"Men always want to be a woman's first love. That is their clumsy vanity. Women have a more subtle instinct about things: What they like is to be a man's last romance." —Iroh, Probably

Now

It had been her first time, their only time, and only hours before he married another woman. Even knowing what she now knew about Zuko and Ming Na, Katara didn't believe it was a right thing. That didn't mean she regretted it; that didn't mean that she would take it back if she could or would change a single moment. She wouldn't change it, had never in all this time, wanted to undo that night even if it was what she should feel.

Then

She'd gone to the wedding as was expected. She'd come with Aang and Suki and Sokka only 15 months after she'd pretended to be Zuko's-No. After she had been Zuko's and he had been hers. She thought he'd been as disappointed as her to end things when the conspirators were finally caught in a trap of Sokka's devising. Relieved, of course, to be done with that part, but unbearably sad to end their relationship. They'd never done more than kiss really, yearning, in the time they'd been together, courting as a ruse, but she'd thought he was as in love with her as she was with him.

They'd never said it out loud. Never even acknowledge that they spent spare minutes kissing in places where no one would catch them at it because they wanted to kiss. Never acknowledged that they held hands when they were alone because they liked to touch while they shared secrets or silences. Of course, they hadn't; they'd always known it would end; it was all just a plan, a trick, a strategy.

She'd always known the Fire Nation would never accept her.

Still, Katara had thought it would take him longer than three months to become engaged to someone appropriate. Longer than that to reconcile himself to choosing a bride to continue the line rather than out of love and admiration and a desire to spend his life with her. Longer than that to not feel guilty kissing another woman, holding another woman.

Even in fifteen months, Katara hadn't kissed another man. Hadn't wanted to. They'd told the world that though they had great affection for one another, they realized they were better as friends and allies, that the Fire Nation needed a strong Fire Lady from the Fire Nation. Told the world that Katara knew she was needed in the South Pole, needed by the Avatar. She and Zuko had met only once, briefly, since then. Yet now she was back in the Fire Palace, back in her old rooms, preparing to pretend it wouldn't break her heart to watch Zuko bind himself to someone else.

In the three days since she'd arrived for the festivities, she'd spoken to Iroh and avoided the Night Blooming Garden where she and Zuko had walked so many evenings; she had tea with Ursa and Kiri and didn't throw food to the turtle ducks in the pond because that was Zuko's favorite activity; she'd sat formally during performances in honor of Zuko and Ming Na and never looked to see if the two held hands while they watched; she had bowed formally to both in a reception line, and feigned illness during the Team Avatar private dinner with the Fire Lord and his bride.

She pretended she didn't notice the way her friends watched her with worry, the way the Fire Nation Court studied every move she made to see if she would try to disrupt the union, the way she sometimes caught Zuko's fire eagle eyes watching her with an intensity that made her burn.

But it was finally the day before. The nuptials took place with the sunrise and then it would be done. Whatever half-formed thoughts she had of pleading with him not to marry Ming Na or shadow thoughts about throwing herself on the mercy of the Fire Sages and begging them to let her, Katara, be his wife instead couldn't tempt her after they made their vows. Soon. Soon.

By the time night fell, though, she knew she had to at least see him once, see him alone, tell him….she'd figure it out. But just once more, before he was married, she needed to speak with him. After tomorrow morning, everything would be irrevocably changed and she'd have no right to….Who was she kidding? She had no right now.

Acknowledging the truth of it, the dishonor inherent in the action didn't stop her. It didn't stop her from sending a message to the Fire Lord or from waiting for him in the night-blooming garden, their garden. It didn't stop her from dressing carefully to see him. He liked her hair down so she let it float free; he liked to stroke his hand along the exposed skin of her back so she wore a top cropped above her belly button that draped over one shoulder and left the other bare. Suki had taught her how to make her eyes dramatic, her lips glossy. She wasn't going to ask him to be hers, but she wanted him to remember her at her best.

Who was she lying to? She wanted him to wish he had asked.

Now

"I admire everything you've done, every hard decision. I wouldn't have wanted you to make any others. But... it hurts. Still." She closed her eyes, one hand lifting to her chest as the other fisted at her belly. "Not what we did, but what we didn't get a chance to do. It hurts in ways I never expected."

She steadied herself with a breath even as the ocean tore at the sand under her, met his hawk-gold eyes again. " I didn't think loving you and watching you marry someone, have a beautiful child with someone would keep aching this way. I didn't think I'd imagine what our children might look like or what it, what it might be like to wake up next to you the day after our wedding.

"It's done. And it's past. And there's no fault for you or me or Ming Na. I always knew the Fire Sages, the Fire Council, the people of the Fire Nation wouldn't want a Waterbender for a Fire Lady."

She shrugged, palms up, unable to express the sheer inevitable weight that she'd known was set against them. "When you talk about how grateful you are," her eyes were shining, wet with unshed tears, "I hate it. I hate it so much. Don't be grateful. Don't be grateful that I loved you when you deserve to be loved. Don't be grateful when I know you made so many sacrifices for your people and you deserve so much more from life than a marriage with a friend and a list, a list of names of women with suitable connections and lineage!"

Then

"Katara?"

Zuko's raspy voice sent sparks racing and she turned, quick to drink him in even as he was half-in shadow. It was a new moon and only a distant torch broke the dark. "Zuko."

"I'm glad you sent the note. I was planning to come to you tonight. I haven't...we haven't managed to be alone at all."

He kept coming forward and Katara, forgetting she'd promised herself this was just a goodbye, moved to meet him. "Why would you come to me?"

"Why would you send for me?" They stared at one another, Katara's head tilted up and Zuko's down as if at the very beginning of a kiss.

"I," Katara's breath came quick and shallow. "I wanted to...congratu-

"Don't." Harshly.

"I wanted...I thought…"

Zuko's hand came up, so gently he brushed his fingertips to her cheek. "I've missed you. Every day. You never answered my letters."

"I did." She protested, leaning into his touch.

His smile was wry as he skimmed his hand back into the silk of her hair. "Not really. It was all very formal. You told me all about Sokka and Aang and Hakoda. Even Ty Lee. I don't give a fu-"

"Then why are you talking about her now?" Katara interrupted softly, aching to touch. Aching from his touch.

Suddenly Zuko dropped his hand, stepped back. A guard emerged moments later; Zuko dismissed the man with a jerk of his head. "We can't talk here."

Katara huffed a laugh. "We shouldn't be talking anywhere. This was a mistake. Good night."

But he caught her hand, again, so gently. "Please. Please come to my room. I'll bring you through the passages. And...we can..have some privacy. There are things I want to tell you, ask you…"

She knew she should say no but, instead, she curled her hand with his and squeezed. "Then lead the way."

But as they moved through the quiet palace, hugging the shadows until they could slip like spirits through a wall, the tension grew and curled, turned into something heavy and silky and warm. So when Katara brushed past Zuko, or was meant to, as he held the wall open to his chambers, she turned instead of continuing on. They were perfectly aligned. Touching for the first time in 15 months. His eyes gleamed in the dark. She went onto her toes and kissed him.

Now

"Are you two coming?" Sokka's deep voice boomed and Katara startled back.

There was a moment, a moment when she kept her eyes on Zuko's but then she twisted and he watched a smile start off forced, then bloom as Sokka trudged up the beach. "You sleep half the day and have the nerve to yell at His Highness the Fire Lord for taking a walk?" She called with sham indignance on behalf of said Fire Lord.

Sokka closed the distance to his sister, grinning at her, then slung an arm over her shoulder. He twisted to look back where Zuko was still standing. "C'mon, Sparky, Toph demands your presence." Sokka waited until Zuko met his eyes and the Councilman looked, for a moment, as if he were searching his friend for something. Zuko hoped he couldn't guess at what the two had been talking about, at what he was feeling. Then Sokka turned away, squeezing Katara's shoulder and saying, "What're you cooking for breakfast?"

Then

She knew exactly what was happening. Katara could have stopped it at any time. She had no intention of stopping it, of stopping him or herself. When Zuko's hands found her waist and he guided her deep into his room, she ran her hands over his arms, into his hair. When he would have stood still she drew him back with her towards the large, canopied bed. When they knelt on it together and he whispered his questions: Was she sure? Was this okay? Did she want him to stop? Katara only gave the answers that were true: Yes. Yes. Never.

His mouth and his hands were so warm, so gentle. Her blood danced like the lights over the North Pole. She never had to ask where to touch because everywhere she explored he murmured his rough approval.

When they came together- when he was over her and in her-she felt tears on her cheeks. Felt him tense as he wiped one away. He began to pull back, an apology stammering out, but Katara laughed, all throaty joy, and held him to her. "It's so...perfect. I didn't know…" She held his hand to her cheek, kissed his palm. "I didn't know I'd feel so...good." Such a weak word for how she felt. She'd never seen him smile quite like that.

After, they lay curled together, Zuko stroking her hair, her back. Katara pressing lazy kisses against his chest where her head rested. She dozed off and fond, when she woke, he was still awake and the sun was not yet rising. So she lifted her mouth to his, thinking only that she wanted to be as close to him as possible; to hear his breathing go quick and ragged, to see if he'd have that lazy, satisfied smile that had flickered just after.

They helped each other dress in the dark, in the quiet, quick soft kisses brushed on a shoulder, a cheek. Katara waited, thinking now he'd ask her whatever it was he'd wanted when they'd started this night.

Zuko said nothing as he held her hand through the passages, down the halls despite the guards who saw them as they made their way to her rooms. At her door, reality finally set in. This was it. This had all been goodbye.

She uncurled her fingers from his and gave him a smile she knew was ruined by tears. "I love you." Before anything else could be said or done, she rushed into the room and snapped the door shut.

Now

As it turned out, Sokka hadn't been joking about Katara cooking, but Katara didn't cook alone. He helped. He kept it light while they worked, reaching over her head and teasing about her height, challenging her to see who could cook the best sausages. This was brotherly worry and they both knew it. She gave him a quick hug before they took out platters piled with their work.

They had breakfast together, all of them. Conversation ebbed and flowed. They teased each other, laughed together. Zuko told stories about five-year-old Izumi that had them all grinning. It passed for normal, Katara told herself.

Except that Toph had a look, her piquant face thoughtful and her head tipped, that worried Katara. The Earthbender always saw too much. But it was okay. What could she know? That Katara and Zuko were having some tension? That had been true for years, forever, in fact. And if there was something in Zuko's eyes that made her remember sultry nights when she'd just barely become an adult, it was probably just that: memories, troublesome ghosts of a life that might have been.

After, she excused herself, pleading for a nap. Really, she needed to work through those ghosts, the ones she didn't even know had been haunting her: the revelation that he'd asked the Fire Sages, more than once, to let him marry her. That he'd wanted to marry her. That if Azula hadn't been a threat they might have, he might have….

She didn't sleep. She laid down. She paced. Then she sat on the floor and meditated as Aang had taught her. It was a very loud meditation since Katara kept sighing when she couldn't get her brain to Shut Up.

Later that afternoon, after the smell of fish cooking down by the shore, had wafted to her and dissipated, signaling lunch was well over, there was a knock on her door. She imagined Aang was worried but when she opened the door, Toph was there, all messy hair and pink-cheeked from the sun.

"Well?" Said the earthbender baldly.

"Well what?"

"We made a deal, the five of us. And you being up in this room sulking ain't part of it."

"I'm not sulking."

Toph snorted and shoved in. Katara reluctantly shut the door, closing them in together. But she didn't move far from her potential escape, crossing her arms and leaning her back on the door.

Toph flopped on Katara's bed. "Sure you are. You and Zuko both are all…." she waved her hands in the air and made a face Katara couldn't even pretend to interpret. "It's distracting, Sugar Queen."

Feeling brittle as thin ice, Katara deadpanned her response. "I'm so sorry my feelings are disturbing your vacation."

Toph snorted again. "You should be but you aren't. What the hell are you waiting for, Katara?"

"Excuse me?"

"When are you gonna tell him you're still in love with him?"

"Get. Out." When Toph started to speak instead of leaving, Katara threw open the door and took herself out.

Aang poked his head in after the Very Loud Exit only to find Toph still sprawled on Katara's bed. "Toph? Is Katara okay? Should I-"

"You should not." Her arm shot out, one finger stretched out in a hard emphasis. "You absolutely should not. But if they don't work it out soon I'm putting them in a rock cell 'til they do."

If Aang knew the "they" was Zuko and Katara, he didn't say as much. "I hope they work it out, then," was his noncommittal exit line.

But Toph had other ideas: "Wait!" When Aang had returned to the doorway, she said, "Get in here, Twinkle Toes. I need to talk to you too. About this harem…"

A/N: Iroh's quote is actually from Oscar Wilde's A Woman of No Importance

Title paraphrased from Don't Speak by No Doubt