The next few weeks passed quickly, the two friends falling into a compatible routine. Kakashi grew stronger in the comfort of his own home, feeling well enough to start coming out into the living room in the morning. He still had trouble eating breakfast sometimes, but he came outside anyway, choosing a book to read from his shelf, and then laying on the recliner, a blanket covering his form.
Gai usually woke way before him, spending time in the kitchen before he left to train his team, and eventually forcing him to eat, if not a proper meal, then something small, like a piece of toast. However, Kakashi often didn't want to eat at all, so his friend decided to buy meal replacement shakes for those times, in hopes of helping him put on a little more weight.
This morning, the Hatake felt a familiar, drowsy lack of appetite. He lay on the couch silently, with his book turned facedown in his lap, gaze focused straight ahead. Gai observed his behavior from the kitchen, resolving to ask him what was up, because his mind was clearly somewhere else.
"Hey! Whaddya want for breakfast?" Gai asked energetically, coming closer to Kakashi's position on the recliner. The said man looked over at him at the enthusiastic question, sighing.
"I don't want anything right now."
Gai crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows with a distinct frown. He cupped a hand to his ear and leaned forward sarcastically.
"I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you properly."
"Fine. I'll drink a shake," Kakashi said complacently. He honestly didn't mind them—the vanilla flavored one tasted especially good to him.
"You should eat more, my rival," Gai told him, heading back into the kitchen to get him the drink, "More real food with nutrients and—"
Before Gai could get him a bottle, the Hatake stood up and hurried towards the fridge, beating him to it. He snorted under his breath, amused by his own behavior. After grabbing a vanilla flavored one, and getting a straw from the pantry, Kakashi returned to the couch, his eyes following his friend as he joined him back in the living room.
"So…" Gai started casually, plopping onto the loveseat, "Is there anything on your mind? You seemed kinda quiet before."
Kakashi's eyes narrowed in confusion. "What? I'm fine. I don't know what you're talking about."
Gai gave him an intent look, as if to say, "I know you too well for you to trick me", not buying the facade at all. He waited for the man's response expectantly, crossing his arms.
"Ugh, alright," he said defeatedly, rolling his visible eye, "It's about...a girl."
"WHAT! WHOOO? You never told me this, my rival!" the excited man cried out with an uncontrollable grin, pointing an accusatory finger at him.
Kakashi put his face in his hands at his over the top reaction, groaning and shaking his head in embarrassment.
"...It's Shizune."
At this, Gai actually jumped up out of his seat, his mouth turning into an o.
"Shizune?! I knew something was going on!" he yelled, not caring that Kakashi lived in an apartment, and had neighbors above and below him.
"Shhh…why are you standing," Kakashi said in annoyance, reaching out and pulling him back into a sitting position.
"Anyway, a while ago...we...confessed feelings. and we were both happy, I suppose, but we have yet to really talk since then," he continued finally, being way more open than usual, effectively shutting Gai up, "She's always busy at the hokage tower or the hospital...and I guess I'm busy too, in a way. I get really sick sometimes, and I don't want her to see that, or have to deal with it up close."
Gai nodded several times, trying to show that he was there for Kakashi, and that he understood the words coming out of his mouth. "I see what you're saying...do you personally want to be with her?"
Kakashi stared at him blankly, before blinking and turning away.
"She's a good person. And spending time with her feels really nice," he admitted, "But I don't have the capacity to be with someone right now. I can't give her what she needs, I'll simply be too sick in the near future."
Gai focused on Kakashi's face intently, watching as his gaze drifted back to the wall, staring onward sightlessly.
"I can see how you would feel that way...a relationship is a lot of work, and you don't need any added stress right now," Gai started sympathetically, "But are you okay?"
The Hatake looked back at him tiredly, sighing and opening the untouched meal replacement shake in his grasp. He took a generous swig, his straw forgotten, planning on avoiding the question for as long as possible.
"I'll be fine," Kakashi told him finally, wiping his mouth, "It sucks that I can't pursue this, but…It's for the better. I didn't really think it through when I opened up...we were both being extremely impulsive. I don't know Gai, it felt right."
Gai nodded again, secretly glad that his rival was talking a lot, and willing to share his emotions more. Perhaps living together had finally brought his walls down. Or perhaps, he just had a lot to say about this topic.
"So do you thi-"
"What were we thinking?" Kakashi interrupted awkwardly, chuckling as if he'd realized something, "I remember asking her to stay, and then...we held each other, I guess. Maybe I promised her something in the heat of the moment."
Gai's eyes widened at the new information. He noticed how his friend was observing him with a hint of nervousness, suddenly looking away altogether.
"Oh, okay...I didn't expect you to say that," Gai said honestly, "But Kakashi, I'm sure Shizune doesn't expect you to commit 100% right now, and become her boyfriend. She's smarter than that."
The Hatake looked up, nodding slowly in agreement. The woman was smart, indeed.
"She's your doctor, and she knows better than anyone that your health is your number one priority, even before a relationship."
"Yeah. You're right," Kakashi said. He quickly chugged the rest of the bottle's contents, standing up hastily.
Gai's face twisted into a look of confusion, his brows scrunching up slightly. "Where are you going?"
Kakashi had already started to head to his room, deciding on wearing something more presentable. At the question, he paused, turning around.
"I want to go on a walk."
"Oh. That's...good," Gai told him surprisedly, as the Hatake hadn't ventured out of the apartment in what seemed like months, not having had the energy to do so.
Nodding, the man quietly turned the corner and trudged into his bedroom.
"Hey, Kakashi!" Gai called from the living room, "If you feel yourself getting tired, come back home...and if you don't think you can, go to the training grounds for me, or the hospital...whichever one is closer!"
In response, he heard a muffled "okay".
Crossing his arms, Gai reclined back into the couch, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of Kakashi venturing out without anyone there to save him.
Kakashi strolled the streets listlessly, conveniently reading a familiar orange book, so that he could avoid conversation with anyone he didn't particularly feel like talking to. Since Spring was tantalizingly close, the weather had warmed into a bearable chill, allowing him to wear a baggy black tunic, and some dark pants of a similar shade. Unfortunately, he'd lost over 20 pounds over the past few months, so his clothing looked obviously loose and ill fitting.
Sighing, he decided that he was too lazy to buy anything at the moment. It didn't matter enough to him.
The Hatake closed his book suddenly, stuffing it into a small bag belted at his waist band. Lately, it just wasn't as interesting as it used to be.
He took in his surroundings, not used to the loud conglomeration of voices, and the sheer amount of people that lived in the Hidden Leaf. Noticing how he was getting stares and whispers, Kakashi let his gaze drift upward, resting on the expanse of intense blue above him. It was funny, but he'd almost forgotten that clouds move.
Inhaling deeply, he felt a wistful, chilly gale blow his hair back, realizing just how much time had passed by. It had been several months since he'd been able to train his team.
His team.
He stopped in his tracks for a few moments, unable to stuff down the strong desire of visiting them.
Kakashi turned around, his feet starting to move in the direction of the training grounds, chest surging with the hope of seeing Sakura and Sasuke again. It would be no harm to go, he told himself. And if they weren't there, he could go see Rin and Obito.
It was a rather short distance, so soon enough, he'd arrived. Their old training spot was usually a few grounds down, so Kakashi knew to keep walking once he'd entered the area.
Even some meters away from them, he could see what seemed to be Yamato and two genin sparring, both of them coming at him with almost equitable force, dodging the projections of prismic wood that he was using to defend himself. Sakura's bright pink hair made it quite obvious from far away that he was in the right place, and that he wasn't infringing on a random team's training.
With excitement bubbling from within him, Kakashi quickened his pace—the constant blank look on his face didn't accurately display his current feelings.
Having finally seen him approaching, Yamato retracted his wooden defense back into his body, grinning widely. Sakura and Sasuke turned to look at what he was grinning at, the shock becoming immediately apparent on their faces. Sakura lips soon morphed into a bright smile, her eyes almost sparkling with joy. In contrast, the Uchiha didn't exactly smile, however, his apathetic gaze became slightly wide, and along with Sakura, he too began walking up to his old sensei.
"Kakashi-Sensei!" Sakura exclaimed shrilly, her arms opening without hesitation, before she wholeheartedly squeezed him in an embrace.
He gave her a few gentle pats on her back in response, his eyes crinkling into crescents. Underneath his mask he was smiling openly. As she pulled away, he ruffled her hair playfully; she didn't get annoyed like she used to, but instead laughed genuinely, just fixing it.
"What are you doing here?" Sasuke questioned bluntly, his eyes glistening with curiosity, and perhaps relief.
Kakashi looked noticeably healthier than he had when Sasuke had last seen him. Though he was a little pale, and his clothes were hanging off of his thin frame, at least he wasn't hunched over on a dark street, coughing up mucus and freezing his ass off.
"Nothing much...just wanted to visit you guys," he responded with a smile. Sakura beamed at this, taking it as an open proclamation that he missed them.
"We missed you! Even Sasuke, I promise," she told him with a snicker, comforted by the man's familiar, calming energy.
Sasuke looked away at first, blushing. But then he turned to Kakashi and nodded discreetly, agreeing with the bold statement. The Hatake squinted his eye happily, giving him a curt nod back. Now, that was a first.
"Kakashi!" Yamato shouted excitedly once he'd caught up to them, not having talked to his friend for much too long, "It's great to see you, man! How've you been?"
The three of them stared at Kakashi then, all of them immensely curious about what his response would be to the last question.
"Er...I've been fine," he told them awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head nervously at all of the attention. He definitely couldn't tell them that he had new tumors.
Sakura crossed her arms, not buying it. She got the feeling that he was hiding something.
"Sensei, you got out of the hospital a little less than two months ago, after a major surgery. You can tell us if you're not fine," she said, surprising Sasuke with her assertiveness.
Kakashi sighed, making eye contact with her. She looked at him empathetically, observing how reluctant he was to share. He nodded slowly, knowing that she was right.
"Well...I have good days and bad days...and some horrible days. But Gai's living with me now, so he takes good care of me if I feel sick," he told them quietly, trying to be as honest as possible without fully opening up.
"Oh yeah, you live with him now. How is that?" Sasuke asked him with a smirk, remembering Kakashi's distressed reaction when a roommate had suddenly been forced upon him.
"You know, it's actually not too bad. He occasionally forces me to watch movies, but other than that, he's great. Also cooks surprisingly well," he admitted thoughtfully, realizing how ungrateful he was being at first. Sure, Gai's rambunctious personality was daunting, but he'd always been a present friend to Kakashi, helping him grow as a person.
"That's good to hear, Kakashi," Yamato interjected, having a proposition, "Hey, would you like to eat lunch with us? We were actually planning on getting some ramen."
"Uhh…"
He knew his distaste for food would get in the way.
"You have to come, please! Come on, Sensei!" Sakura practically begged, yearning to spend more time with him.
"You heard her, Kakashi," Yamato said to his contemplative silence. The said man exhaled tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Sure, why not."
Yamato and Kakashi walked together in the back as they headed to Ichiraku Ramen, Sasuke and Sakura making small talk in front of them. As the Hatake looked at them from behind, he couldn't help but notice how Sasuke was actually speaking to Sakura with what seemed to be respect—this was not a normal occurrence when he taught them. Things change, he supposed.
"So Yamato," he started hoarsely, clearing his throat after hearing the roughness of his voice, "How've you been? I've always wondered how this sensei thing is going for you."
"I'm not going to lie to you, Kakashi. When Naruto was here, it was kind of tough," Yamato responded without a chuckle, "He didn't ever really accept that you left, and hardly got along with me."
Kakashi raised his eyebrows in interest. "Really... How so?"
"He was always telling me about how you were sooo much better of a sensei, and how you were 'eternally' cooler," Yamato told him, rolling his eyes when he looked over and saw his superior smiling widely, a twinkle in his eye,"But after he left, it was pretty normal. Sasuke and Sakura are much more productive than I'd previously thought they were. They've improved, thanks to me."
"That's good," Kakashi said wistfully, gazing at a drifting cloud. As much as he didn't want to, he envied Yamato and missed his old life. When he was initially asked by the third hokage to be a sensei, he'd hated the idea, but now, he would give anything up to be one again.
"You'd better get well soon! I'd hate to steal your job forever," Yamato said, punching his bicep playfully in an oblivious effort to mend his melancholy mood. Kakashi nodded stiffly, with a forced chuckle, knowing that the affected area would bruise later.
Before they knew it, they were there. The teenagers quickly seated themselves in the middle of the booth, and Yamato took the far left, next to Sasuke. However, Kakashi stood frozen, staring at the back of a woman seated to the far right. Her hair was dark and silky, just a few inches past the nape of her neck. She was wearing a charcoal kimono, with a white collar.
He knew exactly who she was.
"Kakashi? Why aren't you sitting?" Yamato questioned, following his line of sight.
At the mention of Kakashi's name, Shizune turned around, their eyes meeting almost immediately, as he was already staring at her. He almost felt as if he couldn't stop looking.
It had been forever since he'd last seen her, and she looked admittedly beautiful. Nothing more, nothing less. She returned the intense eye contact, a pink blush dusting across her cheeks.
He blinked, clearing his throat and suddenly turning away. By this point, his whole entourage was staring at the pair with curiosity. Exhaling softly, he took a seat next to Shizune, Sakura on his left. The young kunoichi could sense thick tension in the air, the awkwardness between her sensei and Lady Tsunade's apprentice becoming quickly apparent.
"Hey, Shizune," Kakashi said finally, knowing he had to say something. He fidgeted with his clammy fingers, hoping he wasn't visibly nervous.
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, glancing at him timidly. "Hi, Kakashi. How are you?"
"I'm doing great. You?"
He hated small talk.
"I've been really busy lately…" She started with a drawn smile, finally daring to look into his eyes, "But bumping into you made my day a whole lot better. It's been a while since I've seen you."
"Busy? With what?" he asked her, feeling himself grow more comfortable, though he still felt stares boring into his back, "Now that I think of it, it's been at least a month...I'm glad you decided to eat ramen this afternoon."
Kakashi rested his chin in his palm, genuinely wanting to know all about her day, and what was on her mind. But before he could even get into that, he was rudely interrupted.
"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said, tapping his shoulder to get his attention, as he was almost completely turned towards Shizune, "It's your turn to order."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he apologized, quickly turning his attention to Teuchi and Ayame.
"It's no problem, son," the old man told him kindly, catching sight of his baggy clothing and ashen complexion, "What would you like?"
"Do you have any soup? If not, I'll just get a miso ramen."
Teuchi's brows furrowed slightly at the order, but he quickly hid his bewilderment. It was no wonder that the boy was so thin.
"Sure! One miso soup, on the house," he told Kakashi with a smile that greatly pronounced his crow's feet, gesturing for his daughter to get the man a bowl of soup.
"Would you like some hot cocoa, Hatake-san? Or tea?" Ayame asked from the back, unmasked concern glistening in her eyes.
She'd seen the copy nin come in countless times with his team, so to see him look drastically different, and so clearly frail, was very disconcerting. He turned down the offer politely, picking up on her sympathetic energy with an internal discomfort that made him wonder if his condition was obvious.
"Sensei," Sakura started confusedly, "Why are you only getting soup? You should get ramen."
He blinked at her straightforwardness, not really knowing what to say. Shizune observed his discomfort, wondering how much pain it must bring him to have to explain these things to Team 7. She noticed how his gaze had gone blank, and how his silence had stretched out for more than ten seconds.
"I just don't have much of an appetite right now, Sakura," Kakashi admitted with a sigh.
With a quiet "Oh, okay" Sakura looked down at her food, nodding quickly, and regretting having asked him in the first place. She could tell that she'd made him somewhat uncomfortable, given how long it had taken him to answer. He'd probably been suffering from a lack of appetite for a while, she thought to herself.
Glancing at Sasuke, she saw that he was watching them with interest, occasionally peeking at Shizune, as if he were trying to gain a better understanding of the woman that Kakashi was clearly enthralled with. The two genin made awkward eye contact, both of them turning away abruptly, suddenly interested in their ramen again.
Though the beginning was rough, the rest of the lunch was pleasant enough. Yamato and Sasuke stuck to occasionally speaking to one another, and Kakashi, sandwiched between Sakura and Shizune, conversed with both, even if he selfishly wished to only talk to the latter.
It didn't take long for them to finish eating. Although Shizune was done way before they were, she'd decided to stay anyway, enjoying the Hatake's company, and his amusing, offhand remarks. Suddenly realizing that Gai was probably home, and worried about his whereabouts, Kakashi stood from his barstool, dusting non-existent dirt off of his loose jeans. If he was honest, he was also starting to grow a bit tired.
"Well, I should go," he told them as a group, "Gai's probably wondering where I am."
"Ah…yeah, you should probably go then," Yamato agreed lightly, standing up after setting down a few bills to pay for himself and his team, "I'll be seeing you around though, right? Come visit us again."
He gave the Hatake a meaningful look, not wanting him to disappear for another month or two.
Kakashi chuckled wryly. "Yeah, of course."
After bidding the three of them goodbye, and watching them walk off, he turned to Shizune, who was patiently waiting for him on the side of the small shop. She smiled when he ambled up to her and jokingly outstretched an arm for her to latch onto.
The woman just rolled her eyes with a snicker, playfully slapping his bicep.
"Wanna walk me home?" He asked her innocently, gazing down at her, as he was at least three heads taller than she was.
"Well, yeah...that's why I was waiting for you, duh," she responded sarcastically, grinning when he laughed at her uncharacteristic sass.
They began the walk to his apartment in good spirits, feeling as though it were easy to just pick up where they left off. There was no more awkwardness, and neither of them felt unnerved in the slightest.
"Hey, Kakashi," Shizune said amidst a comfortable silence, loving the way his name sounded when she said it, "We never got to talk about that day...Do you know what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, I do...And you're right. We didn't," he responded casually, trying to repress his feelings of dread. Kakashi knew how important it was to sort out their situation, but he was having a good time, and didn't expect that the tricky topic would be brought up so abruptly.
Shizune looked away, a slight red tint warming up her cheeks. She was scared of how the conversation may unfold.
"I guess my question is...Was it real?" she began timidly, inwardly cursing herself for asking such a question, "I don't know, I'm not exactly sure what we're supposed to do."
He sighed deeply, rubbing the nape of his neck as he tried to formulate a good response, but to no avail. She'd dove straight into the meat of it, hadn't she.
"...I mean, of course everything I said was real. I liked you then and, even now I…" Kakashi spoke tenderly, locking eye contact with her, "Look, in all honesty, I would probably be acting differently if I didn't have cancer."
"What do you mean?" Shizune questioned tersely, starting to walk up a long, cemented flight of stairs to get to the third floor of his apartment complex.
She glanced back at him, noticing how he was deep in thought, like he was trying to find the right words.
"I'm going to get sicker, and frankly, I don't want you to see that," he told her bluntly, following her up, "I know that being with me would bring you inevitable pain…"
She hurried her pace, feeling anxiety bubbling in her chest. She knew he was right- he wasn't taking treatment, and was technically in the later stages of his disease. On top of that, his condition was going to get worse. So, why did she still have hope?
"I can see where you're coming from," Shizune said finally, slowing her pace, but not turning back to look at him, "You're right. Your health should come first, before anything."
They walked down the hall to his apartment silently, both of them feeling the heaviness that came with essentially putting an end to something that hadn't even been given a chance.
Kakashi glimpsed at her from his peripherals.
She had a downcast look on her face, and he could practically sense her hurt in the air.
"Well, this is me," he told her quietly, stopping in front of his house. The man turned toward her with his hands stuffed in his pockets, not wanting to leave on such vague, undiscussed terms
Nodding sullenly, Shizune forced a tight smile, preparing to bid him goodbye. She could hardly look at the man, and felt so dumb for not being able to.
"Hey…I hope you know that, this isn't what I want. I didn't choose this," Kakashi continued, gently grasping her chin and tilting her head up, "I want to be with you. But I'm going to die, Shizune."
Her gaze turned watery as she registered what he said. A part of her wanted to move forward with him despite everything, and completely disregard that he was, in fact, a dying man. As much as she wanted to shake him by the shoulders and shout, "So what! Why won't you let me be there for you?", the pounding of her heart silenced her mouth.
"Kakashi, I...I-I don't know what to say," she brought out with difficulty, her voice cracking. His brows furrowed slightly at the distress written all over her face. A lone tear slipped out of her eye, and she quickly wiped it, looking as if she was embarrassed for being so vulnerable.
Without a word, he pulled her into an embrace, a horrible, guilty feeling settling in the pit of his gut at how he'd caused her pain. He wanted her to feel better, and this was the only way he knew how.
"I'm sorry, Shizune," wincing at the hitch in her breath, and how she was shaking in his hold, clearly overwhelmed by what he'd said. Kakashi stroked her silky raven hair, closing his eyes with a deep sigh. Deep down, he wanted the hug to last for a long time.
"No...Don't apologize," she said, pulling away and fussing with her red, puffy eyes, and the wetness dripping from her nose.
"This is what you need, and I understand that completely. I just need some time alone...to let myself process this."
He blinked at her last statement, wondering if she was planning on avoiding him, or worse, not seeing him ever again. The Hatake felt an unfamiliar, penitent emotion overtake him, wishing that they hadn't talked about this.
"Sure. Take as much time as you need," he told her blankly, his posture somewhat stiff and rigid.
Catching sight of his indistinguishable sadness, Shizune closed the distance between them and pulled her arms around him, squeezing him tightly, as she knew it would be a while before she could again. Kakashi felt his body melt into hers, his breathing slowing as he felt the strength of her embrace melt away his troubles, if only for a few moments.
"I have to go," she told him suddenly, jerking away. Her hand brushed against his, before she turned to leave.
"Bye, Kakashi."
a/n: wow this was so long but enjoy. i honestly think this chap is shitty but oh well, had to put something out. bye!