Chapter 98

Frederick's carriage stops in front of Darcy's house, where the thoroughbreds are already chafing at the bit. Brave Bob's on the box, with a very pretty girl. Elizabeth's maid? Poor thing, to be sitting there in the cold, except she seems rather pleased. And proud. Yes, proud.

'Is that beauty in love with the homely driver?' she asks her companion, possibly fiancée. He grins.

'You've never even seen her before, have you?'

'No, but she's proud to be freezing to death up there in the cold. And he is reputed to be the best driver in town, no, in the country. He is about to prove it to her, with everyone gaping at those magnificent horses, not even his master can control them but he can, her man can.'

'I wish I could go and tell Simon right now, he'll be impressed. He's not going along with them, they want to be alone. Oh, by the way, they know, Darcy and Elizabeth, Georgiana and Eric. No-one else does. I'm not going to tell them about you until you've decided. Just Simon, I owe him that, he has to approve, of course. With the master and mistress away, we'll sit in Eric's apartment a lot, Simon agrees to join us there whilst he refuses to sit in the drawing-room. It's painful sometimes, but of course you understand, at least a little.'

Anne does. They have reached the carriage, Darcy and Elizabeth are surprised to see her but pleased.

'You've come to see us off, that's so kind!' Darcy says heartily. 'If you're a good girl while we're away, we'll bring you a present. What would you like, a fancy silver spoon to stir your coffee with?'

'Sure,' Anne replies cheekily, 'but how will you know whether I've been good?'

'We'll ask Manners,' Darcy retorts, kissing both her cheeks.

Anne shrugs like a teenager. 'Suits me. Bye now, enjoy yourselves! Do nothing you wouldn't do at home!'

Elizabeth kisses her, too. 'I'm afraid Frederick is already planning some bad things for you to do. Look at him!'

He does look like a cat in the cream. Which only proves Elizabeth is as astute as Anne is, no surprise there. It'll be fun to really get to know her, in three weeks' time.

Georgiana and Mr Fielding come running to say goodbye, the household is represented by the housekeeper, the butler and yes, handsome Simon. Anne hopes he will find her acceptable, maybe they can become friends. Nick likes him. Anne imagines Nick stroking her and feels herself blush. That will not do, even if Simon approves of her she will still need to overcome the shame. She wants to see Nick, but they'll undoubtedly ask her inside. Goodbyes said, Brave Bob sets the horses in motion and they all wave. Even in town those horses are incredibly fast. When the carriage is out of sight, Georgiana whoops and falls on Anne's neck.

'Freedom! Let's have coffee in the boudoir, with the sweetest, creamiest pie we have in the house. You coming, Anne?'

She seems to be developing a sweet tooth, so she nods eagerly and replies, 'I'm in. I don't know what a boudoir is, but I'm hungry.' Nick is probably sleeping, and if not, he'll be extra pleased to see her just before lunch, or maybe later.

'What's up with your cousin, Fitzwilliam?' Elizabeth cannot help but ask her beloved. Such a change in so little time, it's almost unnatural. A week ago Anne was still shy and half in love with Fitzwilliam, and now she's pert towards him, and if Elizabeth is any judge of character, romantically indifferent.

'She's too lively, you know, and Frederick has that look, the conniving one. I still don't trust him altogether, a cat doesn't change his colours overnight, though I'm convinced he thinks he is making a serious effort.'

'Maybe she is in love,' Fitzwilliam offers. 'The flushed cheeks, the excitement?'

'Not with Frederick she isn't.' Elizabeth is sure Anne is not in love with him, but those two do share some secret.

'Mr Blackwood only has those two girls. It cannot be in his house.'

'It has to be in his house. It's certainly not in your uncle's, and she's treating you like a cousin she is particularly fond of, she's not in love with you anymore. She was very concerned about that Blackwood retainer. Maybe she is in love with him.'

'Lady Catherine's daughter in love with a servant? Pigs will fly, Elizabeth.'

'Your argument is invalid, sir, for after what happened at Rosings, that girl will do her very best to give her mother the worst case of apoplexy ever seen in the history of womankind.'

'I concede. But Anne's too smart to fall in love to spite her mother. She must truly like him, then. It's of no concern to us anyway, she's an adult, and we're on a mission of compassion. Freedom, my love, finally! What shall we do first?'

'What can we do in a carriage by ourselves? I can think of just one thing, my love, besides looking out of the window. And I am fed up with the sight of the city for now, I yearn for grass and trees.'

'We did have great fun in a haystack, not something you'd expect living in town. There'll be just a few weeks left when we return from Newcastle, and they will be very busy, with Georgie's wedding and everything. Before you know it we'll be rambling in our own forest, and riding through our own valleys. I can't wait, Elizabeth.'

'Let's make the time go quicker then.'

Which they do, totally ignoring the fact that they are still in London. But there is little traffic at this time of the day and Bob is keeping the thoroughbreds moving at a brisk trot, reducing the chance of anyone peeking through the curtained windows to virtually zero.

The boudoir is the most beautiful place Anne has ever seen in her life. Treasures from all over the world, and the cream of decades of hoarding expensive decorations gathered in one room.

'Georgiana! I love it! I can't wait to come live with you, this is so beautiful! Can I sit here sometimes? Look at the horse! And no stiff furniture or tables, just pillows and cushions, how did you come up with it?'

As her cousin tells her how the room grew from an expedition to find a harpsichord, Simon comes in to bring coffee and what looks like an awfully sweet concoction. He sets the things down and makes ready to leave, but Georgiana stops her story to ask, 'Won't you stay and drink coffee with us, Simon?'

The handsome servant gives one meaningful look in Anne's direction, and Georgiana sighs. Frederick clears his throat and says, almost formally, 'Simon, and you too, Eric and Georgiana, you are in the presence of the smartest person alive. Anne here deduced without any outside help that Simon and I are together. It's no use keeping her in the dark, she knows, so you might as well stay, Simon. I'll fetch you a cup and a plate. We'll share the pie, I'm getting fat anyway.'

And he is off, leaving Anne alone with three people staring at her. Surprisingly, Simon is the first to recover.

'That is amazing, Miss de Bourgh. How did you do that? We never even look at each other in public, which includes this house.'

She describes that one admiring look, and the different pieces of the puzzle falling into place.

'I didn't even know it was possible.'

'I'd say Frederick has been careless, but each bit of information was so vague, he really wasn't. Are you a genius or are we in big trouble?'

'Not from me, your secret is safe of course. But I don't know whether someone else might put one and one together. Frederick seems to think it's unlikely. I'd advise being more careful anyway, but I can't think how.'

'Well then, Miss de Bourgh, welcome to the family,' Mr Fielding offers. 'It'll make things easier when you move in. Less need for sneaking around for Simon and Frederick. We'll find a way to make use of your cleverness, that's the power of this household. Word is out that Frederick is already teaching you how to spy, Simon will teach you housekeeping, I will teach you German.'

'And will you teach me to play the piano, Georgiana?' Anne feels so much at home here, surrounded by young people, who are so connected, and so. … alive.

'It will be my pleasure, Anne. I can't wait to find out how your mind works, I just cannot believe you put those things together.'

Frederick is back, and he adds, 'It took her less than a minute to deduce that Bob and Fanny are a couple. She had never seen Fanny before.'

'She was so proud of him, a stunning girl with a very plain fellow. It just fell into place.'

'When will you move in, Anne?' Georgiana asks.

'I'm not sure. There is something I have to do at the Blackwood mansion, someone I have to see back to health. When that is done, I'm packing my bags. I can't wait now, you're all so nice!'

The coffee is excellent, and the pie is delicious. Anne's dislike of sweet things is officially a thing of the past. They chat for an hour, and then Anne feels the need to go back and see Nick.

'I promised to be back before lunch. We'll meet at your concerts, Mr Fielding, despite their retainer having been seriously hurt by their own butler, the girls don't want to miss any of your concerts. Thank you so much for your reception.'

They all hug her, even Mr Fielding, and Simon shakes her hand respectfully but not unkindly. Anne leaves with some very warm feelings, and a lot of hope for the future. With such friends, even heartbreak must be easy to bear.

When their visitor has left with Frederick, and Simon is taking the remains of their feast to the kitchen, Georgiana and Eric move to the drawing-room, to put in some practice, Georgiana supposes, it's what they always do and it never gets boring. After their triumph yesterday, and all the important people they talked to, it's both refreshing and a bit commonplace to be back home and pick up their studies.

'Do you always have such a mixture of feelings after a concert you've worked towards for weeks?' she asks her beloved.

'Every night, though the intensity varies. Yesterday was special, then the feeling lingers for days. Usually it fades after a few hours. But your first concert is a special occasion, Georgiana, and this one was especially nerve-racking since it was for the most critical audience ever. I did tell you how proud I am, didn't I? I keep forgetting because of all the famous and important people I'm trying to keep sorted out in my mind, for future reference.'

'Frederick will do that for you my love. And yes, you did, about once every hour from the moment we got off the stage until now.'

'Good. I wouldn't want you to think I didn't find you the most talented, most beautiful, and most beloved pianist ever. But Manners may not always be there for us, my love, we need to learn to deal with all people and every conceivable situation ourselves. I can't believe how close we got to losing him. You were such a good diplomat, putting things to rights between him and your brother and Elizabeth with blunt impertinence. Or maybe the reverse, impertinent bluntness. I'm convinced you saved the day, it would have broken my heart to see two very undeserving strangers come between the people I love best after you.'

Georgiana still shivers to think of life without Frederick. Simon torn in two, unable to follow his heart, Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth sadly disappointed in someone they have come to love. And Eric, he owes Frederick so much, and the four of them, Simon included, have become so close.

'Imagine Anne finding them out just like that, Eric,' she observes, not at all averse to changing the subject slightly. Somehow the thought of losing Frederick's friendship is a very sore spot, and not just for her. She's very certain Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam will spend at least half their time on the road coming to terms with what happened.

'There is a lot more to your cousin than I ever imagined,' Eric replies, thoughtfully. 'She was half asleep when I first met her, and now I don't think I know anyone more alive than she is. There must be quite a story behind that change, my love. I hope that one day she will trust us with it.'

He has not moved straight to the piano, there is something on his mind, he has taken her hand and is now leading her to his favourite chair in the drawing-room, after the piano stool of course. Sitting down in it, he takes her in his lap, expression serious, almost grave.

'There is a story in your life, too, my love, that I would like to hear. Everyone in our circle knows it, except me. I've heard hints, bits and pieces, but I'd like to hear the whole, and I'd like to hear it from you, whom it concerned most of all, with your brother and sister on their way to the main player, the mysterious Mr Wickham. Will you tell me about him, dear Georgiana?'

Well, that's some kind of misunderstanding, as if she doesn't want to talk about it. Wickham doesn't have any kind of power over her anymore, she just never got around to telling Eric, that's all. He must have felt left out not to know, even Frederick knew the whole story from the start, he'd gotten Simon to tell him, falling in love with him just before, during, or shortly after.

'Sure,' she replies, 'I would have earlier, my love, it just never came up.'

'It's not painful to you?' Her poor man is surprised, and gets more than a few kisses because it makes him look very cute.

'Not by far, my love. I got over him rather quickly once I found out he was a hopeless loser. I was relieved when Fitzwilliam neatly tied him to an adoring empty-headed admirer, though, generations of innocent girls saved without interference from their brothers.'

Since they'll be sitting here for some time anyway, and everyone is out, she can just as easily put her hand inside his shirt as not. She likes seeing her beloved fired up, he's usually so composed, even when confronted with his adored Elizabeth in tears. If Georgiana were at all like Fitzwilliam she'd be jealous, in fact she wonders why Fitzwilliam is so obviously jealous of his cousin and Wickham when a very handsome and talented admirer of his wife lives right under his very roof. But Georgiana is not inclined to view such adulation with envy, isn't Eric himself the subject of plenty of it and totally unaffected? He is hers, and whenever she touches his bare skin he shivers with ardour. They'll have such a grand time once they're married.

'Oh, Georgie my love, please have mercy on me! I can't listen to your story while playing scales, and if you don't relent that is exactly what I will have to do.'

All right, she didn't get that at all. Better look at him in a certain way.

'My love,' he groans, 'if you touch me like that my ardour jumps to life with a vengeance. It's very strong and very insistent, I'm a grown man with strong urges. Playing scales calms me down, I do it often, and less frequently for practice since our engagement.'

'Eric, you should have told me! I've been torturing you without realising it! I thought you looked nice and wild when I did that. And it feels nice. But not if you suffer for it!'

'Never mind, love, I should have told you, but it does feel very good, you know. I don't want you to stop, it's just that sometimes it takes hours to wind down again. Maybe you can do it when we're going to busy afterwards? Like before a concert?'

'I'll test you later, find out exactly how far I can take it without disturbing your peace of mind. But first, George Wickham.'

Instead of stroking him underneath his shirt, Georgiana settles in Eric's arms and caresses his slightly stubbled cheek and his long black hair.

'He was like a brother to me, not a big, serious brother like Fitzwilliam, whom I admired but also was a bit too much in awe of, but a big, funny, cute brother. Wickham was sweet, caring, and never too busy or too adult to play with me and get into mischief with me. Whenever he was home from school, that is. I never had many playmates, you know, my cousins were all a lot older, and as far as I can remember Fitzwilliam was already spending most of the time he had at home learning to run the estate. He did what he could to be a good brother, but he just didn't have the time to really play with me. The things Anne remembers doing with him, climbing trees and riding a pony bareback, he'd grown out of those by the time I was old enough to do them. But George hadn't, and I loved him for spending time with me.

'It was sisterly love, but it was very strong love, and he was the only young man I ever saw besides my cousins, who didn't have a clue what to do with a little girl except tease her. My father doted on Wickham, I could see that, and when he died Fitzwilliam was even busier getting the estate in order with the new steward, Wickham's father had passed away, too, you know. We more or less comforted each other, Wickham and myself.

In hindsight, I think my governess was under Wickham's spell, she talked of him and praised him often, and I think now that she was very much in love with him and he encouraged her. He was always very nice to her, but he was nice to everybody, I didn't think anything of it. Of course to me she seemed old, besides being a widow, so not in the running for a man my brother's age, but her love for him did kind of change my perspective. He no doubt encouraged that, by this time he had fallen out with Fitzwilliam and his visits always occurred when my brother was not expected where I lived then. Again, I didn't realise this, Fitzwilliam had not told me about their disagreement.

One day I professed Wickham my love for him, and he did tell me a clever version of the truth, carefully edited to make it all seem a big misunderstanding. I agreed to elope with him, he said after we were married the whole thing would be sorted out and we'd be one happy family, but some part of me was ever in doubt: my governess, who was still Wickham's advocate, was showing signs of being hurt with love and I think some part of me started to realise Wickham was manipulating her to get at me.

I didn't know what to do, I was so naïve, but when Fitzwilliam paid me a visit just then I finally recognised his deep love for me, I suppose my warm feelings for Wickham did awaken some new sense inside me, and they helped me see that Fitzwilliam truly loved me, was just too reticent to demonstrate his feelings. I confessed, and my brother took action. I still have no clue what happened to Mrs Younge, I quite liked her, she was very lenient which Mrs Annesley was not.

When she took over I felt very sorry for myself. I missed Wickham, not as a lover, but as a brother torn away. Fitzwilliam did spend a little more time on me, but he was different then, less able to show his feelings. The piano was my only true friend, and we became very intimate.

Mrs Annesley tried to match me with appropriate girls my age, to find some friends to socialise with, but I think I must have some of Fitzwilliam's reticence, for I never managed to relate to any of them. I didn't like my brother's friends either, the Miss Bingley who nearly lost us Frederick is a petty, stuck up sycophant with a mean streak the size of France. She meant to catch my brother and thought her way into his heart was by fawning on him. When he proved her wrong by falling in love with the only woman to ever dare confront him on his arrogance, Miss Bingley merely started to show her meanness more and more, especially towards Miss Elizabeth Bennet, until even Fitzwilliam had to notice. The woman deserves everything she gets from that cold fish Grenfell, Eric, never doubt that. They will make each other miserable, I can only hope there will be no children to suffer with them.'

Georgiana can tell all this business-like and dry-eyed. The only part likely to affect her is the memory of how lonely she used to be. Only when Fitzwilliam was lovesick over Elizabeth and Georgiana confronted him over it, did they find true closeness as siblings. Eric has also notices.

'You are so close, Georgiana, Darcy and yourself. I can't believe you've had such a lonely youth, it must have been so difficult without father or mother. I never knew mine very well, but Mr Zumpe was like a father to me, and I had a mother and a sister in his family.'

'I suppose Fitzwilliam must also have been rather lonely, he was sent to school at the age of seven, neither of us has an idea what it is like to grow up with parents. Of course had my mother lived I would have gotten to know her really well, living with her instead of with a lady companion. She would have sent me to school, but only for a few years, not like poor Fitzwilliam, who spent all his youth there. Some liked it, Frederick for one, he seems to have had the time of his life, though it has damaged him to some extent. And George, Wickham, once he got used to it. He told me he liked being with a lot of other fellows. But my brother never did.'

'I think Manners' fellows have also been damaged by growing up without a mother. They seem to have a weird way of relating to women. Maybe this Grenfell character is not hopeless, I talked to him when he was very, very intoxicated, and he struck me as a rather sad man. A strong woman who demands her due, but who also gives him a measure of respect, may improve him. Or it may not, that is not in our hands. Will Manners attend the wedding?'

'He will. I'm sure Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam are not going to keep him to his promise to drop his connection to his friends. It would make them worse than he is for manipulating people. They just needed to know he cared about them, about us.

'Anyway, about Wickham: Fitzwilliam couldn't make our planned elopement public, of course, which meant Wickham was still free to break hearts left and right. He was in the militia and stationed near Elizabeth's home, and they met at parties. He lied to her about his past, blamed Fitzwilliam for everything, and she disliked Fitzwilliam so she believed him. Later Fitzwilliam managed to tell her the truth, but she couldn't tell her family. Then her sister eloped with Wickham, and to save Elizabeth from the shame of her sister's elopement, Fitzwilliam forced Wickham to marry the foolish girl. He also got him a commission in the regulars, he still feels a little responsible for the fellow, and of course the girl is his sister-in-law. So that's why they are going over, to help the girl and see whether they can get him promoted.

George would have made me a really bad husband: he would have spent my money until it was all gone, and then he would have leaned on Fitzwilliam to get more, on my behalf of course, and spent that, too. But he would have done all of it in the nicest way possible, he can be sweet, charming, even brave. Still he is a loser and he always will be. The rifles are his best chance of ever amounting to anything.'

While moving to Darcy's with her heart broken over having fallen in love with Nick doesn't seem half as fearsome as it did before Anne found out how nice and homey the place and everyone in it is, there is still time. The rest of the day is the same as the last, barring some minor details like Frederick taking them to the concert, and Anne deciding to start the night in the girls' bedroom. This time she manages to stay awake until they are fast asleep, and she joins Nick in his cot. He is much more mobile, and wants her to stroke him more firmly.

'Tomorrow, we will take a walk together. I need to be active again, and get used to the stares until these fade. I've tried walking, it's no problem.'

She consents, they can always turn back if he is in pain. And now she needs to work on the shame, if Nick is up to walking tomorrow, he will be back to work by Saturday and she will move out on Sunday. Three nights to discover love, it's not much but it will have to do. She already misses him, though he is getting rather bossy. It's easier to keep herself from loving him now he's back to confidence, though he is still very attractive to Anne. The smell of him, and the feel of him, she tries to not work him up too much, but he notices. He may be as astute as she is.

'You're really trying, aren't you? The next step is touching it, Miss, it's fine, the bruising won't hurt if you're gentle. And don't worry, I can control myself, we'll take this one step at a time.'

He is right, she needs to touch it. It's already hard, but soft as well, very pleasant actually. He gasps, but doesn't touch her at all, he clutches the sheet and breathes deeply. Then he finds some inner calm and manages to relax and enjoy her touch.

'What do I do with it?'

'Most men like you to hold it firmly, but I've been hurt too much to risk that already. Better stay gentle for now, Miss. And if you lick it or take it in your mouth they'll just die, it's so good. But not yet, that's several steps. I have a special place where I want to show you what comes before that. Tomorrow, if it pleases you, Miss.'

Good, she likes him to be respectful, though she is very conscious of what Frederick said about the accident of birth. She expects deference from Nick, but based on her birth. Seen that way, it's ludicrous. Besides, no-one she knows would expect Mr Fielding to treat them with deference, and his birth is as low as Nick's. But she really doesn't like it if Nick is bossy towards her because she is a girl. That is as much an accident of birth as the other thing.

Very gently, Anne explores Nick's tender bits, and finds the rest of them surprisingly soft and squishy. Stroking them feels very nice, and he seems in ecstasy. He returns her caresses by now, eagerly, and they kiss with fire. She will miss him so much, who knows when she will find another man who suits her so well? Lying in bed all alone will be such a letdown after nights of this. But she can visit him when the ache gets too strong, he'll undoubtedly make love to her, she'll just have to await her turn.

Bob is pushing the horses as much as he can without the possibility of changing them, and he undoubtedly pushes himself as much, for it is cold to be travelling all day. After spending the whole morning in blessed privacy in the little carriage, they find out how cold it really is outside when they stop for lunch, and they invite Fanny to travel inside the carriage until they stop for the night, but Fanny politely refuses.

'Thank you so much for the offer, ma'am, but I'd rather stay with Bob. He'll get lonely without me. I'm used to cold, my mother cannot afford to buy much fuel, and our part of your house is colder anyway. It's not so bad out here, I've never been this far out of London, it's so pretty!'

And when they finally stop for the night, it's clear Fitzwilliam has outdone himself trying to make this trip their second honeymoon, the place where they are spending their first night is so picturesque it is more at home in a painting than in real life. Elizabeth can't wait to see the whole village in the morning, though she knows there is a good chance they will be off again before first light.

They have made good progress during their first day of travel and are enjoying a very comfortable room with an old-fashioned but rather decadently lovely bed. It's so soft and warm Elizabeth wonders whether she will be willing to leave in the morning. Fanny has assured them their lodgings are also fine, tiny cubicles but comfortable and clean. Too bad they're only engaged, or they might have shared a room, adding to the romance of their experience.

But Fanny is as brisk as one may expect of any maid, when they arrived Bob had barely halted the horses before she was off the box and running around, directing the staff of the inn which luggage was needed inside. Then she arranged their room while Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam strolled around the village green just before dinner, and after that she helped Elizabeth freshen up and dress for an ample local dinner. She is most likely fast asleep now, as will Bob be, after a long day of guiding his beloved team.

Fitzwilliam is also snoring softly, they have spent a lovely day of travel together, sticking to talking about innocuous subjects like the renaissance concert and Georgiana's first public appearance, Anne's sudden zest for life, how to keep Mrs Reynolds from working herself to death after suffering pneumonia this winter.

But Elizabeth knows she cannot avoid talking about what happened with Frederick, she knows the memory of almost losing him as a friend will sting all over again and she doesn't like to show her weakness like that. Talking about it then letting it go will be much better. Jane's calm assurance that she is already with child has also rocked Elizabeth's world more than she likes to admit: while she doesn't want a child already, and is therefore glad to have escaped fruition so far, she knows she is expected to produce an heir for her husband and she really wants to do so in time. But if both her sisters have conceived within the first month of their marriage, what does it mean that Elizabeth hasn't? Will she prove infertile? It's such a quandary to be hoping not to get with child, but at the same time be afraid of that situation; knowing all this time that her predicament is of her own infliction. She cannot influence the situation anyway, it's absolutely senseless to trouble herself over it.

But wouldn't a baby be absolutely adorable? Charlotte and Jane certainly think so. Maybe Lydia, too, but Elizabeth cannot help underestimating her youngest sister, cannot but think she may not be fully aware how much time a baby costs. And yet Elizabeth cannot feel eager to have one, to go fat like Charlotte and have stringy hair and a red, puffed up face.

Lying awake and thinking about things she cannot control is of no use whatsoever. Better take some rest, tomorrow will be another long day of travel. Plenty of time to talk this over with Fitzwilliam. But for now, she nestles in the luxurious bed, snuggles against the warm shape beside her, who makes an appreciative noise and then goes back to snoring lightly.