"Kashi..."
"Kakashi..."
He sluggishly opened his eyes, lethargically observing his surroundings. At first, Kakashi was terribly confused.
Where was he?
From the way his back sunk into something soft underneath him, a mattress, he presumed, and the starch white blankets that cocooned his form, he was able to tell that he was in a bed—a hospital bed, as the lingering smell of antiseptic tingled his nostrils. Oh, and there was a stifling tube down his throat, and he wouldn't typically stuff breathing support down his mouth on his own volition.
"Kakashi? Can you hear me?"
He looked around for the origin of the foreign noise, finally finding that it was coming from a bosomy, blonde woman hovering over him, one who seemed to exude an air of dominance and strength. When he failed to answer, she turned to her assistant, her hazel orbs gleaming with something akin to fear, or vanishing hope.
"I've been calling his name for a while now, Shizune, he still hasn't said a word! I screwed up, God I messed him up!" the woman said frantically. Though Kakashi couldn't recognize her, due to how blurred and foggy his vision was, even he could tell that such neurotic behavior was uncharacteristic of her.
"No, you didn't, Lady Tsunade! Honestly, you lose all sense of judgment when you panic, " the raven-haired woman chuckled, "He's still intubated, of course he can't speak. And look—he's staring directly at us."
The blonde face palmed at her silliness, laughing nervously as she wiped the drops of perspiration that had accumulated on her brow. Shizune was right. Kakashi would be fine…hopefully.
"Okay..you can decannulate, Shizune. His O2 sats and heart rate are stable enough," Tsunade prompted, waiting with crossed arms to hear Kakashi's voice for the first time after the lengthy surgery. Shizune nodded quickly and set out to work, performing a procedure that she had quite a lot of experience with as a doctor.
Soon enough, the tubes that had been stuck down his windpipe were taken out, and despite the initial discomfort, Kakashi was glad that he could breathe on his own again. His face felt bare and cold, and he wondered, even in his drugged state, where his mask was.
"Kakashi," Tsunade said again, looking at him earnestly, placing a hand on his shoulder to demonstrate her sincerity, "How are you? Do you feel any pain?"
"What...happened?" he slurred in response, his voice dry and croaky, husky with exhaustion. He truly was a pitiful sight, with the mound of bandages that were wrapped tightly around his wounded head, and how lost he looked in the midst of the hospital blankets.
The Hokage frowned deeply.
"You mean, you don't remember?" Tsunade questioned with a sense of urgency, "Kakashi, you're in the hospital. Last night, you had a craniotomy, a brain surgery to treat your tumor."
Slowly, Kakashi brought a pale hand up to his head, gingerly tracing the foreign bandages covering his scar, feeling the coarse fibers of the gauze under his tingling, heavy fingers, "A surgery? Why is everything so weird? I can't seem to remember..."
"Yeah," she said in return, heaving a stressed sigh, "Don't worry though. This happens sometimes. You'll probably remember after a good rest—the drugs from the surgery have yet to wear off."
"Also, don't touch your head," she added sternly, noticing how he was still messing with his bandages. He had drains coming out of his wound to drain blood and prevent fluid buildup, and another tube to monitor his intracranial pressure.
His hands sluggishly dropped back to his side, a drip attached to his wrist, a different needle going into the artery on his arm.
"My mask…where is it…" he drawled tiredly, his lidded, bruised eyes opening and closing slowly as he tried his best to keep them open. Even in his impaired state, he felt a bit annoyed that his favorite piece of cloth was missing.
Tsunade sighed, drawing the thin sheet over his nose, so that only his eyes were peeking out from the top. "I'll find it for you—It's probably in your hospital ward. Right now you're in the recovery room."
He breathed out in approval, and shut his lids, unable to stop himself from drifting off into a deep sleep.
Kakashi's Genin entered his hospital room, Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai slowly following after them. It was at least a day and a half after the initial operation, and this was the first time they had actually been allowed to see their friend, as Kakashi had been too busy being poked and prodded, in a post-operative care room, where visitors were not allowed. At least that was what they'd been told.
Laying eyes on him after anxiously waiting for so long was both a great relief and a shock at the same time. They were glad that he was not dead, obviously, but unnerved by the fact that he needed a breathing mask, and the plethora of tubes and needles that were sticking out of him. Probably what unsettled them the most were the thick bandages wrapped around his skull, that made him seem even more uncharacteristically weak on the hospital bed.
The adrenaline still rushing through Naruto, Sakura, and even Sasuke's veins prompted them to hurry to their teacher's bedside, to make sure with their own eyes that he was fine. What they had hoped for was a verbal affirmation from the man, but that was not possible, as he was fast asleep before them, his arms resting limply at his sides, his even inhales and exhales fogging up the oxygen mask that had been placed over his normal one.
"Man, Kakashi-sensei's asleep?! Now we'll have to wait even longer to talk to him!" Naruto cried, throwing his hands in the air out of exasperation. Sasuke rolled his eyes, shaking his head at the "dead-last's" idiocy.
"Of course he isn't awake, stupid. Kakashi just had a brain operation. He's tired, and he should be. Who knows how long it'll take to recover from something like this," Sasuke commented with a sigh, his voice gravelly from the lack of proper rest. Sakura nodded in agreement, a pair of prominent dark circles under her own jade orbs.
"Yeah, I bet he's exhausted. Poor Kakashi-sensei, all of this must be so painful..." she added sympathetically, noticing how there was deep, purplish-red bruising around his swollen eyes, and on top of his cheekbones.
"You know, you kids should really go home and get some sleep," Kurenai encouraged with a crinkle of worry between her two scrunched eyebrows upon noticing how tired they were, her maternal instincts kicking in, "It'll probably be a while before he wakes up."
In truth, it wasn't only the children who were tired—the three jonin were just as exhausted, as they had also been nervously sitting in a hospital waiting room for over a day, barely sleeping and eating. Now that the initial adrenaline was draining out of them, they were left with nothing but sore joints and a lethargic, but intense worry for their friend.
It was safe to say that they all needed some sleep, even Maito Gai. And a decent meal.
"No...please, can we just wait for a little more?" Sakura pleaded, hoping that in the little time that they would hopefully be permitted, Kakashi would open his eyes and talk to them, like he used to. Kurenai sighed, closing her eyes tightly to ward off her overwhelming weariness.
Before the Kunoichi could answer, the distinct sound of someone's growling stomach managed to steal her attention. Upon turning toward the noise, she was met with the sight of Asuma gripping his empty stomach, an embarrassed blush dusting his tan cheeks.
"You know what," she said, sharing an amused smile with the Sarutobi, "I'll take you up on that offer, under one condition— you have to let us bring you lunch, and eat all of it, too."
"Yes, yes, I agree! The youth of Konoha absolutely have to eat in order to replenish the fire that burns in their hearts and powers the springtime of their youth!" Gai agreed from behind the woman, admittedly drained of a good portion of his characteristic "youth" as well.
"That's hardly a condition, Kurenai-sensei! I LOVE all kinds of food! Just make sure that you don't give me a salad, or something..." Naruto chirped in return, grimacing at the thought of fresh vegetables. Kurenai's glossy lips curved upwards sweetly, her eyes crinkling into crescents. So this was the boy that her Hinata loved so much. And she could see why—he was already infecting her sullen mood with his cheery attitude.
They were broken out of their lighthearted conversation when the hokage herself entered the bleak room, for once without Shizune, who she'd forced into doing her paperwork so that she would be able to pop in for a visit.
"G-Granny Tsunade!" Naruto shouted, the first to speak up out of them all, "How's Sensei? Did the surgery go well?"
They all looked up to her expectantly, as all of them had the exact same question. How is he actually doing?
Tsunade sighed. "He's...fine. We managed to excise most of the tumor without too many complications," she said, tentatively letting herself believe that the operation had been a success, "He'll be fine...okay? Anyway, y'all look like hell. I suggest that you get some sleep. And shower."
"Please! Just a little more time!" Sakura cried, close to tears. She was exhausted of all her stamina, both physical and emotional, and dangerously close to breaking down after all the overwhelming events of the past two days.
All the young kunoichi wanted was for him to be a sensei, their sensei again—she couldn't care less if her hair got ruffled and messed up in the process. Sakura realized that she actually preferred that he read his lewd books all the time, rather than to see him lie on a hospital bed, motionless, barely even alive.
Tsunade raised her hands in surrender, eyes widening in surprise at the Haruno's emotional display. "Alright, alright, calm down...Well, before I leave, I'd like to have a word with you three," she prompted authoritatively, directing her gaze to the jonin of the group, "Come, let's step outside."
The adults left the room with the hokage, reminding Kakashi's genin that when they came back, it would be with a meal that they had to finish, no questions asked.
So it was in that way that the children were left alone to gaze upon their teacher's prone, sleeping form. They were tired- so sleepy that even their thoughts were slow, pacing languidly through their minds.
Naruto was the first to succumb to his physically demanding needs. Without paying any mind to his constant rivalry with Sasuke, the blonde trudged to Kakashi's bedside and kicked off his sandals, wasting no time in climbing into bed with him. Naruto's two teammates watched in unmasked astonishment as he snuggled into Kakashi's side, shifting so that the blankets covered his form.
"Dunno, about you guys...but I'm beat. Nighty...night," The Uzumaki mumbled dazedly, wrapping an arm around his teacher's firm abdomen, his blonde hair brushing against Kakashi's shoulder.
Yawning, Sakura watched the two, the remaining spot on the small hospital looking more enticing with each passing second that she remained on her feet. Standing there, the kunoichi came to a realization- her feet ached. Her legs felt no more stronger than a tub of jelly. Her eyes were dry. There was another yawn at the back of her throat, just itching to escape through her mouth. Sakura needed to sleep.
Timidly, she started toward the bed and lifted the covers, proceeding to scoot into the remaining space. The Haruno forgot that her crush was watching her and used Kakashi's arm as a pillow, her nose buried into his hard chest. On any other occasion, such a level of intimacy would be too much for her, but at the moment, it was nothing but warm and inviting. She hugged Kakashi tightly, pressing herself against him to absorb the comforting heat, sniffing his shirt to take in the familiar scent of sandalwood.
Soon, the two Genin had fallen fast asleep, their breathing evening out, contented smiles on their faces.
Sasuke sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. God, he was exhausted. But even if there was still some space left on Kakashi's measly bed, he would not have taken it. No, he would never do such an atrocious thing. He watched them in disdain, disgusted by how they were cuddling with him.
The Uchiha pulled up a weak-legged chair to Kakashi's bed with a screech, proceeding to sit down heavily. Within a few mere seconds, his head slumped forward next to his sensei's feet, his dry, onyx eyes drooping closed as he too fell into a deep slumber.