Kakashi's lone eye gazed outside the window at the falling snow, glossed over. His body remained completely still, save for the few times his fingers twitched against his side, eager to rip off his IV drip.
The painkillers barely kept his agony at bay—he had to make a conscious effort to stay calm, afraid that if he made any sudden movements, he'd set off the fire in his abdomen.
All he could do was lay silently and think about the news Tsunade had given him for hours on end. He had new tumors, and no treatment was working on even his old ones. Two different cancers in one body.
He had been given his death sentence.
Kakashi shivered, rivulets of cold sweat streaming down his neck and face, his toes clenching under the white sheets. It was safe to say that he needed more medication.
Just then, the door opened timidly and a man clad in a tight, green jumpsuit slowly ambled in, holding a bouquet of winter pansies from the Yamanaka floral shop. Kakashi watched dully as Gai set the flowers by the window, by many others, and paused to open the blinds a little more to let in sunlight for his sick friend.
As if vitamin D would help his current situation.
"Hey," he started, finally taking a seat by his bedside, "Sorry I wasn't able to come earlier, I…"
Gai's voice faltered as he took in his rival's appearance.
His hair was grossly dampened with perspiration and matted to his forehead, visage ashen to the point of being gray. Deep, purple blotches bloomed under Kakashi's glassy, lidden eyes, his body shivering feverishly against an ever present pain.
The flamboyant man couldn't help but notice how pronounced his friend's cheekbones were becoming, how gaunt he looked.
Kakashi turned his head with a strained, whistling exhale, locking gazes with him. Gai held his breath, realizing he'd never seen the Hatake's eyes hold so much misery.
"It's good to see you…" the copy nin managed to get out, voice cracking from disuse. The talking stirred up the dormant phlegm in his airway, immediately sending him into a fit of harsh, wet coughs.
Kakashi clutched his chest as he wheezed for a proper breath, desperately attempting to sit up to alleviate the pressure on his lungs. He let out a sharp cry of pain as the change in position further irritated his recently transplanted liver.
Gai quickly placed a strong, tanned hand on his back for support, feeling the ridges of his ribs against his fingers. When the coughing seized, Kakashi subconsciously fell back into his hold, shaking violently like a child who'd just suffered from an asthma attack. The strenuous heaving had dramatically amplified his throbbing affliction, and if possible, he looked even paler than before.
"You're okay...you're fine," Gai mumbled worriedly as he slowly set him back into his pillows, making sure to be as gentle as he could possibly be, because frankly, he thought the man would break with one wrong move.
Kakashi groaned audibly, screwing his eyes shut and gasping for air through clenched teeth, his struggling pants torturous to his friend's ears.
"Gai," he said between breaths, "I'm s-sorry…"
The said man shook his head confusedly, leaning forward in his chair. "Kakashi, what are you apologizing for?"
The Hatake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Gai briefly noticed the IV needle bandaged to his vein, and how the hospital wristband wound tightly around his thinning, bony wrist. Trepidation crept into his heart when his best friend turned to look at him again, with that same forlorn gaze he hated so much.
"I'm sorry...for failing as a rival," Kakashi spoke finally, eerily calm. His eye wandered over to the window once more, finding solace in the white of the drifting snowflakes. Even so, a pang of raw sadness spread over his chest like a suffusing warmth.
Gai didn't hesitate to respond, disillusioned with hope, and perhaps ignorance as well.
"Failing? What do you mean! My rival, we can just compete again when you get out of here...I know the score is in my favor right now, but you still have a chance to beat me, right?"
Kakashi stared at him timidly, his look watery and exhausted. Usually, it was the other way around—him having to cope with his friends dying. Now that the tables had turned, he didn't really know how to act.
"Right?"
No.
He watched as Gai's brows furrowed, the hope diminishing from his eyes as his gaze flitted quickly to the floor, and then to him again. The man's mouth was slightly parted, a breath cautiously escaping through.
"Gai," Kakashi started reluctantly, "...I'm dying."
A pregnant silence hung around them heavily.
"W-what? I thought the treatment was going well! N-no, I'm sure that you'll be fine…"
Kakashi shook his head pitifully. "Both treatments I tried had horrible effects on my body. And because I've had to physically deal with those complications for months, my tumor has grown again and progressed to another stage."
Gai stood up angrily, palms slamming down on the railing of the hospital bed.
"There has to be some other treatment, Kakashi! Please don't give up!" he begged desperately, cobalt orbs brimming with unshed tears, lip trembling dangerously. He watched his rival hopefully, waiting for some kind of reassurance.
The copy nin tightly squeezed his eyes shut, breathing out shakily, a familiar ache growing in his chest. He didn't know how much more he could take. This was just way too much to handle, especially with the tremendous amount of physical pain he was in at the moment.
He opened his eyes, watching the ceiling.
"I'm too far gone. All treatment is going to do is delay the inevitable," Kakashi started finally, "And...I-I...They…"
"They found more tumors. In my lungs."
Slowly, the usually energetic shinobi let go of the railing, stumbling slightly. Gai collapsed into the chair, eyes boring into Kakashi's as his facade of strength and optimism diminished completely.
The Hatake immediately felt the intensity of his friend's sorrow dramatically dampen the room's atmosphere—Gai's internal suffering had suddenly exploded and released, reverberating through Kakashi, intertwining with his own despair.
Their friendship had always been like that; composed of mutual respect and a silent, strong understanding.
The moment was silent, but powerful enough to render the two speechless for a good few minutes, knocking the breath out of them, spreading an icy frost over their limbs that kept them from moving.
Their emotions had made love, and while they were the closest they had ever been, it was only because they knew that they would soon be irreversibly separated from each other.
Kakashi shook himself out of his stupor, brows furrowed confusedly as he wiped an unexpected wetness coming from Obito's eye.
Glancing over to his side, he saw that Gai's head was bowed in such a way that shadowed his features from view. Tears were streaming down his face, plopping down onto the cold tile unashamedly.
The copy nin felt awful as he quietly observed the heartbreaking display. He realized then that he'd never seen his friend cry before. Sure, he had shed silly tears of frustration that stemmed from his predisposition to overreact and exaggerate situations, but these ones were somehow excruciatingly different.
These tears were somber and depressing, heavy with an unspoken heartbreak.
Finally, Gai wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and dared to make eye contact with the silver haired man, who had started to look a tad bit worried, and a little guilty.
"How long?" He finally questioned, fidgeting with the coarse ends of his long green sleeves.
Kakashi weakly gulped down a stream of bile that came with yet another strong, rampant wave of pain. His eyes feathered shut, head lolling to his side as his breathing began to come in hoarse, shallow gasps. It took all he had in him to not vomit.
Noticing the sudden decline in his friend's condition, Gai bolted up, paling in worry.
"K-Kakashi!" He mustered out in shock. Gai's eyes flitted to the door, his thoughts immediately going towards getting medical attention.
The Hatake quickly grabbed his wrist before he could move to do so, silently urging him to sit back down.
"A few months," Kakashi croaked, feeling minutely better, as the wave of nausea had simmered down. "Even if I take some kind of treatment, I definitely have less than a year left."
Gai slumped into the chair, one hand gently clinging onto the railing of the bed.
What was he to do about this? None of his friends had ever gotten cancer. It broke his heart to witness it. How could he not be sad.
It was impossible to not feel the agony of an impending loss, but ultimately, he had to be strong and react how Kakashi needed him to, regardless of how he felt.
In an unexpected moment, Gai smiled timidly, proclaiming, "Then I guess it's our job to make these oncoming months ones to cherish forever."
Kakashi blinked.
He ended up laughing sheepishly, running a hand through his shock of silver hair. "I guess you're right. Let's have fun, Gai."
"Of course, my rival," the exuberant man spoke confidently, "I assure you that...the rest of your l-life will be amazing."
Gai's voice was breaking, but he still managed to give a watery smile.
Kakashi smiled back lightly, in a way that didn't reach his red-rimmed eyes.
The Hatake turned himself onto his side frigidly, hands gripping the cloth of his hospital gown over his chest.
The ache in his midsection had grown and bloomed violently, churning his insides, making it horribly hard to talk to Gai with a straight face. His head throbbed in tandem, his vision blurring, a low ringing in his ears.
He felt himself melt into the recesses of his pain, immersing himself into his psyche and becoming somewhat unaware of his surroundings.
"Kakashi? Are you okay?" Gai questioned, watching him get paler by the second, brows furrowed in excruciating concern.
The Hatake's chest moved up and down at a harrowing speed, his breaths quick and ragged. The agonized look in his drooping eyes, and his stiff, yet tremulous mannerisms were all Gai needed to see in order to come to the conclusion that his friend was in an extreme amount of discomfort.
Kakashi moved his mouth to speak, quickly realizing that his efforts were to no avail. The world was spinning relentlessly, a thick fog looming over his mind and boring his spine into the mattress. His limbs felt heavy and weighed down—he felt as if he couldn't even move.
Noticing his parched lips moving with no sound being produced, Gai came forward and put his ear to Kakashi's mask, growing increasingly worried.
"P-pain...painkillers…need m-more," Kakashi breathed out desperately into his rival's ear, clinging on to the hospital issued sheets like his life depended on it.
Gai pulled back guiltily. How could he have not realized that one of the most important people in his life was in so much pain?
The Hatake shakily sat up, feeling the nausea take over his remaining willpower. With strength he didn't know he had, he quickly grabbed the vomit bucket next to his bedside, not wasting any time in putting it to use.
"At this rate, you'll be throwing up more than you eat...Lady Tsunade told me it happened yesterday, too?" Gai started with wide eyes, a hand placed on his friend's heaving shoulders.
Kakashi nodded numbly as he pulled his mask back up. "I'm fresh out of surgery, it's to be expected."
The truth of the matter was that when he got sick, regardless of the illness, his stomach took the hit first.
Gai stood quietly for a few moments in deep thought, before remembering that the copy nin needed more medication, and dashing out the door to get help.
It took only a few seconds of quiet before Kakashi fell into unconsciousness once more.
Sakura stood outside Kakashi's door with a sullen look in her emerald eyes, a basket of fresh apples in her grasp.
When he took a turn for the worse the day Naruto left, Sakura felt as if her world had collapsed around her once more. It was overwhelmingly hard to see someone get so violently sick, so suddenly.
She could barely even remember a time that he wasn't ill, and that scared her to no end.
Sighing, she opened the door with clammy fingers. Her drawn out gaze quickly found her sensei's form buried under several hospital-issued blankets, trembling occasionally at the stark cold of the hospital that he'd only gotten more sensitive to over time.
Sakura made a mental note to get him a blanket, maybe even an electric one like she had. That way, he'd always be warm and comfy in bed.
For some reason, his shivering made her quite sad.
She slowly lowered herself into a chair next to his bed, setting her basket onto a table adjacent to herself. Her gaze shifted over, relaxing into Kakashi's visage, a nostalgic twinge coursing through her as she took in the familiar face.
Gradually, Sakura began to notice how different her sensei looked.
The part of his face that she could see was much too pale, almost translucent. Everyone knew that Kakashi was losing weight, but at that moment, she felt that he looked significantly weaker. His breathing was audibly distressed, fast and uneven, with a ragged quality to it.
She could tell that he was in pain.
Sakura watched with a furrowed brow as her sensei, the man that knew a thousand jutsu, shook visibly, struggling to take in air at an even pace. She shifted in her chair as she anxiously wondered why his breathing was so off.
Kakashi inhaled sharply, his eyes snapping open. Blinking a few times to clear his blurred vision, he looked to the left, his head falling loosely to the side.
His chest rose and fell with his heartbeat, as he recognized the figure sitting next to him.
Sakura.
Memories of his days as a jounin leader poured into his mind at a vicious rate, reminding him of a past life he wished he could have back.
Small moments with Team 7 found their way back into his thoughts, lighting up the dimness in his eyes, and weighing down on him at the same time.
"Sensei?" Sakura spoke finally, noticing his forlorn gaze, and glossy orbs.
"Sakura…" he said in response, smiling openly, feeling happier than he had in weeks. But why was this joy so heavy?
Her lips turned up gently, fingers sliding around the metal side railing of his bed. A rueful sigh escaped her mouth.
"I missed you, Kakashi-sensei…" she uttered softly.
Suddenly, her face crumpled, tears filling her eyes, her breath catching in her throat. Sakura sniffed loudly, wiping her cheeks furiously as she tried to stuff down her sorrow.
"What happened?" Kakashi croaked plainly, a tad bit confused, but mostly concerned.
She shook her head, staring at the floor. "I don't know...I just feel...alone."
"Everything's been different since you left, sensei," Sakura continued, "I just want you to…"
A familiar wetness glistened in her jade eyes..
I just want you to not have cancer.
Watching her wallow in despair, the Hatake stiffly sat up, biting back discomfort. He already had a general idea of what she was going to say.
"I'm sorry. About not being there for you guys," he started cautiously, pushing back his overgrown bangs, "These past few months have been…hell."
Sakura looked up curiously, having stopped crying by now.
"Sensei, you don't have to apologize...you were sick," she started softly, "I did miss you, but I knew that you were going through a lot...I didn't want to bother you."
Kakashi's shoulders sagged miserably. One of his greatest regrets was wasting months of time he could've spent with his team, in bed.
I'm sorry.
"But...if you don't mind me asking, how does it feel to go through cancer? I wonder what strain that puts on a person, physically and mentally..." The young kunoichi spoke carefully.
He blinked, unsure of how to answer the rare question, especially on the amount of medication he was currently on. Additionally, there hadn't really been any time to slow down and look at the last few months in hindsight. It had been an endless race, one thing shoved in his face right after the other.
"Well...if I try to think back," Kakashi started humorlessly, clearing his throat, "I remember pain. Physically, I felt some of the worst pain I've ever had to deal with. And…I..."
He paused awkwardly.
"I felt lonely. I didn't like...waking up in the morning, because..."
"Because what, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura encouraged, after watching him silently stare at the wall in deep thought.
His slouch deepened further, silvery strands of hair obscuring his line of sight. God, he needed a haircut.
"I didn't have the energy," he resumed faintly, his voice weirdly quiet and uncomfortable, as if he wasn't used to having conversations about his feelings. "I dreaded waking up, because I knew it would be hard to get out of bed."
Her brows furrowed slightly as she registered the muted pain in the soft quality of his voice.
Kakashi tilted his head back and gazed at the ceiling, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.
"I couldn't bear to...look at myself."
After letting his disease take its reign and losing weight, his self-esteem had decreased dramatically. He, without a doubt, hated how he looked.
Sakura shifted slightly in her seat. It was becoming clear to her that her sensei was upset, and when she thought about it, probably depressed.
"Do you...still feel that way?" She asked hesitantly.
He turned towards her hollowly, the deep purple of his dark circles clashing alarmingly with his pallor.
Yes.
"I'm actually kind of tired…" Kakashi said suddenly, feeling thoroughly embarrassed. He gingerly lowered himself onto the mattress, tremulously pulling the pile of the blankets back up to his neck.
He didn't know why he shared that with Sakura. Maybe the medication altered his judgement, and made him tell truth after truth. Either that, or he'd gone mad.
Sakura frowned, never having seen him this way. It was apparent to her that he wanted to avoid talking about his experiences any further, but she'd always considered the fundamental concept of hiding her emotions as regressive.
When you bottle everything up, you're just ensuring a hostile explosion of your feelings.
"Sensei," she probed cautiously, fidgeting rhythmically with her fingers, "I hope you know that it's okay to share your feelings with any one of your students...well, maybe not Sasuke."
Kakashi processed her words timidly, not sure if he was comfortable with the fact that Sakura had picked up on his distress. However, he'd be lying if he claimed that her words weren't somewhat comforting.
Making a ruffling sound, he shifted slightly under the sheets, as if he were giving her permission to continue.
"I know that diagnosis isn't easy to deal with," she went on, not tremendously bothered by the fact that his back was facing her, "And although I can't do much about the physical part, I'm still there for you, if you ever need something, or if you want someone to talk to."
Sakura didn't know it, but the small amount of validation she'd given to the Hatake had made his heart swell with warmth. She watched as he turned to his left side with a hidden wince of pain.
His one visible eye flitted around nervously, as he'd never talked to anyone about what he was feeling before a mental breakdown. He had always thought that he was immune to such happenings, but the cancer had shown him that at his core, he was nothing but a human.
"Thank you, Sakura," he drew out in a voice a little louder than a whisper.
She smiled slightly, simultaneously realizing that she needed to check up on the man frequently.
"Anytime, Kaka-sensei."
Though it would take longer for him to be able to talk about himself both freely and deeply, Kakashi found himself reminiscing about his good memories that night, and feeling less alone than he had in a long time.
A/N: I've been MIA, ik. My bad. Tryna finish this soon so I can move onto actual books. This fic honestly taught me how to write, my style has changed so much. Like always, thank you for reading. Also, don't give up on the end so easily.