Thank you everybody! Everything has been fixed...well everything that I'm aware of. I love this community! All of you are so awesome at providing feedback and information on the site to make things better for everyone.

IMPORTANT: MUST READ: NOT BULLSHITTING: READ THIS: I will be moving back to Asia! This time I will be in JAPAN! For those of you that read my profile and blog you know this as I have been talking about it. I'll also be starting a YouTube channel at the end of this month. My writing has gotten me into some fun projects that I'm very excited to explore. So on January 31 (my birthday) I'll be in Tokyo but i'll be living in Okazaki. Xoxo

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU - Updates for stories may be slow during that week because of moving and yadda yadda yadda...so be patient. I'll update as soon as I get wifi which shouldn't be long at all. Also I would like for you to post your thoughts and things you would like to see in the review section or pm me...its fine. I also got to think of a channel name! So much work to do! But I got some cool art exhibits I'll be seeing and concerts I've been invited to lined up as well! And lots more writing!

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Chapter 8: One Tablespoon of Shochu

Today was progress.

Today she did not fall asleep on the floor at least.

That was a plus…right?

Light filtered in through her eyes as her hands reached out to grab onto anything in reality. The room was dark as always as she had long stopped cutting on the lights. Her fingers managed to grab the edge of the couch cushion and use what little strength she had to push herself up. She looked around the living room at the mess she had made the night before. More various colored glass bottles and broken glass pieces added to the collection she was building in the living room. She wiped the slob from around her thin lips in search of the time. She could hear voices outside from a few visitors that came to do their prayers and maybe to visit the shrine. Light shined through the thick dusty beige curtains that she thought she had drawn closed previously. Somehow she managed to use the table and stand listening as her feet crunched on something underneath them. The stale and sour stench of various odors encased the room and settled in every fiber of stitching in the fabrics of the sofa. Everything was dusty except for the photos on the coffee table spread out before her. Shakily, she looked around the room taking note of the damage while vaguely trying to remember where her miko robes were. As if she would put them on that day. It didn't matter. No one came to visit her. If they did it was to maybe gawk at how far she had fallen or to ask about her family.

Family.

She laughed swaying to the kitchen letting the bubble of laughter crawl from her scratchy throat. She gripped the walls and the chairs along the way to steady herself. Her spaghetti strap black basic dress clung to her bony form showcasing stains from previous sessions she'd had with her ever illustrious lover. Her long hair lay frazzled around her in disarray having not been properly combed or brushed in a while. Her fingers went to the fridge first to find something but then she quickly forgot she didn't buy food like she had planned. It made a buzzing noise now most likely going to give up on her too in the near future. She opened it anyway and stared at the bottles that stacked on shelves in various directions inside the icebox next to a cup of old chalky yogurt.

The day started like any other day. She'd get up, drink, look at her art, and then drink some more until she winded up wherever. Somewhere in between she would find food. She spent her days inside or occasionally she would venture out into the streets of Tokyo. She didn't need to do much of anything. She could afford to. After all she didn't pay the bills here. The young woman closed the fridge and looked on the front panel of the metal door to see a repaired photo of her and her sister that she had ripped in a rage one night. She poorly tried to tape the photo back together but failed miserably as her face remained ruined with pieces missing from her face. The butchered white line split right down the middle between them heavy like an omen. The poor magnet hung onto it desperately knowing if it did not then the house would claim it somehow and it would never be found again. Kikyo leaned closer looking at the photo of her younger sister and herself sharing a hug in front of her very first art exhibit debut. She pointed a finger in her sister's face with a stern finger. "Jokes on you sister." She drunkenly slurred. "I've officially become that starving artist you joked about. You gonna keep feeding me dear sister?" She shoved her hand over her sister's face and pushed as if it would move her from her mind. "Go ahead take it all." She grabbed a bottle she had previous drunken out of a few days ago and took a swig from it. She hummed happily as the liquid no longer burned when sliding down her throat.

She had heard the threat before from her sister on the voicemail. Kagome had got a kid now and that was the center of her universe. As it should be she supposed. But that kid was swelling like a balloon taking up the rest of the space everywhere else. She clumsily walked to the other room where her art studio sat like a vegetated cancer patient in an empty room waiting for someone to pull the plug. Her unfinished art sat stacked against the wall facing the other way no longer interested in sharing with the world the creativity on its front. Paints, brushes, paper, rags, molds, etc. littered the floors into one giant mess along with beer cans and glass bottles in the mix. She took a sip from the bottle in her hand and looked around not feeling like painting anything that day. Nothing got placed on canvas much these days anyway. She just couldn't do it. When she lost her biggest supporter…she just couldn't go back to that place. It was too painful. She tried to sip again from the bottle. Nothing poured out and she frowned at its audacity to not engage in her activities. Slowly her fingers gripped the wall to help turn her around to go back into the kitchen to try anew.

She placed the empty bottle on the kitchen counter top and went to the fridge to get herself something else to satisfy her palate. She grabbed a bottle of shochu and managed to find a relatively clean glass in the sink. Clumsily she placed the cap on the bottle watching it just fall off onto the floor. Her hands shook a bit as she poured the mixture into the glass watching it slosh out onto the counter. Her hands grabbed the wet glass and she tossed back her drink. Her eyes shut tightly to focus on keeping it down and she slammed her glass back down on the counter top. Her eyes brightened at the sensation as she looked down at the bottle in amazement. Her hand came up to her lips and she used the back of her arm to wipe the residue from around her mouth. She grabbed the bottle and once again made her way back to the living room. She hardly ever made it to the couch these days as she was usually too far gone to even get inside. Several times her miko powers had kicked in and shielded herself during her moments wherever she passed out which was usually under the Goshinboku or on the steps of the shrine. When she did make it into the house she only made it to the floor of the living room.

Her body walked forward silently cursing at the glass cutting into her feet. Her body sank heavily in the couch as she took a big gulp from the bottle. Her steel gaze raked the wooden coffee table looking over the various pictures she had displayed on the top. Her fingers ran over the faces and smiles staring up at her that mixed with the pieces of glass, cigarette buds, and alcohol stains. She didn't mind the broken glass there as she glided across it. She lifted the bottle to her lips again when she came across the rare family photo of everyone together. She picked it up with a watery gaze slowly placing the bottle down to look at it. Everyone…her dad…mom…grandpa…sister…and brother stood with cheery bright smiles at Souta's elementary school graduation. Everyone was dressed beautifully in their traditional attire with various colors imprinted on the silk and cotton material. Her little brother Souta looked excited with his smile stretching almost off his face. Balloons and hugs were all around him congratulating him on his little milestone. Little did they all know it would be the last time they were all together. Nobody knew what was coming next. None of them were prepared for it.

Disease of the heart had taken her father.

Mother Nature took her mother and grandpa.

Then time had taken everyone else. It could have also been her drinking but that was up for debate. Especially with her devoted sister.

Kikyo looked at her sisters picture standing in front of her divine restaurant on its opening day. She held the bottle up to her image. "Keep running Kagome!" She yelled in the silence of the room. "You are bound to trip eventually…slut." She muttered before taking a sip of her drink. Her eyes then fell to her little brother and she scoffed. "And baby brother…you are pathetic." Her eyes looked at her siblings faces once again going over everything that had led up to this point. It was true that when tragedy strikes…it holds nothing back. What they don't tell you…or teach you is how to deal with it. How to move on. How to keep the nagging questions of, 'What ifs' at bay. Like…

What if they didn't go to vacation near the coast?

What if she had canceled her art gala?

What if they stayed home that day instead?

What if their dad was here to see them now?

Tears swelled in her tear ducts as she lay down on the couch onto her back with the family picture in her hand. The cycle was beginning again, she could feel it. She felt around the cushion where her head rested searching for her cigarettes and lighter. After a few minutes she found the carton and wiggled it hearing the lighter ramble inside. She placed the picture on her stomach before reaching for a stick and lighting it up. She used the curve of her hands to keep the flame from blowing out as she lit it in the dark. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply feeling the smoke fill her lungs and heat inside of her cold body build into a burning sensation. She then exhaled watching the wisps of smoke blow into the air above her in little clouds. She rested her hand on her forehead wondering when she would get the guts to try ecstasy again. However, that thought quickly vanished after she went over mentally a series of unexplained events she had experienced during her brief affection for the pill.

Carefully, she picked up the family portrait again to gaze upon her family. She stared at it hard looking at her dad and mom bend down together holding their children. She stared at the happy moment that she remembered as much as she remembered the warmth of the sun on her skin in the summer time. Her dad hugged her mom somehow with his big hold opening loving her with his bright smile. The kids were all huddled around their grandpa who finally after much coaxing got him to smile for the camera without him waving ofudas and blessing the masses at the small graduation. Her fingers traced their smiles before her watery eyes turned to her dad's smile.

Did he know death was coming?

Even if he would have lived would he have survived round two with the reaper?

Ring, Ring, Ring

She knew who it was. It was always her. She was the only one now to call the house. Not even her brother called anymore having found his escape in his new life at the university. She heard it click as the answering machine took the message. She laid the photo down and looked at the wall in front of her. Her picture that she had done for a magazine was hung up taking up a wide space of the wall. Their mother insisted on hanging it believing it to be a badge of honor. Her hair was curled and she had donned a magnificent dress from a designer who adored her work. Kikyo looked at herself. Her eyes roamed her once curvy figure and soft skin as she subconsciously rubbed her own hips feeling the bone there. Her hair no longer shined lit it once did. She no longer cared for her clothes or for other people's opinions or even art anymore.

Art had once been her lover. It came at all hours of the day and night invoking passion inside of her. No matter where she was she would drop what she was doing to write down a note or start sketching on a paper napkin to save the idea that bubbled inside of her. Now, like a true lover…it had gone. Leaving her in the dark and alone to go be with another. Lying to the world. Invoking thoughts and feelings that mean nothing at the end of the day. None of that mattered now. She had learned that from all the tragedy in her life. What good was living when you were going to die for nothing? After a few minutes she scoffed at it taking another sip of her drink.

Click

Hey Kikyo it's me Gome. I-I wanted to tell you this…you know actually speak with you but you don't answer my calls anymore. I've been trying to call Souta as well because this affects him too.

I'm struggling here to make payments on everything. The income I'm making from my restaurant isn't enough to sustain all of us. The-the banks have been gracious enough to give me an extension since I make all my payments on time. But I can't do it anymore Yo-yo. Rin needs to see a doctor and I'm going to make sure she gets what she needs. With that being said, if you can't help with the payments in six months…I'm going to sell the shrine. I know…you're upset but it's my only option. I also can't afford all of Souta's tuition, books, room and board Does he still have his soccer scholarship? How's his grades? The school won't tell me anything because of confidentiality.

Kagome got silent on the other end. Kikyo rolled onto her side as tears rolled from her eyes and down her face falling into the couch. "Why don't you take the money from the little shit!" She yelled angrily waving her cigarette around. "Rin's loaded!" Kikyo placed the cigarette on the glass table.

Look, if you want…you can come here to France… I can get you some help. You can start over. Rin would like to see her Aunt Yo-yo. But I can't do this anymore…and I'm so tired. My restaurant took a bit of a hit this week and I'm not sure how that's going to play out. I'm sorry.

"Shut up!" Kikyo yelled. "You're not sorry! You would have come back if you were!" She screamed angrily standing up and looking at her picture.

Please Kikyo, call me back.

"Shut up!" She screamed and she threw the glass bottle at her picture. The glass broke into a million pieces and splattered around the room.

Tears fell down her face as she cried uncontrollably. "This is your fault!" She pointed at her now soiled picture. Her fingers gripped her head tightly and she sunk down into the couch. Her fingers got caught in her tangled tresses and she yanked out of frustration. She laid her head on the armrest and let go. Time passed as she did not move from her spot on the couch. Her eyes hurt, her throat felt swollen…and her face was hot with stained tear lines. Her cries turned to hiccups that faded just like always. Slowly she picked her head up and rested her chin on the armrest to stare at the table in silence. Slowly her fingers reached out where she saw a picture she had forgotten. She shakily picked it up and realized it was with her and Rin. She held the picture to herself and closed her eyes tightly feeling more tears fall down. Her nose ran and dripped down as she tried her best to wipe it with the back of her hand. It was a random photo taken when Rin first joined the sisterhood.

Rin was so broken when Kagome received custody of the little pup. Kikyo smiled through her tears rubbing Rin's chubby smile that was missing several baby teeth at the time. Everyone was grieving but then something about seeing a child so lost like Rin was…it called out to them. Maybe it was her miko heritage or the woman in her but they both responded to helping the little pup and shielding her from the cold world. Rin was their little light bulb. Then Kagome packed her things and both of them left. That's when the self-destruction began and spiraled out of control. Kagome left her here to grieve alone. She rocked back and forth begging Kami for forgiveness as she touched Rin's cheek. She didn't mean to make poor baby Rin her antagonist in her never ending nightmare. She kissed the photo telling her image how sorry she was and how much she loved her. "Aunt yo-yo is so-so sorry!" She muttered holding the picture to her chest. Her eyes trailed around the messy room seeing nothing that truly belonged there anymore. The place was no longer a home now. She looked down at the picture in her hand and another tear came to her eyes.

"When did I become such a monster?" Kikyo asked herself hoarsely as she wiped her eyes still swaying from the alcohol. She held Rin's picture in her hands a little while longer before pushing herself to stand. Kagome's message resounded inside of her as she replayed a part over and over in her head.

The restaurant…not doing good? She questioned herself. Kikyo definitely thought she was bullshitting. Even in her drunken state it would take meth to make her believe that one.

Through her haze she managed to fumble for her red purse in the dark that was laying spread eagle on the floor spilling everything out. Her hands roamed the floor tossing her lipstick, empty carton, car keys, and wallet until she found her cellphone. Hesitantly she cut it on watching the white screen pop up nearly blinding her. Her stomach twitched from the light and the urge to puke came up. Kikyo watched as it registered all the missed messages, calls, texts, emails, etc. before she pulled up the internet. Curiously she typed in her sister's name. She picked up the cigarette she had left burning on the table and tapped it harshly to remove it of its ash as the little device pulled up its findings. She dragged on the cancerous stick trying her best to focus as she read online. After a few moments the cigarette in her mouth became slack. She looked at the bottle she had just drunk from accusingly before looking back to the screen. Her mouth moved reading the words before she shook her head. Her eyes became like steel from the read and with all the control she could muster she turned the device off again.

With great effort she stood up this time mindful of her steps. She brushed her dirty feet off trying to dislodge some of the glass as she stepped forward in the living room. Her hands felt along the cold wall for balance as she made her way to her art room. Kikyo finally made it and kicked the trash in her way to the side of the room. She came close to the wall to pull out an empty white canvas. She slipped and fell on her butt putting her weight on the canvas for support begging the room to stop spinning and her stomach to calm. Shaking her head she gathered herself before leaning the canvas on the wall. She sat down in Indian style and grabbed a green glass shochu bottle. Kikyo placed her cigarette in the corner of her mouth to hang as she mumbled to herself during her prep work. She looked at the picture in her hand and set it to the side carefully. Swiftly, she pulled some of her colorful paints closer to her and looked around for an old water bottle to use for her brushes. She saw a half empty one rolling to the side and she quickly grabbed it. She wet her brush and dipped it into some paint a little put off at how dry it was but it would have to do. She tapped her cigarette on the edge of the glass bottle to take off the ash and placed it back into her mouth. She sighed heavily before lifting her hand and rubbing the brush across the white face destroying the serenity there. For the first time in a long time…she painted.

And it was chaos.

Passionate chaos.

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