Chapter 19: A Life is a Life.
Shizune thrust the paddles onto Kakashi's bare, clammy chest, forcing direct, electrical pinpoints of chakra straight to his fluttering heart in an attempt to shock it back into normality. His back arched suddenly, body jerking off of the mattress in protest, then falling back onto the surface with a limp thud.
The medical professionals around him paused amidst their procedure for a moment, their bodies tingling with adrenaline as they searched his heart rhythm for any signs of recovery. The lines were still erratic.
He was still coding into oblivion.
Her hearing heightened through the utter seriousness of the life or death situation, Shizune heard the electric buzz of the recharging paddles, and her hokage's demanding but desperate cry for them to increase the power, defibrillate again, do something, anything.
"Clear!" Shizune cried out.
The kunoichi attempted once again to revive his normal rhythm, barely having time to breathe, much less wipe the growing sweat on her brow. His torso seized off of the bed in response to the buzzing electric charge. As he flopped down, they waited, prayed for the scribbling lines on the monitor to stop being so life-threateningly erratic, because in these situations, luck was just as vital as technique.
But despite their efforts, the room was still flooded by what seemed like a million fast, uneven beats with every wasted second that ticked past.
Shizune paused uncertainly, the paddles shaking in her quivering hands, her heart hammering past her rib cage. With every ragged breath of hers becoming closer together, and every breath of Kakashi's growing further apart, the incessant voice inside of her became overwhelmingly louder, saying I can't do this.
She looked at Kakashi's face with gaping eyes, hearing a ringing in her ears, feeling as if everything were in slow motion. His eyes were closed shut, lidden with deep, purple splotches of exhaustion. His perfect features were bony and gaunt, a sickly white tint. His chest was barely moving. Could this really be the end of such a valuable life? Was this the end of his fight with cancer?
"Shizune!" Tsunade called, finding a way to teach her assistant a vital lesson even through the hectic nature of the code. "Dr. Shizune. How will you proceed?"
The Hokage's pupil looked up for a moment, completely smitten, but didn't take long to quickly glance back at the copy-nin. It wasn't about how valuable his life was, she realized in an epiphany. It was a life of a human with a heart that beat just as hers did, and she'd be damned if she didn't save it.
Taking in a sharp, shuddering inhale, Shizune nodded, straightening up and holding out the paddles with a growing sense of firmness.
"Increase charge to 360 volts," she instructed, watching in her peripheral vision as someone immediately did exactly as she'd said. "Clear!"
He rose and fell with a sickening thump. There was absolutely no change. But no, she couldn't just stop.
Tsunade watched Shizune work with crossed arms, her chest set aflame with a strange, mixed feeling of anxiety and growing admiration. She could only grow taller with pride as she noticed a new will in her younger's work, a powerful mindset that she took years to find herself.
"Clear!" Shizune exclaimed, her eyes growing increasingly wet, voice cracking with emotion. "Come on, Kakashi! Don't die on me!"
As if someone were controlling him like he were a puppet, Kakashi's thorax wrenched off of the table, proceeding to hammer down with the force of gravity.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
A deep sigh escaped his pale, chapped lips.
The whole room exhaled collectively, some wiping the sweat off of their foreheads, winded, while others stood still as a statue, looking stoically to the Hokage for instructions, as they were completely used to such situations.
Shizune, on the other hand, thrust the paddles into the closest person's arms and rushed away from that damned hospital bed, her clammy hands fumbling with the doorknob before opening it and making a clumsy exit.
"Shizune!"
She heard Tsunade calling after her. She knew that running out of a situation was not the way to go. She knew, but frankly, the need to breathe, coupled with a panicked, overwhelmed, confused mind, overrode any rationale that she had left.
So, Shizune hurried down the hallways like a helpless child, her breath struggling to get past her throat, her brows turned up as she struggled to cope with an emotion she hadn't ever felt before.
She ducked into a bathroom and fled to the nearest stall, bending down and abruptly emptying the contents of her stomach out into the toilet, her trembling palms digging into the porcelain sides. Why was the adrenaline still coursing through her veins? Why was her chest still tight with anxiety?
On unsteady legs, Shizune stood, venturing toward the row of sinks. She ran the tap and splashed some water on her face, wiping away the tears and the sweat from earlier, really trying to put the whole situation behind her.
But as she looked at her ashen face in the mirror, she knew that she would never able to forget the terrified look in Kakashi's red-rimmed eyes, and how close he came to being buried six feet underneath the ground she walked on.
He woke slowly, blinking to clear the drug-induced fog that had gathered in his vision.
Immediately, he felt a tight sort of heaviness near his breastbone, as if the area had gone through recent trauma. His throat was uncomfortably constricted, a thick tube regulating his intake of oxygen. The needles in his arms provided a dull ache that only added to the overall feeling of being charred and peeled from the inside out. A familiar odor drifted in and out of his nose. Antiseptic.
Hospital. That's where he was.
Kakashi pushed his elbows into the mattress with a choked, muffled groan, and shakily attempted to sit up, remembering the painful events that had transpired before he'd lost consciousness. An overwhelming pain in his chest, then nothing. A black void had enveloped him, his body's personal painkiller.
He wanted to get out. He needed to fucking get out.
Kakashi looked down at his knuckles wildly and yanked the many tubes off, blood spurting out from the self induced injuries. Next, he tugged the electrodes off his chest and violently pulled out the tube from his throat, coughing and sputtering as his body breathed on its own for the first time in a while.
Immediately, the discarded electrodes produced a low flat line. He had only a limited amount of time before a nurse came in to check upon the disturbance. If Kakashi wanted to get out, he needed to think fast.
Already, he sensed approaching chakra, hearing hurried footsteps only a few moments later. In a panic, Kakashi slipped off of the bed with trembling ankles in nothing but a hospital gown, making the familiar signs with his fingers to teleport back home, a place he'd almost completely abandoned.
Kakashi reappeared in front of his doorstep. He was heaving unhealthily, and there was sweat trickling down his pale, gaunt visage. However, he somehow managed to find the key hidden underneath his welcome mat and unlock the door.
Shuddering as if it were too cold, Kakashi unsteadily trudged inside and shut the door behind him. He felt like shit, but at least he was out of that hellhole. Any sane person would have a little more hesitation to go home right after a heart attack, while they have a tumor in their brain, because the consequences of such a simple action could turn out to be fatal. But he was just so done with all of this chemotherapy bullshit that made him worse off than before.
And besides, Kakashi was never sane to began with.
Stars appearing in his vision, the world spinning nauseatingly, Kakashi wheezed, his knees buckling and hitting the ground. He fell forward, clutching his palpitating chest, as it was beating unevenly, and uncomfortably hard. The chemotherapy must have really messed with his heart, Kakashi concluded humorlessly.
Soon enough, his head hit the floor, the world going black once again as his eyes rolled back into his head.
The next time he woke, it was to the sound of strained whispering, in the comfort of his own bed. Squinting his eyes open, Kakashi realized through blurry vision that there were people congregated in his room, having a heated argument from the looks of it. He sat up against his pillows with a pained exhale, his shuriken patterned sheets falling to his lap.
Immediately everyone's attention turned toward him. For a while Kakashi stared at Asuma, Kurenai, Gai, and Tsunade dumbfoundedly, as they didn't say anything to him, and he was frankly too confused to utter something himself.
"K-kakashi...you're awake," Kurenai started, breaking the silence, blinking as if she couldn't believe that he was conscious. He wondered how long he'd been out, if she was reacting in such a manner at him being awake.
Kakashi acknowledged her statement, but didn't say a word in return.
"My Rival! You had us worried!" Gai exclaimed finally, brows furrowed as he made his way to Kakashi's bedside, "How could you think to leave the hospital in your condition? Have you completely lost your mind?!"
Sighing, Kakashi looked up and made fearless eye contact with the man, realizing that for once his rival actually seemed genuinely angry. Furious, even-But that was to be expected.
Watching the encounter and noting Kakashi's new demeanor, Tsunade raised a brow. "That's it. You're coming back to the hospital with me now. No questions asked," she prompted sternly. He stared at her blankly, not making a single move to get up.
"Did you not hear what I just said?" Tsunade reiterated in agitation, her hands resting on her hips, "We're going back to the hospital, right now!"
No," he told her plainly. He looked calm on the surface, but in truth, anger was boiling up from deep within him. Everyone except Asuma looked shocked at his defiant answer to the hokage.
"What did you just say to me? Enough of the tough act, Kakashi. You're going back to the hospital, unless you're fine with dying," she said, crossing her arms and practically glaring at the man for being so juvenile with his health.
"Then I'm fine with dying."
Tsunade's eyes widened, her face paling. Was he serious?
"Enough of this, my rival! Take the help you deserve! Why are you being so childish?" Gai shouted indignantly, concerned more than he was mad.
"Help? You call that help?" Kakashi hissed finally, throwing off the blankets and slowly standing up so that he was face to face with his friend. "Help isn't supposed to give you a heart attack. Help isn't supposed to make you so weak that you can't do anything that gives you reason to live. Help isn't supposed to make you worse off than before."
Gai blinked. "But this help is what's keeping you alive, Kakashi. You need to go back to the hospital. If not for yourself, then do it for us!"
In a completely unexpected moment, the copy nin thrust forward and shoved Gai back in an unusual expression of his frustration. Gai staggered back from the impact, watching as his friend kept advancing.
"I'm done killing myself so you guys can have some peace of mind. To hell with y'all and to hell with my life!" Kakashi practically shouted, as if he were finally releasing his true feelings since his diagnosis.
Regaining his balance, Gai looked him over, as if he couldn't recognize the person he was talking to.
"You need help, Kakashi. You need to get some damn help, because clearly, this cancer has already affected your brain," Gai started quietly, standing stiff and serious. "This isn't my rival. No, this isn't the friend I've come to know."
There was a moment of silence, Asuma, Kurenai, and Tsunade tensing up at his bold statement. Kakashi's fists were at his sides, clenching harder and harder as he took in the declaration. He felt dehumanized, like a guinea pig that was constantly being tested and poked and prodded. He felt the anger, the sadness, the desperation- all of it fuming up from deep within him, like a noxious gas that poisoned any piece of happiness and vitality he had left.
Without warning, he thrust himself forward and punched Gai right in the face.
The man practically flew back, crying out at the unexpected attack. For a man with cancer, Kakashi was pretty strong. Asuma leaped forward on instinct, grabbing the copy nin's arms and pulling him back, restraining him before he did any further damage to his friend's cheekbones.
Kakashi strained against him, raging blindly at anything or anyone that provoked him.
"Do you see what I mean now!" Gai said loudly, one hand cupping his already bruised cheek. "You're the most selfish person I know, you know that? How could you even think to stop treatment, when your students depend on you as a role model! Do you not care about them at all?"
"I'm selfish?" Kakashi hissed lowly, still fighting against Asuma's grips. "This whole time, I've been fighting for y'all. I've been destroying myself because I don't want Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto to wake up without a sensei one day. I don't ever want them to feel the pain I felt when Minato-sensei died."
Shuddering, he continued. "You just watch as I die, Gai. You don't care if my hair falls out, or if I can't walk, or if I throw up god knows how many times a day. No, you just want me to be alive."
Miserable, but alive.
Kakashi started to pale, shaking against Asuma, his breaths coming in pants. Asuma's brows furrowed, as he'd noticed the sudden lack of energy in the man.
"Hey, I think it's time you sit down, Kakashi," the Sarutobi started worriedly, feeling the man go more and more limp.
"All of you...get out..." he started timidly, the anger surging back up even through all the exhaustion. "Get out of my house. Leave me alone!"
His eyes looked crazed and bloodshot, fists shivering and itching with the need to hurt something. He just wanted everyone to be gone. He needed to breathe. He needed to fucking breathe.
Kakashi writhed and struggled against Asuma, jutting his elbow into his gut with as much force as he could manage. The man hissed and jumped back at the sudden attack.
"I'm not going to a goddamn hospital..." he breathed, shoulders rising and falling with each strained heave. "Get...out..."
The world went black.
A/n: hey guys it's been a min. A lot of shit happened. Went to rehab cause I tried to kms and I have a drug addiction lmao. Been working on this chap for a year but never got to posting it. Hope you enjoy and as always leave reviews.